From "The Retreat" (805-483-3104): Subboard - "The Hall Of Fame" Message # 2. Date: 07/22/89. Time: 20:43:11. Read 327 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : All Subj : ONE MEGABYTE OF MARGINS! THIS IS IT, everyone! This message marks the posting of my Millionth character! Due to the inaccuracy of the average message length information, I can't narrow down the exact character, but I can get close... !!! GAVISCON !!! One of the letters in my name is it! ___/\-__________<--_-< Hazzah! Hazzah! Hazzah! (Somehow I figured there'd be more) I gnow! A fireworks show for ANSI peoples! _____________________________________________________________________________ /---\/ /\\___//\\v^.. ../\I' @--:. # '\\/..* \/ / # * | Ah well, I never was good at that anyway, was I?<----- But THAT is memorable! !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Megabyte of Margins @=- ___/ ___/ /| | The "Pi Guy" /| | | | | | -) FTAS (- -> FTAS <- -) FTAS (- -| FTAS |- -( FTAS )- -< FTAS >- -( FTAS )- -| FTAS |- Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=2 Message # 3. Date: 08/19/89. Time: 03:09:40. Read 422 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : All Subj : My last message on Hack's Retreat! Bye everyone! This is the last message I'll post in the Tavern for a while... I haven't too much to say, and I'd rather not spend too much time saying it. Keep Obfuscating, guys. Im glad to see it hasn't died out in five years. The art is more powerful than Margining. (And has a higher longevity) Do any of you think, perhaps, that Berkeley attracts select Obfuscate represenatives? First, the one, true, most omniscient Obfuscate, Lex Luthor, gets pulled out of Ventura County's local area, and origin of the Obfuscates, and now I am being pulled, similarly, a represenative of my generation of Obfuscates. Lex left for Berkeley at almost the same time I began getting into Gnome's Cas- tle. (Sort of like the Father Time/Baby New Year turnover) Maybe it's just a coincidence, but I think Hack Man and the others should pay extra close attention to any new user who maight start calling in the near future. Obfuscation will be running through his/her veins! I bid you all a farewell, may you never bid for welfare! Hack Man: Thanks for running the board. I'd not feel complete without a place for us Obfuscates. Look for my book someday. I hope it's a best seller... B Y E E V E R Y O N E ! !!! GAVISCON !!! ___/ ___/ -=@ Margin Master @=- /| | The "Pi Guy" /| | -) FTAS (- --==OBFUSCATE==-- | | | | /extra pickles, please! Comments : WAY!=1 BLOWS!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 10. Date: 07/12/90. Time: 03:15:48. Read 200 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : All or Nothing Subj : Able was I ere I saw Berkeley :The following message was promoted to the Hall of Fame for the sole purpose :of the completion of Gaviscon's "final quest". This "final quest" was to :post at least one message one every subboard (except the all-female board & :the sysop's board, both of which he doesn't have access to) that did, in- :deed fit the subject of that subboard. He had to find an old message that :could be promoted instead of writing a new one because, frankly, that's how :it works! Somebody's got to go dust the daisies. They're getting mighty dirty. I'm not responsible, but I'm dusting them off anyway. With my mop in hand, and feather duster, I swab a few sequoias and polish a plant 'till it's pretty and pristine. Nature invented dew and breezes to let the flowers stay clean... But I still think She needs help. When the maids of the universe come gnocking on my door, I'll send them on next door, for my chrysanthemums are clean. Whoah! Wait! What's that? Purple snakes dancing on a barstool! Where am I? Ah! Falco! Nice to see you... Hmm... Yes, I plan to buy something. No, I'm not just loitering. Get me a Double Demon Rider! And make it a double! What? Oh! That's right! It already IS a double. Well, make it a single, then. NO. Forget that. Get me a Pine Sol Daqueri, hold the Sol. What? Can't do that? You've been serving drinks to Obfuscates for umpteen and a half years! You of all people... er, I mean half-ogre's, ought to be able to take such a request. Why, I ought to... OOOH! Ouch. Sorry. Yes, I see you were right all along. The error of my ways lies open before me like a golden field of dandelions and a ton of bricks on my head. Just get me a fuschiafruit cocktail... YES! THERE IS SUCH A THING as a fuschiafru, Oh get me a beer... ... ... Hold the mug. !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- Comments : HAHAHA=1 #10. Message # 12. Date: 02/06/89. Time: 16:52:28. Read 149 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : The Music Man Subj : Guns RECEIVED Guns don't kill people... ...Bullets kill people. (The guns just make them go very very fast.) !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -Trapped on Terra. Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=103 Message # 13. Date: 28/29/09. Time: 17:30:34. Read 153 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : ANSIs Subj : Non-ANSI users can effectively ignore me. ____| \_/ | | | | | __________________________________________________________| d SCORE! (Don't you wish you could shoot a ball like that?) _________________||||_________________||||___ __ _________| Message # 14. Date: 03/02/89. Time: 14:08:39. Read 147 Times. From : HACK MAN To : peggy Subj : ANOTHER TEST RECEIVED HERE IS ANOTHER TEST. CLEAR THE SCREEN? (Y/N) : CHANGE TO RED? (Y/N)? : TURN ON BLINK? (Y/N) : DOINK! WHITE BACKGROUND? (Y/N) : BEEP A LOT? (Y/N) : PI MODE? (Y/N) : 3.14159265 0 MORE? (Y/N) : I'M GLAD YOU WANTED MORE... BUT THERE ISN'T ANY! READ MESSAGE AGAIN? (Y/N) : C- - - Message # 16. Date: 02/01/91. Time: 09:02:33. Read 187 Times. From : Gizmo To : Gavison, I finally found Subj : Merry XMAS, a little late PERMIFIED I finally found it! my 1.5 yr quest is over!!! 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a peripheral was stirring, not even a mouse; The modem was hung by the keyboard with care In hopes that a download soon would be there. The pirates were nestled all snug in their beds While visions of unprotects danced in their heads. And Kathleen in her kerchief, and I in my cap Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When up on the hard drive there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. Away to the monitor I flew like a flash, Sat down at the keyboard, gave the spacebar a mash. The sight on the screen, a'flicker with snow Gave the luster of power surge to the menu below. When, what to my wandering eyes should appear, But an autoexec.bat that seemed rather queer. With a little print driver so lively and quick, I knew in a moment I had seen a new trick. More rapid than eagles my curser it came; My voice box whistled, and shouted, and called me by name. "Now format, now rename, copy, and enter! On num lock, on caps lock, on scroll lock, and printer. To the top of the page, to the top of the doc, Now tab it and bold it and merge it and block." As utilities that build up the CPU speed Clash with just the programs I need, So up to the screen top the curser it flew With a RAM full of memory and an extension board too. And then, in a twinkling I heard on the speaker, The grinding of the hard drive growing much weaker. As I tried to reboot and turn it around, The attributes changed from blue into brown. I hit the control, the alt, and delete. The message it gave me, I cannot repeat. It asked me to Ignore, Retry, or Abort. It told me the parallel had become the comm port. Its lights how they twinkled; its pixels how merry. Its prompts were all scrambled, like a bowl full of cherries. It sounded just like it wanted to blow; The screen was suddenly white as the snow. It scrolled the directory before my eyes With programs I didn't even recognize. It wouldn't see D; it wouldn't see E. I couldn't get out of B into C. Norton's tried to read it; It finally found the FAT; But alas!, the disk was faulty, And couldn't reformat. Away flew the DBase; Away flew the Doses; Away flew the WordStar; Right out with the Windows. The spreadsheets were spreading; The footers were heading; What once had been memory Was close to forgetting. When the grinding was over And the smoke had all cleared, I looked at the unit, And it was just as I feared. The 40 meg wonder had crashed in the night. I'll never be able to block out that sight! So tell everyone to avoid my plight; Back up! Back up! Merry Christmas! Good Night! heheheh the pirates were sleeping with visions of unprotects? I suppose visions of cracks would imply a whole other concept! hahah! ___ ___ ___Gizmo___ Message # 17. Date: 01/08/91. Time: 01:16:00. Read 221 Times. From : Lynx To : All Subj : Doink part II! PERMIFIED [32m[48m[33;63H[50;24H Comments : WAY!=2 NO WAY!=2 HAHAHA=2 BLOWS!=1 Message # 20. Date: 04/20/91. Time: 09:48:07. Read 191 Times. From : Ubik To : Unka Buck Subj : copywriting RECEIVED PERMIFIED Hey your right, We should all have full access to gizmo. On second thought, maybe it would be better if we just had him thoroughly copyrighted for our own protection. Ubik Comments : WAY!=23 HAHAHA=103 BLOWS!=1 #20. Message # 21. Date: 05/05/91. Time: 21:35:45. Read 184 Times. From : Lynx To : BINKISTS! Subj : DOINK! PERMIFIED !K!NK!INK!BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK![0;0H-- --- --- | | | \ *[0;0H | > | | | |\| |< |[0;0H -- --- --- | | | \ *[0;0H -- --- --- | | | / |[0;0H | > | | | |\| |< |[0;0H -- --- --- | | | \ *[0;0H-----\----------< SPLAT! ***************************************************** Comments : WAY!=5001 HAHAHA=105 RASPBERRYS=1 BLOWS!=5 OBFUSCATED=1 HUH?=1 DOINK=1 WHO CARES=1 BRAVO!=3 Message # 22. Date: 05/24/91. Time: 10:18:15. Read 166 Times. From : Gizmo To : Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED ignore this message Message # 23. Date: 11/30/89. Time: 04:11:28. Read 184 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : NEW DEFINITION PERMIFIED SOME OF YOU MAY GNOW AN INTERESTING FACT ABOUT IBM COMPATIBLE COMPUTERS. THE IBMS KEEP TRACK OF TIME OF DAY BY A COUNTER THAT COUNTS 18.20676 TIMES EVERY SECOND. THE COUNTER STARTS AT 0 (AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT) AND COUNTS UP TO 1573064 AND THEN RESETS. WHEN YOU TYPE "TIME" A FANCY ALGORYTHM TAKES THIS NUMBER AND CONVERTS IT INTO HOURS : MINUTES : SECONDS. I HAD TO USE THIS NUMBER (1 / 18.20676TH (OR .0549247)) IN THE NEW VERSION OF MY BBS - SO I HAD TO FIND A NAME FOR IT. THIS FRACTION HAD TO BE DEFINED. AFTER CONSULTING WITH TMM IT WAS DETERMINED THAT THIS FRACTION SHOULD FOREVER BE GNOWN AS A "DINKY". SO - HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT CONVERSION FIGURES FOR YOU. 1 DAY = 1573064 DINKY SECONDS (ALSO GNOWN AS DINKYS). 1 DINKY MILE = 290 FEET 0.0261 INCHES. 1 DINKY HOUR = 3 MINUTES 17.7288 SECONDS. 1 JIFFY = 3.295479 DINKYS (DINKY SECONDS). (NOTE 1 SECOND = 60 JIFFYS). 1 DINKY = 197.7288 INSTANTS (NOTE 60 INSTANTS IN A JIFFY). 1 DINKY INCH = 1.395086 MILLIMETERS. AND OF COURSE 1 DOINK = 18.20676 DINKY DOINKS. Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 BRAVO!=1 Message # 24. Date: 03/11/90. Time: 20:07:18. Read 203 Times. From : Lynx To : all Subj : Wah! PERMIFIED ----- doink SPLAT Lynx Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 Message # 25. Date: 06/12/91. Time: 23:49:34. Read 172 Times. From : Unka Buck To : Mitey Byte Subj : LIFE IN GENERAL RECEIVED PERMIFIED Life is better at 300 baud. Think of all the great 300 baudist throughout history. Socrates-- "The 2400 baud life is not worth living." Abe Lincoln-- "4 score and 300 baud ago..." J. F. K.-- "Ask not what 1200 baud can do for you, but what you can do at 300 baud." F. D. R.-- "We have nothing to fear but baud rates higher than 300." Teddy Roosevelt-- "Talk softly, but call at 300 baud." Hamlet-- "300 baud, or not 300 baud; that is the question." Capt. James T. Kirk-- "These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise, whose 300 baud mission..." the list goes on../. -UNKA BUCK- --==OBFUSCATE==-- Comments : HAHAHA=77 BRAVO!=103 Message # 26. Date: 07/01/91. Time: 12:42:50. Read 132 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : Those who wish to gnow... Subj : Able was I ere I saw Berkeley II PERMIFIED The sun sets early Everything's backward The moon rises late You gnow it's all right Straight becomes curly For normal's absurd Curly becomes straight Dark should be light Violet turns to red Should logic prevail And cities decay Then two squared is four Life will soon be dead And my world would fail As skies turn to gray But then so should war An old coffee cup Where squares are now round Once broken in two Is where I shall appear Starts rising up I'll never be found With entropic glue But until then, look here: All pencils erase Gaviscon Aviscenna With sharpened point tips P.O. Box 4735 And turkeys say grace Berkeley, CA 94704-4735 From their own hungry lips United States of America, Earth !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 27. Date: 06/26/91. Time: 19:37:51. Read 164 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : HACK MAN Subj : PURPLE SNAKES DANCING ON A BAR STOOL!!!!! RECEIVED Sure, check this out: ( ) ) ( ( ) ====== ====== \/ \/ It's Axel /\ /\ and Fiat, the | | | | acrobatic pur- | | | | ple snakes! (Axel) (Fiat) )( )( )( ( )( )( ) )( ) ( )( ( )( )( ) )( /( )( / )( ) / __ __ \ __ \ \__ \ \ / \ / ) __ _( _( / ) ( ) FiatAxel( / )( ) ( )( ( )( )( ) )( ) ( )( ( )( )( ) )( ) ( )(() ( )( ) )( ) ( )(( )( )( ) \ ( )( ) )( ) / ( )( ( )( ) \ ( )( ) )( ) / ( )( __ )( ) __ ( )( \_ )( ) \ ( )( \ )( ) \ \ ( )( ( )( ) Axel) Fiat( )( __ )( ) __ ( )( ( )( ) ) ( )( ( )( ) )( )( ) ( ( )( )( ) )( )( )( ( )( )( ) )( )( )( ( )( )( ) )( )( )( ( )( )( ) )( )( )( Comments : BLOWS!=1 OBFUSCATED=31416 BRAVO!=142 Message # 28. Date: 06/27/91. Time: 18:57:35. Read 155 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : Anyone who cares. Subj : Plug outlets You gnow, when I get everything set up at Berkeley, I have a tremendous problem with plug outlets. I mean, I've got a monitor, a computer and a printer, all which need to be plugged into a three-pronged outlet. The plug for the modem is one of those huge blocks that you have to plug in to just the right socket, so it doesn't take up two outlets. Then, I also have to plug in all of my stereo components: a tuner, a cassette player, and a CD player. And now, I've got a FAX machine that I'll need to plug in. Then, to complicate things, there is the issue of lights... At least one near the computer, plus two others elsewhere in the room. Now, there's also my clock-radio, which will need a plug outlet. And, we also have to find space for the VCR that my roommate owns, since we plug that directly into my computer monitor to turn it into a television. (I almost forgot about that!) Adding that up, I need to have an absolute minimum of TEN plug outlets in one area! Plus, I will need a total of thirteen or fourteen for my entire room. That's not so much of a problem, since it only means about three more elsewhere in the room, and I should have more outlets on another wall, but the ten that I need in one small area is a problem. I'll need a surge protector plugged into another surge protector! Is that dangerous? God! I could be killed! !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- \/()\/===()=\/=()=\/ =()=\/ <>=<=>>==<=>=<== \/=()= =()=\/<<>=>===\/=()=go er el=()=\/ nta=()=\/<=\/=()=o not|_\/a_| o\/t|_\/a\/=()=noab\/=()=l f\/=()=oaug\/=()=elt <\/==()=vtct<=\/=()=tre \/=()= aheT|_\/e_|h \/T|_\/e\/=()= le\/>()=t =to\/=()= ete\/=()=a Th\/=()=g.ve\/=()=raed=()= , yi th\//\\///\\//\\/, /\\//\\//\\/ /\\//\\//\\//\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\ /\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ri\//\\//\ f\//\\//\us\//\\//\ t\//\\//\e \//\\//\ve\//\\//\av\//\\//\ t\//\\//\he\//\\//\Th\//\\//\ T\//\\//\. \//\\//\ ug\//\\//\ a\//\\//\ye\//\\//\ug\//\\//\t \//\\//\e'\//\\//\to\//\\//\tl\//\\//\t \//\\//\lu\//\\//\en\//\\//\ee\//\\//\te\//\\//\rt\//\\//\ou\//\\//\ f\//\\//\nl\//\\//\ut\//\\//\ro\//\\//\ I\//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\ -\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ -(Darn computer bugs!) Comments : BLOWS!=1 BRAVO!=158 Message # 36. Date: 07/30/91. Time: 20:08:35. Read 153 Times. From : Gviscon viscenn To : TMM Subj : Silhouettes in the Deluge... RECEIVED Mr. Music, I'm going to compose this document, you see, without the use of the letter you pro- scribed. My intentions extend even furthur in my post. My communique is here but without my common whim of fitting in my words with those indecorous, stretched, unsightly lines, simply built with this full screen editor. Only one void between words inside this post! I perform my deed show- ing not only the common exhibitions, but exotic designs more obscure. I desire to be recognised for my posts but I wish others to seize my words for the incentives it'll inspire in them. (More) !!! The Pi Guy !!! -=@ Border Expert @=- MOVED FROM "THE OBFUSCATORIUM" BY HACK MAN ON 10/21/91 AT 01:33:48 Comments : HAHAHA=42 BLOWS!=2 BRAVO!=118 Message # 37. Date: 08/02/91. Time: 12:50:38. Read 150 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscnna To : TMM? Subj : Shadows in a rain... RECEIVED So, can I fashion a supposition that a post without an "A" in it was difficult, but within normal domains of possibility? Providing a margin form to that post was worst, but I soon found out that this vocabulary's got vast arrays of common synonyms that function similar, just as aptly as most of my words I was choosing. Now that it's all past, I thought that I ought to try to do it again, but not without "A". I could think of additional things to dismiss from this post! I was thinking of not using an "F", but it's both uncommon and also a bit of a boring sym- bol. Plus, by SAYING that I am not using it, I go and print an "F" and so it ruins my mission! But, it isn't too hard to modify an "F" into a similar symbol. Just kidding! I was working on this symbol all along and you gnow it! I'm sorry for trying to trick you. I won't do such a thing again. (Waiting) !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Authority @=- MOVED FROM "THE OBFUSCATORIUM" BY HACK MAN ON 10/21/91 AT 01:34:13 Comments : BLOWS!=2 BRAVO!=159 Message # 38. Date: 11/04/91. Time: 19:00:56. Read 124 Times. From : Ubik To : Subj : tests RECEIVED __ | |< S < S < S ____=__=_____ / \ |=================| | ++++ UBIK ++++ | |=================| | | | /| | | \`o.O' | | =(___)= | | U | | | | ACK! THPTPHH! | | | |=================| | safe when used | | as directed | =================== MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Mynk Lynx ON 11/06/91 AT 00:17:50 Comments : HAHAHA=100 BLOWS!=1 BRAVO!=100 Message # 39. Date: 07/17/91. Time: 13:46:13. Read 153 Times. From : Gizmo To : HACK MAN Subj : HAVE YOU HUGGED A COMPLETE STRANGER THIS WEEK? RECEIVED PERMIFIED OK. I renounce the bink. Gizmo -=Kloink!=- Gizmo MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 11/07/91 AT 20:49:15 Comments : HAHAHA=100 BLOWS!=1 DOINK=100 Message # 40. Date: 01/11/92. Time: 18:51:59. Read 124 Times. From : THE MUSIC MAN To : whomever Subj : stuph PERMIFIED Obfuscation About Opinion Brief A we which that is It .itself nature in lies obfuscation of nature basic The is It .feel not do but ,sense we which that is It .see not do but perceive is which that ,alas ,is It .comprehend not do but experience we which that ,circumstances other under is still and ,circumstances normal under subjectively is it circumstances other those of some under ,however Divine that point this at is It .not ,therefore ,is and ,for unaccounted ,thereafter experienced continually be will and ,experienced is obfuscation obfuscation point which at ,occurs inevitably enlightenment until ,is that ,occurs obfuscation which by cycle the is This .temporarily ,ceases both experiencing simultaniously of experience unique the one granting and stupidity profound or) realization profound and ignorance profound intricate the in altogether (fitting more is whichever ,intelligence profound never tries obfuscate true A .nature human is that chaos conceptual of flow more and ,flow the with go to but ,flow the create nor ,flow the oppose to own their but ,flow peoples other just Not .flow it let's ,importantly conceptual of flow infinite the of nature the respects obfuscate true A .flow of fruits the blossoms inevitably flow the from that recognizes and ,chaos ,enlightenment inspired spawns obfuscation Elegant .Art ,is that ,creativity to aspire not does obfuscation True .frusteration spawns obfuscation sloppy ,destroy or confuse to out set it does Nor .anyway so do may it but ,annoy was it because not ,transpires inevitably what is Confusion .create to but .place first the in it expecting was nobody because but ,so to intended .folly is else all ,enlightenment for provides obfuscation Divine visualize can obfuscation True .divine not but ,maybe ,Pseudo-obfuscation mere a dismissing ,housefly common a of depths the within from Universe the and ,happen can anything ,point that At .swatted be to needing insect .won't probably The Music Man -=obfuscate=- MOVED FROM "THE OBFUSCATORIUM" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 01/13/92 AT 15:22:37 Comments : OBFUSCATED=100 #40. Message # 44. Date: 08/05/91. Time: 15:59:20. Read 136 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : WHILE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT PERMIFIED COMPARATIVE RELIGION Taoism : Shit Happens. Confucianism : Confucius say, "Shit Happens." Buddhism : If shit happens, it is not really shit. Zen-Buddhism : What is the sound of shit happening? Hinduism : This shit happened before. Islam : If shit happens, it is the will of allah. Protestantism : Let shit happen to someone else. Catholicism : If shit happens, you deserved it. Judaism : Why does shit always happen to us? C- - - MOVED FROM "SCIENCE & PHILOSOPHY" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 02/18/92 AT 21:03:14 Comments : HAHAHA=42 BLOWS!=2 DOINK=32760 BRAVO!=1 Message # 47. Date: 02/27/92. Time: 13:57:16. Read 119 Times. From : Mojo IV To : THE MUSIC MAN Subj : stuph RECEIVED PERMIFIED Yes. Dink is better than Bink. Doink is better that Dink. So, Doink is better than bink. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 02/29/92 AT 11:22:44 Comments : WAY!=100 Message # 74. Date: 07/09/92. Time: 00:20:22. Read 139 Times. From : Ender G To : ALL Subj : Amazing psychological Discovery! Psychologists, performing test in laboratories, have discovered an amazing effect that the color blue has on people. To demonstrate this effect; The Blue Square below is your friend. It has been proven to make people actually feel better when touching its image on a computer screen in tests conducted by psychologist Dr. Bo Place of the of Berkeley. To use its special effect, simply touch its image, and you will feel very pleasant and happy. лллллллллллллллллллллл лллллллллллллллллллллл лллллллллллллллллллллл лллллллллллллллллллллл лллллллллллллллллллллл лллллллллллллллллллллл лллллллллллллллллллллл лллллллллллллллллллллл лллллллллллллллллллллл лллллллллллллллллллллл лллллллллллллллллллллл Simply touch the Blue Square, and you feel feel more pleasant for the rest of the day. ммммм млллллллм ллEnder Gлл плллллллп ппппп MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 07/12/92 AT 23:33:03 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 75. Date: 07/28/88. Time: 14:48:10. Read 679 Times. From : SYSOP To : Tasslehoff Burfoot Subj : The Board! RECEIVED PERMIFIED TASS, AS SOON AS YOU GET TIRED OF THE MENUS YOU CAN CHANGE YOUSELF TO XPERT MODE BY USING THE 'S OPTION ON THE MAIN MENU AND ANSWERING 'YES' TO XPERT MODE. THEN YOU WILL ONLY GET MENUS WHEN YOU ASK FOR THEM. I WILL MAKE A WAY TO LIST THE BOARDS. OKCUL8R C- - - MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 08/24/92 AT 19:41:30 Message # 77. Date: 08/24/92. Time: 19:44:30. Read 115 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : THE PREVIOUS MESSAGE THE PREVIOUS MESSAGE WAS SPONTANEOUSLY PROMOTED TO THE HALL OF FAME BY SOME LINE NOISE TODAY WHEN SOMEBODY PICKED UP THE PHONE. I GUESS THE FATES THINK IT BELONGS HERE, SO I WON'T MOVE IT. I BELIEVE THAT WAS MESSAGE #17 ON THE TAVERN, THE OLDEST SURVIVING MESSAGE ON THE TAVERN, SO MAYBE THAT GIVES IT SOME SORT OF FAME AFTER ALL. C- - - Comments : HAHAHA=101 Message # 78. Date: 07/17/92. Time: 01:00:51. Read 129 Times. From : Ender G To : Ned Zep Subj : Y-o RECEIVED I am going to rape the mans wife who uses a small letter for his last initial but a capital letter for his first one at the end of every message. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):):):) :) :) :) :) :) :):):):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):):):) :) :) :) :):):):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):):):):):):):):):):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):):):):):):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) Dimetapp makes you sleepy, but very relaxed and mellow happy feeling!! MOVED FROM "3AM CLUB" BY HACK MAN ON 10/23/92 AT 02:28:00 Comments : HAHAHA=101 Message # 82. Date: 08/07/91. Time: 21:26:14. Read 113 Times. From : Ubik To : HACK MAN Subj : pizza RECEIVED HEY HACKMAN How about imagining that Santino's screwed up and schedualed a strippers convention for the same night? ***===========================================================*** * ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| * * o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o * * O O O O O O O O O O * *===============================================================* * * * -------- | | |\ | -------- ||| * * | | | | | \ | | | ||| * * | | |-----| | \ | | | ||| * * | | | | | \ | | | * * -------- | | | \| -------- 0 * * * *===============================================================* * ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| * * o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o * * O O O O O O O O O O * ***===========================================================*** UBIK! --==OBFUSCATE==-- HaHaHa! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 05/22/93 AT 02:00:02 Comments : DOINK=1 BRAVO!=100 Message # 84. Date: 04/29/93. Time: 14:39:00. Read 115 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : GUIDE TO STRANGE FEELINGS PERMIFIED dejavu: It seems like this has happened before vujade: It seems like this has never happened before vudeja: It seems like this is always happening vujavu: It seems like nothing ever happens dejade: It seems like everything is happening at once javude: It seems like nothing ever happens to me devuja: It seems like everything always happens to me jadeja: It seems like everything has already happened C- - - MOVED FROM "THE OBFUSCATORIUM" BY Gravebuster ON 05/22/93 AT 12:28:24 Comments : HAHAHA=23 BRAVO!=100 Message # 85. Date: 08/15/91. Time: 11:39:42. Read 123 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : All Subj : Gaviscon's final message of Summer, 1991! PERMIFIED So, I must be departing now. But, I certainly enjoyed seeing all of you. I am glad that there are still Obfuscates who truly can type well. I am off, then. I can leave with a dream to laugh at Obfuscation as far as I'll go. And whoever I meet I will be entirely confusing & vague to them in memory of Hack Man & friends here at the good old Retreat. I'll be around and you shall see me at Christmas. So, I'm really just attempting to take leave of my census for some time or maybe I am too Obfuscated to gnow what I'll do. I am a bit sad at leaving, but even more anxious to go home. Bye! (More) !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- --==Obfuscate /EXtrodinare==-- - \ | / Comments : BRAVO!=142 Message # 90. Date: 01/18/93. Time: 12:57:39. Read 98 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : Bozo Subj : 90210 RECEIVED PERMIFIED Ah yes! Now you're learning! That was good! Severe shock to the Brady Bunch Defensive system. You actually had me angry for 4.7 femtoseconds there. I'm impressed. Don't stop with 90210, though. I'm sure there are plenty more insults that will work even better. The Luke Perry thing was slipping a bit back into your homosexual ideation, but that guy is so positively icky that the merest glimmer that someone might actually believe I watch that show raised my blood temperature half a dregree! Let's see... I believe I'm obligated to return with a retort, am I not? Um... Let's see if I can think of a good one... You gnow... I'm a good instructuralist... But what they say about teaching what you can't do must be correct. (And don't say that I must teach sex ed- ucation classes, because that's too easy.) Well, then, Mr. Bozo, I must say that you are a speck of dust on the air of disappointment. If only half the universe is laughing behind your back, it is only because the other half is in front of your back. You'd be the per- fect candidate for cryogenic experimentation, because not only do even mag- gots avoid you, but your blood is already at sub-zero temperatures, and no one would miss your absence over the next hundred years. You're a waste of skzo. If you were reduced toeperate pipiles of ur component elements, not only would the sight be more interesting, but the conversations with you would be, too. If you took an SAT, you'd score 190. Face it, Bozo. The only reason anyone puts up with your existance is because they gnew if you were dead, no one would bother to do anything with the body. At least while you are animate, there's the possibility that you will walk away. And the only reason I'm stopping this paragraph is because it's pointless to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man. !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -There's really no satisfaction in this line of work, you gnow? MOVED FROM "WAR BOARD" BY HACK MAN ON 06/05/93 AT 01:57:02 Comments : WAY!=2 HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 #90. Message # 121. Date: 11/10/92. Time: 10:23:29. Read 78 Times. From : Mynk Lynx To : HACK DOINK Subj : Another Fine Message from RACKA You SUCK! On 11-10-92 at 10:12:36. Mynk Lynx --==OBFUSCATE==-- Xnyl Knym p.s. Suckton meter = 0621506649780831935330 MOVED FROM "CO-SYSOP'S BOARD" BY The Music Man ON 06/07/93 AT 14:47:09 Message # 146. Date: 05/09/93. Time: 16:31:24. Read 80 Times. From : Mynk Lynx To : HACK DOINK Subj : Another Fine Message from RACKA You SUCK! On 5-09-93 at 16:25:07. Mynk Lynx --==OBFUSCATE==-- Xnyl Knym p.s. Suckton meter = 5173987180655103038363 MOVED FROM "CO-SYSOP'S BOARD" BY The Music Man ON 06/07/93 AT 14:50:30 Message # 147. Date: 05/10/93. Time: 21:56:36. Read 83 Times. From : Mynk Lynx To : HACK DOINK Subj : Another Fine Message from RACKA You SUCK! On 5-10-93 at 21:49:24. Mynk Lynx --==OBFUSCATE==-- Xnyl Knym p.s. Suckton meter = 6150396123207460420937 MOVED FROM "CO-SYSOP'S BOARD" BY The Music Man ON 06/07/93 AT 14:50:36 Message # 148. Date: 05/21/93. Time: 14:41:38. Read 83 Times. From : Mynk Lynx To : HACK DOINK Subj : Another Fine Message from RACKA You SUCK! On 5-21-93 at 14:32:54. Mynk Lynx --==OBFUSCATE==-- Xnyl Knym p.s. Suckton meter = 9006846311966831061066 MOVED FROM "CO-SYSOP'S BOARD" BY The Music Man ON 06/07/93 AT 14:50:47 Message # 166. Date: 08/07/93. Time: 02:29:47. Read 105 Times. From : HACK MAN To : The Music Man Subj : Hey!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT IIII TTTT IIII TTTT IIII TTTT IIII TTTT IIII TTTT IIII TTTT IIII TTTT IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII TTTT C- - - MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY The Music Man ON 08/07/93 AT 19:29:56 Message # 198. Date: 08/15/93. Time: 19:39:03. Read 82 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : Arwen and Yellowbeard Subj : Congrats to U PERMIFIED Hey now to the people who are now the blessed and proud parents of a baby boy! Congratualtions, you two! It is real cool. I hope that he likes my present when you show it to him. It is, of course, a teddy bear I made from all-natural fiber optic signals and a new brand of characters. This is safe for your child and hypo-alergenic too! Anyway, I am happy to hear about Matthew Cory Tetrick, but I think his you should think about the name we picked out for the tyke... Alex Obfuscita Dill- usia Von Doinknob Penguati Etc X-ile Tetrick. (I decided that I should let you at least keep the last name) It's a lovely name and we've been putting so much effort into it. Well, congratulations, one more time. I hope he brings you many loud sleepless...Er, I mean smiles. !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -Ooops! I got a teddy bear that doesn't quite fit in the box! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY The Music Man ON 08/16/93 AT 01:23:47 Comments : BRAVO!=100 Message # 214. Date: 08/17/93. Time: 10:59:32. Read 97 Times. From : HACK MAN To : IFNI Subj : Ifni RECEIVED IFNI Message # 218. Date: 08/25/93. Time: 13:51:12. Read 78 Times. From : Gravebuster To : HACK MAN Subj : HAPPY BIRTHDAY RECEIVED HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! DOINK!HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! DOINK!HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HACKMAN YOU SUCK!HACKY DOINKDAY TO YOU!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK! DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK! DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK! DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK! DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK! DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK! DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK! A forty-two DOINK! salute! +++Gravebuster --==by the way, I still don't have your present yet. Blasted mail order companies!==-- MOVED FROM "EMAIL" BY HACK MAN ON 08/23/93 AT 03:03:23 Message # 219. Date: 07/15/93. Time: 02:36:05. Read 103 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : All Subj : My day in Kla-MATH, Part I PERMIFIED My day in Kla-MATH, Part I: "ARRIVAL" Gaviscon had never been to Oregon, but it looked exactly as he had always pictured it: Green. Calfornia had lots of green, especially near Mount Shasta and Lake Tahoe, but Oregon was all green. California's green always seemed rationed discreetly amongst a yellow background. Even when California was all green, he expected that if he were to cut some of it out, there would be yellow underneath. Oregon was green on top of green on top of more green. And Gav hated it. He liked Portland, though. Portland was a gray and white swath, cut violently out of the green background. Portland, in turn, was cut by a dark river that never moved. And Portland had candy, who was just visiting for a month. She'd asked Gav to relieve her of her boredom. But once he got there, candy had found some people who would believe in her and he suddenly realized that he never had much more to offer her than that. What use was he in a world that believed more and more in a distraught little terror like candy? Well, one day, he thought to himself, they'll realize that she's not real. Then, she'll only have me again. Thoughts like these wafted through his mind as he navigated his intersteller speeder along the Interstate 5. He could have simply flown straight home from Oregon at supersonic speeds, but he always got lost on large continents, and could never figure out the FA laws concerning that sort of thing. As it was, he'd been skimming along at 80 miles per hour anyway, hoping that no legal authorities would mind. His stolen cloking device had been stuck on "Red Hyundai mode" for years and it bothered him that it was the sort of red that immediately attracted the attention of the local Highway Patrol. "I must remember to thank Mahogony when I get back," he reminded himself. The speeder took voice commands, so it wasn't necessary for Gaviscon to be able to touch anything to operate it. That was fortunate as Gaviscon hadn't been able to touch a thing since he'd died so long ago. (YES! THAT WAS A NOT-SO-SUBTLE PLOT MESSAGE FOR THE BENEFIT OF THOSE WHO MIGHT NOT HAVE GNOWN THAT!) "Dead men don't push buttons," Jeri had said, and the speeder had a lot of buttons. Thank God for the voice commands. But Thank Mahogony for the bit of magic that allowed the speeder to carry Gaviscon's insubstantial image. The realm of magic was called something like "subliminus psychologus" or something. What- ever, it worked. "Hey," remarked Gaviscon aloud, "Arwen and Yellowbeard have been docked in Kla-MATH, California for a while. I wonder if they're still there?" He gnew he would probably never find himself so close to Klamath again, so he ordered the ship to change course and cut to the coast. Gaviscon concerned himself always with the what, and never the how or the why. He wasn't sure why he was searching for old friends, when he gnew how long he'd been away without an excuse. And he really didn't gnow how he was going to find them. But he'd stumbled across smaller ships before, and that was in the vast nigh-infinity of space. Once he arrived, he stopped the speeder at a little motel/video store--the only thing open--and asked if the owner gnew of Arwen and Yellowbeard. The owner looked up everyone with matching first names on her computer until she found one that had a flying pirate ship parked on Highway 101. Tentatively, Gaviscon called the number. (Or rather had the hotel/video store owner call while Gaviscon floated close to the receiver). "Ahoy?" "Hi. Is this Yellowbeard?" "Uh, yes, matey." "This is Gav. I'm in Kla-MATH. Where are you?" "GAV? Wow! Hey, Arwen, it's Gav! He's in town!" The conversation ended quickly with vague instructions that Gavis- con dilligently followed, aided by Yellowbeard who stood outside waving flashing landing lights. Upon arriving, Gav quickly noticed why he had not noticed the large, flying pirate ship: it had been landed, attached to a cabin, and converted into a living space. "Bless me barnacles, Gav, it's been a while," Yellowbeard greated. "Come on in. No, wait. First I've got to find my dog." "Dog?" Gaviscon wondered about the practically of a pirate owning a canine. "Well, a seadog, you understand. Ar! Ar! Ar!" Just then, Arwen came floating out, sparkling as usual. "Gav, it's so good to see you. Could you go out and find out if that thing out there is a bear?" "WHAT?" Gaviscon looked shocked, mostly because he was. "Well, it's probably our dog, but if it's that bear that's been hanging around, I don't want it getting at my sweetie... Not without Gravebuster around to resurrect him if he gets mauled." Gaviscon grumbled and stalked off to the shadowed shed in the dis- tance, mumbling, "That's the trouble with being dead. Everyone assumes you can't be killed." ....................................................................... Next week--Part II: "THE GLASS OF MILK" !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -The events you have read here are both real and imaginary. Only the facts have been changed to provoke the innocent. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 08/25/93 AT 20:05:47 Comments : HAHAHA=143 Message # 220. Date: 07/19/93. Time: 01:12:25. Read 97 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : All Subj : My day in Kla-MATH, part II PERMIFIED My day in Kla-MATH, Part II: "THE GLASS OF MILK" After establishing that the animal in question was indeed the sea-dog and not a bear, Arwen and Yellowbeard invited Gaviscon onto their ship. The ship appeared to Gaviscon as having more space on the inside than the outer geometry would suggest. Upon entering the kitchen, the cherub beamed brightly at the sudden opportunity to offer hospitality. "Would you like something to drink, Gav? We have sodas and juices and milk and beer and water and all sorts of things. If we don't have it, I'm sure I could go out and find something for you. What was it you always drink? Jasminefruit or something, right? Tealfruit?" "Um..." Gaviscon was afraid to mention that ghosts don't eat or drink anything. He also doubted her ability to obtain a fushiafruit to make a fuschiafruit cocktail, but he didn't want to suggest that. "Milk will be great!" Gaviscon wasn't entirely sure what he was going to do once he was served, but he didn't want to face the consequences of depriving this friendly cherub from her hospitality. She gleamed. Gaviscon, never sure what to expect, had brought a disintegrator gun with him. After all, this crazy pair lived in the forest. There were bugs in the forest. While Gaviscon was disturbed at the prospect of a mauling at the paws of a bear, that was nothing compared to his fear of bugs. Only a wide-beam blast from a disintegrator pistol was ultimately successful as an insecticide, in Gav's opinion. candy had given Gav that pistol many years ago when he thought he had lost all of his belongings after his ship crashed and caught fire. He was never sure how she had gotten ahold of the weapon, but suspected that she had perhaps stolen several select items be- fore the fire. Unfortunately, the pistol was completely useless as a bug repellent, as it seemed to have gotten stuck on low power and only cast a wide beam of visible light that barely even singed its victim. Mahogony had somehow "arranged" for Gaviscon to be able to carry the gun on his person, but Gav could never figure out how to work or even find the power controls. "So what brings ye to KLA-math, Gav?" Yellowbeard cackled. "My speeder," remarked Gaviscon, acgnowledging Arwen who happily set a glass of milk next to Gaviscon's chair. "No serious, I figured I'd never be this close to Kla-MATH again so I just cut across the state on my way back from Oregon. I wasn't sure where to find you, but I figured with my odd serendipity levels, I'd probably just run into you." The trio then proceeded to discuss, for at least three hours, all of the great adventures of the past, the events that Gav had missed on his quest to regain his memory, and the plans for the future. Gaviscon was re- minded that Arwen Undomiel was expecting a young pirate cherub within the month, to which Gav offered sincere congratulations. Yellowbeard described some of his efforts to help HACK MAN with the rebuilding efforts in New Linhir. Gaviscon remembered that New Linhir was just as prosperous and, in fact, much larger than it had been under the rule of the Gnome, but appar- ently the Obfuscates still hadn't given up on improving and expanding the creations they had made. "I must go back to New Linhir soon," remarked Gaviscon. "Despite my differences, something just doesn't feel right when I'm out on my own, even when candy is with me." Gaviscon remembered how happy candy had been in Oregon, how much she had wanted Gav to like her new friends. During the conversation, Gaviscon figured out an ingenious plan for disposing of the milk. He sneaked out his disintegrator pistol when no one was looking, turned it on, and aimed it at the glass. Slowly over the next three hours, the low power beam evaporated the milk. Problem solved. Nearing one o'clock in the morning, Arwen reminded them that they had to get up early the next morning for spiritual reasons. "Cherub rituals," she explained. They offered Gav a bunk in the crew's quarters of their ship, which he accepted gratefully. Gav slept happily that night, com- pletely forgetting about the disintegrator pistol, which he'd left on the table next to the empty glass of milk. .......................................................................... Next week--Part III: "PAWPRINTS, PISTOLS, AND THE PACIFIC COAST !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -The facts you have read here are both real and imaginary. Only the facets have been changed to panic the innocent. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 08/25/93 AT 20:59:24 Comments : BRAVO!=100 #220. Message # 221. Date: 07/26/93. Time: 04:55:10. Read 97 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : All Subj : My day in Kla-MATH, Part III PERMIFIED My day in Kla-MATH, Part III: "PAWPRINTS, PISTOLS, AND THE PACIFIC COAST" Gaviscon woke the next day, happy and ready for his trip. Drifting out into the kitchen where Arwen and Yellowbeard were fixing breakfast, though it didn't appear to be broken, Gaviscon prepared to say his goodbyes. He gnew what the response would be. "What? You're leaving? Let me make you breakfast! Would you like some cereal or toast? Maybe some eggs, or an omelet? I could whip up some simple French Crepes Suzette Flambe in a light orange sauce with home picked wild berries and freshly churned butter. Yellowbelly! Go find some berries and a cow!" "No, really!" Gav stammered, thinking of scores upon scores of equally lame excuses. He couldn't figure out how to tell this kind, generous, nat- urally hospitible cherub that ghosts can't eat. "Don't trouble yourself. It's very kind of you to offer. I'm very gratious, but I really must be going." Arwen had a hurt look in her eye which saddened Gaviscon. "I had a great time, though!" Gaviscon said, truthfully. Arwen beamed up again and Gaviscon no longer felt as guilty. Gaviscon promised to come back to New Linhir, where Arwen and Yellowbeard made frequent expensive excursions to. "Falco hired me on as a hostess-slash- waitress!" Arwen happily declared. Gaviscon was at first bothered by this concept, having been so used to Falco's sole presence as owner-slash-bar- tender, but the more he thought about her hospitality and the more he thought about the Crepes Suzette, the more he got used to the idea. The three found, as Arwen had warned, that Gav's speeder was covered in pawprints. Their cat had a particular habit of "marking" all visitor's vehicles with scads and scads of pawprints. It was really quite cute, and a significant improvement over the dust-and-dead-bugs design underneath. He smiled, congratulated Arwen once more on her unborn little Obfuscita, then left--leaving behind more smiles, memories, and his disintegrator pistol stuck on low power. He remembered about the pistol as about exactly the point in the drive down the winding Highway 101 when it's too late to do anything. "Oh well!" he muttered, speeding up a few miles per hour, leaving be- hind yet another piece of candy as he drove. !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -But the story never ends... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 08/30/93 AT 20:31:36 Comments : BRAVO!=100 Message # 222. Date: 08/30/93. Time: 15:58:06. Read 73 Times. From : Grazz't To : Stranger Subj : B L A H RECEIVED PERMIFIED print is dead MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 08/31/93 AT 01:25:26 Comments : BOG ME=100 Message # 223. Date: 08/03/93. Time: 13:01:49. Read 82 Times. From : The Music Man To : Stranger Subj : missing links RECEIVED PERMIFIED Maybe we could just plug our brains in using cellular remotes, and log on at our convenience any time of day, while cooking, shopping, going to the bathroom, watching old david letterman re-runs. It'd be like...telepathy! The Ultimate In Networking! BRAINET! Get the stock reports while driving to work! Download files from the library of congress during your history exams! Call up instant facts during arguements and debates! Information available at the synapses immediately upon request! Throw away all your instruction manuals! Never need to open a book again! BRAINET! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 08/31/93 AT 21:49:28 Comments : HAHAHA=23 BRAVO!=100 Message # 224. Date: 12/22/88. Time: 14:59:06. Read 110 Times. From : SYSOP To : ALL Subj : INFINITE MESSAGE RECEIVED PERMIFIED AS YOU TRAVEL THE ROAD OF LIFE, THE ROAD SIGNS READ AS FOLLOWS. | I | | | ___________ | I | | NOW | | | |APPROACHING| | I | | INFINITY | | | ----------- | I | | | | | | I | | | Message # 225. Date: 08/29/89. Time: 14:39:12. Read 99 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : All Subj : Picture! RECEIVED PERMIFIED _______________________________________ __-- / ____________________ /--__ / / - / /\ / --__ / __/ / / / / / --__ /_-- / - / / / / --__ \_/ /___________________/ / / / ____--=- / - /____________________\/ / ____---- __-- __/____________________________________/____---- __-- __-- | _ _ _ _ | __-- / _| (_) (_) (_) (_) | __-- / __-- -) FTAS (- | __-- /_-- _______________________________|-- \___________/ Excuse me, everyone... My ride is here... !!! GAVISCON !!! P.S. I JUST FOUND THIS MESSAGES THAT WAS -=@ Margin Master @=- ACCIDENTALLY LEFT PRIVATE. C- - - MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/01/93 AT 08:17:22 Comments : BRAVO!=100 Message # 229. Date: 08/07/93. Time: 22:59:25. Read 111 Times. From : YellowBeard To : all Subj : New Crew member PERMIFIED It was a dark and stormy night... No, no, wait. That's been done... It was a warm August afternoon, and the Tavern was filled with the buzz of conversation. Suddenly, and without warning there is a loud CRASH as a figure comes through the large front window of the Tavern. The figure sails through the air on the end of a long rope while people and other animate beings are diving for cover whereever they can find it. As he makes the swooping arc through the once peaceful room the unmistakable voice of YellowBeard can be heard saying... Ahoy! It's a BOY!!!! As he reaches the end of his rope he lets go attempting to make a swash-buckling type landing, Yellowbeard lands instead on the player piano, and with another loud CRASH-SPROING (in A-minor no less) goes right through the top of it. All that can be seen of him is an arm sticking through the top clenching a fistfull of freshly smuggled Cuban cigars, and a card which reads: NAME: Matthew Cory Tetrick BORN: 8-7-93 TIME: 6:09am WIEGHT: 8 lbs, 10 oz. LENGTH: 21 1/4 in. HEAD: 14 1/2 In. CHEST: 13 1/2 in. With a voice as gleefull as a pirate can make it Yellowbeard says from inside the piano "Arr ye landlubbers! Haves a drink on me, an' do it quick b'for I'ze changes me mind!!" YellowPappa 8) P.S. -- I'll haves a Rum, an' makes it a double! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/03/93 AT 03:31:46 Comments : BRAVO!=101 Message # 234. Date: 08/08/93. Time: 08:32:34. Read 100 Times. From : Number Two To : The Music Man Subj : Femmes RECEIVED PERMIFIED Barney says "I love you" "Won't you say you love me too?" Barney Theme Song: (Sing to the tune of Yankee Doodle) Barney is a Dinosaur from our imagination And when he's TALL he's what we call a dinosaur sensation. BARNEY's friends are big and small; they come from lot's of places. After school they meet to play and sing with happy faces. BARNEY shows us lots of things like how to play pretend, A-B-C's and ONE, TWO, THREES and how to be a friend. BARNEY comes to play with us whenever we may need him. Barney can be YOUR friend too if you just make believe him! Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/03/93 AT 03:32:39 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Number Two ON 09/04/93 AT 00:03:26 Comments : BOG ME=100 Message # 235. Date: 08/31/93. Time: 12:20:36. Read 71 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Gravebuster Subj : Suggestion #17 On Your Todo List RECEIVED PERMIFIED NONONONO. HOW ABOUT "NETWORK THE BBS WITH THE TV SATELLITE SYSTEM SO THAT IT IS AVAILABLE ON CHANNEL 42 ON EVERBODIES TV SET." C- - - MOVED FROM "CO-SYSOP'S BOARD" BY Gravebuster ON 09/05/93 AT 01:21:42 Comments : HAHAHA=100 PROMOTE ME=100 Message # 236. Date: 08/10/93. Time: 03:14:53. Read 89 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : IFNI Subj : Chat RECEIVED PERMIFIED Oh... What? You don't gnow? The transformation is really easy. I'm surprised that no one's told you yet: All you have to do is pull your lower lip over your nose and breath the air out of your mouth through your nostrils for seven minutes, thirty five seconds, and two hours. During this time, you should, of course, be crossing your eyes and standing on your head. You should also be upside down during this process. Now some people confuse the phrase, "standing on your head" to mean being upside down, but I naturally meant "standing on your head" in the most literal sense. Now, I hope you have some PVP pipe, because you're going to also have to play some music during this time. It's a very simple piece, really: a simultaneous rendition of Liszt's Trancendental Etude in F minor and the harpsichord solo in the first movement of Bach's Brandenburg Concer- to #5. You get bonus points, of course, if you include the violins, but only the harpsichord solo is needed. I told you that the transformation is really easy! There are a few more steps, though. The second part of the transforma- tion involves simply reconstructing each detail of the eighth year of the life of any female French peasant farmer who lived anytime in the 14th cen- tury whose existance is currently ungnown to history, using only a compass and the small perturbations that the peasant farmer left in the Earth's mag- netic field. The third part of the transformation involves reading a short "Obfuscate's chant" outloud while peeling rocks. For your convenience, the chant comes in a forty two volume set with the parts that you have to say ventriloquently in bold face. We realize that not all interested parties have the same social background, so copies of the chant are available in three different languages: Demotic, Coptic, and Ancient Icelandic. Drop by your local Endothermic Theraspid wholesaler to pick up a copy. You can pay with either Swedish 10-daler copper plate 1644 coins or with ancient Turkish electrum staters. The fourth part of the transformation--and I gnow that you are thinking it's been way too simple so far--is even easier. All you have to do is swim to the moon. That's all. You don't even have to do it with any particular stroke. You can butterfly, elementary back stroke, doggie paddle, or sidestroke your way there. And you don't have to do anything else at the same time. The only conditions are that you arrive on a Friday (Yukon Time Zone, of course) and that you arrive on the dark side. The fifth part of the transformation is getting back to Earth by collecting fractional bits of other people's frequent flyer miles. The sixth part is that you must create a fanatic cult with not less than seven hundred followers. We offer a lot of leeway in this portion: the cult can worship any sort of deep sea mollusk, use any kind of styrofoam monument for its meetings (so long as it is at least one hundred and eighteen cubits tall), and require forsaking any one of the four forces of nature for membership. You must build the cult's mem- bership to a frothing suicidal frenzy within eight weeks of formation, then say, "Just Kidding!" and walk away with a cheery smile, whistling "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" from 'The Life of Brian'. Finally, you get a choice for the seventh and last step. You can either constuct a working fusion engine out of crazy glue, a box of cinnimon-flavoured toothpicks, two LEGO(tm) Expert-Builder's sets, and seventeen tons of Play-Doh(tm); or you can make farting noises with your armpits. Naturally, most people pick the former action since they think is kinda icky to make farting noises with their armpits. And that's all there is to it. So one day when you wake up an Obfuscate and you'll gnow how you managed the transformation. !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -Transformation: The wacky proctor's game. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/05/93 AT 01:31:59 Comments : HAHAHA=42 OBFUSCATED=142 BRAVO!=100 Message # 237. Date: 08/13/93. Time: 23:29:18. Read 88 Times. From : Number Two To : Gaviscon Aviscenna Subj : Chat RECEIVED PERMIFIED I was wondering about this amazing series of events that happened to me about 6-8 months ago. The part about the rocks peeling, did happen, but before anything else. I was speaking to my client, the Rock in the middle of the road, and a small group of it's friends about this and that; just shoting the breeze really, when all of a sudden two of it's rfiends just stood up and peeled. It was astounding, and I was agape with confusing emotions. My client seemed equally as shocked, and it was then that I figured that this was no standard custom for rocks (later, my mother told me that I should have already known that. "Have you ever seen a peeled rock?",she said). I made up a quick explanation for excusing myself and walked the 5 blocks back to my house. Once there, I took a nice hot bath, and let the horror so of the day soak into the ultramarine.... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/05/93 AT 01:38:11 Comments : BRAVO!=100 Message # 238. Date: 08/15/93. Time: 19:38:45. Read 82 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : The Music Man Subj : New Crew member RECEIVED PERMIFIED And always on the very next day! !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! I posted a one-liner! Somebody plug me! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/05/93 AT 15:47:10 Comments : BRAVO!=100 Message # 239. Date: 08/17/93. Time: 19:47:15. Read 83 Times. From : Number Two To : HACK MAN Subj : AND OTHER HOOVED ANIMALS RECEIVED PERMIFIED One of my bestest friends had a small pet llama. She kept it in the Pink Barbie lunch pail that she used as her purse. It seemed happy enough and would never spit at anyone who didn't seem to deserve it. She petted it until it purred (more proof towards Jehan's theory), and di all manner of llamaish things to really make it feel at home. Alas, one day when she went to fetch to keep her company at a popular now- defunct coffee house, it had disappeared, perhaps even run away. She was saddened, but after a bit of conversation, and a bit more meditation we think that she learned a valuable lesson in the psychology of the single llama. Namely, that they are wanderers,and cannot spend too much time in one place, no matter how well they are treated, or loved. Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/05/93 AT 15:54:46 Comments : HAHAHA=100 BRAVO!=100 Message # 240. Date: 09/06/93. Time: 08:30:22. Read 70 Times. From : SKURKEY To : Blahers. Subj : Hall of Blah I just realized that I don't have any posts in the Hall of Blah.... maybe what I say isn't all that memorable....... BLAH MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 09/06/93 AT 12:31:27 Comments : HAHAHA=100 PROMOTE ME=1 #240. Message # 241. Date: 08/28/93. Time: 11:54:15. Read 77 Times. From : Stranger To : BOg INhabitants Subj : Ranging thru Time PERMIFIED R E S I S T A N C E I S F U T I L E F U T I L I T Y I S R E S I S T A N T It's all one B I G T H I N G. Stranger ><-ile MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 09/06/93 AT 12:37:59 Comments : WAY!