From "The Retreat" (805-483-3104): Subboard - "The Hall Of Fame" Message # 2. Date: 07/22/89. Time: 20:43:11. Read 327 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : All Subj : ONE MEGABYTE OF MARGINS! THIS IS IT, everyone! This message marks the posting of my Millionth character! Due to the inaccuracy of the average message length information, I can't narrow down the exact character, but I can get close... !!! GAVISCON !!! One of the letters in my name is it! ___/\-__________<--_-< Hazzah! Hazzah! Hazzah! (Somehow I figured there'd be more) I gnow! A fireworks show for ANSI peoples! _____________________________________________________________________________ /---\/ /\\___//\\v^.. ../\I' @--:. # '\\/..* \/ / # * | Ah well, I never was good at that anyway, was I?<----- But THAT is memorable! !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Megabyte of Margins @=- ___/ ___/ /| | The "Pi Guy" /| | | | | | -) FTAS (- -> FTAS <- -) FTAS (- -| FTAS |- -( FTAS )- -< FTAS >- -( FTAS )- -| FTAS |- Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=2 Message # 3. Date: 08/19/89. Time: 03:09:40. Read 422 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : All Subj : My last message on Hack's Retreat! Bye everyone! This is the last message I'll post in the Tavern for a while... I haven't too much to say, and I'd rather not spend too much time saying it. Keep Obfuscating, guys. Im glad to see it hasn't died out in five years. The art is more powerful than Margining. (And has a higher longevity) Do any of you think, perhaps, that Berkeley attracts select Obfuscate represenatives? First, the one, true, most omniscient Obfuscate, Lex Luthor, gets pulled out of Ventura County's local area, and origin of the Obfuscates, and now I am being pulled, similarly, a represenative of my generation of Obfuscates. Lex left for Berkeley at almost the same time I began getting into Gnome's Cas- tle. (Sort of like the Father Time/Baby New Year turnover) Maybe it's just a coincidence, but I think Hack Man and the others should pay extra close attention to any new user who maight start calling in the near future. Obfuscation will be running through his/her veins! I bid you all a farewell, may you never bid for welfare! Hack Man: Thanks for running the board. I'd not feel complete without a place for us Obfuscates. Look for my book someday. I hope it's a best seller... B Y E E V E R Y O N E ! !!! GAVISCON !!! ___/ ___/ -=@ Margin Master @=- /| | The "Pi Guy" /| | -) FTAS (- --==OBFUSCATE==-- | | | | /extra pickles, please! Comments : WAY!=1 BLOWS!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 10. Date: 07/12/90. Time: 03:15:48. Read 200 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : All or Nothing Subj : Able was I ere I saw Berkeley :The following message was promoted to the Hall of Fame for the sole purpose :of the completion of Gaviscon's "final quest". This "final quest" was to :post at least one message one every subboard (except the all-female board & :the sysop's board, both of which he doesn't have access to) that did, in- :deed fit the subject of that subboard. He had to find an old message that :could be promoted instead of writing a new one because, frankly, that's how :it works! Somebody's got to go dust the daisies. They're getting mighty dirty. I'm not responsible, but I'm dusting them off anyway. With my mop in hand, and feather duster, I swab a few sequoias and polish a plant 'till it's pretty and pristine. Nature invented dew and breezes to let the flowers stay clean... But I still think She needs help. When the maids of the universe come gnocking on my door, I'll send them on next door, for my chrysanthemums are clean. Whoah! Wait! What's that? Purple snakes dancing on a barstool! Where am I? Ah! Falco! Nice to see you... Hmm... Yes, I plan to buy something. No, I'm not just loitering. Get me a Double Demon Rider! And make it a double! What? Oh! That's right! It already IS a double. Well, make it a single, then. NO. Forget that. Get me a Pine Sol Daqueri, hold the Sol. What? Can't do that? You've been serving drinks to Obfuscates for umpteen and a half years! You of all people... er, I mean half-ogre's, ought to be able to take such a request. Why, I ought to... OOOH! Ouch. Sorry. Yes, I see you were right all along. The error of my ways lies open before me like a golden field of dandelions and a ton of bricks on my head. Just get me a fuschiafruit cocktail... YES! THERE IS SUCH A THING as a fuschiafru, Oh get me a beer... ... ... Hold the mug. !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- Comments : HAHAHA=1 #10. Message # 12. Date: 02/06/89. Time: 16:52:28. Read 149 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : The Music Man Subj : Guns RECEIVED Guns don't kill people... ...Bullets kill people. (The guns just make them go very very fast.) !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -Trapped on Terra. Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=103 Message # 13. Date: 28/29/09. Time: 17:30:34. Read 153 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : ANSIs Subj : Non-ANSI users can effectively ignore me. ____| \_/ | | | | | __________________________________________________________| d SCORE! (Don't you wish you could shoot a ball like that?) _________________||||_________________||||___ __ _________| Message # 14. Date: 03/02/89. Time: 14:08:39. Read 147 Times. From : HACK MAN To : peggy Subj : ANOTHER TEST RECEIVED HERE IS ANOTHER TEST. CLEAR THE SCREEN? (Y/N) : CHANGE TO RED? (Y/N)? : TURN ON BLINK? (Y/N) : DOINK! WHITE BACKGROUND? (Y/N) : BEEP A LOT? (Y/N) : PI MODE? (Y/N) : 3.14159265 0 MORE? (Y/N) : I'M GLAD YOU WANTED MORE... BUT THERE ISN'T ANY! READ MESSAGE AGAIN? (Y/N) : C- - - Message # 16. Date: 02/01/91. Time: 09:02:33. Read 187 Times. From : Gizmo To : Gavison, I finally found Subj : Merry XMAS, a little late PERMIFIED I finally found it! my 1.5 yr quest is over!!! 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a peripheral was stirring, not even a mouse; The modem was hung by the keyboard with care In hopes that a download soon would be there. The pirates were nestled all snug in their beds While visions of unprotects danced in their heads. And Kathleen in her kerchief, and I in my cap Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When up on the hard drive there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. Away to the monitor I flew like a flash, Sat down at the keyboard, gave the spacebar a mash. The sight on the screen, a'flicker with snow Gave the luster of power surge to the menu below. When, what to my wandering eyes should appear, But an autoexec.bat that seemed rather queer. With a little print driver so lively and quick, I knew in a moment I had seen a new trick. More rapid than eagles my curser it came; My voice box whistled, and shouted, and called me by name. "Now format, now rename, copy, and enter! On num lock, on caps lock, on scroll lock, and printer. To the top of the page, to the top of the doc, Now tab it and bold it and merge it and block." As utilities that build up the CPU speed Clash with just the programs I need, So up to the screen top the curser it flew With a RAM full of memory and an extension board too. And then, in a twinkling I heard on the speaker, The grinding of the hard drive growing much weaker. As I tried to reboot and turn it around, The attributes changed from blue into brown. I hit the control, the alt, and delete. The message it gave me, I cannot repeat. It asked me to Ignore, Retry, or Abort. It told me the parallel had become the comm port. Its lights how they twinkled; its pixels how merry. Its prompts were all scrambled, like a bowl full of cherries. It sounded just like it wanted to blow; The screen was suddenly white as the snow. It scrolled the directory before my eyes With programs I didn't even recognize. It wouldn't see D; it wouldn't see E. I couldn't get out of B into C. Norton's tried to read it; It finally found the FAT; But alas!, the disk was faulty, And couldn't reformat. Away flew the DBase; Away flew the Doses; Away flew the WordStar; Right out with the Windows. The spreadsheets were spreading; The footers were heading; What once had been memory Was close to forgetting. When the grinding was over And the smoke had all cleared, I looked at the unit, And it was just as I feared. The 40 meg wonder had crashed in the night. I'll never be able to block out that sight! So tell everyone to avoid my plight; Back up! Back up! Merry Christmas! Good Night! heheheh the pirates were sleeping with visions of unprotects? I suppose visions of cracks would imply a whole other concept! hahah! ___ ___ ___Gizmo___ Message # 17. Date: 01/08/91. Time: 01:16:00. Read 221 Times. From : Lynx To : All Subj : Doink part II! PERMIFIED [32m[48m[33;63H[50;24H Comments : WAY!=2 NO WAY!=2 HAHAHA=2 BLOWS!=1 Message # 20. Date: 04/20/91. Time: 09:48:07. Read 191 Times. From : Ubik To : Unka Buck Subj : copywriting RECEIVED PERMIFIED Hey your right, We should all have full access to gizmo. On second thought, maybe it would be better if we just had him thoroughly copyrighted for our own protection. Ubik Comments : WAY!=23 HAHAHA=103 BLOWS!=1 #20. Message # 21. Date: 05/05/91. Time: 21:35:45. Read 184 Times. From : Lynx To : BINKISTS! Subj : DOINK! PERMIFIED !K!NK!INK!BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK! BINK![0;0H-- --- --- | | | \ *[0;0H | > | | | |\| |< |[0;0H -- --- --- | | | \ *[0;0H -- --- --- | | | / |[0;0H | > | | | |\| |< |[0;0H -- --- --- | | | \ *[0;0H-----\----------< SPLAT! ***************************************************** Comments : WAY!=5001 HAHAHA=105 RASPBERRYS=1 BLOWS!=5 OBFUSCATED=1 HUH?=1 DOINK=1 WHO CARES=1 BRAVO!=3 Message # 22. Date: 05/24/91. Time: 10:18:15. Read 166 Times. From : Gizmo To : Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED ignore this message Message # 23. Date: 11/30/89. Time: 04:11:28. Read 184 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : NEW DEFINITION PERMIFIED SOME OF YOU MAY GNOW AN INTERESTING FACT ABOUT IBM COMPATIBLE COMPUTERS. THE IBMS KEEP TRACK OF TIME OF DAY BY A COUNTER THAT COUNTS 18.20676 TIMES EVERY SECOND. THE COUNTER STARTS AT 0 (AT THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT) AND COUNTS UP TO 1573064 AND THEN RESETS. WHEN YOU TYPE "TIME" A FANCY ALGORYTHM TAKES THIS NUMBER AND CONVERTS IT INTO HOURS : MINUTES : SECONDS. I HAD TO USE THIS NUMBER (1 / 18.20676TH (OR .0549247)) IN THE NEW VERSION OF MY BBS - SO I HAD TO FIND A NAME FOR IT. THIS FRACTION HAD TO BE DEFINED. AFTER CONSULTING WITH TMM IT WAS DETERMINED THAT THIS FRACTION SHOULD FOREVER BE GNOWN AS A "DINKY". SO - HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT CONVERSION FIGURES FOR YOU. 1 DAY = 1573064 DINKY SECONDS (ALSO GNOWN AS DINKYS). 1 DINKY MILE = 290 FEET 0.0261 INCHES. 1 DINKY HOUR = 3 MINUTES 17.7288 SECONDS. 1 JIFFY = 3.295479 DINKYS (DINKY SECONDS). (NOTE 1 SECOND = 60 JIFFYS). 1 DINKY = 197.7288 INSTANTS (NOTE 60 INSTANTS IN A JIFFY). 1 DINKY INCH = 1.395086 MILLIMETERS. AND OF COURSE 1 DOINK = 18.20676 DINKY DOINKS. Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 BRAVO!=1 Message # 24. Date: 03/11/90. Time: 20:07:18. Read 203 Times. From : Lynx To : all Subj : Wah! PERMIFIED ----- doink SPLAT Lynx Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 Message # 25. Date: 06/12/91. Time: 23:49:34. Read 172 Times. From : Unka Buck To : Mitey Byte Subj : LIFE IN GENERAL RECEIVED PERMIFIED Life is better at 300 baud. Think of all the great 300 baudist throughout history. Socrates-- "The 2400 baud life is not worth living." Abe Lincoln-- "4 score and 300 baud ago..." J. F. K.-- "Ask not what 1200 baud can do for you, but what you can do at 300 baud." F. D. R.-- "We have nothing to fear but baud rates higher than 300." Teddy Roosevelt-- "Talk softly, but call at 300 baud." Hamlet-- "300 baud, or not 300 baud; that is the question." Capt. James T. Kirk-- "These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise, whose 300 baud mission..." the list goes on../. -UNKA BUCK- --==OBFUSCATE==-- Comments : HAHAHA=77 BRAVO!=103 Message # 26. Date: 07/01/91. Time: 12:42:50. Read 132 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : Those who wish to gnow... Subj : Able was I ere I saw Berkeley II PERMIFIED The sun sets early Everything's backward The moon rises late You gnow it's all right Straight becomes curly For normal's absurd Curly becomes straight Dark should be light Violet turns to red Should logic prevail And cities decay Then two squared is four Life will soon be dead And my world would fail As skies turn to gray But then so should war An old coffee cup Where squares are now round Once broken in two Is where I shall appear Starts rising up I'll never be found With entropic glue But until then, look here: All pencils erase Gaviscon Aviscenna With sharpened point tips P.O. Box 4735 And turkeys say grace Berkeley, CA 94704-4735 From their own hungry lips United States of America, Earth !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 27. Date: 06/26/91. Time: 19:37:51. Read 164 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : HACK MAN Subj : PURPLE SNAKES DANCING ON A BAR STOOL!!!!! RECEIVED Sure, check this out: ( ) ) ( ( ) ====== ====== \/ \/ It's Axel /\ /\ and Fiat, the | | | | acrobatic pur- | | | | ple snakes! (Axel) (Fiat) )( )( )( ( )( )( ) )( ) ( )( ( )( )( ) )( /( )( / )( ) / __ __ \ __ \ \__ \ \ / \ / ) __ _( _( / ) ( ) FiatAxel( / )( ) ( )( ( )( )( ) )( ) ( )( ( )( )( ) )( ) ( )(() ( )( ) )( ) ( )(( )( )( ) \ ( )( ) )( ) / ( )( ( )( ) \ ( )( ) )( ) / ( )( __ )( ) __ ( )( \_ )( ) \ ( )( \ )( ) \ \ ( )( ( )( ) Axel) Fiat( )( __ )( ) __ ( )( ( )( ) ) ( )( ( )( ) )( )( ) ( ( )( )( ) )( )( )( ( )( )( ) )( )( )( ( )( )( ) )( )( )( ( )( )( ) )( )( )( Comments : BLOWS!=1 OBFUSCATED=31416 BRAVO!=142 Message # 28. Date: 06/27/91. Time: 18:57:35. Read 155 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : Anyone who cares. Subj : Plug outlets You gnow, when I get everything set up at Berkeley, I have a tremendous problem with plug outlets. I mean, I've got a monitor, a computer and a printer, all which need to be plugged into a three-pronged outlet. The plug for the modem is one of those huge blocks that you have to plug in to just the right socket, so it doesn't take up two outlets. Then, I also have to plug in all of my stereo components: a tuner, a cassette player, and a CD player. And now, I've got a FAX machine that I'll need to plug in. Then, to complicate things, there is the issue of lights... At least one near the computer, plus two others elsewhere in the room. Now, there's also my clock-radio, which will need a plug outlet. And, we also have to find space for the VCR that my roommate owns, since we plug that directly into my computer monitor to turn it into a television. (I almost forgot about that!) Adding that up, I need to have an absolute minimum of TEN plug outlets in one area! Plus, I will need a total of thirteen or fourteen for my entire room. That's not so much of a problem, since it only means about three more elsewhere in the room, and I should have more outlets on another wall, but the ten that I need in one small area is a problem. I'll need a surge protector plugged into another surge protector! Is that dangerous? God! I could be killed! !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- \/()\/===()=\/=()=\/ =()=\/ <>=<=>>==<=>=<== \/=()= =()=\/<<>=>===\/=()=go er el=()=\/ nta=()=\/<=\/=()=o not|_\/a_| o\/t|_\/a\/=()=noab\/=()=l f\/=()=oaug\/=()=elt <\/==()=vtct<=\/=()=tre \/=()= aheT|_\/e_|h \/T|_\/e\/=()= le\/>()=t =to\/=()= ete\/=()=a Th\/=()=g.ve\/=()=raed=()= , yi th\//\\///\\//\\/, /\\//\\//\\/ /\\//\\//\\//\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\ /\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ri\//\\//\ f\//\\//\us\//\\//\ t\//\\//\e \//\\//\ve\//\\//\av\//\\//\ t\//\\//\he\//\\//\Th\//\\//\ T\//\\//\. \//\\//\ ug\//\\//\ a\//\\//\ye\//\\//\ug\//\\//\t \//\\//\e'\//\\//\to\//\\//\tl\//\\//\t \//\\//\lu\//\\//\en\//\\//\ee\//\\//\te\//\\//\rt\//\\//\ou\//\\//\ f\//\\//\nl\//\\//\ut\//\\//\ro\//\\//\ I\//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\ -\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ \//\\//\ -(Darn computer bugs!) Comments : BLOWS!=1 BRAVO!=158 Message # 36. Date: 07/30/91. Time: 20:08:35. Read 153 Times. From : Gviscon viscenn To : TMM Subj : Silhouettes in the Deluge... RECEIVED Mr. Music, I'm going to compose this document, you see, without the use of the letter you pro- scribed. My intentions extend even furthur in my post. My communique is here but without my common whim of fitting in my words with those indecorous, stretched, unsightly lines, simply built with this full screen editor. Only one void between words inside this post! I perform my deed show- ing not only the common exhibitions, but exotic designs more obscure. I desire to be recognised for my posts but I wish others to seize my words for the incentives it'll inspire in them. (More) !!! The Pi Guy !!! -=@ Border Expert @=- MOVED FROM "THE OBFUSCATORIUM" BY HACK MAN ON 10/21/91 AT 01:33:48 Comments : HAHAHA=42 BLOWS!=2 BRAVO!=118 Message # 37. Date: 08/02/91. Time: 12:50:38. Read 150 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscnna To : TMM? Subj : Shadows in a rain... RECEIVED So, can I fashion a supposition that a post without an "A" in it was difficult, but within normal domains of possibility? Providing a margin form to that post was worst, but I soon found out that this vocabulary's got vast arrays of common synonyms that function similar, just as aptly as most of my words I was choosing. Now that it's all past, I thought that I ought to try to do it again, but not without "A". I could think of additional things to dismiss from this post! I was thinking of not using an "F", but it's both uncommon and also a bit of a boring sym- bol. Plus, by SAYING that I am not using it, I go and print an "F" and so it ruins my mission! But, it isn't too hard to modify an "F" into a similar symbol. Just kidding! I was working on this symbol all along and you gnow it! I'm sorry for trying to trick you. I won't do such a thing again. (Waiting) !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Authority @=- MOVED FROM "THE OBFUSCATORIUM" BY HACK MAN ON 10/21/91 AT 01:34:13 Comments : BLOWS!=2 BRAVO!=159 Message # 38. Date: 11/04/91. Time: 19:00:56. Read 124 Times. From : Ubik To : Subj : tests RECEIVED __ | |< S < S < S ____=__=_____ / \ |=================| | ++++ UBIK ++++ | |=================| | | | /| | | \`o.O' | | =(___)= | | U | | | | ACK! THPTPHH! | | | |=================| | safe when used | | as directed | =================== MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Mynk Lynx ON 11/06/91 AT 00:17:50 Comments : HAHAHA=100 BLOWS!=1 BRAVO!=100 Message # 39. Date: 07/17/91. Time: 13:46:13. Read 153 Times. From : Gizmo To : HACK MAN Subj : HAVE YOU HUGGED A COMPLETE STRANGER THIS WEEK? RECEIVED PERMIFIED OK. I renounce the bink. Gizmo -=Kloink!=- Gizmo MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 11/07/91 AT 20:49:15 Comments : HAHAHA=100 BLOWS!=1 DOINK=100 Message # 40. Date: 01/11/92. Time: 18:51:59. Read 124 Times. From : THE MUSIC MAN To : whomever Subj : stuph PERMIFIED Obfuscation About Opinion Brief A we which that is It .itself nature in lies obfuscation of nature basic The is It .feel not do but ,sense we which that is It .see not do but perceive is which that ,alas ,is It .comprehend not do but experience we which that ,circumstances other under is still and ,circumstances normal under subjectively is it circumstances other those of some under ,however Divine that point this at is It .not ,therefore ,is and ,for unaccounted ,thereafter experienced continually be will and ,experienced is obfuscation obfuscation point which at ,occurs inevitably enlightenment until ,is that ,occurs obfuscation which by cycle the is This .temporarily ,ceases both experiencing simultaniously of experience unique the one granting and stupidity profound or) realization profound and ignorance profound intricate the in altogether (fitting more is whichever ,intelligence profound never tries obfuscate true A .nature human is that chaos conceptual of flow more and ,flow the with go to but ,flow the create nor ,flow the oppose to own their but ,flow peoples other just Not .flow it let's ,importantly conceptual of flow infinite the of nature the respects obfuscate true A .flow of fruits the blossoms inevitably flow the from that recognizes and ,chaos ,enlightenment inspired spawns obfuscation Elegant .Art ,is that ,creativity to aspire not does obfuscation True .frusteration spawns obfuscation sloppy ,destroy or confuse to out set it does Nor .anyway so do may it but ,annoy was it because not ,transpires inevitably what is Confusion .create to but .place first the in it expecting was nobody because but ,so to intended .folly is else all ,enlightenment for provides obfuscation Divine visualize can obfuscation True .divine not but ,maybe ,Pseudo-obfuscation mere a dismissing ,housefly common a of depths the within from Universe the and ,happen can anything ,point that At .swatted be to needing insect .won't probably The Music Man -=obfuscate=- MOVED FROM "THE OBFUSCATORIUM" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 01/13/92 AT 15:22:37 Comments : OBFUSCATED=100 #40. Message # 44. Date: 08/05/91. Time: 15:59:20. Read 136 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : WHILE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT PERMIFIED COMPARATIVE RELIGION Taoism : Shit Happens. Confucianism : Confucius say, "Shit Happens." Buddhism : If shit happens, it is not really shit. Zen-Buddhism : What is the sound of shit happening? Hinduism : This shit happened before. Islam : If shit happens, it is the will of allah. Protestantism : Let shit happen to someone else. Catholicism : If shit happens, you deserved it. Judaism : Why does shit always happen to us? C- - - MOVED FROM "SCIENCE & PHILOSOPHY" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 02/18/92 AT 21:03:14 Comments : HAHAHA=42 BLOWS!=2 DOINK=32760 BRAVO!=1 Message # 47. Date: 02/27/92. Time: 13:57:16. Read 119 Times. From : Mojo IV To : THE MUSIC MAN Subj : stuph RECEIVED PERMIFIED Yes. Dink is better than Bink. Doink is better that Dink. So, Doink is better than bink. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 02/29/92 AT 11:22:44 Comments : WAY!=100 Message # 74. Date: 07/09/92. Time: 00:20:22. Read 139 Times. From : Ender G To : ALL Subj : Amazing psychological Discovery! Psychologists, performing test in laboratories, have discovered an amazing effect that the color blue has on people. To demonstrate this effect; The Blue Square below is your friend. It has been proven to make people actually feel better when touching its image on a computer screen in tests conducted by psychologist Dr. Bo Place of the of Berkeley. To use its special effect, simply touch its image, and you will feel very pleasant and happy. ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ Simply touch the Blue Square, and you feel feel more pleasant for the rest of the day. ÜÜÜÜÜ ÜÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÜ ÛÛEnder GÛÛ ßÛÛÛÛÛÛÛß ßßßßß MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 07/12/92 AT 23:33:03 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 75. Date: 07/28/88. Time: 14:48:10. Read 679 Times. From : SYSOP To : Tasslehoff Burfoot Subj : The Board! RECEIVED PERMIFIED TASS, AS SOON AS YOU GET TIRED OF THE MENUS YOU CAN CHANGE YOUSELF TO XPERT MODE BY USING THE 'S OPTION ON THE MAIN MENU AND ANSWERING 'YES' TO XPERT MODE. THEN YOU WILL ONLY GET MENUS WHEN YOU ASK FOR THEM. I WILL MAKE A WAY TO LIST THE BOARDS. OKCUL8R C- - - MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 08/24/92 AT 19:41:30 Message # 77. Date: 08/24/92. Time: 19:44:30. Read 115 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : THE PREVIOUS MESSAGE THE PREVIOUS MESSAGE WAS SPONTANEOUSLY PROMOTED TO THE HALL OF FAME BY SOME LINE NOISE TODAY WHEN SOMEBODY PICKED UP THE PHONE. I GUESS THE FATES THINK IT BELONGS HERE, SO I WON'T MOVE IT. I BELIEVE THAT WAS MESSAGE #17 ON THE TAVERN, THE OLDEST SURVIVING MESSAGE ON THE TAVERN, SO MAYBE THAT GIVES IT SOME SORT OF FAME AFTER ALL. C- - - Comments : HAHAHA=101 Message # 78. Date: 07/17/92. Time: 01:00:51. Read 129 Times. From : Ender G To : Ned Zep Subj : Y-o RECEIVED I am going to rape the mans wife who uses a small letter for his last initial but a capital letter for his first one at the end of every message. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):):):) :) :) :) :) :) :):):):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):):):) :) :) :) :):):):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):):):):):):):):):):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :):):):):):):):):) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) Dimetapp makes you sleepy, but very relaxed and mellow happy feeling!! MOVED FROM "3AM CLUB" BY HACK MAN ON 10/23/92 AT 02:28:00 Comments : HAHAHA=101 Message # 82. Date: 08/07/91. Time: 21:26:14. Read 113 Times. From : Ubik To : HACK MAN Subj : pizza RECEIVED HEY HACKMAN How about imagining that Santino's screwed up and schedualed a strippers convention for the same night? ***===========================================================*** * ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| * * o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o * * O O O O O O O O O O * *===============================================================* * * * -------- | | |\ | -------- ||| * * | | | | | \ | | | ||| * * | | |-----| | \ | | | ||| * * | | | | | \ | | | * * -------- | | | \| -------- 0 * * * *===============================================================* * ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| * * o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o o.o * * O O O O O O O O O O * ***===========================================================*** UBIK! --==OBFUSCATE==-- HaHaHa! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 05/22/93 AT 02:00:02 Comments : DOINK=1 BRAVO!=100 Message # 84. Date: 04/29/93. Time: 14:39:00. Read 115 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : GUIDE TO STRANGE FEELINGS PERMIFIED dejavu: It seems like this has happened before vujade: It seems like this has never happened before vudeja: It seems like this is always happening vujavu: It seems like nothing ever happens dejade: It seems like everything is happening at once javude: It seems like nothing ever happens to me devuja: It seems like everything always happens to me jadeja: It seems like everything has already happened C- - - MOVED FROM "THE OBFUSCATORIUM" BY Gravebuster ON 05/22/93 AT 12:28:24 Comments : HAHAHA=23 BRAVO!=100 Message # 85. Date: 08/15/91. Time: 11:39:42. Read 123 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : All Subj : Gaviscon's final message of Summer, 1991! PERMIFIED So, I must be departing now. But, I certainly enjoyed seeing all of you. I am glad that there are still Obfuscates who truly can type well. I am off, then. I can leave with a dream to laugh at Obfuscation as far as I'll go. And whoever I meet I will be entirely confusing & vague to them in memory of Hack Man & friends here at the good old Retreat. I'll be around and you shall see me at Christmas. So, I'm really just attempting to take leave of my census for some time or maybe I am too Obfuscated to gnow what I'll do. I am a bit sad at leaving, but even more anxious to go home. Bye! (More) !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- --==Obfuscate /EXtrodinare==-- - \ | / Comments : BRAVO!=142 Message # 90. Date: 01/18/93. Time: 12:57:39. Read 98 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : Bozo Subj : 90210 RECEIVED PERMIFIED Ah yes! Now you're learning! That was good! Severe shock to the Brady Bunch Defensive system. You actually had me angry for 4.7 femtoseconds there. I'm impressed. Don't stop with 90210, though. I'm sure there are plenty more insults that will work even better. The Luke Perry thing was slipping a bit back into your homosexual ideation, but that guy is so positively icky that the merest glimmer that someone might actually believe I watch that show raised my blood temperature half a dregree! Let's see... I believe I'm obligated to return with a retort, am I not? Um... Let's see if I can think of a good one... You gnow... I'm a good instructuralist... But what they say about teaching what you can't do must be correct. (And don't say that I must teach sex ed- ucation classes, because that's too easy.) Well, then, Mr. Bozo, I must say that you are a speck of dust on the air of disappointment. If only half the universe is laughing behind your back, it is only because the other half is in front of your back. You'd be the per- fect candidate for cryogenic experimentation, because not only do even mag- gots avoid you, but your blood is already at sub-zero temperatures, and no one would miss your absence over the next hundred years. You're a waste of skzo. If you were reduced toeperate pipiles of ur component elements, not only would the sight be more interesting, but the conversations with you would be, too. If you took an SAT, you'd score 190. Face it, Bozo. The only reason anyone puts up with your existance is because they gnew if you were dead, no one would bother to do anything with the body. At least while you are animate, there's the possibility that you will walk away. And the only reason I'm stopping this paragraph is because it's pointless to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man. !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -There's really no satisfaction in this line of work, you gnow? MOVED FROM "WAR BOARD" BY HACK MAN ON 06/05/93 AT 01:57:02 Comments : WAY!=2 HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 #90. Message # 121. Date: 11/10/92. Time: 10:23:29. Read 78 Times. From : Mynk Lynx To : HACK DOINK Subj : Another Fine Message from RACKA You SUCK! On 11-10-92 at 10:12:36. Mynk Lynx --==OBFUSCATE==-- Xnyl Knym p.s. Suckton meter = 0621506649780831935330 MOVED FROM "CO-SYSOP'S BOARD" BY The Music Man ON 06/07/93 AT 14:47:09 Message # 146. Date: 05/09/93. Time: 16:31:24. Read 80 Times. From : Mynk Lynx To : HACK DOINK Subj : Another Fine Message from RACKA You SUCK! On 5-09-93 at 16:25:07. Mynk Lynx --==OBFUSCATE==-- Xnyl Knym p.s. Suckton meter = 5173987180655103038363 MOVED FROM "CO-SYSOP'S BOARD" BY The Music Man ON 06/07/93 AT 14:50:30 Message # 147. Date: 05/10/93. Time: 21:56:36. Read 83 Times. From : Mynk Lynx To : HACK DOINK Subj : Another Fine Message from RACKA You SUCK! On 5-10-93 at 21:49:24. Mynk Lynx --==OBFUSCATE==-- Xnyl Knym p.s. Suckton meter = 6150396123207460420937 MOVED FROM "CO-SYSOP'S BOARD" BY The Music Man ON 06/07/93 AT 14:50:36 Message # 148. Date: 05/21/93. Time: 14:41:38. Read 83 Times. From : Mynk Lynx To : HACK DOINK Subj : Another Fine Message from RACKA You SUCK! On 5-21-93 at 14:32:54. Mynk Lynx --==OBFUSCATE==-- Xnyl Knym p.s. Suckton meter = 9006846311966831061066 MOVED FROM "CO-SYSOP'S BOARD" BY The Music Man ON 06/07/93 AT 14:50:47 Message # 166. Date: 08/07/93. Time: 02:29:47. Read 105 Times. From : HACK MAN To : The Music Man Subj : Hey!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT IIII TTTT IIII TTTT IIII TTTT IIII TTTT IIII TTTT IIII TTTT IIII TTTT IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII TTTT C- - - MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY The Music Man ON 08/07/93 AT 19:29:56 Message # 198. Date: 08/15/93. Time: 19:39:03. Read 82 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : Arwen and Yellowbeard Subj : Congrats to U PERMIFIED Hey now to the people who are now the blessed and proud parents of a baby boy! Congratualtions, you two! It is real cool. I hope that he likes my present when you show it to him. It is, of course, a teddy bear I made from all-natural fiber optic signals and a new brand of characters. This is safe for your child and hypo-alergenic too! Anyway, I am happy to hear about Matthew Cory Tetrick, but I think his you should think about the name we picked out for the tyke... Alex Obfuscita Dill- usia Von Doinknob Penguati Etc X-ile Tetrick. (I decided that I should let you at least keep the last name) It's a lovely name and we've been putting so much effort into it. Well, congratulations, one more time. I hope he brings you many loud sleepless...Er, I mean smiles. !