=1 Message # 242. Date: 11/17/90. Time: 21:08:23. Read 84 Times. From : Ubik To : ALL Subj : New User RECEIVED PERMIFIED Greetings I've been peeking around for a few days, and I must say this is a truly fine place you have here. You can almost smell the Pine Sol and a high degree of obfuscation is clearly present.(?) So...do you folks take in refugees? You wouldn't believe where I've been. I think it was the barren waste of luddite lumpens. The people I spend my days with never read anything except the sports page. They think cold fusion is what happens to leftover oatmeal. Actually, I'm bored to death and have no one to talk to. I'm a quiet, peaceful, discordian (Hail Eris!) anarchist, or at least I used to be an anarchist. After the last election I decided that people are too dumb to rule themselves and so I'm considering campaigning for the Emperor George Totalitarian Party (coming out soon in a war near you). So anyway...I'm happy to be here, proud to be an American, God bless the flag, and where is that free margarita? UBIK MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/06/93 AT 20:26:48 Comments : BRAVO!=100 Message # 243. Date: 11/19/90. Time: 22:26:54. Read 83 Times. From : John To : All Subj : Line noise RECEIVED PERMIFIED I would like to put forward the proposition that line noise is an intelligent life form. I offer the following: In spite of all our efforts, and thousands (well, several....) dollars worth of the best equipment, it takes control of our communications from time to time. Occasionally it even posts, or logs us off. I submit that this meets many of the criteria for bbs users; thus line noise as an entity may be..... alive. Pehaps we might form a study group to discuss this, and determine what methods we may undertake to communicate with the line noise, and form a policy as to what we will do if we achieve communication..... it would be interesting to have a tame line noise, or at least a working agreement with one. I have determined independently thus far that line noise seems to favor GTE, for some reason. Also, it likes external modems. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/06/93 AT 20:28:33 Comments : HAHAHA=101 RASPBERRYS=1 Message # 244. Date: 04/30/90. Time: 12:47:00. Read 73 Times. From : Racer X To : Siegfried Volsung Subj : what is it RECEIVED PERMIFIED Sounds like a nice bookstore. The chain bookstores really suck. Nothing that might offend is offered. It's the McDonald's of opinions, with no appeal to anyone but the masses (the bungled and botched, as Nietzsche would say). You can't even request anything, since they have to bulk order (I have been tempted to seriously request quantity and say that I plan to distribute "alternative" books at a B. Dalton.) I'll think about it when I have some money to spend on books. I was just joking about worrying. I'm sure you and Jason wouldn't be violent unless it's called for anyway. I would have to brush up on a few things, so we could have an intelligent talk along the way. I'll leave mail sometime in the next few weeks about it. Racer X MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 09/07/93 AT 02:12:24 Comments : BLOWS!=1 Message # 245. Date: 05/16/90. Time: 02:36:56. Read 81 Times. From : Unka Buck To : Subj : Shh... RECEIVED PERMIFIED Hey, is some one shouting in the library? Not so loud. -Unka Buck- -Librarian- MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 09/07/93 AT 02:19:10 Comments : BLOWS!=1 Message # 246. Date: 07/21/90. Time: 02:43:21. Read 93 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : ODE TO A SPATULA PERMIFIED SPATULA CITY! SPATULA CITY! DELIVER ME UNTO SPATULA PARADISE I HAVE A NIFTY AWESOME SPATULA I THINK IT'S RADICALLY NICE. I'M INFATUA WITH MY LOVELY SPATULA SPATULICITY! SPATULICITY! SPATUFATUATION SPATULA'S ARE THE RAGE. YES IT IS NOW THE SPATULA NATION. SO BY NOW YOU CAN SEE SPATULAS ARE FOR ME. MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 09/07/93 AT 02:21:26 Comments : HAHAHA=101 Message # 247. Date: 08/30/93. Time: 15:58:06. Read 89 Times. From : Grazz't To : Stranger Subj : B L A H RECEIVED PERMIFIED print is dead MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 08/31/93 AT 01:25:26 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY The Music Man ON 09/06/93 AT 12:53:31 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY HACK MAN ON 09/07/93 AT 08:32:26 Comments : BOG ME=100 PROMOTE ME=42 Message # 248. Date: 10/22/91. Time: 01:20:14. Read 87 Times. From : Racer X To : ALL Subj : Obfuscate-To-Be PERMIFIED I hereby propose that Ender G/Gizmo/Ender/whatever handle he's going by be given full and complete Obfuscate status. Racer >< MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 09/07/93 AT 12:55:28 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=117 BLOWS!=100 BRAVO!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 249. Date: 10/12/91. Time: 20:55:38. Read 93 Times. From : Gizmo To : All Obfuscates Subj : whoa is me PERMIFIED I hereby renounce Obfuscation. Xenogenesis MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 09/07/93 AT 13:00:52 Comments : RASPBERRYS=17 BLOWS!=1 GROAN.=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 250. Date: 10/21/90. Time: 03:15:56. Read 71 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Ender Subj : bart RECEIVED PERMIFIED THANK YOU FOR THE NOTICE BUT I'LL HAVE TO CANCEL MY ORDER I HAD A PENGUIN INSTEAD. C- - - MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 09/07/93 AT 13:05:19 Comments : BRAVO!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 BOG ME=1 #250. Message # 251. Date: 08/15/89. Time: 15:51:18. Read 91 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : The hound of the Far Side Subj : Gnee-Oh Obfuscates? PERMIFIED Every once in a while, I tend to get a kind of urge in my blood, telling me that it just happens to be the correct time to write a new, and inter- resting margin. This is, by one of those strange yet true (and a bit of unique) coincid- ences, a margin just like that! I'm trying to get a bit more weird things done before I leave for school and I gnow that a few people here might be wondering why I call myself the Margin Master in the first place, so I thought I would post a few, to see what happens. I am not really sure if I like this one. It's kind of hard to determine exactly what it is, huh? Ah well, I AM o ut of practice. Perhaps tomarrow I'll get better inspired? Anyway, I thanks for bearing with me through this. I gnow it is terrible, but I will save it, anyway. After all, it'll help my average message ratio. Until then, hasta pasta, everyone. (That means, of course, "Until lasanga") You don't have to like this margin if you don't want to. Obfuscate!!! !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -= OBFUSCATE /EXtrodinaire =- MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 09/07/93 AT 13:20:07 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 252. Date: 05/05/89. Time: 03:58:46. Read 81 Times. From : MISSION IMPOSSIBLE To : ALL USERS Subj : VAGINAL FLATCHULATION PERMIFIED PUSSY FARTS ! MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 09/07/93 AT 13:24:09 Comments : BLOWS!=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 253. Date: 03/13/89. Time: 17:17:26. Read 90 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : Infocommies Subj : Ever wonder what a Zorkmid looked like? PERMIFIED Brought to you straight from the esteemed: |||||||||||||| || __ __ || || $$ $$ || \|| >> ||/ || ______ || | -//--- | \\_//_____// ___//| | /__// | | | | __________// \\__________ / $ / **** \ $ \ / / ** \ \ / /| ** |\ \ / / | ** | \ \ / / | ** | \ \ ^ ^__|______$Z$**$Z$______|___^ ^ \ * $Z$**$Z$ * / \________*___$Z$**$Z$___*________/ | $Z$**$Z$ | J. PIERPONT FLATHEAD CHAIRMAN _________________________________________________________________ | 1 0 0 GREAT UNDERGROUND EMPIRE 1 0 0 | | 1 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 | | 1 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 | | 1 0 0 DIMWIT 1 0 0 | | |||||||||||||||| | | || __ __ || B30332744D | | || -OO OO- || | | IN FROBS \|| >> ||/ WE TRUST | | || ______ || | | B30332744D | ------ | | | \\________// | | 1 0 0 Series FLATHEAD LD Flathead 1 0 0 | | 1 0 0 0 0 719GUE Treasurer 1 0 0 0 0 | | 1 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 | | 1 0 0 One Hundred Royal Zorkmids 1 0 0 | |_______________________________________________________________| (This is official. Don't print it out, however, or you may be charged with counterfitting. I believe the Flatheads have set the penalty for counter- fitting at death by Grues.) !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -Trapped on Terra -)Future Traveller's Aid Society(- -Tomarrow... Stamps! MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 09/07/93 AT 13:28:35 Comments : BRAVO!=100 Message # 254. Date: 12/27/88. Time: 23:40:29. Read 80 Times. From : JOE BLOW To : ALL Subj : LIFE PERMIFIED I LIVE, THEREFORE I AM. JOE BLOW MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 09/07/93 AT 13:36:30 Comments : BOG ME=1 Message # 256. Date: 10/24/91. Time: 14:10:48. Read 83 Times. From : Racer X To : Gravebuster Subj : Proposals RECEIVED PERMIFIED I seem to be the only one that sees the problems or potential problems with the situation. Most of you seem to be of the opinion that one user has already been turned off of Obfuscates because of this. What makes you think there won't be more? What makes you think that the Xenononsense crowd won't make allegations against us somewhere that our side won't be heard? This whole thing could blow up in our faces. You may be missing my point. If Gizmo is offered Obfuscate status and accepts it, Xenogenesis will be divided and even easier to attack. If they continue to try to wreck the Obfuscates all the evidence will show that we tried to be open and tolerant. If he is offered Obfuscate status and rejects it, it won't matter. Xenogenesis will be wrecked soon enough anyway and it'll still look like we did our best to be open and tolerant. If we don't offer him Obfuscate status we lose all those PR points as well as a great opportunity to destroy Xenogenesis and, more importantly, OBFUSCATE. It has been said that the best way to be an Obfuscate is to not try so hard. Well, he quit trying what more reason do we need? Of course he'll give away the Obfuscatronix! That's the beauty of it. As far as I can tell the only way to lose Obfuscate access is to give away the secrets of Obfuscation. He'll give away the Obfuscatronix and as soon as someone uses them we can blame him (we won't even need proof because he's done it before) and change the system. If for some bizarre reason he doesn't give them away, no loss there. Everyone else seemed intent on making him an Obfuscate before. We could use another couple of Obfuscates anyway. If he gives them away and no one uses them we won't even gnow, so there's no loss there either. The whole issue could be avoided by not really giving him the 'real' Obfuscatronix, but something that would only work for him and non-Obfuscates. A routine could even be put in that automatically strips his access if a non- Obfuscate uses the 'Obfuscatronix'. Then the whole thing could be taken out and someone will end up looking like a fool and it won't be you or me. However, to answer HACK MAN's question, I think it will work because he really can't accept the offer without looking like a fool. He could do it and say that he'll get Xenogenesis the codes but if that's been covered in advance... I've rambled on long enough, but there's more to be said about this. I think this would be great fun if the proper precautions are taken. Racer >< MOVED FROM "THE TEMPLE OF DILLUSION" BY HACK MAN ON 09/08/93 AT 14:46:46 Comments : BLOWS!=1 ARGH!=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 257. Date: 12/08/91. Time: 02:09:44. Read 78 Times. From : Racer X To : aLL Subj : Ack! PERMIFIED By the way, I resign as an Obfuscate too. Gizmo for Obfuscate! Racer >< -Tick ... tick ... MOVED FROM "THE TEMPLE OF DILLUSION" BY HACK MAN ON 09/08/93 AT 14:52:30 Comments : WHO CARES=100 BRAVO!=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 258. Date: 12/30/91. Time: 04:29:14. Read 76 Times. From : Racer X To : Lord Cirdan Subj : Howdy, who ate all the chocolate? RECEIVED PERMIFIED Will YOU accept my resignation? I'm not a Xenodip and don't intend to be one. I just don't want to be an Obfuscate and no one else is willing to accept that. Thank you and have a nice day. Racer >< MOVED FROM "THE TEMPLE OF DILLUSION" BY HACK MAN ON 09/08/93 AT 14:53:35 Comments : BLOWS!=1 GIVE ME A BREAK!=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 259. Date: 07/14/91. Time: 12:58:39. Read 98 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Gravebuster Subj : Communion Duck RECEIVED HEY, PASS THE COMMUNION DUCK! C- - - P.S. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO ROAST A DUCK? The government owns 34 percent of all the land in America. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 09/09/93 AT 23:12:17 Comments : ZZZZZZZ=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 260. Date: 07/18/91. Time: 13:09:05. Read 113 Times. From : Ice Devil To : ICE DEVIL! Subj : WELL! RECEIVED PERMIFIED IT'S VERY SIMPLE! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS INFLICT SOME SORT OF PAIN OR HARDSHIP ON: The Shadow Kinf (aka MOJO) MAIM HIM, MAUL HIM, BEAT HIM, PUT SAND IN HIS SHEETS, PUT BEN-GAY IN HIS UNDERWEAR, CUASE PAIN UNTO HIM, CUASE UNREPAIRABLE NUERAL DAMAGE TO HIM, SEXUALLY TORMENT HIM (Wow, realll tough), CAUSE MENTAL CRUELTY! THERE ARE 1001 WAYS TO MAIM MOJO! Contestants will be judged on these criteria: ORIGINALITY MAXIMUM DAMAGE INFLICTED INGENUITY MAXIMUM MENTAL STRESS INFLICTED EFFICIENCY MAXIMUM PAIN INFLICTED AS WELL AS ANY OTHER CRITERIA THE PANAL OF JUDGES CAN THINK OF!!! MANY WAYS TO PLAY! EVEN MORE WAYS TO WIN!!!! SEE The I.C.E. Palace for COMPLETE Rules and Regulations! SO! START BEATING MOJO TODAY! AND MAYBE YOU WILL BE: MOJO MAIMER ELITE! (relatives to the shadow king inelligable. see rules and regulations for complete methods of playing and odds of winning.) MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 09/09/93 AT 23:13:18 Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 WHO CARES=100 BOG ME=100 PROMOTE ME=101 #260. Message # 261. Date: 09/07/93. Time: 02:02:54. Read 76 Times. From : Stranger To : Worshippers of Selene Subj : The Moon PERMIFIED look at you moon yellow shining silver down on me draw you down on me love nothing up there you are I worship your fair countenance dance in your rays fade with your phases dance in your shadows setting waning stars influence shall we waltz? no I think not we shall fuck you and I moon baying at you up at you shall I draw you down now . . . ? fateful orb yellow shining silver setting on salty seas and oh, I miss you moon. but oh, you're waxing now nevermind . . . full. Stranger ><-ile MOVED FROM "The Demented Herbarium" BY IFNI ON 09/12/93 AT 13:42:13 Comments : HUH?=1 Message # 262. Date: 09/15/93. Time: 15:38:29. Read 61 Times. From : Ghost To : Stranger Subj : uh RECEIVED PERMIFIED He mint to do better than that, but after the run-in with the Legumbre Bros.: Art and Gus, all ambition left him. While Artichoked him, Aspearagus nearly ran him through. Shaken, he felt a retreat was in order, and decided to rest on his laurels. MOVED FROM "The Demented Herbarium" BY IFNI ON 09/15/93 AT 18:43:41 Comments : HAHAHA=1 GROAN.=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 263. Date: 02/04/92. Time: 16:13:14. Read 436 Times. From : Number Two To : Hink Mynx Subj : Ha ha RECEIVED PERMIFIED R e s i s t a n c e i s F u t i l e ! ! (just a reminder) MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Number Two ON 02/04/92 AT 16:15:11 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY HACK MAN ON 02/04/92 AT 21:21:18 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Number Two ON 02/05/92 AT 02:12:19 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY HACK MAN ON 02/06/92 AT 23:33:59 MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY Mynk Lynx ON 02/07/92 AT 21:48:39 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Mynk Lynx ON 02/07/92 AT 21:59:15 MOVED FROM "EMAIL" BY Hink Mynx ON 02/07/92 AT 22:01:11 MOVED FROM "SEX" BY SKURKEY ON 02/07/92 AT 22:31:20 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY HACK MAN ON 02/16/92 AT 13:56:02 MOVED FROM "STORY BOARD" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 02/18/92 AT 20:36:33 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY HACK MAN ON 02/21/92 AT 18:58:18 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 02/23/92 AT 02:30:06 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY HACK MAN ON 02/24/92 AT 00:23:06 MOVED FROM "STORY BOARD" BY Gravebuster ON 02/24/92 AT 04:39:43 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Number Two ON 02/24/92 AT 12:03:47 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 02/27/92 AT 12:36:00 MOVED FROM "HACKER'S ZONE" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 03/03/92 AT 00:32:15 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Number two ON 03/11/92 AT 17:06:27 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY HACK MAN ON 03/16/92 AT 21:43:05 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 03/17/92 AT 12:51:40 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Cleric Ilsaram ON 12/26/92 AT 01:52:08 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY HACK MAN ON 01/04/93 AT 22:45:45 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 06/07/93 AT 14:17:17 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Gravebuster ON 06/15/93 AT 23:56:43 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Number Two ON 06/22/93 AT 23:01:51 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Gravebuster ON 07/08/93 AT 22:02:04 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 08/06/93 AT 00:26:45 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Gravebuster ON 08/11/93 AT 17:33:36 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 08/13/93 AT 17:58:19 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Gravebuster ON 08/14/93 AT 07:48:21 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 09/08/93 AT 21:06:03 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 09/17/93 AT 14:10:21 Comments : WAY!=34 NO WAY!=14 HAHAHA=112 RASPBERRYS=100 BLOWS!=135 OBFUSCATED=2 HUH?=65002 DOINK=43 WHO CARES=11 BRAVO!=69 ZZZZZZZ=1 GROAN.=1 GIVE ME A BREAK!=1 OH MY GOD!=1 BOG ME=38529 PROMOTE ME=38528 Message # 264. Date: 08/30/93. Time: 15:58:06. Read 107 Times. From : Grazz't To : Stranger Subj : B L A H RECEIVED PERMIFIED print is dead MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 08/31/93 AT 01:25:26 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY The Music Man ON 09/06/93 AT 12:53:31 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 09/17/93 AT 14:11:49 Comments : BOG ME=100 Message # 265. Date: 06/24/91. Time: 13:06:38. Read 88 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : Those without weak hearts Subj : The more incredably spectacular, terminally stupendous ANSI display ever seen! .......... .... ... I suggest you sit down for this... / / / / / / / / / / / \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ / / / / / / / / / / Here it comes!* * * * * Get ready!!! Uh oh. Sorry.I forgot what I was going to do.Oh well... !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY HACK MAN ON 09/20/93 AT 10:09:13 Comments : HAHAHA=143 RASPBERRYS=1 BRAVO!=100 OH MY GOD!=1 Message # 266. Date: 02/23/91. Time: 00:38:53. Read 91 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : WARTIME MOBILIZATION PERMIFIED WELL IN LIGHT OF LATEST MATTERS I'VE DECIDED TO DECLARE MARTIAL LAW HERE AT HACK'S RETREAT, AND UNDER THE OBFUSCATE WAR POWERS ACT I'VE DECIDED TO MAKE NEW APPOINTMENTS IN AN EFFORT TO BOLSTER THE SAGGING MORALE. I HEREBY PROMOTE UNKA BUCK TO THE RANK OF OBFUSCATE AND ASSIGN HIM TO THE POST OF PROPOGANDA QUALITY CONTROL. I ALSO HEREBY PROMOTE GRAVEBUSTER TO OBFUSCATE AND ASSIGN TO HIM THE DUTIES OF CHAIRMAN OF THE FOOLISH PREDICTIONS DEPARTMENT. C- - - MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY HACK MAN ON 09/20/93 AT 10:22:04 Comments : HAHAHA=100 Message # 269. Date: 09/20/93. Time: 11:41:40. Read 79 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : BLAH PERMIFIED BLAH! C- - - MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 09/20/93 AT 11:42:01 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY HACK MAN ON 09/20/93 AT 11:45:16 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 09/20/93 AT 22:45:55 MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY The Music Man ON 09/20/93 AT 22:49:57 Message # 271. Date: 09/20/93. Time: 22:37:14. Read 71 Times. From : HACK MAN To : The Music Man Subj : DO me a favor, please? RECEIVED IF YOU FART AFTER YOU'RE DEAD LIKE IN THE MORGUE MAYBE AND THERE'S NO LIVE NOSES AROUND TO RECIEVE THE STENCH, DOES IT STILL SMELL? C- - - MOVED FROM "SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY" BY The Music Man ON 09/21/93 AT 17:03:21 Message # 272. Date: 11/27/91. Time: 21:26:02. Read 82 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : The Time Has Come To Talk Of Many Things PERMIFIED I stalked the orbital bathtub as it swirled through the blackness of the universe. I stealthily prowled its gleaming white porcelain until it briefly paused to add some more hot water, and then I attacked it with my rubber duckie. I squawked it again and again and again until its four legs ran in different directions and its drain plug searched for another whole. I dove inot the crystal blue water and rode the swirl down the vastness of the drain. And I was drained. Enervated. Tired. Not Michelin. And I fell asleep in a gigantic pillow of feathery softness, sweet softness, rolling and flowing softness that would rival Downey detergent any day. But not this day, because it was night. And it's nighty-night. And I fell deeply asleep, and dreamt I was at Ubik's house, watching Star Trek: The Next Generation on Jimi Hendrix's birthday with Mynk Lynx and Hack Man. I woke up from that nightmare, and danced with a lamppost into the swirling dervish of a timeless hour. +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 16:40:53 Message # 273. Date: 05/03/92. Time: 22:44:30. Read 77 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : And How Do You Spell Relief? PERMIFIED TUM-TUM-TUM-TUM! I couldn't resist as I goosestepped through the Tum-Tum trees, so I picked up a lonely vorpal blade, and with a swish and a slash and a perry and a feint I cut the air into thin air into which I disappeared... ...and then I reappeared (aren't you disappointed?) at a billabong under the shade of a coolibah tree. I don't gnow why they call them coolibah trees, because if you asked me, and I gnow you're not going to ask me so by telling you what I would say if you asked me is tantamount to forcing my viewpoint down your throat, but isn't that the point of posts anyways, I would say that those trees are eucalyptus. Anyways, a swagman, who looks awfully like a squatter, came around with a big pot and a dead billy, built a fire and began to boil the billy. It was during this very uninteresting episode that I notice some crazy songwriter hidden behind the bushes, writing down some lyrics, and disappearing into the tules. Now, I may disappear into thin air, but I don't disappear into tules, because, besides many other reasons, they're absolutely tules-like. So I just saundered over to the Tavern. Or what was left of the Tavern. The door was still there. Everything else was burned down. In the middle of it was a broken coke bottle that appeared to have contained one Molotov cocktail. I began to wonder how the riots in Los Angeles spilled over into HACK MAN's domain, when a weeping Falco came over to me and cried... "I told him no smoking allowed in the bar (sniff, sniff, sniff) and he just wouldn't listen (sniff, sniff, sniff) and now look!" he sputtered as he picked up part of the coke bottle, "he ruined my Molotov cocktail!" Falco then dropped the bottle, fell to the ground, bawled as loud as a banshee and pounded the ground with all four limbs. I simple slipped into a dimension with a substance that magnetically attracts recently oxidized materials, gathered all the ashes, slipped into a dimension where all the elves that rebelled at Santa's slavish workloads and lack of creativity go and allowed them to reassemble the Tavern (they love working with molecules), slipped into another dimension where a person can lift several 100,000 pounds yet can't lift a feather (I haven't figured how that one works, but I think it's a counterbalance dimension), lifted Falco from the base dimension, slipped him into the completed Tavern, then lifted the Tavern from the elves dimension and set it back into the base dimension. Considering the vastly different rates that time passes through these various dimensions, all that activity took just a couple of seconds in the base dimension! Falco stopped crying as he realized he was hitting a varnished, wooden floor. He looked up to see the recreated Tavern. He smiled, then puzzled. "Who fixed the piano?" The elves got carried away. Oh well. Still being in that weird dimension, I picked up a boulder, smashed the piano in the base dimension, tossed the boulder and let loose with a blood-curdling laugh. Falco quickly fixed himself an uncurdle-agulant concoction as I hurdled over a hitching post into a hazy haze. +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 16:41:23 Message # 274. Date: 01/16/93. Time: 07:25:02. Read 73 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : Does Anyone Have Anything Anywhere Anyhow PERMIFIED It was a curious sight to be in a dimension where I didn't respond to anything that anyone has said before, because there wasn't anyone there who had anything to say anytime before, and in fact there wasn't anyone there but no one who had nothing to say to nobody and in fact the fact is that factually facts are facts unless they're fiction. And the factual fiction inflicted the fractals until the head swimmed and the omnipotent misspelled... The swimming ship's toilet looked promising, but when I examined it further, I found that it did not promise at all. But the porcelain and steel stole a port and a lane which did not prepare the head at all for its encounter with unchained ellipses that did not dangle. Pumiced and perturbed, the privy poked around for promiscuous participles amidst the darkled "blah"s and a singular "hurrah" that gave way to a "pththtpthtpht" which appreciates chromatic posting... I deluded and deranged until I decided to deliver a delicate debutante derisively to a dealer who flinged me through a misty, forgotten past of weirdness into a realm of BBS users who milled about, carrying jars of viruses, spilling the contents on one computer and then another, attempting to sabotage and crash the BBS systems of the world, while other BBS users ingratiated themselves with gratuitous postings while ingratiously ingnoring the posters they admire. As a BBS crashed, a user who had more vowels than should rightfully coexist in a single word guillotined the sysop, and the virus vibrated vivaciously through the vital vines of victory. I pondered and plundered and wandered and wondered until I laundered and thundered into an open meadow with a "closed" sign... +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 16:41:52 Message # 275. Date: 02/07/93. Time: 11:41:57. Read 79 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : Closest To The Closed-Ness Of The Clothes Mess PERMIFIED The washing machine laundered and thundered and bounced me into the meadow with a "closed" sign, which it mistook for a "clothes" sign, but that's okay, since the medium was written and washing machines don't understand writing anyways. The washer jostled me and jiggled me and jumbled me and jangled me while I adjusted to the juxtaposition of inanity with insanity. I began to ponder the question of why indeed this meadow is "closed". As I ponder this significant universal question, a user with more vowels in his short name than should be allowed appeared on the scene, attempt to rectify the situation of the meadow being "closed." However, before he did his dutiful deed to reopen the meadow to more maniacal mischief, he was distracted by a patriot who wore his creed on his sleeve, and they began to argue over the merit of bovine consumption over porcine consumption. The debate was short, all was forgotten, so I remembered all and all was quite happy to have at least one user who remembered all. I hesitated. And all at once, an anonymous Englishman wearing a button with a penny- farthing attached to his turtleneck sweater tumbled into the unreal reality and soon become ensnared in amber bonds of delicious fragrance. He then began to misspell all of his words with radical effervescence and effervescent radicalism, until all the radicals effervescently radiated and effervesced into a chorus decrying the death and hailing the life of a Bob McAllister Wonderama character. I pondered if I should resurrect John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, and then realized that a pond was no place to have such thoughts. I expired, exploded, exported and explicated until I was sure that all things were beyond mentioning. So I drove to Mentioning and then ventured beyond its borders... +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 16:42:19 Message # 276. Date: 06/03/91. Time: 23:02:51. Read 81 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : AN ANNOUNCEMENT PERMIFIED HERE-YE HERE-YE, LET IT BE GNOW THAT A NEW OBFUSCATE HAS BEEN ADMITTED INTO OUR MIDST. BY UNANIMOUS CONSENT OF THE REGULAR OBFUSCATE CALLERS UBIK HAS BEEN NOMINATED FOR OBFUSCATE STAUS. AT A MEETING THIS SUNDAY THE SUBJECT WAS DISCUSSED. THE OFFICIAL VOTE IS AS FOLLOWS. UNKA BUCK "YES" LYNX "YES" GRAVE BUSTER "YES" HACK MAN "YES" TASSLEHOFF BURFOOT "OK" GAVISCON "VFJ" THOSE NOT VOTING PEGGY YELLOWBEARD RACER X THIS IS A CLEAR MAJORITY, SO I AM HAPPY TO WELCOME UBIK INTO THE FOLD. C- - - P.S. IT WAS ALSO DECIDED BY UNANIMOUS ACCLIMATION TO ADMIT UBIK IN AN OBFUSCATED WAY. THEREFORE HE HAS NOT BEEN NOTIFIED OF HIS NEW DECORATION. HE WAS SPONTANEOUSLY UPGRADED TO OBFUSCATE STATUS MONDAY MORNING AT 3AM, AND HE HAS ALREADY CALLED ONCE AND NOT NOTICED. P.P.S. HEHEHE. MOVED FROM "THE TEMPLE OF DILLUSION" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 16:54:51 Comments : OBFUSCATED=100 Message # 277. Date: 09/16/89. Time: 23:13:00. Read 84 Times. From : Lord Cirdan To : The New Obfuscates! Subj : Greetings! PERMIFIED Hail, and well met. I'd like to greet all the new obfuscates, and may you all find a probiscus underlying the corporation. But that's not the point. And neither is that. Being the most senior member of the obfuscates, and founder of the name, (hah, I bet the rest of you didn't even gnow that, did you? Yup, looked it up in a thesaurus all by myself) I think that Hack's and Music Man's choices are good ones. Therefore. Lynx, Peggy, Racer X, and Yellowbeard do hereby have the infamous non- distinction of putting the --==OBFUSCATE==-- symbol beneath their name, if they so choose to do so. Please gnote the way it's supposed to be done, though, I've seen a few that weren't quite right. Anyway, there you are. Yeah, right there. HACK Gnote: Give them full access to this board, kinda silly that they can only read. Especially since there will be nothing TO read if you don't give them write access. Also, I'd like to apologize to Lynx, for our ridiculousness. We were being entirely too amoeba-like. So, maybe you were wondering who else had this dubious distinction? Well, me too, let's see if I can remember: Lex Luthor: Founder of Dillusion (absent) Lord Cirdan: Founder of the Gnome's Castle (psuedo-absent) HACK MAN: First Hackbot Obfuscate The Music Man: First Insane Obfuscate Gaviscon Aviscenna: First Dead Time-travelling Obfuscate (absent) Frammis Man: Founder of the Partisans of Parenthesis (absent) Cleric Ilsaram: First Obfuscate awarded the : for nifty stories. (absent) Pizza Man: First Pizza-related Obfuscate Tasslehoff Burfoot: Least Gnown Obfuscate Lynx: Most Tortured by his Nomination Obfuscate Peggy: First female Obfuscate Racer X: First Obfuscate to have a one letter last name. YellowBeard: First Obfuscate that was Most Gnoted for his folicles. Did I miss anyone? If so, I'm entirely sorry, and you have every right to send me all your cash....all your cash...all your cash...all your cash... all your cash...all your cash... Ok, you can wake up now. You will remember nothing but the part about the cash. L8r... :::Lord Cirdan MOVED FROM "THE TEMPLE OF DILLUSION" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 17:01:01 Message # 278. Date: 09/21/92. Time: 04:06:40. Read 88 Times. From : Mynk Lynx To : Gravebuster Subj : The Obfuscate's Book Of Something To Read RECEIVED PERMIFIED I can see with my eyes closed! I can say something without speaking! I realize that there's nothing I must do, expect maybe suck. Even cold fires burn! I have understood without comprehending and I have comprehended without understanding. Where are we going? A circle has no end, no beginning, and PI is incapable of gnowing anything let alone something that does not exist, except maybe TMM. I make apples by smashing applesauce! OK, CLEAN THE EARTH BY PAVING IT! When it rains, the water gets Earthed. One thing I desire about dill pickles is there absence. Who can read when they see letters? Only those who see letters arranged in a fashion that is worthy of reading or those who can read when nothing is meant by the letters (as many try to do and fail). Mynk Lynx --==OBFUSCATE==-- Xnyl Knym p.s. DOINK! MOVED FROM "THE TEMPLE OF DILLUSION" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 17:04:12 Message # 279. Date: 05/29/93. Time: 03:21:40. Read 76 Times. From : Mynk Lynx To : STPLYWIN Subj : In the Out For a Walk to Mars PERMIFIED Some think of you as a figment of the all-knowing one of complete and utter cow tipping fun and games being programmed for you pleasure and money I never saw until today when I got the mail goes almost everywhere in the world we live in sometimes loses control key for a modified list of commands that the general gave to the pions made in america is really not very useful at all these days keep running together again and again I try to compile this code words are so fun to throw together into piles of leaves often get buries in the snow covered mountain tops of california free state you opinion now or forever and ever be lost in space the final fronteerland is kinda boringnow that is a silly question authority to rule on this subject to change without notice that the pretty ball flew out of the park your car near the tree houses can get really messy if you forget this I'm going. Mynk Lynx --==OBFUSCATE==-- Xnyl Knym p.s. Go to the store rooms that are clean your ears work ok as long as you don't introduce me to that lovely lady bugs are a pain to programmers. MOVED FROM "THE TEMPLE OF DILLUSION" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 17:04:32 Comments : OBFUSCATED=142 Message # 280. Date: 09/09/89. Time: 03:40:45. Read 101 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : NEW OBFUSCATES PERMIFIED I'D LIKE TO WELCOME LYNX, PEGGY, RACER X, AND YELLOWBEARD INTO THE RANKS OF THE NEW OBFUSCATES FORMALLY. THESE MEMBERS HAVE BEEN SUGGESTED AND APPROVED BY THE MUSIC MAN AND MYSELF. I FEEL THAT LORD CIRDAN AND TASSLEHOFF (THE OTHER TWO REMAINING REGULARLY CALLING OBFUSCATE-DILLUSIONIST) WOULD AGREE. ALSO, IF THERE ARE ANY FURTHER NOMINATIONS LET ME GNOW. A NEW USER LEVEL OF 15000 HAS BEEN CREATED FOR OBFUSCATE DILLUSIONISTS. ALL OF THE NEW OBFUSCATES HAVE NOW BEEN REGISTERED IN THE COMPUTER AND BEEN GIVEN A 10000 ACCESS. THAT MEANS THAT THEY HAVE ACCESS TO THE SECRET VT100 CODES, AND A FEW OTHER THINGS. I ALSO CHANGED THEIR ACCESS FROM XPERT BACK TO REGULAR SO THAT THEY WOULD NOTICE THE NEW MENU OPTIONS MORE READILY. YOU CAN CHANGE IT RIGHT BACK AGAIN IF YOU WANT. ALSO THEY HAVE BEEN GIVEN READ ONLY ACCESS TO THE TEMPLE OF DILLUSION. I AM WILLING TO CHANGE THIS TO READ/WRITE ACCESS DEPENDING ON WHAT THE OTHER OBFUSCATE-DILLUSIONISTS SAY. DOINK. C- - - MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 17:45:07 Comments : WOW!=1 #280. Message # 281. Date: 09/27/93. Time: 15:30:47. Read 65 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Phoenix Subj : B L A H RECEIVED PERMIFIED MONEY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HAPPYNESS. THIS YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LEARN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. THE IDEA THAT MATERIAL POSESSIONS WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST FALLACIES OF AMERICAN SOCIETY. IF ANYTHING MAKES PEOPLE HAPPY IT'S OTHER PEOPLE. IF YOU HAVE A STRONG LOVING FAMILY YOU WILL BE HAPPY EVEN IF YOU LIVE ON A STEADY DIET OF MACARONI AND CHEESE. AND IF YOU ARE AN UNHAPPY PERSON YOU WILL BE UNHAPPY WETHER YOU GO TO WORK BY BUS OR LEAR JET. EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS THAT MAKE THEM UNHAPPY. THOSE PROBLEMS WILL EXPAND IN YOUR MIND TO WHATEVER SIZE YOU ALLOW THEM TO. LIKE THE RICH MAN WHO'S READY TO KILL HIMSELF BECAUSE HE CAN'T GET A SEAT ON THE BOARD, TO THE MIDDLE INCOME MAN WHO'S READY TO KILL HIMSELF BECAUSE HE CAN'T GET A JOB WITH DECENT BENEFITS, TO THE POOR MAN WHO'S READY TO KILL HIMSELF BECAUSE HE CAN'T FIND A PLACE TO SLEEP. WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT NOBODY IN THIS COUNTRY DESERVES TO BE UNHAPPY IN THE SLIGHTEST DEGREE. WE COULD BE STARVING IN DOWNTOWN SOMALIA OR BOSNIA OR BANGLADESH RIGHT NOW, YET WE STILL ARE UNHAPPY. BASICALLY IT ONLY COMES DOWN TO THIS SIMPLE BUT TRUE FACT: Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be. (Abraham Lincoln) C- - - MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 09/27/93 AT 16:06:15 Comments : WAY!=100 BRAVO!=23 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 282. Date: 09/30/93. Time: 12:36:21. Read 68 Times. From : Phoenix To : Stranger Subj : Weird Adventure RECEIVED PERMIFIED But stranger, I'm done being a Victim! I'm out looking to make victims now! Phoenix! Screaming Electron MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY The Music Man ON 10/01/93 AT 20:28:53 Comments : HAHAHA=23 BLOWS!=100 Message # 283. Date: 10/06/93. Time: 15:03:32. Read 53 Times. From : IFNI To : Jehan Subj : My very first post, all by myself RECEIVED Involћving ћwhoћ? ћ(щ]nanitћes areћ supreme, eviєdently!) ћ ћћћIfni- MOVED FROM "The Demented Herbarium" BY IFNI ON 10/06/93 AT 15:04:06 Comments : WAY!=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 284. Date: 10/07/93. Time: 00:21:16. Read 63 Times. From : YellowBeard To : all Subj : Please, PERMIFIED Don't litter. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX" BY HACK MAN ON 10/07/93 AT 14:16:42 Message # 285. Date: 10/07/93. Time: 23:41:52. Read 68 Times. From : Ghost To : Adonis the Mouse Subj : Chat RECEIVED PERMIFIED A pigan is what a pithagorian gags on after he buys it in a polka. This is a little known religious observance held on the third Tuesday after the first freeze in the Southern southern hemisphere. Now to take part in the services you have only to show up with your own personal pigon. But formerly, a robin reb blest chose the proper polka picante pigante. This ritual is so obscure and exclusive you will only hear of it after death. And an invitation to participate is extended only after beatificatiion. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 10/08/93 AT 17:37:39 Comments : OBFUSCATED=25 Message # 286. Date: 10/06/93. Time: 22:50:08. Read 79 Times. From : Number Two To : Erisians Subj : Mukor Rules this Galaxy PERMIFIED HOW TO TELL IF YOU'VE LIVED BEFORE Ever since Shirley Maclaine told the world that she had discovered she was once raised by a Bull Elephant, raped as a nomad from Mongolia, and abducted by an Eagle and deposited with a primitive African family, the pursuit of past lives has become one of the New Age's most popular and pricey pastimes. The (t)ruth is, there's no need to spend half of your life (and disposable income) trying tofind out whether you've lived before. If you have, you have. Water under the Cosmic bridge Nonetheless, for you die-hards who simply must know before you go again (and any mildly curious skeptics), the following Pesonal Reincarnation Quiz (PRQ) has been designed to simplify the process. Answering "yes" to any of the following PRQ questions means you probably have lived before. Answering "yes" toall of them means you can be sure of it! Your Personal Reincarnation Quiz _________________________________ 1. When perusing a map, do you find yourself looking for the shortest route to India ?? 2. Whenever you see a fire, do you feel like playing a fiddle ?? 3. Do you secretly believe the Earth is flat ?? 4. Do you experience nostalgia when seeing Mayan, Aztec, Greek, or Roman ruins ?? 5. Have you ever had the urge to fly a kite in a thunderstorm ?? 6. Are you afraid to walk into a garage on St. Valentine's day ?? 7. Do you frquently remind yourself or someone else ?? 8. Do you frequently forget who you are ?? 9. Instead of watering your lawn, do you do a rain dance ?? 10. Do you remember the Alamo, vividly ?? 11. Do you remember the Venus De Milo....with arms ?? 12. Are there rust spots on your aura ?? (please send Answers to Renensco Blue) Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 10/08/93 AT 17:38:11 Comments : HAHAHA=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 287. Date: 10/07/93. Time: 00:21:16. Read 74 Times. From : YellowBeard To : all Subj : Please, PERMIFIED Don't litter. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX" BY HACK MAN ON 10/08/93 AT 18:08:48 Message # 288. Date: 10/07/93. Time: 22:22:35. Read 66 Times. From : Acdha Rmiss To : YellowBeard Subj : Please, PERMIFIED Yeah! Stop posting... MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX" BY HACK MAN ON 10/08/93 AT 18:08:58 Comments : ZZZZZZZ=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 289. Date: 10/10/93. Time: 15:37:13. Read 73 Times. From : Ghost To : Gravebuster Subj : DOINKNOBICITY RECEIVED PERMIFIED Doinknob City. Wordsmith, turn the doinknob and open the door to all possibilities found in the city at the end of time. MOVED FROM "STORY BOARD" BY HACK MAN ON 10/12/93 AT 18:22:19 Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 Message # 290. Date: 10/04/93. Time: 22:36:39. Read 85 Times. From : Number Two To : SKURKEY Subj : Warhol said it would happen.... RECEIVED PERMIFIED THE BATTLE HYMN OF THE ERISTOCRACY By Lord Omar Mine brain has meditated on the spinning of the Chao; It is hovering o'er the table where the Chiefs of Staff are now Gathered in discussion of the dropping of the bomb; Her Apple Corps is strong! Grand (and gory) Old Discordja; Grand (and gory) Old Discordja; Grand (and gory) Old Discordja; Her Apple Corps is srtong! She was not invited to the party that they held on Limbo Peak; So She threw a Golden Apple, 'sted of turn'd t'other cheek! O it cracked the holy Punchbowl and it made the nectar leak; Her Apple Corps is strong! Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY The Music Man ON 10/14/93 AT 03:23:52 Comments : HUH?=1 BRAVO!=23 PROMOTE ME=137 #290. Message # 291. Date: 10/19/93. Time: 09:21:50. Read 73 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Stranger Subj : Uhhh... RECEIVED THE ONLY THING WRONG IS THE WORD WRONG. C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 10/19/93 AT 14:55:17 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Number Two ON 10/19/93 AT 19:09:29 Comments : BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=34 Message # 293. Date: 10/14/93. Time: 02:14:51. Read 62 Times. From : The Music Man To : Ghost Subj : Definately... RECEIVED PERMIFIED I found a back dorr that is never locked, the way to access it is to find the 3,141,592,653,589th decimal place of pi (which is written on the wall of the pi room) and turn it, for it is also a door gnob. As you turn it, a trap door will open beneath your feet as you plummet down a chute and into the depths of the bog of eternal stench. You will find yourself on the deepest underground caverns of the bog of eternal stench (where the stench is manufactured), consisting of mazes and tunnels thick with methane, carbon monoxide, sulphur dioxide, propane, and nitrous oxide gases. For this reason, you may wish to refrain from breathing. Anyway, you head through the caverns in the direction of the signs that say "THE WEIRD BOARD IS NOT THIS WAY", until you come to a round manhole cover with the inscription "THIS IS NOT IT", and then you stand on it. After standing on it for about 5 minutes, jump up and down pi times, turn around in one full circle, and fart. The cover will lift you up to another level of the retreat, where the stench no longer hangs in the air. This would probably be a good time to continue breathing again. You will find yourself in a long corridoor, and you will walk down it in the direction where the wall isn't. There will be many doors, but you must be careful which one you enter into. If you pick the wrong one, you may be exorcized by gravebusters delf (which we keep locked up at all times, lest it rebuke the rest of ourdelves), or you may encounter an old dillusionist who went sane one day, and is being locked up for their own insanity, or else you may end up falling into the Bog proper (which supposedly has permanent effects), or you could get mauled and killed by herds of snyads, or you may encounter Hack Man's private bathroom (and die (yes again) from a fate worse than Bog water), or you might open the closet where we keep all of gaviscons old posts (and be ascphfickxiated by an avelanche of verbosity, or you may find the Blah Room (a sub that didn't go over very well) and die (yes, again) of boredom, or else you could wander into Elvis's rumpus room (where we keep him well fed) and learn why they REALLY called him "Elvis The Pelvis", and you could even accidentally stumble into the Penguin Patio where you would be consumed in a frenzy of feeding penguins, so I would suggest that you find the one that is marked correctly. It will say "THIS ISN'T IT EITHER", which should not be mixed up with the various other doors similarly marked, so you don't want the one that says "THIS ISN'T IT", nor the one that says "THIS IS NOT IT", nor the one reading "THIS IS NOT IT EITHER", nor "NOT THIS ONE", nor "NOT THIS ONE EITHER", and especially not the one that says "THIS IS IT". When you come to the right door, be sure to close it before you enter into it. This gives it a sense of purpose, and keeps it from fretting about its lack of use. If it refuses to open again, or gives you any other problems, just kick it. Don't mind it if it starts bleeding, it only does that to make people feel guilty. Once you have passed through the door (ethereally or physically), turn around and walk out the door again, and look directly across the corridoor, and you will see a door with a sign on it that says "DO NOT ENTER". Immediately kick this door (it has a bad attitude, and you have to show it who is boss) and open it up. Keep in mind that you must follow the directions printed on the door, so you do not want to enter through it, instead, turn around and walk backwards, this will give it the impression that you have exited instead of entered (its not a very smart door), and be sure to close it in front of you, otherwise it will close on its own when you turn around and smack you in the back on its way shut (it seems to enjoy this). When you have closed the door again, be sure to kick it once more (just for good measure). You will find yourself in a large room containing several large tigers (have no fear, they think they're kumquats), which you will need to converse with until you find the one that does not think it is a kumquat. This one thinks it is a fig. Look him in the eye and say "You're not a fig, you're a kumquat" and he will pass through an infinitely small crack in space, at which point you need to grab his tail (which he will say is his vine) and allow him to pull you through the crack, where you will arrive in the weird room securely fastened to a tigers tail. Let go of his tail, and he will immediately turn into a fig, which, for no good reason whatsoever, resembles a tiger. Ignore the fig and get weird, and for absolutely no apparent reason whatsoever, the fig will vanish in thin air, leaving nothing but thick air in its wake. But, then, you could always do something weird... MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY Ghost ON 10/20/93 AT 20:06:16 Comments : HAHAHA=43 OBFUSCATED=43 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 294. Date: 08/06/93. Time: 00:23:08. Read 97 Times. From : Zaphraud To : ALL Subj : In 20 Years... PERMIFIED HACK MAN Will be with a really short petite blond nymphomaniac with hair that goes down to her butt, named candy. He will live in camarillo, hosting many major parties. MOJO IV Will be settled down comfortably with another slug, happily TMM Will be teaching kids how to disguise a bong as a plant vase to hide it from their parents at RMHS. NUMBER 2 Will be the same kewl guy as always. STRANGER Will pioneer a penile regrowth process and stun the medical world. STRANGER's Will get rich selling their stories of STRANGER's amazing GIRLFRIENDS regrowth and new sexual prowress. more later MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY Gravebuster ON 10/21/93 AT 08:30:19 Comments : HAHAHA=23 BRAVO!=134 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 295. Date: 09/20/93. Time: 16:25:00. Read 75 Times. From : Ghost To : The Music Man Subj : hell RECEIVED PERMIFIED A lox is a disguised fish. To understand who it is, read "lox" backwards: "xol" pronounced as it would be in Spanish becomes "sol". There you have it, lox is soulfish. And those who can afford to purchase lox for their bagels never share and are very soulfish people. MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY Gravebuster ON 10/21/93 AT 14:24:37 Comments : HAHAHA=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 296. Date: 03/23/93. Time: 23:32:16. Read 72 Times. From : Arwen Undomiel To : Stranger Subj : Taking care of busy Ness. RECEIVED PERMIFIED Ah Stranger! You have hit on the ylem! I yisse your ability as a sesquipedalian. If HM were not a solipsist, I wonder if you would be so. But that directly correlates to the Big Toe's admitted theomania. I dare not grow superexcrescent, as you may become subderisorious with me, but I would be considered steatopygous and a yirner if I had allowed your post to go unanswered and you would think me a slubberdegullion. I do pose a query: Do you share Racer X's love of recidivism? Or is it nullibiety you crave? I have often been curious, but then I am rather rampallion, as I hope you would agree, as I dispise anything remotely quotidian. I wonder if it correlates with my parturate state? We should be cautious, or this may be considered palinoia, and since you have heretobeforehand set the paradigm, I will aquiesce Mojo IV<= SQuishy BOgSLug MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 11/19/93 AT 09:06:57 Comments : BLOWS!=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 309. Date: 10/05/93. Time: 08:46:12. Read 72 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Number Two Subj : The one that got away RECEIVED PERMIFIED ALL I GNOW IS THAT THE MORE I GNOW THE LESS I GNOW, SO I AM TRYING TO LEARN EVERYTHING SO THAT I CAN BECOME COMPLETELY IGNORANT. C- - - MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/20/93 AT 20:55:28 Comments : HAHAHA=100 OBFUSCATED=23 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 310. Date: 10/10/93. Time: 02:32:31. Read 74 Times. From : Stranger To : The Music Man Subj : wow... RECEIVED PERMIFIED I am a mere martyr, but I acknowledge the supremacy of the fig. What plant could be more obfuscated, than that which is able to hide itself from scrutiny. Ah, the noble fig; good for more than just fig newtons, figs are kumquats and kumquats are figs, interrelated, intercorrelated, interpolated, adumbrated, ensconced, et cetera et cetera and all of that bosh. It gives me the heeby jeebies, thinking of the injustice tha is perpetrated on figs. They, being (sometimes (don't forget the third law of everything equals everything else)) exiles from the tree, often need to hide out, for many plants are inherent enemies (and therefore friends, too) of obfuscation. A fallen kumquat is beset upon by Illuminated Wolves. gobble gobble gobble and all that . A fallen fig is just another vegetato-organule in distress, though, and liable to be resued by the gallant canines. Unless they're unlucky of course, and a cookie corporation hunts them (not only for pleasure, but for enjoyment) and puts the fertile ones inside a yeasty outer covering, saving the barren ones for slave work in the word mines of Lord Thesaurus and the Five Prophetic and Fantabulous Sentient Folding Lawn Chairs [brandishing solid gold lawn darts] in which case heretofor they try to turn back into a kumquat (after all, who wants a kumquat newton) . (Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Mummu rattles in his blanket. Turn up the goddamned heat, Mummu murmurs meditatively. I may be Primal Chaos, but my tushie gets cold, too.) In the end, and for you darkened ones, the beginning, of course, too (neatly snug in the space between two tines of the forked tongue [if you have been paying attention, you know that the tongue, not the pen, or the sword, is the mightiest weapon, and a forked one is doubly dastardly] of the Inner Unending World Serpent) , everything is everything else. Your Humble and Loving Servant, Lord Jesus Christ. Oops, I mean Stranger. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/21/93 AT 07:09:47 Comments : HAHAHA=100 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 #310. Message # 311. Date: 11/09/93. Time: 08:26:37. Read 85 Times. From : Grazz't To : all Subj : Product Warning Labels Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning labels by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important are. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics. We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitable informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Out suggested list of warnings appears below. WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them. CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charges particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour. CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving. ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but non-zero chance that, through a process known as "Tunneling," this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result. READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years. THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result. PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in.h)5 the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe. NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a "Gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed. ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999999% empty space. NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional. However, the consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are "Rolled Up" into such a small "Area" that they cannot be detected. PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undeterminable state. COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the user. IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY The Music Man ON 11/21/93 AT 10:51:06 Comments : HAHAHA=143 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 312. Date: 10/13/93. Time: 01:20:12. Read 74 Times. From : Number Two To : HACK MAN Subj : Mukor Rules this Galaxy RECEIVED PERMIFIED Yeah, my mother was the last martian. My father found her there when he travelled there in his balloon. They fell in love and I was the result. Mom was a little over 700 when pop (he was about 55) arrived on Mars. After I was born, we were a happy family for about 70 years before mom died. Me and pop stayed on MArs for about another 25 then we went back to Earth (around 1612 or so). Pop stayed around and did nothing much for about 273 years and then started doing some real interesting writing. Then when Halley's comet came, he hitched a ride and said that he would be back on one of the next few ones to get me. I've been waiting for him ever since. As for where I was in 1776, I was in what would today be called Fresno, trying to escape torment. Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/21/93 AT 14:49:04 Comments : HAHAHA=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 313. Date: 10/14/93. Time: 08:40:53. Read 73 Times. From : Ghost To : The Music Man Subj : BBSing RECEIVED PERMIFIED A bnoy is what bobs on the sea of Blah. Currantly, it is sailing west, carried by a blast of hot air generated by the collective farm of kumquats who are formenting a socialistic plot against Gravebuster. Warn him of another Commie plot! The bnoy is seeded with an attractant aroma. Once he is pulled to it, as it is futile to resist the beguiling pheromes of kumquats, the bnoy will sound his knell. Thereafter, grieving relatives will make pilgrimage to the bnoy marking the spot of Gravebuster's Wateryloo and awestruck nieces and nephews will be admonished, "...Bobs your uncle!" MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/21/93 AT 14:49:41 Comments : OBFUSCATED=65502 DOINK=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 314. Date: 10/20/91. Time: 20:39:22. Read 78 Times. From : THE MUSIC MAN To : Whomever Subj : A poem The Programmers Lament My computer has a monitor, It's monitor has a screen, My scull had two small eyeballs, with vision which was keen, but now my eyesight's fading, as are my brain and mind, so reading the words are difficult because I'm nearly blind, I used to be creative, or so I thought I was, but logic's got the best of me now so if it don't compute, it's scuz, I only speak binary now and never write, just type, if It's not on a computer screen I write it off as hype, I am no longer human, just a mere organic machine, before long I'll be obsolete, replaced by updated version 1.13, They'll disassemble me for surplus parts, or bury me underground, but 'til that time, I'll keep programming, unless my soul is found.... MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY Stranger ON 11/21/93 AT 16:35:07 Comments : WOW!=1 Message # 315. Date: 10/17/93. Time: 22:58:34. Read 67 Times. From : Jehan To : SKURKEY Subj : Hmmm... RECEIVED PERMIFIED How do you know you were only seeing four? It may well have BEEN eight. Or perhaps you were seeing two twice. The next question is once the peacocks finished migrating across your lawn, did La Migra follow? Did you notice which direction they went in? Do you think these were homosexual peacocks, as you saw no peahens, or at least mentioned none? Do you think they might have been searching for some secluded corner for some obscure peacock ritual I shouldn't know about? Perhaps they needed to inspect each other's hypothalami for genetic irregularities. In conclusion, it is urgent you contact the Department of the Treasury as they consider it an important part of their job to prevent hypothalamigrations such as these. For extra credit, write an essay comparing and contrasting this question-- "If a chicken is just an egg's way of making another egg, is a peacock's feather, featherweight? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/21/93 AT 17:42:05 Comments : HAHAHA=23 OBFUSCATED=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 316. Date: 10/24/93. Time: 13:48:38. Read 72 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : Jehan Subj : Might I have just a moment of your time? RECEIVED PERMIFIED Excuse me, Ma'am, but I couldn't help but notice that you seem to be bullitan boarding without a sign-off. As your local representative of Schwabecher & McHaverstein's Warehouse'O'Sign-offs, I'd like to take a few moments to help inform you on the many wonderous advantages that can be had with the purchase of a fine new sign-off. Sign-offs are important. They tell people who you are. The key word we're talking about here is presence. Presence and volume. Yes, the two key words we're talking about here are presence and volume. And Expression. Free and complete personal Expression. The three key words we're talking about here are Presence, Volume, and Expression... That's visable Presence, Volume of advertisement, and personal Expression. Yes, the three key phrases that we're talking about here are visible Presence, Volume of advertisement, and person- al Expression. With the purchase of a fine new sign-off, you can let us help you with the efficient and effective advancement of those important personal goals that can only be seen with the purchase of a fine new sign-off. A fine new sign-off from Schwabecher & McHaverstein's Warehouse'O'Sign-offs. Let's just take a look at some of the sign-offs available from our vast sel- ection of quality merchandice. You're a biker, am I right? Of course I am. I believe I can set you up with a fine, unique sign-off that is appropriate for the kind of life you lead. How about this beaut over here? It's fun, dif- ferent, and VERY avante-garde! " __o " \<, ()/() I can take it out of the quotes, if you like. It's a wonderful sign-off for your active lifestyle. It was first popularized by a user over the Internet and it can be yours for the low, low price of Pi and a half obfuscabucks! If it's not your style--I understand if you might want to be a bit more flamboy- ant--then you can choose from any of our fine selection of large ASCII let- tering styles. Some of our customers prefer having their name prominantly displayed. You look like someone who could appreciate the new 3-D tile look: \__\__\__ \__\__\__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__\__ \__ \__ \__\__ \__\__\__ \__\__\__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__\__ \__\__ \__\__\__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ Too large and obtrusive? Maybe a bit too difficult to read? Or maybe you're thinking of going really obscure? Have you considered the new BAR CODE sign- off? That's right, we reduce your handle into a series of 2-digit representa- tions, based on an ASCI minus 32 character set and translate those numbers into UPC standard bar codes: J=43, e=69, h=72, a=65, n=78, Jehan=4369726578 нн лоо онллооолн нлолонннлоноо ноло о но оло нн нн лоо онллооолн нлолонннлоноо ноло о но оло нн нн лоо онллооолн нлолонннлоноо ноло о но оло нн нн лоо онллооолн нлолонннлоноо ноло о но оло нн нн лоо онллооолн нлолонннлоноо ноло о но оло нн нн лоо онллооолн нлолонннлоноо ноло о но оло нн нн лоо онллооолн нлолонннлоноо ноло о но оло нн нн лоо онллооолн нлолонннлоноо ноло о но оло нн нн лоо онллооолн нлолонннлоноо ноло о но оло нн 0 нн ло 4 3 6 9 7 нн 2 6 5 7 8 оло нн 9 Of course, some folks don't like that kind of sign-off, especially when you can never be sure if another user can display IBM high ASCII properly. But, that's why we have such a wide selection here at Schwabecher & McHaverstein's Warehouse'O'Sign-offs. So, what can I put you down for? !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -Sign-offs! Get your sign-offs here! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/23/93 AT 07:33:58 Comments : HAHAHA=124 DOINK=42 BRAVO!=100 PROMOTE ME=4 Message # 317. Date: 05/17/91. Time: 19:42:00. Read 76 Times. From : Ubik To : DEADMAN Subj : HMM RECEIVED PERMIFIED Deadman, You are a new Discordian! Have you done your formal initiation baptism type thing yet? You have to go someplace, (bowling alleys are traditional but it can be any public place) and consume a HOT DOG on FRIDAY. thereby breaking the rules of several religions (includig discordianism) all at once. This is important stuff. Do it! Ubik Hail Eris All Hail Discordia! (chili is optional) MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY HACK MAN ON 11/23/93 AT 19:03:05 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 318. Date: 08/16/91. Time: 23:35:48. Read 117 Times. From : NUMBER TWO To : Ubik Subj : I see it, do you?! RECEIVED PERMIFIED He died!? This sorely affects the balance of power in the multiverse. Spot is a familiar, and therefore will keep his shape-changing powers, but he will be very disoriented by the death of his master. I hope one of the three great demons on this dimension didn't get him. If one of them did, they may be able to magically subvert him to their will. This would be very bad for the followers of good and Disney(interchangible words in my dictionary). The great demons( if you are interested ), are three powerful beings that came from a dimension that I lovingly call, Hel (with one L). They are: 1. Donald Trump - he was the master of currency. His power was beginning to become supreme, before he was attacked by the other two and humbled. He is still dangerous, but much less so. 2. George Bush - His is the power over Law. This is very ironic considering the fact that he is a son of Rae'elaxx, lord of discord. His power is considerable, but he is a puppet of someone I have had no chance to figure out yet. I am working on this one. Any insight would be appreciated. 3. Ted Turner - This Demon is the most dangerous of them all. His power is in the form of Information. He is in charge of Indoctrination of the people. He controls what we see and think. Even my thoughts( an Initiate of Disney) are affected by his evil magic. I fight my hardest and quiet- est fight against this Demon Lord. If you decide to join this fight, do notr do so loudly. He is powerful, and his visiblr enemies do not stay visible very long. P.S Jane is one of my contacts in his organization. shhhh!! More later? WAR 2 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Number Two ON 11/19/93 AT 20:36:50 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY HACK MAN ON 11/24/93 AT 01:48:04 Message # 319. Date: 10/17/93. Time: 23:35:06. Read 89 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Stranger Subj : Hiya... RECEIVED PERMIFIED DON'T REPLY TO THIS, IT HAS NO MEANING. C- - - MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/21/93 AT 17:43:01 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY HACK MAN ON 11/24/93 AT 01:48:55 Comments : RASPBERRYS=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 320. Date: 08/06/93. Time: 01:25:44. Read 68 Times. From : Stranger To : TMM Subj : Hey!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED It is so unfair....I finally say something good enough to get into the Hall of Fame, and then another user's quote of it (without documentation) gets in!! Ack Stranger MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/24/93 AT 04:39:49 #320. Message # 321. Date: 08/06/93. Time: 11:11:03. Read 70 Times. From : The Music Man To : Stranger Subj : Hey!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Only because it is bound to be moved outof the Hall sooneror later. THat's the purpose of putting stuph like that there, so people can keep moving it around and leave a long move list at the bottom of the message. There are a few of those floating around! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/24/93 AT 04:40:15 Message # 322. Date: 08/06/93. Time: 14:38:40. Read 71 Times. From : Stranger To : The Music Man Subj : Hey!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Yeah, but you should have used MINE ! Stranger MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/24/93 AT 04:41:12 Message # 323. Date: 08/06/93. Time: 15:54:34. Read 72 Times. From : The Music Man To : Stranger Subj : Hey!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Ok, then give me a reply worthy of promoting, something that will MAKE people want to move it around... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/24/93 AT 04:41:28 Message # 324. Date: 08/06/93. Time: 18:38:59. Read 79 Times. From : Stranger To : The Music Man Subj : Hey!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED I can't produce on the spot! Do you know how long it took me to think of: F U T I L I T Y I S R E S I S T A N T !! ?? argh! Stranger MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/24/93 AT 04:43:31 Comments : BOG ME=1 Message # 325. Date: 11/02/93. Time: 22:25:26. Read 68 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : Jehan Subj : Might I have just a moment of your time? RECEIVED PERMIFIED I see. You're a lady with more refined, dignified tastes. Here at Schwabecher and McHaverstein's Warehouse'O'Sign-offs, we make every effort to cater to the highly selective tastes of our customers. I can tell you're an elegant woman with special needs--needs that governed not by the bounds of a check- book, but by the bounds of acceptable style and grace. You're obviously a woman who understands that a unique, quality sign-off is worth eons more than the insignificant extra fee that we charge our more discriminating customers. Now, I don't ordinarily show this next model to my normal customers, who will usually settle for a cheap, tawdry sign-off. I like to reserve the priveledge for people like you who can tell the difference between genuine flair and mere glitz. Ah, yes, here it is: м ммппммпп мм ммп п он млон л м онл мппм лмппм мппм лмппм он лон онмп он он мпон он он пмлмп пмммп л лм пммплм л он ммммммммммммммммммммммммммммммммммммммп п Once again, I must warn you that this model carries the disadvantage with it that many users will not be able to appreciate its fine quality if they can't display those high IBM Ascii characters. Of course, many of our customers do not choose to associate with those types, anyway, and are instead more inter- ested with impressing high society types who can afford high ASCII. Still, it would be remiss of me to withhold this final product, one of our more demur brands. I can understand if you might have found that last one a bit too large and flagrant. Anyway, why watch me type about it, when a good long look can do so much more: !!! Jehan !!! -=@ @=- This one is one of my favorites. It's small, simple and elegant. The exclama- tion marks single you out immediately as a person of importance and creative energy. You can insert almost any personal title you may have into the second line and it becomes framed very nicely with a character combination that most people would not expect. You'll notice the clever juxtaposition of a hyphen- equals sign combo and the "At" sign create a visually dissonant look that not only calls attention to your personal title, but suggests something more than the Obfuscate signoff, which consists of only hyphens and equals signs. And yet it still doesn't detract attention away from the centerpiece of this sign off, your handle, boldly evident within its triple exclamations and inserted a single space in from the left border to subtly distinguish it from the rest of the post. Hm? Oh dear. My manager tells me that the last sign-off I showed you was sold to another user some time ago. I'm afraid we'll have to take it out of stock. But just between you and me, I may be able to enter into a little negotiation with the current owner--maybe show him some of our newest models--and arrange a bit of a trade. He's had that sign-off for seven or eight years now. Maybe he's thinking of a change, if you gnow what I mean. You'd just better hope he is not one of the more traditionalist BBS users. Ha ha! You gnow what a pain they can be! Still, our other models are available. I'll let you look them over and make a decision. If you need any help, my gnowledge is at your disposal. Thank you for your interest in our sign-offs here at Schwabecher and McHaverstein's Warehouse'O'Sign-offs! !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -And it only cost me an old, broken shoehorn (the kind with teeth). MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/25/93 AT 10:20:43 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 326. Date: 11/03/93. Time: 00:07:36. Read 68 Times. From : Number Two To : Gaviscon Aviscenna Subj : HELP!!!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Actually, I do believe what I was talking about (or meant if I was actually talking about something else) was the fact that I would rather be a candle; a friend, long and bold and (T)rue to a certain female friend of mine, than to be a flash bulb, bright, hot, but very short lived (as most of my friend's relationships end up being). Sure, the passion and the fire would be great, but the loss of a (T)rue friend is way to high of a price to pay for it. Of course, I could have been talking about almost anything, and I do believe that i have no proof, positive or negative (other than a poem I wrote awhile ago) that could incriminate me either way. Then again, I could be wrong on that point too and then I would know that almost everything I have been spewing lately must be wrong or misguided, or deluded, or dilluted. If there is a taint, I will have go and look for the damnthing, and if I find it, I will have to excise the damn thing like a cancerous growth. It's life, but dammit, it's my life and I think it can really stink. then again...... Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/25/93 AT 10:21:29 Comments : OBFUSCATED=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 327. Date: 11/04/93. Time: 02:33:36. Read 78 Times. From : Stranger To : Riders Subj : Nothingness PERMIFIED Nothing is something. If you can write about nothing, or say nothing, then obviously there is a subject that you are writing or talking about. Nothing is every bit as something as everything. Sometimes nothing is more something than everything, because you can never locate everything (there are always a few socks that you'll miss) but you can always locate nothing--it's right in front of you! Or rather, nothing is right in front of you. It is not always right in front of you--it likes to travel. Nothing, unlike it, does not travel. Nothing does nothing, like it's supposed to. If it would do as it is supposed to, maybe it would be as happy as nothing. Stranger MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/25/93 AT 10:26:09 Comments : WAY!=100 OBFUSCATED=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 328. Date: 11/25/93. Time: 10:17:13. Read 67 Times. From : Gravebuster To : Gravebuster Subj : NOTE RECEIVED PERMIFIED Hey! How'd you do that, HACK MAN? Hmmmm... an undead post? Wow! +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY The Music Man ON 11/27/93 AT 12:54:32 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 329. Date: 02/26/92. Time: 06:29:31. Read 76 Times. From : Number Two To : Ambrosia Subj : Something I thought you should read RECEIVED PERMIFIED "A rose by any other name......would just confuse people" -K. Boyle Confusion. What a simple word for such a complex and unexplainable feeling. Even the most avid of descriptions would be nothing more than dangling your over the Grand Canyon of the true feeling of it all. True Feeling. Another fun-loving decievable phrase. How is anyone to be sure that their feelings are true until they are tested? How is anyone to be sure of the depth of the water, just by appearance alone? You can't. Appearances can be and most usually are deceptive. To find the real depth of the water you must probe it, or just blindly walk in and find out for yourself. No one can do it for me. If I want depth, the one who has to search for the deepest water most certainly must be me. ME. Isn't it amazing how small of a word we use to desribe ourselves? Two letters, one syllable, and the whole thing chock full of meaning. Me is so small, yet contained within it's tiny parameters ar the building blocks of who we are. Me is meant to be singular, but just in the fact that it has 2 letters you can see that it is much more than "I". "I am but me, trapped in a shell" ME is a compromise. It bridges the gap between "I" and "YOU". ME is a pronoun, and singular, but it is never alone. Do you detect a pattern? I see a menagerie of interconnected threads. All of them more or less relative to what I am trying to say to you. Do you see a pattern (no question mark and no ending) Your Pal 2 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Stranger ON 11/29/93 AT 00:47:34 Comments : OBFUSCATED=100 DOINK=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 330. Date: 11/21/93. Time: 21:11:30. Read 70 Times. From : Number Two To : Gravebuster Subj : Mukor Rules this Galaxy RECEIVED PERMIFIED Actually torment was already there, and that's why I was trying to escape. In 1776, there were a tribe of Native Americans (actually they were native Asians, and most likely originated in the Mesopotamia, but I'll leave that one alone) that called themselves, the Torani (Tor-N-Eye). I stumbled upon them in my wanderings, and stayed for awhile because they were all strikingly odd compared to the other Native Americans I had encountered. None of the families were whole. There was at least one vital family member missing from each family unti. Everyone seemed in a daze, amnd walked about all day moaning about the heat or just mumbling social inanities. I was about to leave when I realized that my mother was dead, and that my father was missing. All of this hit me hard; harder than usual considering I had several hundred years to deal with the death of my mother and multiple decades to get used to not being around dad (he had disappeared about 1723, but I found him in Copanhagen around 1800). I slumped. I moaned. I sat and cried in despair. I did this for about 3 months before I realized I was being controlled somehow. It took the arrival of another stranger, a spanish monk named Frederico Diego, to clue me in as to what was happening. He arrived in the summer of 1776, and spent the first few weeks trying to convert the locals, and myself. We struck up a fast friendship, and as the days went on, I noticed him getting more and more tired and sad. He even began to doubt his faith. This was very unlike the man I had meet not more than 5 weeks before. It dawned on me that we (me, Frederico, and the Native Americans) were all being manipulated somehow into feeling tormented by things that had happened in our life. It even seemed the Natives were so conditioned to the torment that they subconsciously caused things to happen for them to be tormented over (ie the death of family members). It was only by luck, and the skillful manipulation of a hand made tandem bicyle that Frederico and I were able to escape southwest to a place where the air was clean and the temperature varied little from season to season. There were a few other Native Americans here, but they were the normal territorial violent type, and therefore much easier to deal with. I stayed in the area for another 7 years, and left only when Frederico went a few miles north to join up with some of his fellow monks who were to build one of their religion's "Missions". I couldn't work, nor be around that shameful group (Fred was alright), so I left and made my way to the East coast and then eventually Europe once again. Be Seeing You ?? (Torment still lives in Fresno. I went back to make sure) MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/29/93 AT 11:37:05 Comments : OBFUSCATED=42 BRAVO!=100 PROMOTE ME=1 #330. Message # 331. Date: 04/08/89. Time: 21:40:38. Read 146 Times. From : Lynx To : Subj : A joke RECEIVED WHat do you do with an elephant(sp?) with three balls? Pitch him the fourth ball, and let him take his base. Lynx MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 11/29/93 AT 23:42:59 Comments : GROAN.=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 333. Date: 11/13/89. Time: 23:05:41. Read 110 Times. From : THE MUSIC MAN To : Whomever Subj : Doink It is my opinion that "Doink" is an over-rated expression. It is also over used and over quoted, and too few people have a handle on its true meaning, so as a result, I am forced to combat this criminal extreme by creating a new sect, the ANTI-DOINKS! Those who are as sick of Doink as I am may join, and help to aid in the persecution of any and all doinks that make their way onto this board! Down with doinks!!! The Music Man *ANTI-DOINK!* MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 11/29/93 AT 23:47:47 Comments : OBFUSCATED=100 DOINK=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 334. Date: 11/16/89. Time: 23:06:42. Read 123 Times. From : Unka Buck To : THE MUSIC MAN Subj : Doink RECEIVED Absolutely! Down with doinks! All these naive people with no gnowlege of the background or true meaning of the doink. Doinks can be very dangerous if misused.Most people have no idea the danger they are flirting with by using doinks in such an uncontrolled and careless manner. Sometimes I wonder if The Legendary Dan Amster really gnew what he was doing when he released the power of doink on an unsuspecting world. -Unka Buck- -Concerned about the future of mankind- MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 11/29/93 AT 23:47:57 Comments : HAHAHA=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 335. Date: 11/18/89. Time: 11:27:28. Read 101 Times. From : THE MUSIC MAN To : Adonijah Subj : Doink RECEIVED Of course! That is the obfuscationary purpose in it! Besides, I get sick of just seeing: Doink! All by itself all the time. It's getting boring, and looks a little bit lonely. I figured that doink needed some type of anti-thesis to go along with it, like "anti-" ! (I gnow, it's a little bit simplistic and generic, but it gets the point across! Accurate, yet, elegant!) The Music Man *ANTI-DOINK!* MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 11/29/93 AT 23:48:35 Comments : DOINK=1 ZZZZZZZ=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 336. Date: 11/19/89. Time: 11:01:52. Read 123 Times. From : Gizmo To : - Subj : acutual letters to the IRS RECEIVED These are actual letters to the IRS. can you believe it?!?!?!?!??! not me AUTHOR NOTE: The spelling and grammer in these letters belong to the senders and not to Internal Revenue or the editor [or sysop of this board]. Dear Internal Revenue: I've always paid my income tax in the past because I was afraid of going to jail if I didn't. Now I read in the papers and hear on the TV and radio that this is a matter of self-assessment. If it's voluntary, I don't want any part of it, so you can have your forms back. Yours truly, Hello Director: Uncle Ralph says hes sorry he forgot to have me sign and so am I. As my wife is not much on working, I don't file with her. She grows a good garden, cooks and keeps the house real good but aside from that she aint much help. Dear Sir: I received the notice from your "idiot box, commonly called computer" indicating that I owe you $5.00 plus $.11 interest, on my 1963 tax return. I know it is common practice for your service to charge the taxpayers for information rendered to them about their returns. I am enclosing herewith a bill for my services, and telling you that your computer forgot to apply the $5.00 filed with my estimated tax return. Please refer to line 19-b. Isasmuch as my time is extreamly valuable, it seems to me that the charge I have made for my services in straightening out your computer is most reasonable. Your prompt remittance would be appreciated so that I will not have to start charging interest on the aount you owe me. Sincerely yours, Sir: You had better check your records of your data processing system again and if you don't come up with the right answer you better have the robot overhauled. The records of my processing system, which is by the way myself, shows that I wrote and mailed a check, together with depository receipts, in the amount of $60.57 on April 15. Your dept. endorced it on May 5. Where it was all that time, I'll be damned. But I have the cancelled check to prove it. Get it straightened out once and for all. You people have made more errors with our account in the past few months than is necessary. If, we did this to a customer we'd lose their business. Sincerely, Sirs: Borrowed cow, cow fell in ditch and broker her neck. No cow, no milk, no money. Is there a deduction there? My dear Sir, I do not recall the last date on which I last drove the truck in question. Nor do I recall the date on which it was sold. I never did know who bought it. Nor did I even care, even a little bit. I don't consider keeping up with your taxable goods as my job. Yours somewhat, P.S. I didn't know trucks had dispositions. If this one did it was a mean disposition. Gentlemen: We would like to obtain a copy of your study "Where millionaires-and others-get their money" which is refered to in the July 29, 1963 issue of U.S. News and Word Report, page 8. If this material is avaiable without cost, we should like very much to have it for addition to our permanent reference library. Please use this address in replying: Librarian, State Prision Sincerely yours, To Whom it May Concern: This is to certify that my sister has cotributed more than $600 to my support for my past year. This includes groceries, medicine, clothes, doctor bills, hospital and funeral expense. Yours truly, Gentlemen: Mine not to reason why Mine just to sit and cry I filed my form and paid my bill Now nothing's left to put in my will Your tax is just and I repeat There's nothing like nothing to be kept neat I refer of course to my bank account Which withholding reduction caused to mount But then came the April fateful day And all my savings (?) were swept away. Still I shall strive to stay alive Amass if I can in Sixty Five Sufficient reserve to proudly save I'm ready "Uncle" here is your pay Dear Director: Take a minute and pull my file, For your trouble my family will smile, A look inside reveal My refund for which I appeal, Your work load presently must be great For my bothering you-you may berate But my little exemption, bless his tummy Has ate up all our surplus money Your prompt action we do entreat A treasure check will be al-reet. That you are kind is very plain For being so nice we do remain. Gratefully yours, Dear Sir: Is income taxes deductible if you are in business? Thank you. Please send my refund at once. I have fallen in error with my landlady. Sincerely, After many months of peaceful coexistance I suppose we are both ready to resume our battle Internal Revenue: I am an undertaker. Business is slow, I wish you would drop dead. Baby-I don't get the message! Are you for me or against me? Dear Sir: My wife went to pay my income tax last Friday and I haven't seen her since, so will you please let me know if it has been paid. If not, will you please send me another form to fill out. Respectfully, Sir: Several weeks ago I wrote you about my salary due me. To date I have never heard from you nor received the salary. Your department of suspense is holding up our anticipation. Sincerely, A man stood at the pearly gate, His face was worn and old. He merely asked of the man of fate Admission to the fold. "What have you done," St. Peter asked, "To seek admission here?" "Why, I tried to file '64's return On the new tax for this year." The gate swung open sharply As St. Peter rang a bell "Come In," he said, "and take a harp. You've had enough hell." Dear Commissioner: I am 14 years old and I would like to know-How much of the tax money goes to God? Yours, Dear Revenue, Will you please send me a deceased form please. Thank You! Yours truely, well, thats them. hope none of you users aborted this post.(unless you have 300 baud) OH SH1T... i just realized something. Ibet i have t wait for 1000 's of messages to be deleated be the shadow. im gonna reget this post. Bye! Gizmo MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 11/29/93 AT 23:50:39 Comments : HAHAHA=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 337. Date: 11/21/89. Time: 01:55:44. Read 107 Times. From : HACK MAN To : THE MUSIC MAN Subj : Doink RECEIVED DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 11/29/93 AT 23:50:58 Comments : DOINK=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 338. Date: 01/29/91. Time: 00:10:14. Read 94 Times. From : SpiritMaster To : ANYBODY Subj : Joke MMPH mmmppphhh mmmummmff mmmarrrmmmpppphhh. murmph mamph ampf umf. mm mamphumumapf! (oh, by the way... it's an INSIDE joke!) \\\Spirit, HEY, who threw the tomatoe?, Master/// . MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 11/29/93 AT 23:54:34 Comments : WAY!=1 ZZZZZZZ=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 339. Date: 11/30/93. Time: 14:13:42. Read 85 Times. From : Mojo IV To : All Subj : All PERMIFIED Doink! =>Mojo IV<= SQuishy BOgSLug MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 12/01/93 AT 08:34:07 Comments : DOINK=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 340. Date: 12/03/93. Time: 09:10:17. Read 65 Times. From : Mojo IV To : Gravebuster Subj : TIME PERMIFIED GET BACK, HUMAN!!!! I've been trained by renegade borgs on the quickest way to kill a human!!! <> So, don't you even think about it your FFIIIIIEEEEEEEEENNNNNND! (BTW: I'm a banana slug) =>Mojo IV<= SQuishy BOgSLug MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 12/03/93 AT 13:10:00 Comments : HAHAHA=1 #340. Message # 341. Date: 12/02/93. Time: 19:37:40. Read 81 Times. From : Mojo IV To : All Subj : To SQuish, or not to SQuish PERMIFIED The Ramifications of SQuishiness and its relationship to Obfuscation By Mojo IV, BOgSLug I have been for the last year or so a proponent of the BOg movement and the proprieter of several BOg MUshroom farm communes. I cannot say I am fully objective, but I believe I can best put to rest the question everyone has on their mind: Is SQuishiness a threat to Obfuscation? Well, No. But, that's obvious, so it couldn't be that one. What's your REAL question? What is the relationship between Obfuscation and Squishiness? Ok, well, to explain this, I must start at the beginning. According to the BOg BIble: (Obfuscates 1:1) In the Begining, there was a BOg. (Obs 1:2) And then there was Hack Man, and his big toe. (Obs 1:3) His big toe was omnipotent, you see, and awfully potent, for the Hack Man had yet to wash it. (Obs 1:4) And so said the other Obfuscates, who were there, also(did I forget to mention that?) said unto him "Ugh, that smells. I don't care if it is god, get some flaming soap!!!" (Obs 1:5) And so Hack Man did set fire to some Ivory and begin to clean his toe. (Obs 1:6) But the Bar became very stenchlike, and rather rancid, and the Obfuscates(of which there were 3) said: (Obs 1:7) "BOg IT! BOg IT! BOg IT! Say we." (for they had just seen the Princess Bride for the 5th time). (Obs 1:8) So he did cast it into the BOg, the original BOg, the first portal of BOgliness, and it became the BOg of ETernal STench. But it was forever UNsquishy. But nobody noticed because the pizza had gotten there already. (Obs 1:7) HOWEVER, Hack Man did notice, and he said "Gee. SQuishiness. How Neat." And ye, he did try to suck out the pollutants, but verily didst it not work. (Obs 1:8) And let it be known from this day forward, that Hack Man sucks! ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ Now, this clearly states that the most Obfuscated of them all had prior knowledge of SQuishiness, but ignored it in favor of Pizza. Some may ask, then , and again: Is Pizza closer to Obfuscation than SQuishiness. So I checked this out. Actually, Pizza is SQuishy. Now, lets compare to posts: One Obfuscated, One SQuishy. 1. Obfuscated: I'd like a container of psycho-active chemicals. 2. SQuishy: Please may I have a blonde container of LSD, and two straws? Now, the first one is straightforward: A comment that Stranger, the only SQuishy OBfuscate, said once which admiring a fishtank. The second was a comment I made up because I was bored and have no life. Now, the topic is the same, but what does it SAY??? Is SQuishiness more obvious or more oblivious? Is Obfuscation more of a pastry as opposed to a soft drink? ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ Now, for the first time, I print the 3.1457358784336589543466 laws of SQuishiness: 1. Anything Mikester says is SQuishy. 2. You'll sink if you swim in Plate Mail. 3. Never never never never never never call Mojo a snail. 4. Whever you go, there. Now, the abridged rules of Obfuscation: 1. Hack Man sucks. 2. Ender will never be an obfuscate. 3. When in doubt, blame Hack Man. So?? I looked for the answer. I found that SQuishiness and Obfuscation can overlap if given the right seasoning and simmered for an hour or so. To Boot, if roasted, leather has a jerky-like consistency. But that still didn't answer my question. ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ So I travelled to Tibet: ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ After spending 6 years in a jail in Beijing for speaking against the government, I travelled to Camarillo, Ca, where 2 BOg have been sighted in the past, and unfortunately ran my car off a cliff near Pt. Mugu and was dragged out to sea. After washing up on a deserted Island I pondered for what seemed like an eternity the futility of my plight. Then I realized the golden rule of SQuishy OBfuscation: Futility is Resistant. So, I tried to feed myself to a monitor lizard, and it turned me down, siteing high blood pressure or something. So, I hurled myself into a nest of giant squid and waited for the end. ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ I met a man in Brussels, He was six foot four, And fulla muscles. I said "Do you speaka my language?" He just smiled and gave me a slug sandwich! That shock brought me out of my delirium, and I swam to the surface to find the Marriot Corporation had built a resort on the island I'd been shipwrecked on so many moons ago. So, what could I do? The copy of X-Men I'd carried with me was worth $60,000 already, so I sold it and bought the resort. Unfortunately, after a bizarre geothermal upheavel, the enter island ended up in the middle of Wyoming, on the property of some poor old prospector named Billy Bob Booky, who instantly became a millionaire playboy dealing in pork bellies and orange juice. I was distraught. ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ After being institutionalized at the Camarillo State hospital for trying to swallow Bette Midler, I met up with the Mikester, who played Santa Claus and gave out free violence-desensitizing comic books, autographed by Rob Liefeld himself. I took a copy of X-Warblood 2099 with the special edition Uranium-glow-in-the-dark Razor blade lined cover and fought my way to freedom, holding a cocker spaniel hostage. ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ But back to SQuishiness. Is SQuishiness next to Obfuscation? No. They start with different letters. MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY HACK MAN ON 12/03/93 AT 13:19:16 Comments : HAHAHA=1 OBFUSCATED=101 PROMOTE ME=5 Message # 342. Date: 03/22/93. Time: 05:58:43. Read 70 Times. From : Gravebuster To : YellowBeard Subj : International Forgiveness Week RECEIVED PERMIFIED >"Thou shalt not have any other bannanas before Me." Bannanicus 10:13 I wonder who gave out the Yellowite titles? Anyway, there are other things we should also remember... "In the beginning, God created the yellow banana... and God saw the yellow banana, that it was good... " Bananasis 1:1, 3 "And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, "DOINK! Of every tree of the yellow banana you may freely eat; but of the tree of the knowledge of the green banana you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely blow." Bananasis 2:16, 17 "Now the scumbag...said to the woman, "Has God indeed said, 'You shall not eat of every tree of the garden'?" And the woman said to the scumbag, 'We may eat the fruit of the trees of the yellow banana; but of the fruit of the green banana, God has said, 'You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you blow.' And the scumbag said...'You will not surely blow. For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing ACK! and DOINK!'" Bananasis 3:1-5 "Then the LORD God called to Adam and said to him, 'DOINK! Where are you?' So he said, 'ACK!' And He said, 'DOINK! Who told you about 'ACK!'? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?'" Bananasis 3:9-11 "So the LORD God said to the scumbag: 'DOINK! Because you have done this, you will blow more than any other thing in the universe; on your belly you shall go, and you shall eat green bananas all the days of your life. And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her Seed; He shall bruise your green bananas, and you shall bruise His yellow bananas." Bananasis 3:14, 15 +++Gravebuster --==DOINK!==-- MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 12/13/93 AT 08:43:01 Message # 343. Date: 04/24/93. Time: 11:05:02. Read 97 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : To Promote Better Argumentation PERMIFIED It has come to my attention that all of us need a proper understanding of certain terms to make our endless arguments easier. These certain terms all have to do with the various ways that we arrive at our conclusions, and thus indicate from what perspectives we argue. We should all pay close attention to the following terms and use them consistent with their defintions: "I KNOW"-- A sentence prefaced by this term indicates at one time you have acquired empirical, observable facts, but in the intervening time you have obviously distorted and confused the facts with other mental meanderings of your memory, and have yet to discover how out of touch you have become with reality. "I THINK"-- A sentence prefaced by this term indicates that you have reached a conclusion through a logical, rational process which was obviously beyond your mental capacity, but, being as arrogant as you obviously are, you could not bring yourself to ask someone more capable of clear thinking to provide a more correct answer than your mental limitations would allow. "I HEARD" or "I READ"-- A sentence prefaced by either of these terms indicates that you are passing along information that you acquired through the media or conversation, information that is at best filtered, if not incomplete, botched, biased, or just outright wrong, and you can't see that we laugh at how you swallowed such guff and expect us to join you in your mental suicide. "I BELIEVE"-- A sentence prefaced by this term indicates a firm persuasion, either religious or philosophical, based on analysis of evidence that may not have anything to do with the conclusion you made or have any basis in reality, but since you have decided to blind yourself with this perspective, you obviously are not interested in being bothered by facts. "I FEEL" or "IT SEEMS TO ME"-- A sentence prefaced by either of these terms indicates an emotional or intuitive conclusion that may have more to do with how food passes through your bowels, or how you associate some long ago irrelevant event with the present argument, or how preoccupied you are with some potential hot date for tonight, than it does with anything that the other person actually posted, and that you would have been better off not saying anything at all than to say what you said and prove how stupid you are. "I HAVE A GUT FEELING"-- A sentence prefaced by this term indicates that you are deluded beyond all hope, and probably connotes some irrational belief that you receive messages from cosmic forces or beings, and makes it obvious that it would be in our best interest to take you out back and shoot you to put you out of your misery. "I DON'T KNOW"-- This term discloses a complete openness about the immense stupidity of oneself and human beings in general, and thus such confession is forbidden in any conversation on this board for fear that you would shake the rest of us from our favorite misperceptions. Thus, any use of this term will lead to a complete loss of access to this and all other electronic bulletin boards, and you shall be forever blacklisted as a pariah and consigned to imaginary annihilation. Please adopt these terms and definitions for all your arguments in future posts. If there are any questions, they can wait. +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 12/13/93 AT 08:43:42 Comments : HAHAHA=24 DOINK=1 Message # 344. Date: 10/23/93. Time: 15:17:46. Read 77 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : Ultimate Pizza PERMIFIED For this game, you need a dining room cleared of all objects and furniture with the walls and floors scrubbed and rinsed clean enough to eat off. Personal sized pizzas generally work better; however, the larger the pizza, the more people can participate in the game, although stadium pizzas are a bit too unwieldy. All participants must wear sanitary shoes and clothing, and must bring their own spatulas. Spatulas are particularly important. I suggest each player invest in an industrial strength plastic spatula, with a square-foot wide flat surface. These can be ordered at any decent department store. This game is played similarly to Ultimate Frisbee with a few exceptions. For those not familiar with the game, you've definitely need a life. Please contact your local life store and see what they have available. This game is fast-paced and pits two teams against each other using spatula tossing skills. Each team tries to gain possession of the pizza and toss it to a player standing against their goal wall. Points are scored for every goal made. The referee (yes, there's a referee, because every game needs a lightning rod) tosses a slice of pepperoni to see which team gets possession first and which team gets to choose sides. Each team's goal walls are on opposite ends of the room. Each team starts off with one hand and one foot against the wall opposite their goal wall. When the lightning rod, uh, referee blows his whistle, the team with possession of the pizza moves the pizza forward by tossing it from spatula to spatula. The pizza can only be moved by spatula. No player is allowed to run with the pizza, or to move the pizza by any other method. A goal is scored by a playing who leans against a goal wall and has spatulified the pizza. The team with the most points after thirty minutes wins. The rules and definitions listed below apply to the game. 1. "Spatulify" means to receive a pizza on your spatula. 2. The referee determines possession of the pizza by which team last spatulified the pizza. 3. Possession of the pizza changes when: a. One team fails to spatulify the pizza. This is called an "incomplete." This occurs whenever the pizza touches the floor. b. The pizza goes out of bounds. This occurs whenever the pizza touches any of the walls, including the goal walls. 4. After an incomplete or out of bounds, the referee will bring the pizza back into play in the center of the room. 5. The pizza can be blocked and intercepted only as a player tries to spatulify it. Once a player spatulifies the pizza, the other team may not take away the pizza by touching, shoving, punching, kicking, bombing or otherwise physically assaulting the player with the pizza, or by trying to spatulify the pizza away from the player with the pizza. 6. If two players spatulify the pizza at the same time, the lightning rod, uh, referee calls time and examines the spatulas underneath the pizza. If the spatulas overlap, the referee applies the laws of superposition and gives possession to the team with the spatula on top. If the spatulas do not overlap, the referee gives possession to the team who last spatulifed the pizza. 7. The pizza must be moved by spatulification. No handling, or footsying, or carrying on the back, or mouthing, or draping over the head or transporting the pizza by any means other than the spatulas. 8. A team may attempt to score a goal by having one player eat the entire pizza. This will include any toppings that will, in all probability, be on the floor and walls. The one player, and only the one player, must eat the entire pizza with its toppings or be expelled from the game to the nearest sushi bar. 9. The lightning rod, uh, referee may change the possession of the pizza because of bad sportsmanship. +++Gravebuster --==OBFUSCATE==-- MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY HACK MAN ON 12/13/93 AT 08:45:38 Comments : HAHAHA=1 OBFUSCATED=42 PROMOTE ME=4 Message # 345. Date: 01/31/91. Time: 21:42:09. Read 108 Times. From : Gizmo To : all Subj : top tens TOP 10 COOL THINGS ABOUT THE DRUIDS 10. They used Stonehenge for their ceremonies 9. They regarded oak and mistletoe as sacred 8. They wore scary-looking hooded robes 7. They said "please" and "thank you" before and after human sacrifice 6. They studied the flights of birds to predict the future without the aid of a daily syndicated horoscope column 5. They kept hot drinks hot, cool drinks cool 4. They made fun of Roman soldiers wearing skirts 3. They sometimes worshipped a gaint statue of Ray Charles 2. They claimed to be "born to lose" 1. They died out in the early fifth century/they partied like it was 1999(tie) TOP TEN COURSES FOR ATHELETES AT SMU 10. Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Pal 9. The First 30 Pages of A Tale of Two Cities: Foundation of a Classic 8. Sandwhich-making (final project required) 7. Alumni-owned Hotels, Restaurants and Car Dealerships: The Interlocking Economy 6. Pre-Law Seminar: Age of Consent in the 50 States 5. The Denny's Menu: Recent Discoveries 4. The Bunny and the Wolf: Hand Shadow Workshop 3. Draw Winky 2. From First Love to Looker: The Films in Which Susan Dey Appears Naked 1. The Poetry of Hank Stram LIBYA'S TOP TEN DEROGATORY TERMS FOR AMERICANS 10. Imperialist Pigs 9. Yankee Jackals 8. Milkshake-Swilling Devils 7. Bowling-Addicted Hyenas 6. Fess Parkers 5. Steak-Gorged Gunslingers 4. Red-White-and-Goofies 3. Hedge-Trimming Elvis-Lovers 2. Beardless Buick Jockeys 1. Golfshoe Geeks TOP TEN DISADVANTAGES OF WINNING A NOBEL PRIZE: 10. Have to get kissed by herring-breathed King Olaf 9. Automatically disqualifies you from being contestant on "Jeopardy" 8. Dangling medallion could get caught in open blender 7. More junk mail from fly-by-night award-polishing services 6. Distant relatives pestering you for free advice on particle physics 5. Have to get in embarrassing kickline at end of ceremony with other winners 4. Friends always borrowing medal for 10% discount at participating Red Lobsters 3. Run-ins with gangs of Pulitzer Prize winners usually ends up in a brawl 2. Sarcasm of postman when he says, "here's your new copy of Big Jugs magazine, Mr. Nobel Laureate." 1. Don't see a dime from Mattel Nobel Prize Action figures TOP TEN DUTIES OF DAVID LETTERMAN'S ASSISTANT, LAURIE DIAMOND: 10. Call Mom on major holidays and play tape of me wishing her the best 9. Reserve steam room for my weekly current events discussion with Mike Tyson 8. Apologize to guests from night before 7. Keep me updated on what's happening in "Marmaduke" comic strip 6. Research retail price of gifts given to me by staffers 5. Scan lost & found columns for any sign of the monkey-fur jumpsuit 4. Steam uncanceled stamps off fan mail 3. Some minor surgery 2. Monitor Italian sex magazines for any mention of me 1. Help me get my money back from those liars over at Tastee-Freeze BATMAN'S TOP 10 PET PEEVES: 10. After dramatic entrance at scene of crime, having to convince everybody he's not a professional wrestler. 9. When you can see the outline of his underwear through the Bat suit. 8. Punks who gather around and smart off while he's getting gas for the Batmobile. 7. Nuclear power source for utility belt has rendered him sterile. 6. When really stupid people shout out, "Hey, Where's Tonto?" 5. When dry cleaner accidently switches Bat suit and San Diego Chicken costume. 4. When an episode focuses way too much on Jake (Oh, I'm sorry. That's one of the pet peeves of the "Fatman") 3. Seeing Alfred the butler talking to Albert Goldman. 2. The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a piece of cardboard can summon him at night. 1. When people call him ">The< Batman." It's just "Batman," damn it! TOP 10 FEARS OF SNUGGLES THE FABRIC SOFTENER BEAR: 10. Might someday have to chew own leg off to escape from lint trap. 9. Sleeping in laundry basket exposes him to attack by housecats. 8. He may wind up in a washer with Al Sharpton's undershirts. 7. People will find out about that mauled camper back in '78. 6. Excess softener will leave him unable to perform as a male. 5. First wife Joey Heatherton will write book claiming he beat her regularly. -ooh will get drunk at family gathering and start loudly suggesting that >he< should be the Fabric Softener Bear. 3. Something might happen to George Bush. 2. Company doctors will perform some kind of surgery to insure he remains "snuggly" forever. 1. The Pillsbury Doughboy will ask him to poke lower. TOP 10 AMISH PICKUP LINES: 10. Are thee at barn-raisings often? 9. If our religion didn't forbid the use of telephones, I would ask thee for thy number. 8. Can I buy thee a buttermilk colada? 7. You've really got the build for that plain bonnet and shapeless black dress! 6. Say, my favorite movie is "Witness" too! 5. Are thee a model? 4. There are so many phonies at these quilting bees. Let's go someplace quiet. 3. Thy buggy has a bitchin' lacquer job. 2. I got Sinatra tickets. 1. Are thee up for some plowing? TOP 10 LEAST POPULAR FAIRY TALES: 10. The Gingerbread Man Chews Off His Own Leg to Get Out of a Bear Trap 9. Geraldo and Gretel 8. The Ugly Duckling Who Had Liposuction and Cheek Implants 7. The Little Old Lady Who Lived in Al Sharpton's Hair 6. Dr. Campo and the Magic Beans 5. Mike Tyson Whips the Hell Out of the Little People 4. Scrappy, the Very Contagious Monkey 3. George Bush Won't Raise Taxes 2. The Little Engine that Occasionally Couldn't 1. Goldilocks and the Tainted Clams TOP 10 CAMPAIGNE PROMISES GEORGE BUSH IS SORRY HE MADE: 10. To use Star Wars satellites to give everybody free HBO 9. To bite head off rat at first press conference 8. To bomb France back to the Stone Age 7. To get to the bottom of this whole Bigfoot thing 6. To appease tobacco lobby by always having picture taken with cigarrete in his mouth 5. To deflower Brook Shields on board the space shuttle ATLANTIS 4. To dispose of radioactive waste through the Home Shopping Network 3. At summit with Soviets, to try "pull my finger" trick on Gorbachev 2. To bring more lightweight pretty-boys into the executive branch 1. To reveal during inaugural address the whereabouts of Elvis TOP 10 REASONS TO TAKE ALGEBRA 2 WITH ALLAN HAYASHI AT C.I.H.S. 10. Warm place to sit during the cold months 9. Get to hear stories from teacher that having nothing to do with math 8. Beats World Civilizations class 7. Teacher is easy about late work 6. Legal to bring sharp objects such as compasses for hidden purposes 5. Teacher does all the problems on the board--no homework 4. Shadow animals on overhead projector 3. The chesty babe who sits in front of you 2. The bowl that the teacher collects previously chewed gum in 1. Oriental dishes prepared each Friday in authentic Wok. TOP 10 CHRISTMAS MOVIES IN TIMES SQUARE: 10. Hot Buttered Elves 9. Santa's Magic Lap 8. Babes in Boyland 7. Crisco Kringle 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '90 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim 3. Santa Goes 'Round-the-World 2. The Nutcracker Swede 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not my Nose like em? ___ ___ ___Gizmo___ MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/13/93 AT 10:10:25 Comments : ZZZZZZZ=100 BOG ME=2 Message # 346. Date: 05/03/91. Time: 21:43:02. Read 101 Times. From : Dr. Ed To : All you lovely peoples Subj : Final Examination Final Examinations Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit -- 4 hours. Begin immediately. History: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philisophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific. Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes to complete this excercise. Public Speaking: 2,500 riot-crazed Aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek. Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary system. Prove your thesis. Music: Write a piano concierto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat. Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea. Support , 6Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Suport your evaluation with quotations fИ*WСE3ЌС MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/13/93 AT 10:15:57 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 347. Date: 05/03/91. Time: 21:53:20. Read 3 Times. From : Dr. Ed To : Dr. Ed Subj : Final Examination PRIVATE RECEIVED your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate. Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct a experiment to test your theory. Management Science: Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a general algorithm to optimize all manegerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs. Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered hunting rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted into the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision. Political Science: There is a red telephone sitting on your desk. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any. Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your decision. Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics and science. Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought. General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific. Extra Credit: Define the universe; give three examples. rograms. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/13/93 AT 10:16:09 Comments : HAHAHA=1 HUH?=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 348. Date: 07/02/91. Time: 11:26:05. Read 79 Times. From : SKURKEY To : Gizmo Subj : Another Riddle RECEIVED YOU ARE REPULSIVE. No one or animal helped him. His legs (gag) are still intact. He didn't eat any beans. The rope wasn't made out of cotton. The noose wasn't adjustable. There wasn't a flood. No chair was used. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/13/93 AT 10:19:00 Comments : NO WAY!=1 OBFUSCATED=1 BOG ME=2 Message # 349. Date: 07/02/91. Time: 03:05:31. Read 80 Times. From : HACK MAN To : NOBODY Subj : DOWNLOADED THIS ONE TODAY. One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan. His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms, including the government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply: We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly." As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government: Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish title to be claimed back further than I have done it. I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portugese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus' voyage before she sold her jewels to help him. Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I hope the hell you're satisfied." (Reprinted from the Empire State Surveyor, New York Society of Professional Surveyors, November 1990. C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/13/93 AT 10:20:35 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 350. Date: 07/02/91. Time: 03:19:19. Read 89 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : ONE MORE NEW ONE FEMALE ANALYSIS Women--Chemical Analysis Element: Women Symbol: WO Discovered by: ADAM Atomic Weight: Average expected as 118, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100 to 160, with highly radioactive occurrences at 250 and better (avoid at all costs). Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas. (except the general location referred to as POUGHKEEPSIE) Chemical Properties: 1. Possesses great affinity for Gold(Au), silver(Ag), platinum(Pt), and precious and semi-precious stones and minerals. 2. Capable of absorbing great quantities of expensive substances. 3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with male. 4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased with saturation in ethanol (alcohol). 5. Yields to pressure if applied to correct points. Mental Properties: 1. Difficult to ascertain due to the nature of the thought process that the specimen follows. a) Revamped testing procedures are under study, but projected realizations of test availability dates constantly slip. Physical Properties: 1. Surface very smooth and soft, with many interesting irregularities, usually selectively covered in painted films. a) Avoid those that apply different colored films to each fingernail. b) Some specimen will exhibit a tendency towards thick applications of films resulting in eyes that look like they are bulging out of there heads. Beware this variety as they may be prone to cracking resulting in a realization of what you see ain't what you get or lead poisoning. 2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason. 3. Melts if given proper treatment. 4. Bitter if used incorrectly. 