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -Ooops! I got a teddy bear that doesn't quite fit in the box! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY The Music Man ON 08/16/93 AT 01:23:47 Comments : BRAVO!=100 Message # 214. Date: 08/17/93. Time: 10:59:32. Read 97 Times. From : HACK MAN To : IFNI Subj : Ifni RECEIVED IFNI Message # 218. Date: 08/25/93. Time: 13:51:12. Read 78 Times. From : Gravebuster To : HACK MAN Subj : HAPPY BIRTHDAY RECEIVED HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! DOINK!HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! DOINK!HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HACKMAN YOU SUCK!HACKY DOINKDAY TO YOU!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK! DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK! DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK! DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK! DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK! DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK! DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK!DOINK! A forty-two DOINK! salute! +++Gravebuster --==by the way, I still don't have your present yet. Blasted mail order companies!==-- MOVED FROM "EMAIL" BY HACK MAN ON 08/23/93 AT 03:03:23 Message # 219. Date: 07/15/93. Time: 02:36:05. Read 103 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : All Subj : My day in Kla-MATH, Part I PERMIFIED My day in Kla-MATH, Part I: "ARRIVAL" Gaviscon had never been to Oregon, but it looked exactly as he had always pictured it: Green. Calfornia had lots of green, especially near Mount Shasta and Lake Tahoe, but Oregon was all green. California's green always seemed rationed discreetly amongst a yellow background. Even when California was all green, he expected that if he were to cut some of it out, there would be yellow underneath. Oregon was green on top of green on top of more green. And Gav hated it. He liked Portland, though. Portland was a gray and white swath, cut violently out of the green background. Portland, in turn, was cut by a dark river that never moved. And Portland had candy, who was just visiting for a month. She'd asked Gav to relieve her of her boredom. But once he got there, candy had found some people who would believe in her and he suddenly realized that he never had much more to offer her than that. What use was he in a world that believed more and more in a distraught little terror like candy? Well, one day, he thought to himself, they'll realize that she's not real. Then, she'll only have me again. Thoughts like these wafted through his mind as he navigated his intersteller speeder along the Interstate 5. He could have simply flown straight home from Oregon at supersonic speeds, but he always got lost on large continents, and could never figure out the FA laws concerning that sort of thing. As it was, he'd been skimming along at 80 miles per hour anyway, hoping that no legal authorities would mind. His stolen cloking device had been stuck on "Red Hyundai mode" for years and it bothered him that it was the sort of red that immediately attracted the attention of the local Highway Patrol. "I must remember to thank Mahogony when I get back," he reminded himself. The speeder took voice commands, so it wasn't necessary for Gaviscon to be able to touch anything to operate it. That was fortunate as Gaviscon hadn't been able to touch a thing since he'd died so long ago. (YES! THAT WAS A NOT-SO-SUBTLE PLOT MESSAGE FOR THE BENEFIT OF THOSE WHO MIGHT NOT HAVE GNOWN THAT!) "Dead men don't push buttons," Jeri had said, and the speeder had a lot of buttons. Thank God for the voice commands. But Thank Mahogony for the bit of magic that allowed the speeder to carry Gaviscon's insubstantial image. The realm of magic was called something like "subliminus psychologus" or something. What- ever, it worked. "Hey," remarked Gaviscon aloud, "Arwen and Yellowbeard have been docked in Kla-MATH, California for a while. I wonder if they're still there?" He gnew he would probably never find himself so close to Klamath again, so he ordered the ship to change course and cut to the coast. Gaviscon concerned himself always with the what, and never the how or the why. He wasn't sure why he was searching for old friends, when he gnew how long he'd been away without an excuse. And he really didn't gnow how he was going to find them. But he'd stumbled across smaller ships before, and that was in the vast nigh-infinity of space. Once he arrived, he stopped the speeder at a little motel/video store--the only thing open--and asked if the owner gnew of Arwen and Yellowbeard. The owner looked up everyone with matching first names on her computer until she found one that had a flying pirate ship parked on Highway 101. Tentatively, Gaviscon called the number. (Or rather had the hotel/video store owner call while Gaviscon floated close to the receiver). "Ahoy?" "Hi. Is this Yellowbeard?" "Uh, yes, matey." "This is Gav. I'm in Kla-MATH. Where are you?" "GAV? Wow! Hey, Arwen, it's Gav! He's in town!" The conversation ended quickly with vague instructions that Gavis- con dilligently followed, aided by Yellowbeard who stood outside waving flashing landing lights. Upon arriving, Gav quickly noticed why he had not noticed the large, flying pirate ship: it had been landed, attached to a cabin, and converted into a living space. "Bless me barnacles, Gav, it's been a while," Yellowbeard greated. "Come on in. No, wait. First I've got to find my dog." "Dog?" Gaviscon wondered about the practically of a pirate owning a canine. "Well, a seadog, you understand. Ar! Ar! Ar!" Just then, Arwen came floating out, sparkling as usual. "Gav, it's so good to see you. Could you go out and find out if that thing out there is a bear?" "WHAT?" Gaviscon looked shocked, mostly because he was. "Well, it's probably our dog, but if it's that bear that's been hanging around, I don't want it getting at my sweetie... Not without Gravebuster around to resurrect him if he gets mauled." Gaviscon grumbled and stalked off to the shadowed shed in the dis- tance, mumbling, "That's the trouble with being dead. Everyone assumes you can't be killed." ....................................................................... Next week--Part II: "THE GLASS OF MILK" !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -The events you have read here are both real and imaginary. Only the facts have been changed to provoke the innocent. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 08/25/93 AT 20:05:47 Comments : HAHAHA=143 Message # 220. Date: 07/19/93. Time: 01:12:25. Read 97 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : All Subj : My day in Kla-MATH, part II PERMIFIED My day in Kla-MATH, Part II: "THE GLASS OF MILK" After establishing that the animal in question was indeed the sea-dog and not a bear, Arwen and Yellowbeard invited Gaviscon onto their ship. The ship appeared to Gaviscon as having more space on the inside than the outer geometry would suggest. Upon entering the kitchen, the cherub beamed brightly at the sudden opportunity to offer hospitality. "Would you like something to drink, Gav? We have sodas and juices and milk and beer and water and all sorts of things. If we don't have it, I'm sure I could go out and find something for you. What was it you always drink? Jasminefruit or something, right? Tealfruit?" "Um..." Gaviscon was afraid to mention that ghosts don't eat or drink anything. He also doubted her ability to obtain a fushiafruit to make a fuschiafruit cocktail, but he didn't want to suggest that. "Milk will be great!" Gaviscon wasn't entirely sure what he was going to do once he was served, but he didn't want to face the consequences of depriving this friendly cherub from her hospitality. She gleamed. Gaviscon, never sure what to expect, had brought a disintegrator gun with him. After all, this crazy pair lived in the forest. There were bugs in the forest. While Gaviscon was disturbed at the prospect of a mauling at the paws of a bear, that was nothing compared to his fear of bugs. Only a wide-beam blast from a disintegrator pistol was ultimately successful as an insecticide, in Gav's opinion. candy had given Gav that pistol many years ago when he thought he had lost all of his belongings after his ship crashed and caught fire. He was never sure how she had gotten ahold of the weapon, but suspected that she had perhaps stolen several select items be- fore the fire. Unfortunately, the pistol was completely useless as a bug repellent, as it seemed to have gotten stuck on low power and only cast a wide beam of visible light that barely even singed its victim. Mahogony had somehow "arranged" for Gaviscon to be able to carry the gun on his person, but Gav could never figure out how to work or even find the power controls. "So what brings ye to KLA-math, Gav?" Yellowbeard cackled. "My speeder," remarked Gaviscon, acgnowledging Arwen who happily set a glass of milk next to Gaviscon's chair. "No serious, I figured I'd never be this close to Kla-MATH again so I just cut across the state on my way back from Oregon. I wasn't sure where to find you, but I figured with my odd serendipity levels, I'd probably just run into you." The trio then proceeded to discuss, for at least three hours, all of the great adventures of the past, the events that Gav had missed on his quest to regain his memory, and the plans for the future. Gaviscon was re- minded that Arwen Undomiel was expecting a young pirate cherub within the month, to which Gav offered sincere congratulations. Yellowbeard described some of his efforts to help HACK MAN with the rebuilding efforts in New Linhir. Gaviscon remembered that New Linhir was just as prosperous and, in fact, much larger than it had been under the rule of the Gnome, but appar- ently the Obfuscates still hadn't given up on improving and expanding the creations they had made. "I must go back to New Linhir soon," remarked Gaviscon. "Despite my differences, something just doesn't feel right when I'm out on my own, even when candy is with me." Gaviscon remembered how happy candy had been in Oregon, how much she had wanted Gav to like her new friends. During the conversation, Gaviscon figured out an ingenious plan for disposing of the milk. He sneaked out his disintegrator pistol when no one was looking, turned it on, and aimed it at the glass. Slowly over the next three hours, the low power beam evaporated the milk. Problem solved. Nearing one o'clock in the morning, Arwen reminded them that they had to get up early the next morning for spiritual reasons. "Cherub rituals," she explained. They offered Gav a bunk in the crew's quarters of their ship, which he accepted gratefully. Gav slept happily that night, com- pletely forgetting about the disintegrator pistol, which he'd left on the table next to the empty glass of milk. .......................................................................... Next week--Part III: "PAWPRINTS, PISTOLS, AND THE PACIFIC COAST !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -The facts you have read here are both real and imaginary. Only the facets have been changed to panic the innocent. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 08/25/93 AT 20:59:24 Comments : BRAVO!=100 #220. Message # 221. Date: 07/26/93. Time: 04:55:10. Read 97 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : All Subj : My day in Kla-MATH, Part III PERMIFIED My day in Kla-MATH, Part III: "PAWPRINTS, PISTOLS, AND THE PACIFIC COAST" Gaviscon woke the next day, happy and ready for his trip. Drifting out into the kitchen where Arwen and Yellowbeard were fixing breakfast, though it didn't appear to be broken, Gaviscon prepared to say his goodbyes. He gnew what the response would be. "What? You're leaving? Let me make you breakfast! Would you like some cereal or toast? Maybe some eggs, or an omelet? I could whip up some simple French Crepes Suzette Flambe in a light orange sauce with home picked wild berries and freshly churned butter. Yellowbelly! Go find some berries and a cow!" "No, really!" Gav stammered, thinking of scores upon scores of equally lame excuses. He couldn't figure out how to tell this kind, generous, nat- urally hospitible cherub that ghosts can't eat. "Don't trouble yourself. It's very kind of you to offer. I'm very gratious, but I really must be going." Arwen had a hurt look in her eye which saddened Gaviscon. "I had a great time, though!" Gaviscon said, truthfully. Arwen beamed up again and Gaviscon no longer felt as guilty. Gaviscon promised to come back to New Linhir, where Arwen and Yellowbeard made frequent expensive excursions to. "Falco hired me on as a hostess-slash- waitress!" Arwen happily declared. Gaviscon was at first bothered by this concept, having been so used to Falco's sole presence as owner-slash-bar- tender, but the more he thought about her hospitality and the more he thought about the Crepes Suzette, the more he got used to the idea. The three found, as Arwen had warned, that Gav's speeder was covered in pawprints. Their cat had a particular habit of "marking" all visitor's vehicles with scads and scads of pawprints. It was really quite cute, and a significant improvement over the dust-and-dead-bugs design underneath. He smiled, congratulated Arwen once more on her unborn little Obfuscita, then left--leaving behind more smiles, memories, and his disintegrator pistol stuck on low power. He remembered about the pistol as about exactly the point in the drive down the winding Highway 101 when it's too late to do anything. "Oh well!" he muttered, speeding up a few miles per hour, leaving be- hind yet another piece of candy as he drove. !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -But the story never ends... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 08/30/93 AT 20:31:36 Comments : BRAVO!=100 Message # 222. Date: 08/30/93. Time: 15:58:06. Read 73 Times. From : Grazz't To : Stranger Subj : B L A H RECEIVED PERMIFIED print is dead MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 08/31/93 AT 01:25:26 Comments : BOG ME=100 Message # 223. Date: 08/03/93. Time: 13:01:49. Read 82 Times. From : The Music Man To : Stranger Subj : missing links RECEIVED PERMIFIED Maybe we could just plug our brains in using cellular remotes, and log on at our convenience any time of day, while cooking, shopping, going to the bathroom, watching old david letterman re-runs. It'd be like...telepathy! The Ultimate In Networking! BRAINET! Get the stock reports while driving to work! Download files from the library of congress during your history exams! Call up instant facts during arguements and debates! Information available at the synapses immediately upon request! Throw away all your instruction manuals! Never need to open a book again! BRAINET! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 08/31/93 AT 21:49:28 Comments : HAHAHA=23 BRAVO!=100 Message # 224. Date: 12/22/88. Time: 14:59:06. Read 110 Times. From : SYSOP To : ALL Subj : INFINITE MESSAGE RECEIVED PERMIFIED AS YOU TRAVEL THE ROAD OF LIFE, THE ROAD SIGNS READ AS FOLLOWS. | I | | | ___________ | I | | NOW | | | |APPROACHING| | I | | INFINITY | | | ----------- | I | | | | | | I | | | Message # 225. Date: 08/29/89. Time: 14:39:12. Read 99 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : All Subj : Picture! RECEIVED PERMIFIED _______________________________________ __-- / ____________________ /--__ / / - / /\ / --__ / __/ / / / / / --__ /_-- / - / / / / --__ \_/ /___________________/ / / / ____--=- / - /____________________\/ / ____---- __-- __/____________________________________/____---- __-- __-- | _ _ _ _ | __-- / _| (_) (_) (_) (_) | __-- / __-- -) FTAS (- | __-- /_-- _______________________________|-- \___________/ Excuse me, everyone... My ride is here... !!! GAVISCON !!! P.S. I JUST FOUND THIS MESSAGES THAT WAS -=@ Margin Master @=- ACCIDENTALLY LEFT PRIVATE. C- - - MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/01/93 AT 08:17:22 Comments : BRAVO!=100 Message # 229. Date: 08/07/93. Time: 22:59:25. Read 111 Times. From : YellowBeard To : all Subj : New Crew member PERMIFIED It was a dark and stormy night... No, no, wait. That's been done... It was a warm August afternoon, and the Tavern was filled with the buzz of conversation. Suddenly, and without warning there is a loud CRASH as a figure comes through the large front window of the Tavern. The figure sails through the air on the end of a long rope while people and other animate beings are diving for cover whereever they can find it. As he makes the swooping arc through the once peaceful room the unmistakable voice of YellowBeard can be heard saying... Ahoy! It's a BOY!!!! As he reaches the end of his rope he lets go attempting to make a swash-buckling type landing, Yellowbeard lands instead on the player piano, and with another loud CRASH-SPROING (in A-minor no less) goes right through the top of it. All that can be seen of him is an arm sticking through the top clenching a fistfull of freshly smuggled Cuban cigars, and a card which reads: NAME: Matthew Cory Tetrick BORN: 8-7-93 TIME: 6:09am WIEGHT: 8 lbs, 10 oz. LENGTH: 21 1/4 in. HEAD: 14 1/2 In. CHEST: 13 1/2 in. With a voice as gleefull as a pirate can make it Yellowbeard says from inside the piano "Arr ye landlubbers! Haves a drink on me, an' do it quick b'for I'ze changes me mind!!" YellowPappa 8) P.S. -- I'll haves a Rum, an' makes it a double! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/03/93 AT 03:31:46 Comments : BRAVO!=101 Message # 234. Date: 08/08/93. Time: 08:32:34. Read 100 Times. From : Number Two To : The Music Man Subj : Femmes RECEIVED PERMIFIED Barney says "I love you" "Won't you say you love me too?" Barney Theme Song: (Sing to the tune of Yankee Doodle) Barney is a Dinosaur from our imagination And when he's TALL he's what we call a dinosaur sensation. BARNEY's friends are big and small; they come from lot's of places. After school they meet to play and sing with happy faces. BARNEY shows us lots of things like how to play pretend, A-B-C's and ONE, TWO, THREES and how to be a friend. BARNEY comes to play with us whenever we may need him. Barney can be YOUR friend too if you just make believe him! Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/03/93 AT 03:32:39 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Number Two ON 09/04/93 AT 00:03:26 Comments : BOG ME=100 Message # 235. Date: 08/31/93. Time: 12:20:36. Read 71 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Gravebuster Subj : Suggestion #17 On Your Todo List RECEIVED PERMIFIED NONONONO. HOW ABOUT "NETWORK THE BBS WITH THE TV SATELLITE SYSTEM SO THAT IT IS AVAILABLE ON CHANNEL 42 ON EVERBODIES TV SET." C- - - MOVED FROM "CO-SYSOP'S BOARD" BY Gravebuster ON 09/05/93 AT 01:21:42 Comments : HAHAHA=100 PROMOTE ME=100 Message # 236. Date: 08/10/93. Time: 03:14:53. Read 89 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : IFNI Subj : Chat RECEIVED PERMIFIED Oh... What? You don't gnow? The transformation is really easy. I'm surprised that no one's told you yet: All you have to do is pull your lower lip over your nose and breath the air out of your mouth through your nostrils for seven minutes, thirty five seconds, and two hours. During this time, you should, of course, be crossing your eyes and standing on your head. You should also be upside down during this process. Now some people confuse the phrase, "standing on your head" to mean being upside down, but I naturally meant "standing on your head" in the most literal sense. Now, I hope you have some PVP pipe, because you're going to also have to play some music during this time. It's a very simple piece, really: a simultaneous rendition of Liszt's Trancendental Etude in F minor and the harpsichord solo in the first movement of Bach's Brandenburg Concer- to #5. You get bonus points, of course, if you include the violins, but only the harpsichord solo is needed. I told you that the transformation is really easy! There are a few more steps, though. The second part of the transforma- tion involves simply reconstructing each detail of the eighth year of the life of any female French peasant farmer who lived anytime in the 14th cen- tury whose existance is currently ungnown to history, using only a compass and the small perturbations that the peasant farmer left in the Earth's mag- netic field. The third part of the transformation involves reading a short "Obfuscate's chant" outloud while peeling rocks. For your convenience, the chant comes in a forty two volume set with the parts that you have to say ventriloquently in bold face. We realize that not all interested parties have the same social background, so copies of the chant are available in three different languages: Demotic, Coptic, and Ancient Icelandic. Drop by your local Endothermic Theraspid wholesaler to pick up a copy. You can pay with either Swedish 10-daler copper plate 1644 coins or with ancient Turkish electrum staters. The fourth part of the transformation--and I gnow that you are thinking it's been way too simple so far--is even easier. All you have to do is swim to the moon. That's all. You don't even have to do it with any particular stroke. You can butterfly, elementary back stroke, doggie paddle, or sidestroke your way there. And you don't have to do anything else at the same time. The only conditions are that you arrive on a Friday (Yukon Time Zone, of course) and that you arrive on the dark side. The fifth part of the transformation is getting back to Earth by collecting fractional bits of other people's frequent flyer miles. The sixth part is that you must create a fanatic cult with not less than seven hundred followers. We offer a lot of leeway in this portion: the cult can worship any sort of deep sea mollusk, use any kind of styrofoam monument for its meetings (so long as it is at least one hundred and eighteen cubits tall), and require forsaking any one of the four forces of nature for membership. You must build the cult's mem- bership to a frothing suicidal frenzy within eight weeks of formation, then say, "Just Kidding!" and walk away with a cheery smile, whistling "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" from 'The Life of Brian'. Finally, you get a choice for the seventh and last step. You can either constuct a working fusion engine out of crazy glue, a box of cinnimon-flavoured toothpicks, two LEGO(tm) Expert-Builder's sets, and seventeen tons of Play-Doh(tm); or you can make farting noises with your armpits. Naturally, most people pick the former action since they think is kinda icky to make farting noises with their armpits. And that's all there is to it. So one day when you wake up an Obfuscate and you'll gnow how you managed the transformation. !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -Transformation: The wacky proctor's game. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/05/93 AT 01:31:59 Comments : HAHAHA=42 OBFUSCATED=142 BRAVO!=100 Message # 237. Date: 08/13/93. Time: 23:29:18. Read 88 Times. From : Number Two To : Gaviscon Aviscenna Subj : Chat RECEIVED PERMIFIED I was wondering about this amazing series of events that happened to me about 6-8 months ago. The part about the rocks peeling, did happen, but before anything else. I was speaking to my client, the Rock in the middle of the road, and a small group of it's friends about this and that; just shoting the breeze really, when all of a sudden two of it's rfiends just stood up and peeled. It was astounding, and I was agape with confusing emotions. My client seemed equally as shocked, and it was then that I figured that this was no standard custom for rocks (later, my mother told me that I should have already known that. "Have you ever seen a peeled rock?",she said). I made up a quick explanation for excusing myself and walked the 5 blocks back to my house. Once there, I took a nice hot bath, and let the horror so of the day soak into the ultramarine.... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/05/93 AT 01:38:11 Comments : BRAVO!=100 Message # 238. Date: 08/15/93. Time: 19:38:45. Read 82 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : The Music Man Subj : New Crew member RECEIVED PERMIFIED And always on the very next day! !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! I posted a one-liner! Somebody plug me! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/05/93 AT 15:47:10 Comments : BRAVO!=100 Message # 239. Date: 08/17/93. Time: 19:47:15. Read 83 Times. From : Number Two To : HACK MAN Subj : AND OTHER HOOVED ANIMALS RECEIVED PERMIFIED One of my bestest friends had a small pet llama. She kept it in the Pink Barbie lunch pail that she used as her purse. It seemed happy enough and would never spit at anyone who didn't seem to deserve it. She petted it until it purred (more proof towards Jehan's theory), and di all manner of llamaish things to really make it feel at home. Alas, one day when she went to fetch to keep her company at a popular now- defunct coffee house, it had disappeared, perhaps even run away. She was saddened, but after a bit of conversation, and a bit more meditation we think that she learned a valuable lesson in the psychology of the single llama. Namely, that they are wanderers,and cannot spend too much time in one place, no matter how well they are treated, or loved. Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/05/93 AT 15:54:46 Comments : HAHAHA=100 BRAVO!=100 Message # 240. Date: 09/06/93. Time: 08:30:22. Read 70 Times. From : SKURKEY To : Blahers. Subj : Hall of Blah I just realized that I don't have any posts in the Hall of Blah.... maybe what I say isn't all that memorable....... BLAH MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 09/06/93 AT 12:31:27 Comments : HAHAHA=100 PROMOTE ME=1 #240. Message # 241. Date: 08/28/93. Time: 11:54:15. Read 77 Times. From : Stranger To : BOg INhabitants Subj : Ranging thru Time PERMIFIED R E S I S T A N C E I S F U T I L E F U T I L I T Y I S R E S I S T A N T It's all one B I G T H I N G. Stranger ><-ile MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 09/06/93 AT 12:37:59 Comments : WAY!=1 Message # 242. Date: 11/17/90. Time: 21:08:23. Read 84 Times. From : Ubik To : ALL Subj : New User RECEIVED PERMIFIED Greetings I've been peeking around for a few days, and I must say this is a truly fine place you have here. You can almost smell the Pine Sol and a high degree of obfuscation is clearly present.(?) So...do you folks take in refugees? You wouldn't believe where I've been. I think it was the barren waste of luddite lumpens. The people I spend my days with never read anything except the sports page. They think cold fusion is what happens to leftover oatmeal. Actually, I'm bored to death and have no one to talk to. I'm a quiet, peaceful, discordian (Hail Eris!) anarchist, or at least I used to be an anarchist. After the last election I decided that people are too dumb to rule themselves and so I'm considering campaigning for the Emperor George Totalitarian Party (coming out soon in a war near you). So anyway...I'm happy to be here, proud to be an American, God bless the flag, and where is that free margarita? UBIK MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/06/93 AT 20:26:48 Comments : BRAVO!=100 Message # 243. Date: 11/19/90. Time: 22:26:54. Read 83 Times. From : John To : All Subj : Line noise RECEIVED PERMIFIED I would like to put forward the proposition that line noise is an intelligent life form. I offer the following: In spite of all our efforts, and thousands (well, several....) dollars worth of the best equipment, it takes control of our communications from time to time. Occasionally it even posts, or logs us off. I submit that this meets many of the criteria for bbs users; thus line noise as an entity may be..... alive. Pehaps we might form a study group to discuss this, and determine what methods we may undertake to communicate with the line noise, and form a policy as to what we will do if we achieve communication..... it would be interesting to have a tame line noise, or at least a working agreement with one. I have determined independently thus far that line noise seems to favor GTE, for some reason. Also, it likes external modems. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 09/06/93 AT 20:28:33 Comments : HAHAHA=101 RASPBERRYS=1 Message # 244. Date: 04/30/90. Time: 12:47:00. Read 73 Times. From : Racer X To : Siegfried Volsung Subj : what is it RECEIVED PERMIFIED Sounds like a nice bookstore. The chain bookstores really suck. Nothing that might offend is offered. It's the McDonald's of opinions, with no appeal to anyone but the masses (the bungled and botched, as Nietzsche would say). You can't even request anything, since they have to bulk order (I have been tempted to seriously request quantity and say that I plan to distribute "alternative" books at a B. Dalton.) I'll think about it when I have some money to spend on books. I was just joking about worrying. I'm sure you and Jason wouldn't be violent unless it's called for anyway. I would have to brush up on a few things, so we could have an intelligent talk along the way. I'll leave mail sometime in the next few weeks about it. Racer X MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 09/07/93 AT 02:12:24 Comments : BLOWS!=1 Message # 245. Date: 05/16/90. Time: 02:36:56. Read 81 Times. From : Unka Buck To : Subj : Shh... RECEIVED PERMIFIED Hey, is some one shouting in the library? Not so loud. -Unka Buck- -Librarian- MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 09/07/93 AT 02:19:10 Comments : BLOWS!=1 Message # 246. Date: 07/21/90. Time: 02:43:21. Read 93 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : ODE TO A SPATULA PERMIFIED SPATULA CITY! SPATULA CITY! DELIVER ME UNTO SPATULA PARADISE I HAVE A NIFTY AWESOME SPATULA I THINK IT'S RADICALLY NICE. I'M INFATUA WITH MY LOVELY SPATULA SPATULICITY! SPATULICITY! SPATUFATUATION SPATULA'S ARE THE RAGE. YES IT IS NOW THE SPATULA NATION. SO BY NOW YOU CAN SEE SPATULAS ARE FOR ME. MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 09/07/93 AT 02:21:26 Comments : HAHAHA=101 Message # 247. Date: 08/30/93. Time: 15:58:06. Read 89 Times. From : Grazz't To : Stranger Subj : B L A H RECEIVED PERMIFIED print is dead MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 08/31/93 AT 01:25:26 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY The Music Man ON 09/06/93 AT 12:53:31 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY HACK MAN ON 09/07/93 AT 08:32:26 Comments : BOG ME=100 PROMOTE ME=42 Message # 248. Date: 10/22/91. Time: 01:20:14. Read 87 Times. From : Racer X To : ALL Subj : Obfuscate-To-Be PERMIFIED I hereby propose that Ender G/Gizmo/Ender/whatever handle he's going by be given full and complete Obfuscate status. Racer >< MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 09/07/93 AT 12:55:28 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=117 BLOWS!=100 BRAVO!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 249. Date: 10/12/91. Time: 20:55:38. Read 93 Times. From : Gizmo To : All Obfuscates Subj : whoa is me PERMIFIED I hereby renounce Obfuscation. Xenogenesis MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 09/07/93 AT 13:00:52 Comments : RASPBERRYS=17 BLOWS!=1 GROAN.=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 250. Date: 10/21/90. Time: 03:15:56. Read 71 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Ender Subj : bart RECEIVED PERMIFIED THANK YOU FOR THE NOTICE BUT I'LL HAVE TO CANCEL MY ORDER I HAD A PENGUIN INSTEAD. C- - - MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 09/07/93 AT 13:05:19 Comments : BRAVO!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 BOG ME=1 #250. Message # 251. Date: 08/15/89. Time: 15:51:18. Read 91 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : The hound of the Far Side Subj : Gnee-Oh Obfuscates? PERMIFIED Every once in a while, I tend to get a kind of urge in my blood, telling me that it just happens to be the correct time to write a new, and inter- resting margin. This is, by one of those strange yet true (and a bit of unique) coincid- ences, a margin just like that! I'm trying to get a bit more weird things done before I leave for school and I gnow that a few people here might be wondering why I call myself the Margin Master in the first place, so I thought I would post a few, to see what happens. I am not really sure if I like this one. It's kind of hard to determine exactly what it is, huh? Ah well, I AM o ut of practice. Perhaps tomarrow I'll get better inspired? Anyway, I thanks for bearing with me through this. I gnow it is terrible, but I will save it, anyway. After all, it'll help my average message ratio. Until then, hasta pasta, everyone. (That means, of course, "Until lasanga") You don't have to like this margin if you don't want to. Obfuscate!!! !