5. Found in various states in nature, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. 6. Selective specimens have pleasant aroma. 7. Warm to hold. Capable of warming other objects it is held close to.(at times causing overheating. Uses: 1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 2. Most powerful reducing agent of money known. 3. Can aid in relaxation. 4. Some versions capable of brightening the day. 5. Can be used to stimulate the heart muscle of a male for what ever reason. a) Use with CAUTION. Positive and Negative results have been obtained for a given stimuli depending on version. 6. Some instrumental for starting GLOBAL WARFARE. 7. Making dinner reservations. 8. Excellent memories for tasks that males generally forget. 9. With a minimum of flattery it is possible to get versions to perform trivial tasks. Tests: 1. Pure specimens turn rosy if discovered in natural state. 2. Turns bright green if placed beside better specimen. 3. Become coy when confronted with truth. Caution: 1. Highly dangerous in inexperienced hands. 2. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, in spite of the fact that specimens can and do obtain possession of more than one of the male gender, and, lie about it. 3. Terrible drivers. 4. Carry ear plugs to prevent ear damage due to spontaneous outbursts. 5. Known for rendering telephones into melted slag. 6. Affinity for rolling pins. 7. Generally obtain lawyers for divorce settlements, that can expand on the idea "weaker sex". C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/13/93 AT 10:21:13 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 BOG ME=2 #350. Message # 351. Date: 08/10/91. Time: 18:37:07. Read 95 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : The Complete Jeffrey Dahmer From a flyer at work... "OK you sickos! You gnew it was only a matter of time before Jeffrey Dahmer jokes would start to come out of newsrooms. The following is as complete a list of perverted Jeffrey Dahmer jokes we could get a hold of: What other charges will be filed against Dahmer? Selling Arms to Iran! What were they playing on the radio when the police entered the apartment? "The first time ever I saw your face." What did Dahmer say to the police when they arrested him? Oh, come on, have a heart! Why did he put the head in the refrigerator? To see if the light really turned off! What does the ad for Dahmer's apartment say? Roommate included - some assembly required. Did you hear that Jeffrey Dahmer got out on bond? Yeah, he put up an arm and a leg! On sale, limited time only...only $19.95...take the finest in old Wisconsin- style foods - among Jeffrey's favorite recipes: Icebox Surprise Pie Head Cheese Terry Aki Screamin' Sammy Sausage Shish-k-Bob Bobby's Bratwurst Scrambled Legs Baked Alaskan Chuck Roast Finger Sandwiches Head Lettuce Elbow Macaroni Vince Meat Handburger Bob-B-Q Barry's Back Ribs Filet O'Fred Big Mac Bill's Boil-In-The-Bag Stew Manwiches Rice-O-Ronnie Matzo Balls Peter Bread Sloppy Joe Jeffrey's Favorite Bands - Fine Young Cannibals & Talking Heads Jeffrey's Favorite Song - "Timothy" Jeffrey's Favorite Movie - "Eating Raoul" and "Diner" Jeffrey's Favorite Drink - Harvey Wallbanger +++Gravebuster --==did anyone hear Howard Stern play "The Jeffrey Dahmer" song on KLSX?==-- MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/13/93 AT 10:24:44 Message # 352. Date: 12/13/93. Time: 07:54:17. Read 63 Times. From : Ghost To : Stranger Subj : all RECEIVED PERMIFIED Would this be Wholly Chao, the chia pet from hell; the one who Grazes in the BOg? "Oh great, oh magnificent, Chao! Hide us from the evils that float! Our soles cry out to you for succotash! Jersey us not about by short tethers! But grant that we should holstein firm to our determination to stomach all particulate solids in an effort gain immorality that we may, also, be consumed and rendered worthy of your tallowed pleasance." MOVED FROM "The Peoples Republic Of Anti-Posters Embassy" BY HACK MAN ON 12/14/93 AT 08:49:23 Comments : HAHAHA=5 OBFUSCATED=1 BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 353. Date: 12/15/93. Time: 21:12:08. Read 54 Times. From : Stranger To : Tellura Subj : Uh RECEIVED PERMIFIED Ramble on, rambler! For this is the home of the roaming rambler, the legendary Dan Amster. Okay, okay, the Legendary Dan Amster has nothing to do with the subject, but it rhymed magnificently, and I didn't feel like using the word hamster, because well, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs the Obfuscabunny (our rabbit) would be jealous if I mentioned a hamster. He is has bad self-esteem. Bad for a arbbit anyway. You woulnd't think that rabbits would need self-esteem; afterall, all they do is sit around and wiggle their noses a lot. Stranger MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 12/15/93 AT 22:39:45 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BOG ME=2 Message # 354. Date: 12/06/93. Time: 19:20:02. Read 91 Times. From : Mojo IV To : All Subj : SQuishedness PERMIFIED DOCTRINE AND OPINIONS ON THE SQUISHINESS AGENDA ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ by Mojo IV, lover of blonde razors ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ The BOg BIble contains 9,245,346,221,773,452.124 mentions of the word SQuish and 3.14573243643235643 mentions of the word potatoe. In any case, Carlson was wrong when he said the orc was incapable of SQuishing. That's just the way it was and he didn't know it, but sooner or later, he would, or he wouldn't, or Stranger would. 5 potatoes 3 1/2 star fleet ship recognition protocals 1 onion 5 cups of ground kitten 9 slugs (YOOOUUUU FIIIEEEEENNNNDDDD!!!) Mix it all together in a bucket and cook at 5000000000јK. Then consume immediately by injecting it into a vein in your temple. Rush Limbaugh once said "Honey, could you hand me that pair of scissors?" ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ Chapter 42: The BOrg INcident I had met a nice alien named Oxnardus of BOrg. She was running a newsletter and convinced me that my first attempt at show biz, SLUG TREK, could be really really really big. So, I gave it to her, and she printed it. After that, I awoke one morning with a cybernetic gastropod and a chord running out of my nose. I was slightly upset. So I enroled in a tapdancing class and began dreaming of my next scheme to RULE THE WORL... ummm, explain doctrines and opinions on SQuishiness. Unfortunately, I kept getting distracted. (I'm sorry, what was I saying? Oh, yeah...) Unfortunately, I kept getting dis... ooo, she's got a nice pair.... Ummm, where was I? Yes . Unfortunately, I kept getting distracted. What with all the protests and peptic cleansing that went on, I was much to busy to get on with my work. So, I sold my soul to the devil and continued typing, oblivious to a large man in robes with a scythe standing behind me. I'd begun to lose faith in Jolt. ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ Chapter VI The Return of the Jedi ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ Luke... the force will be with you. Always. ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ Chapter 666 Bahahahahahahahaha... ФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФФ I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!! GIVE ME THAT GUN!!!! MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY Gravebuster ON 12/17/93 AT 06:10:48 Comments : HAHAHA=101 OBFUSCATED=2 BRAVO!=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 355. Date: 12/14/93. Time: 16:23:05. Read 71 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Tellura Subj : Uh RECEIVED PERMIFIED coherant sense is for ninnys. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 12/19/93 AT 23:16:33 Comments : BOG ME=1 Message # 356. Date: 12/15/93. Time: 15:22:08. Read 71 Times. From : Ghost To : Tellura Subj : Uh RECEIVED PERMIFIED We always have a General Theme. But our Major Point is left-tenant in the dust of a sneaky wish to be the Captain of the team. Nowadays, even the Sargeant at arms has lost all power over our Corporal bodies, as we strive to achieve our Private agendas. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 12/19/93 AT 23:17:13 Comments : DOINK=1 BRAVO!=1 BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 357. Date: 12/27/93. Time: 17:19:01. Read 57 Times. From : Shay Pas To : all persons bored Subj : weird... PERMIFIED As usual she sat swaying on the edge of the faded brown garage sale chair. Bored. And talking in third person about herself. In fragment sentences with bad spelling... I was watching the video for "Numb" by U2 and noticed how odd those things that were being shoved in The Edge's face...those phlanges: you know, toes. Toes are the weirdest things. They wiggle on command, but they look like independant beings as they do so. They probably look weird to me 'cause i don't pay too much attention to them. What is their function? When i think "toes" i think of people peeling bananas with them...but i know that is not their only function. Fingers are cool. There are many things to do with fingers. Toes are just there. Sure, some toes look cute when they peel bananas, but that's all i see: cute wiggling things that peel bananas. WHAT ARE THEY THERE FOR?? I've been reading _The Handmaid's Tale_ lately. The book is very eerie.. It appears to revolve around boredom: "I wait, washed, brushed, fed, like a prized pig. Sometime in the eighties they invented pig balls, for pigs who were fattened in pens. Pig balls were large colored balls; the pigs rolled them around with their snouts. The pig market- ers said this improved their muscle tone; the pigs were curious, they liked to have something to think about...I wish I had a pig ball." pg. 90 _The Handmaid's Tale_, Margret Atwood The handmaids are in a situation where boredom is an everyday thing. They are not allowed much outside (or indoor, even) contact with anything. They cherish their senses and long for communication. Thinking of their situation makes me wonder what i'm whining about. So i stop whining. Blah. MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY Ghost ON 12/28/93 AT 23:21:59 Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 BLAH=1 BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 358. Date: 12/14/93. Time: 16:23:05. Read 84 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Tellura Subj : Uh RECEIVED PERMIFIED coherant sense is for ninnys. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/29/93 AT 16:56:26 Comments : BLAH=1 BOG ME=2 Message # 359. Date: 11/28/93. Time: 20:32:50. Read 69 Times. From : Number Two To : Gravebuster Subj : Hey RECEIVED People must really think I am stupid or something..... Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY The Music Man ON 01/01/94 AT 04:01:04 Comments : WAY!=1 NO WAY!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 360. Date: 12/30/93. Time: 14:04:19. Read 65 Times. From : Gravebuster To : Phoenix Subj : The Menu RECEIVED PERMIFIED Top Ten Reasons Why Some People Would Not Be Able To Eat Bananas 10. Potassium causes people to believe President Clinton. 9. They can't handle complex choices, like whether they should choose the green bananas, the yellow bananas, or the brown, mushy bananas. 8. They can't get over the tramautic childhood experience of leaving a banana in the refrigerator overnight. 7. DNA took a shortcut in their evolution. 6. Potassium is the secret catalyst for converting ordinary human beings into sociopathic assimilators. 5. Banana peels do not go with GRRRanimals. 4. They will lecture you about how you deprived a poor Central American primate of its banana by supporting the capitalistic exploitation of third world nations. 3. They already ate a whole bunch of bananas an hour ago. Do you really expect them to eat another so soon?! 2. Bananas have been proven to be the leading cause of top ten list production. 1. Because "banana" has too many A's. +++Gravebuster --==apologies and blame to the Sonny Boys==-- MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 01/01/94 AT 16:52:31 Comments : HAHAHA=42 #360. Message # 361. Date: 01/01/94. Time: 06:56:00. Read 75 Times. From : The Music Man To : Whomever Subj : In retrospect PERMIFIED Twas the night before New Years, and all through the house not a creature was sleeping, except for a mouse. The kumquats were hanging with ease from their tree As visions of figs taunted each one with glee. And I in psychosis and doink in seclusion eased into an evening of quiet dillusion When all of a sudden I heard with a squish the sound that sounded like sounds of a fish So I followed it into a little brown jug where I promptly discovered a pitiful slug When what to my eyes do I hallucinate but 42 penguins surrounding a plate And laying dead center a slug with a bow which I recognized at once as the user Mojo. And then came the stranger, from out of nowhere with napkins and salt and some clean silverware which he layed out quite neatly in 23 rows as the penguins approached him and climbed up his nose. They disappeared quickly and stayed in there long While Hack Man appeared, singing some kind of song Which made the slug dance, and the silverware fly as the salt took for Mojo, who started to cry And the tears filled the house with a liquidy glow That had us seek refuge on Hack Man's big toe. The stranger said nothing, except maybe BLAH as he salted the mollusk and swallowed it raw, as purple neutrinos passed through us and back I consequently has a Big Mac Attack. But nothing was open, too late for fast food unless you like slugs with a slight attatude. Then all of the penguins danced out of his ear and announced that we all had just missed the new year When all of us should have been drunk and elated we realized that we were quite obfuscated And through all the meaningless pseudoconfusion we failed to see it was all an illusion the kumquats were ornaments hung from small hooks the penguins were really just computer books the slugs were just remnants of Mojo's last stay which sat in the corner in steamy decay the silverware ended up stacked in the sink the bow was just mistletoe, underneath it a Bink the purple neutrinos were only the glow of black lights reflecting off Hack Man's big toe, And here I lay sleeping and dreaming in fear Of sleeping through yet another New Year... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 01/02/94 AT 08:59:22 Comments : BRAVO!=123 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 362. Date: 10/07/93. Time: 04:02:54. Read 79 Times. From : Mestira To : All Subj : ... I WANNA BE OBFUSCATED!!! MestiraWannaBe MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 01/03/94 AT 07:12:48 Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 DOINK=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 363. Date: 05/17/91. Time: 19:42:00. Read 77 Times. From : Ubik To : DEADMAN Subj : HMM RECEIVED PERMIFIED Deadman, You are a new Discordian! Have you done your formal initiation baptism type thing yet? You have to go someplace, (bowling alleys are traditional but it can be any public place) and consume a HOT DOG on FRIDAY. thereby breaking the rules of several religions (includig discordianism) all at once. This is important stuff. Do it! Ubik Hail Eris All Hail Discordia! (chili is optional) MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 01/03/94 AT 07:31:18 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 364. Date: 10/09/93. Time: 18:19:31. Read 72 Times. From : SKURKEY To : Mestira Subj : If you insist.... RECEIVED PERMIFIED Speak for yourself. MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY The Music Man ON 01/03/94 AT 18:15:29 Comments : BOG ME=1 Message # 365. Date: 11/15/93. Time: 02:18:52. Read 79 Times. From : Number Two To : Mojo IV Subj : All RECEIVED PERMIFIED I used to live in an apartment that overlooked a gnomish ampitheatre. At night, when the leaves rustled and the wind danced, the gnomes would come out, and sit upon what they used for seat (kinda looked like sandbags. They would sit 3 or 4 to a sandbag), and drink and brag. Eventually, this would lead up to manly contest, and almost inevitably to them challenging each other to who could kill the most faeries. The faeies lived about a 1/4 mile down the creek underneath the bridge. The nomes would then issue forth in great numbers, riding captured birds and frogs (they had underwater troops that rode crayfish), and attack the faeries. In the end, they were always driven off because the faeries magic was stronger, although they were a less fiece people, but not before they suffered many causaulties, and lost many anaimals to the cruel nets of the gnomes. It was a sad thing to see, but it taught me a lot about how life really works and about how it is really hard to fight the way that things are. I really miss that place, and some night I think I might like to go back there, and sit in the shadows to see if the Gnomes still revel in the same ampitheatre. Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 01/03/94 AT 23:04:25 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 366. Date: 01/01/94. Time: 21:43:22. Read 84 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Fun for the whole family PERMIFIED (Well, I hope this works.... :) ) R E T H U M B E S S L X I K B O R M O S T R A N G E R T J X E R H S H M H O U R S E W E K I D V S Q T B O M A V T J O L C B J O O U S E I V N W R T W L N N O I T I M R A N U Q S D H U F R J X N S A S N B T H I R G R V X O P I H N T E A S W T S I A N A M H K N C V L W M G J O W Y G E V O C U A T V C D K Q I T S O H G E A R K H I E L A C M M U B E H N H S B M E J L C E A I S E J A I I I N R M J V S X V H S U A C X X Q A C O R W I N M T R Q B R E M I S G M O W T R E B M U N H L S E A D L L I M M I K E S T E R ANAIS HACKMAN SQUISH BOG JEHAN STRANGER CORWIN MIKESTER TELLURA GHOST MOJO GRAVEBUSTER NUMBERTWO HACKINTOSH PHOENIX Print out a hard copy (or get out the felt tip pen and draw on your computer screen) and find all the names listed above! (If you're not in the crossword...no slight intended! Maybe next time!) --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 01/09/94 AT 18:36:50 Comments : ZZZZZZZ=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 367. Date: 01/10/94. Time: 22:16:52. Read 64 Times. From : Mikester To : Stranger Subj : Fun for the whole family RECEIVED I should've waited! Now everyone gnows the true extent of my egocentricity. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 01/11/94 AT 13:03:04 Message # 368. Date: 01/10/94. Time: 22:18:02. Read 74 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : The Anally-Retentive Subop it's - contraction of "it is" or "it has" its - possessive form of "it" whose - possessive form of "who" or "which" who's - contraction of "who is or "who has" their - possessive form of "they" they're - contraction of "they are" there - adverb meaning "in that place" Any mistake in the above was done on purpose to test you. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 01/11/94 AT 13:03:12 Comments : WAY!=1 OBFUSCATED=1 DOINK=1 ZZZZZZZ=2 OH MY GOD!=1 Message # 369. Date: 01/11/94. Time: 19:31:18. Read 59 Times. From : Mikester To : Mikester Subj : Fun for the whole family RECEIVED PERMIFIED Gaze into the BOg, and the BOg gazes back into you. --BAronet BOg MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Stranger ON 01/11/94 AT 22:08:25 Message # 371. Date: 12/30/93. Time: 20:02:52. Read 83 Times. From : Mojo IV To : Ghost Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED I am SQuishy of BOg. You will be SQuished. Mojo is futile. =>Mojo IV<= SQuishy BOgSLug MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY HACK MAN ON 01/14/94 AT 21:55:39 Message # 372. Date: 02/05/94. Time: 00:48:18. Read 84 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : ... 665 - the neighbor of the Beast. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 02/05/94 AT 18:06:19 Message # 373. Date: 02/13/94. Time: 11:02:47. Read 63 Times. From : KEN To : Mikester Subj : WEIRD DREAM!!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED That could be the beginning of Astral projection... Try it, it might work, and once your there, drop by, DVL and I would be glad to see ya.. I REmain MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY Ghost ON 02/14/94 AT 08:15:05 Message # 374. Date: 02/07/94. Time: 23:33:23. Read 73 Times. From : Jehan To : Stranger Subj : Hi, Stranger! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Can I have some Pi a la Node, please? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 02/20/94 AT 13:09:03 Comments : HAHAHA=42 Message # 375. Date: 02/12/94. Time: 16:54:37. Read 68 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Mikester Subj : True Crime RECEIVED PERMIFIED ARGH! i was sitting on the couch listening to music, minding my own business while mom and my sister were getting their daily fix of real life (i.e. Rescue 911, Unsolved Mysteries, Hard Copy etc.) and it comes on! ARGH! As the segment delves into the deep, dark world of BBSing, their eyes get wider and wider and their stares at me increasingly incredulous. ARGH! Ma once wondered if i was hacking or phreaking...shocked the DOINK! out me (didn't even gnow she gnew what phreaking was). I sta-- The door of the t.v. room pops open and the slightly balding head of Mr. Pas pokes in. He enters and sifts through the boxes of papers and junk lying around the room, eyes steal a glance at the monitor then innocently continue to roam the room. "Shay, have you seen the can opener around here?" "Umm," I pause, feigning a desparate search for the can opener. I lift the plastic plant off the television and shake my head sympathetically. "I'm sure it'll turn up later." "Uh-hum." I begin to type some garble-dee-goop about world peace as he slowly backs out the door. Smiling to myself, i erase the goop and continue to plot the demise of American government with my Satanic buddy. Shay Pas ("Aw, ma! That kind of stuff only happens on Prodigy!") MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 02/20/94 AT 17:20:40 Comments : ARGH!=1 BLAH=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 376. Date: 02/16/94. Time: 23:30:46. Read 80 Times. From : Stranger To : All/Mojo IV/Dylord/KEN/Stranger/Mikester Subj : all RECEIVED PERMIFIED Sssshhhh, you're giving away the mysteries! You gnow what happens when people who haven't been properly initiated hear or read the mysteries! (Spontaneous orgasm over the next 72 hours.) Stranger MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 02/20/94 AT 23:41:30 Message # 377. Date: 02/13/94. Time: 22:50:55. Read 70 Times. From : Acdha Rmiss To : Stranger Subj : is getting kicked off twice in a row a sign that i shouldn't post this? RECEIVED PERMIFIED I personally think we should start a Retreat Theme-park: Doinklyland! MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY HACK MAN ON 02/21/94 AT 02:04:35 Message # 378. Date: 02/16/94. Time: 15:29:43. Read 68 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Hackintosh Subj : i'll get you my pretty! PERMIFIED Hackintosh, i shall strangle you. i will take my mouse cord and wrap it thrice around your CPU. i will rip out your math coprocessor pin by pin. you can beg and plead, but the words "uncle," "mercy," and "aunt Sally" are on Sassy's list of words gone out of style; therefore, not in my vocab. whazza matta, 'tosh? are my words too potent and weird even for the Weird Board? notice the almost perfect spelling in this post? it's like that because i'm writing off-line; you kicked me off! at first it was funny..."half-fast logoff" ha ha ha. now, i'm taking this personally. I, Shaiden Jamais Pas, declare war on you! While not nessesarily increasing in volume, my weird obscure silly incoherant rambling posts shall increase in weirdness tenfold! By the power vested in me as No-One Of Severe Consequence, i proclaim this war Begun. Your Devoted Nemesis, Shay Pas MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY HACK MAN ON 02/21/94 AT 02:08:50 Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 379. Date: 02/22/94. Time: 00:35:45. Read 85 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Bad Poetry 'R' Us PERMIFIED Roos, roos Give me the news, Life has been giving me Nothin' but the blues Roos, roos Don't you refuse This feeling that crushes me I desperately need to lose Hopping away on pneumatic legs Leaving behind the world's dregs Leaving me behind to beg To please take me along Obfuscating through the maddening pack Oblivious to those who stick to facts Leaving me behind only to "Ack!" And ask, to please take me along Roos, roos, I only wish That I could just sit and fish But all I can do in this place where I am Is just sit and SQuish For, Roos, if you hear me now, Though I don't gnow exactly how, Pneumatically I shall someday rise And hop away, never again to bow. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 02/22/94 AT 12:28:15 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Stranger ON 02/22/94 AT 20:23:23 Comments : HAHAHA=1 DOINK=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 380. Date: 03/05/94. Time: 03:56:09. Read 83 Times. From : NiP To : Mikester Subj : Now it can be archived. RECEIVED PERMIFIED regarding log of multiple factoids::: MESSAGE HEADER ERROR NO CARRIER the next day... Message # 1 Date: 03/06/94. Time: 23:07:40. Read 4 Times. From : HACK MAN To : MIKESTER / MOJO IV Subj : BLAH Private THE PNEUMATIC ROOS MESSAGE FILE WAS CORRUPTED. WHEN I RAN MY MESSAGE HEADER FIX ROUTINE, I RAN INTO A LITTLE BUG I OVERLOOKED. I ASSUMED IT WOULD TAKE AN HOUR OR SO FOR IT TO FINISH SO I LEFT THE COMPUTER TO DO OTHER THINGS. WHEN I RETURNED, MUCH LATER, THE FIX WAS STILL RUNNING WHEN IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE. THE BUG CAUSED THE PNEUMATIC ROO MESSAGE FILE TO BE FILLED WITH A CONTINUOUS STRING OF SPACE CHARACTERS. I RESTARTED THE PNEUMATIC ROO SUB FROM SCRATCH. SORRY GUYS. I'M SURE IT WILL EVENTUALLY FILL UP WITH NUMEROUS POSTS AGAIN. I HOPE THIS DOESN'T CAUSE TOO MUCH TROUBLE. SINCERELY, HM (Pneumatic Roos) Sub op: Mikejo / Mojister 4 Messages From <1-4> Time = 5128. Doink? : - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 03/07/94 AT 22:30:15 #380. Message # 381. Date: 03/08/94. Time: 20:28:19. Read 75 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Your horoscope PISCES: Love is only a phone call away -- unfortunately, it's a 976 number. ARIES: Your life takes a turn for the better, until you take that ill-fated plane trip. TAURUS: You will lose an important part of your body in a boating accident. GEMINI: Leather goods, pulleys, intricate knots, and livestock will begin to play greater roles in your romantic life. CANCER: An old friend will return to your life, looking for that ten bucks you owe him. LEO: You will be swept into the arms of a mysterious lover, who will take you on exciting trips to foreign lands, flinging yourselves from one fast-paced dangerous and erotic adventure to another, until you find yourself naked in a hotel room in Fairfax, VA, with all of your traveller's checks missing. VIRGO: Pretty much business as usual, except look out for one-legged men with big hats offering you deals on mass quantities of fish. LIBRA: You will spend the entire week measuring things. SCORPIO: Career opportunities abound -- for all of your friends, who take great delight in telling you about their wonderful high-paying jobs. SAGITTARIUS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! CAPRICORN: You will pick the correct numbers in the lottery, but this will be the week you neglect to buy a ticket. AQUARIUS: You will hang around with a group of poorly dressed teenagers, singing songs about your hair. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 03/09/94 AT 22:06:02 Comments : HAHAHA=23 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 382. Date: 03/09/94. Time: 22:11:50. Read 78 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : HACK MAN 220: MIKESTER'S 203 IS ACTUALLY #223 221: MIKESTER'S 204 IS ACTUALLY #224 222: THERE ACTUALLY ARE TWO #205'S C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 03/11/94 AT 10:26:51 Comments : HAHAHA=4 OBFUSCATED=1 BRAVO!=6 BOG ME=1 Message # 383. Date: 03/21/94. Time: 02:40:24. Read 65 Times. From : Arwen Undomiel To : Mikester Subj : MOre SQuishiness RECEIVED PERMIFIED What would it take to acheive a state of SQuishy-ness? Must one consciously SQuish? Can an individual be a SQuish-conscientious Objector? Or conscientiously object to SQuish? Can I SQuish pandimensionally? Is my son SQuishy if he enjoys sitting in a SQuishily spoiled diaper? Does the Mark of the Swirl on his head mean anything SQuishy? Is long- distance phone SQuishing as much fun as the physical alternative? Can I be SQuishy even if other SQuishy individuals don't appreciate me, or think that I am anti-SQuish (which couldn't be further from the SQuish, and the SQuish is, of course, the Truth)? Arwen p.s.: Doink-SQuish! MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 03/24/94 AT 21:32:36 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 384. Date: 03/20/94. Time: 22:35:23. Read 77 Times. From : Stranger To : NiP Subj : - EVIL - RECEIVED PERMIFIED Did you just realize that human society is made of primate pack hierarchies? Stranger MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 03/24/94 AT 21:33:25 Message # 385. Date: 03/16/94. Time: 23:12:20. Read 87 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Guess who's been playing Infocom games? PERMIFIED The BOg of Eternal Stench An interactive text adventure (c) 1985 by ><-ilecom. (Restoring saved position.) (Okay.) HALL, NORTH END You are at the north end of a north-south hall. There is a closed door to your east. The door is locked. The key turns with a satisfying click. The door creaks open, revealing beyond it a small cluttered room. SMALL ROOM You enter a somewhat cluttered room, where Stranger is sitting on what may have once been a couch. He lifts a mug in your direction in greeting. "Hi! C'mon in!" The only exit is to the west. "Hi!" (Which accident do you mean - the boating accident, or the fork accident?) "That wasn't an accident," replies Stranger with a gleam in his eye. Stranger takes a drink from his mug, and looks at you expectantly. There is nothing but dust there. There's no room - Stranger is sitting on the only safe part of the couch. SMALL ROOM You enter a somewhat cluttered room, where Stranger is sitting on what may have once been a couch. The only exit is to the west. "'Bye!" Stranger calls out. HALL, NORTH END You are at the north end of a north-south hall. There is an open door to your east. You are carrying a key a fish a credit card (not yours) a Hardy Boys coloring and activity book a BOg MUshroom a "Lidsville" lunchpail it looks like the lunchpail contains a toupee HALL You are halfway through a north-south hall. There is an aquarium here. There is a window to your west. (I don't know the word "thorugh") All you see through the window are the vast rolling waves of the BOg. HALL, SOUTH END You are at the south end of a north-south hall. There are closed doors to your east and south. Opened. BATHROOM In this room are all the things you expect to find in a bathroom. You don't need to. You're already there. HALL, SOUTH END You are at the south end of a north-south hall. There is a closed door to your east and an open door to your south. Opened. BOg You are sucked mercilessly into the rolling and crushing waves of the BOg. You lose all sense of direction as you are tossed about. You try to fight the waves of the BOg, but to no avail. You try to fight the waves of the BOg, but to no avail. You try to fight the waves of the BOg, but to no avail. You ease into the rhythms of the BOg, finding yourself able to navigate the waves. BOg. You BOb upon the now gentle waves of the BOg. To your west, you see the very small house that rests upon one of the more stable portions of the BOg. To your south, you see a vast figure darkly looming over that portion of the BOg. Nondescript waves of the BOg roll in every other direction. You BOb slowly to the south, coming closer to the giant figure that looms to the south. Nondescript waves of the BOg roll in every other direction. As you BOb ahead, the vast figure dips its mighty bearded head, as if finally noticing you. It bends down, allowing its prehensile beard to grasp you and lift you out of the BOg. The figure's huge eyes focus upon you, and you know that you are soon to shuffle off the mortal coil. The figures flings his head backwards, tossing you into the farthest reaches of the BOg SEa, so remote that you will never find your way back to safety, and no amount of BObbing or RIding will sustain your existence. *****You have died***** You scored 3.14159 out of a possible 100 points. This gives you a ranking of "BOg URchin." Would you like to play again? (yes or no) Thank you for playing! See you soon! MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 03/29/94 AT 20:38:18 Comments : HAHAHA=101 OBFUSCATED=23 BRAVO!=134 ZZZZZZZ=1 PROMOTE ME=9 Message # 386. Date: 02/24/94. Time: 23:29:43. Read 84 Times. From : Stranger To : Zoloft Subj : RECEIVED uh ... er ... Strange! MOVED FROM "Love" BY HACK MAN ON 03/30/94 AT 01:12:25 Message # 387. Date: 03/12/93. Time: 19:06:56. Read 70 Times. From : THE MUSIC MAN To : Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED If it weren't for "weird", we would all understand what eachother and the world would be a much nicer place to live in! Unfortunately, everybody's weird! MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY Ghost ON 04/03/94 AT 08:58:22 Message # 389. Date: 04/03/94. Time: 22:49:19. Read 78 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : A Roos Quiz! I hope you've been paying attention! Please place all books and bags under your desk. You have thirty minutes. 1. Stranger lost his ________ in a boating accident. a. spleen b. penis c. big toe d. toupee 2. It's all one big ______. a. pile o'stuff b. mess c. thing d. toe 3. Which of the following is NOT found on Mikester's head? a. a toupee b. foil c. a big ol' floppy rave hat d. the number "665" 4. "Stranger ______." a. ><-rated b. ><-ile c. ><-tra large d. ><-Men 5. Which of these words does NOT belong? a. doink b. SQuish c. bink d. ack! 6. "I ________." a. Reprimand b. Remainder c. Reverberate d. Remain 7. In the space following, list the first 100,000 digits of Pi. 8. Identify the SQuishy BOgSLug. a. HACK MAN b. Nipsey Russell c. Mojo IV d. Mikester 9. To obfuscate is a. divine b. confusing c. illegal in some countries d. to obfuscate 10. "Be ________ you?" a. seeing b. tickling c. stapling d. running away from 11. Which is the better computer? a. IBM b. Mac c. What possible difference does it make? 12. Pink Floyd is a. a great band b. not the same since Roger Waters left c. on tour this year d. still together!? No way! 13. Tip the bell captain how much? a. This much b. $1.98 c. DOINK! d. Uh...I'm a little short right now.... 14. Which one? a. 23 b. 42 c. 24-7 d. 3.14159 15. The Retreat is a. in Camarillo b. in all our hearts, and thus can never die c. usually busy when I try to call d. odd. Very odd. 16. This quiz is a. pointless b. very nice, except for the margins in question #15 c. very quizzical d. finally over Please turn your papers over when you are done. They will be collected after everyone is done taking the test. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 04/04/94 AT 12:33:24 Comments : NO WAY!=1 HAHAHA=1 Message # 390. Date: 01/25/94. Time: 17:11:22. Read 78 Times. From : KEN To : Stranger Subj : How weird... RECEIVED PERMIFIED If you post them they will come.. I Remain MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 04/06/94 AT 19:27:23 Comments : HAHAHA=100 PROMOTE ME=1 #390. Message # 391. Date: 03/30/94. Time: 10:30:36. Read 66 Times. From : Oxnardus To : Mikester Subj : Conspiracy! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Pardon me while I ska-weel. SKA-WEEEEEEEL. Oxnardus MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 04/06/94 AT 22:18:49 Comments : BOG ME=1 Message # 392. Date: 03/25/94. Time: 01:19:02. Read 73 Times. From : Stranger To : Paranoids Subj : The Epistle to the Paranoids PERMIFIED - - Lord Omar 1. Ye have locked yerselves up in cages of fear--and, behold, do ye now complain that ye lack FREEDOM! 2. Ye have cast out yer brothers for devils and now complain ye, lamenting, that ye've been left to fight alone. 3. All Chaos was once yer kingdom; verily, held ye dominion over the entire Pentaverse, but today ye wax sore afraid in dark corners, nooks, and sink holes. 4. O how the darknesses do crowd up, one against the other, in ye hearts! What fear ye more that what ye have wroughten? 5. Verily, verily I say unto you, not all the Sinister Ministers of the Bavarian Illuminati, working together in multitudes, could so entwine the land with tribulation as have yer baseless warnings. Stranger MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 04/06/94 AT 22:21:20 Message # 393. Date: 03/20/94. Time: 23:26:25. Read 83 Times. From : Mikester To : NiP Subj : money RECEIVED PERMIFIED HOW TO GET MONEY by Dr. Mikester 1. Buy yourself a really good printing press, and make your own 2. Rob that 7-11 that's down the street 3. Write a shareware program ... HAHA! Just kidding! 4. Get a job, for God's sake 5. Become a crooked politician 6. Hack into your place of employment's computer payroll records, and have all the 1/2 cents dropped off of everybody's paycheck added onto yours, like Richard Pryor's character did in "Superman III" 7. Become a teacher ... HAHA! Kidding again! 8. Don't rule out male prostitution 9. Nude housecleaning (don't laugh...I saw a news report on a guy working his way through law school doing this) 10. Sell all your comic books (I, of course, would never do this) 11. Find all those lost pets out there and collect the reward money 12. Steal it from those guys in front of grocery stores collecting for charity...of course, you'll go to hell, but hey, stuff happens 13. Protection money. Works for me 14. Lose your penis in a boating accident, and watch that insurance money pour in 15. Hang out outside liquor stores the day after lotto numbers are drawn, and beat up anybody who looks like they may be coming to cash in their winning tickets, which, of course, you'll remove from their bleeding and battered bodies 16. Check behind the cushions of every couch in the county MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 04/06/94 AT 22:23:32 Comments : ZZZZZZZ=1 Message # 394. Date: 03/30/94. Time: 00:27:26. Read 68 Times. From : HACK MAN To : NiP Subj : money RECEIVED PERMIFIED SO YOU WANT TO RAISE MANY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS RIGHT AWAY: (BY H. MAN) A: VOLUNTEER FOR MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS. (SELL A KIDNEY (CAN I HAVE YOUR LIVER?)) B: SUDDENLY REMEMBER ABOUT A LITTLE WEEKEND THAT YOU SPENT WITH MICHAEL JACKSON. C: SELL YOUR OWN CALLING CARD NUMBER. (IT MAY BE NECESSARY TO DECLARE BANKRUPTCY AT A LATER DATE.) D: SELL YOUR BODY, AND/OR SELL YOURSELF INTO SLAVERY. (DEPENDING ON HOW GOOD LOOKING YOU ARE.) E: INVENT THE "HULA HOOP / PET ROCK" OF THE 90'S. F: DISCOVER COLD FUSION IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR. G: EXPERIMENT WITH COLOR COPIERS. H: CLAIM THAT YOU ARE A FORMER BOYFRIEND OF LORENA BOBBIT AND SELL YOUR STORY TO "HARD COPY." (IF THEY ASK FOR PHYSICAL PROOF THIS SOLUTION COULD BE QUITE PAINFUL.) I: FIND THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE HIDDEN UNDERNEATH A PICTURE OF DOGS PLAYING POKER. J: PLAY CRAPS AND WIN ABOUT 10 TIMES IN A ROW. K: SPRING JOHN GOTTI LOOSE FROM JAIL. L: POUR CRAZY GLUE INTO THE LOCK ON THE BACK DOOR OF SOME ARMORED CAR (WHILE THE DOOR IS OPEN) AND THEN FOLLOW THEM AROUND AS THEY GO OVER SPEED BUMPS. C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 04/06/94 AT 22:23:54 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 395. Date: 03/24/94. Time: 22:13:54. Read 74 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Stranger Subj : Posti Propagandista RECEIVED PERMIFIED "BRAVO!=100" The Embassy fills with the storming cries of Truth. "Silence is Death!" "Choose or Lose!" "No-One Can Post Just Once!" read some of the signs. They march as haphazardly as they post, yet they march with heart. They march metaphorically. They march together, young and not-so-young, weird and not-so-weird all the time gnowing who they as a COLLECTIVE and as individuals were inside: a collage of everone else and then some. They marched waving Dictionaries to help in their expression of their minds, pitch forks to pitch the Hey!s thrown at them and keep brown haired comic book people at bay, and a voice. A voice that screamed sung whispered Truth and reason. It lulled the un-pacified and sirened the new users that like to TREK into imagination. The voice screams sings whispers for more minds to satisfy its unsatisfiable thirst for . Shaiden Jamais Pas, Weirdo Extraordinaire MOVED FROM "The Peoples Republic Of Anti-Posters Embassy" BY HACK MAN ON 04/08/94 AT 19:52:11 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 396. Date: 04/10/94. Time: 10:13:51. Read 56 Times. From : NIp To : Dylord Subj : New to Board RECEIVED PERMIFIED Quality not quantity -- always. л Look, Ma! No verbs! л MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Stranger ON 04/10/94 AT 12:28:38 Message # 397. Date: 04/11/94. Time: 12:59:08. Read 63 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Stranger Subj : A Roos Quiz! RECEIVED PERMIFIED i also thinked: chuck articles. but: articles be of use. "the" and "a" distinguish nouns different. berid "an," though. this language behave not inflections... bemake the language simple for the voices synthetic. (and the voices of aliens monotonous.) Shay Pas MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 04/13/94 AT 10:45:00 Comments : HAHAHA=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 Message # 398. Date: 04/10/94. Time: 14:12:09. Read 71 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Mikester Subj : A Roos Quiz! RECEIVED PERMIFIED i think that we do need a simpler language. this language need only be used for interstellar communication and stuff :) using whatever language i'd chuck the silly verb conjugation stuff. so to walk: i walk you walk Much simpler, no? s/he walk we walk E.T. had the right idea. y'all walk it walk in past tense, just add "-ed" to everything. the "-ed" would sound as it did in the olden days: walked=> wahk ED. that takes care of when the "-ed" suffix would have sounded gross. to negate a sentence, just slap a "not" after the verb. "I walked not." Wayne and Garth had the right idea, too. on another note, i'd revamp the "like" comparison. and keep "like" and the like a verb. example: You smell like a horse. What impression might this give to a literal-minded alien? "You have the olfactoric ability of an equestrian"? should be: You have the scent of a horse. ^the real verb Words make not sense. i gnow that: things be not: perfect. But i think that: things canbe simpler. is it that: you agree? :) Shay Pas (i readed an article of what you speaked of [word origins weird]. alas, i have not the article on my person.) MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 04/13/94 AT 10:46:05 Message # 399. Date: 01/29/94. Time: 02:09:46. Read 62 Times. From : Muffin Man To : Gravebuster Subj : Hands and Feet On Experience RECEIVED PERMIFIED ssssssssssss ty5ew /;sdsae C'k bcnXXXt IJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJKMMMM< L<,,,,mmmmmmm? ccfxfcmnnnnnnnnnnnn ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddcxn v,nx (?kniod) , jxxxxx k, ., mv bc v c v1qaszx wsx ./zedfc dcec wqsxz xcc gggggggggggr3gb ., 4rfv ., 4rffffffffffffffffffffffff fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff3mj 8ik [Arwen Note: I think that there is meaning in there somewhere! He insisted on using his feet at one point, though I don't remember what they typed.] MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 04/15/94 AT 00:55:41 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 400. Date: 04/15/94. Time: 19:45:33. Read 67 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Shay Pas Subj : Mining for stratagems RECEIVED PERMIFIED "You gnow we've been falling for quite some time now..." "I agree. I'd've said something of this, but i figured we'd've hit the ground before i'd've a chance to say it. Apparantly, that is not so." We lurked the halls of the Retreat, Shay using a different handle. We avoiding speaking and never set foot in the File Door, wary of Retreatists who kept eyes on people who seemed to inhabit the File Menu like how TMM lives in the VGA Planets doorway... We split up according to the plan. (For security reasons, we summarized our miraculous landing, meeting with eachother and the plan of attack in a different foreground color. If you couldn't see it, your screen color defaults are set wrong...) Shay walked calmly through the halls, case in hand. Kibbles and bits of conversation wafted to her ears as she paused briefly in front of various doors and enteranceways. Around one corner she chanced upon a view of a shining silver sphere. /Oooo, trippy,/ she cooed. She remained behind the corner and regarded the floating object, her fascination with shiny spheres keeping her from moving ahead. The ball wiggled along the corridor in odd jerky patterns. Shay watched it concernedly. /Num-num orb. You're gonna crash into a wall.../ The seemingly sightless silver sphere raced to a wall. "Ack! Halt you num-num orb!" The num-num stopped abruptly and smoothly sailed towards Shay. "Can you see?" she asked awed. "YES, OF COURSE." "CAN YOU HEAR?" The ball was silent, not bothering to answer such a num- num question. "Uhhh, nevermind. 'Twas a num-num question." Shay smiled and wondered if the orb was smiling, too. "I AM SORRY IF I ALARMED YOU WITH MY ERRATIC MOVEMENTS, TANGENT. I DO NOT USUALLY MOVE LIKE THAT." "'S o.k...listen, have you seen a CPU around here? Perhaps Yay high and Yee wide with a taste for the sadistic?" "LAST I HEARD, YAYHAI AND YIWAI MERGED AND BECAME YAYIHAIWAI. BUT I AM SURE YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN POINT YOU TO SADISTIC CPUS IN THE HACKER'S ZONE. I CAN HELP YOU FIND IT IF YOU WISH." Shay giggled. "'DID I SAY SOMETHING THAT MIGHT INDUCE SUCH A JOCULAR REACTION?'" quoted Num-num. She laughed feeling very silly at the moment. They turned into a corridor and headed for the Hacker's Zone, Shay laughing at every other word the orb said. "YOU GNOW IT'S VERY HARD TO TALK WITH THESE <> INTHEWAY..." I sat, panting against a wall. "Hey, you rest here and I'll go ahead myself." Seven turned to leave. "No! Don't move, don't think. Sit." Seven regarded me, concerned. "Seven sat and didn't move. I said he had to stop thinking, too. Seven quenched his thoughts to the averge human level of thought. 'Close enough,' I said. 'Now listen.'" Seven hesitated, then sat and didn't move. "You have to stop thinking, too." Seven stood up. "Average human level of thought, indeed!" "Siddown." We stared at eachother, pure defience in Seven's eyes. I sighed. "Fine. I'll say what i was gonna say with you standing up. Just, don't move so much, ok?" Seven nodded. "People use us 'Third Person Omniscient Narrators' all the time. It's a great job and all, but one gets very tired after a time. And now, I'm a TPON and an active character, too! I'm bushed," i finished, picking the Smurfberries off my shirt. "Why don't you just stop narrating for this story?" "To do so would be to surrender my omniscience. I gnow every move Shay makes and to a degree, I can influence them." "To a degree?" Seven said, playing his role as Morris the Explainer's assistant so well that i shivered. "Weirdoes are hard to control, you gnow." /And not to mention unpleasant to control,/ i didn't mention. "Well, get rid of yourself!" "Hey...why didn't i think of that?" /Average human level of thought.../ Seven thought. /People are cruel,/ I thought upon reporting what Seven thought. "Do it already!" BLIP! BLIP! BLOOP!...and the so far nameless, genderless and mindless character disappeared. Shay Pas MOVED FROM "The Weird Place" BY Ghost ON 04/16/94 AT 06:36:08 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 #400. Message # 401. Date: 04/14/94. Time: 13:21:24. Read 69 Times. From : Jehan To : Kilgore Trout Subj : a Roos Quiz! RECEIVED PERMIFIED -Ingly and -Edly are currently caught in an adverbial phase and are slightly intransitive. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 04/17/94 AT 23:38:42 Message # 402. Date: 04/14/94. Time: 06:51:17. Read 79 Times. From : Gravebuster To : Number Two Subj : Prejudice RECEIVED I find that liberals censor people in the name of political correctness. I find that conservatives censor people in the name of family values. Often, people think all conservatives are Christian, but in reality, fundamentalists make up only a small percentage of the conservative community. I find that scientists censor people who believe in creationism. Scientific American is a good example of that. I find that government censors its employees for who gnows what reason. Did you gnow that when Congress jacked up their salaries 50% and banned honoraria for themselves, that they also banned honoraria for all federal employees without giving them a raise, too? This means that no federal employee can profit from a book or a speech, even if its unrelated to their job. The Clinton administration has filed a writ of certiorari with the Supreme Court to prevent an appelate court from overturning that provision. I find that newspapers censor when they select what is news and what isn't news, even though there's no way that any of them can avoid this. I find networks censoring programs because they don't want to deal with the controversy. I find Tipper Gore censoring music because the artists are very graphic with their sexual descriptions, their mysogyny, their violence and because they are very profane. I find I censor when I choose what I'm not going to read, what I'm not going to watch, what I'm not going to listen to. But then again, that seems to be the best censorship to have around. I wish more people would spend more time choosing what they're not going to read, watch or listen to than they do on what others are not going to read, watch or listen to. And yes, I see fundamentalists censoring texts, movies and music because of heresy, blasphemy, immorality, profanity, but mostly because they want to feel important to compensate for their feelings of inferiority. I'm sadden to see this happen. +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY HACK MAN ON 04/19/94 AT 09:27:18 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 403. Date: 04/24/94. Time: 18:18:59. Read 67 Times. From : Mikester To : Stranger Subj : Blah RECEIVED PERMIFIED I finished "Schrodinger's Cat" -- it was quite good. Unfortuately, I returned your copy to a Stranger of a parallel universe. The universe was fairly close to our own, actually -- the only significant difference being that the top ten albums in Billboard were actually good. I only discovered the error moments before I was shunted back to our own universe...right after I returned your book to the alternate universe "Stranger," he flipped through it and said "What's THIS? Where's the Babysitter's Club book I lent you?" Then there was a sudden burst of light, what sounded like a lot of people saying "OOOOOOOOOOOOOHM," then I found myself sprawled on the floor of what I am currently presuming to be my proper universe's 7-11. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 04/25/94 AT 22:01:12 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 404. Date: 04/24/94. Time: 06:10:51. Read 73 Times. From : Stranger To : Acdha Rmiss Subj : Greetings RECEIVED PERMIFIED There is no Obfuscation anywhere. Obfuscation has been renamed "qquam'tempor" (Aldebaranese for "True Wisdom, disguised by a thin but sometimes sightly amusing stupidity.") (The dominant species of Aldebaran is well-gnown for its early espousal of the Dogma of Complex Meaning... The dominant species of Terra, of course is Insect, but they don't give a rat's ass about Complex Meaning, only Obvious Truth, so the Grand Master's Survey Team picked the early hominids to bump & coax into a simulation of intelligence. (The only qualifications were a tremendous need for representative foods from the four food groups and overbearing inane stubbornness. (The Survey Team gnew how hard it was to control those who don't care one way or another, and rightly chose us as the Species that cared about everything.) Stranger (Unfortunately, they didn't realize until too late that primates will always destroy the things about which they care in a subconscious attempt to make sure that nothing will deprive the creature of the things about which he cares! Everyone makes mistakes; all end in fire. (Walk with Me?)) MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY HACK MAN ON 04/29/94 AT 20:53:59 Message # 405. Date: 05/04/94. Time: 11:06:53. Read 60 Times. From : Stranger To : Ghost Subj : uh RECEIVED PERMIFIED No one ever is! Life is a game of Solitaire. Stranger (Used to be called "Patience" ... before the 20th century.) MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 05/05/94 AT 06:57:15 Message # 406. Date: 05/06/94. Time: 12:49:28. Read 67 Times. From : Stranger To : Gravebuster Subj : YO RECEIVED PERMIFIED But... I belong to a non-prophet organization. Stranger MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 05/08/94 AT 13:22:22 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 407. Date: 05/08/94. Time: 20:50:06. Read 63 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Ace of Post PERMIFIED "You listen to this, and be sure to tell me what you think." Gravebuster pressed the Ace of Base compact disc firmly into Mikester's hand. "Okay, Grave, I sure will," Mikester replied. He placed the CD into his Levi Jacket of Many Pockets and headed home to the HOuse of SQuishiness. On his way there, Mikester thought about what an honor it was to be approached for his musical opinion, about what a learning experience this will be to review an album, about that tuna he had for lunch and currently isn't sitting too well. Upon reaching the HOuse of SQuishiness, Mikester passed through the front portal, walked down a dark hall, and entered the SQuishy SAnctum...the room with the computer and the stereo system. It was here, at the locus of all his SQuishy thoughts, that Mikester felt he would be at his most intellectually and musically open, not to mention the fact that this was the only room with a CD player. He placed the Ace of Base CD into the aforementioned CD player, and tapped the "PLAY" button with a mixed feeling of excitement and uneasiness. He had read the discussion on the Retreat about this album, and the attempts to place its genre within the vast musical spectrum. Mikester hoped he was up to the task. The opening notes of the first song throbbed out of Mikester's speakers. Mikester's collection of credit cards and floppy disks shook on top of the speakers in time with the beat. Mikester rested back into his Chair of Thought, and begin to listen. Suddenly, a flash of light obscured Mikester's vision. The Ace of Base CD skipped, then stopped playing altogether. There was what sounded like a thousand people chanting "Keep your feet on the ground..." over and over again. Mikester threw his hands over his ears to keep out the din, and squeezed his eyes shut against the burning bright light. The glow, which appeared red through his eyelids, quickly vanished, as did the chorus of voices. Mikester cautiously opened eyes, and saw a man before him, dressed all in white, with a beatific smile on his face. Mikester, with a slowly dawning feeling of recognition, gazed up at the man and said, "Chris? Chris De Burgh?" The man looked down upon Mikester and replied, "Yes, that is me. As the only remaining man with a copy of my hit single 'Don't Pay the Ferryman,' you have the special power to call upon my spirit for guidance." "But...but you aren't dead!" "Let's not worry about that now...let us ponder the current problem. You are currently preparing to review an album by Ace of Base, are you not?" Mikester dumbly nodded his head. "It seemed to me you were going to form a cruel, quickly formed, and basically ignorant opinion. No, no" -- Chris De Burgh held a hand up against Mikester's not-quite-voiced-but-about-to-be protestations -- "you were going to do nothing that millions of other people have done as well. However, I am here to help you through this time of trouble. Come with me, Mikester...let us examine the nature of music." There was another flash of light, and a sudden spinning sensation, and when Mikester was again aware of his surrounding, he saw not his SQuishy SAnctum, but a vast grassy field. The sky was a brilliant blue, and to Mikester, the air was...was.... Mikester had that feeling of not knowing he was missing something until he was finally exposed to it. The air was much cleaner, much more pleasant smelling. Mikester did not think of air as having smell, but smell it did, sweet and clean. Mikester pulled himself away from his contemplation of his surroundings, and asked Chris De Burgh, "Where are we?" Chris simply extended an arm and pointed over Mikester's shoulder. Mikester turned around and saw that Chris De Burgh was pointing at a naked man, covered with hair, with a sloping brow, squatting in the long grass. Mikester recognized the man as a predecessor to the modern Homo Sapiens. The caveman, as Mikester thought of him for the lack of a better term, was lifting a rock in one burly fist, and bringing it down against a rock on the ground before him. Each time the rocks connected, a large cracking sound was made. Keeping in time, between each crack, the caveman grunted out a short incoherent syllable. "What do you see?" asked Chris De Burgh. "I see a hairy man pounding on a rock." "No, no," said Chris, shaking his head. "You see Music, at its most basic form. Music is more than slick production...it is an expression of what one is feeling, of what is deepmost within a person's heart. This caveman maybe be happy about good weather, sad over poor hunting, or just thankful that he's lived through another day. He releases his feeling through the noise he is making...that sound is his emotion given voice in a way that he cannot voice himself." "Oh, I think I see...." "Let's take a look at something else...." said Chris De Burgh, and there was another burst of light. Mikester then found himself at a rock concert. Men with long hair cavorted on the stage, and kids with equally long hair banged their heads back and forth in time with the beat. Onstage, the singer screamed into his microphone, eyes clenched and sweat glistening over his entire body. The drummer threw his arms about him, seemingly randomly, and pounded out a heavy beat that made Mikester regret even more the tuna he had for lunch. "What do you see?" asked Chris De Burgh. "I see a hairy man pounding on a rock." "Very funny," said Chris. "This too, is Music. This is adolescent rage and rebellion, expressed in the angered tones of both the singer and the music. This isn't just noise," said Chris De Burgh, noticing Mikester's distaste for the performance, "this is emotional expression. You can not just disregard Music simply because it takes a form you find distasteful. You may not care for how the message is conveyed, and you may not care for the message itself, but you should at least have a measure of respect for the emotions that are expressed." Then there was another burst of light, and Mikester found himself back in the SQuishy SAnctum. He looked up at Chris De Burgh and said, "So, what you are saying is, 'Do not belittle others for the way they express themselves?' " Chris De Burgh stroked his chin with his hand, and seemed to ponder what Mikester had just said. "Well," he said after a minute or so, "sure, why not. That's close enough. Remember that lesson well, young Mikester, as you listen to this Ace of Base CD. Do not consider it to be less than Music because you find it to have an unpleasant beat. Respect it as any other form of communication, and respect it as another human being's method of expression." And with that said, Chris De Burgh began to glow from within, blinding Mikester with white brilliance. "Wait!" shouted Mikester. "I also have a Shaun Cassidy 'Do Run Run" single...what power does that grant me?" Mikester heard Chris De Burgh's reply, though he could no longer see him: "I came to you despite your owning that...don't push your luck." Then the chorus of voices returned, and began to chant "...And keep reaching for the stars!" and suddenly, the voices and light were gone. Dazed by his experience, Mikester simply pressed "PLAY" on his CD player, and sat back to listen to the Ace of Base. *** The next day, Mikester made the journey to Gravebuster's Tomb to return the CD. "Here you, Grave," said Mikester in too-familiar of a fashion, as he passed the CD from out of his Levi Jacket of Many Pockets and into Gravebuster's hand. "I listened to it last night." "And what did you think of it?" queried Gravebuster. "It sucked, mostly," Mikester replied. MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY Gravebuster ON 05/08/94 AT 21:03:45 Comments : HAHAHA=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 410. Date: 05/05/94. Time: 00:39:00. Read 69 Times. From : Stranger To : BOgRIders Subj : You gnow PERMIFIED It's a dirty JOb. ST.ranger ><-ile, BAron BOg, TAndy LAma, LOrd APathy KNower of the THings WHich JUst aren't TRue FEeler of the SQuishy THings, & STuff PAtron of the FLowering SQuish, GRand BOgatrix of the Aberdeen Wa-wa and FAithful Defender of the BEard THrone, etc etc etc etc etc. MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY HACK MAN ON 05/16/94 AT 14:54:26 Comments : DOINK=1 #410. Message # 411. Date: 05/06/94. Time: 08:53:10. Read 71 Times. From : Mikester To : Stranger Subj : You gnow RECEIVED PERMIFIED Indeed it is. You have inspired me to go back to my sub and seek out that which is BOgworthy. --BAronet BOg FOunder of SQuishiness Patron Saint of Comics BObber upon the BOg He Who Lacks A Beard, But Maintains A Constant State of Unshavenness MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY HACK MAN ON 05/16/94 AT 14:55:04 Message # 412. Date: 05/11/94. Time: 23:19:52. Read 75 Times. From : Mikester To : Frogie Man Subj : Look what I found RECEIVED PERMIFIED Here's a little help. help Here's a great big help. HH HH HHHHHHHHHHH HH HHHHHHHHHHH HH HH HHHHHHHHHHH HH HHHHHHHHHHH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHH HH HHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHH HH HHHHHHHHHHH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHH HH HH HH HHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHH HH --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 05/17/94 AT 09:14:21 Comments : GROAN.=1 Message # 413. Date: 05/17/94. Time: 20:35:29. Read 66 Times. From : Mikester To : Oxnardus Subj : Wooba wooba RECEIVED PERMIFIED Dr. Pepper lost his license in a malpractice suit. 7-Up was going through its Uncola operation, when Dr. Pepper, with a slip of the scalpel, cut off 7-Up's Tab. A Coke and a smile wasn't enough to satisfy 7-Up's pain, so Dr. Pepper had to pay for it with his career. A sad end for Dr. Pepper. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 05/21/94 AT 16:41:23 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 414. Date: 05/02/94. Time: 02:11:56. Read 103 Times. From : Stranger To : Frogie Man Subj : darn RECEIVED PERMIFIED go away stranger (naysayer) MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 05/02/94 AT 06:55:06 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Stranger ON 05/02/94 AT 21:39:37 MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 05/03/94 AT 07:58:25 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Stranger ON 05/03/94 AT 19:58:11 MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 05/03/94 AT 22:42:12 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Stranger ON 05/04/94 AT 11:08:26 MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 05/05/94 AT 06:57:02 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Stranger ON 05/05/94 AT 11:58:52 MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 05/05/94 AT 14:07:12 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Stranger ON 05/05/94 AT 21:42:05 MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 05/21/94 AT 17:12:52 Comments : BOG ME=1 Message # 415. Date: 05/14/94. Time: 13:49:47. Read 66 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Mikester Subj : A Computerized Quandary RECEIVED PERMIFIED NO. IF YOU HAD A FASTER COMPUTER YOU WOULD GET MORE GOOFING OFF DONE IN THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME. C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 05/21/94 AT 23:44:25 Message # 416. Date: 05/06/94. Time: 22:13:05. Read 70 Times. From : Ghost To : Oxnardus Subj : Sucking RECEIVED PERMIFIED Do poants live in a pohouse? Do poants call their bathroom a podunk? Do poants keep their doors shut with a pollock? Do poants entertain with a pollute? Do poants turn on a polite at night? I guess no more poant jokes should be pomade. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 05/21/94 AT 23:47:13 Message # 417. Date: 05/20/94. Time: 08:52:30. Read 83 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : PSA | \ | \ | \ \ | \ \ | | | | | | <-------- your ass | / / | / / | | | ------------ / \ <-------- a hole in the ground \ / ------------ This has been a public service announcement. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 05/24/94 AT 13:00:57 Comments : ARGH!=1 BLAH=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 418. Date: 05/17/94. Time: 00:17:24. Read 99 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Wooba wooba PERMIFIED It's one of those days. I'm tired. Letterman is playing on the television behind me. I'm tired. There's a soda sitting on my desk next to my keyboard. It is slowly growing warm. My back hurts. What time is it? There's a television sitting on my desk next to my keyboard. It's one of those sodas. Letterman is playing on the keyboard behind me. I have to go to work tomorrow. My soda hurts. It's one of those hurts. I'm tired. I have a pile of books I still need to read. There's a pile of books sitting on my television next to my back. What soda is it? My keyboard is slowly sitting. One of those days is playing on the television behind me. It is slowly growing warm. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 05/18/94 AT 12:19:46 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY HACK MAN ON 05/24/94 AT 22:39:07 Comments : ZZZZZZZ=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 419. Date: 05/23/94. Time: Anytime. Read 67 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : all Subj : well, this seems like as good a place as any to put it PERMIFIED There she sits, Her golden hair and flawless face Daring me to speak to her. What to say? I cannot just walk up to her and ask her for a date. Does she know? Has she guessed that I sit here, Dreaming of what may be? њљАБВлCarpe NoctemлВБАљњ Т ГINXED Рй њљАБВлCarpe DiemлВБАљњ MOVED FROM "Love" BY HACK MAN ON 05/25/94 AT 19:06:55 Comments : WAY!=1 Message # 420. Date: 05/17/94. Time: 09:10:00. Read 69 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Grazz't Subj : Tattoo's RECEIVED PERMIFIED LIFE IS DIVIDED INTO HOURS, AND YOU HAVE TO USE MOST OF THEM UP SECURING YOUR POSITION SO THAT YOU CAN SPEND THE REMAINING 2 OR 3 PER DAY DOING WHATEVER YOU WANT. C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 05/27/94 AT 00:11:02 #420. Message # 421. Date: 05/28/94. Time: 13:32:39. Read 63 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : On the subject of nothing PERMIFIED Some posts are too short. Some posts are too long. Some posts are too true. Some posts are too false. Some posts are too meaningless. Some posts are too blah. Some posts aren't blah enough. Some posts are not slack enough at all. On me, some posts leave a pall. Some posts have no rhythm meter or rhyme, while others make repetitive use of these all the time. In fact, some posts make me sick with ingenuous use of many a trick; others leave me baldly gnowing nothing else matters, while their brethren next sub are nothing but patter. Some posts really really really misuse rhyme, not to mention being redundant. Some posts are redundant. I would love to see a day when all posts are free, free to roam the information superglubway. But maybe not, there could be postal rebellion, and a disgruntled post is nothing to laugh at, unless it's funny. Some posts are funny. Some posts are meant to be funny, but in actuality, aren't at all. Some posts have way too many commas while others don't have quite enough. Some posts are unevenly margined, and others are evenly so. Some posts are boring. Some posts bore you even while you type them. Some posts threaten to kill your family and rape your dog. Some dogs threaten to kill your posts and rape your family. Some families post your dog and rape your threats. But that doesn't matter. Some posts seem to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on but they eventually stop. And some posts seem to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and don't stop, much like this one would if I could remember how to go into Infinite Mode, or even if I wasnt too slack to look it up in the drawer that's right next to me, or if say GOD were to suddenly give it infinity but that's not going to happen so why blather about it? Some posts are actually just long irritating questions. Some posts are long irritating answers. Some posts are merely long and irritating. Some of the best things in the world are long and irritating, like giant carrots covered with red fire ants. But most posts aren't like that. Some posts are too strange. Some posts aren't strange enough. Some posts belong in the BOg, but not this one, because I'm going to permify it. Unless I am already too slack to even do that. Uh oh, I'm not sure I can even stop posting this I'm outta control man ahh please hel USER REMOVED BY SLACK MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY HACK MAN ON 05/29/94 AT 14:05:34 Comments : HUH?=1 Message # 422. Date: 05/27/94. Time: 12:29:01. Read 66 Times. From : Shay Pas To : all Subj : blahblahblah PERMIFIED m'essay section of an application for a two-week stay at the luxurous UCSB campus: the question "Why is acedmeic preparation in high school important, and if accepted, what are your expectations of the Summer Acedemic Institution?" (please excuse any pressure-induced bullcrap i might spew) As the school year's end approaches, i wonder why i don't see the Huneme Seniors running around the campus in constant panic. It seems that the early morning return from Grad Night at Disneyland, you would be dropped off at the Real World Transportation Center with a transfer ticket, a bus schedule ,a good luck handshake and whatever you came with. You could check your luggage at the station and take the bus to Partyland, getting a transfer after riding all the rides there. Or, keep your luggage and go to Jobland or even CareerWorld. The route that i'm looking at is heading towards Collegeland. During m'stay, i would pick up more souvenirs to put in my suitcase and hopefully, figure out what to do with the luggage i have amassed. Acedemic preparation...blahblahblahspewspewspew. I'm hoping that S.A.I. will give me an inkling of the rides at Collegeland and tell me exactly how many pairs of underwear to pack. Shay Pas (mE? NeRvOUs aBOut tHe FuTurE? NaH...) MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT" BY HACK MAN ON 05/29/94 AT 14:26:37 Message # 423. Date: 05/26/94. Time: 22:14:47. Read 77 Times. From : Mikester To : Mojo IV Subj : Post 2200 RECEIVED PERMIFIED I must dive deep into the BOg then, and see if I can't retrieve these lost posts. Who's with me? "I am!" shouted Mojo. "I gnew you would be, faithful SLug!" Mikester looked at the motley collection of scallywags and rastabouts the crowded the deck of the ship. "As good of a mate Mojo is, I'm gonna need more! Who's with me?" One fellow near the rear of the crowd, wearing an eyepatch on his shoulder and a parrot on his eye, yelled out, "Arrrrrrr! There be any treasure innit for us, cap'n?" The rest of the crowd began hooting and shouting -- they too wanted to gnow what was in it for them. "There is the treasure of gnowledge and the regaining of that part of history long since lost!" replied Mikester, who then noticed that the crowd didn't seem to interested in gnowledge for gnowledge's sake. Mikester quickly added, "Oh, yeah...there's...uh...chests full of gold and stuff too!" The pirates then shouted for joy and began pressing closer to Mikester, trying to gain favorable positions on the expedition. Soon, the diving crew was selected. Mikester (of course), his trusted first mate Mojo, the nefarious Stranger, and the mysterious Shade, who, ungnown to him, would be used as a sacrifice to appease the mighty BOgLOrd should the expedition happen upon the BEarded guardian of the BOg. Entering the diving bell, they quickly descended. (Many technical details have been quickly glossed over, because I have no idea what would be entailed in such an expedition. Give me a break, okay? I'm just trying to tell a story here.) Lower and lower into the dark reaches of the BOg sank the four men...the BOg, dark as it was at the top, was an absolute pitch black here near the bottom. It was really black. I mean, black. Like tar, almost. Trust me on this...it was darn black. Anyhoo...the diving bell suddenly lurched downward, a startling movement given the thick, gooey substance of the BOg. From outside the bell a bright light shone, and Stranger, looking outside, shouted "Hey! We're in some kind of cave! There's torches and stuff." Mikester, having confirmed what Stranger saw, decided to disembark. The four men gathered outside of the bell, and looked up to see the BOgstuff swirling about outside of the cave, but not passing through the entrance. "Huh," thought Mojo, "I wonder how that works." "It works that way because that is what I wish." The crew whirled around at the sound of the voice, and were confronted by a man with flowing red hair and a long pointy beard. "I am the BOgLOrd. Welcome to my home." "Er...uh..." said Mikester. He pushed Shade toward the BOgLOrd. "Look, I brought this fellow with us. You can eat him if you want." "Hey...what!?" said Shade. "No no no..." said the BOgLOrd. "I have all I can eat down here." "Uh..." replied Mikester, with a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach, "what is it exactly that you eat down here?" The BOgLOrd smiled his bearded smile and replied "Why, old posts, of course. If I didn't, the BOg would swirl up and over the rest of the world, sucking it into a SQuishy vortex. Why, is that a problem?" "Uh, no," Mikester replied. "Um...you wouldn't happen to have any chests of gold lying around, do you?" "I have this Special Beat album you can have." "Thanks, anyways," replied Mikester, and then the story suddenly ended, because I ran out of things to say. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 05/29/94 AT 14:39:18 Comments : HAHAHA=2 OBFUSCATED=23 PROMOTE ME=5 Message # 424. Date: 05/28/94. Time: 12:22:07. Read 58 Times. From : Stranger To : Oxnardus Subj : pas RECEIVED PERMIFIED Nuts and dolts hold the universe together. Stranger MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 05/29/94 AT 15:30:49 Message # 425. Date: 05/28/94. Time: 16:56:38. Read 68 Times. From : Stranger To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : names RECEIVED PERMIFIED SQUISH! Stranger MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 05/29/94 AT 13:30:59 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 05/29/94 AT 18:31:06 Comments : BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 426. Date: 04/30/94. Time: 06:57:48. Read 67 Times. From : Gravebuster To : Mikester Subj : ... RECEIVED Once upon a midnight's chiming, while I pondered scallops priming In my very quaint and curious cauldron boiling till it sheened. While I nodded, midst this rhyming, suddenly I heard a griming, As of something fiercely sliming, sliming on the door I cleaned. Who would slime and fizz and such upon my door until it greened? Quoth the Mojo "You... You FFFFIIIIEEEENNNNDDDD!!!!" +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Arwen Undomiel ON 05/30/94 AT 00:09:07 Comments : HAHAHA=1 ARGH!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 427. Date: 05/29/94. Time: 18:38:51. Read 59 Times. From : Mikester To : Stranger Subj : darn RECEIVED PERMIFIED It has long been my belief that all people, regardless of race, creed, or religion, are equally silly. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 05/30/94 AT 13:15:28 Message # 429. Date: 08/16/89. Time: 21:09:23. Read 132 Times. From : Lynx To : All Subj : HAHAHA How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? They won't touch it, it's a hardware problem. Lynx MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Enemies of Lynx, Inc. ON 06/01/94 AT 18:03:28 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Lynx ON 06/01/94 AT 23:42:56 Comments : BOG ME=1 Message # 433. Date: 06/01/94. Time: 19:19:52. Read 72 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Mojo and Mikester PERMIFIED MOJO MIKESTER Owns an IBM Owns a Macintosh Is a sysop Is but a lowly user Has a luxurious mane of hair Has a fine camel hair toupee Favorite comic artist: Favorite comic artist: Alan Davis Evan Dorkin RIdes the BOg BObs on the BOg Foremost supporter of SQuishiness FOunder of SQuishiness Once lived in Washington Once lived near Washington, DC Generous to charities Steals from widows and orphans Is a fairly quick typist Can type quickly, but anal about spelling Writes very strange posts Writes strange and pointless posts MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 06/02/94 AT 11:33:21 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 434. Date: 05/17/94. Time: 00:17:24. Read 162 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Wooba wooba PERMIFIED It's one of those days. I'm tired. Letterman is playing on the television behind me. I'm tired. There's a soda sitting on my desk next to my keyboard. It is slowly growing warm. My back hurts. What time is it? There's a television sitting on my desk next to my keyboard. It's one of those sodas. Letterman is playing on the keyboard behind me. I have to go to work tomorrow. My soda hurts. It's one of those hurts. I'm tired. I have a pile of books I still need to read. There's a pile of books sitting on my television next to my back. What soda is it? My keyboard is slowly sitting. One of those days is playing on the television behind me. It is slowly growing warm. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 05/18/94 AT 12:19:46 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Lynx ON 05/25/94 AT 23:59:36 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Stranger ON 05/26/94 AT 01:34:06 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Lynx ON 05/27/94 AT 00:37:45 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Enemies of Lynx, Inc. ON 06/01/94 AT 18:11:28 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Lynx ON 06/01/94 AT 23:47:58 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Stranger ON 06/02/94 AT 10:43:20 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Lynx ON 06/02/94 AT 23:29:21 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 06/03/94 AT 11:14:03 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Number Two ON 06/03/94 AT 13:07:42 Comments : HAHAHA=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 ARGH!=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 435. Date: 06/03/94. Time: 11:44:04. Read 69 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : A Joke Geometrique PERMIFIED Rene Descarte went into a restaurant. He ordered a bowl of soup, and it was wonderful. What a great meal he had enjoyed. A waiter came up to him and asked, "Monsieur, would you like any dessert?" Descarte replied, "I think not." And promptly disappeared. Stranger (Wooba Wooba) MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 06/05/94 AT 23:38:43 Comments : HUH?=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 436. Date: 06/02/94. Time: 12:09:08. Read 72 Times. From : Stranger To : Blau Reiders/Ann Otherworld Subj : "hung in desperation" RECEIVED PERMIFIED black emotions hide goblins and elves and other nighttime infestations. pass the stone (the other way this time) how could you cross my line how could you miss the sign how could you? the finest ropes are made of despair. am I hung in desperation? unmanned missions are least satisfactory--- but the moon is myth, nothing but airless void up here down there, the fires of Truth and the ice of small deaths. Stranger ><-ile, Monsignor Lord Apathy Undulatis El Strango -=OBFUSCATE=- (DOINK!) MOVED FROM "The Demented Herbarium" BY HACK MAN ON 06/10/94 AT 16:36:35 Comments : WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 437. Date: 06/17/94. Time: 03:00:32. Read 58 Times. From : Stranger To : found Subj : lost PERMIFIED left alone to flower fruitlessly terminally ignored and raised hopelessly a million giant termites dance and feed as irrational equations hungrily plead maybe sometimes truth will intervene but until then only fantasy is seen a tribe of lights march and fluoresce as their luminary wounded convalesce you can close your eyes but you can't escape spiritual bonds hold while physical ones gape collect the halos of a million exiled saints free the sequoias from their restraints you've been insane since before you were born your resistance is weak, your patience torn the seditious seagulls dance and petition and autistic visions revel in repetition. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 06/17/94 AT 10:14:46 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 438. Date: 05/29/94. Time: 10:04:12. Read 68 Times. From : Number Two To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : ASS! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Didn't you know? Hack Man is one of the few real users here. Everyone else (well except for you, of course) is an alter ego, false identity, a sham. He does it so people wil lthink his board is interesting and people will call here. It works very little of the time, so he just continues on having conversations with us. You know what's funny? He has become so good at it that there is no discrepancy of personality. Is it live or is it Hackorex...... Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 06/18/94 AT 16:33:01 Comments : HAHAHA=100 BRAVO!=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 439. Date: 06/04/94. Time: 04:37:23. Read 69 Times. From : Stranger To : Oxnardus Subj : You Gnow... RECEIVED PERMIFIED Wow, thanks, I love being called a god, even if a techie prefix like "sys" is appended to its forequarters. I think I might prefer something along the lines of, oh, um, Dionysius Evohe Trismegistos, but it'd be a disappointing world if we actually got everything that we thought we wanted. I also wouldn't mind being Goddess for a day, but definitely not a millenium, because I definitely couldn't handle yearly periods or giving birth to cosmic ideas through metaphoric vulvas and other Goddess-connected activity of that sort. Hmm, unless I were Eris. She doesn't have to bother with all of the slightly insulting metaphor-myth-stories of being the producer of life and all that rot. She just gets to go and throw around a golden apple with the word "kallisti" on it, and cause all sorts of discord. That would be a great life. Hmm, no nevermind, I think I'll give up my aspirations for Godhood, because there's no way that Radio Shack would give me that much time off; divinity is a rather time-consuming (sidenote: does anyone but me find the word "time-consuming" a little, well you gnow, beautiful? I'm not sure why I'm attracted to the idea of the infinite being eaten. (Mental note: make sure to look into this new idea.)) Hmm, I just had sort of a tangential thought for me, one I've never really even bothered mulling over: is the very idea of a Goddess subtly (archetypically) degrading to women? By imagining a goddess, what you are actually doing is projecting your ideas of the perfect woman, just as many gods throughout time, until the recent antisceptic age, were just projected images of masculinity. Is it insulting to women to portray the archetypical feminine-divine-force as the Mother? There's no reason anymore that we should consider the woman's most divine characteristic that of giving birth--that only forces societally created gender roles on a whole half of society (the female one), whereas worshipping an "all-male" masculine-divine-force is also forcing societally constructed gender ideas of what appropriate maleness is. Perhaps unisexuality is the only way to understand "GOD". Uh oh, I just realized I could argue the exact opposite way and believe it just as much. Damn it, there are way way too many double-sided metaphors nowadays. Forget it, I hate philosophy. I think I'll be an atheist-- I just can't justify my paganism in light of its inherent fascist conformist sexism. Ugh, no I can't do that--- I wouldn't really have an excuse to dance naked under trees anymore without paganism. No one likes a hedonist, but blame it on God, and you get to join the Club. Stranger, ex-ile MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 06/21/94 AT 04:21:26 Comments : WOW!=1 OH MY GOD!=1 Message # 440. Date: 06/04/94. Time: 21:01:51. Read 60 Times. From : The Music Man To : GOD. Subj : PERMIFIED If I wanted to talk to God, I'd get down on my knees an pray. Otherwise, the novelty of being greeted by something called "God" has faded into a dull awareness of the fact that God was actually deleted from the board years ago after the penguin incident of 89, his handle preserved only to serve as a reminder to those of us that there are some people who would actually try to pull off logging on as God so that they can amuse themselves and others who actually consider it a novel idea, and even go as far as to expend precious time searching for God's password in hopes that logging on as God might actually make them special or something. I dare suspect that some people actually believe that they can pull off some kind of hoax or something, and fake people into believing that a divine entity logged on and actually said Hello to them. Personally, I don't think God would waste the toll charges just to call here and say hello to everyone when he has a valid account on internet and a calling card with Satan's name on it. He would probably find a larger audience there, not to mention access to a vast database of information containing very little obfuscation. Being that this is the case, you might as well give up and impersonate something less capable of obliterating your existence altogether out of jealous spite and boredom. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 06/21/94 AT 04:53:10 #440. Message # 441. Date: 06/05/94. Time: 01:07:58. Read 59 Times. From : The Music Man To : Lynx Subj : DOINK! RECEIVED PERMIFIED The designation of labels such as stupid and meaningless are value judgements limited to subjective responses, which when combined with a complaint based on the competitive nature of top ten lists reflects jealousy and an underlying pettiness not unlike whining for the sake of whining. That's my job. This antagonistic name calling is below you, but if you're gonna do it, at least do it indescriminately like I do, lest somebody develop the impression that you are picking on them for some particular reason. Besides, we are all guilty of leaving stupid and meaningless posts, so if you're gonna pick on somebody, pick on the upstarts. Conflicts in the ranks are uncool! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 06/21/94 AT 04:57:46 Message # 442. Date: 06/06/94. Time: 07:34:37. Read 65 Times. From : The Music Man To : Ghost Subj : Are You Mad About Something? RECEIVED PERMIFIED Well, being that I am the aforementioned "next man", I feel that I have a right to bear witness to my own unconventionalisms in contest of your reasons which falsly places yourself above me in an extreme which I must profess to be held by me, despite the fact that you propel dangerous tools through the air in an attempt to prove something. I navigate powermowers through the stratosphere at speeds surpassing that of sound, and I can shoot down a hacksaw from miles away. Just last weekend I took out a pair of garden shears attempting to enter international airspace without clearance. I take my work seriously, and will not be out extremed by an immaterial amateur floating around on some old hacksaw! Now if you were to install one of those Harrier Jump Jet Conversion Kits and maneuver the saw through a Jack In The Box drive-thru without instilling panic into the hearts of the employees when they look right through you at the hacksaw which apparently just ordered a Jumbo Jack, then you might be considered for an honorable mention, but if you cannot even confirm personal experience in the liberation of powertools through the more scenic sections of our solar system, then you might want to consider the superior advantages of industrial machinery as an alternative to the outdated tradition of astral projection. Let go of all that primative technology, the only way to make an impact in this day and age is to go with the more advances technology. With the right modifications, you could easily become a cyberspook! Free yourself from your antiqued dependancy upon old fashioned incarnations and throw out your tools of an ancient age gone by. Gaseous Manifestations are a dying breed, your only hope is to go techno! Relinquish your soul to the source code while you still have a chance, lest some religious fanatic locates you first and exorcises you! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 06/21/94 AT 05:06:53 Comments : WOW!=1 Message # 443. Date: 06/04/94. Time: 21:01:51. Read 64 Times. From : The Music Man To : GOD. Subj : PERMIFIED If I wanted to talk to God, I'd get down on my knees an pray. Otherwise, the novelty of being greeted by something called "God" has faded into a dull awareness of the fact that God was actually deleted from the board years ago after the penguin incident of 89, his handle preserved only to serve as a reminder to those of us that there are some people who would actually try to pull off logging on as God so that they can amuse themselves and others who actually consider it a novel idea, and even go as far as to expend precious time searching for God's password in hopes that logging on as God might actually make them special or something. I dare suspect that some people actually believe that they can pull off some kind of hoax or something, and fake people into believing that a divine entity logged on and actually said Hello to them. Personally, I don't think God would waste the toll charges just to call here and say hello to everyone when he has a valid account on internet and a calling card with Satan's name on it. He would probably find a larger audience there, not to mention access to a vast database of information containing very little obfuscation. Being that this is the case, you might as well give up and impersonate something less capable of obliterating your existence altogether out of jealous spite and boredom. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Arwen Undomiel ON 06/26/94 AT 00:21:11 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 444. Date: 06/21/94. Time: 13:14:24. Read 80 Times. From : Mojo IV To : ALL Subj : Huxley and Junipart PERMIFIED FORWARDED BY Mojo IV But in the autumn twilight did the blue orc with red suspenders and a man named larry go and be with one and the other who never knew why but continued to find that only in Jersey could one find true happiness. In the off season. Near the East River. But forthought was not occasion and the land was unextended when the billy goats got loose and ate the station master, a girl named Iva Lot went don't to Freeman's Dock and found a pair of red suspenders once belonging to Robin Williams. And a man. But later one that day she skipped across the plains that are and were and might be still as the Heartland and the Lowland and the Inbetween of Gilbert's great and long last resting place. My mother was a good cook, as many could tell to look at me, and the past was lost to whom it had to fall. Or fell. But in the world that I know the men weren't quite as tall and the leaves on the maple and hickory glowed in a vibrant orange in the autumn twilight of my home. The desert scrub stood proud and tall, dejected by loneliness and rejected by the rains of Spring and doomed forever to wait for the one who'll come to wake the dragon and herd the trees to safety from the coming, dooming flood. But even as I wait and ponder the world stands and waits with them, wondering why. The world is ringing bells of warning for the blue orc and his brothers helper. Why in hell it is I do not know. Mojo IV, 1994 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 06/27/94 AT 23:30:57 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 445. Date: 06/15/94. Time: 14:43:55. Read 71 Times. From : Stranger To : Jehan Subj : A purpose? RECEIVED PERMIFIED all hearts should be Cupped gently, held in liquid gold and filled with illumination. Strangers MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 06/27/94 AT 23:35:02 Message # 446. Date: 06/24/94. Time: 21:05:39. Read 98 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Welcome, new user! PERMIFIED The connection was made; the place that was not a place had appeared on the monitor. The caller wandered in, and gazed upon the main menu. Puzzled, the caller pondered such menu entries as "Tip the Bell Captain" and "Quote-o- matic," while not gathering the courage to try out these particular commands. Instead, the caller pressed the "M" key, trying for something familiar -- messages and discussions. The hall was long and worn. Obviously, many people passed this way each and every day, though there was no one present in the hall at this particular moment. Doors lined the hall, and the caller gazed upon the first door to see if any clues could be gathered as to what the door, when opened, would reveal. The first door was marked "The Tavern," which was understandable enough...the caller, though fairly young, had a pretty good idea what a tavern was like (the caller had watched "Cheers," after all). Some of the other doors were not so revealing with the legends that they bore. "The Obfusatoreum of Obfuscated Obfuscations (Obfuscated!);" "The BOg of Eternal Stench;" "Pneumatic Roos." What in God's name was "Pneumatic Roos?" Both puzzled and excited, the doors suggested to the caller possibilities not often offered by other places that weren't really places. The caller wandered about some more, pausing only a moment to gaze at the dust-covered and cobweb-caked door marked "Courtroom," then explored within some of the rooms themselves. "Gnow" "Hackintosh" "Boating accident" "ACK!" "DOINK!" "peggy" "obfuscate!" "BOg" "B L A H" "Weird" "Big Toe" "penguin" "3.14159...." The caller felt out of place. It was quite a lot to absorb, after all. However, this was not discouraging. It was, instead, attractive in a way. There was a mystery here, a sense of more going on than one might readily expect. The obscure was celebrated, and the common was made unusual. The users of the past appeared about this new user...names that have long faded from the Retreat, but are still alive in the words that they typed. "Typan." "peggy." "Dillinger." The caller was surrounded by the names of those who remained extant, and the caller shouted to them, "I am here! I wish to be one of you!" "WAY!" shouted Lynx. "NO WAY!" retorted Acdha Rmiss. "HAHAHA" laughed Ann Otherworld. "RASPBERRYS" blew Shade. "BLOWS!" heckled Bucko. "OBFUSCATED" commented Ghost. "HUH?" queried Oxnardus. "DOINK" doinked HACK MAN. "WHO CARES" sighed KEN. "BRAVO!" applauded Jehan. "ZZZZZZZ" snored the Music Man. "GROAN" groaned Nip. "GIVE ME A BREAK!" criticized Gravebuster. "ARGH!" recoiled Mojo IV. A"OUCH!" sputtered Tellura. "WOW!" exclaimed Shay Pas. "OH MY GOD!" hollered Mikester. "BLAH" muttered Stranger. "BOG ME" commanded Number Two. "PROMOTE ME" said no one in particular. The caller was startled by the reaction, but not frightened away. The caller had sent a message -- a response was given. There was a place for someone new here in this place that wasn't really a place. The overwhelming tide of messages, tales, jokes, fights, nonsense, poetry, more more more all coming together as one vast electronic wave the caller attempted to swim. Years of information gathered by many were here for the taking, and even the newest caller could add to the vast archives. The caller was one more drop of water. One more page in a book. One more grunt in an army. But that one small part of something so big can change the course of its host, leading it to something different and unexperienced, guiding not only the path of the place that was not a place, but the paths of those who also called the place into their own homes, onto their own monitors. The world grows smaller. Welcome, new user. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 07/01/94 AT 11:23:00 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=1 RASPBERRYS=1 DOINK=1749 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=103 Message # 447. Date: 07/02/94. Time: 12:20:50. Read 59 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Frequently asked questions without frequently answered answers What does doink mean? What does SQuish mean? What does ack mean? What does bink mean? What does semprini mean? What is a BOg? What does obfuscate mean? How come you capitalize the first two letters of some words? Who wrote the book of love? What does this button do? Who is Racer X? Who is the Pi Guy? What is my password? What is YOUR password? Why is that name flashing? What does it all mean, Mr. Natural? What does Bog me = 5 mean? What is the deal with HACK MAN's big toe? What grave did Gravebuster bust into? Why was Stranger ><-iled? What did Stranger lose in the boating accident? Where are the warez, d00d? Who are you, who who, who who? What BBS is this? Where are the onliners? Where is the Internet connection? Why a duck? Why a penguin? What is with the number 23? Who keeps bogging my posts? Who is the Evil Beard Lord? What time is it? What is my access? What's the frequency, Kenneth? What does tipping the Bell Captain do? What does the Bell Captain do with all his tips? Who is candy, really? Who are the Illuminati? What does defenestrate mean? What does raboof mean? How do I post? How do I edit a post? How do I scan for new messages? How do I save a message? Like this. .s MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/02/94 AT 13:52:49 Message # 448. Date: 06/14/94. Time: 07:48:04. Read 67 Times. From : Ghost To : Number Two Subj : stuff RECEIVED PERMIFIED Even when all we strive to illuminate is the dark corners of our own minds? The candle, once lit, is easily blown out, but remembered, the memory alone can light the last cobwebby alcove of fading mortality. Else we'd all settle for marmalade. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 07/02/94 AT 11:42:28 Message # 449. Date: 06/20/94. Time: 00:14:38. Read 66 Times. From : Ghost To : Gravebuster Subj : A shameless plug RECEIVED PERMIFIED The standards that drive the system were developed by the minds of the Age of Reason, who unreasonably had faith in the perfectibility of man and his creations. Their ideals were the yardstick used to measure out the limits of the institution we call government. To actually set out to create a form of self-government was and is an experiment of absolutely breathtaking optimism. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 07/02/94 AT 12:40:07 Message # 450. Date: 06/22/94. Time: 22:15:11. Read 75 Times. From : Gravebuster To : Number Two Subj : and slowly the nun bleached her dog RECEIVED PERMIFIED Well, I'm sorry that the motivation of Stranger as concerning the obliteration of the universe as we gnow it by the simultaneous presence of both of us in the same general location is so difficult for you to express through the electronic media that you have decided such explanantion is not worth the effort. However, neither do I, for that matter. Alas, the subject shall be released of its importance, and no one will ever understand why they convert from obliviousness to oblivion. Oh, well, on to oblivescence. +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 07/02/94 AT 12:58:37 #450. Message # 451. Date: 06/25/94. Time: 20:00:35. Read 93 Times. From : KEn To : all Subj : demons while i wake PERMIFIED would that I could summon the demons to take this curse from me, I dont gnow if I would. I listen to Bloddletting as these things fly in and out of my head teling me these things that I shouldn't gnow. My teeth grow sharp as the beast that was once my formal self begins to emerge,, TAKE THIS CURSE from me as I cannot live with the taste upon my lips. I look at those who would lead normal lives and wonder whonormal I appear, if my teeth can be seen if only for an instant, or the smell of blood can be smelled upon my breath..... Take this pain from as I can no longer care who it is I eat.... I REmain MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 07/02/94 AT 13:27:18 Comments : OBFUSCATED=3 WOW!=2 Message # 452. Date: 07/02/94. Time: 10:55:02. Read 64 Times. From : Aleric To : wintermute Subj : Hello RECEIVED PERMIFIED Okay...it takes too much effort to be normal anyway. -Aleric MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Stranger ON 07/02/94 AT 14:52:10 Message # 453. Date: 03/21/94. Time: 02:38:19. Read 89 Times. From : Arwen Undomiel To : Mojo IV Subj : Directly RECEIVED PERMIFIED Arwen lights on the bar, resting during a lull in usually busy dinner hour at Falco's. This hour hasn't been the same since Stranger instilled a lust for "Blah!" in what was once Happy Hour. The cherub polishes the glasses while Muffin Man sleeps soundly in a pi-rub backpack between his mother's wings. Movement at the swinging doors of the Tavern attracts her diligent eye. As the diligent eye returns to join the other eye, resting happily into it's respective socket, she sees a large banana-colored slug, wearing brightly colored swim trunks and wearing a t-shirt with the phrase "BOG THIS!" in mustard-brown lettering and dragging a goatee behind him, slither past the piano toward the bar. "Mojo! What brings you to this part of New Linhir? Slide on up to the bar and let me get you a welcome home drink. What'll it be? A lime margarita with extra salt?" she says as she flutters above the bar. A mouth-like hole opened on Mojo's side just above his singular foot. "Ah, Arwen! Cherub of my Dreams! I had to gaze upon your red tresses once more. Let me caress your epidermas with my stalks!" The BOg SLug oozed onto a barstool. The cherub flittered and fluttered, obviously flustered. "Now Mojo, you gnow that I am a married cherub, with a babe besides! You just keep your appendages to yourself. What brings you this far south? Back to visit the BOg? I was just there myself last week. I had a complete makeover at the Be-nign BOg Beauty Boutique. I would recommend the mud bath to anyone." She shifted the pack as she felt Muffin Man aroused from slumber. "My dear, would that you thought better of me, or just thought about me at all. I am here to free you from the tether of that horrid pirate and take you with me up to the Great White North! Please tell me that you too have had fantasies of the two of us living in BOg BLiss?!" Mojo's face looked earnestly bland if it looked like anything. A light began to blink on Arwen's Glow Shield Helmet (made by Gravebuster's Produce and Manufacturing, Inc.) as a mechanical voice was heard to say "Warning. Warning. Blush overload in progress. Blush overload in progress. Alert. Alert." Arwen struggled with the contraption which looked like a cross between a California Highway Patrolman's helmet and orthodontic headgear. "Oh dear, now where is the button that lowers the shield on this thing. Oh, I gnew I should have gotten a second set of instructions to bring to work. Oh my!" She looked endearingly on the SLug. "Please Mojo. Don't go on with this. I fear for your safety. You must be insane to want to get involved with me. I think you misunderstood my intentions. Please, go while you can!" She fought the smile twitching somewhere near her mouth. Mojo puffed himself up as well as he could, stretching his bulk up far above the bar. "If you think that I am afraid of YellowBeard, you are wrong! I only want to have the opportunity to change your mind about me, sweet Arwen!" "You have fifteen seconds to reach minimum safe distance." the mechanical voice intoned. The light on the helmut blinked with more urgency. "Oooohhhh! I feel a Glow coming on! Please, Mojo, leave now!" "No! My toenails are non-existant and BINKs invade my dreams! What must I do fair auburn Arwen?" The SQuish Master slides closer to the cherub. Muffin Man chortles and coos with glee, squirming to get a better look at the SLug, only seconds before Arwen's face lights up with her trademark, blinding smile. Mojo, caught like a rat in a trap by the smile beam, begins to undulate and twitch. His eyestalks retract. His body spasms into a fetal-slug position, and his flesh begins to ooze protective secret secretions. "Oh! I'm melting, melting! You wicked, wicked little child! What a world! What a world!" Mojo exclaims, writhing in agony. Arwen tries to turn away, tries to find the button on her shield that lowers the visor, but can't seem to turn away. She finds herself enthralled by the BOg SLugs death throes. The Muffin Man responds by moving his finger in a horizontal motion across his lips while squealing loudly. It is the last noise Mojo IV ever hears before he becomes nothing more than a seething mass of goo. MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatoreum Of Obfuscated Obfuscations (Obfuscated!)" BY Gravebuster ON 07/06/94 AT 07:45:47 Comments : NO WAY!=1 HAHAHA=101 RASPBERRYS=1 BRAVO!=100 WOW!=42 OH MY GOD!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 454. Date: 03/23/94. Time: 13:11:03. Read 95 Times. From : Grazz't To : all Subj : The intro poem PERMIFIED The little poem when you enter this sub-board, seems to me to be far to clear. So, I've written my own version: A 300 pound mule attacked me one day Demanding a phone booth and San Francisco bay He said that the fishies had all turned the key And opened the door to the obfuscatery When inside I found a loud airy void Bereft of conciousness I turned into Freud Slipping on rubber the toilet is pure Of what I do talk, I'm not really sure... MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatoreum Of Obfuscated Obfuscations (Obfuscated!)" BY Gravebuster ON 07/06/94 AT 07:46:52 Comments : WHO CARES=1 BRAVO!=101 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 455. Date: 06/10/94. Time: 01:35:56. Read 92 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : REALITY AND UNCERTAINTY PERMIFIED THE HEISENBERG UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE IS A LABEL PLACED BY SCIENCE ON THE SUB ATOMIC EVIDENCE/EFFECTS OF MAGIC/MIRACLES. THE HEISENBERG UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE STATES THAT SCIENCE CANNOT SIMULTANEOUSLY MEASURE THE DIRECTION AND SPEED OF ANY ATOM. THIS HAS FAR REACHING IMPLICATIONS IN PHYSICS ALONE AND GIVES RISE TO THE QUANTUM THEORY. STATED IN DIFFERENT WORDS, YOU CANNOT SIMULTANEOUSLY GNOW WHERE SOMETHING IS AND WHERE IT IS GOING, AT LEAST NOT BY ANY LOGICAL MEANS. THIS UNCERTAINTY CAN EXTEND OUT TO THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, BECAUSE IT IS MADE OF ATOMS. THESE SUBATOMIC QUANTUM/HEISENBERG EFFECTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL RANDOMNESS IN THE UNIVERSE. BASICALLY, MIRACLES/MAGIC = UNCERTAINTY = RANDOMNESS. HOWEVER, ONLY SCIENCE IS UNCERTAIN ABOUT WHAT AN ATOM IS UP TO. THE ATOM CAN GNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT'S DOING AND WHERE IT IS AND WHERE IT IS GOING. SCIENCE ONLY SAYS THAT SCIENCE CANNOT TELL WHAT AN ATOM IS UP TO. THIS MEANS THAT RANDOMNESS IS NOT NECESSARILY AS RANDOM AS IT MIGHT SEEM. THERE IS OTHER SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE FOR THIS CONCEPT. EVOLUTION IS GUIDED BY THE FORCE OF RANDOMNESS, AND YET - HERE WE ARE. WE ARE THE PRODUCTS OF RANDOMNESS. THE TRUE NATURE OF RANDOMNESS CANNOT BE UNDERSTOOD SCIENTIFICALLY WITHOUT CLOSELY STUDING IT'S SIMULTANEOUS EFFECTS ON TRILLIONS OF BEZILLIONS OF ATOMS, WHICH IS EXCEEDINGLY DIFFICULT FOR SCIENCE TO DO - BECAUSE THE HEISENBERG UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE FORBIDS IT. ONE OF THE OFFSHOOTS OF QUANTUM THEORY AND THE HEISENBERG PRINCIPLE IS THAT NOTHING EXISTS UNLESS IT IS SPECIFICALLY OBSERVED TO BE EXISTING. THIS IS EXEMPLIFIED IN THE "SHRODINGER'S CAT" THOUGHT EXPERIMENT (EINSTEIN'S TERM NOT MINE) WHICH SAYS THAT IF ONE WERE TO LOCK A CAT IN A BOX, THE CAT WOULD NEVER DIE UNTIL YOU REMOVED IT FROM THE BOX, BECAUSE WHILE IT IS IN THE BOX OUT OF SIGHT IT DOES NOT ACTUALLY EXIST. SOUNDS MYSTICAL TO ME, BUT IT'S ONLY REALITY. GOD DOES NOT PLAY DICE WITH THE UNIVERSE, GOD IS THE DICE IN THE UNIVERSE. C- - - MOVED FROM "The Demented Herbarium" BY IFNI ON 07/07/94 AT 19:06:03 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 456. Date: 07/03/94. Time: 02:36:05. Read 76 Times. From : Stranger To : blau reiders Subj : "Statuary" PERMIFIED "statuary" Tiny thoughts collect On dorsal arrangement And obstruct flow Fight fight fight The world and its spin Roll the earth up Heaven's hill But don't forget to falter Or you missed the Point. Keep your eyes open Discriminate wisely Lest you collect chaos Don't categorize me! Sleep when you need to dream Swim when you need to strive Ignore any and all advice Be unreal, a statue of yourself Kiss the Galatea within And pat Pygmalion on the head End your days smiling To offset the cries of birth Death is a return to darkness But nothing is primordial anymore And candles burn less brightly And I miss myself In the dark behind my eyes There is only light And the shadow of transformation. S.X. 7/2/94 MOVED FROM "The Demented Herbarium" BY IFNI ON 07/07/94 AT 19:30:16 Comments : WOW!=1 Message # 457. Date: 07/08/94. Time: 21:46:14. Read 90 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : The Retreat, maybe PERMIFIED Ack squish doink bink I'm not sure what I should think There's everything here but the kithen sink And it is almost like a zoo. Doink squish bink ack Lots of messages there's no lack, So even if I call with my Mac There's plenty for me to do. Squish bink ack doink There's nothing that really rhymes with doink, So this line will also end with doink Even if it really looks like poo. Bink ack doink squish For decent rhymes I've had to fish; I'm ending this line with Lillian Gish What else could be used in lieu? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 07/10/94 AT 10:51:55 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=102 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 458. Date: 07/11/94. Time: 23:35:38. Read 60 Times. From : Mikester To : Mikester Subj : Couplet RECEIVED PERMIFIED Then at last, unfettered by the world that surrounds, I can reach out, beyond previously known bounds Grasping for those things formerly out of reach And for that knowledge others neglected to teach, And become at last a person on my own -- If only I begin to strive for the unknown. (G./M.) MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 07/12/94 AT 08:00:52 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 459. Date: 06/28/94. Time: 08:03:22. Read 71 Times. From : Ghost To : Stranger Subj : Hm. RECEIVED PERMIFIED When friendship touches hand to hand the night's unreasoning fears are gloved. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 07/13/94 AT 23:07:31 Message # 460. Date: 05/17/94. Time: 00:17:24. Read 165 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Wooba wooba PERMIFIED It's one of those days. I'm tired. Letterman is playing on the television behind me. I'm tired. There's a soda sitting on my desk next to my keyboard. It is slowly growing warm. My back hurts. What time is it? There's a television sitting on my desk next to my keyboard. It's one of those sodas. Letterman is playing on the keyboard behind me. I have to go to work tomorrow. My soda hurts. It's one of those hurts. I'm tired. I have a pile of books I still need to read. There's a pile of books sitting on my television next to my back. What soda is it? My keyboard is slowly sitting. One of those days is playing on the television behind me. It is slowly growing warm. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 05/18/94 AT 12:19:46 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Lynx ON 05/25/94 AT 23:59:36 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Stranger ON 05/26/94 AT 01:34:06 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Lynx ON 05/27/94 AT 00:37:45 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Enemies of Lynx, Inc. ON 06/01/94 AT 18:11:28 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Lynx ON 06/01/94 AT 23:47:58 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 07/14/94 AT 05:53:54 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 #460. Message # 461. Date: 06/03/94. Time: 11:44:04. Read 85 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : A Joke Geometrique PERMIFIED Rene Descarte went into a restaurant. He ordered a bowl of soup, and it was wonderful. What a great meal he had enjoyed. A waiter came up to him and asked, "Monsieur, would you like any dessert?" Descarte replied, "I think not." And promptly disappeared. Stranger (Wooba Wooba) MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 07/14/94 AT 05:54:20 Comments : HUH?