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -= OBFUSCATE /EXtrodinaire =- MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 09/07/93 AT 13:20:07 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 252. Date: 05/05/89. Time: 03:58:46. Read 81 Times. From : MISSION IMPOSSIBLE To : ALL USERS Subj : VAGINAL FLATCHULATION PERMIFIED PUSSY FARTS ! MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 09/07/93 AT 13:24:09 Comments : BLOWS!=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 253. Date: 03/13/89. Time: 17:17:26. Read 90 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : Infocommies Subj : Ever wonder what a Zorkmid looked like? PERMIFIED Brought to you straight from the esteemed: |||||||||||||| || __ __ || || $$ $$ || \|| >> ||/ || ______ || | -//--- | \\_//_____// ___//| | /__// | | | | __________// \\__________ / $ / **** \ $ \ / / ** \ \ / /| ** |\ \ / / | ** | \ \ / / | ** | \ \ ^ ^__|______$Z$**$Z$______|___^ ^ \ * $Z$**$Z$ * / \________*___$Z$**$Z$___*________/ | $Z$**$Z$ | J. PIERPONT FLATHEAD CHAIRMAN _________________________________________________________________ | 1 0 0 GREAT UNDERGROUND EMPIRE 1 0 0 | | 1 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 | | 1 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 | | 1 0 0 DIMWIT 1 0 0 | | |||||||||||||||| | | || __ __ || B30332744D | | || -OO OO- || | | IN FROBS \|| >> ||/ WE TRUST | | || ______ || | | B30332744D | ------ | | | \\________// | | 1 0 0 Series FLATHEAD LD Flathead 1 0 0 | | 1 0 0 0 0 719GUE Treasurer 1 0 0 0 0 | | 1 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 | | 1 0 0 One Hundred Royal Zorkmids 1 0 0 | |_______________________________________________________________| (This is official. Don't print it out, however, or you may be charged with counterfitting. I believe the Flatheads have set the penalty for counter- fitting at death by Grues.) !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -Trapped on Terra -)Future Traveller's Aid Society(- -Tomarrow... Stamps! MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 09/07/93 AT 13:28:35 Comments : BRAVO!=100 Message # 254. Date: 12/27/88. Time: 23:40:29. Read 80 Times. From : JOE BLOW To : ALL Subj : LIFE PERMIFIED I LIVE, THEREFORE I AM. JOE BLOW MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 09/07/93 AT 13:36:30 Comments : BOG ME=1 Message # 256. Date: 10/24/91. Time: 14:10:48. Read 83 Times. From : Racer X To : Gravebuster Subj : Proposals RECEIVED PERMIFIED I seem to be the only one that sees the problems or potential problems with the situation. Most of you seem to be of the opinion that one user has already been turned off of Obfuscates because of this. What makes you think there won't be more? What makes you think that the Xenononsense crowd won't make allegations against us somewhere that our side won't be heard? This whole thing could blow up in our faces. You may be missing my point. If Gizmo is offered Obfuscate status and accepts it, Xenogenesis will be divided and even easier to attack. If they continue to try to wreck the Obfuscates all the evidence will show that we tried to be open and tolerant. If he is offered Obfuscate status and rejects it, it won't matter. Xenogenesis will be wrecked soon enough anyway and it'll still look like we did our best to be open and tolerant. If we don't offer him Obfuscate status we lose all those PR points as well as a great opportunity to destroy Xenogenesis and, more importantly, OBFUSCATE. It has been said that the best way to be an Obfuscate is to not try so hard. Well, he quit trying what more reason do we need? Of course he'll give away the Obfuscatronix! That's the beauty of it. As far as I can tell the only way to lose Obfuscate access is to give away the secrets of Obfuscation. He'll give away the Obfuscatronix and as soon as someone uses them we can blame him (we won't even need proof because he's done it before) and change the system. If for some bizarre reason he doesn't give them away, no loss there. Everyone else seemed intent on making him an Obfuscate before. We could use another couple of Obfuscates anyway. If he gives them away and no one uses them we won't even gnow, so there's no loss there either. The whole issue could be avoided by not really giving him the 'real' Obfuscatronix, but something that would only work for him and non-Obfuscates. A routine could even be put in that automatically strips his access if a non- Obfuscate uses the 'Obfuscatronix'. Then the whole thing could be taken out and someone will end up looking like a fool and it won't be you or me. However, to answer HACK MAN's question, I think it will work because he really can't accept the offer without looking like a fool. He could do it and say that he'll get Xenogenesis the codes but if that's been covered in advance... I've rambled on long enough, but there's more to be said about this. I think this would be great fun if the proper precautions are taken. Racer >< MOVED FROM "THE TEMPLE OF DILLUSION" BY HACK MAN ON 09/08/93 AT 14:46:46 Comments : BLOWS!=1 ARGH!=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 257. Date: 12/08/91. Time: 02:09:44. Read 78 Times. From : Racer X To : aLL Subj : Ack! PERMIFIED By the way, I resign as an Obfuscate too. Gizmo for Obfuscate! Racer >< -Tick ... tick ... MOVED FROM "THE TEMPLE OF DILLUSION" BY HACK MAN ON 09/08/93 AT 14:52:30 Comments : WHO CARES=100 BRAVO!=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 258. Date: 12/30/91. Time: 04:29:14. Read 76 Times. From : Racer X To : Lord Cirdan Subj : Howdy, who ate all the chocolate? RECEIVED PERMIFIED Will YOU accept my resignation? I'm not a Xenodip and don't intend to be one. I just don't want to be an Obfuscate and no one else is willing to accept that. Thank you and have a nice day. Racer >< MOVED FROM "THE TEMPLE OF DILLUSION" BY HACK MAN ON 09/08/93 AT 14:53:35 Comments : BLOWS!=1 GIVE ME A BREAK!=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 259. Date: 07/14/91. Time: 12:58:39. Read 98 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Gravebuster Subj : Communion Duck RECEIVED HEY, PASS THE COMMUNION DUCK! C- - - P.S. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO ROAST A DUCK? The government owns 34 percent of all the land in America. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 09/09/93 AT 23:12:17 Comments : ZZZZZZZ=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 260. Date: 07/18/91. Time: 13:09:05. Read 113 Times. From : Ice Devil To : ICE DEVIL! Subj : WELL! RECEIVED PERMIFIED IT'S VERY SIMPLE! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS INFLICT SOME SORT OF PAIN OR HARDSHIP ON: The Shadow Kinf (aka MOJO) MAIM HIM, MAUL HIM, BEAT HIM, PUT SAND IN HIS SHEETS, PUT BEN-GAY IN HIS UNDERWEAR, CUASE PAIN UNTO HIM, CUASE UNREPAIRABLE NUERAL DAMAGE TO HIM, SEXUALLY TORMENT HIM (Wow, realll tough), CAUSE MENTAL CRUELTY! THERE ARE 1001 WAYS TO MAIM MOJO! Contestants will be judged on these criteria: ORIGINALITY MAXIMUM DAMAGE INFLICTED INGENUITY MAXIMUM MENTAL STRESS INFLICTED EFFICIENCY MAXIMUM PAIN INFLICTED AS WELL AS ANY OTHER CRITERIA THE PANAL OF JUDGES CAN THINK OF!!! MANY WAYS TO PLAY! EVEN MORE WAYS TO WIN!!!! SEE The I.C.E. Palace for COMPLETE Rules and Regulations! SO! START BEATING MOJO TODAY! AND MAYBE YOU WILL BE: MOJO MAIMER ELITE! (relatives to the shadow king inelligable. see rules and regulations for complete methods of playing and odds of winning.) MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 09/09/93 AT 23:13:18 Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 WHO CARES=100 BOG ME=100 PROMOTE ME=101 #260. Message # 261. Date: 09/07/93. Time: 02:02:54. Read 76 Times. From : Stranger To : Worshippers of Selene Subj : The Moon PERMIFIED look at you moon yellow shining silver down on me draw you down on me love nothing up there you are I worship your fair countenance dance in your rays fade with your phases dance in your shadows setting waning stars influence shall we waltz? no I think not we shall fuck you and I moon baying at you up at you shall I draw you down now . . . ? fateful orb yellow shining silver setting on salty seas and oh, I miss you moon. but oh, you're waxing now nevermind . . . full. Stranger ><-ile MOVED FROM "The Demented Herbarium" BY IFNI ON 09/12/93 AT 13:42:13 Comments : HUH?=1 Message # 262. Date: 09/15/93. Time: 15:38:29. Read 61 Times. From : Ghost To : Stranger Subj : uh RECEIVED PERMIFIED He mint to do better than that, but after the run-in with the Legumbre Bros.: Art and Gus, all ambition left him. While Artichoked him, Aspearagus nearly ran him through. Shaken, he felt a retreat was in order, and decided to rest on his laurels. MOVED FROM "The Demented Herbarium" BY IFNI ON 09/15/93 AT 18:43:41 Comments : HAHAHA=1 GROAN.=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 263. Date: 02/04/92. Time: 16:13:14. Read 436 Times. From : Number Two To : Hink Mynx Subj : Ha ha RECEIVED PERMIFIED R e s i s t a n c e i s F u t i l e ! ! (just a reminder) MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Number Two ON 02/04/92 AT 16:15:11 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY HACK MAN ON 02/04/92 AT 21:21:18 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Number Two ON 02/05/92 AT 02:12:19 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY HACK MAN ON 02/06/92 AT 23:33:59 MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY Mynk Lynx ON 02/07/92 AT 21:48:39 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Mynk Lynx ON 02/07/92 AT 21:59:15 MOVED FROM "EMAIL" BY Hink Mynx ON 02/07/92 AT 22:01:11 MOVED FROM "SEX" BY SKURKEY ON 02/07/92 AT 22:31:20 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY HACK MAN ON 02/16/92 AT 13:56:02 MOVED FROM "STORY BOARD" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 02/18/92 AT 20:36:33 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY HACK MAN ON 02/21/92 AT 18:58:18 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 02/23/92 AT 02:30:06 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY HACK MAN ON 02/24/92 AT 00:23:06 MOVED FROM "STORY BOARD" BY Gravebuster ON 02/24/92 AT 04:39:43 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Number Two ON 02/24/92 AT 12:03:47 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 02/27/92 AT 12:36:00 MOVED FROM "HACKER'S ZONE" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 03/03/92 AT 00:32:15 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Number two ON 03/11/92 AT 17:06:27 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY HACK MAN ON 03/16/92 AT 21:43:05 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 03/17/92 AT 12:51:40 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Cleric Ilsaram ON 12/26/92 AT 01:52:08 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY HACK MAN ON 01/04/93 AT 22:45:45 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 06/07/93 AT 14:17:17 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Gravebuster ON 06/15/93 AT 23:56:43 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Number Two ON 06/22/93 AT 23:01:51 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Gravebuster ON 07/08/93 AT 22:02:04 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 08/06/93 AT 00:26:45 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Gravebuster ON 08/11/93 AT 17:33:36 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 08/13/93 AT 17:58:19 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Gravebuster ON 08/14/93 AT 07:48:21 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 09/08/93 AT 21:06:03 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 09/17/93 AT 14:10:21 Comments : WAY!=34 NO WAY!=14 HAHAHA=112 RASPBERRYS=100 BLOWS!=135 OBFUSCATED=2 HUH?=65002 DOINK=43 WHO CARES=11 BRAVO!=69 ZZZZZZZ=1 GROAN.=1 GIVE ME A BREAK!=1 OH MY GOD!=1 BOG ME=38529 PROMOTE ME=38528 Message # 264. Date: 08/30/93. Time: 15:58:06. Read 107 Times. From : Grazz't To : Stranger Subj : B L A H RECEIVED PERMIFIED print is dead MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 08/31/93 AT 01:25:26 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY The Music Man ON 09/06/93 AT 12:53:31 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 09/17/93 AT 14:11:49 Comments : BOG ME=100 Message # 265. Date: 06/24/91. Time: 13:06:38. Read 88 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : Those without weak hearts Subj : The more incredably spectacular, terminally stupendous ANSI display ever seen! .......... .... ... I suggest you sit down for this... / / / / / / / / / / / \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ / / / / / / / / / / Here it comes!* * * * * Get ready!!! Uh oh. Sorry.I forgot what I was going to do.Oh well... !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY HACK MAN ON 09/20/93 AT 10:09:13 Comments : HAHAHA=143 RASPBERRYS=1 BRAVO!=100 OH MY GOD!=1 Message # 266. Date: 02/23/91. Time: 00:38:53. Read 91 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : WARTIME MOBILIZATION PERMIFIED WELL IN LIGHT OF LATEST MATTERS I'VE DECIDED TO DECLARE MARTIAL LAW HERE AT HACK'S RETREAT, AND UNDER THE OBFUSCATE WAR POWERS ACT I'VE DECIDED TO MAKE NEW APPOINTMENTS IN AN EFFORT TO BOLSTER THE SAGGING MORALE. I HEREBY PROMOTE UNKA BUCK TO THE RANK OF OBFUSCATE AND ASSIGN HIM TO THE POST OF PROPOGANDA QUALITY CONTROL. I ALSO HEREBY PROMOTE GRAVEBUSTER TO OBFUSCATE AND ASSIGN TO HIM THE DUTIES OF CHAIRMAN OF THE FOOLISH PREDICTIONS DEPARTMENT. C- - - MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY HACK MAN ON 09/20/93 AT 10:22:04 Comments : HAHAHA=100 Message # 269. Date: 09/20/93. Time: 11:41:40. Read 79 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : BLAH PERMIFIED BLAH! C- - - MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 09/20/93 AT 11:42:01 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY HACK MAN ON 09/20/93 AT 11:45:16 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 09/20/93 AT 22:45:55 MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY The Music Man ON 09/20/93 AT 22:49:57 Message # 271. Date: 09/20/93. Time: 22:37:14. Read 71 Times. From : HACK MAN To : The Music Man Subj : DO me a favor, please? RECEIVED IF YOU FART AFTER YOU'RE DEAD LIKE IN THE MORGUE MAYBE AND THERE'S NO LIVE NOSES AROUND TO RECIEVE THE STENCH, DOES IT STILL SMELL? C- - - MOVED FROM "SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY" BY The Music Man ON 09/21/93 AT 17:03:21 Message # 272. Date: 11/27/91. Time: 21:26:02. Read 82 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : The Time Has Come To Talk Of Many Things PERMIFIED I stalked the orbital bathtub as it swirled through the blackness of the universe. I stealthily prowled its gleaming white porcelain until it briefly paused to add some more hot water, and then I attacked it with my rubber duckie. I squawked it again and again and again until its four legs ran in different directions and its drain plug searched for another whole. I dove inot the crystal blue water and rode the swirl down the vastness of the drain. And I was drained. Enervated. Tired. Not Michelin. And I fell asleep in a gigantic pillow of feathery softness, sweet softness, rolling and flowing softness that would rival Downey detergent any day. But not this day, because it was night. And it's nighty-night. And I fell deeply asleep, and dreamt I was at Ubik's house, watching Star Trek: The Next Generation on Jimi Hendrix's birthday with Mynk Lynx and Hack Man. I woke up from that nightmare, and danced with a lamppost into the swirling dervish of a timeless hour. +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 16:40:53 Message # 273. Date: 05/03/92. Time: 22:44:30. Read 77 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : And How Do You Spell Relief? PERMIFIED TUM-TUM-TUM-TUM! I couldn't resist as I goosestepped through the Tum-Tum trees, so I picked up a lonely vorpal blade, and with a swish and a slash and a perry and a feint I cut the air into thin air into which I disappeared... ...and then I reappeared (aren't you disappointed?) at a billabong under the shade of a coolibah tree. I don't gnow why they call them coolibah trees, because if you asked me, and I gnow you're not going to ask me so by telling you what I would say if you asked me is tantamount to forcing my viewpoint down your throat, but isn't that the point of posts anyways, I would say that those trees are eucalyptus. Anyways, a swagman, who looks awfully like a squatter, came around with a big pot and a dead billy, built a fire and began to boil the billy. It was during this very uninteresting episode that I notice some crazy songwriter hidden behind the bushes, writing down some lyrics, and disappearing into the tules. Now, I may disappear into thin air, but I don't disappear into tules, because, besides many other reasons, they're absolutely tules-like. So I just saundered over to the Tavern. Or what was left of the Tavern. The door was still there. Everything else was burned down. In the middle of it was a broken coke bottle that appeared to have contained one Molotov cocktail. I began to wonder how the riots in Los Angeles spilled over into HACK MAN's domain, when a weeping Falco came over to me and cried... "I told him no smoking allowed in the bar (sniff, sniff, sniff) and he just wouldn't listen (sniff, sniff, sniff) and now look!" he sputtered as he picked up part of the coke bottle, "he ruined my Molotov cocktail!" Falco then dropped the bottle, fell to the ground, bawled as loud as a banshee and pounded the ground with all four limbs. I simple slipped into a dimension with a substance that magnetically attracts recently oxidized materials, gathered all the ashes, slipped into a dimension where all the elves that rebelled at Santa's slavish workloads and lack of creativity go and allowed them to reassemble the Tavern (they love working with molecules), slipped into another dimension where a person can lift several 100,000 pounds yet can't lift a feather (I haven't figured how that one works, but I think it's a counterbalance dimension), lifted Falco from the base dimension, slipped him into the completed Tavern, then lifted the Tavern from the elves dimension and set it back into the base dimension. Considering the vastly different rates that time passes through these various dimensions, all that activity took just a couple of seconds in the base dimension! Falco stopped crying as he realized he was hitting a varnished, wooden floor. He looked up to see the recreated Tavern. He smiled, then puzzled. "Who fixed the piano?" The elves got carried away. Oh well. Still being in that weird dimension, I picked up a boulder, smashed the piano in the base dimension, tossed the boulder and let loose with a blood-curdling laugh. Falco quickly fixed himself an uncurdle-agulant concoction as I hurdled over a hitching post into a hazy haze. +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 16:41:23 Message # 274. Date: 01/16/93. Time: 07:25:02. Read 73 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : Does Anyone Have Anything Anywhere Anyhow PERMIFIED It was a curious sight to be in a dimension where I didn't respond to anything that anyone has said before, because there wasn't anyone there who had anything to say anytime before, and in fact there wasn't anyone there but no one who had nothing to say to nobody and in fact the fact is that factually facts are facts unless they're fiction. And the factual fiction inflicted the fractals until the head swimmed and the omnipotent misspelled... The swimming ship's toilet looked promising, but when I examined it further, I found that it did not promise at all. But the porcelain and steel stole a port and a lane which did not prepare the head at all for its encounter with unchained ellipses that did not dangle. Pumiced and perturbed, the privy poked around for promiscuous participles amidst the darkled "blah"s and a singular "hurrah" that gave way to a "pththtpthtpht" which appreciates chromatic posting... I deluded and deranged until I decided to deliver a delicate debutante derisively to a dealer who flinged me through a misty, forgotten past of weirdness into a realm of BBS users who milled about, carrying jars of viruses, spilling the contents on one computer and then another, attempting to sabotage and crash the BBS systems of the world, while other BBS users ingratiated themselves with gratuitous postings while ingratiously ingnoring the posters they admire. As a BBS crashed, a user who had more vowels than should rightfully coexist in a single word guillotined the sysop, and the virus vibrated vivaciously through the vital vines of victory. I pondered and plundered and wandered and wondered until I laundered and thundered into an open meadow with a "closed" sign... +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 16:41:52 Message # 275. Date: 02/07/93. Time: 11:41:57. Read 79 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : Closest To The Closed-Ness Of The Clothes Mess PERMIFIED The washing machine laundered and thundered and bounced me into the meadow with a "closed" sign, which it mistook for a "clothes" sign, but that's okay, since the medium was written and washing machines don't understand writing anyways. The washer jostled me and jiggled me and jumbled me and jangled me while I adjusted to the juxtaposition of inanity with insanity. I began to ponder the question of why indeed this meadow is "closed". As I ponder this significant universal question, a user with more vowels in his short name than should be allowed appeared on the scene, attempt to rectify the situation of the meadow being "closed." However, before he did his dutiful deed to reopen the meadow to more maniacal mischief, he was distracted by a patriot who wore his creed on his sleeve, and they began to argue over the merit of bovine consumption over porcine consumption. The debate was short, all was forgotten, so I remembered all and all was quite happy to have at least one user who remembered all. I hesitated. And all at once, an anonymous Englishman wearing a button with a penny- farthing attached to his turtleneck sweater tumbled into the unreal reality and soon become ensnared in amber bonds of delicious fragrance. He then began to misspell all of his words with radical effervescence and effervescent radicalism, until all the radicals effervescently radiated and effervesced into a chorus decrying the death and hailing the life of a Bob McAllister Wonderama character. I pondered if I should resurrect John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, and then realized that a pond was no place to have such thoughts. I expired, exploded, exported and explicated until I was sure that all things were beyond mentioning. So I drove to Mentioning and then ventured beyond its borders... +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 16:42:19 Message # 276. Date: 06/03/91. Time: 23:02:51. Read 81 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : AN ANNOUNCEMENT PERMIFIED HERE-YE HERE-YE, LET IT BE GNOW THAT A NEW OBFUSCATE HAS BEEN ADMITTED INTO OUR MIDST. BY UNANIMOUS CONSENT OF THE REGULAR OBFUSCATE CALLERS UBIK HAS BEEN NOMINATED FOR OBFUSCATE STAUS. AT A MEETING THIS SUNDAY THE SUBJECT WAS DISCUSSED. THE OFFICIAL VOTE IS AS FOLLOWS. UNKA BUCK "YES" LYNX "YES" GRAVE BUSTER "YES" HACK MAN "YES" TASSLEHOFF BURFOOT "OK" GAVISCON "VFJ" THOSE NOT VOTING PEGGY YELLOWBEARD RACER X THIS IS A CLEAR MAJORITY, SO I AM HAPPY TO WELCOME UBIK INTO THE FOLD. C- - - P.S. IT WAS ALSO DECIDED BY UNANIMOUS ACCLIMATION TO ADMIT UBIK IN AN OBFUSCATED WAY. THEREFORE HE HAS NOT BEEN NOTIFIED OF HIS NEW DECORATION. HE WAS SPONTANEOUSLY UPGRADED TO OBFUSCATE STATUS MONDAY MORNING AT 3AM, AND HE HAS ALREADY CALLED ONCE AND NOT NOTICED. P.P.S. HEHEHE. MOVED FROM "THE TEMPLE OF DILLUSION" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 16:54:51 Comments : OBFUSCATED=100 Message # 277. Date: 09/16/89. Time: 23:13:00. Read 84 Times. From : Lord Cirdan To : The New Obfuscates! Subj : Greetings! PERMIFIED Hail, and well met. I'd like to greet all the new obfuscates, and may you all find a probiscus underlying the corporation. But that's not the point. And neither is that. Being the most senior member of the obfuscates, and founder of the name, (hah, I bet the rest of you didn't even gnow that, did you? Yup, looked it up in a thesaurus all by myself) I think that Hack's and Music Man's choices are good ones. Therefore. Lynx, Peggy, Racer X, and Yellowbeard do hereby have the infamous non- distinction of putting the --==OBFUSCATE==-- symbol beneath their name, if they so choose to do so. Please gnote the way it's supposed to be done, though, I've seen a few that weren't quite right. Anyway, there you are. Yeah, right there. HACK Gnote: Give them full access to this board, kinda silly that they can only read. Especially since there will be nothing TO read if you don't give them write access. Also, I'd like to apologize to Lynx, for our ridiculousness. We were being entirely too amoeba-like. So, maybe you were wondering who else had this dubious distinction? Well, me too, let's see if I can remember: Lex Luthor: Founder of Dillusion (absent) Lord Cirdan: Founder of the Gnome's Castle (psuedo-absent) HACK MAN: First Hackbot Obfuscate The Music Man: First Insane Obfuscate Gaviscon Aviscenna: First Dead Time-travelling Obfuscate (absent) Frammis Man: Founder of the Partisans of Parenthesis (absent) Cleric Ilsaram: First Obfuscate awarded the : for nifty stories. (absent) Pizza Man: First Pizza-related Obfuscate Tasslehoff Burfoot: Least Gnown Obfuscate Lynx: Most Tortured by his Nomination Obfuscate Peggy: First female Obfuscate Racer X: First Obfuscate to have a one letter last name. YellowBeard: First Obfuscate that was Most Gnoted for his folicles. Did I miss anyone? If so, I'm entirely sorry, and you have every right to send me all your cash....all your cash...all your cash...all your cash... all your cash...all your cash... Ok, you can wake up now. You will remember nothing but the part about the cash. L8r... :::Lord Cirdan MOVED FROM "THE TEMPLE OF DILLUSION" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 17:01:01 Message # 278. Date: 09/21/92. Time: 04:06:40. Read 88 Times. From : Mynk Lynx To : Gravebuster Subj : The Obfuscate's Book Of Something To Read RECEIVED PERMIFIED I can see with my eyes closed! I can say something without speaking! I realize that there's nothing I must do, expect maybe suck. Even cold fires burn! I have understood without comprehending and I have comprehended without understanding. Where are we going? A circle has no end, no beginning, and PI is incapable of gnowing anything let alone something that does not exist, except maybe TMM. I make apples by smashing applesauce! OK, CLEAN THE EARTH BY PAVING IT! When it rains, the water gets Earthed. One thing I desire about dill pickles is there absence. Who can read when they see letters? Only those who see letters arranged in a fashion that is worthy of reading or those who can read when nothing is meant by the letters (as many try to do and fail). Mynk Lynx --==OBFUSCATE==-- Xnyl Knym p.s. DOINK! MOVED FROM "THE TEMPLE OF DILLUSION" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 17:04:12 Message # 279. Date: 05/29/93. Time: 03:21:40. Read 76 Times. From : Mynk Lynx To : STPLYWIN Subj : In the Out For a Walk to Mars PERMIFIED Some think of you as a figment of the all-knowing one of complete and utter cow tipping fun and games being programmed for you pleasure and money I never saw until today when I got the mail goes almost everywhere in the world we live in sometimes loses control key for a modified list of commands that the general gave to the pions made in america is really not very useful at all these days keep running together again and again I try to compile this code words are so fun to throw together into piles of leaves often get buries in the snow covered mountain tops of california free state you opinion now or forever and ever be lost in space the final fronteerland is kinda boringnow that is a silly question authority to rule on this subject to change without notice that the pretty ball flew out of the park your car near the tree houses can get really messy if you forget this I'm going. Mynk Lynx --==OBFUSCATE==-- Xnyl Knym p.s. Go to the store rooms that are clean your ears work ok as long as you don't introduce me to that lovely lady bugs are a pain to programmers. MOVED FROM "THE TEMPLE OF DILLUSION" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 17:04:32 Comments : OBFUSCATED=142 Message # 280. Date: 09/09/89. Time: 03:40:45. Read 101 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : NEW OBFUSCATES PERMIFIED I'D LIKE TO WELCOME LYNX, PEGGY, RACER X, AND YELLOWBEARD INTO THE RANKS OF THE NEW OBFUSCATES FORMALLY. THESE MEMBERS HAVE BEEN SUGGESTED AND APPROVED BY THE MUSIC MAN AND MYSELF. I FEEL THAT LORD CIRDAN AND TASSLEHOFF (THE OTHER TWO REMAINING REGULARLY CALLING OBFUSCATE-DILLUSIONIST) WOULD AGREE. ALSO, IF THERE ARE ANY FURTHER NOMINATIONS LET ME GNOW. A NEW USER LEVEL OF 15000 HAS BEEN CREATED FOR OBFUSCATE DILLUSIONISTS. ALL OF THE NEW OBFUSCATES HAVE NOW BEEN REGISTERED IN THE COMPUTER AND BEEN GIVEN A 10000 ACCESS. THAT MEANS THAT THEY HAVE ACCESS TO THE SECRET VT100 CODES, AND A FEW OTHER THINGS. I ALSO CHANGED THEIR ACCESS FROM XPERT BACK TO REGULAR SO THAT THEY WOULD NOTICE THE NEW MENU OPTIONS MORE READILY. YOU CAN CHANGE IT RIGHT BACK AGAIN IF YOU WANT. ALSO THEY HAVE BEEN GIVEN READ ONLY ACCESS TO THE TEMPLE OF DILLUSION. I AM WILLING TO CHANGE THIS TO READ/WRITE ACCESS DEPENDING ON WHAT THE OTHER OBFUSCATE-DILLUSIONISTS SAY. DOINK. C- - - MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY HACK MAN ON 09/22/93 AT 17:45:07 Comments : WOW!=1 #280. Message # 281. Date: 09/27/93. Time: 15:30:47. Read 65 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Phoenix Subj : B L A H RECEIVED PERMIFIED MONEY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HAPPYNESS. THIS YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LEARN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. THE IDEA THAT MATERIAL POSESSIONS WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST FALLACIES OF AMERICAN SOCIETY. IF ANYTHING MAKES PEOPLE HAPPY IT'S OTHER PEOPLE. IF YOU HAVE A STRONG LOVING FAMILY YOU WILL BE HAPPY EVEN IF YOU LIVE ON A STEADY DIET OF MACARONI AND CHEESE. AND IF YOU ARE AN UNHAPPY PERSON YOU WILL BE UNHAPPY WETHER YOU GO TO WORK BY BUS OR LEAR JET. EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS THAT MAKE THEM UNHAPPY. THOSE PROBLEMS WILL EXPAND IN YOUR MIND TO WHATEVER SIZE YOU ALLOW THEM TO. LIKE THE RICH MAN WHO'S READY TO KILL HIMSELF BECAUSE HE CAN'T GET A SEAT ON THE BOARD, TO THE MIDDLE INCOME MAN WHO'S READY TO KILL HIMSELF BECAUSE HE CAN'T GET A JOB WITH DECENT BENEFITS, TO THE POOR MAN WHO'S READY TO KILL HIMSELF BECAUSE HE CAN'T FIND A PLACE TO SLEEP. WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT NOBODY IN THIS COUNTRY DESERVES TO BE UNHAPPY IN THE SLIGHTEST DEGREE. WE COULD BE STARVING IN DOWNTOWN SOMALIA OR BOSNIA OR BANGLADESH RIGHT NOW, YET WE STILL ARE UNHAPPY. BASICALLY IT ONLY COMES DOWN TO THIS SIMPLE BUT TRUE FACT: Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be. (Abraham Lincoln) C- - - MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 09/27/93 AT 16:06:15 Comments : WAY!=100 BRAVO!=23 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 282. Date: 09/30/93. Time: 12:36:21. Read 68 Times. From : Phoenix To : Stranger Subj : Weird Adventure RECEIVED PERMIFIED But stranger, I'm done being a Victim! I'm out looking to make victims now! Phoenix! Screaming Electron MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY The Music Man ON 10/01/93 AT 20:28:53 Comments : HAHAHA=23 BLOWS!=100 Message # 283. Date: 10/06/93. Time: 15:03:32. Read 53 Times. From : IFNI To : Jehan Subj : My very first post, all by myself RECEIVED Involûving ûwhoû? û(é]nanitûes areû supreme, eviôdently!) û ûûûIfni- MOVED FROM "The Demented Herbarium" BY IFNI ON 10/06/93 AT 15:04:06 Comments : WAY!=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 284. Date: 10/07/93. Time: 00:21:16. Read 63 Times. From : YellowBeard To : all Subj : Please, PERMIFIED Don't litter. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX" BY HACK MAN ON 10/07/93 AT 14:16:42 Message # 285. Date: 10/07/93. Time: 23:41:52. Read 68 Times. From : Ghost To : Adonis the Mouse Subj : Chat RECEIVED PERMIFIED A pigan is what a pithagorian gags on after he buys it in a polka. This is a little known religious observance held on the third Tuesday after the first freeze in the Southern southern hemisphere. Now to take part in the services you have only to show up with your own personal pigon. But formerly, a robin reb blest chose the proper polka picante pigante. This ritual is so obscure and exclusive you will only hear of it after death. And an invitation to participate is extended only after beatificatiion. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 10/08/93 AT 17:37:39 Comments : OBFUSCATED=25 Message # 286. Date: 10/06/93. Time: 22:50:08. Read 79 Times. From : Number Two To : Erisians Subj : Mukor Rules this Galaxy PERMIFIED HOW TO TELL IF YOU'VE LIVED BEFORE Ever since Shirley Maclaine told the world that she had discovered she was once raised by a Bull Elephant, raped as a nomad from Mongolia, and abducted by an Eagle and deposited with a primitive African family, the pursuit of past lives has become one of the New Age's most popular and pricey pastimes. The (t)ruth is, there's no need to spend half of your life (and disposable income) trying tofind out whether you've lived before. If you have, you have. Water under the Cosmic bridge Nonetheless, for you die-hards who simply must know before you go again (and any mildly curious skeptics), the following Pesonal Reincarnation Quiz (PRQ) has been designed to simplify the process. Answering "yes" to any of the following PRQ questions means you probably have lived before. Answering "yes" toall of them means you can be sure of it! Your Personal Reincarnation Quiz _________________________________ 1. When perusing a map, do you find yourself looking for the shortest route to India ?? 2. Whenever you see a fire, do you feel like playing a fiddle ?? 3. Do you secretly believe the Earth is flat ?? 4. Do you experience nostalgia when seeing Mayan, Aztec, Greek, or Roman ruins ?? 5. Have you ever had the urge to fly a kite in a thunderstorm ?? 6. Are you afraid to walk into a garage on St. Valentine's day ?? 7. Do you frquently remind yourself or someone else ?? 8. Do you frequently forget who you are ?? 9. Instead of watering your lawn, do you do a rain dance ?? 10. Do you remember the Alamo, vividly ?? 11. Do you remember the Venus De Milo....with arms ?? 12. Are there rust spots on your aura ?? (please send Answers to Renensco Blue) Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 10/08/93 AT 17:38:11 Comments : HAHAHA=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 287. Date: 10/07/93. Time: 00:21:16. Read 74 Times. From : YellowBeard To : all Subj : Please, PERMIFIED Don't litter. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX" BY HACK MAN ON 10/08/93 AT 18:08:48 Message # 288. Date: 10/07/93. Time: 22:22:35. Read 66 Times. From : Acdha Rmiss To : YellowBeard Subj : Please, PERMIFIED Yeah! Stop posting... MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX" BY HACK MAN ON 10/08/93 AT 18:08:58 Comments : ZZZZZZZ=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 289. Date: 10/10/93. Time: 15:37:13. Read 73 Times. From : Ghost To : Gravebuster Subj : DOINKNOBICITY RECEIVED PERMIFIED Doinknob City. Wordsmith, turn the doinknob and open the door to all possibilities found in the city at the end of time. MOVED FROM "STORY BOARD" BY HACK MAN ON 10/12/93 AT 18:22:19 Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 Message # 290. Date: 10/04/93. Time: 22:36:39. Read 85 Times. From : Number Two To : SKURKEY Subj : Warhol said it would happen.... RECEIVED PERMIFIED THE BATTLE HYMN OF THE ERISTOCRACY By Lord Omar Mine brain has meditated on the spinning of the Chao; It is hovering o'er the table where the Chiefs of Staff are now Gathered in discussion of the dropping of the bomb; Her Apple Corps is strong! Grand (and gory) Old Discordja; Grand (and gory) Old Discordja; Grand (and gory) Old Discordja; Her Apple Corps is srtong! She was not invited to the party that they held on Limbo Peak; So She threw a Golden Apple, 'sted of turn'd t'other cheek! O it cracked the holy Punchbowl and it made the nectar leak; Her Apple Corps is strong! Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY The Music Man ON 10/14/93 AT 03:23:52 Comments : HUH?=1 BRAVO!=23 PROMOTE ME=137 #290. Message # 291. Date: 10/19/93. Time: 09:21:50. Read 73 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Stranger Subj : Uhhh... RECEIVED THE ONLY THING WRONG IS THE WORD WRONG. C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 10/19/93 AT 14:55:17 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Number Two ON 10/19/93 AT 19:09:29 Comments : BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=34 Message # 293. Date: 10/14/93. Time: 02:14:51. Read 62 Times. From : The Music Man To : Ghost Subj : Definately... RECEIVED PERMIFIED I found a back dorr that is never locked, the way to access it is to find the 3,141,592,653,589th decimal place of pi (which is written on the wall of the pi room) and turn it, for it is also a door gnob. As you turn it, a trap door will open beneath your feet as you plummet down a chute and into the depths of the bog of eternal stench. You will find yourself on the deepest underground caverns of the bog of eternal stench (where the stench is manufactured), consisting of mazes and tunnels thick with methane, carbon monoxide, sulphur dioxide, propane, and nitrous oxide gases. For this reason, you may wish to refrain from breathing. Anyway, you head through the caverns in the direction of the signs that say "THE WEIRD BOARD IS NOT THIS WAY", until you come to a round manhole cover with the inscription "THIS IS NOT IT", and then you stand on it. After standing on it for about 5 minutes, jump up and down pi times, turn around in one full circle, and fart. The cover will lift you up to another level of the retreat, where the stench no longer hangs in the air. This would probably be a good time to continue breathing again. You will find yourself in a long corridoor, and you will walk down it in the direction where the wall isn't. There will be many doors, but you must be careful which one you enter into. If you pick the wrong one, you may be exorcized by gravebusters delf (which we keep locked up at all times, lest it rebuke the rest of ourdelves), or you may encounter an old dillusionist who went sane one day, and is being locked up for their own insanity, or else you may end up falling into the Bog proper (which supposedly has permanent effects), or you could get mauled and killed by herds of snyads, or you may encounter Hack Man's private bathroom (and die (yes again) from a fate worse than Bog water), or you might open the closet where we keep all of gaviscons old posts (and be ascphfickxiated by an avelanche of verbosity, or you may find the Blah Room (a sub that didn't go over very well) and die (yes, again) of boredom, or else you could wander into Elvis's rumpus room (where we keep him well fed) and learn why they REALLY called him "Elvis The Pelvis", and you could even accidentally stumble into the Penguin Patio where you would be consumed in a frenzy of feeding penguins, so I would suggest that you find the one that is marked correctly. It will say "THIS ISN'T IT EITHER", which should not be mixed up with the various other doors similarly marked, so you don't want the one that says "THIS ISN'T IT", nor the one that says "THIS IS NOT IT", nor the one reading "THIS IS NOT IT EITHER", nor "NOT THIS ONE", nor "NOT THIS ONE EITHER", and especially not the one that says "THIS IS IT". When you come to the right door, be sure to close it before you enter into it. This gives it a sense of purpose, and keeps it from fretting about its lack of use. If it refuses to open again, or gives you any other problems, just kick it. Don't mind it if it starts bleeding, it only does that to make people feel guilty. Once you have passed through the door (ethereally or physically), turn around and walk out the door again, and look directly across the corridoor, and you will see a door with a sign on it that says "DO NOT ENTER". Immediately kick this door (it has a bad attitude, and you have to show it who is boss) and open it up. Keep in mind that you must follow the directions printed on the door, so you do not want to enter through it, instead, turn around and walk backwards, this will give it the impression that you have exited instead of entered (its not a very smart door), and be sure to close it in front of you, otherwise it will close on its own when you turn around and smack you in the back on its way shut (it seems to enjoy this). When you have closed the door again, be sure to kick it once more (just for good measure). You will find yourself in a large room containing several large tigers (have no fear, they think they're kumquats), which you will need to converse with until you find the one that does not think it is a kumquat. This one thinks it is a fig. Look him in the eye and say "You're not a fig, you're a kumquat" and he will pass through an infinitely small crack in space, at which point you need to grab his tail (which he will say is his vine) and allow him to pull you through the crack, where you will arrive in the weird room securely fastened to a tigers tail. Let go of his tail, and he will immediately turn into a fig, which, for no good reason whatsoever, resembles a tiger. Ignore the fig and get weird, and for absolutely no apparent reason whatsoever, the fig will vanish in thin air, leaving nothing but thick air in its wake. But, then, you could always do something weird... MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY Ghost ON 10/20/93 AT 20:06:16 Comments : HAHAHA=43 OBFUSCATED=43 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 294. Date: 08/06/93. Time: 00:23:08. Read 97 Times. From : Zaphraud To : ALL Subj : In 20 Years... PERMIFIED HACK MAN Will be with a really short petite blond nymphomaniac with hair that goes down to her butt, named candy. He will live in camarillo, hosting many major parties. MOJO IV Will be settled down comfortably with another slug, happily TMM Will be teaching kids how to disguise a bong as a plant vase to hide it from their parents at RMHS. NUMBER 2 Will be the same kewl guy as always. STRANGER Will pioneer a penile regrowth process and stun the medical world. STRANGER's Will get rich selling their stories of STRANGER's amazing GIRLFRIENDS regrowth and new sexual prowress. more later MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY Gravebuster ON 10/21/93 AT 08:30:19 Comments : HAHAHA=23 BRAVO!=134 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 295. Date: 09/20/93. Time: 16:25:00. Read 75 Times. From : Ghost To : The Music Man Subj : hell RECEIVED PERMIFIED A lox is a disguised fish. To understand who it is, read "lox" backwards: "xol" pronounced as it would be in Spanish becomes "sol". There you have it, lox is soulfish. And those who can afford to purchase lox for their bagels never share and are very soulfish people. MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY Gravebuster ON 10/21/93 AT 14:24:37 Comments : HAHAHA=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 296. Date: 03/23/93. Time: 23:32:16. Read 72 Times. From : Arwen Undomiel To : Stranger Subj : Taking care of busy Ness. RECEIVED PERMIFIED Ah Stranger! You have hit on the ylem! I yisse your ability as a sesquipedalian. If HM were not a solipsist, I wonder if you would be so. But that directly correlates to the Big Toe's admitted theomania. I dare not grow superexcrescent, as you may become subderisorious with me, but I would be considered steatopygous and a yirner if I had allowed your post to go unanswered and you would think me a slubberdegullion. I do pose a query: Do you share Racer X's love of recidivism? Or is it nullibiety you crave? I have often been curious, but then I am rather rampallion, as I hope you would agree, as I dispise anything remotely quotidian. I wonder if it correlates with my parturate state? We should be cautious, or this may be considered palinoia, and since you have heretobeforehand set the paradigm, I will aquiesce Mojo IV<= SQuishy BOgSLug MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 11/19/93 AT 09:06:57 Comments : BLOWS!=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 309. Date: 10/05/93. Time: 08:46:12. Read 72 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Number Two Subj : The one that got away RECEIVED PERMIFIED ALL I GNOW IS THAT THE MORE I GNOW THE LESS I GNOW, SO I AM TRYING TO LEARN EVERYTHING SO THAT I CAN BECOME COMPLETELY IGNORANT. C- - - MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/20/93 AT 20:55:28 Comments : HAHAHA=100 OBFUSCATED=23 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 310. Date: 10/10/93. Time: 02:32:31. Read 74 Times. From : Stranger To : The Music Man Subj : wow... RECEIVED PERMIFIED I am a mere martyr, but I acknowledge the supremacy of the fig. What plant could be more obfuscated, than that which is able to hide itself from scrutiny. Ah, the noble fig; good for more than just fig newtons, figs are kumquats and kumquats are figs, interrelated, intercorrelated, interpolated, adumbrated, ensconced, et cetera et cetera and all of that bosh. It gives me the heeby jeebies, thinking of the injustice tha is perpetrated on figs. They, being (sometimes (don't forget the third law of everything equals everything else)) exiles from the tree, often need to hide out, for many plants are inherent enemies (and therefore friends, too) of obfuscation. A fallen kumquat is beset upon by Illuminated Wolves. gobble gobble gobble and all that . A fallen fig is just another vegetato-organule in distress, though, and liable to be resued by the gallant canines. Unless they're unlucky of course, and a cookie corporation hunts them (not only for pleasure, but for enjoyment) and puts the fertile ones inside a yeasty outer covering, saving the barren ones for slave work in the word mines of Lord Thesaurus and the Five Prophetic and Fantabulous Sentient Folding Lawn Chairs [brandishing solid gold lawn darts] in which case heretofor they try to turn back into a kumquat (after all, who wants a kumquat newton) . (Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Mummu rattles in his blanket. Turn up the goddamned heat, Mummu murmurs meditatively. I may be Primal Chaos, but my tushie gets cold, too.) In the end, and for you darkened ones, the beginning, of course, too (neatly snug in the space between two tines of the forked tongue [if you have been paying attention, you know that the tongue, not the pen, or the sword, is the mightiest weapon, and a forked one is doubly dastardly] of the Inner Unending World Serpent) , everything is everything else. Your Humble and Loving Servant, Lord Jesus Christ. Oops, I mean Stranger. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/21/93 AT 07:09:47 Comments : HAHAHA=100 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 #310. Message # 311. Date: 11/09/93. Time: 08:26:37. Read 85 Times. From : Grazz't To : all Subj : Product Warning Labels Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning labels by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important are. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics. We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitable informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Out suggested list of warnings appears below. WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them. CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charges particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour. CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving. ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but non-zero chance that, through a process known as "Tunneling," this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result. READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years. THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result. PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in.h)5 the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe. NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a "Gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed. ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product consists of 99.9999999999999% empty space. NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional. However, the consumer is reminded that this confers no legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are "Rolled Up" into such a small "Area" that they cannot be detected. PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undeterminable state. COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the user. IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY The Music Man ON 11/21/93 AT 10:51:06 Comments : HAHAHA=143 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 312. Date: 10/13/93. Time: 01:20:12. Read 74 Times. From : Number Two To : HACK MAN Subj : Mukor Rules this Galaxy RECEIVED PERMIFIED Yeah, my mother was the last martian. My father found her there when he travelled there in his balloon. They fell in love and I was the result. Mom was a little over 700 when pop (he was about 55) arrived on Mars. After I was born, we were a happy family for about 70 years before mom died. Me and pop stayed on MArs for about another 25 then we went back to Earth (around 1612 or so). Pop stayed around and did nothing much for about 273 years and then started doing some real interesting writing. Then when Halley's comet came, he hitched a ride and said that he would be back on one of the next few ones to get me. I've been waiting for him ever since. As for where I was in 1776, I was in what would today be called Fresno, trying to escape torment. Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/21/93 AT 14:49:04 Comments : HAHAHA=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 313. Date: 10/14/93. Time: 08:40:53. Read 73 Times. From : Ghost To : The Music Man Subj : BBSing RECEIVED PERMIFIED A bnoy is what bobs on the sea of Blah. Currantly, it is sailing west, carried by a blast of hot air generated by the collective farm of kumquats who are formenting a socialistic plot against Gravebuster. Warn him of another Commie plot! The bnoy is seeded with an attractant aroma. Once he is pulled to it, as it is futile to resist the beguiling pheromes of kumquats, the bnoy will sound his knell. Thereafter, grieving relatives will make pilgrimage to the bnoy marking the spot of Gravebuster's Wateryloo and awestruck nieces and nephews will be admonished, "...Bobs your uncle!" MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/21/93 AT 14:49:41 Comments : OBFUSCATED=65502 DOINK=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 314. Date: 10/20/91. Time: 20:39:22. Read 78 Times. From : THE MUSIC MAN To : Whomever Subj : A poem The Programmers Lament My computer has a monitor, It's monitor has a screen, My scull had two small eyeballs, with vision which was keen, but now my eyesight's fading, as are my brain and mind, so reading the words are difficult because I'm nearly blind, I used to be creative, or so I thought I was, but logic's got the best of me now so if it don't compute, it's scuz, I only speak binary now and never write, just type, if It's not on a computer screen I write it off as hype, I am no longer human, just a mere organic machine, before long I'll be obsolete, replaced by updated version 1.13, They'll disassemble me for surplus parts, or bury me underground, but 'til that time, I'll keep programming, unless my soul is found.... MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY Stranger ON 11/21/93 AT 16:35:07 Comments : WOW!=1 Message # 315. Date: 10/17/93. Time: 22:58:34. Read 67 Times. From : Jehan To : SKURKEY Subj : Hmmm... RECEIVED PERMIFIED How do you know you were only seeing four? It may well have BEEN eight. Or perhaps you were seeing two twice. The next question is once the peacocks finished migrating across your lawn, did La Migra follow? Did you notice which direction they went in? Do you think these were homosexual peacocks, as you saw no peahens, or at least mentioned none? Do you think they might have been searching for some secluded corner for some obscure peacock ritual I shouldn't know about? Perhaps they needed to inspect each other's hypothalami for genetic irregularities. In conclusion, it is urgent you contact the Department of the Treasury as they consider it an important part of their job to prevent hypothalamigrations such as these. For extra credit, write an essay comparing and contrasting this question-- "If a chicken is just an egg's way of making another egg, is a peacock's feather, featherweight? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/21/93 AT 17:42:05 Comments : HAHAHA=23 OBFUSCATED=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 316. Date: 10/24/93. Time: 13:48:38. Read 72 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : Jehan Subj : Might I have just a moment of your time? RECEIVED PERMIFIED Excuse me, Ma'am, but I couldn't help but notice that you seem to be bullitan boarding without a sign-off. As your local representative of Schwabecher & McHaverstein's Warehouse'O'Sign-offs, I'd like to take a few moments to help inform you on the many wonderous advantages that can be had with the purchase of a fine new sign-off. Sign-offs are important. They tell people who you are. The key word we're talking about here is presence. Presence and volume. Yes, the two key words we're talking about here are presence and volume. And Expression. Free and complete personal Expression. The three key words we're talking about here are Presence, Volume, and Expression... That's visable Presence, Volume of advertisement, and personal Expression. Yes, the three key phrases that we're talking about here are visible Presence, Volume of advertisement, and person- al Expression. With the purchase of a fine new sign-off, you can let us help you with the efficient and effective advancement of those important personal goals that can only be seen with the purchase of a fine new sign-off. A fine new sign-off from Schwabecher & McHaverstein's Warehouse'O'Sign-offs. Let's just take a look at some of the sign-offs available from our vast sel- ection of quality merchandice. You're a biker, am I right? Of course I am. I believe I can set you up with a fine, unique sign-off that is appropriate for the kind of life you lead. How about this beaut over here? It's fun, dif- ferent, and VERY avante-garde! " __o " \<, ()/() I can take it out of the quotes, if you like. It's a wonderful sign-off for your active lifestyle. It was first popularized by a user over the Internet and it can be yours for the low, low price of Pi and a half obfuscabucks! If it's not your style--I understand if you might want to be a bit more flamboy- ant--then you can choose from any of our fine selection of large ASCII let- tering styles. Some of our customers prefer having their name prominantly displayed. You look like someone who could appreciate the new 3-D tile look: \__\__\__ \__\__\__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__\__ \__ \__ \__\__ \__\__\__ \__\__\__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__\__ \__\__ \__\__\__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ \__ Too large and obtrusive? Maybe a bit too difficult to read? Or maybe you're thinking of going really obscure? Have you considered the new BAR CODE sign- off? That's right, we reduce your handle into a series of 2-digit representa- tions, based on an ASCI minus 32 character set and translate those numbers into UPC standard bar codes: J=43, e=69, h=72, a=65, n=78, Jehan=4369726578 ÝÝ ÛÞÞ ÞÝÛÛÞÞÞÛÝ ÝÛÞÛÞÝÝÝÛÞÝÞÞ ÝÞÛÞ Þ ÝÞ ÞÛÞ ÝÝ ÝÝ ÛÞÞ ÞÝÛÛÞÞÞÛÝ ÝÛÞÛÞÝÝÝÛÞÝÞÞ ÝÞÛÞ Þ ÝÞ ÞÛÞ ÝÝ ÝÝ ÛÞÞ ÞÝÛÛÞÞÞÛÝ ÝÛÞÛÞÝÝÝÛÞÝÞÞ ÝÞÛÞ Þ ÝÞ ÞÛÞ ÝÝ ÝÝ ÛÞÞ ÞÝÛÛÞÞÞÛÝ ÝÛÞÛÞÝÝÝÛÞÝÞÞ ÝÞÛÞ Þ ÝÞ ÞÛÞ ÝÝ ÝÝ ÛÞÞ ÞÝÛÛÞÞÞÛÝ ÝÛÞÛÞÝÝÝÛÞÝÞÞ ÝÞÛÞ Þ ÝÞ ÞÛÞ ÝÝ ÝÝ ÛÞÞ ÞÝÛÛÞÞÞÛÝ ÝÛÞÛÞÝÝÝÛÞÝÞÞ ÝÞÛÞ Þ ÝÞ ÞÛÞ ÝÝ ÝÝ ÛÞÞ ÞÝÛÛÞÞÞÛÝ ÝÛÞÛÞÝÝÝÛÞÝÞÞ ÝÞÛÞ Þ ÝÞ ÞÛÞ ÝÝ ÝÝ ÛÞÞ ÞÝÛÛÞÞÞÛÝ ÝÛÞÛÞÝÝÝÛÞÝÞÞ ÝÞÛÞ Þ ÝÞ ÞÛÞ ÝÝ ÝÝ ÛÞÞ ÞÝÛÛÞÞÞÛÝ ÝÛÞÛÞÝÝÝÛÞÝÞÞ ÝÞÛÞ Þ ÝÞ ÞÛÞ ÝÝ 0 ÝÝ ÛÞ 4 3 6 9 7 ÝÝ 2 6 5 7 8 ÞÛÞ ÝÝ 9 Of course, some folks don't like that kind of sign-off, especially when you can never be sure if another user can display IBM high ASCII properly. But, that's why we have such a wide selection here at Schwabecher & McHaverstein's Warehouse'O'Sign-offs. So, what can I put you down for? !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -Sign-offs! Get your sign-offs here! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/23/93 AT 07:33:58 Comments : HAHAHA=124 DOINK=42 BRAVO!=100 PROMOTE ME=4 Message # 317. Date: 05/17/91. Time: 19:42:00. Read 76 Times. From : Ubik To : DEADMAN Subj : HMM RECEIVED PERMIFIED Deadman, You are a new Discordian! Have you done your formal initiation baptism type thing yet? You have to go someplace, (bowling alleys are traditional but it can be any public place) and consume a HOT DOG on FRIDAY. thereby breaking the rules of several religions (includig discordianism) all at once. This is important stuff. Do it! Ubik Hail Eris All Hail Discordia! (chili is optional) MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY HACK MAN ON 11/23/93 AT 19:03:05 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 318. Date: 08/16/91. Time: 23:35:48. Read 117 Times. From : NUMBER TWO To : Ubik Subj : I see it, do you?! RECEIVED PERMIFIED He died!? This sorely affects the balance of power in the multiverse. Spot is a familiar, and therefore will keep his shape-changing powers, but he will be very disoriented by the death of his master. I hope one of the three great demons on this dimension didn't get him. If one of them did, they may be able to magically subvert him to their will. This would be very bad for the followers of good and Disney(interchangible words in my dictionary). The great demons( if you are interested ), are three powerful beings that came from a dimension that I lovingly call, Hel (with one L). They are: 1. Donald Trump - he was the master of currency. His power was beginning to become supreme, before he was attacked by the other two and humbled. He is still dangerous, but much less so. 2. George Bush - His is the power over Law. This is very ironic considering the fact that he is a son of Rae'elaxx, lord of discord. His power is considerable, but he is a puppet of someone I have had no chance to figure out yet. I am working on this one. Any insight would be appreciated. 3. Ted Turner - This Demon is the most dangerous of them all. His power is in the form of Information. He is in charge of Indoctrination of the people. He controls what we see and think. Even my thoughts( an Initiate of Disney) are affected by his evil magic. I fight my hardest and quiet- est fight against this Demon Lord. If you decide to join this fight, do notr do so loudly. He is powerful, and his visiblr enemies do not stay visible very long. P.S Jane is one of my contacts in his organization. shhhh!! More later? WAR 2 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Number Two ON 11/19/93 AT 20:36:50 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY HACK MAN ON 11/24/93 AT 01:48:04 Message # 319. Date: 10/17/93. Time: 23:35:06. Read 89 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Stranger Subj : Hiya... RECEIVED PERMIFIED DON'T REPLY TO THIS, IT HAS NO MEANING. C- - - MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/21/93 AT 17:43:01 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY HACK MAN ON 11/24/93 AT 01:48:55 Comments : RASPBERRYS=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 320. Date: 08/06/93. Time: 01:25:44. Read 68 Times. From : Stranger To : TMM Subj : Hey!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED It is so unfair....I finally say something good enough to get into the Hall of Fame, and then another user's quote of it (without documentation) gets in!! Ack Stranger MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/24/93 AT 04:39:49 #320. Message # 321. Date: 08/06/93. Time: 11:11:03. Read 70 Times. From : The Music Man To : Stranger Subj : Hey!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Only because it is bound to be moved outof the Hall sooneror later. THat's the purpose of putting stuph like that there, so people can keep moving it around and leave a long move list at the bottom of the message. There are a few of those floating around! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/24/93 AT 04:40:15 Message # 322. Date: 08/06/93. Time: 14:38:40. Read 71 Times. From : Stranger To : The Music Man Subj : Hey!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Yeah, but you should have used MINE ! Stranger MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/24/93 AT 04:41:12 Message # 323. Date: 08/06/93. Time: 15:54:34. Read 72 Times. From : The Music Man To : Stranger Subj : Hey!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Ok, then give me a reply worthy of promoting, something that will MAKE people want to move it around... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/24/93 AT 04:41:28 Message # 324. Date: 08/06/93. Time: 18:38:59. Read 79 Times. From : Stranger To : The Music Man Subj : Hey!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED I can't produce on the spot! Do you know how long it took me to think of: F U T I L I T Y I S R E S I S T A N T !! ?? argh! Stranger MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/24/93 AT 04:43:31 Comments : BOG ME=1 Message # 325. Date: 11/02/93. Time: 22:25:26. Read 68 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : Jehan Subj : Might I have just a moment of your time? RECEIVED PERMIFIED I see. You're a lady with more refined, dignified tastes. Here at Schwabecher and McHaverstein's Warehouse'O'Sign-offs, we make every effort to cater to the highly selective tastes of our customers. I can tell you're an elegant woman with special needs--needs that governed not by the bounds of a check- book, but by the bounds of acceptable style and grace. You're obviously a woman who understands that a unique, quality sign-off is worth eons more than the insignificant extra fee that we charge our more discriminating customers. Now, I don't ordinarily show this next model to my normal customers, who will usually settle for a cheap, tawdry sign-off. I like to reserve the priveledge for people like you who can tell the difference between genuine flair and mere glitz. Ah, yes, here it is: Ü ÜÜßßÜÜßß ÜÜ ÜÜß ß ÞÝ ÜÛÞÝ Û Ü ÞÝÛ ÜßßÜ ÛÜßßÜ ÜßßÜ ÛÜßßÜ ÞÝ ÛÞÝ ÞÝÜß ÞÝ ÞÝ ÜßÞÝ ÞÝ ÞÝ ßÜÛÜß ßÜÜÜß Û ÛÜ ßÜÜßÛÜ Û ÞÝ ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜß ß Once again, I must warn you that this model carries the disadvantage with it that many users will not be able to appreciate its fine quality if they can't display those high IBM Ascii characters. Of course, many of our customers do not choose to associate with those types, anyway, and are instead more inter- ested with impressing high society types who can afford high ASCII. Still, it would be remiss of me to withhold this final product, one of our more demur brands. I can understand if you might have found that last one a bit too large and flagrant. Anyway, why watch me type about it, when a good long look can do so much more: !!! Jehan !!! -=@ @=- This one is one of my favorites. It's small, simple and elegant. The exclama- tion marks single you out immediately as a person of importance and creative energy. You can insert almost any personal title you may have into the second line and it becomes framed very nicely with a character combination that most people would not expect. You'll notice the clever juxtaposition of a hyphen- equals sign combo and the "At" sign create a visually dissonant look that not only calls attention to your personal title, but suggests something more than the Obfuscate signoff, which consists of only hyphens and equals signs. And yet it still doesn't detract attention away from the centerpiece of this sign off, your handle, boldly evident within its triple exclamations and inserted a single space in from the left border to subtly distinguish it from the rest of the post. Hm? Oh dear. My manager tells me that the last sign-off I showed you was sold to another user some time ago. I'm afraid we'll have to take it out of stock. But just between you and me, I may be able to enter into a little negotiation with the current owner--maybe show him some of our newest models--and arrange a bit of a trade. He's had that sign-off for seven or eight years now. Maybe he's thinking of a change, if you gnow what I mean. You'd just better hope he is not one of the more traditionalist BBS users. Ha ha! You gnow what a pain they can be! Still, our other models are available. I'll let you look them over and make a decision. If you need any help, my gnowledge is at your disposal. Thank you for your interest in our sign-offs here at Schwabecher and McHaverstein's Warehouse'O'Sign-offs! !