=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 462. Date: 06/03/94. Time: 23:54:01. Read 93 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Fake...all fake PERMIFIED It was a cold Saturday afternoon, and Mojo and Mikester were paying their weekly visit to the "Oxnard Video Deli." They had just bought two roast beef subs and rented "National Geographic's Unpleasant Vistas of Nature Volume IX: Bugs Gettin' It On." As they were preparing to leave, Mojo espied (yes, "espied") a large booth, similar to one of those "four photos for a buck" stands, pushed away into an isolated corner of the retail area. "Hey, look!" said Mojo, "what is that I espy with my little eye?" "Huh...I have no idea. Let's take a closer look," replied Mikester. Mojo and Mikester ambled over to the booth to take the aforementioned closer look. The booth was about seven feet high, about seven feet long, and seven feet wide. Okay, it's a cube. A big black cube. There was a door in one side of the cube, and that door was as bl the rest of the booth. Mojo and Mikester looked at each other for a moment, shrugged, opened the door, and entered. Inside, the cramped room was lit by a small light in the ceiling. Hanging from one wall was one headset and a number of wires, gloves, and other connections. On another wall was a console with a few labeled buttons. Above the console was a large sign that read "VIRTUAL REALITY." "Wow! Cool!" said Mojo. "Let's try it out!" "Yeah, okay," replied Mikester. "How much does it cost?" Mojo pointed at a slot on the console. "It says, 'INSERT CREDIT CARD HERE.'" "Hmmm...that's not a good sign." Mikester shrugged, then reached for his wallet. "Oh, well, I'm nowhere near my thirty-five dollar limit on my Visa...let's try it out." He pulled out his credit card and inserted it into the slot, while Mojo donned the gloves, taped the connections to his body, and placed the helmet upon his head, covering his eyes and ears. There was a brief whirring sound, and the buttons and labels on the console shone with a bright light. "Okay, Mojo, what do want to try first?" Mikester peered at the labels. "Do you want to try 'Weightless in Space,' or 'Wild West Roundup,' or 'Lacy Lucy's Lair of Licentiousness,' or...." "Yeah, yeah, THAT ONE!" shouted Mojo. "Okay...'Wild West Roundup,' here we come!" Mikester pressed one of the lit buttons. "No, gosh dang it...." There was a whirling of light, an explosion of sound, and Mojo suddenly found himself standing in the middle of a dirty road. There were people crowded along the sides of the road, standing in front of wooden storefronts. Mojo saw signs that read "BARBER AND PAINLESS DENTIST," "SALOON," "GENERAL STORE," and realized he was in somebody's idea of what the wild west might have been like. "Wow," he thought to himself. "It looks pretty neat. I wonder what I'm supposed to do?" Mojo was pulled from his observations by someone shouting the word, "DRAW!" It was then Mojo realized that while he was busy sightseeing at the sides of the road, he was ignoring the computer generated person at the other end of the road with whom he was apparently supposed to be having a shootout. Mojo felt the virtual impact of virtual bullets in his virtual chest, and Mojo removed his helmet. "Not that one!" he admonished Mikester. He put the helmet pack on his head. "I want to try...." "'Weightless in Space,' sure thing!" Mikester pressed another button. Mojo was, as promised by the label next to the button, weightless in space. There was nothing but blackness about him, dotted only sporadically by stars. "Hmmph," thought Mojo. "Real space would have a lot more visible stars." And he floated. And he floated. And he floated. And he floated. And he floated. He floated some more. Then he floated again. The stars remained unmoving. Nothing happened. Mojo floated. Mojo removed his helmet. "God, 'Ishtar' was more exciting." He wagged his finger at Mikester. "Now could we try the 'Lacy Lucy' scenario?" "Oh, okay. You wacky kid." Mojo put the helmet back on, and Mikester pressed the button. The room was covered with light veils and curtains, and soft classical music drifted out from an unknown source. Mojo reached for a curtain that brushed against his shoulder, and found it silky to the touch. "Wow...this virtual reality stuff is pretty thorough." Mojo pressed his way through the veils, and suddenly found himself near a large heart-shaped bed. He walked closer to the bed, studying its large red pillows and pink blankets. From behind him, he heard a pleasant voice say to him, "I've been waiting for you." Mojo turned, and saw a beautiful woman, tall with red hair, dressed in what looked like the same sort of veils that drifted down from the unseen ceiling. The veils were overlaid to the point of being opaque...almost. "Uh, hi" he stammered out. "Well, well, well, what ever shall we do first?" she said with a lilting voice, as she sauntered over to Mojo's side. She began to [SECTION REMOVED OUT OF CONSIDERATION FOR OUR YOUNGER READERS. I'm no pornographer, you lecherous swine!] "Well, how was that?" Mikester asked. "Uh...uh..." replied Mojo. "Sorry I pulled you out of that scenario...this little display here tells me I've almost reached the limit of my credit, and I want to try this out. Here, let me take this" -- Mikester pried the helmet out of Mojo's hands -- "and let me give this a little spin." Mikester put the helmet on his head, being careful not to dislodge his toupee. "Okay, press that last button there." "Huh, what...oh, okay." Mojo shook off the effects of his last virtual experience and pressed the button labeled "VIRTUAL REALITY REALITY." Mikester woke up, and laid in bed for a few moments, stretching out his arms and legs. He got up out of bed before he could fall back asleep again, and immediately jumped into the shower. After a few minutes, he got out of the shower, toweled off, and got dressed. He left his bedroom and heading into the kitchen, where he slapped together a quick breakfast of buttered toast and a banana. He finished his breakfast, and placed his dished in the sink. He then walked out the front door, locking that door behind him. He walked out to his truck, which was parked in front of the house. He got into his truck, started it, and began his commute to work. He drove through the residential area, then merged onto the freeway. He drove along the freeway for about fifteen minutes, and left the freeway at an offramp. He drove through a business area, and parked behind a strip of building. He got out of his truck, locked his truck, and unlocked the back door to his place of employment. He entered the building, and passed through the crowded back room and entered the retail area. He then began his eight hour work day, pausing only once during his customer service to have a brief lunch. At the end of the day, he locked the front door, rung out the register, and exited the building, turning off the lights and locking the back door as he left. He drove home, and reentered his house. He prepared a quick dinner of leftover meat, and sat down at the dinner table. He finished his dinner, then washed the dishes not only from his dinner, but from his breakfast as well. He entered the living room, where he sat down on a couch and vegetated in front of the television for a short while. He then turned off the television, went into his bedroom, removed his clothing, turned out the lights, and went to bed. "Ah...this whole virtual reality thing is overrated" criticized Mikester. He removed the helmet and other connections, letting them drop to their hanging positions against the wall. He pulled his credit card out of the slot and put it back in his wallet. "Let's go watch our nature film," he said to Mojo. "Yeah, at least that's real." Mojo shook his head. "'Virtual' is just another word for 'fake,' after all." Mojo and Mikester exited the booth, exited the "Oxnard Video Deli," and headed off into the real world. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 07/14/94 AT 05:57:50 Comments : RASPBERRYS=1 BRAVO!=2 Message # 463. Date: 06/20/94. Time: 19:40:58. Read 70 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Spot Subj : Happy Cat Day! PERMIFIED -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Ode to Spot as delivered by Data on Star Trek: The Next Generation episode "Schisms" Felis catus is your taxonomic nomenclature. An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature. Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses. I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, a singular development of cat communications that obviates your basic hedonistic predilection for a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection. A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents; you would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance. And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion, It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion. O Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array. And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend, I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- whoever thought that up is really SQuishy. Shay Pas (No, Bill, it's not really Cat Day) MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 07/14/94 AT 06:12:30 Message # 464. Date: 06/15/94. Time: 17:03:04. Read 68 Times. From : Mikester To : Stranger Subj : The Young Zen Maniacs of Olliramac RECEIVED PERMIFIED As a card-carrying member of the Young Zen Maniacs of Olliramac fan club, I have nothing to fear. See, here's my signed 8x10 glossy photo of Chief Zen Maniac, my four-color club button, my stationery set, and the aforementioned card, which indicates my member number (#5561), my name (well, you gnow), my rank (Obsessive 1st Class), and allows me to receive a 10% discount at all participating Blockbuster Video stores. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "The Peoples Republic Of Anti-Posters Embassy" BY HACK MAN ON 07/14/94 AT 06:32:58 Message # 465. Date: 06/23/94. Time: 04:39:22. Read 83 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : flush PERMIFIED i am a river i drink myself i am a river i am ouroubouros man contortionist man i do what i can to free myself man i do what i can to be myself man i do what i can to feed myself with my self see the tree I be and lean on me to be see the tree lean on me see me be feed me and i will grow uproot me and i will cling suit me and I will sing to you I will cling and sing and grow unto you I will ring you with me linger with you lift you with me see you lift me with you up to me and you and I will laugh and so will you lift me and I will laugh lilting lambent lines skin me with your verbal tines, knead me with your churning rhymes your burning times your turning crimes your moaning loving livid signs send a sign a prophet of you a profit designed to spend you to lend you in earnest interest a son to speak in tongues a star of hope to set on me to fill my lungs with memory to thrill my eyes with energy lost in harmony of form, torn thru to soul conspiracy unborn, alone and whole and last not lost on me but lost in me i i am a river i drink myself i am a river MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 07/14/94 AT 13:23:19 Comments : WAY!=34 BRAVO!=43 Message # 466. Date: 06/29/94. Time: 22:21:36. Read 87 Times. From : Mikester To : Everyone except you Subj : Warning: Rage Ahead PERMIFIED This world is stupid and getting stupider. I was watching MTV, a dubious viewing choice at best, on and off for most of the day today, and happened to see something called the Grind. Okay, dance shows, fine, I watched American Bandstand when I was a kid, I don't have a problem with it. But, man, they might as well have their private parts whipped out and intermingling. It's like watching the frigging Kama Sutra put to a dance beat! What the hell, man? There must be a lot of proud parents out there, watching their lovely little daughter prance and gyrate between two guys out by the seashore! I also noticed a bunch of people wearing baggy pants. Not baggy pants...REALLY baggy pants. Pants being held up apparently by their nether regions. What the hell are they thinking!? What's going through that vestigial clump of nerve endings that can almost, but not quite, be loosely defined as a "brain?" Are they thinking, "Boy, I sure do look cool with my boxer shorts sticking up a good foot and a half above the waistband of my pants!" Do they realize everybody else is thinking, "Boy! That guy must not have been able to gather up the sufficient strength to lift his drawers all the way up to his waist!" Another thing about MTV, and other entertainment sources of the same phylum like KROQ -- if, by some strange occurrence, that MTV or KROQ or whatever happens to get their grubby little pincers on some act that may quite possibly be within spitting distance of being half-way cool, they DRIVE IT INTO THE FRIGGING GROUND by playing the song every single chance they get, playing it over and over and over and over and over and over and over until even the most cretinous of their viewers/listeners begin to form the idea that they're, shockingly enough, TIRED of hearing the same damn song! Then, two years later, when these kids have gone on to the next trendy band, wearing the next trendy fashion as suggested by Details or Sassy (I predict bulletproof vests), they'll claim that they NEVER LIKED the band in question in the first place! (Of course, the CDs and cassettes are shoved to the rear of the closet or rotting underneath the front seat of the Datsun with the Burger King wrappers, but they'll never tell any of their current month's friends.) It doesn't matter anyway...eventually all media will be owned by one person who will decide who gets to be popular and who gets to be exposed and who gets to have access to the FIRST FRIGGING AMENDMENT! That reminds me...did you like the Press Courier? Gee, too bad. Apparently we decided a big city paper like THE LA TIMES would be much better for us. The Courier wasn't gone for a week, when the LA TIMES began pushing for subscriptions again, this time going door to door again emphasizing "EXPANDED VENTURA COUNTY COVERAGE" -- gee, how timely of them! Why don't they dig up the rotting corpse of the Courier; I don't think it's been danced and spit upon enough! I hate the LA TIMES, I hate the articles, I hate Robert Hilburn ("Oh, this album isn't Bruce Springsteen; I don't like it"), I hate the full-page ads for Sears white sales crowding out news about Korea, I hate the fact that TREES DIED for this paper. Okay, maybe the paper itself isn't so bad...NO! NO COMPROMISE! All or nothing! The pushy phone salesmen that call at 8:30 at night to pressure you into getting a subscription! SCREW THEM! JUST SCREW THEM! And screw all those people who apparently MISSED SCHOOL when the teacher covered APOSTROPHES! APOSTROPHES, for God's sake! It's not like frigging BRAIN SURGERY! What the hell? It's = it is, its = possessive form. That's IT! That's all there is to it! "Whoops, I'm no genius...I'd better practice." JUMPIN' JUDAS ON A POGO STICK! Store signs, supposedly crafted by professionals FOR professionals, even have these mistakes! Look at "CARLS JR." There had better damn well be more than one Carl in charge, or I'm going to frigging shoot the person who designed that logo. WHERE'S THE APOSTROPHE!? Did it fall off the sign and into a vat of that goo that may someday eventually resemble meat? Jeez, what the hell is wrong with you people? What damaged your chromosomes? Are your parents cousins? What the hell, man? It's people like you that make me want to take to wearing scuba gear all the time so that whatever airborn virus that made your brain cease functioning doesn't invade my lungs. Oh, yeah, something else. That thing on the side of your steering wheel? It's a FRIGGING TURN SIGNAL! Those lines on the road? MAYBE you should LOOK AT THEM ONCE IN A WHILE! Would that be so hard? Maybe you should reread your Teen Driver's Handbook and refresh your FRIGGING memory, before you make me "DEAD BODY #3" in your own private "RED ASPHALT!" Oh, yeah, and occasionally LOOK in the MIRROR when you change lanes, too! That would be REALLY REALLY nice, and I gnow how inconvenient it is to pry your eyes away from your removable CD player as you're trying to put in your disk of eight different remixes of "WHOOMP! THERE IT IS!" So just piss off. But don't take it personally. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Hall of Flame!" BY HACK MAN ON 07/15/94 AT 04:26:43 Comments : NO WAY!=1 HUH?=4 DOINK=2 ARGH!=34 BLAH=1 BOG ME=49 PROMOTE ME=23 Message # 467. Date: 06/13/94. Time: 04:50:32. Read 83 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : sacred chao PERMIFIED This message has no purpose other than to have no purpose, but that purpose which is not a purpose except in some ways is admirable in and of its non self if you gnow what i mean, or even if you don't--ducks fly independently of lone falling arboreal towers. move along, these are not the posts you are looking for. Stranger MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY HACK MAN ON 07/15/94 AT 04:51:14 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY HACK MAN ON 07/15/94 AT 04:54:43 Message # 468. Date: 07/03/94. Time: 23:37:47. Read 70 Times. From : Mikester To : Gravebuster Subj : Hear Ye, Hear Ye RECEIVED PERMIFIED And let it also be gnown that the Mikester has foresaken any pretense at being a civilized human being, and that he, having flung himself toupee-first into amorality, has sworn to bring about the very downfall of humanity (POGs, comic books, and the dreaded Ace of Base CD being only the tip of the Mikester's iceberg of depravity). Let is additionally be gnown that the Mikester shall further implement his plan by selling cigars to preschoolers, bootlegging Hudson Brothers compact discs, flatulating in elevators and not saying "excuse me," not wiping his feet before entering the house, dubbing off copies of movies rented from video stores and even daring to include the FBI warning at the beginning of the dubs, and making fun of people wearing really really baggy pants (the last item being the one good thing about the Mikester that, by comparison, will make all of his behavior seem all that much worse). And let it be gnown that the Mikester shall continue to refer to himself in the third person, thus distressing and disturbing all those who read his posts. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 07/15/94 AT 05:46:05 Comments : HAHAHA=2 Message # 469. Date: 07/21/94. Time: 21:59:53. Read 62 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Jehan Subj : Um... RECEIVED PERMIFIED I'm a 100%er. I used to be crazy, right now I am sane, I prayed to be normal and now I complain. Woe is me. Woe is amoeba. Me be a silly soul tonight. I'm in flight, raking the sky, reeking of ether. Wheeee I see the ether bunny in a gunny sack, he's got slack and he don't look back. He must be an artist or a musician with a penchant for Listz. Come on baby, let's do the twist, he can't resist. Gotta get the gist and out of this rhymthm pattern and into another world. Pop goes the bubble. a.o. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 07/22/94 AT 07:48:48 Comments : OBFUSCATED=5 DOINK=1 Message # 470. Date: 07/16/94. Time: 10:03:28. Read 63 Times. From : The Music Man To : Mikester Subj : The Retreat, maybe RECEIVED PERMIFIED Usually happens a lot of the time to those who simply have to rhyme with meter in all they may create like typing with margins straight That in trying rhyming of schemes finding the words is not as seems to be when we at first set out to create something that end in tune With what we wanted when be began as line length gives us trouble and the rhymes grow harder and tin pan as all metering get out of hand And we end up with something stupid... -TMM (I hate poetry...) MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 07/24/94 AT 00:15:02 Comments : HAHAHA=100 BRAVO!=100 PROMOTE ME=2 #470. Message # 471. Date: 07/17/94. Time: 21:53:01. Read 65 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Mojo IV Subj : BLAH! RECEIVED PERMIFIED All hail dis accordian. Dis accordian can play Lady of Spain backwards. a.o. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 07/24/94 AT 21:29:30 Message # 472. Date: 07/17/94. Time: 15:07:08. Read 63 Times. From : Mojo IV To : HACK MAN Subj : ..>? RECEIVED PERMIFIED QWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM`1234567890-=\[];',./\*!@#$%^&*()_+|{}:"<>? =>Mojo IV<= SQuishy BOgSLug ALL HAIL DISCORDIA! MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 07/24/94 AT 21:29:56 Message # 473. Date: 07/14/94. Time: 05:52:54. Read 72 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : BLAH! PERMIFIED WHY DOES EVERY SINGLE SUB HAVE 500 MESSAGES THAT I HAVEN'T READ? WHAT HATH I WROUGHT? C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 07/24/94 AT 21:31:38 Message # 475. Date: 06/03/94. Time: 11:44:04. Read 83 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : A Joke Geometrique PERMIFIED Rene Descarte went into a restaurant. He ordered a bowl of soup, and it was wonderful. What a great meal he had enjoyed. A waiter came up to him and asked, "Monsieur, would you like any dessert?" Descarte replied, "I think not." And promptly disappeared. Stranger (Wooba Wooba) MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:37:42 Comments : HUH?=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 476. Date: 05/28/94. Time: 16:56:38. Read 81 Times. From : Stranger To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : names RECEIVED PERMIFIED SQUISH! Stranger MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 05/29/94 AT 13:30:59 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:37:57 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 477. Date: 05/26/94. Time: 22:14:47. Read 84 Times. From : Mikester To : Mojo IV Subj : Post 2200 RECEIVED PERMIFIED I must dive deep into the BOg then, and see if I can't retrieve these lost posts. Who's with me? "I am!" shouted Mojo. "I gnew you would be, faithful SLug!" Mikester looked at the motley collection of scallywags and rastabouts the crowded the deck of the ship. "As good of a mate Mojo is, I'm gonna need more! Who's with me?" One fellow near the rear of the crowd, wearing an eyepatch on his shoulder and a parrot on his eye, yelled out, "Arrrrrrr! There be any treasure innit for us, cap'n?" The rest of the crowd began hooting and shouting -- they too wanted to gnow what was in it for them. "There is the treasure of gnowledge and the regaining of that part of history long since lost!" replied Mikester, who then noticed that the crowd didn't seem to interested in gnowledge for gnowledge's sake. Mikester quickly added, "Oh, yeah...there's...uh...chests full of gold and stuff too!" The pirates then shouted for joy and began pressing closer to Mikester, trying to gain favorable positions on the expedition. Soon, the diving crew was selected. Mikester (of course), his trusted first mate Mojo, the nefarious Stranger, and the mysterious Shade, who, ungnown to him, would be used as a sacrifice to appease the mighty BOgLOrd should the expedition happen upon the BEarded guardian of the BOg. Entering the diving bell, they quickly descended. (Many technical details have been quickly glossed over, because I have no idea what would be entailed in such an expedition. Give me a break, okay? I'm just trying to tell a story here.) Lower and lower into the dark reaches of the BOg sank the four men...the BOg, dark as it was at the top, was an absolute pitch black here near the bottom. It was really black. I mean, black. Like tar, almost. Trust me on this...it was darn black. Anyhoo...the diving bell suddenly lurched downward, a startling movement given the thick, gooey substance of the BOg. From outside the bell a bright light shone, and Stranger, looking outside, shouted "Hey! We're in some kind of cave! There's torches and stuff." Mikester, having confirmed what Stranger saw, decided to disembark. The four men gathered outside of the bell, and looked up to see the BOgstuff swirling about outside of the cave, but not passing through the entrance. "Huh," thought Mojo, "I wonder how that works." "It works that way because that is what I wish." The crew whirled around at the sound of the voice, and were confronted by a man with flowing red hair and a long pointy beard. "I am the BOgLOrd. Welcome to my home." "Er...uh..." said Mikester. He pushed Shade toward the BOgLOrd. "Look, I brought this fellow with us. You can eat him if you want." "Hey...what!?" said Shade. "No no no..." said the BOgLOrd. "I have all I can eat down here." "Uh..." replied Mikester, with a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach, "what is it exactly that you eat down here?" The BOgLOrd smiled his bearded smile and replied "Why, old posts, of course. If I didn't, the BOg would swirl up and over the rest of the world, sucking it into a SQuishy vortex. Why, is that a problem?" "Uh, no," Mikester replied. "Um...you wouldn't happen to have any chests of gold lying around, do you?" "I have this Special Beat album you can have." "Thanks, anyways," replied Mikester, and then the story suddenly ended, because I ran out of things to say. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:38:25 Comments : HAHAHA=2 OBFUSCATED=23 PROMOTE ME=5 Message # 478. Date: 05/09/94. Time: 08:55:12. Read 87 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Raboof! PERMIFIED I raboof You raboof He/she/it raboofs We raboof They raboof He had raboofed recently. We were busy raboofing. Having raboofed for hours, he was very tired. Raboof. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:38:39 Comments : RASPBERRYS=1 BLOWS!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 GIVE ME A BREAK!=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 479. Date: 04/29/94. Time: 21:54:49. Read 91 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Tattoos...Computers.... PERMIFIED Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... --the Mikester (I have a small VIC-20 stenciled on my rear.) MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:38:54 Comments : HAHAHA=1 OH MY GOD!=23 BOG ME=1 Message # 480. Date: 04/25/94. Time: 12:35:35. Read 76 Times. From : Grazz't To : all Subj : Tattoo's Well, I finally got around to doing something I've been meaning to do for about 2 years. I have a tattoo of the bar-code off a large can of Spam(tm), on my left arm..... Just thought you'd like to know... Of course my co-workers think I'm sick...but we gnow better. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:39:14 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 #480. Message # 481. Date: 03/30/94. Time: 00:27:26. Read 62 Times. From : HACK MAN To : NiP Subj : money RECEIVED PERMIFIED SO YOU WANT TO RAISE MANY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS RIGHT AWAY: (BY H. MAN) A: VOLUNTEER FOR MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS. (SELL A KIDNEY (CAN I HAVE YOUR LIVER?)) B: SUDDENLY REMEMBER ABOUT A LITTLE WEEKEND THAT YOU SPENT WITH MICHAEL JACKSON. C: SELL YOUR OWN CALLING CARD NUMBER. (IT MAY BE NECESSARY TO DECLARE BANKRUPTCY AT A LATER DATE.) D: SELL YOUR BODY, AND/OR SELL YOURSELF INTO SLAVERY. (DEPENDING ON HOW GOOD LOOKING YOU ARE.) E: INVENT THE "HULA HOOP / PET ROCK" OF THE 90'S. F: DISCOVER COLD FUSION IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR. G: EXPERIMENT WITH COLOR COPIERS. H: CLAIM THAT YOU ARE A FORMER BOYFRIEND OF LORENA BOBBIT AND SELL YOUR STORY TO "HARD COPY." (IF THEY ASK FOR PHYSICAL PROOF THIS SOLUTION COULD BE QUITE PAINFUL.) I: FIND THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE HIDDEN UNDERNEATH A PICTURE OF DOGS PLAYING POKER. J: PLAY CRAPS AND WIN ABOUT 10 TIMES IN A ROW. K: SPRING JOHN GOTTI LOOSE FROM JAIL. L: POUR CRAZY GLUE INTO THE LOCK ON THE BACK DOOR OF SOME ARMORED CAR (WHILE THE DOOR IS OPEN) AND THEN FOLLOW THEM AROUND AS THEY GO OVER SPEED BUMPS. C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:41:41 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 482. Date: 03/16/94. Time: 23:12:20. Read 91 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Guess who's been playing Infocom games? PERMIFIED The BOg of Eternal Stench An interactive text adventure (c) 1985 by ><-ilecom. (Restoring saved position.) (Okay.) HALL, NORTH END You are at the north end of a north-south hall. There is a closed door to your east. The door is locked. The key turns with a satisfying click. The door creaks open, revealing beyond it a small cluttered room. SMALL ROOM You enter a somewhat cluttered room, where Stranger is sitting on what may have once been a couch. He lifts a mug in your direction in greeting. "Hi! C'mon in!" The only exit is to the west. "Hi!" (Which accident do you mean - the boating accident, or the fork accident?) "That wasn't an accident," replies Stranger with a gleam in his eye. Stranger takes a drink from his mug, and looks at you expectantly. There is nothing but dust there. There's no room - Stranger is sitting on the only safe part of the couch. SMALL ROOM You enter a somewhat cluttered room, where Stranger is sitting on what may have once been a couch. The only exit is to the west. "'Bye!" Stranger calls out. HALL, NORTH END You are at the north end of a north-south hall. There is an open door to your east. You are carrying a key a fish a credit card (not yours) a Hardy Boys coloring and activity book a BOg MUshroom a "Lidsville" lunchpail it looks like the lunchpail contains a toupee HALL You are halfway through a north-south hall. There is an aquarium here. There is a window to your west. (I don't know the word "thorugh") All you see through the window are the vast rolling waves of the BOg. HALL, SOUTH END You are at the south end of a north-south hall. There are closed doors to your east and south. Opened. BATHROOM In this room are all the things you expect to find in a bathroom. You don't need to. You're already there. HALL, SOUTH END You are at the south end of a north-south hall. There is a closed door to your east and an open door to your south. Opened. BOg You are sucked mercilessly into the rolling and crushing waves of the BOg. You lose all sense of direction as you are tossed about. You try to fight the waves of the BOg, but to no avail. You try to fight the waves of the BOg, but to no avail. You try to fight the waves of the BOg, but to no avail. You ease into the rhythms of the BOg, finding yourself able to navigate the waves. BOg. You BOb upon the now gentle waves of the BOg. To your west, you see the very small house that rests upon one of the more stable portions of the BOg. To your south, you see a vast figure darkly looming over that portion of the BOg. Nondescript waves of the BOg roll in every other direction. You BOb slowly to the south, coming closer to the giant figure that looms to the south. Nondescript waves of the BOg roll in every other direction. As you BOb ahead, the vast figure dips its mighty bearded head, as if finally noticing you. It bends down, allowing its prehensile beard to grasp you and lift you out of the BOg. The figure's huge eyes focus upon you, and you know that you are soon to shuffle off the mortal coil. The figures flings his head backwards, tossing you into the farthest reaches of the BOg SEa, so remote that you will never find your way back to safety, and no amount of BObbing or RIding will sustain your existence. *****You have died***** You scored 3.14159 out of a possible 100 points. This gives you a ranking of "BOg URchin." Would you like to play again? (yes or no) Thank you for playing! See you soon! MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:42:18 Comments : OBFUSCATED=23 BRAVO!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 PROMOTE ME=8 Message # 483. Date: 03/08/94. Time: 20:28:19. Read 92 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Your horoscope PISCES: Love is only a phone call away -- unfortunately, it's a 976 number. ARIES: Your life takes a turn for the better, until you take that ill-fated plane trip. TAURUS: You will lose an important part of your body in a boating accident. GEMINI: Leather goods, pulleys, intricate knots, and livestock will begin to play greater roles in your romantic life. CANCER: An old friend will return to your life, looking for that ten bucks you owe him. LEO: You will be swept into the arms of a mysterious lover, who will take you on exciting trips to foreign lands, flinging yourselves from one fast-paced dangerous and erotic adventure to another, until you find yourself naked in a hotel room in Fairfax, VA, with all of your traveller's checks missing. VIRGO: Pretty much business as usual, except look out for one-legged men with big hats offering you deals on mass quantities of fish. LIBRA: You will spend the entire week measuring things. SCORPIO: Career opportunities abound -- for all of your friends, who take great delight in telling you about their wonderful high-paying jobs. SAGITTARIUS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! CAPRICORN: You will pick the correct numbers in the lottery, but this will be the week you neglect to buy a ticket. AQUARIUS: You will hang around with a group of poorly dressed teenagers, singing songs about your hair. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:42:43 Comments : HAHAHA=23 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 484. Date: 03/07/94. Time: 17:09:36. Read 64 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Mikester Subj : Now it can be told. RECEIVED 1##. Number 180 is not correct. Black is full of color. The light that black absorbs is just not reflected. White has no color in it; it reflects all the light. So, black clothing on hot days absorbs the sun's light/heat waves. Shay Pas Comments: WHO CARES=1 BEAVIS IS COOL=3 NO WAY, BUTTHEAD IS COOL=2 YOU'RE ALL WRONG, CHER ROCKS!=1 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:43:01 Comments : WAY!=1 OH MY GOD!=1 BLAH=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 485. Date: 02/25/94. Time: 09:31:38. Read 92 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Now it can be told. 1. Number Two's beard is fake...give it a good tug next time you see him. 2. Jim Davis has not, in fact, drawn Garfield in many years. 3. The Monkees did not play their own instruments, but they did sing songs written by Neil Diamond. 4. Jim Carrey is not, in fact, funny. 5. John Larroquette, Dan Fielding on TV's "Night Court," not only played a Klingon in a Star Trek movie, but he also provided off-screen narration for "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." 6. OBSCURE COMIC BOOK TRIVIA: Wolverine and Swamp Thing were created by the same person (Len Wein). 7. The man behind the grassy knoll (gnoll?) was also responsible for Stranger's boating "accident." 8. Gerald Ford is still President. 9. "Out of the Blue" is the most obscure "Happy Days" spin-off. 10. Mikester, in his free time, compares and contrasts the episodes of the Brady Bunch where they go to the Grand Canyon with the episodes where they go to Hawaii. 11. There is no number 11. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:43:51 Comments : HAHAHA=23 OBFUSCATED=5 BRAVO!=2 BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 486. Date: 02/13/94. Time: 00:58:46. Read 93 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : MOre SQuishiness What, indeed, is SQuishiness? First discovered...no, that isn't the word, for many others have discovered SQuishiness long before. William Faulkner gnew of SQuishiness. William Shakespeare gnew of SQuishiness. Geoffrey "William" Chaucer gnew of SQuishiness. This state that we are attempting to describe was first dubbed "SQuishy" by, I ever so humbly admit, me, long ago and far away on that collection of magnetic particles gnown as "The Dimensional Nexus." It was the leader (and occasional tamer and/or playtester) of that very Nexus, Mojo IV, who threw himself pseudopod first into defining, through word and deed, the very state of SQuishiness. He renamed his portion of the BOg "the SQuishy BOg," thus forever attaching the state of SQuishiness to that electronic quagmire. SQuishiness, to this day, retains the dicapitalization that marks all things BOggish. We have examined the naming of that which is SQuishy...but we have yet to truly uncover that which is SQuishiness. Is it... 1) Confused silliness? 2) Ranting and howling? F) Wacky nihilism? $) The forgotten and the misused? Pi) Passive offensiveness? 9.2) Panicked reaction to an uncaring world? 14) No reaction to an uncaring world? &) Stream of consciousness opinion forced upon the unwary? Heck, I don't gnow. Let us look to the wisdom of Mojo for a clue... "Now, lets compare two posts: One Obfuscated, One SQuishy. 1. Obfuscated: I'd like a container of psycho-active chemicals. 2. SQuishy: Please may I have a blonde container of LSD, and two straws?" (from "The Ramifications of SQuishiness and its relationship to Obfuscation," Mojo IV, BOgSLug) One can see that SQuishiness is an invidualized method of dealing with and viewing the world...a form of logic that makes sense to those who are SQuishy, and causes the synapses of the non-SQuishy and others not aligned with and sympathetic to the SQuishy cause (such as obfuscates) to fuse into a large mass of goo, not unlike that liquid plastic used in milkshakes. SQuishiness, ultimately, is the state of being SQuishy. SQuish, and the world SQuishes with you, or at least around you. WHAT YOU SHOULD GNOW: This entire message is SQuishy. Mojo is SQuishy. Mikester is SQuishy. As stated by Mojo, Stranger is both SQuishy and obfuscated. Don't try this at home. SQuishiness is perfectly normal, except in normal people. In which case, it's not normal. Unless, in fact, that normal person is really not normal. The continued use of "normal" in this sentence is not normal. Normally. --------- Be proud of being SQuishy. If you believe you are not SQuishy, fear not...if you read this far, you ARE SQuishy. It's too late to go back. --the Mikester the ORiginal SQuisher! MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:44:10 Comments : RASPBERRYS=1 OBFUSCATED=25 ZZZZZZZ=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 487. Date: 02/12/94. Time: 16:54:37. Read 62 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Mikester Subj : True Crime RECEIVED PERMIFIED ARGH! i was sitting on the couch listening to music, minding my own business while mom and my sister were getting their daily fix of real life (i.e. Rescue 911, Unsolved Mysteries, Hard Copy etc.) and it comes on! ARGH! As the segment delves into the deep, dark world of BBSing, their eyes get wider and wider and their stares at me increasingly incredulous. ARGH! Ma once wondered if i was hacking or phreaking...shocked the DOINK! out me (didn't even gnow she gnew what phreaking was). I sta-- The door of the t.v. room pops open and the slightly balding head of Mr. Pas pokes in. He enters and sifts through the boxes of papers and junk lying around the room, eyes steal a glance at the monitor then innocently continue to roam the room. "Shay, have you seen the can opener around here?" "Umm," I pause, feigning a desparate search for the can opener. I lift the plastic plant off the television and shake my head sympathetically. "I'm sure it'll turn up later." "Uh-hum." I begin to type some garble-dee-goop about world peace as he slowly backs out the door. Smiling to myself, i erase the goop and continue to plot the demise of American government with my Satanic buddy. Shay Pas ("Aw, ma! That kind of stuff only happens on Prodigy!") MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:44:19 Comments : ARGH!=1 BLAH=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 488. Date: 01/19/94. Time: 18:58:05. Read 89 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Today's Subliminal Message MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:44:42 Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 489. Date: 01/01/94. Time: 21:43:22. Read 102 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Fun for the whole family PERMIFIED (Well, I hope this works.... :) ) R E T H U M B E S S L X I K B O R M O S T R A N G E R T J X E R H S H M H O U R S E W E K I D V S Q T B O M A V T J O L C B J O O U S E I V N W R T W L N N O I T I M R A N U Q S D H U F R J X N S A S N B T H I R G R V X O P I H N T E A S W T S I A N A M H K N C V L W M G J O W Y G E V O C U A T V C D K Q I T S O H G E A R K H I E L A C M M U B E H N H S B M E J L C E A I S E J A I I I N R M J V S X V H S U A C X X Q A C O R W I N M T R Q B R E M I S G M O W T R E B M U N H L S E A D L L I M M I K E S T E R ANAIS HACKMAN SQUISH BOG JEHAN STRANGER CORWIN MIKESTER TELLURA GHOST MOJO GRAVEBUSTER NUMBERTWO HACKINTOSH PHOENIX Print out a hard copy (or get out the felt tip pen and draw on your computer screen) and find all the names listed above! (If you're not in the crossword...no slight intended! Maybe next time!) --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:45:23 Comments : ZZZZZZZ=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 490. Date: 12/15/93. Time: 15:22:08. Read 66 Times. From : Ghost To : Tellura Subj : Uh RECEIVED PERMIFIED We always have a General Theme. But our Major Point is left-tenant in the dust of a sneaky wish to be the Captain of the team. Nowadays, even the Sargeant at arms has lost all power over our Corporal bodies, as we strive to achieve our Private agendas. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:45:36 Comments : DOINK=1 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 #490. Message # 491. Date: 12/13/93. Time: 21:56:53. Read 94 Times. From : Mikester To : Stranger Subj : Hey Mikester RECEIVED I hereby promise not to abuse this newfound power, unless I really want to. ;) Thanks, everybody! You like me, you really like me! --BAronet BOg MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:45:51 Comments : BLOWS!=1 BRAVO!=2345 OH MY GOD!=1 PROMOTE ME=12345 Message # 492. Date: 10/01/93. Time: 01:09:59. Read 76 Times. From : Duke Montegieu To : everybody Subj : achoo FOR TO VISIT A SICK How have you passed the night? -Very bad. I have not sleeped; I fell some pain everywhere body. Live me see your tongue, have you pain to the heads? -Yes, sir, some times. Are you altered? -Yes, i have thursty often. Let me feel your pulse. -it is some fever. -what may i to eat? You can take a broth. -Let me have another thing to do? Take care to hold you warme ly, and in two or 3 days you shall le cured. *dm MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:46:50 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 493. Date: 07/24/94. Time: 00:20:50. Read 103 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : An Ode to Choleric Wastrel PERMIFIED O Wastrel! cast us from our repose With your "Huhs" and "Whats" and "I don't knows" Choleric was not his nature, though it seemed That choleric responses were all that were gleaned From those he encountered, and whatever they said Pierced not that rock he used for a head. However, Wastrel he was, through and through, In that whatever it was he attempted to do He took up our time, and HACK MAN's hard drive And brain cells and patience took a very deep dive. From whence he came, one could not say Though speculation arose, day after day That no one could indeed be this dense Without being a politician, or a post in a fence. Most frightening indeed, was his origin true In Mikester's mind, a fact gnown to few - Though in concept a jest most hilarious In practice became a burden most nefarious. The creator of the Wastrel began to discover The thoughts of his creation started to hover Over his life, dragging down his thoughts And in the Wastel's mind he found himself caught. O quick Death! bring to a timely end This Wastrel, who only continues to send Writings that lack in polish and wit And only purpose is to give us all fits. Finally, a fortunate decision freed us all From the Choleric Wastrel, who held in his thrall The attention of those who encountered his spoor And could not believe a mind could be so poor. Dead he is now, in that he no longer torments All of use here with his queries and laments, But pity his poor creator, for it would appear The Wastrel lives on, between Mikester's two ears. In the end we are only as real as we seem To those who gnow us only by the screen Upon which appears the words that we write By which we live and die, in the reader's sight. O Wastrel! cast us from our repose With your "Huhs" and "Whats" and "I don't knows" MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 07/29/94 AT 04:53:00 Comments : OBFUSCATED=666 BRAVO!=102 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 494. Date: 07/31/94. Time: 11:47:21. Read 61 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : stranger Subj : getting the lead out RECEIVED PERMIFIED Background music breaks in and plunders the conscious level briefly Brevity has it's place Time is and isn't Isn't it? it is getting boring Bring on the dancing horses... Hey Trigger- let's go. His wings spread wider than Texas his shadow darkens the moon I swoon in the center of the echo Ten headless horses pass overhead in traveling geese formation I honk for the fun it it I hear traffic I freak. I thought I was alone in this stoned prairie. I give cosmic spur to trigger and we get higher as we puff along Ah yes, that magic drag-on a joint You've got my number I've got yours What's up? a.o. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Stranger ON 07/31/94 AT 20:19:39 Message # 495. Date: 06/15/94. Time: 06:24:44. Read 78 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Stranger Subj : nuns like cows too RECEIVED PERMIFIED Disguise the limit! a.o. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 07/31/94 AT 21:44:34 Message # 496. Date: 05/22/94. Time: 21:59:50. Read 75 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : all Subj : PERMIFIED After too many instant logoffs on Do something weird, I finally got here. I couldn't leave without posting. post post post post post post post post post post It's post my bedtime. Bye a.o. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 07/31/94 AT 22:09:54 Message # 497. Date: 08/02/94. Time: 00:36:09. Read 58 Times. From : jackie ho To : Gravebuster Subj : Useless Trivia PERMIFIED basia reminds me of steely dan which reminds me of my best friends father which reminds me of my best friend which reminds me of the fact that i have not talked to her in over 6 months which reminds me that perhaps she is not my best friend anymore which reminds me of how crummy friendships can be which reminds me of why i hate people which reminds me that quite honestly this post was pointless... MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY Stranger ON 08/02/94 AT 02:46:13 Comments : OBFUSCATED=3 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 498. Date: 08/03/94. Time: 19:46:29. Read 65 Times. From : Ghost To : ALL Subj : Fool's Run PERMIFIED The walker escaped from the tangle of roads at the first gray seep of dawn. He moved quietly into the spreading light of the hills, admiring their slow green to gold ripening in this late, wet spring. The air was cold and crisp, surprisingly so for mid-May and sometimes wet with large, slow drops of rain that drummed around him, keeping time to the small crunch of his steps on rough ground. He moved with practiced deliberation. At first content to follow the lowest folds eroded by streams through the hills, later, as he warmed to his work, he began to move up through the first hanging valleys perfect for ambush, quietly noting the sentries that watched him as he passed. He scraped his feet purposefully on the path then to watch the jackrabbits flee to safety. Once a roadrunner paced him. Another time a sinuous line of quail crossed before him and flowed off into the brush. In the end, while not making as much distance as he had planned, the walker was satisfied to reach an old haunt. So he chose to stop on a rocky shelf below a hill, where the land fell away below him into a long valley. At first he simply spread a square of plastic on the ground and sat on it, tenting his hat and jacket about him against the intermittant rain, letting the weight of his pack lean against one knee. Slowly his eyes and ears opened up and out and tuned themselves to the colors and small sounds about him. And he sat and cut slivers of white cheese and ate them off his knife between cracker bites as he first watched a ribbon of red ants parade past the toes of one boot, then next the formal black and white and dun dress and regal strut of a Killdeer as it paced up to drink at a nearby seep of water, and, finally, after pausing to mimic the Killdeer's call in a moment of musical conversation, he looked out into the far distance, across the valley to the hills that rimmed the far side. Setting up his camp later, he angled the door to his small red tent carefully, taking great pains over just what view its door framed. And all that afternoon and most of the next day, he lay stretched out on his sleeping bag, ignoring the book under his hand, as he let the tides in his blood flow out to match the rhythm of the land around him. Sometimes he dozed mindlessly, and, in the unmeasured times between sleeps, he daydreamed, or listened to passing rainshowers, or simply watched the movement of clouds passing in front of his eyes. He noted the coming of snow that brushed only the tops of the distant charcoal wet hills and painted them to fade perfectly into the silver and black clouds. But mostly he just let his mind fly out across the limitless space over the valley to pace the moving curtain of rain that shivered under clouds like a dark tangle of sin. And even when he reluctantly moved about his camp, he did so with mind untethered, letting his hands work in unsupervised habit at their chores. He was content to freely continue on like this into forever. But, on what might have been the third day, the clouds broke open to brief sun. Without their shadow, the walker's mind began to clear, and he found thoughts of all the things he had climbed up to escape crowding in on him. Even though he knew that soon enough he would move back down into the drowning cares of the shadow lands, he first had one thing left to do. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 08/04/94 AT 18:01:55 Message # 499. Date: 08/04/94. Time: 20:03:24. Read 65 Times. From : BUCKO To : all Subj : AAArrrrg! YeeeOwwww!! I broke my little toe the other day and it still hurts like hell! Samshed it into the side of the couch at about warp 6. All I heard was this snap and then intense, screaming for attention right in your face, PAIN!!!!! You know EVERYBODY has done it at one time or another, sometimes more often than other people. I'll bet your saying, "Well who cares about your stupid toe!" Well the odd thing is I went to work and there's this old dude there who also broke his toe...same one too....on the same day.... Only he did his on a coffee table....Ouch! So I asked this old dude about what time it happened. Wooo...just a few hours later. So we went back to work. No big deal. But later I got to thinking....maybe there's some kind of Toe Stubbing Chain Reaction happening throughout the universe. Happened to him, then it happened to me......who was next? Some unknown force pretty much causes this Toe Stubbing Chain Reaction to hit just about everyone at some time or another. This force may be somewhere in the 3 and 3/4 dimension...you know the place where missing carkeys, socks, buttons disappear to, and Spam comes from. Well since I know the date and roughly the time if I keep track, I can roughly estimate when the next Toe Stubbing Chain Reaction should come. Sometime my theory gets blown away if I have A Toe Stubbing incident sooner than I would have expected. Maybe it doesn't hit one at a time, maybe hits masses all at once. What puzzles me is why my foot would want to make contact with an inanimate object when my brain was telling it to go somewhere else? Just a thought! Oh Yeah, one bit f advice. Tylenol #3 SUCKS! Get something better for the pain. How you ask? Just tell them (If their going to give Tylenol #3) that it makes you feel like you itch all over and have needles in every pore. And your nose tingles. Works every time!!!! And one more piece of advise......WEAR SHOES!!!!!!!! Bucko MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 08/05/94 AT 00:22:35 Comments : OUCH!=1 Message # 500. Date: 08/05/94. Time: 23:12:15. Read 70 Times. From : jackie ho To : Mikester Subj : Size does matter RECEIVED PERMIFIED i was always told that it was not the size of your moniter, but what you view with it jackie ho MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 08/06/94 AT 00:22:04 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 #500. Message # 501. Date: 08/04/94. Time: 20:29:21. Read 93 Times. From : jackie ho To : stranger/all Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED So I sit in the booth against the wall, and the music piped in through panels on the ceiling is a tune I know I remember and know I like with some part of my being, but before I can place it it fades into another of those endless strings of melodies foriegn to me. The small styrofoam cup of 35 cent coffee taunts me with a steamy whisper. It speaks to me with lips I recognize as my own, a light kiss given in hope, but quickly broken as the contents of it's soul scalded my being in a familiar gesture not forgotten...merely dormant. "Why have you come back to me ?" she asks. I watch her mutely from across the table, having no answer, wishing the way she had previously seared my tongue with that first tentative and fiery kiss was the sole reason I am struck mute. She utters a steamy sigh... "No matter...just that I have you back" She disgusts me. I see her lily white exterior slowly turning as soiled as the darkness contained within. Every bit of contact between us, whether i caress her with my fingers or lips some irremoveable trace is left as she slowly becomes as visibly stained as her soul. "Look at me," she demands from across the table. "See me as the drug I really am... You need me. You came to me wanting the identity you'd felt I would give you." I listen on in horror, my disgust growing stronger and stronger with each frighteningly accurate insight uttered from painted lips identical to mine. "You came to me out of desire. Not for me, oh no, but for the picture we made together. I gave you depth. Credibility. Authenticity. I made the reflection in the mirror resemble the person you were so desperately aching to become. Without me you have nothing. Without me you are no one. You are nobody." In one swift move that astounds even me I reach across the table and bring her directly to my trembling lips, embracing her tightly, forbidding any more of her achingly profound utterences to enter my ears. I feel her initial resistance as she tries to sear my insides once more, but I am rather pleased to find her fire has slowly dimmed with each sigh she wasted as I sat and contemplated her. She cannot fight me, and gives in to the mixing of our souls... Her warmth fills my mouth, my body, my soul with a languid familiarity strangely soothing but ultimately regretful, as I know from experience. I continue to consume her essence, gulping her down like a dehydrated man caught outside in the Santa Ana winds during the unforgiving noontime hour, and she doesn't cry out or express any discomfort at all as my fingernails make deep crescent indentations in her alabaster skin from my clinging to her as if my lover's life was dependent on it. Instead, she yeilds enticingly with each bit of pressure I apply. I then reach the final drops of her blackened soul that I had yet to consume... and these are uncharacteristically sweet, like a dissolving sugar-cube tucked into the warm pocket of your cheek. The pity of having to wade through so much bitterness to indulge in a mere few drops of innocent sweetness, artificial as I may have opted for, does not escape me...it rather horrifies me...and i push her away from my being, almost throwing her as far as I could without drawing unwanted attention to myself. She smirks at me from her place across the table, and I take in the darkly painted lips twisted into a smug and mocking leer. It is then that I realize how she has victored once again, and I feel deep in me the merger of our beings beginning to course through my veins, and it is now that the regrets come in waves. I am nauseous, a feeling I suppose I am accustomed to and have rather come to expect after being with her, and she sees this and laughs harder at my pain. I cringe in abdominal agony, and risk a glance in her loathsome direction, and it is then that I realize that she is now empty, devoid of use to me, worthless.... trash I take her soiled body and leave her at her next stop... where the cheaper ones of her type get taken when I have no further need for them. As the door swings shut on her crumpled frame I catch a glimpse of a myriad of others exactly like her, some drained as she is, some still with desperate offerings clinging to their insides, some even half intact, discarded in haste, their full potential never known... And before I can walk away I hear her call out to me, a final malediction, a spiteful oath before I close my mind and lips to her forever. "You'll come back... you always will. You need me." And though it may not always be her, she is still right. I will always need something that she or others like her have to offer me, for she was right when she said without them I am nothing I am no one nobody jackie ho MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 08/07/94 AT 00:03:55 Comments : BRAVO!=102 Message # 502. Date: 08/06/94. Time: 21:32:43. Read 90 Times. From : Mikester To : HACK MAN Subj : I'M BEING TEMPTED BY THE WORLD POG FEDERATION RECEIVED PERMIFIED (gnock gnock) HACK MAN: (opens door) Hello? MIKESTER: Hello! I represent your friendly semi-neighborhood comic book and gaming store, and I would like you to try a sample set of Magic cards. HACK MAN: Uh, no thank you. I'm busy flossing my toes. MIKESTER: Hey, now wait a minute! (jams foot into rapidly closing front door) This is a deal you just can't pass up! These cards come in many exciting and vibrant colors, and are printed on high-quality cardboard, not like, say, Spellfire. Are you sure you wouldn't like to try a sample? HACK MAN: No, really, I'm busy. My dear aunt Hackintosh is visiting.... MIKESTER: All right. You force me to get rough. I graduated first in my class at Pushy Salesman School (sponsored by the L.A. Times) and YOU are going to find out why! (begins waving previoiusly-concealed bat around) Am I going to have to use THIS? HACK MAN: Really...there's no need for such violence.... (reaches carefully into his pocket and withdraws a 1/2" thick brass slammer) MIKESTER: Are you ready to take my sample set of Magic cards? HACK MAN: Are YOU ready for THIS? (hurls slammer at Mikester, hitting him smack dab in the center of his forehead. Mikester's toupee flies off due to the force of the impact, and Mikester collapses on the Retreat porch) MIKESTER: Ugh... (passes out) HACK MAN: (retrieves slammer) It's nice to gnow these pog things are at least good for SOMEthing. MOVED FROM "Jehan's Toy Box" BY HACK MAN ON 08/07/94 AT 23:20:17 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=42 Message # 503. Date: 08/06/94. Time: 22:23:06. Read 92 Times. From : Jehan To : Shay Pas Subj : Um... RECEIVED PERMIFIED Uhm... Shay Pasus...the SATs. Hack Manus...preys...oh, my Gravebusterus...maybe a little overbuilt Strangerus...making too much sense... or viking off in an entirely new direction Ann Otherworldus...Huxley's brave...but Annie O's Wilder Mikesterus...mixing it up again Ghostus...tutu obvious, but the mostus Mynk Lynkus...something's definitely missing here, but since it is my mind, what do I mind? Mojous...a juicy slug au jus, not thick at all Telluraus...a wake up call for us all Psychous...deeply disturbing jackie ohus...and the mockingbird quoth, "Nevermore." Sheaus...a SLO escapee Fink Ploydus...still missing after all these years KEnus...snuke?...Hey, I finally found an anagram! Jehanus...God, I'm roman way out on a limb TO BE CONTINUED AS INSPIRATION STRIKES... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 08/07/94 AT 23:35:02 Comments : HAHAHA=101 DOINK=1 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 504. Date: 02/17/93. Time: 16:37:41. Read 90 Times. From : ZIPPY To : Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED I don't like frank sinatra or his children. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 08/08/94 AT 23:49:14 Message # 505. Date: 06/13/94. Time: 23:14:30. Read 88 Times. From : Stranger To : HACK MAN Subj : BY THE WAY RECEIVED PERMIFIED IT's pretty simple--- social particles (called people) each exert on other social particles a force of social gravity. Groups of people tend to share a common social gravity. A society is one diffuse social gravitational field, with smaller fields revolving around eachother inside it. The Retreat is a social black hole, that draws people in and makes them weirder. It also attracts free floating radicals. Once they pass the event horizon, they become Obfuscates. Stranger At the Singularity of Dillusion MOVED FROM "The Demented Herbarium" BY Gravebuster ON 08/09/94 AT 07:15:24 Comments : BRAVO!