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- -And it only cost me an old, broken shoehorn (the kind with teeth). MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/25/93 AT 10:20:43 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 326. Date: 11/03/93. Time: 00:07:36. Read 68 Times. From : Number Two To : Gaviscon Aviscenna Subj : HELP!!!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Actually, I do believe what I was talking about (or meant if I was actually talking about something else) was the fact that I would rather be a candle; a friend, long and bold and (T)rue to a certain female friend of mine, than to be a flash bulb, bright, hot, but very short lived (as most of my friend's relationships end up being). Sure, the passion and the fire would be great, but the loss of a (T)rue friend is way to high of a price to pay for it. Of course, I could have been talking about almost anything, and I do believe that i have no proof, positive or negative (other than a poem I wrote awhile ago) that could incriminate me either way. Then again, I could be wrong on that point too and then I would know that almost everything I have been spewing lately must be wrong or misguided, or deluded, or dilluted. If there is a taint, I will have go and look for the damnthing, and if I find it, I will have to excise the damn thing like a cancerous growth. It's life, but dammit, it's my life and I think it can really stink. then again...... Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/25/93 AT 10:21:29 Comments : OBFUSCATED=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 327. Date: 11/04/93. Time: 02:33:36. Read 78 Times. From : Stranger To : Riders Subj : Nothingness PERMIFIED Nothing is something. If you can write about nothing, or say nothing, then obviously there is a subject that you are writing or talking about. Nothing is every bit as something as everything. Sometimes nothing is more something than everything, because you can never locate everything (there are always a few socks that you'll miss) but you can always locate nothing--it's right in front of you! Or rather, nothing is right in front of you. It is not always right in front of you--it likes to travel. Nothing, unlike it, does not travel. Nothing does nothing, like it's supposed to. If it would do as it is supposed to, maybe it would be as happy as nothing. Stranger MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/25/93 AT 10:26:09 Comments : WAY!=100 OBFUSCATED=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 328. Date: 11/25/93. Time: 10:17:13. Read 67 Times. From : Gravebuster To : Gravebuster Subj : NOTE RECEIVED PERMIFIED Hey! How'd you do that, HACK MAN? Hmmmm... an undead post? Wow! +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY The Music Man ON 11/27/93 AT 12:54:32 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 329. Date: 02/26/92. Time: 06:29:31. Read 76 Times. From : Number Two To : Ambrosia Subj : Something I thought you should read RECEIVED PERMIFIED "A rose by any other name......would just confuse people" -K. Boyle Confusion. What a simple word for such a complex and unexplainable feeling. Even the most avid of descriptions would be nothing more than dangling your over the Grand Canyon of the true feeling of it all. True Feeling. Another fun-loving decievable phrase. How is anyone to be sure that their feelings are true until they are tested? How is anyone to be sure of the depth of the water, just by appearance alone? You can't. Appearances can be and most usually are deceptive. To find the real depth of the water you must probe it, or just blindly walk in and find out for yourself. No one can do it for me. If I want depth, the one who has to search for the deepest water most certainly must be me. ME. Isn't it amazing how small of a word we use to desribe ourselves? Two letters, one syllable, and the whole thing chock full of meaning. Me is so small, yet contained within it's tiny parameters ar the building blocks of who we are. Me is meant to be singular, but just in the fact that it has 2 letters you can see that it is much more than "I". "I am but me, trapped in a shell" ME is a compromise. It bridges the gap between "I" and "YOU". ME is a pronoun, and singular, but it is never alone. Do you detect a pattern? I see a menagerie of interconnected threads. All of them more or less relative to what I am trying to say to you. Do you see a pattern (no question mark and no ending) Your Pal 2 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Stranger ON 11/29/93 AT 00:47:34 Comments : OBFUSCATED=100 DOINK=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 330. Date: 11/21/93. Time: 21:11:30. Read 70 Times. From : Number Two To : Gravebuster Subj : Mukor Rules this Galaxy RECEIVED PERMIFIED Actually torment was already there, and that's why I was trying to escape. In 1776, there were a tribe of Native Americans (actually they were native Asians, and most likely originated in the Mesopotamia, but I'll leave that one alone) that called themselves, the Torani (Tor-N-Eye). I stumbled upon them in my wanderings, and stayed for awhile because they were all strikingly odd compared to the other Native Americans I had encountered. None of the families were whole. There was at least one vital family member missing from each family unti. Everyone seemed in a daze, amnd walked about all day moaning about the heat or just mumbling social inanities. I was about to leave when I realized that my mother was dead, and that my father was missing. All of this hit me hard; harder than usual considering I had several hundred years to deal with the death of my mother and multiple decades to get used to not being around dad (he had disappeared about 1723, but I found him in Copanhagen around 1800). I slumped. I moaned. I sat and cried in despair. I did this for about 3 months before I realized I was being controlled somehow. It took the arrival of another stranger, a spanish monk named Frederico Diego, to clue me in as to what was happening. He arrived in the summer of 1776, and spent the first few weeks trying to convert the locals, and myself. We struck up a fast friendship, and as the days went on, I noticed him getting more and more tired and sad. He even began to doubt his faith. This was very unlike the man I had meet not more than 5 weeks before. It dawned on me that we (me, Frederico, and the Native Americans) were all being manipulated somehow into feeling tormented by things that had happened in our life. It even seemed the Natives were so conditioned to the torment that they subconsciously caused things to happen for them to be tormented over (ie the death of family members). It was only by luck, and the skillful manipulation of a hand made tandem bicyle that Frederico and I were able to escape southwest to a place where the air was clean and the temperature varied little from season to season. There were a few other Native Americans here, but they were the normal territorial violent type, and therefore much easier to deal with. I stayed in the area for another 7 years, and left only when Frederico went a few miles north to join up with some of his fellow monks who were to build one of their religion's "Missions". I couldn't work, nor be around that shameful group (Fred was alright), so I left and made my way to the East coast and then eventually Europe once again. Be Seeing You ?? (Torment still lives in Fresno. I went back to make sure) MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 11/29/93 AT 11:37:05 Comments : OBFUSCATED=42 BRAVO!=100 PROMOTE ME=1 #330. Message # 331. Date: 04/08/89. Time: 21:40:38. Read 146 Times. From : Lynx To : Subj : A joke RECEIVED WHat do you do with an elephant(sp?) with three balls? Pitch him the fourth ball, and let him take his base. Lynx MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 11/29/93 AT 23:42:59 Comments : GROAN.=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 333. Date: 11/13/89. Time: 23:05:41. Read 110 Times. From : THE MUSIC MAN To : Whomever Subj : Doink It is my opinion that "Doink" is an over-rated expression. It is also over used and over quoted, and too few people have a handle on its true meaning, so as a result, I am forced to combat this criminal extreme by creating a new sect, the ANTI-DOINKS! Those who are as sick of Doink as I am may join, and help to aid in the persecution of any and all doinks that make their way onto this board! Down with doinks!!! The Music Man *ANTI-DOINK!* MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 11/29/93 AT 23:47:47 Comments : OBFUSCATED=100 DOINK=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 334. Date: 11/16/89. Time: 23:06:42. Read 123 Times. From : Unka Buck To : THE MUSIC MAN Subj : Doink RECEIVED Absolutely! Down with doinks! All these naive people with no gnowlege of the background or true meaning of the doink. Doinks can be very dangerous if misused.Most people have no idea the danger they are flirting with by using doinks in such an uncontrolled and careless manner. Sometimes I wonder if The Legendary Dan Amster really gnew what he was doing when he released the power of doink on an unsuspecting world. -Unka Buck- -Concerned about the future of mankind- MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 11/29/93 AT 23:47:57 Comments : HAHAHA=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 335. Date: 11/18/89. Time: 11:27:28. Read 101 Times. From : THE MUSIC MAN To : Adonijah Subj : Doink RECEIVED Of course! That is the obfuscationary purpose in it! Besides, I get sick of just seeing: Doink! All by itself all the time. It's getting boring, and looks a little bit lonely. I figured that doink needed some type of anti-thesis to go along with it, like "anti-" ! (I gnow, it's a little bit simplistic and generic, but it gets the point across! Accurate, yet, elegant!) The Music Man *ANTI-DOINK!* MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 11/29/93 AT 23:48:35 Comments : DOINK=1 ZZZZZZZ=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 336. Date: 11/19/89. Time: 11:01:52. Read 123 Times. From : Gizmo To : - Subj : acutual letters to the IRS RECEIVED These are actual letters to the IRS. can you believe it?!?!?!?!??! not me AUTHOR NOTE: The spelling and grammer in these letters belong to the senders and not to Internal Revenue or the editor [or sysop of this board]. Dear Internal Revenue: I've always paid my income tax in the past because I was afraid of going to jail if I didn't. Now I read in the papers and hear on the TV and radio that this is a matter of self-assessment. If it's voluntary, I don't want any part of it, so you can have your forms back. Yours truly, Hello Director: Uncle Ralph says hes sorry he forgot to have me sign and so am I. As my wife is not much on working, I don't file with her. She grows a good garden, cooks and keeps the house real good but aside from that she aint much help. Dear Sir: I received the notice from your "idiot box, commonly called computer" indicating that I owe you $5.00 plus $.11 interest, on my 1963 tax return. I know it is common practice for your service to charge the taxpayers for information rendered to them about their returns. I am enclosing herewith a bill for my services, and telling you that your computer forgot to apply the $5.00 filed with my estimated tax return. Please refer to line 19-b. Isasmuch as my time is extreamly valuable, it seems to me that the charge I have made for my services in straightening out your computer is most reasonable. Your prompt remittance would be appreciated so that I will not have to start charging interest on the aount you owe me. Sincerely yours, Sir: You had better check your records of your data processing system again and if you don't come up with the right answer you better have the robot overhauled. The records of my processing system, which is by the way myself, shows that I wrote and mailed a check, together with depository receipts, in the amount of $60.57 on April 15. Your dept. endorced it on May 5. Where it was all that time, I'll be damned. But I have the cancelled check to prove it. Get it straightened out once and for all. You people have made more errors with our account in the past few months than is necessary. If, we did this to a customer we'd lose their business. Sincerely, Sirs: Borrowed cow, cow fell in ditch and broker her neck. No cow, no milk, no money. Is there a deduction there? My dear Sir, I do not recall the last date on which I last drove the truck in question. Nor do I recall the date on which it was sold. I never did know who bought it. Nor did I even care, even a little bit. I don't consider keeping up with your taxable goods as my job. Yours somewhat, P.S. I didn't know trucks had dispositions. If this one did it was a mean disposition. Gentlemen: We would like to obtain a copy of your study "Where millionaires-and others-get their money" which is refered to in the July 29, 1963 issue of U.S. News and Word Report, page 8. If this material is avaiable without cost, we should like very much to have it for addition to our permanent reference library. Please use this address in replying: Librarian, State Prision Sincerely yours, To Whom it May Concern: This is to certify that my sister has cotributed more than $600 to my support for my past year. This includes groceries, medicine, clothes, doctor bills, hospital and funeral expense. Yours truly, Gentlemen: Mine not to reason why Mine just to sit and cry I filed my form and paid my bill Now nothing's left to put in my will Your tax is just and I repeat There's nothing like nothing to be kept neat I refer of course to my bank account Which withholding reduction caused to mount But then came the April fateful day And all my savings (?) were swept away. Still I shall strive to stay alive Amass if I can in Sixty Five Sufficient reserve to proudly save I'm ready "Uncle" here is your pay Dear Director: Take a minute and pull my file, For your trouble my family will smile, A look inside reveal My refund for which I appeal, Your work load presently must be great For my bothering you-you may berate But my little exemption, bless his tummy Has ate up all our surplus money Your prompt action we do entreat A treasure check will be al-reet. That you are kind is very plain For being so nice we do remain. Gratefully yours, Dear Sir: Is income taxes deductible if you are in business? Thank you. Please send my refund at once. I have fallen in error with my landlady. Sincerely, After many months of peaceful coexistance I suppose we are both ready to resume our battle Internal Revenue: I am an undertaker. Business is slow, I wish you would drop dead. Baby-I don't get the message! Are you for me or against me? Dear Sir: My wife went to pay my income tax last Friday and I haven't seen her since, so will you please let me know if it has been paid. If not, will you please send me another form to fill out. Respectfully, Sir: Several weeks ago I wrote you about my salary due me. To date I have never heard from you nor received the salary. Your department of suspense is holding up our anticipation. Sincerely, A man stood at the pearly gate, His face was worn and old. He merely asked of the man of fate Admission to the fold. "What have you done," St. Peter asked, "To seek admission here?" "Why, I tried to file '64's return On the new tax for this year." The gate swung open sharply As St. Peter rang a bell "Come In," he said, "and take a harp. You've had enough hell." Dear Commissioner: I am 14 years old and I would like to know-How much of the tax money goes to God? Yours, Dear Revenue, Will you please send me a deceased form please. Thank You! Yours truely, well, thats them. hope none of you users aborted this post.(unless you have 300 baud) OH SH1T... i just realized something. Ibet i have t wait for 1000 's of messages to be deleated be the shadow. im gonna reget this post. Bye! Gizmo MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 11/29/93 AT 23:50:39 Comments : HAHAHA=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 337. Date: 11/21/89. Time: 01:55:44. Read 107 Times. From : HACK MAN To : THE MUSIC MAN Subj : Doink RECEIVED DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 11/29/93 AT 23:50:58 Comments : DOINK=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 338. Date: 01/29/91. Time: 00:10:14. Read 94 Times. From : SpiritMaster To : ANYBODY Subj : Joke MMPH mmmppphhh mmmummmff mmmarrrmmmpppphhh. murmph mamph ampf umf. mm mamphumumapf! (oh, by the way... it's an INSIDE joke!) \\\Spirit, HEY, who threw the tomatoe?, Master/// . MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 11/29/93 AT 23:54:34 Comments : WAY!=1 ZZZZZZZ=100 BOG ME=1 Message # 339. Date: 11/30/93. Time: 14:13:42. Read 85 Times. From : Mojo IV To : All Subj : All PERMIFIED Doink! =>Mojo IV<= SQuishy BOgSLug MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 12/01/93 AT 08:34:07 Comments : DOINK=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 340. Date: 12/03/93. Time: 09:10:17. Read 65 Times. From : Mojo IV To : Gravebuster Subj : TIME PERMIFIED GET BACK, HUMAN!!!! I've been trained by renegade borgs on the quickest way to kill a human!!! <> So, don't you even think about it your FFIIIIIEEEEEEEEENNNNNND! (BTW: I'm a banana slug) =>Mojo IV<= SQuishy BOgSLug MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 12/03/93 AT 13:10:00 Comments : HAHAHA=1 #340. Message # 341. Date: 12/02/93. Time: 19:37:40. Read 81 Times. From : Mojo IV To : All Subj : To SQuish, or not to SQuish PERMIFIED The Ramifications of SQuishiness and its relationship to Obfuscation By Mojo IV, BOgSLug I have been for the last year or so a proponent of the BOg movement and the proprieter of several BOg MUshroom farm communes. I cannot say I am fully objective, but I believe I can best put to rest the question everyone has on their mind: Is SQuishiness a threat to Obfuscation? Well, No. But, that's obvious, so it couldn't be that one. What's your REAL question? What is the relationship between Obfuscation and Squishiness? Ok, well, to explain this, I must start at the beginning. According to the BOg BIble: (Obfuscates 1:1) In the Begining, there was a BOg. (Obs 1:2) And then there was Hack Man, and his big toe. (Obs 1:3) His big toe was omnipotent, you see, and awfully potent, for the Hack Man had yet to wash it. (Obs 1:4) And so said the other Obfuscates, who were there, also(did I forget to mention that?) said unto him "Ugh, that smells. I don't care if it is god, get some flaming soap!!!" (Obs 1:5) And so Hack Man did set fire to some Ivory and begin to clean his toe. (Obs 1:6) But the Bar became very stenchlike, and rather rancid, and the Obfuscates(of which there were 3) said: (Obs 1:7) "BOg IT! BOg IT! BOg IT! Say we." (for they had just seen the Princess Bride for the 5th time). (Obs 1:8) So he did cast it into the BOg, the original BOg, the first portal of BOgliness, and it became the BOg of ETernal STench. But it was forever UNsquishy. But nobody noticed because the pizza had gotten there already. (Obs 1:7) HOWEVER, Hack Man did notice, and he said "Gee. SQuishiness. How Neat." And ye, he did try to suck out the pollutants, but verily didst it not work. (Obs 1:8) And let it be known from this day forward, that Hack Man sucks! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Now, this clearly states that the most Obfuscated of them all had prior knowledge of SQuishiness, but ignored it in favor of Pizza. Some may ask, then , and again: Is Pizza closer to Obfuscation than SQuishiness. So I checked this out. Actually, Pizza is SQuishy. Now, lets compare to posts: One Obfuscated, One SQuishy. 1. Obfuscated: I'd like a container of psycho-active chemicals. 2. SQuishy: Please may I have a blonde container of LSD, and two straws? Now, the first one is straightforward: A comment that Stranger, the only SQuishy OBfuscate, said once which admiring a fishtank. The second was a comment I made up because I was bored and have no life. Now, the topic is the same, but what does it SAY??? Is SQuishiness more obvious or more oblivious? Is Obfuscation more of a pastry as opposed to a soft drink? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Now, for the first time, I print the 3.1457358784336589543466 laws of SQuishiness: 1. Anything Mikester says is SQuishy. 2. You'll sink if you swim in Plate Mail. 3. Never never never never never never call Mojo a snail. 4. Whever you go, there. Now, the abridged rules of Obfuscation: 1. Hack Man sucks. 2. Ender will never be an obfuscate. 3. When in doubt, blame Hack Man. So?? I looked for the answer. I found that SQuishiness and Obfuscation can overlap if given the right seasoning and simmered for an hour or so. To Boot, if roasted, leather has a jerky-like consistency. But that still didn't answer my question. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ So I travelled to Tibet: ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ After spending 6 years in a jail in Beijing for speaking against the government, I travelled to Camarillo, Ca, where 2 BOg have been sighted in the past, and unfortunately ran my car off a cliff near Pt. Mugu and was dragged out to sea. After washing up on a deserted Island I pondered for what seemed like an eternity the futility of my plight. Then I realized the golden rule of SQuishy OBfuscation: Futility is Resistant. So, I tried to feed myself to a monitor lizard, and it turned me down, siteing high blood pressure or something. So, I hurled myself into a nest of giant squid and waited for the end. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I met a man in Brussels, He was six foot four, And fulla muscles. I said "Do you speaka my language?" He just smiled and gave me a slug sandwich! That shock brought me out of my delirium, and I swam to the surface to find the Marriot Corporation had built a resort on the island I'd been shipwrecked on so many moons ago. So, what could I do? The copy of X-Men I'd carried with me was worth $60,000 already, so I sold it and bought the resort. Unfortunately, after a bizarre geothermal upheavel, the enter island ended up in the middle of Wyoming, on the property of some poor old prospector named Billy Bob Booky, who instantly became a millionaire playboy dealing in pork bellies and orange juice. I was distraught. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ After being institutionalized at the Camarillo State hospital for trying to swallow Bette Midler, I met up with the Mikester, who played Santa Claus and gave out free violence-desensitizing comic books, autographed by Rob Liefeld himself. I took a copy of X-Warblood 2099 with the special edition Uranium-glow-in-the-dark Razor blade lined cover and fought my way to freedom, holding a cocker spaniel hostage. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ But back to SQuishiness. Is SQuishiness next to Obfuscation? No. They start with different letters. MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY HACK MAN ON 12/03/93 AT 13:19:16 Comments : HAHAHA=1 OBFUSCATED=101 PROMOTE ME=5 Message # 342. Date: 03/22/93. Time: 05:58:43. Read 70 Times. From : Gravebuster To : YellowBeard Subj : International Forgiveness Week RECEIVED PERMIFIED >"Thou shalt not have any other bannanas before Me." Bannanicus 10:13 I wonder who gave out the Yellowite titles? Anyway, there are other things we should also remember... "In the beginning, God created the yellow banana... and God saw the yellow banana, that it was good... " Bananasis 1:1, 3 "And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, "DOINK! Of every tree of the yellow banana you may freely eat; but of the tree of the knowledge of the green banana you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely blow." Bananasis 2:16, 17 "Now the scumbag...said to the woman, "Has God indeed said, 'You shall not eat of every tree of the garden'?" And the woman said to the scumbag, 'We may eat the fruit of the trees of the yellow banana; but of the fruit of the green banana, God has said, 'You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you blow.' And the scumbag said...'You will not surely blow. For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing ACK! and DOINK!'" Bananasis 3:1-5 "Then the LORD God called to Adam and said to him, 'DOINK! Where are you?' So he said, 'ACK!' And He said, 'DOINK! Who told you about 'ACK!'? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?'" Bananasis 3:9-11 "So the LORD God said to the scumbag: 'DOINK! Because you have done this, you will blow more than any other thing in the universe; on your belly you shall go, and you shall eat green bananas all the days of your life. And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her Seed; He shall bruise your green bananas, and you shall bruise His yellow bananas." Bananasis 3:14, 15 +++Gravebuster --==DOINK!==-- MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 12/13/93 AT 08:43:01 Message # 343. Date: 04/24/93. Time: 11:05:02. Read 97 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : To Promote Better Argumentation PERMIFIED It has come to my attention that all of us need a proper understanding of certain terms to make our endless arguments easier. These certain terms all have to do with the various ways that we arrive at our conclusions, and thus indicate from what perspectives we argue. We should all pay close attention to the following terms and use them consistent with their defintions: "I KNOW"-- A sentence prefaced by this term indicates at one time you have acquired empirical, observable facts, but in the intervening time you have obviously distorted and confused the facts with other mental meanderings of your memory, and have yet to discover how out of touch you have become with reality. "I THINK"-- A sentence prefaced by this term indicates that you have reached a conclusion through a logical, rational process which was obviously beyond your mental capacity, but, being as arrogant as you obviously are, you could not bring yourself to ask someone more capable of clear thinking to provide a more correct answer than your mental limitations would allow. "I HEARD" or "I READ"-- A sentence prefaced by either of these terms indicates that you are passing along information that you acquired through the media or conversation, information that is at best filtered, if not incomplete, botched, biased, or just outright wrong, and you can't see that we laugh at how you swallowed such guff and expect us to join you in your mental suicide. "I BELIEVE"-- A sentence prefaced by this term indicates a firm persuasion, either religious or philosophical, based on analysis of evidence that may not have anything to do with the conclusion you made or have any basis in reality, but since you have decided to blind yourself with this perspective, you obviously are not interested in being bothered by facts. "I FEEL" or "IT SEEMS TO ME"-- A sentence prefaced by either of these terms indicates an emotional or intuitive conclusion that may have more to do with how food passes through your bowels, or how you associate some long ago irrelevant event with the present argument, or how preoccupied you are with some potential hot date for tonight, than it does with anything that the other person actually posted, and that you would have been better off not saying anything at all than to say what you said and prove how stupid you are. "I HAVE A GUT FEELING"-- A sentence prefaced by this term indicates that you are deluded beyond all hope, and probably connotes some irrational belief that you receive messages from cosmic forces or beings, and makes it obvious that it would be in our best interest to take you out back and shoot you to put you out of your misery. "I DON'T KNOW"-- This term discloses a complete openness about the immense stupidity of oneself and human beings in general, and thus such confession is forbidden in any conversation on this board for fear that you would shake the rest of us from our favorite misperceptions. Thus, any use of this term will lead to a complete loss of access to this and all other electronic bulletin boards, and you shall be forever blacklisted as a pariah and consigned to imaginary annihilation. Please adopt these terms and definitions for all your arguments in future posts. If there are any questions, they can wait. +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 12/13/93 AT 08:43:42 Comments : HAHAHA=24 DOINK=1 Message # 344. Date: 10/23/93. Time: 15:17:46. Read 77 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : Ultimate Pizza PERMIFIED For this game, you need a dining room cleared of all objects and furniture with the walls and floors scrubbed and rinsed clean enough to eat off. Personal sized pizzas generally work better; however, the larger the pizza, the more people can participate in the game, although stadium pizzas are a bit too unwieldy. All participants must wear sanitary shoes and clothing, and must bring their own spatulas. Spatulas are particularly important. I suggest each player invest in an industrial strength plastic spatula, with a square-foot wide flat surface. These can be ordered at any decent department store. This game is played similarly to Ultimate Frisbee with a few exceptions. For those not familiar with the game, you've definitely need a life. Please contact your local life store and see what they have available. This game is fast-paced and pits two teams against each other using spatula tossing skills. Each team tries to gain possession of the pizza and toss it to a player standing against their goal wall. Points are scored for every goal made. The referee (yes, there's a referee, because every game needs a lightning rod) tosses a slice of pepperoni to see which team gets possession first and which team gets to choose sides. Each team's goal walls are on opposite ends of the room. Each team starts off with one hand and one foot against the wall opposite their goal wall. When the lightning rod, uh, referee blows his whistle, the team with possession of the pizza moves the pizza forward by tossing it from spatula to spatula. The pizza can only be moved by spatula. No player is allowed to run with the pizza, or to move the pizza by any other method. A goal is scored by a playing who leans against a goal wall and has spatulified the pizza. The team with the most points after thirty minutes wins. The rules and definitions listed below apply to the game. 1. "Spatulify" means to receive a pizza on your spatula. 2. The referee determines possession of the pizza by which team last spatulified the pizza. 3. Possession of the pizza changes when: a. One team fails to spatulify the pizza. This is called an "incomplete." This occurs whenever the pizza touches the floor. b. The pizza goes out of bounds. This occurs whenever the pizza touches any of the walls, including the goal walls. 4. After an incomplete or out of bounds, the referee will bring the pizza back into play in the center of the room. 5. The pizza can be blocked and intercepted only as a player tries to spatulify it. Once a player spatulifies the pizza, the other team may not take away the pizza by touching, shoving, punching, kicking, bombing or otherwise physically assaulting the player with the pizza, or by trying to spatulify the pizza away from the player with the pizza. 6. If two players spatulify the pizza at the same time, the lightning rod, uh, referee calls time and examines the spatulas underneath the pizza. If the spatulas overlap, the referee applies the laws of superposition and gives possession to the team with the spatula on top. If the spatulas do not overlap, the referee gives possession to the team who last spatulifed the pizza. 7. The pizza must be moved by spatulification. No handling, or footsying, or carrying on the back, or mouthing, or draping over the head or transporting the pizza by any means other than the spatulas. 