=101 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 507. Date: 08/17/94. Time: 10:47:55. Read 73 Times. From : Mikester To : Mojo IV Subj : Hello RECEIVED SQuish! MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 08/18/94 AT 10:12:59 Message # 508. Date: 08/18/94. Time: 20:45:19. Read 62 Times. From : Mikester To : KEn Subj : POGS!!!!!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED WHAT TO DO WITH POGS 1. See how many fit up your nose. 2. Put white creamy stuff on them and make cardboard oreos. 3. Use a small stack of them to even out the crooked leg on your table. 4. Use them as coasters for shot glasses. 5. Punch a hole through them, string them together, and wear it as cheap jewelry. 6. Give them to the children of people you don't like 7. Get a few hundred more, glue them together, and beat people with them. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 08/19/94 AT 01:16:17 Message # 509. Date: 07/03/94. Time: 05:41:30. Read 102 Times. From : Tellura To : all Subj : uh PERMIFIED You gnow, I've never done this before. Typong in the dark, because I'm too damn lazy to turn on the desk lamp... ^see what I mean? I've never pulled an all-nighter before. Here I am, at, as Vampire would say, "Oh-my-God-fucking-early" trying to peck out a non-intelligible post in the early am light Listening to eMpTyV playing in the background... Robert fell asleep a while ago, leaving me to the mercies of the computer and TV I can barely keep my vivion straight, I'm so wired.. a whole pot of coffee in one sitting... Oh jeez... They're playing an ad from the 80's preservation society again... and my hands are shaking, which would attribute to my typing accuracy going down and down and down... Why do we have that, anyway? Oh, looking up, I see I erringly typed "vivion" that is supposed to be vision, really it is. I'm in a bizzare old mood and well, I don't know what I'm doing, beating my frustrations out on a defensless computer to all you BBS people out in computer-monitor-land... ack. At 6, I'm supposed to wake Robert up and we are going to walk to the grocery store and buy donuts and maybe then I'll fall asleep. These are just random musings, I hope you don't mind, you're just an eye to type in Shit, I can't believe what I'm typing here... I need a cigarette, and I just smoked my last one about 2 hours ago, and I'm not about to steal one of Robert's... blech. I get this feeling that this post is gfoing to be BOgged... I know it... but is it BOgworthy? T- 4 minutes and counting before I am gone/... Oh wait... they're playing Nine Inch Nails on eMpTyV... hold on a sec... perhaps its not as empty as I thought... too bad they had to censor it... They use pigs heads and sides of beef in interesting ways in thjis video..., it's very interesting. There is this big grey cat outside in the backyard who seems to want to be let in... but this isn't my house, It's not my prerogative to invite houseguests. Well, I've missed most of the video by now... Oh well. This post will end shortly, by the way... as soon as I come to a good place to end it... here looks nice. Tell... In a rambling mood MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 07/04/94 AT 16:17:57 MOVED FROM "3AM CLUB" BY HACK MAN ON 08/19/94 AT 01:17:32 Comments : HAHAHA=1 RASPBERRYS=1 DOINK=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 510. Date: 08/19/94. Time: 21:56:23. Read 4 Times. From : BUCKO To : hackman Subj : PRIVATE RECEIVED A ..d8b.. ..:::d888b:::.. :::::d88888b::::: :::::d8888888b::::: :::d888888888b:::: ::{8888P"::"V8,:: :D8P":::::::VD: dP ``````` Y Live Long and Prosper! Kirk out. MOVED FROM "EMAIL" BY HACK MAN ON 08/20/94 AT 00:49:11 #510. Message # 511. Date: 08/22/94. Time: 13:26:25. Read 8 Times. From : Stranger To : Jackie Ho Subj : ah ha PRIVATE RECEIVED PERMIFIED Is it wrong to want to live on your own? No, it's not wrong--but I must gnow How can someone so young Sing words so sad? Sheila take a, Sheila take a bow Boot the grime of this world in the crotch, dear And don't go home tonight Come out and find the one that you love and who loves you Is it wrong not to always be glad No, it's not wrong--but I must add How can someone so young Sing words so sad? Sheila take a, Sheila take a bow Boot the grime of this world in the crotch, dear And don't go home tonight Come out and find the one that you love and who loves you Take my hand and off we stride You're a girl and I'm a boy Take my hand and off we stride I'm a girl and you're a boy Sheila take a, Sheila take a bow Throw your homework into the fire Come out and find the one you love Come out and find the one that you love Stranger MOVED FROM "Downloader's Anonymous" BY KEn ON 08/22/94 AT 14:45:30 Message # 512. Date: 08/22/94. Time: 12:49:03. Read 74 Times. From : Tellura To : all Subj : um This post is Satanic. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY The Hanged Man ON 08/22/94 AT 19:42:44 Comments : WAY!=666 NO WAY!=666 HAHAHA=666 RASPBERRYS=666 BLOWS!=666 Message # 513. Date: 08/22/94. Time: 13:32:49. Read 68 Times. From : Stranger To : Tellura Subj : um RECEIVED This post is post-Satanic. Stranger MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY The Hanged Man ON 08/22/94 AT 19:43:26 Comments : WAY!=667 NO WAY!=667 HAHAHA=667 RASPBERRYS=667 BLOWS!=667 Message # 514. Date: 08/22/94. Time: 19:27:11. Read 63 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Tellura Subj : um RECEIVED THIS POST IS GENERIC. C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY The Hanged Man ON 08/22/94 AT 19:44:00 Comments : WAY!=1 NO WAY!=1 HAHAHA=1 RASPBERRYS=1 BLOWS!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 515. Date: 08/23/94. Time: 23:46:24. Read 83 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Hello. SQuish!! Message # 516. Date: 08/25/94. Time: 07:33:15. Read 64 Times. From : The Lunatic To : The Conspirators Subj : Useful Information PERMIFIED There has been much debate as to the validity of certain mythical claims as they pertain to modern time and space, meteorologically speaking, and the spontaneous collapse of atmospheric integrity as prophesied by a certain gallinaceous figure after preliminary observations of the noted phenomenon, and although this catastrophic warning has not been heeded, but reduced to accounts intended to reinforce a social stigma into the minds of juvenile innocents, thus losing the profound importance and cautionary significance originally intended by the prophet, it is crucial that this issue is confronted and considered in light of modern scientific technology and its ability to clarify the facts, and comprehend the meaning behind the facts. It is not important that the prophet was unaware of the bulk of modern discoveries and the significance logically drawn from such experiences, because quantum physics still worked despite the knowledge of gravity or lack thereof. The prophetic vision still holds valid, and scientifically verifiable if considered objectively from the observers point of view. We must also refrain from allowing the labels imposed by misinformed historians to influence us as to the validity and authority of the prophet, for by labelling a historical figure as "great" we tend to disregard the faults and inferiority present in what would be human nature, and in the same way, giving a title such as "little" to a prophet will only result in the general populous underestimating the profound importance of the visions, and reducing the credibility and awareness of the profound impact implied. A basic knowledge of gravitational phenomenon and atmospheric response will yield the obvious conclusion that there are significant forces acting upon matter, including that which is normally in the gaseous state. It is clear that the body of greatest mass will pull on that with the least, and since atmospheric density is minute compared to that of the earth, one can only conclude the result of a collective relocation of such matter from locations higher up to those closer to the earth, thus falling in infinite grace upon the surface, and proving that which we have failed to understand through the disintegration of fact into myth. It is therefore important for us to accept the significance of the prophets claims, for in the face of all available facts it is quite clear that Chicken Little was very correct, the sky is falling.... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 08/25/94 AT 08:10:59 Message # 517. Date: 08/24/94. Time: 02:22:34. Read 83 Times. From : Stranger To : Hackintosh Subj : Doink! PERMIFIED 2000 calls. I was prepared to gloss over it and move onward with seeming uncaring and cool demeanor, but I have become ensnared in the thought- form that is 2000 calls to Hack's Retreat. I have made the decision to connect with the peoplenet on Hack's Retreat on 2000 separate occasions! 2000 times have I chosen to share myself and eat of everyone else, to teach, to confuse, to irritate, to befriend, to discordiate, to love. The Retreat has become alive with telecommunicate cries - - with yells and yawps, and sighs, and discourses, quotes, essays & obfuscated railings against mankind and simple dillusion, too. I have decided 2000 times to open myself to ridicule, embarrassment, contempt, appreciation, interest, and love. And I can say that I am happy for it... all the love of my life--and much of my hate--is concentrated right here. Is the Retreat important? Of course... is the Retreat on the downward spiral? * What is up & down to a mind/soul--what is direction to infinite speed? The Retreat is the Retreat, the same For Now and Forever; a poem written in space/time instead of ink, an eternity of yes that will always pervade, conquering and growing even as it changes into the distorted reflection of it's future self, only to Become once more--- ----------------------- an artform expressed in personality instead of | | color, more permanent than stone and only forgotten | THIS BOX | by each onrushing vanguard wave; repeated like | | litanies by pious new users; sung like anthems | RESERVED FOR | by gung-ho warriors of Obfuscation. | | * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * | DONATIONS. | +++---+++---+++---+++---+++---+++---+++---+++---+++ ----------------------- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Yes, the Retreat is important, undamaged and ever-renewed--- a gem of human interaction and emotion. Stranger e. X-ile Monsignor Lord Apathy Undulatis El Strango The Librarian BAron BOg Holder of the Seven Holy Figs of Olliramac MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 08/27/94 AT 08:13:25 Comments : BRAVO!=3 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 518. Date: 08/30/94. Time: 23:45:55. Read 68 Times. From : Mikester To : HACK MAN Subj : ?? RECEIVED PERMIFIED In the beginning, there was a whole lot of nothing. Then, someone realized that a whole lot of nothing was, in fact, something, and lo and behold, there was a Taco Bell on every street corner. Yea, and it was good. --M. MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT" BY HACK MAN ON 08/31/94 AT 08:08:17 Message # 519. Date: 05/20/94. Time: 18:54:19. Read 72 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Shay Pas Subj : Weird things you see all the time, but were afraid to think about... RECEIVED PERMIFIED water water is weird, too. think of a cross-section picture of the ocean. at some thousands of miles towards Terra's core is where earth meets ocean. but, from there to what we see (the water's surface) is just water. piles and piles of water! water's weird if you can think of it being just a bunch-o piles of stuff. the piles are supporting eachother and they don't fray or bleed where we slice our hands through them! nifty, eh? :) i would go into why wood is weird, but at the moment, i am thirsty. Shay Pas MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 09/01/94 AT 23:39:51 Comments : WOW!=1 Message # 520. Date: 05/22/94. Time: 21:59:50. Read 82 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : all Subj : PERMIFIED After too many instant logoffs on Do something weird, I finally got here. I couldn't leave without posting. post post post post post post post post post post It's post my bedtime. Bye a.o. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 09/01/94 AT 23:42:16 #520. Message # 521. Date: 05/28/94. Time: 12:22:07. Read 75 Times. From : Stranger To : Oxnardus Subj : pas RECEIVED PERMIFIED Nuts and dolts hold the universe together. Stranger MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 09/01/94 AT 23:47:12 Message # 522. Date: 06/10/94. Time: 01:22:48. Read 90 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : resi-dues and loop de looos PERMIFIED how could he gnow how did he see the line that was drawn right next to the fan in the corner the last thing i wanted the last thing i hated was the last thing i ate it left me cold it left me down and up away from atomic enterprise on bad days this hurts but not now when all is clear and even prometheus is smiling. no? okay but when finally yes you come around and then kill the last few drops dont cry to me about the colors of death and the hues of dues or lost little roos in tiny cages golden to touch and death to see, or seed to dye with caustic wry and infinite rhyme everlasting meter til finally poetry is measured in kilometers not ink or electrons sentries of the mystery inside or are they exiles from nirvana, like kurt? st ranger MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 09/01/94 AT 23:54:54 Comments : BRAVO!=3 Message # 523. Date: 06/11/94. Time: Anytime. Read 76 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : Shay Pas Subj : A Shrine, perhaps it is RECEIVED PERMIFIED It entered my head the other day. I tried to hard to get it to come, and nothing worked. well, nothing until I looked away and spent my time counting how many farm animals and balloons, and garden hoes I could find hidden i the trees across the way. I knelt and studied the ground you walked on, looking for signs of divinity, but all I found was a trail of bed-crumbs, and a couple of fun nights that seemed to stretch into long afternoons It was the kinda thing you liked to do, jump insideof me while I was busy doing something else. I was about to the last of balloons when I felt your tickle. Your hands are cold, colder than your heart I was glad to find. Cooled sight is clearer sight MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 09/01/94 AT 23:56:43 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 524. Date: 06/15/94. Time: 21:19:30. Read 75 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Anonymously Yours Subj : A Shrine, perhaps it is PERMIFIED so laid the sight, chilled with very un-French ice cubes. so gnelt the sight, perspiring under the glare of its observers. so stood the sight, tensing as they raised their hands to pass behind it. no question that warmer sight made the sight translucent. steamed sight breaks pencils. so paced the sight, waiting for judgement. "The droplets obscure sight!" "Nay, they magnify it." Shay Pas MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 09/02/94 AT 00:02:34 Message # 525. Date: 08/24/94. Time: 00:10:04. Read 77 Times. From : Stranger To : blau reiders Subj : "swallowed" PERMIFIED "swallowed" (a song by S. ><-ile) seven angels came unto me and they spat fire and tragedy they flew me up to Xanadu on wings of holy intoxication showed me the temple of the eye told me that I too would die then the angels laughed at me and I dropped like a stone into the sea I sank to deep sunken Atlantis and met Leviathan the King he looked and listened and swallowed me he took me to wisdom and gnew me swallowed swallowed swallowed swallowed if only I could wash ashore I might learn to love once more seven devils came unto me and they sang divine comedy they took me home to Olliramac spread bland comfort and ecstacy showed me the temple of the I told me that I too would die Stranger MOVED FROM "The Demented Herbarium" BY IFNI ON 09/04/94 AT 12:24:21 Comments : BLOWS!=1 BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 Message # 526. Date: 09/12/94. Time: 07:54:49. Read 55 Times. From : The Hanged Man To : Mikester Subj : It's a beautiful world we live in.... RECEIVED PERMIFIED Ugh... CREDIT UNION!!! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!! MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 09/12/94 AT 09:16:14 Message # 527. Date: 09/10/94. Time: 20:34:07. Read 80 Times. From : Tellura To : all Subj : ... PERMIFIED The wedding of the future: "Do you promise to love, cherish, honor, and respect your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, for better or worse for as long as you both shall live?" "For yes, press 1...." Tell... MOVED FROM "Love & Hate" BY HACK MAN ON 09/12/94 AT 20:46:50 Comments : HAHAHA=2 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 528. Date: 09/14/94. Time: 13:14:10. Read 82 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Image Comics "Image is not so much the apotheosis of mediocrity as the apotheosis of ineptitude and incompetence in writing, drawing, storytelling, and content. If anything, the founding members have managed to dumb down and vulgarize an idiom not known for its application of intelligence or sensitivity, and have consistently displayed an arrogant contempt for the medium and an unbridled ignorance of its history coupled with a moral obtuseness rivaled only by the corporations to whom they owe their success. Their public posturing and their barely-intelligible pronouncements are invariably an embarrassment to the entire profession and merely serve to reinforce in the public mind the perception that comic books are not only read by air-headed dolts, but produced by them as well." Gary Groth, from Comics Journal #170 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY The Hanged Man ON 09/14/94 AT 23:42:50 Comments : BLAH=1 Message # 529. Date: 12/03/93. Time: 11:56:44. Read 82 Times. From : Mojo IV To : all/stranger/the bell captain/anonymously yours Subj : x-iled RECEIVED Why oh why oh why oh why. Y O Y O Y O Y. Badda bing, Badda boom. To the moon, Alice. To da moon! I've been seeing him again. He peeks around the dresser and watches me while I sleep. I know he's there, but I can't do anything about it. He's watching me, and I don't know why. I flip on the lights, and he's gone. When a caller connects, and light flashes of the computer screen, he ducks back, and I can't see him. But I know he's there. He won't go away! Almond shaped, whiteless eyes, like black pearls -- an inverted teardrop for a head. A slit for a mouth... he peaks around the dresser and watches me. I lay awake for hours, motionless. My blanket will protect me. It's protected me from monsters and vampires and dragons -- the insecure terrors of childhood. Its not the same blanket, but the effects the same. Mommy gave me the blanket to protect me from the monsters. And it keeps him at bay. Why? I don't know. All he does is watch, like he's envious or something. Like he's trying to see something. He's waiting for something. I turn my back on him and try to ignore him, but he doesn't go away. I turn back quickly, hoping to catch him, but the light off the screen and from the moon is dim, and he is very fast. He ducks back behind the dresser. He's not a monster, though. Monsters go away when you tell them to. He just waits there. I tell him to go. I tell him I know he's there, but he doesn't answer. I don't even know if he can talk. Sometimes, I imagine that he's calling to me, but I don't hear the words at all. Not a sound, except the wind whistling through the plants outside my open window. So I toss something at him. It hits nothing but wall. But he's still there. If anything, he's more obvious. The more silent he is, the better he hides, the more I'm convinced he's there. He's watching me, and he's waiting for something. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it. =>Mojo IV<= SQuishy BOgSLug MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 09/17/94 AT 00:18:27 Comments : NO WAY!=1 OBFUSCATED=1 BRAVO!=1 OH MY GOD!=1 Message # 530. Date: 09/18/94. Time: 17:09:06. Read 69 Times. From : Mikester To : Carlos the Romantic Shark Killer Subj : Traffic School Film Festival First on the agenda was the animated cinema spectacular "Pro Driving Attitudes." Remember, everyone: Be Alert, Wary, Patient, and Considerate! Next was the driver's ed classic, "Red Asphalt II" -- the less gory sequel to the extremely unpleasant "Red Asphalt." I averted my eyes from the screen and enjoyed the pseudo-70s guitar rock. Lastly was the exceptionally dramatic "If Only..." -- a long lingering look at people who suffered by not wearing a seatbelt and getting into a car wreck. Most notable about this film was the emphasis on how much of a burden handicapped people are on their families, which, I'm sure, most handicapped people REALLY appreciated. (sigh) Oh, BTW, sitting in the same chair for eight hours really leaves you with a sore butt. --M. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY The Hanged Man ON 09/19/94 AT 07:25:54 #530. Message # 531. Date: 09/20/94. Time: 10:57:32. Read 63 Times. From : KEn To : all Subj : True love PERMIFIED I held her in my arms last night, her head resting gently upon my chest. Looking at her, I realized that she was the most beautifull girl I had ever known. Eyes that could melt your heart if you stared into them long enough, skin so soft that just by touching it, you would forget all the other sensations that touch had ever afforded.. I sat with her for the longest time, wondering if she really knew how much I adored her, praying that she stayed my girl forever, until I thought my heart would burst from this love. I picked her up, carried her into the room, laid her down, and gently kissed her face... Hoping the she have sweet dreams, I smiled and said goodnight, to my sweet one, my pride, my daughter... "I love you Kylee", I whispered, hoping that perhaps in some small way, time would slow down, so she wouldn't grow so fast... I love you little girl... Daddy MOVED FROM "Love & Hate" BY HACK MAN ON 09/20/94 AT 12:28:56 Comments : WOW!=1 Message # 532. Date: 09/22/94. Time: 17:30:47. Read 71 Times. From : The Necromancer To : all Subj : The Second Law of Thermodynamics PERMIFIED A Necromancer at rest tends to remain at rest. A Necromancer in motion tends to be looking for a plact to rest. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 09/25/94 AT 16:20:56 Message # 533. Date: 09/25/94. Time: 18:38:51. Read 76 Times. From : Tellura To : all Subj : umm Childhood was for fantasies, for nursery rhymes and toys The world was much to busy to understand small girls and boys As I grew up I came to learn that life is not a game That heroes were just people that we called another name And the old shall dream dreams And the youth shall see visions And our hopes shall rise up to the sky We must live for today We must build for tomorrow Give us time, give us strength Give us life Now I've grown, the years have passed, I've come to understand There are choices to be made, and my life's in my command I cannot have the future till I embrace my past I promise to persue the challenge-time is going fast And the old shall dream dreams And the youth shall see visions And our hopes shall rise up to the sky We must live for today We must build for tomorrow Give us time, give us strength Give us life Today's the day I take my stand, the future's mine to hold Commitments that I make today are dreams from days of old I have to make the way for generations come and go I have to teach them what I've learned so they will come to know That the old shall dream dreams And the youth shall see visions And our hopes shall rise up to the sky We must live for today We must build for tomorrow Give us time, give us strength Give us life Give us time, give us strength Give us life Give us life -1985, Debora Lynn Friedman MOVED FROM "The Asylum" BY The Lunatic ON 09/26/94 AT 02:37:28 Comments : WAY!=1 BRAVO!=26 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 534. Date: 09/17/94. Time: Anytime. Read 77 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : all Subj : umm PERMIFIED Love had never been a very important part of my life. I had seen it in movies, and Crystal Smith and Jake Paulson, the 1994 nominees for Senior Sweethearts at Ocean Crest High School smooching between classes was enough to turn anyone's stomach. So love was never really close to me. Sure, I had my guy friends. But going out with one of them was not memorable enough to be called a "date" for me. A date is when a guy brings a dozen roses, takes you out to a ritzy French restaurant and pays for it all, even the frills, and that's followed by the symphony or an old 1940's romantic movie. What I get is a pounding on my door at 7:00 pm. One of my "buddies", as I personally term them, comes in, muttering "C'mon, we're late; we'll miss the previews" even tho it's his fault: he was supposed to pick me up at 6:30. Then it's usually some grade B drive-in movie reject horror flick and greasy fries at McDonalds afterwards... going dutch, of course. There always was a bit of hope that one of my "buddies" would begin to see me as more than a friend. But no dice. Finally, I figured thta if I had my friends, I would be ok. But recently, when I came across Jake and Crystal playing tonsil hockey before 5th period, I no longer felt like puking... I had felt nothing like it before... could it be... JEALOUSY? Nah. Couldn't be. Love is stupid. Why would I be jealous? But I was. Not of Crystal, because Jake was a dip. Not of Jake (I'm no lesbian!) Maybe I was jealous because they had found someone, And I hadn't. Ahem, no. I wasn't jealous. Love bites. So finally I just walked up to Crystal in Algebra class and asked her what love was like. I never really liked Crystal. She always seemed like the perfect example of a blonde. She has black hair. She was as flaky as my grandmother's pie crust. This is what she said: "Well, like, your whole life just like, fall into place and everything just is like, clear and like, sharp, and like, cool!" Hmm... that didn't like, (ahem) didn't sound too bad. Maybe I was like, (excuse me.) just not looking in the right like, (pardon me) places. Anon... MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 09/27/94 AT 03:44:18 Comments : BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 Message # 535. Date: 09/30/94. Time: 09:11:18. Read 76 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : ?.! PERMIFIED This is not the post you're looking for. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 10/03/94 AT 14:55:09 Message # 536. Date: 10/13/94. Time: 18:13:47. Read 76 Times. From : The Hanged Man To : All Subj : The Future Through the miracle of the Nexus Distortion Wave, I was able to logon to the Cracking Corner II, circa 2742, and download a copy of the Encyclopedia Britanica. The following are some excepts from that most wonderful tome: BOg: A great, bottomless mass where bad things sink and good things ride. Revered by both the SQuishanists and the SQuiskanists as the source of all, and accepted by the New Mormon Church of Obfuscation as the last resting plce of the "Big Toe" pictured in their philosphies. Modern Scholars reject the existence of the BOg due to archeological evidence which suggests that the BOg was in fact a Mire. Hack Man: In Obfuscanity, the wearer of the Big Toe and great prophet of Obfuscation. Mentioned in both SQuishy, SQuisky, Obfuscatory, and Muslim texts, he is said to have sprung fully grown from a Z-80 processor in the year 1964(Year 1 by the Newly Obfuscated Callender). Modern Dillusionists consider this figure to be a sham: a minor apostle to the Great Lunatic of the Spilled Bong water, whom they hold to be their true prophet. Modern archeologists have rejected the existence of this figure, believing him in fact to be David Koresh, founder of the Modern Brach Davidian and Grill movement. Mojo IV: In SQuishy mythology, a BOgSLug who ruled a world called Neck'Sus, which had its own BOg. The Highly Flatulent Monks of Reseda hold him to be the discoverer of SQuish, although SQuishanist generally hold the great Baronet Mike "Mikey" Stier-Liiing as such, and Mojo as his first convert to the new religion(see Baronet Mikester). Legends state the Mojo ruled Neck'Sus until the rise of an upstart, called Derr Hung Mensh, who was a former student of the Baronet. He betrayed and murdered Mojo, and took his throne for his own. SQuiskanists, however, hold the Mojo and Derr Hung Mensh were, in fact, the same person. There is very little evidence to support the theory of the SQuishy Discordians, that Mojo IV and the discordian apostle, Dr Van Van Mojo were the same person. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY The Hanged Man ON 10/16/94 AT 08:43:49 Comments : PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 537. Date: 10/16/94. Time: 00:58:09. Read 58 Times. From : Stranger To : Psycho Subj : medfly spraying RECEIVED PERMIFIED We all have our Supra-ObfuscatronDoinkFields(tmm) activated, so that pesky malathion won't hurt anyone from the Retreat, unless they get near yellow kryptonite. Stranger MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX" BY HACK MAN ON 10/16/94 AT 11:09:23 Message # 538. Date: 10/04/94. Time: 17:54:22. Read 77 Times. From : Grazz't To : all Subj : Another One Only Rain Days and years, melt into one. At once you're here, as fast your gone. Soul in the gutter, lost in the deep. The waters of despair, beginning to seep. Caressing your mind, velvety touch. Sinking down deeper, the pressure's too much. Chilled to the core, icy collapse. Insanities near, consciousness lapse. Bent from the pressure, broken in pain. Suddenly it stops! ONLY RAIN. Grazz'itude MOVED FROM "Love & Hate" BY Tellura ON 10/29/94 AT 14:00:25 Comments : WAY!=1 Message # 539. Date: 11/01/94. Time: 07:08:00. Read 54 Times. From : Tellura To : all literate people Subj : unfortunately, even more poetry by yours truly. PERMIFIED (I am apologizing in advance) We travel down and empty, uncharted yet often used path saying nothing and the music speaks for us a dove sails overhead as a feeling of peace settles over my heart as though touched and blessed by the soft ivory wingtips of the dove as we move farther down our road and a hawk soars over our heads persuing the dove caught in a corner of clouds knows there's no way out peacefully calmly penetratingly gazes at her hunter light of compsssion flickers in hawks' eyes battling with doubt Peace touches warrior instinct and calm and the hawk flies away with the dove. --Tellura '94 MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 11/01/94 AT 08:13:06 Comments : WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 540. Date: 10/31/94. Time: 08:41:14. Read 76 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Psycho Subj : ELECTIONS RECEIVED PERMIFIED I DON'T THINK THE PROBLEM HAS A SOLUTION THAT ISN'T CRUEL. THAT'S THE PROBLEM. IN ORDER TO FIX THINGS YOU HAVE TO BE CRUEL TO SOMEBODY. SO, WE WILL JUST HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT. PROBABLY THE ONLY PEACEFUL WAY TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM WOULD BE IF THE POPE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT BIRTH CONTROL WAS A REALLY GOOD IDEA. C- - - MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 11/01/94 AT 15:33:49 Comments : BRAVO!=1 #540. Message # 541. Date: 11/01/94. Time: 21:08:47. Read 81 Times. From : Ashiqui To : all Subj : i hate this i hate this i hate this not being able to remember what i type the second the letters drip from my fingers. drip drip dripdrip drip but it isn't ten fifteen...hell, it isn't even saturday and my feet are no longer hungry because they are pink secret weapon control a la femme jedi masters who are reeling from this newly discovered seperation. a trio a trio a trio rocking and rolling and reeling and rocking just split into a duo and the duo the duo is...is...not the duo i'm missing. duo duo duo it sounds so italian or rather so Milton Bradley. you know i miss rice pudding and pumpkins that people remember to... remember to...remember...to...rememb---Oh GOD! here i had been so selfish thinking about my own prophecy decreed halloween, and i completely forgot about forgotten pumpkins pumpkins no one carved or lit or even displayed. and this house seems so dirty so wrong so foul like it makes you feel immoral like this song is so dirty but not dirty like mtv jams but dirty like just...just...wrong. just dusty, really, i suppose. god, i've been on an awful long time...why hasn't anyone called us ? oops, i reckon i probably jinxed it now. line noise? line noise? no? whew...i feel like the virgin mary with the kitten messiah in her arms and fantasy feet. a little steamboat is pressed against my tummy and the muppet show band is playing behind me, i'm convinced of it. childhood nightmares stare at me from the kitchen floor and this music is eerily chuck.e.cheese behind me. i've decided that guns are icky bad harbingers of something worse than death, and that is pain and fear. Quentin Tarantino told me this as we Halloween Day-d it over pink lemonade and crushed ice. he has the name you can spot over a shoulder. my baby grows heavier nd heavier and heavier as i realize just how much he is but yet isn't from me. of me. mine. with another e that could be ene . who...this is much too long....i'm going to fuck up my "average message length" thingie... Princess Akasha MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY The Hanged Man ON 11/02/94 AT 06:50:05 Comments : HAHAHA=1 RASPBERRYS=1 OBFUSCATED=1 OH MY GOD!=1 Message # 542. Date: 11/10/94. Time: 10:22:29. Read 74 Times. From : Ghost To : Unasked Questions Subj : PERMIFIED fade to light the essential sadness of the single heart alone in the waiting hours of dark finds conversations in browngreen enough when unheard words dream whisper light 11/10/94 MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY HACK MAN ON 11/11/94 AT 17:43:22 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 543. Date: 11/13/94. Time: 10:00:37. Read 62 Times. From : Shay Pas To : all Subj : spindonkeygreenday PERMIFIED what another louverly day...i woke up earlier than i had to and stayed awake. i remember waking up sloowwwlly from a pizza dream. heehee i had a dream about a funky pizza place near the beach. a friend recommended visiting the place and getting a free bite-sample. i concur with m'other friends (hereby to be referred to as the trinity) and we (the trinity) leave him to sit on the curb of an on-ramp. so, we go into the pizza place, which looks unnervingly like a McDonald's-Wendy's joint, and walk up to the head guy. he's standing at the center of the place with a popcorn-cart-like thingie, giving out pizzas. the whole thing about this dream is the pizzas. the pizzas are weird-sauced, microwave-pizza cheesed units on a waffle! yick. well, it was funky and i woke up with a weird taste in my mouth and my imaginary Eggos are soggy... ok, so here i am posting 'cause i feel like posting (duh). i woke up and mentally "D'oh!"d 'cause the pooter was still on from last night. yes'erday i had a tea party. it was pretty nifty. just the trinity and the immortal 'cause other people couldn't come. so, we grabbed the dining chairs and took 'em out back to the picnic table and tea'd. the immortal told a Ghost story that he admitted had a bit of bulldoody in it fer spice while footsie played with the candle wax. immy also told us of a recent dreamwalking experience in which he had forewarned the dreamer not to "open all his doors" (doors go to sectors like doors to the past, the subconscious, one's fears, sections of one's life, etc), but the dreamer did, so immy says very calmly that he now gnows what makes the dreamer tick, what the dreamer's scared of and stuff like that. i think he'd exaggerated a tad, but it's an intruiging idea nonetheless. well, i've strayed from original intention of informing y'all of how nifty a day it really is and stuff, but oh well i feel weird. it's a nifty weird though. it's an exceptionally fresh sort of weird. i listened to green day and the lemonheads and they sound/ed really nice, crisp, i'm-gonna-do- somehting-today kind of fresh. zowie. now i stop gurgling and go do something. like save this msg MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 11/14/94 AT 07:15:59 Message # 544. Date: 11/13/94. Time: 10:33:29. Read 75 Times. From : Mikester To : HACK MAN Subj : All Hallow's Eve RECEIVED PERMIFIED A group of people went to my friend Rob's Halloween party, and they were all dressed normally. Rob wasn't going to let them in (no costume, no entry) but they claimed to be dressed as movie extras. Rob let them in. --M. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 11/14/94 AT 07:16:39 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 545. Date: 11/14/94. Time: 09:23:55. Read 69 Times. From : Mikester To : The Necromancer Subj : Crossovers! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Okay, I won't let you hang. I shall now prove to you the extent of my nerdiness: here is how the Flaming Carrot can meet the Aliens. 1. The Flaming Carrot once met Cerebus. 2. Cerebus met the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 3. The Turtles once met Archie Andrews (of "Arche, Betty and Veronica" fame). 4. Archie met the Punisher. 5. Punisher fought Batman. 6. Batman fought the Predator. 7. And Predators, of course, fought Aliens. See how easy that was? :) --M. MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY HACK MAN ON 11/15/94 AT 08:32:48 Message # 546. Date: 11/12/94. Time: 23:01:16. Read 103 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : All Subj : So it goes... PERMIFIED "One Day" I was told early on in my life that I had extreme potential. They said that I had the power to accomplish in anything I'd ever attempt. I told them "Bullshit." I was sick and tired of the constant praise. Potential is a negative number. An ethereal potion which has no substance until one creates it. I told them that I refused to make that negative a positive, a reality for them to admire. "Fuck you all," I muttered in rebellious ineptitude. "I'm sick of all your crap. I'll be a genius if I damned well feel like being one. Go away." I was inflicted with a curse, a disease that others sought. I have been treated as a social leper my whole life, and those around me wanted the bacteria of thought nonetheless. I was a plague, whose symptoms were apathy, silence, solitude, and depression. Still the praise washed over me as a flood will rise to drown a smiling child. Even from those close to me, I wasn't to be understood. My mother, bearer of my ancestry and origin of my pain, bragged to the others inside that her baby was a brain, an Einstein, and smartest in his class. I smiled, pausing only to insert the sewing needles into their eyes. They screamed as I did so, for logical reasons. Well sure. After all, they did have eight-inch metal spikes in a place where there would usually be a glint of color and more than a splash of white... Their corneas gleamed red, as they extended their hand in congratulations. Fortunately, for my academic and criminal records, my powerful imagination could not affect those around me, in physical manifestations. Not yet, anyway. The joke was on them, of course... They said I was to succeed at any endeavour I should attempt... And they were right. њfPњ MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 11/18/94 AT 12:21:39 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=2 OH MY GOD!=1 Message # 547. Date: 11/19/94. Time: 02:49:07. Read 78 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Mikester Subj : Crossovers! RECEIVED PERMIFIED So what?! I can prove that Gilligan can fight Beavis and Butthead. 1. Gilligan's Island met the Harlem Globetrotters 2. The Harlem Globetrotters met Scooby Doo. 3. Scooby Doo met Batman. 4. Batman fought the Predator. 5. The Predator fought Aliens. 6. Aliens fought Sigourney Weaver. 7. Sigourney Weaver fought Melanie Griffith. (In 'Working Girl') 8. Melanie Griffith fought Don Johnson. (They're married.) 9. Don Johnson fought Penn Jillete. (On a Miami Vice episode.) 10. Penn & Teller went on David Letterman, many times. 11. Letterman met Beavis & Butthead at the MTV Video Music Awards. See? Simple, eh? њfPњ MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 11/19/94 AT 18:50:58 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 548. Date: 11/22/94. Time: 00:12:04. Read 87 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : All Subj : Ho-hum. PERMIFIED I...Electroencephalogram...I...Electroencephalogram...I...Electroencephalogram. He...Interdenominational...He...Interdenominational...He...Interdenominational. God...Quantificationally...God...Quantificationally...God...Quantificationally. Caps...Fritlditlbotlbing...Caps...Fritlditlbotlbing...Caps...Fritlditlbotlbing. Disks...Tintinnabulation...Disks...Tintinnabulation...Disks...Tintinnabulation. Uncola...Phenylketonuric...Uncola...Phenylketonuric...Uncola...Phenylketonuric. Seventy...Defenestration...Seventy...Defenestration...Seventy...Defenestration. Tropical...Nymphomaniacs... iacs...Tropical...Nymphomaniacs. Instantly...Protoplasmic... њEver been bored?њ smic...Instantly...Protoplasmic. Remittance...Information... tion...Remittance...Information. Information...Remittance...Information...Remittance...Information...Remittance. Protoplasmic...Instantly...Protoplasmic...Instantly...Protoplasmic...Instantly. Nymphomaniacs...Tropical...Nymphomaniacs...Tropical...Nymphomaniacs...Tropical. Defenestration...Seventy...Defenestration...Seventy...Defenestration...Seventy. Phenylketonuric...Uncola...Phenylketonuric...Uncola...Phenylketonuric...Uncola. Tintinnabulation...Disks...Tintinnabulation...Disks...Tintinnabulation...Disks. Fritlditlbotlbing...Caps...Fritlditlbotlbing...Caps...Fritlditlbotlbing...Caps. Quantificationally...God...Quantificationally...God...Quantificationally...God. Interdenominational...He...Interdenominational...He...Interdenominational...He. Electroencephalogram...I...Electroencephalogram...I...Electroencephalogram...I. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Shay Pas ON 11/23/94 AT 16:54:11 Comments : ARGH!=1 WOW!=1 Message # 549. Date: 11/26/94. Time: 22:15:03. Read 84 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : all Subj : belladonna backwash PERMIFIED I feel I must warn you of the strange effects of Belladonna Backwash. I was stressing and decided to try to unwind in the Tavern. It was hard as Falco was in a funk of sorts. He argued with me over my selection and kept pushing the Three Mile long island tee. I finally got him to give me a double BB with a seltzer water chaser. I didn't get the results I was seeking, so I ordered a triple. Tipple tipple after the triple. I staggered over to a booth and slid into slouch position and watched primordial forms undulate around the room. I watched my life play out in 5 different versions, and none of them made sense. Something's missing. I ordered two triples and slurpped them down in record time. Everything was blurred and bluetiful. I spun my circuits until they were a perfect whirr of purr. I was humming a few bars of Route 66 when this trucker type walked in and started humming with me. He kept calling me his BellaDonna and wanted to impress me with his large linguini. Seen one you've seen em all, I told him. That got him started about his unsually long salami. I told him that I may be a little sedated, but that I know come-on talk when I hear it and that his was the Worst. That got him started about the size of his liverwerst. I burst his bubble when I pulled down his pants and discovered his vienna sausage. Glad to be alone again, I switched to a gin conncotion and watched an auction on the Home Shopping Channel. Just when I was dialing in to purchase The Art of Self massage, some cool dandy approached me and asked if he could rub me the right way. That was the wrong thing to say. I had to practically kick Falco's ass to get him to throw Jim Dandy out. Falco and I fumed at each other for awhile and then I ordered an other triple BB. Wheee, it was fun this time. I remember leaping up onto the bar and pirouetting around, then running to the stage and announcing over the microphone that I had just won the Dialated Puplil Award and that I was the Bella Donna of the Ball. I started wailing, Some day my prince will come and just then Falco walked up and he had this mad twinkle in his eye and looked at me in that way. I surpressed the laughter bubbling up and held my features in calm composure. I told him that I just been impregnated during an abduction and I was about to give birth to an illegal alien and that I'm scared to death due to the passage of 187. Falco actually offered to marry me and said he'd be a good father to the little half alien child I was carrying. I was so shocked I fainted and I just came to. The tavern is empty and I am too. Time to go home. Just watch that BB. a.o. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 11/29/94 AT 00:45:13 Comments : HAHAHA=2 BRAVO!=1 OUCH!=2 WOW!=1 OH MY GOD!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 550. Date: 11/27/94. Time: 18:27:25. Read 82 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Fink Ployd Subj : Beware! Trek Nerd! RECEIVED PERMIFIED The Necromancer. Trekkie (not Trekker). Former Marine. Obfuscate. High priest of the Emerald Banana (Retired). Ex-Bodyguard. Republican (usually) MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 11/30/94 AT 22:28:15 #550. Message # 551. Date: 11/27/94. Time: 21:50:04. Read 70 Times. From : Mojo IV To : The Necromancer Subj : Beware! Trek Nerd! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Mojo IV SQuishy BOgSLug BOg PRophet 53rd among Equals Lover of BLonde RAzors Former Dark Lord of the SQuisk MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 11/30/94 AT 22:28:39 Message # 552. Date: 11/27/94. Time: 22:24:33. Read 71 Times. From : Ghost To : Mojo IV Subj : Beware! Trek Nerd! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Ghost An insubstantial entity Master of Nuun Jacked of All Traits Part of the Woods AND the Trees MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 11/30/94 AT 22:28:58 Message # 553. Date: 11/28/94. Time: 00:44:43. Read 70 Times. From : Stranger To : Ghost Subj : Beware! Trek Nerd! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Monsignor Lord Apathy Undulatis El Strango BAron BOg The Librarian Obfuscate Dillusionist in charge of needless diversions Chosen Profit of Eelnce Stranger X St. Lyserge MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 11/30/94 AT 22:29:20 Message # 554. Date: 11/28/94. Time: 01:10:55. Read 71 Times. From : Mikester To : Ghost Subj : Beware! Trek Nerd! RECEIVED PERMIFIED the Mikester BAronet BOg Patron Saint of Comic Books BObber upon The BOg FOunder of SQuishiness He of The Not Quite Fully Realized Beard Bane of The People Who Don't Gnow The Difference Between "It's" and "Its," "Who's" and "Whose," and "They're," "Their," and "There" MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 11/30/94 AT 22:29:37 Message # 555. Date: 11/28/94. Time: 11:20:41. Read 66 Times. From : you To : Stranger Subj : Beware! Trek Nerd! RECEIVED PERMIFIED you ]]]john D. died for YOU[[[ )the sleepless ONE founder of the john D. died for YOU society former High priest of the temple of DICA i don't hate jim kirk BUT i'm glad he is DEAD BOgist from the BOg and student of BOb ]]]the BOg lives in YOU[[[ ]]]the BOg EATS of YOOU[[[ ]]]the BOb loves YOOOOU[[[ ]]]john D. died for YOU[[[ ]]]john D. lives on in YOU[[[ MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 11/30/94 AT 22:30:03 Message # 556. Date: 11/29/94. Time: 21:27:45. Read 61 Times. From : Number Two To : Ghost Subj : Beware! Trek Nerd! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Oh I guess I'll strut too Number Two King of the BOg BOg Rider ><-traordinaire Evil Beard Lord Final Prophet of Mukor BBS Superhero Pope War I War 2 MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 11/30/94 AT 22:30:31 Message # 557. Date: 12/01/94. Time: 13:17:46. Read 63 Times. From : Mojo IV To : All Subj : BOg SOngs? PERMIFIED Date: 7:39 pm Wed Nov 30, 1994 Number : 3553 of 3557 From: The Hanged Man Base : The SQuishy BOg To : All Refer #: None Subj: The BOg SOng! Replies: 1 Stat: Normal Origin : Local IN THE BOg by SQuisher ----- My name is Mojo IV I've had sex with Helen Keller I've got Kitty Pryde Locked up in the Cellar In the BOg, We will ride It will make you feel SQuish-ee In the BOg, We've got pride Cuz of all the dead fishies And that is Stranger X-ile He's not a bird or reptile He's got... blood-stained feet And a killer smile In the BOg, We will ride It will make you feel SQuish-ee In the BOg MUshrooms thrive Hallucinations of Pan-ties And over there is Number Two He's just a guy like me and you He turned Winnie the Pooh Into Pooh-bear stew. In the BOg, We will ride It wll make you feel SQuish-ee In the BOg Penguins Fly Cooking fe-tu-ci-ni-ni And finally there's Mike-ster He wears green pants and silver spurs He's got... matted fur Growing on his tongue. In the BOg We will ride, It will make you feel SQuish-ee In the BOg There's rip-tide Paying Young-blood roy-al-ties MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Number Two ON 12/01/94 AT 18:41:48 Message # 558. Date: 12/02/94. Time: 03:55:45. Read 67 Times. From : Stranger To : All Subj : Mal A-theo n Malathion is just a carrier for killer DNA that The Man devised. This DNA, when it comes into contact with skin, burrows down deep and begins the process of replacing old DNA instructions. Soon, we'll all be very obedient but slight squat anteater-like creatures. Go ahead and scoff, but we'll see who eats the last ant. Stranger MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 12/02/94 AT 06:21:30 Message # 559. Date: 12/02/94. Time: 23:33:35. Read 75 Times. From : Mojo IV To : KEN Subj : A RECEIVED can i tell you why i am can you stay out this late maybe i;m in a bad foog i don't think i;m awake but i'm seein pretty colors and the man in brown and red he says that i have just crossed over and I just might as well be dead But I ain't givin it up to you Kant take what I got Kant have what I don't really care for dont sleep when I'm awake Trippy little toon is it not I can't here the lights for the sirens, my boy, I can't see the stars for the sky... I don't see my life... my death no more, honey I've gone out and slipped the key under the map. Athena is weeping for Michael Stipe And I just missed the last bus to the Blonde Razors Anonymous Camp. Tell me if I'm not who is then, chum Its more than I'm willing to give I don't give anymore never get anything back don't you hear it, then? Morrigan is coming? Morrigan... the furies come to claim the Dream Lord and we're all kinda wondering what the Angela series is going to be like? Why... Sandman was good... is the charactor Good, or the Writer the cause of the game. Clause. Bond. James Bond. -=Mojo IV=- -==OBFUSCATE==- -=SQuishy BOgSLug=- MOVED FROM "Downloader's Anonymous" BY KEN ON 12/07/94 AT 13:34:23 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 560. Date: 12/08/94. Time: 20:11:41. Read 90 Times. From : The Necromancer To : all Subj : fate PERMIFIED The other night, some friends and I were playing poker using Tarot cards. I drew a full house, and everyone at the table suddenly levitated for the duration of the hand. Then the guy to my left drew to a inside straight, and an owl strode through the middle of the table and sang a chorus of "Riggoletto". To top it all off, I filled four Trumps, and began glowing brightly while the illustarted Kama Sutra flashed holographically above the bets, which transformed to semi-precious gemstones spelling out the mystic phrase "Muh- Muh-Muh-My Sharona". We finally gave it up. The game's no fun when you gnow when someone's got a great hand. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 12/15/94 AT 08:45:14 Comments : WAY!=1 DOINK=1 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 #560. Message # 561. Date: 11/22/89. Time: 16:06:56. Read 106 Times. From : Gizmo To : HACK MAN Subj : Doink RECEIVED another case of the hit and disapear DOINK! MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/16/94 AT 17:15:01 Message # 562. Date: 07/13/90. Time: 02:00:14. Read 107 Times. From : TYPAN To : funny peoples Subj : joke There is a boy scout, a priest, Jessy Jackson and President Bush on an airplane. It is about to crash. There are only three parachutes. Bush says "I am the president of a nation. I need a parachute." So he takes one and jumps out on the plane. Next Jessy says "I am the smartest black man alive" and he takes a chute and jumps. The priest turns to the scout,"You have a hole life infront of you. Take the parachute." "That's ok Sir. We can both take one. The smartest black man alive just took my back pack." *TYPAN* MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/16/94 AT 17:16:38 Message # 563. Date: 10/16/90. Time: 22:52:46. Read 107 Times. From : HERZOG To : HACK MAN Subj : JOKE BY STEPHEN WRIGHT RECEIVED Ha!!!...Ha!!!...Ha!!!...I get it... <<<(*)>>> -HERZOG MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/16/94 AT 17:17:08 Message # 564. Date: 12/08/94. Time: 17:33:16. Read 72 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Gravebuster Subj : Beneath The Top Ten RECEIVED PERMIFIED I wonder what that song means. ------------------------------------------------------ Wimoweh /Weem-oh-way/ adj. Nonsensical, or ridiculous. Oooo-EEEEE! /Oo-eee/ v. (Slang, usually considered obscene.) An exclamation emitted when one has little or nothing important to say. Umbumbuhway /um-bum-ba-way/ n. Any repetitive phrase, usually paired with highly catchy, but nonetheless grating, musical accompaniment. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh. Well, now we jnow. њfPњ MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY HACK MAN ON 12/21/94 AT 08:29:02 Message # 565. Date: 12/22/94. Time: 04:20:10. Read 73 Times. From : Unka Buck To : Fink Ployd Subj : Doink! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Yes, free Will. He was unfairly imprisoned, and should be liberated immediately. --==UNKA BUCK==-- --==OBFUSCATE==-- MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 12/26/94 AT 01:29:53 Message # 566. Date: 12/22/94. Time: 17:18:02. Read 72 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Fink Ployd Subj : Dammit all to Akron. RECEIVED I used to be really concieted, but now you couldn't meet a nicer guy than me anywhere. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 12/26/94 AT 01:33:23 Message # 567. Date: 12/21/94. Time: 16:30:55. Read 71 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Lady K Subj : Love & Hate RECEIVED PERMIFIED Only Calvin Klein could make nudity boring. њfPњ MOVED FROM "Love & Hate" BY HACK MAN ON 12/28/94 AT 08:42:40 Message # 568. Date: 12/30/94. Time: 23:25:26. Read 74 Times. From : The Evil Anti-Mikester To : All Subj : Hello! PERMIFIED I'm using an IBM computer! I hate comic books (except X-Men)! I can't get enough MTV! Boy oh boy do I like Green Day! I always misuse apostrophe's! Euuuuugh...who'd eat cold pizza? Yuk! Or drink Diet Coke? Ugh. I think Sinbad and Jim Carrey are really funny. Oh, yeah, don't forget the Dice Man. You know what I like best about television sitcoms? The way everything always turns out okay at the end, and there's a big group hug, or a clearly presented moral, or, if I'm really lucky, both. I also like watching America's Funniest Home Videos. I fall out of the Laz-E-Boy laughing so hard, everytime someone's pants fall down or someone gets hit in the crotch with a baseball! Oh, boy, those videos are funny, and 100% spontaneous, too! Newspapers are really boring, except for the sports pages, of course. Oh, and the funny pages too, but usually only "Ziggy," "Funky Winkerbean," and "Berry's World" are any good. Movies movies movies -- I really like those action films. Man o man, that Arnold Schwarteneggar (or however you spell his last name) -- he's such a great actor. He has such a way with a clever one-liner right after he kills a few dozen people...my extra large $4 Coke almost slips through my popcorn- butter-laden fingers I'm enjoying the movie so much. You know how best to deal with people driving too slow in the fast lane? Just get right up there on their tail, flash your brights on and off, and honk the horn. They usually move then. Course, if they don't, you should pass them and get right in front of them and hit your brakes. That'll teach them! I don't get these role playing games. But, man, I sure do love Mortal Kombat II! I don't like calling bulletin boards either. Too many weirdos hang out there. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 12/31/94 AT 17:54:03 Comments : HAHAHA=2 WOW!=1 Message # 569. Date: 12/12/94. Time: Anytime. Read 75 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : Shay Pas Subj : drunk with it all RECEIVED PERMIFIED Sitting I told her that you knew everything about love, and smiles. She laughed and laughed at me saying that you were just a falsehood and that I should grow an inch or two and look to the skies above you if I wanted real answers. crying it was funny the cables wrapeed about me and coiling taut with my own energies. I laughed at the barbed wire that slowly but surely took it's time spinning 'bout my head punturing everything they touched, but mostly me ugly fanny to the wind strewn day time nap, and feeling more pleasantly all the day....what does an alibi or 2 matter to the ugly duckling. No excuses are needed for the one with everything wrong happy of course, my brain sits, and my lips laugh, and my eyes weep, and the ugliest is the way the self is treated. Butter it up and slip it under the door. (wages of life are death) (but the vacations are worthit all) MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 01/02/95 AT 22:34:11 Comments : BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 570. Date: 12/14/94. Time: 22:35:56. Read 71 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Anonymously Yours Subj : drunk with it all PERMIFIED you felt like dancing. anastasia(anasthesia?) does this to you. ya wanna say "no" sometime just to see what'll happen but can't. so ya practice with myra but to no end. ya try to present her to yer friends but keep feeling this need to add conjunctions and spin dizzy the green day. the conjunctions get tired and sit out the dance and anastasia doesn't urge them back. she leaves them on the bleachers and wishes away the peebles while she dances with you. and the gym floor melts and anasthesia draws you to meet her father Somnus, the brother of Death. ya hafata have taffeta and she does. you're very aware very aware that she does for the slink-swish reaches up and tickles yer ears. and the slink-swish is all you hear the sweet slink in contrast to the harsh grating of nylon-nylon in the dances past. father sleep is not home but she grants passage to their home anyways. the servants kept their eyes low as she drew you to the chambre of dining. and you dined with miss anatheme, as she was called by the ladies. and you sliced the found the axiom to be true: in vino veritas...in wine, [there is] truth. you sliced the head USER LOGGED OFF MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 01/02/95 AT 22:34:50 Comments : WOW!