8. A team may attempt to score a goal by having one player eat the entire pizza. This will include any toppings that will, in all probability, be on the floor and walls. The one player, and only the one player, must eat the entire pizza with its toppings or be expelled from the game to the nearest sushi bar. 9. The lightning rod, uh, referee may change the possession of the pizza because of bad sportsmanship. +++Gravebuster --==OBFUSCATE==-- MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY HACK MAN ON 12/13/93 AT 08:45:38 Comments : HAHAHA=1 OBFUSCATED=42 PROMOTE ME=4 Message # 345. Date: 01/31/91. Time: 21:42:09. Read 108 Times. From : Gizmo To : all Subj : top tens TOP 10 COOL THINGS ABOUT THE DRUIDS 10. They used Stonehenge for their ceremonies 9. They regarded oak and mistletoe as sacred 8. They wore scary-looking hooded robes 7. They said "please" and "thank you" before and after human sacrifice 6. They studied the flights of birds to predict the future without the aid of a daily syndicated horoscope column 5. They kept hot drinks hot, cool drinks cool 4. They made fun of Roman soldiers wearing skirts 3. They sometimes worshipped a gaint statue of Ray Charles 2. They claimed to be "born to lose" 1. They died out in the early fifth century/they partied like it was 1999(tie) TOP TEN COURSES FOR ATHELETES AT SMU 10. Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Pal 9. The First 30 Pages of A Tale of Two Cities: Foundation of a Classic 8. Sandwhich-making (final project required) 7. Alumni-owned Hotels, Restaurants and Car Dealerships: The Interlocking Economy 6. Pre-Law Seminar: Age of Consent in the 50 States 5. The Denny's Menu: Recent Discoveries 4. The Bunny and the Wolf: Hand Shadow Workshop 3. Draw Winky 2. From First Love to Looker: The Films in Which Susan Dey Appears Naked 1. The Poetry of Hank Stram LIBYA'S TOP TEN DEROGATORY TERMS FOR AMERICANS 10. Imperialist Pigs 9. Yankee Jackals 8. Milkshake-Swilling Devils 7. Bowling-Addicted Hyenas 6. Fess Parkers 5. Steak-Gorged Gunslingers 4. Red-White-and-Goofies 3. Hedge-Trimming Elvis-Lovers 2. Beardless Buick Jockeys 1. Golfshoe Geeks TOP TEN DISADVANTAGES OF WINNING A NOBEL PRIZE: 10. Have to get kissed by herring-breathed King Olaf 9. Automatically disqualifies you from being contestant on "Jeopardy" 8. Dangling medallion could get caught in open blender 7. More junk mail from fly-by-night award-polishing services 6. Distant relatives pestering you for free advice on particle physics 5. Have to get in embarrassing kickline at end of ceremony with other winners 4. Friends always borrowing medal for 10% discount at participating Red Lobsters 3. Run-ins with gangs of Pulitzer Prize winners usually ends up in a brawl 2. Sarcasm of postman when he says, "here's your new copy of Big Jugs magazine, Mr. Nobel Laureate." 1. Don't see a dime from Mattel Nobel Prize Action figures TOP TEN DUTIES OF DAVID LETTERMAN'S ASSISTANT, LAURIE DIAMOND: 10. Call Mom on major holidays and play tape of me wishing her the best 9. Reserve steam room for my weekly current events discussion with Mike Tyson 8. Apologize to guests from night before 7. Keep me updated on what's happening in "Marmaduke" comic strip 6. Research retail price of gifts given to me by staffers 5. Scan lost & found columns for any sign of the monkey-fur jumpsuit 4. Steam uncanceled stamps off fan mail 3. Some minor surgery 2. Monitor Italian sex magazines for any mention of me 1. Help me get my money back from those liars over at Tastee-Freeze BATMAN'S TOP 10 PET PEEVES: 10. After dramatic entrance at scene of crime, having to convince everybody he's not a professional wrestler. 9. When you can see the outline of his underwear through the Bat suit. 8. Punks who gather around and smart off while he's getting gas for the Batmobile. 7. Nuclear power source for utility belt has rendered him sterile. 6. When really stupid people shout out, "Hey, Where's Tonto?" 5. When dry cleaner accidently switches Bat suit and San Diego Chicken costume. 4. When an episode focuses way too much on Jake (Oh, I'm sorry. That's one of the pet peeves of the "Fatman") 3. Seeing Alfred the butler talking to Albert Goldman. 2. The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a piece of cardboard can summon him at night. 1. When people call him ">The< Batman." It's just "Batman," damn it! TOP 10 FEARS OF SNUGGLES THE FABRIC SOFTENER BEAR: 10. Might someday have to chew own leg off to escape from lint trap. 9. Sleeping in laundry basket exposes him to attack by housecats. 8. He may wind up in a washer with Al Sharpton's undershirts. 7. People will find out about that mauled camper back in '78. 6. Excess softener will leave him unable to perform as a male. 5. First wife Joey Heatherton will write book claiming he beat her regularly. -ooh will get drunk at family gathering and start loudly suggesting that >he< should be the Fabric Softener Bear. 3. Something might happen to George Bush. 2. Company doctors will perform some kind of surgery to insure he remains "snuggly" forever. 1. The Pillsbury Doughboy will ask him to poke lower. TOP 10 AMISH PICKUP LINES: 10. Are thee at barn-raisings often? 9. If our religion didn't forbid the use of telephones, I would ask thee for thy number. 8. Can I buy thee a buttermilk colada? 7. You've really got the build for that plain bonnet and shapeless black dress! 6. Say, my favorite movie is "Witness" too! 5. Are thee a model? 4. There are so many phonies at these quilting bees. Let's go someplace quiet. 3. Thy buggy has a bitchin' lacquer job. 2. I got Sinatra tickets. 1. Are thee up for some plowing? TOP 10 LEAST POPULAR FAIRY TALES: 10. The Gingerbread Man Chews Off His Own Leg to Get Out of a Bear Trap 9. Geraldo and Gretel 8. The Ugly Duckling Who Had Liposuction and Cheek Implants 7. The Little Old Lady Who Lived in Al Sharpton's Hair 6. Dr. Campo and the Magic Beans 5. Mike Tyson Whips the Hell Out of the Little People 4. Scrappy, the Very Contagious Monkey 3. George Bush Won't Raise Taxes 2. The Little Engine that Occasionally Couldn't 1. Goldilocks and the Tainted Clams TOP 10 CAMPAIGNE PROMISES GEORGE BUSH IS SORRY HE MADE: 10. To use Star Wars satellites to give everybody free HBO 9. To bite head off rat at first press conference 8. To bomb France back to the Stone Age 7. To get to the bottom of this whole Bigfoot thing 6. To appease tobacco lobby by always having picture taken with cigarrete in his mouth 5. To deflower Brook Shields on board the space shuttle ATLANTIS 4. To dispose of radioactive waste through the Home Shopping Network 3. At summit with Soviets, to try "pull my finger" trick on Gorbachev 2. To bring more lightweight pretty-boys into the executive branch 1. To reveal during inaugural address the whereabouts of Elvis TOP 10 REASONS TO TAKE ALGEBRA 2 WITH ALLAN HAYASHI AT C.I.H.S. 10. Warm place to sit during the cold months 9. Get to hear stories from teacher that having nothing to do with math 8. Beats World Civilizations class 7. Teacher is easy about late work 6. Legal to bring sharp objects such as compasses for hidden purposes 5. Teacher does all the problems on the board--no homework 4. Shadow animals on overhead projector 3. The chesty babe who sits in front of you 2. The bowl that the teacher collects previously chewed gum in 1. Oriental dishes prepared each Friday in authentic Wok. TOP 10 CHRISTMAS MOVIES IN TIMES SQUARE: 10. Hot Buttered Elves 9. Santa's Magic Lap 8. Babes in Boyland 7. Crisco Kringle 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '90 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim 3. Santa Goes 'Round-the-World 2. The Nutcracker Swede 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not my Nose like em? ___ ___ ___Gizmo___ MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/13/93 AT 10:10:25 Comments : ZZZZZZZ=100 BOG ME=2 Message # 346. Date: 05/03/91. Time: 21:43:02. Read 101 Times. From : Dr. Ed To : All you lovely peoples Subj : Final Examination Final Examinations Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit -- 4 hours. Begin immediately. History: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philisophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific. Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes to complete this excercise. Public Speaking: 2,500 riot-crazed Aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek. Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary system. Prove your thesis. Music: Write a piano concierto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat. Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea. Support , 6Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Suport your evaluation with quotations f¸*WÁE3¬Á MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/13/93 AT 10:15:57 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 347. Date: 05/03/91. Time: 21:53:20. Read 3 Times. From : Dr. Ed To : Dr. Ed Subj : Final Examination PRIVATE RECEIVED your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate. Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct a experiment to test your theory. Management Science: Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a general algorithm to optimize all manegerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs. Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered hunting rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted into the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision. Political Science: There is a red telephone sitting on your desk. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any. Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your decision. Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics and science. Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought. General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific. Extra Credit: Define the universe; give three examples. rograms. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/13/93 AT 10:16:09 Comments : HAHAHA=1 HUH?=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 348. Date: 07/02/91. Time: 11:26:05. Read 79 Times. From : SKURKEY To : Gizmo Subj : Another Riddle RECEIVED YOU ARE REPULSIVE. No one or animal helped him. His legs (gag) are still intact. He didn't eat any beans. The rope wasn't made out of cotton. The noose wasn't adjustable. There wasn't a flood. No chair was used. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/13/93 AT 10:19:00 Comments : NO WAY!=1 OBFUSCATED=1 BOG ME=2 Message # 349. Date: 07/02/91. Time: 03:05:31. Read 80 Times. From : HACK MAN To : NOBODY Subj : DOWNLOADED THIS ONE TODAY. One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan. His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms, including the government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply: We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly." As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government: Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish title to be claimed back further than I have done it. I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portugese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus' voyage before she sold her jewels to help him. Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I hope the hell you're satisfied." (Reprinted from the Empire State Surveyor, New York Society of Professional Surveyors, November 1990. C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/13/93 AT 10:20:35 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 350. Date: 07/02/91. Time: 03:19:19. Read 89 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : ONE MORE NEW ONE FEMALE ANALYSIS Women--Chemical Analysis Element: Women Symbol: WO Discovered by: ADAM Atomic Weight: Average expected as 118, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100 to 160, with highly radioactive occurrences at 250 and better (avoid at all costs). Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas. (except the general location referred to as POUGHKEEPSIE) Chemical Properties: 1. Possesses great affinity for Gold(Au), silver(Ag), platinum(Pt), and precious and semi-precious stones and minerals. 2. Capable of absorbing great quantities of expensive substances. 3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with male. 4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased with saturation in ethanol (alcohol). 5. Yields to pressure if applied to correct points. Mental Properties: 1. Difficult to ascertain due to the nature of the thought process that the specimen follows. a) Revamped testing procedures are under study, but projected realizations of test availability dates constantly slip. Physical Properties: 1. Surface very smooth and soft, with many interesting irregularities, usually selectively covered in painted films. a) Avoid those that apply different colored films to each fingernail. b) Some specimen will exhibit a tendency towards thick applications of films resulting in eyes that look like they are bulging out of there heads. Beware this variety as they may be prone to cracking resulting in a realization of what you see ain't what you get or lead poisoning. 2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason. 3. Melts if given proper treatment. 4. Bitter if used incorrectly. 5. Found in various states in nature, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. 6. Selective specimens have pleasant aroma. 7. Warm to hold. Capable of warming other objects it is held close to.(at times causing overheating. Uses: 1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 2. Most powerful reducing agent of money known. 3. Can aid in relaxation. 4. Some versions capable of brightening the day. 5. Can be used to stimulate the heart muscle of a male for what ever reason. a) Use with CAUTION. Positive and Negative results have been obtained for a given stimuli depending on version. 6. Some instrumental for starting GLOBAL WARFARE. 7. Making dinner reservations. 8. Excellent memories for tasks that males generally forget. 9. With a minimum of flattery it is possible to get versions to perform trivial tasks. Tests: 1. Pure specimens turn rosy if discovered in natural state. 2. Turns bright green if placed beside better specimen. 3. Become coy when confronted with truth. Caution: 1. Highly dangerous in inexperienced hands. 2. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, in spite of the fact that specimens can and do obtain possession of more than one of the male gender, and, lie about it. 3. Terrible drivers. 4. Carry ear plugs to prevent ear damage due to spontaneous outbursts. 5. Known for rendering telephones into melted slag. 6. Affinity for rolling pins. 7. Generally obtain lawyers for divorce settlements, that can expand on the idea "weaker sex". C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/13/93 AT 10:21:13 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 BOG ME=2 #350. Message # 351. Date: 08/10/91. Time: 18:37:07. Read 95 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : The Complete Jeffrey Dahmer From a flyer at work... "OK you sickos! You gnew it was only a matter of time before Jeffrey Dahmer jokes would start to come out of newsrooms. The following is as complete a list of perverted Jeffrey Dahmer jokes we could get a hold of: What other charges will be filed against Dahmer? Selling Arms to Iran! What were they playing on the radio when the police entered the apartment? "The first time ever I saw your face." What did Dahmer say to the police when they arrested him? Oh, come on, have a heart! Why did he put the head in the refrigerator? To see if the light really turned off! What does the ad for Dahmer's apartment say? Roommate included - some assembly required. Did you hear that Jeffrey Dahmer got out on bond? Yeah, he put up an arm and a leg! On sale, limited time only...only $19.95...take the finest in old Wisconsin- style foods - among Jeffrey's favorite recipes: Icebox Surprise Pie Head Cheese Terry Aki Screamin' Sammy Sausage Shish-k-Bob Bobby's Bratwurst Scrambled Legs Baked Alaskan Chuck Roast Finger Sandwiches Head Lettuce Elbow Macaroni Vince Meat Handburger Bob-B-Q Barry's Back Ribs Filet O'Fred Big Mac Bill's Boil-In-The-Bag Stew Manwiches Rice-O-Ronnie Matzo Balls Peter Bread Sloppy Joe Jeffrey's Favorite Bands - Fine Young Cannibals & Talking Heads Jeffrey's Favorite Song - "Timothy" Jeffrey's Favorite Movie - "Eating Raoul" and "Diner" Jeffrey's Favorite Drink - Harvey Wallbanger +++Gravebuster --==did anyone hear Howard Stern play "The Jeffrey Dahmer" song on KLSX?==-- MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/13/93 AT 10:24:44 Message # 352. Date: 12/13/93. Time: 07:54:17. Read 63 Times. From : Ghost To : Stranger Subj : all RECEIVED PERMIFIED Would this be Wholly Chao, the chia pet from hell; the one who Grazes in the BOg? "Oh great, oh magnificent, Chao! Hide us from the evils that float! Our soles cry out to you for succotash! Jersey us not about by short tethers! But grant that we should holstein firm to our determination to stomach all particulate solids in an effort gain immorality that we may, also, be consumed and rendered worthy of your tallowed pleasance." MOVED FROM "The Peoples Republic Of Anti-Posters Embassy" BY HACK MAN ON 12/14/93 AT 08:49:23 Comments : HAHAHA=5 OBFUSCATED=1 BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 353. Date: 12/15/93. Time: 21:12:08. Read 54 Times. From : Stranger To : Tellura Subj : Uh RECEIVED PERMIFIED Ramble on, rambler! For this is the home of the roaming rambler, the legendary Dan Amster. Okay, okay, the Legendary Dan Amster has nothing to do with the subject, but it rhymed magnificently, and I didn't feel like using the word hamster, because well, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs the Obfuscabunny (our rabbit) would be jealous if I mentioned a hamster. He is has bad self-esteem. Bad for a arbbit anyway. You woulnd't think that rabbits would need self-esteem; afterall, all they do is sit around and wiggle their noses a lot. Stranger MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 12/15/93 AT 22:39:45 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BOG ME=2 Message # 354. Date: 12/06/93. Time: 19:20:02. Read 91 Times. From : Mojo IV To : All Subj : SQuishedness PERMIFIED DOCTRINE AND OPINIONS ON THE SQUISHINESS AGENDA ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ by Mojo IV, lover of blonde razors ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The BOg BIble contains 9,245,346,221,773,452.124 mentions of the word SQuish and 3.14573243643235643 mentions of the word potatoe. In any case, Carlson was wrong when he said the orc was incapable of SQuishing. That's just the way it was and he didn't know it, but sooner or later, he would, or he wouldn't, or Stranger would. 5 potatoes 3 1/2 star fleet ship recognition protocals 1 onion 5 cups of ground kitten 9 slugs (YOOOUUUU FIIIEEEEENNNNDDDD!!!) Mix it all together in a bucket and cook at 5000000000øK. Then consume immediately by injecting it into a vein in your temple. Rush Limbaugh once said "Honey, could you hand me that pair of scissors?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Chapter 42: The BOrg INcident I had met a nice alien named Oxnardus of BOrg. She was running a newsletter and convinced me that my first attempt at show biz, SLUG TREK, could be really really really big. So, I gave it to her, and she printed it. After that, I awoke one morning with a cybernetic gastropod and a chord running out of my nose. I was slightly upset. So I enroled in a tapdancing class and began dreaming of my next scheme to RULE THE WORL... ummm, explain doctrines and opinions on SQuishiness. Unfortunately, I kept getting distracted. (I'm sorry, what was I saying? Oh, yeah...) Unfortunately, I kept getting dis... ooo, she's got a nice pair.... Ummm, where was I? Yes . Unfortunately, I kept getting distracted. What with all the protests and peptic cleansing that went on, I was much to busy to get on with my work. So, I sold my soul to the devil and continued typing, oblivious to a large man in robes with a scythe standing behind me. I'd begun to lose faith in Jolt. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Chapter VI The Return of the Jedi ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Luke... the force will be with you. Always. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Chapter 666 Bahahahahahahahaha... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!! GIVE ME THAT GUN!!!! MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY Gravebuster ON 12/17/93 AT 06:10:48 Comments : HAHAHA=101 OBFUSCATED=2 BRAVO!=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 355. Date: 12/14/93. Time: 16:23:05. Read 71 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Tellura Subj : Uh RECEIVED PERMIFIED coherant sense is for ninnys. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 12/19/93 AT 23:16:33 Comments : BOG ME=1 Message # 356. Date: 12/15/93. Time: 15:22:08. Read 71 Times. From : Ghost To : Tellura Subj : Uh RECEIVED PERMIFIED We always have a General Theme. But our Major Point is left-tenant in the dust of a sneaky wish to be the Captain of the team. Nowadays, even the Sargeant at arms has lost all power over our Corporal bodies, as we strive to achieve our Private agendas. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 12/19/93 AT 23:17:13 Comments : DOINK=1 BRAVO!=1 BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 357. Date: 12/27/93. Time: 17:19:01. Read 57 Times. From : Shay Pas To : all persons bored Subj : weird... PERMIFIED As usual she sat swaying on the edge of the faded brown garage sale chair. Bored. And talking in third person about herself. In fragment sentences with bad spelling... I was watching the video for "Numb" by U2 and noticed how odd those things that were being shoved in The Edge's face...those phlanges: you know, toes. Toes are the weirdest things. They wiggle on command, but they look like independant beings as they do so. They probably look weird to me 'cause i don't pay too much attention to them. What is their function? When i think "toes" i think of people peeling bananas with them...but i know that is not their only function. Fingers are cool. There are many things to do with fingers. Toes are just there. Sure, some toes look cute when they peel bananas, but that's all i see: cute wiggling things that peel bananas. WHAT ARE THEY THERE FOR?? I've been reading _The Handmaid's Tale_ lately. The book is very eerie.. It appears to revolve around boredom: "I wait, washed, brushed, fed, like a prized pig. Sometime in the eighties they invented pig balls, for pigs who were fattened in pens. Pig balls were large colored balls; the pigs rolled them around with their snouts. The pig market- ers said this improved their muscle tone; the pigs were curious, they liked to have something to think about...I wish I had a pig ball." pg. 90 _The Handmaid's Tale_, Margret Atwood The handmaids are in a situation where boredom is an everyday thing. They are not allowed much outside (or indoor, even) contact with anything. They cherish their senses and long for communication. Thinking of their situation makes me wonder what i'm whining about. So i stop whining. Blah. MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY Ghost ON 12/28/93 AT 23:21:59 Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 BLAH=1 BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 358. Date: 12/14/93. Time: 16:23:05. Read 84 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Tellura Subj : Uh RECEIVED PERMIFIED coherant sense is for ninnys. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/29/93 AT 16:56:26 Comments : BLAH=1 BOG ME=2 Message # 359. Date: 11/28/93. Time: 20:32:50. Read 69 Times. From : Number Two To : Gravebuster Subj : Hey RECEIVED People must really think I am stupid or something..... Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY The Music Man ON 01/01/94 AT 04:01:04 Comments : WAY!=1 NO WAY!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 360. Date: 12/30/93. Time: 14:04:19. Read 65 Times. From : Gravebuster To : Phoenix Subj : The Menu RECEIVED PERMIFIED Top Ten Reasons Why Some People Would Not Be Able To Eat Bananas 10. Potassium causes people to believe President Clinton. 9. They can't handle complex choices, like whether they should choose the green bananas, the yellow bananas, or the brown, mushy bananas. 8. They can't get over the tramautic childhood experience of leaving a banana in the refrigerator overnight. 7. DNA took a shortcut in their evolution. 6. Potassium is the secret catalyst for converting ordinary human beings into sociopathic assimilators. 5. Banana peels do not go with GRRRanimals. 4. They will lecture you about how you deprived a poor Central American primate of its banana by supporting the capitalistic exploitation of third world nations. 3. They already ate a whole bunch of bananas an hour ago. Do you really expect them to eat another so soon?! 2. Bananas have been proven to be the leading cause of top ten list production. 1. Because "banana" has too many A's. +++Gravebuster --==apologies and blame to the Sonny Boys==-- MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 01/01/94 AT 16:52:31 Comments : HAHAHA=42 #360. Message # 361. Date: 01/01/94. Time: 06:56:00. Read 75 Times. From : The Music Man To : Whomever Subj : In retrospect PERMIFIED Twas the night before New Years, and all through the house not a creature was sleeping, except for a mouse. The kumquats were hanging with ease from their tree As visions of figs taunted each one with glee. And I in psychosis and doink in seclusion eased into an evening of quiet dillusion When all of a sudden I heard with a squish the sound that sounded like sounds of a fish So I followed it into a little brown jug where I promptly discovered a pitiful slug When what to my eyes do I hallucinate but 42 penguins surrounding a plate And laying dead center a slug with a bow which I recognized at once as the user Mojo. And then came the stranger, from out of nowhere with napkins and salt and some clean silverware which he layed out quite neatly in 23 rows as the penguins approached him and climbed up his nose. They disappeared quickly and stayed in there long While Hack Man appeared, singing some kind of song Which made the slug dance, and the silverware fly as the salt took for Mojo, who started to cry And the tears filled the house with a liquidy glow That had us seek refuge on Hack Man's big toe. The stranger said nothing, except maybe BLAH as he salted the mollusk and swallowed it raw, as purple neutrinos passed through us and back I consequently has a Big Mac Attack. But nothing was open, too late for fast food unless you like slugs with a slight attatude. Then all of the penguins danced out of his ear and announced that we all had just missed the new year When all of us should have been drunk and elated we realized that we were quite obfuscated And through all the meaningless pseudoconfusion we failed to see it was all an illusion the kumquats were ornaments hung from small hooks the penguins were really just computer books the slugs were just remnants of Mojo's last stay which sat in the corner in steamy decay the silverware ended up stacked in the sink the bow was just mistletoe, underneath it a Bink the purple neutrinos were only the glow of black lights reflecting off Hack Man's big toe, And here I lay sleeping and dreaming in fear Of sleeping through yet another New Year... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 01/02/94 AT 08:59:22 Comments : BRAVO!=123 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 362. Date: 10/07/93. Time: 04:02:54. Read 79 Times. From : Mestira To : All Subj : ... I WANNA BE OBFUSCATED!!! MestiraWannaBe MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 01/03/94 AT 07:12:48 Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 DOINK=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 363. Date: 05/17/91. Time: 19:42:00. Read 77 Times. From : Ubik To : DEADMAN Subj : HMM RECEIVED PERMIFIED Deadman, You are a new Discordian! Have you done your formal initiation baptism type thing yet? You have to go someplace, (bowling alleys are traditional but it can be any public place) and consume a HOT DOG on FRIDAY. thereby breaking the rules of several religions (includig discordianism) all at once. This is important stuff. Do it! Ubik Hail Eris All Hail Discordia! (chili is optional) MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY The Music Man ON 01/03/94 AT 07:31:18 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 364. Date: 10/09/93. Time: 18:19:31. Read 72 Times. From : SKURKEY To : Mestira Subj : If you insist.... RECEIVED PERMIFIED Speak for yourself. MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY The Music Man ON 01/03/94 AT 18:15:29 Comments : BOG ME=1 Message # 365. Date: 11/15/93. Time: 02:18:52. Read 79 Times. From : Number Two To : Mojo IV Subj : All RECEIVED PERMIFIED I used to live in an apartment that overlooked a gnomish ampitheatre. At night, when the leaves rustled and the wind danced, the gnomes would come out, and sit upon what they used for seat (kinda looked like sandbags. They would sit 3 or 4 to a sandbag), and drink and brag. Eventually, this would lead up to manly contest, and almost inevitably to them challenging each other to who could kill the most faeries. The faeies lived about a 1/4 mile down the creek underneath the bridge. The nomes would then issue forth in great numbers, riding captured birds and frogs (they had underwater troops that rode crayfish), and attack the faeries. In the end, they were always driven off because the faeries magic was stronger, although they were a less fiece people, but not before they suffered many causaulties, and lost many anaimals to the cruel nets of the gnomes. It was a sad thing to see, but it taught me a lot about how life really works and about how it is really hard to fight the way that things are. I really miss that place, and some night I think I might like to go back there, and sit in the shadows to see if the Gnomes still revel in the same ampitheatre. Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 01/03/94 AT 23:04:25 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 366. Date: 01/01/94. Time: 21:43:22. Read 84 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Fun for the whole family PERMIFIED (Well, I hope this works.... :) ) R E T H U M B E S S L X I K B O R M O S T R A N G E R T J X E R H S H M H O U R S E W E K I D V S Q T B O M A V T J O L C B J O O U S E I V N W R T W L N N O I T I M R A N U Q S D H U F R J X N S A S N B T H I R G R V X O P I H N T E A S W T S I A N A M H K N C V L W M G J O W Y G E V O C U A T V C D K Q I T S O H G E A R K H I E L A C M M U B E H N H S B M E J L C E A I S E J A I I I N R M J V S X V H S U A C X X Q A C O R W I N M T R Q B R E M I S G M O W T R E B M U N H L S E A D L L I M M I K E S T E R ANAIS HACKMAN SQUISH BOG JEHAN STRANGER CORWIN MIKESTER TELLURA GHOST MOJO GRAVEBUSTER NUMBERTWO HACKINTOSH PHOENIX Print out a hard copy (or get out the felt tip pen and draw on your computer screen) and find all the names listed above! (If you're not in the crossword...no slight intended! Maybe next time!) --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 01/09/94 AT 18:36:50 Comments : ZZZZZZZ=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 367. Date: 01/10/94. Time: 22:16:52. Read 64 Times. From : Mikester To : Stranger Subj : Fun for the whole family RECEIVED I should've waited! Now everyone gnows the true extent of my egocentricity. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 01/11/94 AT 13:03:04 Message # 368. Date: 01/10/94. Time: 22:18:02. Read 74 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : The Anally-Retentive Subop it's - contraction of "it is" or "it has" its - possessive form of "it" whose - possessive form of "who" or "which" who's - contraction of "who is or "who has" their - possessive form of "they" they're - contraction of "they are" there - adverb meaning "in that place" Any mistake in the above was done on purpose to test you. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 01/11/94 AT 13:03:12 Comments : WAY!=1 OBFUSCATED=1 DOINK=1 ZZZZZZZ=2 OH MY GOD!