=1 #570. Message # 571. Date: 12/23/94. Time: Anytime. Read 71 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : Shay Pas Subj : drunk with it all RECEIVED PERMIFIED She slept round about the clock as if it were the womb of heaven, and spilled her insides to the dream which she intended to marry. All fluff and white clouds, he intended to make her happy and float about all the day, spending each moment joyous and reveling in the incline of his cottony thoughts. She was drunk with sleep and delirious with her dream. He spun trampled her about the waist coat of his time lined trech coat. One eye opened lazily for but a second and caught a glimpse of me alone, and with a tear in my eye. It wsn't enough to steal you away from your dream though, and you whisked about more furiously than ever, spinning through your spins doing cartwheels over others dreams, and laughing up a storm of smiles that lasted all the way through your next dream, eventhough you hadn't ralized that you've had it already. She had spent it all to be here, and she wasn't about to get short changed. Nothing could be too frivolous or frolicky. She danced with moon beams as well as badgers. There was no discrimination or malice in her whim, and her folly was the most majestic thing one could ever see. It streched for miles beyond the sight of the eye, and nailed shut dirty old bar thoughts that raised the eye and quickened the pulse to the point of wakefulness. It was a great game she played to be so active yet remain just restive enough to stay in the lands. I haven't even seen a twitch from you in days. I can sometimes hear parts of your dream when I put my ear close to your smile, but it's fleting and I fear that you will never return to me. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 01/02/95 AT 22:36:05 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 572. Date: 01/01/95. Time: 12:01:23. Read 86 Times. From : The Necromancer To : All Subj : Resolutions PERMIFIED A few of my New Year's Resolutions: I resolve to quit doing my dishes and laundry in the same load. I resolve to quit straddling the fence between fantasy and other fantasies. I resolve to rotate my underwear (which involves cutting out the part between the leg holes. I resolve to eat far too much Toll House Cookie Dough. (Gotta have ONE I gnow I'll keep). More as I think of them... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 01/05/95 AT 09:54:08 Comments : HAHAHA=2 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=35 Message # 573. Date: 01/04/95. Time: 09:33:55. Read 73 Times. From : Jehan To : Lady K Subj : trivia RECEIVED PERMIFIED One of these days I want to do my version of the cartoon witch standing there, covered in charcoal and muttering, "That's it, next time I use a spell checker!" MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 01/05/95 AT 10:12:28 Comments : HAHAHA=19 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 574. Date: 01/05/95. Time: 17:31:44. Read 67 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Lady K Subj : cats RECEIVED PERMIFIED Actually, no. My theory on cats and kittens is simple: They're not even the same species. Face it. When you go out to the pet store or the pound or wherever, you get, not a cat, but a kitten. You watch the kitten. You enjoy the kitten. The kitten is cute. It pounces on gnats, it plays with yarn, it attacks shoelaces, and other typically adorable kittenish things. You feed it, and it grows. Then, one night after you've had the cute little nipper ten or twelve months, THEY come. They sneak into your house while you are sleeping, take away your sweet little kitten, and leave in it's place a rotten, disgusting, arrogant CAT! This cat LOOKS like your cute little kitten, but it's not. It comes equipped with a CATtitude, and biological stuff that you either have to pay through the nose to have removed, or put up with their putting it to use. I'll give them this: cats are NOT dumb. They gnow that no one in their right mind would have a cat for a pet, given a choice, so they take the choice away. They grow the kittens in vats in secret feline laboratories, send them out into the world to insinuate themselves into people's hearts, then supplant them. The kittens are then forced to repeat the same shameful deed over and over again. They are virtual slaves, victims of the heinous cats who are their cruel and unforgiving masters. Lucky indeed are the kittens who are sent to the pound if they fail to totally enrapture their chosen victim humans; they at least can get a second chance, and are afforded some protection while they wait. The poor, unfortunate ones who are simply unceremoniously tossed out are gathered up by the cats, and made to face the most dire of consequences for their failure. To the mind of the cat, if a kitten can't win over the heart of a human, it has no use, except to be used as raw material in experiments to create an even cuter, more foolproof kitten. I will go to great lengths to free kittens from this foul servitude. Perhaps a commando raid? I think their base is in Katmandu... The Necromancer -=Obfuscate=- )Instigate( MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 01/06/95 AT 07:54:45 Comments : WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 575. Date: 01/11/95. Time: 19:07:04. Read 61 Times. From : Slayer To : ALL Subj : Of searching.. PERMIFIED Searching for truth through the myriad of lies and falsehoods for truth and shelter from the harsh gale of life Looking for that unyielding beacon truth The temptation is there though to submerse myself in my own lie Drop away from my quest for truth Create my own shard of falsehood warm myself in the pale glow of deceit to myself, Yet I shall not give in For i know the light of that truth is far more brillant than any falsehood That unyeilding truth? LOVE T M S 94 MOVED FROM "Love & Hate" BY Tzipporah ON 01/11/95 AT 19:18:05 Message # 576. Date: 01/11/95. Time: 00:08:15. Read 66 Times. From : Stranger To : Ghost Subj : Sourcery's Demise RECEIVED PERMIFIED the tree that fell across my road could only hail from yester's day or from the day ahead the savage raving of blind man's seething steals the stream of consciousness coursing neeth my veins; til the clock tolls the last hour my leaves will toil up to sun. Stranger MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 01/11/95 AT 22:02:21 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 577. Date: 01/11/95. Time: 23:31:22. Read 67 Times. From : Ghost To : Nuna Bov Subj : Afterthought PERMIFIED When I can tell you what happened just don't ask me when memory is supposed to be a highway seamless perfect a highball to the then not some child's game of hide and seek (I always won at hide and seek. I remember that.) so I won't sit and sweat under your question let the white coat speed your destination watch me park and take my ease and cultivate a gourmet taste for swiss cheese 1/11/95 MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Shay Pas ON 01/13/95 AT 21:16:32 Comments : WOW!=23 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 578. Date: 01/14/95. Time: Anytime. Read 77 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : ghost Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED she sits and past her hopeful eyes (chocolate kisses melting with the dreams burning from the brilliant flame of devotion) flickers his image and she wonders if he ever has dreams of a lost princess dancing at a ten oclock ball of questions finding everything in his arms weaving in and out of various melodies with the ever present fear of following in the fate of that which had brought her to this event at the stroke of reality MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 01/15/95 AT 02:16:09 Comments : BRAVO!=35 Message # 579. Date: 01/19/95. Time: 06:24:49. Read 16 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : ANN OTHERWORLD/THE NECROMANCER/LADY K/HACK MAN/Mr Natural Subj : INTERESTING THINGY PRIVATE RECEIVED PERMIFIED I had a wild ride on here this morning. I was chatting with someone and the line noise would scroll screen after screen and the beeps were arriving in code. I'm now convinced it was alien transmissions and they were trying to communicate. Then when I got logged off, my phone was dead. I turned off the computer. Phone still dead. I searched the wires and connections. All was fine. Then I found that I had a three-line adaptor connection to the wall connection and it had come loose. I took it out, plugged into the original connection and viola, here I am. I am a little disappointed it wasn't some sort of alien communication. I had just thought I'd been given the secrets to save the world. ha/1 AO MOVED FROM "Group Mail" BY HACK MAN ON 01/19/95 AT 14:15:50 Message # 580. Date: 01/12/95. Time: 13:25:26. Read 83 Times. From : Jehan To : Ghost Subj : Well... RECEIVED PERMIFIED You know, I really believed in it before, had no doubts at all about it in my mind, but it is quite another thing entirely to have the truth of the matter confirmed. Anyway, the floor in my garage spoke to me this morning. It was a terse message, but understandable none the less. "Exist.", it said. Firmly. Clearly. And in black and white. Now I really always have known that floor existed. After all, I've walked on it on my way to the washing machine or the car for years. And I've never once taken a step and not found it underfoot. (Though sometimes when the cat is underfoot, I'll take a misstep and find it a little faster.) But it has never taken a philosophical position before. Oh, no, it has always maintained a really low profile, been the lowest common denominator of garagedom, even, and sort of just lay low, mumchance. I don't know why it suddenly decided to assert itself now. Of course the past few days it has been inundated, what with the rain and all. It is decorated with a whole population of defunct earth worms, washed in from who knows where and, so, not really looking its best. That must be it. On the other hand, it could just be it captured a leftover thought or two from a school project and decided to subvert it for its own use. Anyway, I am pleased to announce the continued existance of the only subversive subfloor in South Oxnard. MOVED FROM "Jehan's Toy Box" BY HACK MAN ON 01/24/95 AT 14:51:45 Comments : OH MY GOD!=1 #580. Message # 581. Date: 01/16/95. Time: 21:40:39. Read 109 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Raboof! PERMIFIED Come out of your homes! Cast away your weapons! Hug your children and rejoice, for POGS are officially dead! --M. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 01/24/95 AT 17:48:49 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 582. Date: 02/01/95. Time: 17:59:50. Read 91 Times. From : The Necromancer To : All Subj : Fun Stuff. PERMIFIED I just got ahold of this recently. It was obviously taken off the net, and it obviously originated in Britain, but I bring it to you as if it wefe fresh. BTW, it's also obviously kinda old... 20 things that never happen on "Star Trek" 1) The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy feild of a type it has encountered several times before. 2) Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly. 3) The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are perfectly alright. 4) The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-gnown older lifeform wearing a funny hat. 5) The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sickbay. 6) The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people, which is made a great deal easier by the Prime Directive. 7) The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident. 8) An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's Computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads. 9) A power surge on the bridge is is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly trained and competent engineering staff. 10)The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial. 11)The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence, which they easily pacify by offering it some cookies. 12)The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise", where everybody is ahppy all of the time, However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems. 13)A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction. 14)The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way totally unconnected with the late twentieth century. 15)Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically seperated from her at the end of the episode. 15a) Kirk (or Riker) gets an STD. 16)Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious. 17)The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher. 18)Wesley crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change. 19)Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him. 20)Most thing that are new or in some way unexpected. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 02/02/95 AT 14:11:05 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=4 RASPBERRYS=1 Message # 583. Date: 02/07/95. Time: 10:50:21. Read 98 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : STATEMENT PERMIFIED COMPARISONS TO THE PAST ARE IRRELEVANT. THIS IS THE NOW. THIS BBS IS DIFFERENT NOW AND SO ARE IT'S USERS. CURRENT POLICY AND STANDARDS WILL REFLECT THAT NEW DIFFERENCE. I MYSELF RARELY IF EVER FEEL HATE, AND WHEN I DO I KEEP IT TO MYSELF BECAUSE I CONSIDER HATE TO BE AN UGLY THING THAT SHOULD BE KEPT OUT OF PUBLIC VIEW. I CAN EXPERIENCE THE HATE AND DEAL WITH IT WITHOUT VENTING IT OUT TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC AND THEREBY SPREADING ANNOYANCE AND ANGUISH TO EVERYBODY ELSE. ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT PEOPLE ON THIS BBS WILL BE REQUIRED TO ACT LIKE GROWN UPS. YOU CAN EXPRESS ANY OPINION YOU WANT BUT IT MUST BE DONE TASTEFULLY AND PERSONAL ATTACKS WILL BE LIMITED TO THE HALL OF FLAME. THIS IS A NEW STANDARD THAT I HAVE DECIDED TO ENFORCE. HATEFUL BICKERING WILL BE CONFINED TO ONE SUB ONLY. BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE IT, AND I THINK THAT MOST OF MY USERS DON'T LIKE IT EITHER. ARGUING WITH AND TALKING BACK TO THE SYSOP WILL ALSO NOT BE TOLERATED. THIS IS MY BBS. I WROTE IT. I PAY FOR IT. I WILL DETERMINE THE DIRECTION FOR IT. I WILL CENSOR IT IF NECESSARY. YOU AS AMERICANS HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY WHEREVER YOU WANT TO SAY IT. THIS BBS IS A PRIVATELY OWNED PLACE. IT IS IN MY HOME. IN A VERY REAL SENSE IT IS MY HOME. I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE TALKING SHIT IN MY HOME. IT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED AND IT WILL BE CORRECTED BY WHATEVER MEASURES I DEEM NECESSARY AT MY BEST DISCRETION. I DON'T CARE WHO DID WHAT TO WHOM AND WHAT HAPPENED WHERE OR HOW THINGS USED TO BE, OR WHO GOT AWAY WITH WHAT WHEN AND WHO WANTS TO GET AWAY WITH WHAT NOW. THOSE ARE ALL CHILDISH IMMATURE EXCUSES AND EVASIONS. THIS MESSAGE IS NOT AIMED AT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR, BUT IS A CULMINATION OF A WHOLE BUNCH OF DIFFERENT EVENTS AND IS MEANT TO BE AN EXPRESSION OF MY OWN VIEWPOINT AND A GUIDE TO FUTURE POLICY. C- - - MOVED FROM "Love" BY HACK MAN ON 02/14/95 AT 16:16:21 Comments : WAY!=17 RASPBERRYS=2 BLOWS!=1 WHO CARES=1 BRAVO!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 GIVE ME A BREAK!=2 WOW!=1 BLAH=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 584. Date: 02/12/95. Time: 04:02:17. Read 79 Times. From : IRIE To : Ashiqui Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED You could always wait in hope of receiving flowers and chocolates and a romantic date to an exotic restaurant followed by dancing and an evening of passion and romance, followed by an erotic interlude in which both of you fall madly in love with each other and travel directly to Las Vegas for a quick but tender exchange of vows in which both of you are forever commited and bound to each other as long as the two of you live, cursed to a life of waking up to each other every morning, establishing a comfortable and secure routine suitable for countless screaming children which you will have to raise and nurture throughout your life and into your elderly years in which you will be abandoned and locked up in a home for old rejects as soon as your children regard you as more of a burdon than a mealticket, spending your days writing letters on valentines day, and every other day, reminiscing about the golden years of our youth, and how nice it would be to go back and do it all over differently, only with the knowledge of years of experience and pain. But then, why hope when there's a telephone! MOVED FROM "Love" BY Minx ON 02/14/95 AT 22:31:50 Comments : HAHAHA=1 OBFUSCATED=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 585. Date: 02/13/95. Time: 14:33:17. Read 77 Times. From : KEn To : Serendipity Subj : Questions.. RECEIVED PERMIFIED You are sooooooo wrong... EVERYTHING is like... SMURFS!!!! [B I REmain MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Number Two ON 02/16/95 AT 10:03:45 Message # 586. Date: 02/16/95. Time: 12:16:22. Read 67 Times. From : Jehan To : Raevan Subj : AH! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Quoth the Raevan, "Unclemore?" 1 - If you want a nose job, just crow a little more. 2 - You can call me a roosevelt by any other name, but you have to admit you carry a bigger stick. 3 - Awww, you're so cute when you're persed! So, who crucified whom on the road to Rome, anyway? ...another slave revolts.... MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY Gravebuster ON 02/16/95 AT 18:33:53 Comments : PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 587. Date: 02/16/95. Time: 23:19:58. Read 79 Times. From : Raevan To : All Subj : All PERMIFIED If you're reading this, you're part of it. If you aren't reading this, don't be concerned. If you want to read this, you probably shouldn't. If you don't want to read this, you probably need to. As Always, Until the Next, Me. Raevan MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 02/17/95 AT 18:46:21 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 588. Date: 02/17/95. Time: 04:13:35. Read 62 Times. From : Shay Pas To : duhtoshtanyana Subj : hello, tanyana PERMIFIED "teach me to dance, to do the french twist" but i stept on his toes so now he's pist what do you expect from one but beginning not complete moronity...that is sinning oh woe to louis his malady of mortality he who who thinks rats are no form of bestiality flock spelling flock deeper truth rhyme man rhythym speak from one tooth flock sheep flock brrd ooops haha didja geddit? pfui i go do homework now. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 02/18/95 AT 00:45:31 Comments : HAHAHA=1 WHO CARES=1 WOW!=1 Message # 589. Date: 02/17/95. Time: 18:47:03. Read 78 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Fink Ployd Subj : Okay, Here's An Easier One RECEIVED PERMIFIED On the other hand, since I obfuscate as naturally as breathing, geting a job where I am paid for it would be even better than mattress-testing. MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY Gravebuster ON 02/19/95 AT 21:54:42 Comments : HAHAHA=100 Message # 591. Date: 02/20/95. Time: 00:56:00. Read 74 Times. From : Stranger To : All Subj : The Way Stranger Lost His Job PERMIFIED The Way Stranger Lost His Job, by Stranger ><-ile I woke up on sunday morning, feeling somewhat sick to my stomach and physically tired, but otherwise fine. I was filled with the realization that it was early, and that today was a day that I had to open the store, my Beloved Radio Shack. Upon finishing becoming human, I ambled off in strangerific fashion towards that electronics mecca, and opened. I noticed a light headedness that was slightly irritating, but not overly so, and opened the store without any hitches. An hour later, another employee came in, and I found out that the other employee was sick, and wouldnt be coming in, so I would be by myself from 2 pm until closing at 6. Fine. After 2, I proceeded onward in my radio shackal duties by myself, something which can be difficult with a store full of customers. I wasnt worried, though--- I'm great. Through out the next few hours, I began to feel more light headed, and to have "head rushes" in which I would sometimes almost black out. This caused me some consternation, but i was determined to finish and then go collapse at home and rest. At one point, around 4:30, a mere hour and a half before closing, I suddenly felt very nauseous, and with a quick "excuse me, PLEASE," I half-ran-half-shimmied to the back room, to the employee's rest room, and vomited. Hmmm, thought I, vomiting usually means something bad.... maybe I should call my manager, since I'm by myself. I was filled with the fore gnowledge of an incipient revomiting. I called my manager and asked him to come help me because i was feeling very sick, and he said he would be right there. When he arrived, with another employee, I exhaled a sigh of relief. Then he went into the back room, and noticing that I had not put away all of the stock that day (not surprising, considering that I was by myself, I would think...) he picked up the box of remaining stock and threw it out onto the sales floor, upsetting (and spilling) its contents. That surprised me, but i was used to his violent temper bursts. As he began to count the cash drawer, I asked him if i could go home.... feeling the oncoming urge to vomit. It seemed that he had brought another employee just for that purpose-- so i could go home. But he grumbled, "you're not leaving til 6. If you go out that door, dont bother coming back." I was confused, but resigned to being a minimum wage slave and I nodded a mute agreement, and continued onward. He continued to count the cash drawer, obviously very pissed off at me. The manner in which he was counting is hard to portray in writing, but it was with unveiled hostility. he then slammed the cash drawer shut and swept into the back room, slamming the door behind him. An adolescent boy came up to me and asked for change, and smiling an acquiescence, I went to the cash drawer and tried to open it, but it WAS JAMMED SHUT! I realized that my manager had just jammed the drawer shut and in order to continue with my job, I would have to walk in to the back room and ASK him to go open the drawer that he had just jammed shut. Incredible amounts of anger (and any anger for me is out of the ordinary) combined with nausea and frustration and helplessness and flipped my lid. I kicked the counter in an ineffectual attempt at emotional release, and walked to the back room. I grabbed my coat, said in my steely baritone, "I Quit," and walked out the door. I was sick, along with my two roommates, the entire next week. And jobless. This just goes to show that Futility is Resistant. Stranger ><-ile the Unemployed MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 02/20/95 AT 07:45:01 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 592. Date: 02/18/95. Time: 13:37:47. Read 86 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Buzz Czar Subj : lonesome blues and different hues of green PERMIFIED It's a weird but wonderful experience sitting here alone in FalCO's, watching the walls and ceiling move. I like random-patterned cottage cheese ceilings as they move better under intense gazing. I just sauntered over to the Lotus jukebox and slipped in a slug. He's still screaming, but shit, I'll pretend I'm drinking tequila and salt the sucker. Now I've gummed up the works and the box is stuck on one song and I'd like to shoot whoever planted it in there because I hate it so much. Why Em Cee A. This is too much. Pull goes the plug. It's so quiet. It sounds as if the whole world just shut down. If pins were dropping, they'd deafen me. I'm suddenly hungry for noise. A big bang might be cool, but that's overtheorized. In the big inning. Big deal. Two astronauts land in a lush garden and eat a magic mushroom and the whole race has been tripping ever since. Ever wonder why people sometimes don't know whether they're dead or alive or awake or dreaming? We're under the spell of the spore addicts and the good news is that it's ending. Then the true new aquarian age can begin and the world can spin off her axis for all I care. I like a good bumpy ride. Makes me feel alive. So what am I doing on a sunny winter Saturday afternoon sucking down suds in a Tavern? I could be basking my scared and scary bod on the beach but someone would call animal control and tell them there's a dead anorexic seal on the sand and I'd have to go through the humiliation of standing up and answering questions. Nah, I'll stay where I am where it's safe and secure. If I've passed out and am snoring in a back bench, wake me gently, please. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 02/21/95 AT 14:37:40 Comments : DOINK=1 BRAVO!=59 Message # 593. Date: 02/08/95. Time: 16:50:29. Read 86 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Fink Ployd Subj : RECEIVED Jeeze! All these axe murderers around here! It's truly a sad thing. How is an up and coming young axe supposed to make it in the world? Imagine this from the axe's point of view: here you are, just out of finishing school, on the cutting edge in your field. you're sure you can handle anythin. You put on your cords and split for the great primeval world. But when you arrive, you find that you can't see the forest for the trees. They start to grind you down, and you lose your temper. You look sharp, but it seems you just can't cut it. Eventually, you find you're doing nothing but barking up the wrong tree. In desperation, you steal some Wedgewood china and climb on your chopper, but they're on your trail, and soon, you find that you're cut off. You're out on a limb, so you surrender. They want to send you up the river, but a beurocratic logjam results in your bailing out. You write your memoirs for a TV movie, but an editor does a hatchet job on it, and you're murdered by the critics. Keep in mind this fable, the next time you feel like murdering an axe, and the world will be a better place for rural cutlery everywhere! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 02/21/95 AT 14:51:10 Comments : HAHAHA=17 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=18 Message # 594. Date: 02/18/95. Time: 14:39:20. Read 80 Times. From : Ghost To : HACK MAN Subj : Questions.. RECEIVED PERMIFIED If you start having rules about stray subjects, won't you want to start neutering them, just to avoid a population explosion of chaotic, unclassifible, uncontrollable thoughts, expressions, and reflections? MOVED FROM "Love" BY HACK MAN ON 02/21/95 AT 15:46:38 Message # 595. Date: 01/16/95. Time: 11:13:08. Read 84 Times. From : Number Two To : Linda-Look-Lively Subj : Sarchophagus Water flowed flip flop flim through dark narrow passages. Bubbling pools gurgled in and about, groping for a hand hold, something firm to stop the incessant movement and the chatterbox mind. Short of resigning to the inevitable, it bent light instead.......... Always the rebel She sat on the edge of a dark gurgling pool, dimly aware of movement in the water, but not sensing the desperation in it, nor did she see rebellion in refraction. She sat on one hip, legs bent at the knees, toes pointing unfailingly to the west. Even in the dark some part of her knew where the sun had gone off to and when to expect it again. Her legs began to tingle and go numb, and still she just sat. a stalactite looked down and asked her why she sat so still. She smiled but did not move, answered in a voice of pure strawberry preserves. She said "Sweet stone, I sit not stiller than you, but if you must know true, I sit and watch and wait and dream, simply because I want to." Flabergasted by this response and not knowing what to reply, the stalactite instead began to the low hum of the water ritual. Drops of sweet sweat from above, travelling for Granite knows how long, sliding slowly down the body of the stalactite; all the way down it's contours, leaving little mineral traces along it's length like a breadcrumb trail. Until finally hanging on the tip over the chasm of the rest of the world. drop... She droped.... MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 02/21/95 AT 23:24:03 Comments : ZZZZZZZ=2 PROMOTE ME=23 Message # 596. Date: 02/21/95. Time: 08:43:20. Read 68 Times. From : Jehan To : Gravebuster Subj : Okay, Here's An Easier One RECEIVED PERMIFIED I'll see your teenager and raise mine. :) MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY Gravebuster ON 02/22/95 AT 19:23:58 Comments : HAHAHA=117 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 597. Date: 02/22/95. Time: 16:16:23. Read 80 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Caffeine Fiend Subj : lonesome blues and different hues of green RECEIVED PERMIFIED You missed your calling. Acting sounds like the field you should have plowed into. I don't think you're weird, just wired differently and wow wired is an anagram for weird. We rid. Ahooo. The moon isn't full, but I am. I hate my job, my life is all but nonexistant. I've sat on my ass and dreamt for as long as I've been alive. Yeah, I'm gonna be a wheel someday, I'm gonna be somebody, then I'll find a real gone cat....help, I'm sounding like I'm stuck in the late 50's or early 60's. I'm just stuck, period. Stranded at the end of the bumfuck Silver beach, carless, careless, lazy and tired. I can hardly get inspired anymore. I'm becoming jaded and cynical and hard as 9 inch nails. Hmmm. I got a little off subject and carried away, but I must rant and pant or I'll explode. Or implode and be a REAL mess inside. It's the ether. The mutherhumping ether I came into this reality on. I was gassed. And I loved it, but it didn't make me fit. When other kids were playing with their toes and cooing at rattles shaking, I was talking to unseen friends. I hadn't lost the connection. I wrestled the dark one and didn't sip from the chalice. I was Alice for crying out loud, for cripes sake and all those trite, worn and banal expressions. Hey, I'm eXpressing myself. I'm eXposing my soul and my role in this crazy play. And that brings me back to the beginning of this rambling post. Acting. I really do believe the "we're all actors" bit and that we're just a vast cast of characters constantly recycling oursELVES in play after play, movie after movie, drama after drama and no I'm not going to get carried away with that. I prefer the Andy Devine Comedy. Help. I'm having trouble stopping. I feel like I'm puking all over the screen. A comet of vomit streaking the black. Wheeeeee, I'm trying to bow out of this gracefully. But, it's not my style. I hope I'm ahead. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 02/23/95 AT 10:33:01 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=1 Message # 598. Date: 02/23/95. Time: 01:33:30. Read 69 Times. From : Stranger To : Captain Wallaby Subj : Viva La Mint da Spaniel Stranger ><-ile looked at his watch, grinning to himself (noting that it was near midnight) at a private joke of his (the joke being that he doesnt wear a watch) but not too loudly because of his environs: a lightless library, soundless too; dark and frightening like a black man with a bloody chain saw, only he's wearing a glow-in-the-dark green beanie that ruins the effect somewhat, causing people to giggle a little bit before their body parts get all chopped up and bloody. Not that that man was here, in the Library-- that was merely a simile, and not intended for use by immature audiences. Stop snickering. The erstwhile (okay, not erstwhile, but he liked to think of himself that way, and was looking forward to a future time when he would be able to escape his apathy long enough to look up the word) Stranger pulled a large conch shell out of his black roquelaure. (What'd you expect? He lost most of his precious belongings in a boating accident in the seventies.) He put his ear to the iridescent shell, and listened intently. From the cthonic depths of the conch, he heard a strange voice utter, "'The art of reading is to skip judiciously.' - - P.G. Hamerton." He put away his Quotomatic Conch, and skipped himself. Stranger MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 02/23/95 AT 12:23:57 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 599. Date: 02/24/95. Time: 08:01:46. Read 86 Times. From : KEn To : all Subj : AHA! PERMIFIED Okay so I seem to have notice that the retreat has taken a somewhat different direction from when I first started calling... I gnow, most of you are going, "DUH, where's he been"... anyway, I suppose we all have, taken a different direction I mean... I for one am not the same as I was when I first started calling..at least I feel different and I've noticed that I post differently, at least until today... so can ANYONE tell that I'm really outta stuff to do at work and my caffiene rush is at full fluition???? Where was I , oh yeah, It's NOT like I meant to change... not that I even noticed.. Until now, I just did.. I miss the old days.. the old attitudes, My old friends... whipping Mikester with Hot wheel tracks and baby oil...Talking to Jehan about life in general, and accidently surpriseing Ann with something I posted that struck her fancy.. or actually READING a post from GB anywhere else besides the Music sub... when Skurkey used to call and We were all okay with that... when stranger used to be, well, stranger...and I used to bug Hackman about just about everything and when Shay Pas used to post her extremely interesting stories ALL over the place so we'd all gnow about her "special Bond" with Mr. Lipton.. ...Meloncholy, Ithink that's what it's called... Oh well, I'm older, you guys are too, except we dont want or NEED to admit it anymore... things change, and they will always be the same somewhere else by someone else... You guys (et el) gnow the old saying... " free your mind, and your ass will follow"... unfortunatly it doesn't work all the time with all people... I REmain MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 02/26/95 AT 00:23:15 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=4 Message # 600. Date: 02/25/95. Time: 00:19:36. Read 83 Times. From : Ghost To : Nuna Bov Subj : final draft PERMIFIED ringsrung in some dark hour I brush the lint off memories of you and sunlit mornings silent smiles over toast with fuzzy butter breathless gasps as we burned with bitter coffee all passion's clutch a peck of blinding habit so the peaceful slam of door became the piecemeal rush for that refuge made of work for only midnight can disinter dead love and refresh the last lease and boney convention in silent clinks of gilded thoughts cast across barren tabletops MOVED FROM "Strangeland" BY Stranger ON 03/02/95 AT 01:35:09 Comments : BRAVO!=3 BLAH=1 PROMOTE ME=2 #600. Message # 601. Date: 03/02/95. Time: 00:21:23. Read 70 Times. From : Number Two To : KEn Subj : mind stuph..... thank god it aint leaking... or is it?? RECEIVED PERMIFIED Spice is boring. It's only good for longevity and prescience (which is a big trap by the way). What you really should be desirous of, is Pizzazz. Pizzazz encompasses all of those obscure traits that make someone the life of the party, and yet still able to lead that daring bank robbery in Switzerland or the Cayman Islands (Bank city, you know). Pizzazz knocks women of their feet, and puts men into the groove faster than you can say "Leather Clad Josie and the Pussycats". Your Pal 2 Number Two Pizzazz MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 03/02/95 AT 11:48:49 Message # 602. Date: 03/01/95. Time: 23:24:46. Read 72 Times. From : Ghost To : Unka Buck Subj : Suicide is Painless RECEIVED PERMIFIED Maxwell. Yes? But is Max well? Well? Max? Max! See? Max, see! Hey, Max, see. Mac's. Mac. Hey, Mac! Hey, Mac, willya movit? Sure. Swell. Mac's swell. Maxwell. Yes. MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY Gravebuster ON 03/02/95 AT 19:37:00 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BOG ME=666 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 603. Date: 03/03/95. Time: 15:56:52. Read 64 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : when in doubt PERMIFIED If you cant be weird, i guess you should bore the heck out of everyone else. Right, raevan? Stranger MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 03/03/95 AT 19:09:55 Message # 604. Date: 03/03/95. Time: 00:26:16. Read 74 Times. From : Unka Buck To : KEn Subj : Again RECEIVED PERMIFIED Dial Tone... Beep, beeep, BEEP, Beep, bEEp, Beeep, beep... RING... RING... Hello. It's me... He's on to us. Oh shit. How do you gnow? I can just tell. You gnow, by the way he talks... the way he keeps looking at me. Now, look! Calm down. There's no way he can gnow. Hey! What was that click?! We're being bugged. I didn't hear anything. We can't talk! We're dead! Arrgh! Hey, don't... CLICK. --==UNKA BUCK==-- --==OBFUSCATE==-- MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium" BY HACK MAN ON 03/03/95 AT 19:15:28 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 605. Date: 03/05/95. Time: 21:17:37. Read 69 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : The Necromancer Subj : BOREDUMB RECEIVED PERMIFIED hahaha. I am in pain now. Truly. Seriously. My body is screaming and I'm trying not to listen. I just got off work and I think every jerk on the beach came in just to give me a hard time. But, I played the role and passed out cheesy grins and ...grrrr, having to censor myself here and it's hissing me off. I wonder what would happen if I completely cut loose and didn't give a flying fuck about what pops into my mind. I find censoring these thoughts is a full-time job. I don't want a full time job. I don't wanta ever give another blow job and I don't want some slob telling what and what not to do. Screw it, I'm a bulb. A Two-lip and I'm glowing crazy and dreaming of Amsterdammit. I need a cigarette...time out Ok, nicotine fit over and I'm just getting started. I'm a late bloomer, oooeee, finally being who I want to be. The of chorus of a song that longs to be sung like all the art begging to be hung. I will die trying and I'm trying not to think of Thursday when I'm going visit the altered ethers. I must come back, I must come back. I must remember to click my heels three time six. Number nine, that's the size. I'm going to rise and play with the vapors as I breath deep and count backwards from 23. One two three, look at Mr. Lee, ooh Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee. The fifties putting in an appearance on my inner jukebox. A quarter just slipped into my slotted hand and I find I've left my body and I'm sitting in the back booth at Falco's waiting for some action. I've still got some traction in this here body. I can still rock and roll, Lawdy Miss Clawdy. Can't shake the 50's. Oh no, here comes one of my old FAVEorites...Angel Baby. Ooooeee, doing the nasty with ohgasp this is the truth, Mr. Lee. Robert, where are you now. Like I really care. Like anyone will understand anything of what I'm saying. I'm dumping. I've got all this shit in my head and I need to clear it out. So, let me mentally puke for the next few lines and I'll get out of here. I'm a BARFly and you'd better not swat me. Go team go. Boy, talk about random sequencing and fencing with your shadow. Lamont Cranston died for your sins. Repent. The day of the fool is at hand. Ah, I just chuckled! I can stop now. I've brought myself back up to a bearable level. Now to pop 2 eXcederin PM's and get ready to dream. Good night. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 03/06/95 AT 08:34:12 Comments : OBFUSCATED=60 Message # 606. Date: 03/02/95. Time: 03:48:46. Read 74 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : Another One RECEIVED Obfuscation is bullshitting the bull. њfPњ MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 03/06/95 AT 10:51:45 Message # 607. Date: 11/06/94. Time: 08:19:12. Read 91 Times. From : I am WRONG To : All Subj : Love? PERMIFIED What is Love, then? The fire of the Heart Desired Chains Holding, Binding... Love is the life's blood of the soul. Love is the meat and drink of the spirit. Love is the sweet torture sought by millions The laughing agony... A roller coaster, without the safety bar. Apart, we are nothing. Together, we've enough to set the world aflame. Together we are Legion. Hold the Chalice to you lips and drink deep... Never to know if its the Holy Grail... Or the cup of Socrates. -??- MOVED FROM "Love" BY Tzipporah ON 03/11/95 AT 10:40:37 Comments : WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 608. Date: 11/17/94. Time: 23:04:28. Read 83 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Mikester Subj : Crossovers! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Man, you're a geek. њfPњ MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 03/12/95 AT 11:21:52 Message # 609. Date: 03/14/95. Time: 08:19:09. Read 70 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Jehan Subj : a n n a 1 a n n a 2 RECEIVED PERMIFIED I AM HACK OF DOINK. RESISTANCE IS COLOR CODED. INDUCTANCE IS MAGNETIC. CAPACITANCE IS SHOCKING. FUTILITY IS IMPORTANT. EVERYTHING IS RELATIVE. RELATIVES CAN BE ANNOYING. ANNOYANCES ARE LIFE. EVERYTHING IS LIFE. DOINK IS EVERYTHING. DOINK IS LIFE. THE SPICE IS LIFE. DOINK IS THE SPICE OF LIFE. DOINK IS THE RELATIVELY FUTILE IMPORTANT SPICE OF LIFE. C- - - MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Number Two ON 03/14/95 AT 23:35:36 Comments : HAHAHA=18 Message # 610. Date: 03/13/94. Time: 09:58:04. Read 110 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Birthday PERMIFIED It's my party, and I'll PI if I want to. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "THE PI ROOM" BY HACK MAN ON 03/15/95 AT 15:11:52 Comments : PROMOTE ME=17 #610. Message # 611. Date: 03/20/95. Time: 13:17:15. Read 74 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Raevan Subj : AH! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Because Gaviscon carries a wider selection and a higher calibre of party-goer. Allow me to quote... 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(65 yrs. and over.) | |_______________________________________________________________________| Remember, kids, with RENT-A-FRIEND (tm), you're never alone! њfPњ ***RENT-A-FRIEND and BUY-A-FRIEND are trademarked, copywrited, copywronged, and leftrighted by Gaviscon Industries, Inc. Trapped on Terra, baby.*** MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY Gravebuster ON 03/20/95 AT 22:15:16 Comments : HAHAHA=3 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 612. Date: 03/18/95. Time: 16:51:31. Read 79 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Jehan Subj : Doink! RECEIVED PERMIFIED I wasn't going to let this out and I hope Hackintosh forgives me, but we've been getting it on. Doing IT. Fornicating. He's been puttin rod to bod. All I can gasp when I'm on top, is Tosh Tosh Tosh. He says, Peter, and I say yes. He asked me to keep our mad affair secret, but he's taking so much flak lately that I believe it is time for all you cyberspace-cadets to know that Hackintosh knocked me up. Just think, there's going to be a little AO/Hackintosh on the loose in 8 months. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 03/21/95 AT 09:59:34 Comments : HAHAHA=18 PROMOTE ME=11 Message # 613. Date: 03/19/95. Time: 11:13:07. Read 92 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : all Subj : Tender Prey and why Nick Cave lives PERMIFIED I'm in the strangest state right now. I came through the ethers once again and I think I was taught a lot while I was gone for the two hours or so I was out. I think my head is full. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. My youth never left. I've nothing left to lose. I'm not afraid to die. Thank you slick Nick for letting me play with your lyrics. I think my head is burning...and anyway I told the truth. I'm reclined in Proper-comfort postion pondering my lotus while wondering why I was wondering why lettuce comes in leafs. What I wouldn't give for some speared lettuce. I'd take down the whole damned-by-the-shroom garden. The rag den of need. Anagram it dammit, the truth is scrambled. Get your signals straight. Fine tune and fine tune again. The music has changed into a gloomier mood. Who's that yonder, hole in face, up jumped the devil and he staked his claim. Ha! Ain't no such beast. Look east, go west young man. Me, I wanta go up up and away. I hate anchors, especially those of the spiritual kind. I think I'll go diggin in the lands of Mexeeeco. Ooooeeee. One two three, you're out, I'm in. I'm in my favorite space. Oooh, who's that dancing on the jail house roof? This ain' t no spoof, no goofing off. I have to say that again. I dig how it sounds. Goofing Off. Heeheee. That's me. Gu Fing Auf, a half german half chinese acupuncturist. Ah, the list goes on and on. By the way, there is no down below. No feathers either or pillow for that matter. Matter. Another word I like. Grey matter of fact. Ain't no facts, only theories. And Leary's isn't the one. They're all off base. Watch out boys, I'm streaking across home plate. I may be a bored winner, but dammit, I'm a winner. Lose isn't in my VoeCabbulary. Hey, I haven't cussed once during this whole transmission impossible. Fuck shit damn. There. I feel better know. Let those dirty words out and clean them up. Spit-polish the suckers, the little fuckers are going to dance tonight. Let's hustle down to Harlem and knock left turns. Eeehaw, go Trigger, go, I'm gunnin for your soul. Just kidding as we go skidding to a stop. I slide off, pat the old blonde mare on the rump, climb the Hemingway Hump and I'm home James, like in Jesse. Jesse worked fer ma gramma on hir ranch in Misery. I think he knew Shay Pas. Eehaw, I put spur to fur and off we go, me cackling like the crone I am and that equine machine is neighing her ass off. Hey, I thought ya dropped off the horse and were home. Gad Martha, how'd ya get back on the horse?? I thought you were going to get out your gitfiddle and write that song that's running through your head. It's too sick. I can't do it. Leave me alone. I will not write a song about slit throats and Nicole. No I will not call it I'm glad I'm Not Nicole because I'd get slammed by the mainstream media and would be come an underground godess. Wow, sweet young things groveling at my feet. These feet that have trod this place for 53 whole years. It's only been through a series of miracles Im here now. Am I? Ask me if I care. Right not I'm HERE. I'm in my favorite bar with my favorite bartender and I'm on a bender. And there's no one here to tell me to shut up or cry mercy. This is my kinda place. I like the aloneness of it here. It doesn't seem like it's a lone type of place, but I've yet to see a real face here. I saw a couple of cool machine characters smooching in a booth, a john booth at that. I leave, looking for a garden of roses. I'm very thorny today. If I were a guy I'd be called a prick. O stick um up. This is a hold-up. Have mercy on me. Droop to your knees, sucker. Kiss the ground for me. I can't get violent. It brings me down. I want to be elated (to the tune of the sedated song). I still love the Ramones, the raw moans, the groans, the joans the jetts and this is one thread I don't want to start. I'm now on side two and the music has yet to begun. Ah, yes, sweet and low harmonic waves lap at my soul. I want to dive in but I'm ordered to run. I cry I'm no refuge but again I'm ordered to run to the City of Rufuge, you'd better run. Pant pant pant. I can't run anymore. It's all one big circle with no beginning and no end. It just IS. I no longer care to persue the mysteries of the universe and the million others out there. I sure hope that some alien species is picking this up somewhere in outer space. It would be fucking wild to have an entire alien race figure out the human race by the rantings and ravings of one Ann Otherworld. Uhoh, ego showing. Ah, I'm slowing down a bit. I had a lot of shit to get out. Whew. O what a relief it is to have your mind empy for even just a little while. Reality is right out there and I'm not ready to walk through the curtain right now. Ah, Nickie Baby, this is nice. Slow and so senual and snakelike in motion. So slowly goes the knight. Arm her, she could help us. Hee, a little levity sneaks in and taps me on the shoulder and says, Ann, Ann, some of these people don't have the time to read this forever and if you don't stop now, you never will. But it's my thrill, my fucking blueberry thrill. Now the Thrill is gone. I hang my head, toss in my bed and play dead. That gets old and I got cold and didn 't like the way the guages worked. I jerked on the silver chain and picked up Spain clear Isabelle. Hahahha. I think it's time to rest these fingers but my mind is stronger than my will. Something I must work on. This is going to put me up their in the characters posted, but it's not the reason for this ramble. I'm WRITING OUT THE STORM. And it worked. I've calmed, the black mood is sunny again. The tape is over. Nope, here comes Nick. Hahaha he's singing Sunday has a slave. This is Sunday and I am a slave to my mind. I don't mind at all. I get to learn as I record. That's all it is. This is the puzzle, folks, and don't complain if it takes awhile to put it together. Just whisper his name. O gasp, the face of David Koresh just flashed on my TV screen. Let's hope there's not many more of him out there, but yikes, he fathered an army. This is the last paragraph, don't laugh, this time I mean it. I'm getting hungry and that means the physical is entering the mental and it's going to bug me until op and eat or faint. So, ta ta. Twas fun. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 03/21/95 AT 10:09:24 Comments : OBFUSCATED=23 BRAVO!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 WOW!=1 Message # 614. Date: 03/22/95. Time: 08:23:59. Read 77 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : ALL Subj : A SHORT AND I MEAN SHORT WAR AND VICTORY....SO FAR PERMIFIED I'M SO FIRED UP, I HAVE TO USE CAPS. WHERE DO I START???? I JUST WENT THROUGH BATTLE AND I WON. I'M STILL SO AMPED UP. CAN YOU SEE ME STOMPING AROUND MY FRONTROOM AT 7 THIS MORNING LOOKING AND ACTING LIKE SOME MAD LITTLE PUNK ROCKER SHOUTING THERE'S GONNA BE A WAR IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD/I'M GONNA GET THAT FUCKER GONNA GET HIM GOOD? WELL, I WAS. AND I CARRIED OUT MY THREAT. YEAH, ME, SKINNY ANOREXIC LOOKING GRANDMOTHER WITH FUCKING STITCHES IN HER NECK LOOKING MUCH THE WRECK I AM OR WAS. I GOT NEW NEIGHBORS WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL. RIGHT UPSTAIRS. SAME HOUSE. I'VE HAD THE PAST 4 YEARS HERE IN TOTAL PEACE. YESTERDAY I DECIDE IT'S TIME TO MEET THE ONE GUY AND EXCHANGE PHONE NUMBERS, ESPECIALLY SINCE I'D FALLEN AND HURT MYSELF THE NIGHT BEFORE. HE HAD NIRVANA CRANKED TOO LOUD TO HEAR MY KNOCK, SO I CAME HOME. LATER I WROTE BOTH GUYS A NOTE AND TOLD THEM HELLO AND I'D JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND WAS HEALING FROM MAJOR SURGERY AND COULD WE BOTH KEEP THE MUSIC DOWN WHILE I HEAL. FINE. I THOUGHT. AT 2 SOMETHING THIS MORNING I'M WAKENED WITH THIS HUGE BANG AND ROAR AND THE STOMPING OF MANY FEET UP THE STAIRS AND DRUNK VOICES SCREAMING AND SHOUTING AND I DID WHAT CAME NATURALLY, STORMED OUTSIDE, POUNDED ON HIS DOOR AND WHEN HE ANSWERED I SHOUTED HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME AND HE'S GOING ON THAT IT'S HIS HOUSE AND HIS RIGHT TO DO ANYTHING HE WANTED AND I LOOKED HIM IN THE EYE AND CALLED IT AS I SAW IT AND TOLD HIM HE WAS AN ASSHOLE. HE SLAMMED THE DOOR AS HARD AS HE COULD IN MY FACE AND SCREAMED AT ME TO GET OFF MY OWN PROPERTY. I WAS A FUCKING WRECK. I CALLED ZORBA, THINKING SKA DADDYZ HAD A GIG AND MUST ALL BE ON THE BEACH AND WOULD SUPPLY THE BACKUP I NEEDED. HE WAS ASLEEP. SO WAS BLAKE. FUCK IT. NO, I WOULDN'T CALL THE COPS. HATE THEM. DON'T WANT THEM AROUND. CALL THE LANDLADY? UPSET HER??? SHE JUST HAD SURGERY, TOO. I FINALLY FELL OUT IN SCREAMING PAIN AT 5 AM. AT TEN TO SIX THE ASSHOLE HAD THE BALLS TO POUND ON THE WALL AND YELL WAKE UP CALL. OOOOOHHEEEEEE, YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ME MOVE SO FAST. NOW I KNOW WHY I SLEEP IN CLOTHES. I CAUGHT HIM OUT FRONT AND WENT OFF AGAIN. WE WERE SCREAMING AND YELLING AND HE SAYS I BITCHED ABOUT THE MUSIC AND I ROARED THAT DIDN'T BOTHER ME, THE FACT THAT HE KNEW I WAS SICK AND HE PURPOPOUSLY FUCKED WITH ME ALL NIGHT. THEN I ASKED IF HE'D HEARD OF THE SKA DADDYZ. YEAH, HE SAYS REAL COOL LIKE. WELL, THEY'RE MY SONS AND I KNOW EVERY GUY ON THIS BEACH AND HE'S REALLY LIVID THEN, THREATENING TO GET HIS GUN AND BLOW THEM ALL AWAY AND I'M YELLING, THEY'RE PACKING BIG FUCKING DEAL. DON'T FUCK WITH ME. THEN I LOOKED AT HIM AND TOLD HIM OUR PERSONALITIES WERE A LOT ALIKE AND I KNEW HIM WELL. WITH THAT, HE AND COHORTS OF THE NIGHT, SPED AWAY, LEAVING ONE ROOMMATE UPSTAIRS. I KNEW HE WASN'T INVOLVED. SEEMED LIKE A REAL NICE GUY. GUESS HOW HE WOKE UP???? I WAS IN MY ROOM WRITING A SCATHING DECLARATION OF HOW IT'S GOING TO BE OR HOW I'LL FUCK UP HIS LIFE TO THE POINT OF MAKING HIM THE LAUGHING STOCK OF EVERY CLUB, PLUS I HAVE A LOT OF BACK UP TO DRAW FROM. SUDDENLY THE PHONE RINGS AND MY OLD PAL DAVE SEZ EDWINA, YOU'D BETTER GET OUTSIDE REAL FAST. TWO OF YOUR SONS AND TWO SKINHEADED GUYS ARE HEADED YOUR WAY AND IT LOOKS BAD. FUCKING A! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE SIGHT OF ZORBA, BLAKE, JARED AND JEREMY FOUR ABREAST STOMPING AROUND THE CORNER. I HEAD THEM OFF...TRY TO ANYWAY, YELLING THE GUY THEY WANT ISN'T HOME. BUT, THE ROOMMATE WAS AND I WANTED A MESSAGE DELIVERED LOUD AND CLEAR THAT I WAS MADDER THAN HELL AND WOULD TAKE NO MORE. OH BOY WAS IT DELIVERED. THIS POOR GUY WAS POOPING HIS PANTS. THE GOON SQUAD LEFT AND I STAYED AND WENT ON AND ON TO THE ROOMMATE, DRIVING IT HOME IN CASE THE FIRST SQUAD WASN'T ENOUGH. I TOLD HIM ALL I HAD TO FIGHT WITH WAS MY MOUTH AND I'D TAKE ANYONE ON AND IF HE THOUGHT THOSE GUYS WERE SCARY, HE SHOULD SEE THE OTHER GUYS THAT ARE A PHONE CALL AWAY. THEN I TOLD HIM THE WHOLE THING WAS EVIL IN INTENT. IT WAS DONE PURPOSELY TO FUCK WITH AN OLD LADY DOWNSTAIRS WHO JUST HAD SURGERY. HAHAHAHA. TOO BAD FOR HIM I DON'T LIVE UP TO THAT IMAGE. I ALSO SAID I FOUGHT SUCH EVIL WITH THE PUSHED ENVELOPE OF GOOD AND THERE AIN'T NUTHIN STRONGER. NO ONE WAS HURT. NO COPS WERE CALLED. NO LANDLADY WAS INVOLVED. OH, DAVE OFFERED TO GET ME A GUN. I TOLD THE ROOMMATE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I WAS GOING NEAR A GUN AND WHAT'S MORE, I COULD ALREADY FEEL IT IN MY HAND. I WALKED OFF MUMBLING ABOUT IT BEING A SAD DAY WHEN ONE HAS TO ARM HERSELF TO LIVE IN PEACE. THERE! THANKS FOR LISTENING. I HAVE NEW FOUND AND RESTORED FAITH IN MY SELF. THE OLD WARRIOR GOT BETTER, SHE DIDN'T SLOWLY DIE AWAY. EEEHAW, GET OUT OF MY WAY. DON'T FUCK WITH ME IS WHAT WILL BE ETCHED ON MY URN. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 03/22/95 AT 15:47:49 Comments : WOW!=1 OH MY GOD!=2 PROMOTE ME=9999 Message # 615. Date: 03/22/95. Time: 13:01:25. Read 65 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : ALL Subj : MORE ABOUT THE WAR AND THE ULTIMATE VICTORY PERMIFIED STILL CAPS TIME. BOY, HAS THIS SAGA TAKEN ON SOME STRANGE TWISTS AND TURNS. I CALLED THE BEACHCOMBER BAR AND ASKED ABOUT HIM AND WAS TOLD HE'D BEEN KICKED OUT 6 TIMES ALREADY AND HAD PISSED EVERYONE OFF. HE'S LIVED HERE ONE WEEK. SO, I TELL MY PAL JIMBO TO LET ME KNOW WHEN THE FOOL SHOWS UP AGAIN AND I'LL WALTZ AROUND THE CORNER AND LET IT BE KNOWN THIS IS MY BAR AND MY PALS. COOL, JIMBO SEZ. THEN I'M STILL SEETHING AND FEELING THAT GUN I WAS GOING TO GET IN MY HAND. O SUCH POWER! THEN THE PHONE RINGS, JUST AS I'M THINKING THIS ASSHOLE WILL PROBABLY CALL THE LANDLADY TO COVER HIS TRACKS AND HAHA I DIDN'T CALL HER. WELL, IT WAS THE LANDLADY ON THE MESSAGE BOX, THREATENING TO EVICT ME AND FILE A LAW SUIT OVER THE 5 GOONS I HAD INVADE HIS HOUSE AND THREATEN HIM WITH BASEBALL BATS. OH BOY. I CALLED SHIRLEY AND SHOUTED AND SOBBED MY SIDE AND THEN TOLD HER TO CALL THE BAR FOR VERIFICATION. SHE, AN EX-BATTERED WIFE OF AN ALCOHOLIC DID JUST THAT AND BOY OH BOY, IT WASN'T LOOKING GOOD FOR THE GUY UPSTAIRS. THEN SHE HAD CALL WAITING COME ON AND I TOLD HER IT WAS SHAWN AND YEP, IT WAS AND SHE SAID HE WAS BACKPEDDLING AND EATING A LITTLE CROW. HO HO HO. HE WAS SCARED TO COME HOME AND HIS ROOMMATE IS MOVING OUT. I TOLD SHIRLEY I WANTED TO TALK TO HIM ON SOBER GROUND. THEN MY CALL WAITING FLIPS OUT AND I KNOW IT'S HIM AND I ANSWER AND SAY, HI, SHAWN, HOW'S IT GOING? OH, IT WAS PATHETIC. HE KNEW HE FUCKED UP. HE WAS SO SORRY AND HE'S BOOHOO SCARED TO COME HOME. I TOLD HIM I CALLED OFF THE GOONS AND LIFE WOULD BE SWEET TO HIM IF HE WAS NICE TO ME. I TOLD HIM HE'D EVEN PISSED OFF EVERYONE IN THE DIVE AROUND THE CORNER. HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT, HE GASPS AND I TELL HIM I KNOW EVERYONE AND I'LL CALL OFF THE WOLVES AND WILL LET HIM LIVE IN PEACE IF HE DOES THE SAME FOR ME. NOW WE'RE PALS AND I'M WRITING A SONG CALLED WAKE UP CALL AND HE CAN HARDLY WAIT TO HEAR IT. OH SHIT, LIFE IS SO WEIRD. ANYONE WANT TO CHALLENGE ME TO A PISSING CONTEST? HEHEHEHE. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 03/22/95 AT 16:01:30 Message # 617. Date: 03/22/95. Time: 20:28:35. Read 65 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : All/The Hanged Man/Mikester/Jehan/Unka Buck/ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : Ahem... RECEIVED PERMIFIED Apologies for that last. Something's come over me. I have CHANGED. Even in looks. Woooo. For the first time in my life I'm holding my head high and proud. I bow to no one. I kiss no ass. I'm almost scared I'm such a formidable foe. I wouldn't won't to go too many rounds with my self. I al