=1 Message # 369. Date: 01/11/94. Time: 19:31:18. Read 59 Times. From : Mikester To : Mikester Subj : Fun for the whole family RECEIVED PERMIFIED Gaze into the BOg, and the BOg gazes back into you. --BAronet BOg MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Stranger ON 01/11/94 AT 22:08:25 Message # 371. Date: 12/30/93. Time: 20:02:52. Read 83 Times. From : Mojo IV To : Ghost Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED I am SQuishy of BOg. You will be SQuished. Mojo is futile. =>Mojo IV<= SQuishy BOgSLug MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY HACK MAN ON 01/14/94 AT 21:55:39 Message # 372. Date: 02/05/94. Time: 00:48:18. Read 84 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : ... 665 - the neighbor of the Beast. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 02/05/94 AT 18:06:19 Message # 373. Date: 02/13/94. Time: 11:02:47. Read 63 Times. From : KEN To : Mikester Subj : WEIRD DREAM!!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED That could be the beginning of Astral projection... Try it, it might work, and once your there, drop by, DVL and I would be glad to see ya.. I REmain MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY Ghost ON 02/14/94 AT 08:15:05 Message # 374. Date: 02/07/94. Time: 23:33:23. Read 73 Times. From : Jehan To : Stranger Subj : Hi, Stranger! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Can I have some Pi a la Node, please? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 02/20/94 AT 13:09:03 Comments : HAHAHA=42 Message # 375. Date: 02/12/94. Time: 16:54:37. Read 68 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Mikester Subj : True Crime RECEIVED PERMIFIED ARGH! i was sitting on the couch listening to music, minding my own business while mom and my sister were getting their daily fix of real life (i.e. Rescue 911, Unsolved Mysteries, Hard Copy etc.) and it comes on! ARGH! As the segment delves into the deep, dark world of BBSing, their eyes get wider and wider and their stares at me increasingly incredulous. ARGH! Ma once wondered if i was hacking or phreaking...shocked the DOINK! out me (didn't even gnow she gnew what phreaking was). I sta-- The door of the t.v. room pops open and the slightly balding head of Mr. Pas pokes in. He enters and sifts through the boxes of papers and junk lying around the room, eyes steal a glance at the monitor then innocently continue to roam the room. "Shay, have you seen the can opener around here?" "Umm," I pause, feigning a desparate search for the can opener. I lift the plastic plant off the television and shake my head sympathetically. "I'm sure it'll turn up later." "Uh-hum." I begin to type some garble-dee-goop about world peace as he slowly backs out the door. Smiling to myself, i erase the goop and continue to plot the demise of American government with my Satanic buddy. Shay Pas ("Aw, ma! That kind of stuff only happens on Prodigy!") MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 02/20/94 AT 17:20:40 Comments : ARGH!=1 BLAH=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 376. Date: 02/16/94. Time: 23:30:46. Read 80 Times. From : Stranger To : All/Mojo IV/Dylord/KEN/Stranger/Mikester Subj : all RECEIVED PERMIFIED Sssshhhh, you're giving away the mysteries! You gnow what happens when people who haven't been properly initiated hear or read the mysteries! (Spontaneous orgasm over the next 72 hours.) Stranger MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 02/20/94 AT 23:41:30 Message # 377. Date: 02/13/94. Time: 22:50:55. Read 70 Times. From : Acdha Rmiss To : Stranger Subj : is getting kicked off twice in a row a sign that i shouldn't post this? RECEIVED PERMIFIED I personally think we should start a Retreat Theme-park: Doinklyland! MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY HACK MAN ON 02/21/94 AT 02:04:35 Message # 378. Date: 02/16/94. Time: 15:29:43. Read 68 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Hackintosh Subj : i'll get you my pretty! PERMIFIED Hackintosh, i shall strangle you. i will take my mouse cord and wrap it thrice around your CPU. i will rip out your math coprocessor pin by pin. you can beg and plead, but the words "uncle," "mercy," and "aunt Sally" are on Sassy's list of words gone out of style; therefore, not in my vocab. whazza matta, 'tosh? are my words too potent and weird even for the Weird Board? notice the almost perfect spelling in this post? it's like that because i'm writing off-line; you kicked me off! at first it was funny..."half-fast logoff" ha ha ha. now, i'm taking this personally. I, Shaiden Jamais Pas, declare war on you! While not nessesarily increasing in volume, my weird obscure silly incoherant rambling posts shall increase in weirdness tenfold! By the power vested in me as No-One Of Severe Consequence, i proclaim this war Begun. Your Devoted Nemesis, Shay Pas MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY HACK MAN ON 02/21/94 AT 02:08:50 Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 379. Date: 02/22/94. Time: 00:35:45. Read 85 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Bad Poetry 'R' Us PERMIFIED Roos, roos Give me the news, Life has been giving me Nothin' but the blues Roos, roos Don't you refuse This feeling that crushes me I desperately need to lose Hopping away on pneumatic legs Leaving behind the world's dregs Leaving me behind to beg To please take me along Obfuscating through the maddening pack Oblivious to those who stick to facts Leaving me behind only to "Ack!" And ask, to please take me along Roos, roos, I only wish That I could just sit and fish But all I can do in this place where I am Is just sit and SQuish For, Roos, if you hear me now, Though I don't gnow exactly how, Pneumatically I shall someday rise And hop away, never again to bow. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 02/22/94 AT 12:28:15 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Stranger ON 02/22/94 AT 20:23:23 Comments : HAHAHA=1 DOINK=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 380. Date: 03/05/94. Time: 03:56:09. Read 83 Times. From : NiP To : Mikester Subj : Now it can be archived. RECEIVED PERMIFIED regarding log of multiple factoids::: MESSAGE HEADER ERROR NO CARRIER the next day... Message # 1 Date: 03/06/94. Time: 23:07:40. Read 4 Times. From : HACK MAN To : MIKESTER / MOJO IV Subj : BLAH Private THE PNEUMATIC ROOS MESSAGE FILE WAS CORRUPTED. WHEN I RAN MY MESSAGE HEADER FIX ROUTINE, I RAN INTO A LITTLE BUG I OVERLOOKED. I ASSUMED IT WOULD TAKE AN HOUR OR SO FOR IT TO FINISH SO I LEFT THE COMPUTER TO DO OTHER THINGS. WHEN I RETURNED, MUCH LATER, THE FIX WAS STILL RUNNING WHEN IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE. THE BUG CAUSED THE PNEUMATIC ROO MESSAGE FILE TO BE FILLED WITH A CONTINUOUS STRING OF SPACE CHARACTERS. I RESTARTED THE PNEUMATIC ROO SUB FROM SCRATCH. SORRY GUYS. I'M SURE IT WILL EVENTUALLY FILL UP WITH NUMEROUS POSTS AGAIN. I HOPE THIS DOESN'T CAUSE TOO MUCH TROUBLE. SINCERELY, HM (Pneumatic Roos) Sub op: Mikejo / Mojister 4 Messages From <1-4> Time = 5128. Doink? : - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 03/07/94 AT 22:30:15 #380. Message # 381. Date: 03/08/94. Time: 20:28:19. Read 75 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Your horoscope PISCES: Love is only a phone call away -- unfortunately, it's a 976 number. ARIES: Your life takes a turn for the better, until you take that ill-fated plane trip. TAURUS: You will lose an important part of your body in a boating accident. GEMINI: Leather goods, pulleys, intricate knots, and livestock will begin to play greater roles in your romantic life. CANCER: An old friend will return to your life, looking for that ten bucks you owe him. LEO: You will be swept into the arms of a mysterious lover, who will take you on exciting trips to foreign lands, flinging yourselves from one fast-paced dangerous and erotic adventure to another, until you find yourself naked in a hotel room in Fairfax, VA, with all of your traveller's checks missing. VIRGO: Pretty much business as usual, except look out for one-legged men with big hats offering you deals on mass quantities of fish. LIBRA: You will spend the entire week measuring things. SCORPIO: Career opportunities abound -- for all of your friends, who take great delight in telling you about their wonderful high-paying jobs. SAGITTARIUS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! CAPRICORN: You will pick the correct numbers in the lottery, but this will be the week you neglect to buy a ticket. AQUARIUS: You will hang around with a group of poorly dressed teenagers, singing songs about your hair. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 03/09/94 AT 22:06:02 Comments : HAHAHA=23 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 382. Date: 03/09/94. Time: 22:11:50. Read 78 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : HACK MAN 220: MIKESTER'S 203 IS ACTUALLY #223 221: MIKESTER'S 204 IS ACTUALLY #224 222: THERE ACTUALLY ARE TWO #205'S C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 03/11/94 AT 10:26:51 Comments : HAHAHA=4 OBFUSCATED=1 BRAVO!=6 BOG ME=1 Message # 383. Date: 03/21/94. Time: 02:40:24. Read 65 Times. From : Arwen Undomiel To : Mikester Subj : MOre SQuishiness RECEIVED PERMIFIED What would it take to acheive a state of SQuishy-ness? Must one consciously SQuish? Can an individual be a SQuish-conscientious Objector? Or conscientiously object to SQuish? Can I SQuish pandimensionally? Is my son SQuishy if he enjoys sitting in a SQuishily spoiled diaper? Does the Mark of the Swirl on his head mean anything SQuishy? Is long- distance phone SQuishing as much fun as the physical alternative? Can I be SQuishy even if other SQuishy individuals don't appreciate me, or think that I am anti-SQuish (which couldn't be further from the SQuish, and the SQuish is, of course, the Truth)? Arwen p.s.: Doink-SQuish! MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 03/24/94 AT 21:32:36 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 384. Date: 03/20/94. Time: 22:35:23. Read 77 Times. From : Stranger To : NiP Subj : - EVIL - RECEIVED PERMIFIED Did you just realize that human society is made of primate pack hierarchies? Stranger MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 03/24/94 AT 21:33:25 Message # 385. Date: 03/16/94. Time: 23:12:20. Read 87 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Guess who's been playing Infocom games? PERMIFIED The BOg of Eternal Stench An interactive text adventure (c) 1985 by ><-ilecom. (Restoring saved position.) (Okay.) HALL, NORTH END You are at the north end of a north-south hall. There is a closed door to your east. The door is locked. The key turns with a satisfying click. The door creaks open, revealing beyond it a small cluttered room. SMALL ROOM You enter a somewhat cluttered room, where Stranger is sitting on what may have once been a couch. He lifts a mug in your direction in greeting. "Hi! C'mon in!" The only exit is to the west. "Hi!" (Which accident do you mean - the boating accident, or the fork accident?) "That wasn't an accident," replies Stranger with a gleam in his eye. Stranger takes a drink from his mug, and looks at you expectantly. There is nothing but dust there. There's no room - Stranger is sitting on the only safe part of the couch. SMALL ROOM You enter a somewhat cluttered room, where Stranger is sitting on what may have once been a couch. The only exit is to the west. "'Bye!" Stranger calls out. HALL, NORTH END You are at the north end of a north-south hall. There is an open door to your east. You are carrying a key a fish a credit card (not yours) a Hardy Boys coloring and activity book a BOg MUshroom a "Lidsville" lunchpail it looks like the lunchpail contains a toupee HALL You are halfway through a north-south hall. There is an aquarium here. There is a window to your west. (I don't know the word "thorugh") All you see through the window are the vast rolling waves of the BOg. HALL, SOUTH END You are at the south end of a north-south hall. There are closed doors to your east and south. Opened. BATHROOM In this room are all the things you expect to find in a bathroom. You don't need to. You're already there. HALL, SOUTH END You are at the south end of a north-south hall. There is a closed door to your east and an open door to your south. Opened. BOg You are sucked mercilessly into the rolling and crushing waves of the BOg. You lose all sense of direction as you are tossed about. You try to fight the waves of the BOg, but to no avail. You try to fight the waves of the BOg, but to no avail. You try to fight the waves of the BOg, but to no avail. You ease into the rhythms of the BOg, finding yourself able to navigate the waves. BOg. You BOb upon the now gentle waves of the BOg. To your west, you see the very small house that rests upon one of the more stable portions of the BOg. To your south, you see a vast figure darkly looming over that portion of the BOg. Nondescript waves of the BOg roll in every other direction. You BOb slowly to the south, coming closer to the giant figure that looms to the south. Nondescript waves of the BOg roll in every other direction. As you BOb ahead, the vast figure dips its mighty bearded head, as if finally noticing you. It bends down, allowing its prehensile beard to grasp you and lift you out of the BOg. The figure's huge eyes focus upon you, and you know that you are soon to shuffle off the mortal coil. The figures flings his head backwards, tossing you into the farthest reaches of the BOg SEa, so remote that you will never find your way back to safety, and no amount of BObbing or RIding will sustain your existence. *****You have died***** You scored 3.14159 out of a possible 100 points. This gives you a ranking of "BOg URchin." Would you like to play again? (yes or no) Thank you for playing! See you soon! MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 03/29/94 AT 20:38:18 Comments : HAHAHA=101 OBFUSCATED=23 BRAVO!=134 ZZZZZZZ=1 PROMOTE ME=9 Message # 386. Date: 02/24/94. Time: 23:29:43. Read 84 Times. From : Stranger To : Zoloft Subj : RECEIVED uh ... er ... Strange! MOVED FROM "Love" BY HACK MAN ON 03/30/94 AT 01:12:25 Message # 387. Date: 03/12/93. Time: 19:06:56. Read 70 Times. From : THE MUSIC MAN To : Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED If it weren't for "weird", we would all understand what eachother and the world would be a much nicer place to live in! Unfortunately, everybody's weird! MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY Ghost ON 04/03/94 AT 08:58:22 Message # 389. Date: 04/03/94. Time: 22:49:19. Read 78 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : A Roos Quiz! I hope you've been paying attention! Please place all books and bags under your desk. You have thirty minutes. 1. Stranger lost his ________ in a boating accident. a. spleen b. penis c. big toe d. toupee 2. It's all one big ______. a. pile o'stuff b. mess c. thing d. toe 3. Which of the following is NOT found on Mikester's head? a. a toupee b. foil c. a big ol' floppy rave hat d. the number "665" 4. "Stranger ______." a. ><-rated b. ><-ile c. ><-tra large d. ><-Men 5. Which of these words does NOT belong? a. doink b. SQuish c. bink d. ack! 6. "I ________." a. Reprimand b. Remainder c. Reverberate d. Remain 7. In the space following, list the first 100,000 digits of Pi. 8. Identify the SQuishy BOgSLug. a. HACK MAN b. Nipsey Russell c. Mojo IV d. Mikester 9. To obfuscate is a. divine b. confusing c. illegal in some countries d. to obfuscate 10. "Be ________ you?" a. seeing b. tickling c. stapling d. running away from 11. Which is the better computer? a. IBM b. Mac c. What possible difference does it make? 12. Pink Floyd is a. a great band b. not the same since Roger Waters left c. on tour this year d. still together!? No way! 13. Tip the bell captain how much? a. This much b. $1.98 c. DOINK! d. Uh...I'm a little short right now.... 14. Which one? a. 23 b. 42 c. 24-7 d. 3.14159 15. The Retreat is a. in Camarillo b. in all our hearts, and thus can never die c. usually busy when I try to call d. odd. Very odd. 16. This quiz is a. pointless b. very nice, except for the margins in question #15 c. very quizzical d. finally over Please turn your papers over when you are done. They will be collected after everyone is done taking the test. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 04/04/94 AT 12:33:24 Comments : NO WAY!=1 HAHAHA=1 Message # 390. Date: 01/25/94. Time: 17:11:22. Read 78 Times. From : KEN To : Stranger Subj : How weird... RECEIVED PERMIFIED If you post them they will come.. I Remain MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 04/06/94 AT 19:27:23 Comments : HAHAHA=100 PROMOTE ME=1 #390. Message # 391. Date: 03/30/94. Time: 10:30:36. Read 66 Times. From : Oxnardus To : Mikester Subj : Conspiracy! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Pardon me while I ska-weel. SKA-WEEEEEEEL. Oxnardus MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 04/06/94 AT 22:18:49 Comments : BOG ME=1 Message # 392. Date: 03/25/94. Time: 01:19:02. Read 73 Times. From : Stranger To : Paranoids Subj : The Epistle to the Paranoids PERMIFIED - - Lord Omar 1. Ye have locked yerselves up in cages of fear--and, behold, do ye now complain that ye lack FREEDOM! 2. Ye have cast out yer brothers for devils and now complain ye, lamenting, that ye've been left to fight alone. 3. All Chaos was once yer kingdom; verily, held ye dominion over the entire Pentaverse, but today ye wax sore afraid in dark corners, nooks, and sink holes. 4. O how the darknesses do crowd up, one against the other, in ye hearts! What fear ye more that what ye have wroughten? 5. Verily, verily I say unto you, not all the Sinister Ministers of the Bavarian Illuminati, working together in multitudes, could so entwine the land with tribulation as have yer baseless warnings. Stranger MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 04/06/94 AT 22:21:20 Message # 393. Date: 03/20/94. Time: 23:26:25. Read 83 Times. From : Mikester To : NiP Subj : money RECEIVED PERMIFIED HOW TO GET MONEY by Dr. Mikester 1. Buy yourself a really good printing press, and make your own 2. Rob that 7-11 that's down the street 3. Write a shareware program ... HAHA! Just kidding! 4. Get a job, for God's sake 5. Become a crooked politician 6. Hack into your place of employment's computer payroll records, and have all the 1/2 cents dropped off of everybody's paycheck added onto yours, like Richard Pryor's character did in "Superman III" 7. Become a teacher ... HAHA! Kidding again! 8. Don't rule out male prostitution 9. Nude housecleaning (don't laugh...I saw a news report on a guy working his way through law school doing this) 10. Sell all your comic books (I, of course, would never do this) 11. Find all those lost pets out there and collect the reward money 12. Steal it from those guys in front of grocery stores collecting for charity...of course, you'll go to hell, but hey, stuff happens 13. Protection money. Works for me 14. Lose your penis in a boating accident, and watch that insurance money pour in 15. Hang out outside liquor stores the day after lotto numbers are drawn, and beat up anybody who looks like they may be coming to cash in their winning tickets, which, of course, you'll remove from their bleeding and battered bodies 16. Check behind the cushions of every couch in the county MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 04/06/94 AT 22:23:32 Comments : ZZZZZZZ=1 Message # 394. Date: 03/30/94. Time: 00:27:26. Read 68 Times. From : HACK MAN To : NiP Subj : money RECEIVED PERMIFIED SO YOU WANT TO RAISE MANY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS RIGHT AWAY: (BY H. MAN) A: VOLUNTEER FOR MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS. (SELL A KIDNEY (CAN I HAVE YOUR LIVER?)) B: SUDDENLY REMEMBER ABOUT A LITTLE WEEKEND THAT YOU SPENT WITH MICHAEL JACKSON. C: SELL YOUR OWN CALLING CARD NUMBER. (IT MAY BE NECESSARY TO DECLARE BANKRUPTCY AT A LATER DATE.) D: SELL YOUR BODY, AND/OR SELL YOURSELF INTO SLAVERY. (DEPENDING ON HOW GOOD LOOKING YOU ARE.) E: INVENT THE "HULA HOOP / PET ROCK" OF THE 90'S. F: DISCOVER COLD FUSION IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR. G: EXPERIMENT WITH COLOR COPIERS. H: CLAIM THAT YOU ARE A FORMER BOYFRIEND OF LORENA BOBBIT AND SELL YOUR STORY TO "HARD COPY." (IF THEY ASK FOR PHYSICAL PROOF THIS SOLUTION COULD BE QUITE PAINFUL.) I: FIND THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE HIDDEN UNDERNEATH A PICTURE OF DOGS PLAYING POKER. J: PLAY CRAPS AND WIN ABOUT 10 TIMES IN A ROW. K: SPRING JOHN GOTTI LOOSE FROM JAIL. L: POUR CRAZY GLUE INTO THE LOCK ON THE BACK DOOR OF SOME ARMORED CAR (WHILE THE DOOR IS OPEN) AND THEN FOLLOW THEM AROUND AS THEY GO OVER SPEED BUMPS. C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 04/06/94 AT 22:23:54 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 395. Date: 03/24/94. Time: 22:13:54. Read 74 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Stranger Subj : Posti Propagandista RECEIVED PERMIFIED "BRAVO!=100" The Embassy fills with the storming cries of Truth. "Silence is Death!" "Choose or Lose!" "No-One Can Post Just Once!" read some of the signs. They march as haphazardly as they post, yet they march with heart. They march metaphorically. They march together, young and not-so-young, weird and not-so-weird all the time gnowing who they as a COLLECTIVE and as individuals were inside: a collage of everone else and then some. They marched waving Dictionaries to help in their expression of their minds, pitch forks to pitch the Hey!s thrown at them and keep brown haired comic book people at bay, and a voice. A voice that screamed sung whispered Truth and reason. It lulled the un-pacified and sirened the new users that like to TREK into imagination. The voice screams sings whispers for more minds to satisfy its unsatisfiable thirst for . Shaiden Jamais Pas, Weirdo Extraordinaire MOVED FROM "The Peoples Republic Of Anti-Posters Embassy" BY HACK MAN ON 04/08/94 AT 19:52:11 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 396. Date: 04/10/94. Time: 10:13:51. Read 56 Times. From : NIp To : Dylord Subj : New to Board RECEIVED PERMIFIED Quality not quantity -- always. Û Look, Ma! No verbs! Û MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Stranger ON 04/10/94 AT 12:28:38 Message # 397. Date: 04/11/94. Time: 12:59:08. Read 63 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Stranger Subj : A Roos Quiz! RECEIVED PERMIFIED i also thinked: chuck articles. but: articles be of use. "the" and "a" distinguish nouns different. berid "an," though. this language behave not inflections... bemake the language simple for the voices synthetic. (and the voices of aliens monotonous.) Shay Pas MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 04/13/94 AT 10:45:00 Comments : HAHAHA=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 Message # 398. Date: 04/10/94. Time: 14:12:09. Read 71 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Mikester Subj : A Roos Quiz! RECEIVED PERMIFIED i think that we do need a simpler language. this language need only be used for interstellar communication and stuff :) using whatever language i'd chuck the silly verb conjugation stuff. so to walk: i walk you walk Much simpler, no? s/he walk we walk E.T. had the right idea. y'all walk it walk in past tense, just add "-ed" to everything. the "-ed" would sound as it did in the olden days: walked=> wahk ED. that takes care of when the "-ed" suffix would have sounded gross. to negate a sentence, just slap a "not" after the verb. "I walked not." Wayne and Garth had the right idea, too. on another note, i'd revamp the "like" comparison. and keep "like" and the like a verb. example: You smell like a horse. What impression might this give to a literal-minded alien? "You have the olfactoric ability of an equestrian"? should be: You have the scent of a horse. ^the real verb Words make not sense. i gnow that: things be not: perfect. But i think that: things canbe simpler. is it that: you agree? :) Shay Pas (i readed an article of what you speaked of [word origins weird]. alas, i have not the article on my person.) MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 04/13/94 AT 10:46:05 Message # 399. Date: 01/29/94. Time: 02:09:46. Read 62 Times. From : Muffin Man To : Gravebuster Subj : Hands and Feet On Experience RECEIVED PERMIFIED ssssssssssss ty5ew /;sdsae C'k bcnXXXt IJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJKMMMM< L<,,,,mmmmmmm? ccfxfcmnnnnnnnnnnnn ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddcxn v,nx (?kniod) , jxxxxx k, ., mv bc v c v1qaszx wsx ./zedfc dcec wqsxz xcc gggggggggggr3gb ., 4rfv ., 4rffffffffffffffffffffffff fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff3mj 8ik [Arwen Note: I think that there is meaning in there somewhere! He insisted on using his feet at one point, though I don't remember what they typed.] MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 04/15/94 AT 00:55:41 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 400. Date: 04/15/94. Time: 19:45:33. Read 67 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Shay Pas Subj : Mining for stratagems RECEIVED PERMIFIED "You gnow we've been falling for quite some time now..." "I agree. I'd've said something of this, but i figured we'd've hit the ground before i'd've a chance to say it. Apparantly, that is not so." We lurked the halls of the Retreat, Shay using a different handle. We avoiding speaking and never set foot in the File Door, wary of Retreatists who kept eyes on people who seemed to inhabit the File Menu like how TMM lives in the VGA Planets doorway... We split up according to the plan. (For security reasons, we summarized our miraculous landing, meeting with eachother and the plan of attack in a different foreground color. If you couldn't see it, your screen color defaults are set wrong...) Shay walked calmly through the halls, case in hand. Kibbles and bits of conversation wafted to her ears as she paused briefly in front of various doors and enteranceways. Around one corner she chanced upon a view of a shining silver sphere. /Oooo, trippy,/ she cooed. She remained behind the corner and regarded the floating object, her fascination with shiny spheres keeping her from moving ahead. The ball wiggled along the corridor in odd jerky patterns. Shay watched it concernedly. /Num-num orb. You're gonna crash into a wall.../ The seemingly sightless silver sphere raced to a wall. "Ack! Halt you num-num orb!" The num-num stopped abruptly and smoothly sailed towards Shay. "Can you see?" she asked awed. "YES, OF COURSE." "CAN YOU HEAR?" The ball was silent, not bothering to answer such a num- num question. "Uhhh, nevermind. 'Twas a num-num question." Shay smiled and wondered if the orb was smiling, too. "I AM SORRY IF I ALARMED YOU WITH MY ERRATIC MOVEMENTS, TANGENT. I DO NOT USUALLY MOVE LIKE THAT." "'S o.k...listen, have you seen a CPU around here? Perhaps Yay high and Yee wide with a taste for the sadistic?" "LAST I HEARD, YAYHAI AND YIWAI MERGED AND BECAME YAYIHAIWAI. BUT I AM SURE YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN POINT YOU TO SADISTIC CPUS IN THE HACKER'S ZONE. I CAN HELP YOU FIND IT IF YOU WISH." Shay giggled. "'DID I SAY SOMETHING THAT MIGHT INDUCE SUCH A JOCULAR REACTION?'" quoted Num-num. She laughed feeling very silly at the moment. They turned into a corridor and headed for the Hacker's Zone, Shay laughing at every other word the orb said. "YOU GNOW IT'S VERY HARD TO TALK WITH THESE <> INTHEWAY..." I sat, panting against a wall. "Hey, you rest here and I'll go ahead myself." Seven turned to leave. "No! Don't move, don't think. Sit." Seven regarded me, concerned. "Seven sat and didn't move. I said he had to stop thinking, too. Seven quenched his thoughts to the averge human level of thought. 'Close enough,' I said. 'Now listen.'" Seven hesitated, then sat and didn't move. "You have to stop thinking, too." Seven stood up. "Average human level of thought, indeed!" "Siddown." We stared at eachother, pure defience in Seven's eyes. I sighed. "Fine. I'll say what i was gonna say with you standing up. Just, don't move so much, ok?" Seven nodded. "People use us 'Third Person Omniscient Narrators' all the time. It's a great job and all, but one gets very tired after a time. And now, I'm a TPON and an active character, too! I'm bushed," i finished, picking the Smurfberries off my shirt. "Why don't you just stop narrating for this story?" "To do so would be to surrender my omniscience. I gnow every move Shay makes and to a degree, I can influence them." "To a degree?" Seven said, playing his role as Morris the Explainer's assistant so well that i shivered. "Weirdoes are hard to control, you gnow." /And not to mention unpleasant to control,/ i didn't mention. "Well, get rid of yourself!" "Hey...why didn't i think of that?" /Average human level of thought.../ Seven thought. /People are cruel,/ I thought upon reporting what Seven thought. "Do it already!" BLIP! BLIP! BLOOP!...and the so far nameless, genderless and mindless character disappeared. Shay Pas MOVED FROM "The Weird Place" BY Ghost ON 04/16/94 AT 06:36:08 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 #400. Message # 401. Date: 04/14/94. Time: 13:21:24. Read 69 Times. From : Jehan To : Kilgore Trout Subj : a Roos Quiz! RECEIVED PERMIFIED -Ingly and -Edly are currently caught in an adverbial phase and are slightly intransitive. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 04/17/94 AT 23:38:42 Message # 402. Date: 04/14/94. Time: 06:51:17. Read 79 Times. From : Gravebuster To : Number Two Subj : Prejudice RECEIVED I find that liberals censor people in the name of political correctness. I find that conservatives censor people in the name of family values. Often, people think all conservatives are Christian, but in reality, fundamentalists make up only a small percentage of the conservative community. I find that scientists censor people who believe in creationism. Scientific American is a good example of that. I find that government censors its employees for who gnows what reason. Did you gnow that when Congress jacked up their salaries 50% and banned honoraria for themselves, that they also banned honoraria for all federal employees without giving them a raise, too? This means that no federal employee can profit from a book or a speech, even if its unrelated to their job. The Clinton administration has filed a writ of certiorari with the Supreme Court to prevent an appelate court from overturning that provision. I find that newspapers censor when they select what is news and what isn't news, even though there's no way that any of them can avoid this. I find networks censoring programs because they don't want to deal with the controversy. I find Tipper Gore censoring music because the artists are very graphic with their sexual descriptions, their mysogyny, their violence and because they are very profane. I find I censor when I choose what I'm not going to read, what I'm not going to watch, what I'm not going to listen to. But then again, that seems to be the best censorship to have around. I wish more people would spend more time choosing what they're not going to read, watch or listen to than they do on what others are not going to read, watch or listen to. And yes, I see fundamentalists censoring texts, movies and music because of heresy, blasphemy, immorality, profanity, but mostly because they want to feel important to compensate for their feelings of inferiority. I'm sadden to see this happen. +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY HACK MAN ON 04/19/94 AT 09:27:18 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 403. Date: 04/24/94. Time: 18:18:59. Read 67 Times. From : Mikester To : Stranger Subj : Blah RECEIVED PERMIFIED I finished "Schrodinger's Cat" -- it was quite good. Unfortuately, I returned your copy to a Stranger of a parallel universe. The universe was fairly close to our own, actually -- the only significant difference being that the top ten albums in Billboard were actually good. I only discovered the error moments before I was shunted back to our own universe...right after I returned your book to the alternate universe "Stranger," he flipped through it and said "What's THIS? Where's the Babysitter's Club book I lent you?" Then there was a sudden burst of light, what sounded like a lot of people saying "OOOOOOOOOOOOOHM," then I found myself sprawled on the floor of what I am currently presuming to be my proper universe's 7-11. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 04/25/94 AT 22:01:12 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 404. Date: 04/24/94. Time: 06:10:51. Read 73 Times. From : Stranger To : Acdha Rmiss Subj : Greetings RECEIVED PERMIFIED There is no Obfuscation anywhere. Obfuscation has been renamed "qquam'tempor" (Aldebaranese for "True Wisdom, disguised by a thin but sometimes sightly amusing stupidity.") (The dominant species of Aldebaran is well-gnown for its early espousal of the Dogma of Complex Meaning... The dominant species of Terra, of course is Insect, but they don't give a rat's ass about Complex Meaning, only Obvious Truth, so the Grand Master's Survey Team picked the early hominids to bump & coax into a simulation of intelligence. (The only qualifications were a tremendous need for representative foods from the four food groups and overbearing inane stubbornness. (The Survey Team gnew how hard it was to control those who don't care one way or another, and rightly chose us as the Species that cared about everything.) Stranger (Unfortunately, they didn't realize until too late that primates will always destroy the things about which they care in a subconscious attempt to make sure that nothing will deprive the creature of the things about which he cares! Everyone makes mistakes; all end in fire. (Walk with Me?)) MOVED FROM "Ye Olde Obfuscatoreum" BY HACK MAN ON 04/29/94 AT 20:53:59 Message # 405. Date: 05/04/94. Time: 11:06:53. Read 60 Times. From : Stranger To : Ghost Subj : uh RECEIVED PERMIFIED No one ever is! Life is a game of Solitaire. Stranger (Used to be called "Patience" ... before the 20th century.) MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 05/05/94 AT 06:57:15 Message # 406. Date: 05/06/94. Time: 12:49:28. Read 67 Times. From : Stranger To : Gravebuster Subj : YO RECEIVED PERMIFIED But... I belong to a non-prophet organization. Stranger MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 05/08/94 AT 13:22:22 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 407. Date: 05/08/94. Time: 20:50:06. Read 63 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Ace of Post PERMIFIED "You listen to this, and be sure to tell me what you think." Gravebuster pressed the Ace of Base compact disc firmly into Mikester's hand. "Okay, Grave, I sure will," Mikester replied. He placed the CD into his Levi Jacket of Many Pockets and headed home to the HOuse of SQuishiness. On his way there, Mikester thought about what an honor it was to be approached for his musical opinion, about what a learning experience this will be to review an album, about that tuna he had for lunch and currently isn't sitting too well. Upon reaching the HOuse of SQuishiness, Mikester passed through the front portal, walked down a dark hall, and entered the SQuishy SAnctum...the room with the computer and the stereo system. It was here, at the locus of all his SQuishy thoughts, that Mikester felt he would be at his most intellectually and musically open, not to mention the fact that this was the only room with a CD player. He placed the Ace of Base CD into the aforementioned CD player, and tapped the "PLAY" button with a mixed feeling of excitement and uneasiness. He had read the discussion on the Retreat about this album, and the attempts to place its genre within the vast musical spectrum. Mikester hoped he was up to the task. The opening notes of the first song throbbed out of Mikester's speakers. Mikester's collection of credit cards and floppy disks shook on top of the speakers in time with the beat. Mikester rested back into his Chair of Thought, and begin to listen. Suddenly, a flash of light obscured Mikester's vision. The Ace of Base CD skipped, then stopped playing altogether. There was what sounded like a thousand people chanting "Keep your feet on the ground..." over and over again. Mikester threw his hands over his ears to keep out the din, and squeezed his eyes shut against the burning bright light. The glow, which appeared red through his eyelids, quickly vanished, as did the chorus of voices. Mikester cautiously opened eyes, and saw a man before him, dressed all in white, with a beatific smile on his face. Mikester, with a slowly dawning feeling of recognition, gazed up at the man and said, "Chris? Chris De Burgh?" The man looked down upon Mikester and replied, "Yes, that is me. As the only remaining man with a copy of my hit single 'Don't Pay the Ferryman,' you have the special power to call upon my spirit for guidance." "But...but you aren't dead!" "Let's not worry about that now...let us ponder the current problem. You are currently preparing to review an album by Ace of Base, are you not?" Mikester dumbly nodded his head. "It seemed to me you were going to form a cruel, quickly formed, and basically ignorant opinion. No, no" -- Chris De Burgh held a hand up against Mikester's not-quite-voiced-but-about-to-be protestations -- "you were going to do nothing that millions of other people have done as well. However, I am here to help you through this time of trouble. Come with me, Mikester...let us examine the nature of music." There was another flash of light, and a sudden spinning sensation, and when Mikester was again aware of his surrounding, he saw not his SQuishy SAnctum, but a vast grassy field. The sky was a brilliant blue, and to Mikester, the air was...was.... Mikester had that feeling of not knowing he was missing something until he was finally exposed to it. The air was much cleaner, much more pleasant smelling. Mikester did not think of air as having smell, but smell it did, sweet and clean. Mikester pulled himself away from his contemplation of his surroundings, and asked Chris De Burgh, "Where are we?" Chris simply extended an arm and pointed over Mikester's shoulder. Mikester turned around and saw that Chris De Burgh was pointing at a naked man, covered with hair, with a sloping brow, squatting in the long grass. Mikester recognized the man as a predecessor to the modern Homo Sapiens. The caveman, as Mikester thought of him for the lack of a better term, was lifting a rock in one burly fist, and bringing it down against a rock on the ground before him. Each time the rocks connected, a large cracking sound was made. Keeping in time, between each crack, the caveman grunted out a short incoherent syllable. "What do you see?" asked Chris De Burgh. "I see a hairy man pounding on a rock." "No, no," said Chris, shaking his head. "You see Music, at its most basic form. Music is more than slick production...it is an expression of what one is feeling, of what is deepmost within a person's heart. This caveman maybe be happy about good weather, sad over poor hunting, or just thankful that he's lived through another day. He releases his feeling through the noise he is making...that sound is his emotion given voice in a way that he cannot voice himself." "Oh, I think I see...." "Let's take a look at something else...." said Chris De Burgh, and there was another burst of light. Mikester then found himself at a rock concert. Men with long hair cavorted on the stage, and kids with equally long hair banged their heads back and forth in time with the beat. Onstage, the singer screamed into his microphone, eyes clenched and sweat glistening over his entire body. The drummer threw his arms about him, seemingly randomly, and pounded out a heavy beat that made Mikester regret even more the tuna he had for lunch. "What do you see?" asked Chris De Burgh. "I see a hairy man pounding on a rock." "Very funny," said Chris. "This too, is Music. This is adolescent rage and rebellion, expressed in the angered tones of both the singer and the music. This isn't just noise," said Chris De Burgh, noticing Mikester's distaste for the performance, "this is emotional expression. You can not just disregard Music simply because it takes a form you find distasteful. You may not care for how the message is conveyed, and you may not care for the message itself, but you should at least have a measure of respect for the emotions that are expressed." Then there was another burst of light, and Mikester found himself back in the SQuishy SAnctum. He looked up at Chris De Burgh and said, "So, what you are saying is, 'Do not belittle others for the way they express themselves?' " Chris De Burgh stroked his chin with his hand, and seemed to ponder what Mikester had just said. "Well," he said after a minute or so, "sure, why not. That's close enough. Remember that lesson well, young Mikester, as you listen to this Ace of Base CD. Do not consider it to be less than Music because you find it to have an unpleasant beat. Respect it as any other form of communication, and respect it as another human being's method of expression." And with that said, Chris De Burgh began to glow from within, blinding Mikester with white brilliance. "Wait!" shouted Mikester. "I also have a Shaun Cassidy 'Do Run Run" single...what power does that grant me?" Mikester heard Chris De Burgh's reply, though he could no longer see him: "I came to you despite your owning that...don't push your luck." Then the chorus of voices returned, and began to chant "...And keep reaching for the stars!" and suddenly, the voices and light were gone. Dazed by his experience, Mikester simply pressed "PLAY" on his CD player, and sat back to listen to the Ace of Base. *** The next day, Mikester made the journey to Gravebuster's Tomb to return the CD. "Here you, Grave," said Mikester in too-familiar of a fashion, as he passed the CD from out of his Levi Jacket of Many Pockets and into Gravebuster's hand. "I listened to it last night." "And what did you think of it?" queried Gravebuster. "It sucked, mostly," Mikester replied. MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY Gravebuster ON 05/08/94 AT 21:03:45 Comments : HAHAHA=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 410. Date: 05/05/94. Time: 00:39:00. Read 69 Times. From : Stranger To : BOgRIders Subj : You gnow PERMIFIED It's a dirty JOb. ST.ranger ><-ile, BAron BOg, TAndy LAma, LOrd APathy KNower of the THings WHich JUst aren't TRue FEeler of the SQuishy THings, & STuff PAtron of the FLowering SQuish, GRand BOgatrix of the Aberdeen Wa-wa and FAithful Defender of the BEard THrone, etc etc etc etc etc. MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY HACK MAN ON 05/16/94 AT 14:54:26 Comments : DOINK=1 #410. Message # 411. Date: 05/06/94. Time: 08:53:10. Read 71 Times. From : Mikester To : Stranger Subj : You gnow RECEIVED PERMIFIED Indeed it is. You have inspired me to go back to my sub and seek out that which is BOgworthy. --BAronet BOg FOunder of SQuishiness Patron Saint of Comics BObber upon the BOg He Who Lacks A Beard, But Maintains A Constant State of Unshavenness MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY HACK MAN ON 05/16/94 AT 14:55:04 Message # 412. Date: 05/11/94. Time: 23:19:52. Read 75 Times. From : Mikester To : Frogie Man Subj : Look what I found RECEIVED PERMIFIED Here's a little help. help Here's a great big help. HH HH HHHHHHHHHHH HH HHHHHHHHHHH HH HH HHHHHHHHHHH HH HHHHHHHHHHH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHH HH HHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHH HH HHHHHHHHHHH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HH HHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHH HH HH HH HHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHH HH --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 05/17/94 AT 09:14:21 Comments : GROAN.=1 Message # 413. Date: 05/17/94. Time: 20:35:29. Read 66 Times. From : Mikester To : Oxnardus Subj : Wooba wooba RECEIVED PERMIFIED Dr. Pepper lost his license in a malpractice suit. 7-Up was going through its Uncola operation, when Dr. Pepper, with a slip of the scalpel, cut off 7-Up's Tab. A Coke and a smile wasn't enough to satisfy 7-Up's pain, so Dr. Pepper had to pay for it with his career. A sad end for Dr. Pepper. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 05/21/94 AT 16:41:23 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 414. Date: 05/02/94. Time: 02:11:56. Read 103 Times. From : Stranger To : Frogie Man Subj : darn RECEIVED PERMIFIED go away stranger (naysayer) MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 05/02/94 AT 06:55:06 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Stranger ON 05/02/94 AT 21:39:37 MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 05/03/94 AT 07:58:25 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Stranger ON 05/03/94 AT 19:58:11 MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 05/03/94 AT 22:42:12 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Stranger ON 05/04/94 AT 11:08:26 MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 05/05/94 AT 06:57:02 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Stranger ON 05/05/94 AT 11:58:52 MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 05/05/94 AT 14:07:12 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Stranger ON 05/05/94 AT 21:42:05 MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 05/21/94 AT 17:12:52 Comments : BOG ME=1 Message # 415. Date: 05/14/94. Time: 13:49:47. Read 66 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Mikester Subj : A Computerized Quandary RECEIVED PERMIFIED NO. IF YOU HAD A FASTER COMPUTER YOU WOULD GET MORE GOOFING OFF DONE IN THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME. C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 05/21/94 AT 23:44:25 Message # 416. Date: 05/06/94. Time: 22:13:05. Read 70 Times. From : Ghost To : Oxnardus Subj : Sucking RECEIVED PERMIFIED Do poants live in a pohouse? Do poants call their bathroom a podunk? Do poants keep their doors shut with a pollock? Do poants entertain with a pollute? Do poants turn on a polite at night? I guess no more poant jokes should be pomade. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 05/21/94 AT 23:47:13 Message # 417. Date: 05/20/94. Time: 08:52:30. Read 83 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : PSA | \ | \ | \ \ | \ \ | | | | | | <-------- your ass | / / | / / | | | ------------ / \ <-------- a hole in the ground \ / ------------ This has been a public service announcement. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 05/24/94 AT 13:00:57 Comments : ARGH!=1 BLAH=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 418. Date: 05/17/94. Time: 00:17:24. Read 99 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Wooba wooba PERMIFIED It's one of those days. I'm tired. Letterman is playing on the television behind me. I'm tired. There's a soda sitting on my desk next to my keyboard. It is slowly growing warm. My back hurts. What time is it? There's a television sitting on my desk next to my keyboard. It's one of those sodas. Letterman is playing on the keyboard behind me. I have to go to work tomorrow. My soda hurts. It's one of those hurts. I'm tired. I have a pile of books I still need to read. There's a pile of books sitting on my television next to my back. What soda is it? My keyboard is slowly sitting. One of those days is playing on the television behind me. It is slowly growing warm. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 05/18/94 AT 12:19:46 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY HACK MAN ON 05/24/94 AT 22:39:07 Comments : ZZZZZZZ=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 419. Date: 05/23/94. Time: Anytime. Read 67 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : all Subj : well, this seems like as good a place as any to put it PERMIFIED There she sits, Her golden hair and flawless face Daring me to speak to her. What to say? I cannot just walk up to her and ask her for a date. Does she know? Has she guessed that I sit here, Dreaming of what may be? úù°±²ÛCarpe NoctemÛ²±°ùú  ³INXED ÀÙ úù°±²ÛCarpe DiemÛ²±°ùú MOVED FROM "Love" BY HACK MAN ON 05/25/94 AT 19:06:55 Comments : WAY!=1 Message # 420. Date: 05/17/94. Time: 09:10:00. Read 69 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Grazz't Subj : Tattoo's RECEIVED PERMIFIED LIFE IS DIVIDED INTO HOURS, AND YOU HAVE TO USE MOST OF THEM UP SECURING YOUR POSITION SO THAT YOU CAN SPEND THE REMAINING 2 OR 3 PER DAY DOING WHATEVER YOU WANT. C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 05/27/94 AT 00:11:02 #420. Message # 421. Date: 05/28/94. Time: 13:32:39. Read 63 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : On the subject of nothing PERMIFIED Some posts are too short. Some posts are too long. Some posts are too true. Some posts are too false. Some posts are too meaningless. Some posts are too blah. Some posts aren't blah enough. Some posts are not slack enough at all. On me, some posts leave a pall. Some posts have no rhythm meter or rhyme, while others make repetitive use of these all the time. In fact, some posts make me sick with ingenuous use of many a trick; others leave me baldly gnowing nothing else matters, while their brethren next sub are nothing but patter. Some posts really really really misuse rhyme, not to mention being redundant. Some posts are redundant. I would love to see a day when all posts are free, free to roam the information superglubway. But maybe not, there could be postal rebellion, and a disgruntled post is nothing to laugh at, unless it's funny. Some posts are funny. Some posts are meant to be funny, but in actuality, aren't at all. Some posts have way too many commas while others don't have quite enough. Some posts are unevenly margined, and others are evenly so. Some posts are boring. Some posts bore you even while you type them. Some posts threaten to kill your family and rape your dog. Some dogs threaten to kill your posts and rape your family. Some families post your dog and rape your threats. But that doesn't matter. Some posts seem to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on but they eventually stop. And some posts seem to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and don't stop, much like this one would if I could remember how to go into Infinite Mode, or even if I wasnt too slack to look it up in the drawer that's right next to me, or if say GOD were to suddenly give it infinity but that's not going to happen so why blather about it? Some posts are actually just long irritating questions. Some posts are long irritating answers. Some posts are merely long and irritating. Some of the best things in the world are long and irritating, like giant carrots covered with red fire ants. But most posts aren't like that. Some posts are too strange. Some posts aren't strange enough. Some posts belong in the BOg, but not this one, because I'm going to permify it. Unless I am already too slack to even do that. Uh oh, I'm not sure I can even stop posting this I'm outta control man ahh please hel USER REMOVED BY SLACK MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY HACK MAN ON 05/29/94 AT 14:05:34 Comments : HUH?=1 Message # 422. Date: 05/27/94. Time: 12:29:01. Read 66 Times. From : Shay Pas To : all Subj : blahblahblah PERMIFIED m'essay section of an application for a two-week stay at the luxurous UCSB campus: the question "Why is acedmeic preparation in high school important, and if accepted, what are your expectations of the Summer Acedemic Institution?" (please excuse any pressure-induced bullcrap i might spew) As the school year's end approaches, i wonder why i don't see the Huneme Seniors running around the campus in constant panic. It seems that the early morning return from Grad Night at Disneyland, you would be dropped off at the Real World Transportation Center with a transfer ticket, a bus schedule ,a good luck handshake and whatever you came with. You could check your luggage at the station and take the bus to Partyland, getting a transfer after riding all the rides there. Or, keep your luggage and go to Jobland or even CareerWorld. The route that i'm looking at is heading towards Collegeland. During m'stay, i would pick up more souvenirs to put in my suitcase and hopefully, figure out what to do with the luggage i have amassed. Acedemic preparation...blahblahblahspewspewspew. I'm hoping that S.A.I. will give me an inkling of the rides at Collegeland and tell me exactly how many pairs of underwear to pack. Shay Pas (mE? NeRvOUs aBOut tHe FuTurE? NaH...) MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT" BY HACK MAN ON 05/29/94 AT 14:26:37 Message # 423. Date: 05/26/94. Time: 22:14:47. Read 77 Times. From : Mikester To : Mojo IV Subj : Post 2200 RECEIVED PERMIFIED I must dive deep into the BOg then, and see if I can't retrieve these lost posts. Who's with me? "I am!" shouted Mojo. "I gnew you would be, faithful SLug!" Mikester looked at the motley collection of scallywags and rastabouts the crowded the deck of the ship. "As good of a mate Mojo is, I'm gonna need more! Who's with me?" One fellow near the rear of the crowd, wearing an eyepatch on his shoulder and a parrot on his eye, yelled out, "Arrrrrrr! There be any treasure innit for us, cap'n?" The rest of the crowd began hooting and shouting -- they too wanted to gnow what was in it for them. "There is the treasure of gnowledge and the regaining of that part of history long since lost!" replied Mikester, who then noticed that the crowd didn't seem to interested in gnowledge for gnowledge's sake. Mikester quickly added, "Oh, yeah...there's...uh...chests full of gold and stuff too!" The pirates then shouted for joy and began pressing closer to Mikester, trying to gain favorable positions on the expedition. Soon, the diving crew was selected. Mikester (of course), his trusted first mate Mojo, the nefarious Stranger, and the mysterious Shade, who, ungnown to him, would be used as a sacrifice to appease the mighty BOgLOrd should the expedition happen upon the BEarded guardian of the BOg. Entering the diving bell, they quickly descended. (Many technical details have been quickly glossed over, because I have no idea what would be entailed in such an expedition. Give me a break, okay? I'm just trying to tell a story here.) Lower and lower into the dark reaches of the BOg sank the four men...the BOg, dark as it was at the top, was an absolute pitch black here near the bottom. It was really black. I mean, black. Like tar, almost. Trust me on this...it was darn black. Anyhoo...the diving bell suddenly lurched downward, a startling movement given the thick, gooey substance of the BOg. From outside the bell a bright light shone, and Stranger, looking outside, shouted "Hey! We're in some kind of cave! There's torches and stuff." Mikester, having confirmed what Stranger saw, decided to disembark. The four men gathered outside of the bell, and looked up to see the BOgstuff swirling about outside of the cave, but not passing through the entrance. "Huh," thought Mojo, "I wonder how that works." "It works that way because that is what I wish." The crew whirled around at the sound of the voice, and were confronted by a man with flowing red hair and a long pointy beard. "I am the BOgLOrd. Welcome to my home." "Er...uh..." said Mikester. He pushed Shade toward the BOgLOrd. "Look, I brought this fellow with us. You can eat him if you want." "Hey...what!?" said Shade. "No no no..." said the BOgLOrd. "I have all I can eat down here." "Uh..." replied Mikester, with a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach, "what is it exactly that you eat down here?" The BOgLOrd smiled his bearded smile and replied "Why, old posts, of course. If I didn't, the BOg would swirl up and over the rest of the world, sucking it into a SQuishy vortex. Why, is that a problem?" "Uh, no," Mikester replied. "Um...you wouldn't happen to have any chests of gold lying around, do you?" "I have this Special Beat album you can have." "Thanks, anyways," replied Mikester, and then the story suddenly ended, because I ran out of things to say. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 05/29/94 AT 14:39:18 Comments : HAHAHA=2 OBFUSCATED=23 PROMOTE ME=5 Message # 424. Date: 05/28/94. Time: 12:22:07. Read 58 Times. From : Stranger To : Oxnardus Subj : pas RECEIVED PERMIFIED Nuts and dolts hold the universe together. Stranger MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 05/29/94 AT 15:30:49 Message # 425. Date: 05/28/94. Time: 16:56:38. Read 68 Times. From : Stranger To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : names RECEIVED PERMIFIED SQUISH! Stranger MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 05/29/94 AT 13:30:59 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 05/29/94 AT 18:31:06 Comments : BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 426. Date: 04/30/94. Time: 06:57:48. Read 67 Times. From : Gravebuster To : Mikester Subj : ... RECEIVED Once upon a midnight's chiming, while I pondered scallops priming In my very quaint and curious cauldron boiling till it sheened. While I nodded, midst this rhyming, suddenly I heard a griming, As of something fiercely sliming, sliming on the door I cleaned. Who would slime and fizz and such upon my door until it greened? Quoth the Mojo "You... You FFFFIIIIEEEENNNNDDDD!!!!" +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Arwen Undomiel ON 05/30/94 AT 00:09:07 Comments : HAHAHA=1 ARGH!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 427. Date: 05/29/94. Time: 18:38:51. Read 59 Times. From : Mikester To : Stranger Subj : darn RECEIVED PERMIFIED It has long been my belief that all people, regardless of race, creed, or religion, are equally silly. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 05/30/94 AT 13:15:28 Message # 429. Date: 08/16/89. Time: 21:09:23. Read 132 Times. From : Lynx To : All Subj : HAHAHA How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? They won't touch it, it's a hardware problem. Lynx MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Enemies of Lynx, Inc. ON 06/01/94 AT 18:03:28 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Lynx ON 06/01/94 AT 23:42:56 Comments : BOG ME=1 Message # 433. Date: 06/01/94. Time: 19:19:52. Read 72 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Mojo and Mikester PERMIFIED MOJO MIKESTER Owns an IBM Owns a Macintosh Is a sysop Is but a lowly user Has a luxurious mane of hair Has a fine camel hair toupee Favorite comic artist: Favorite comic artist: Alan Davis Evan Dorkin RIdes the BOg BObs on the BOg Foremost supporter of SQuishiness FOunder of SQuishiness Once lived in Washington Once lived near Washington, DC Generous to charities Steals from widows and orphans Is a fairly quick typist Can type quickly, but anal about spelling Writes very strange posts Writes strange and pointless posts MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 06/02/94 AT 11:33:21 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 434. Date: 05/17/94. Time: 00:17:24. Read 162 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Wooba wooba PERMIFIED It's one of those days. I'm tired. Letterman is playing on the television behind me. I'm tired. There's a soda sitting on my desk next to my keyboard. It is slowly growing warm. My back hurts. What time is it? There's a television sitting on my desk next to my keyboard. It's one of those sodas. Letterman is playing on the keyboard behind me. I have to go to work tomorrow. My soda hurts. It's one of those hurts. I'm tired. I have a pile of books I still need to read. There's a pile of books sitting on my television next to my back. What soda is it? My keyboard is slowly sitting. One of those days is playing on the television behind me. It is slowly growing warm. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 05/18/94 AT 12:19:46 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Lynx ON 05/25/94 AT 23:59:36 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Stranger ON 05/26/94 AT 01:34:06 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Lynx ON 05/27/94 AT 00:37:45 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Enemies of Lynx, Inc. ON 06/01/94 AT 18:11:28 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Lynx ON 06/01/94 AT 23:47:58 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Stranger ON 06/02/94 AT 10:43:20 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Lynx ON 06/02/94 AT 23:29:21 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 06/03/94 AT 11:14:03 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Number Two ON 06/03/94 AT 13:07:42 Comments : HAHAHA=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 ARGH!=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 435. Date: 06/03/94. Time: 11:44:04. Read 69 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : A Joke Geometrique PERMIFIED Rene Descarte went into a restaurant. He ordered a bowl of soup, and it was wonderful. What a great meal he had enjoyed. A waiter came up to him and asked, "Monsieur, would you like any dessert?" Descarte replied, "I think not." And promptly disappeared. Stranger (Wooba Wooba) MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 06/05/94 AT 23:38:43 Comments : HUH?=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 436. Date: 06/02/94. Time: 12:09:08. Read 72 Times. From : Stranger To : Blau Reiders/Ann Otherworld Subj : "hung in desperation" RECEIVED PERMIFIED black emotions hide goblins and elves and other nighttime infestations. pass the stone (the other way this time) how could you cross my line how could you miss the sign how could you? the finest ropes are made of despair. am I hung in desperation? unmanned missions are least satisfactory--- but the moon is myth, nothing but airless void up here down there, the fires of Truth and the ice of small deaths. Stranger ><-ile, Monsignor Lord Apathy Undulatis El Strango -=OBFUSCATE=- (DOINK!) MOVED FROM "The Demented Herbarium" BY HACK MAN ON 06/10/94 AT 16:36:35 Comments : WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 437. Date: 06/17/94. Time: 03:00:32. Read 58 Times. From : Stranger To : found Subj : lost PERMIFIED left alone to flower fruitlessly terminally ignored and raised hopelessly a million giant termites dance and feed as irrational equations hungrily plead maybe sometimes truth will intervene but until then only fantasy is seen a tribe of lights march and fluoresce as their luminary wounded convalesce you can close your eyes but you can't escape spiritual bonds hold while physical ones gape collect the halos of a million exiled saints free the sequoias from their restraints you've been insane since before you were born your resistance is weak, your patience torn the seditious seagulls dance and petition and autistic visions revel in repetition. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 06/17/94 AT 10:14:46 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 438. Date: 05/29/94. Time: 10:04:12. Read 68 Times. From : Number Two To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : ASS! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Didn't you know? Hack Man is one of the few real users here. Everyone else (well except for you, of course) is an alter ego, false identity, a sham. He does it so people wil lthink his board is interesting and people will call here. It works very little of the time, so he just continues on having conversations with us. You know what's funny? He has become so good at it that there is no discrepancy of personality. Is it live or is it Hackorex...... Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 06/18/94 AT 16:33:01 Comments : HAHAHA=100 BRAVO!=100 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 439. Date: 06/04/94. Time: 04:37:23. Read 69 Times. From : Stranger To : Oxnardus Subj : You Gnow... RECEIVED PERMIFIED Wow, thanks, I love being called a god, even if a techie prefix like "sys" is appended to its forequarters. I think I might prefer something along the lines of, oh, um, Dionysius Evohe Trismegistos, but it'd be a disappointing world if we actually got everything that we thought we wanted. I also wouldn't mind being Goddess for a day, but definitely not a millenium, because I definitely couldn't handle yearly periods or giving birth to cosmic ideas through metaphoric vulvas and other Goddess-connected activity of that sort. Hmm, unless I were Eris. She doesn't have to bother with all of the slightly insulting metaphor-myth-stories of being the producer of life and all that rot. She just gets to go and throw around a golden apple with the word "kallisti" on it, and cause all sorts of discord. That would be a great life. Hmm, no nevermind, I think I'll give up my aspirations for Godhood, because there's no way that Radio Shack would give me that much time off; divinity is a rather time-consuming (sidenote: does anyone but me find the word "time-consuming" a little, well you gnow, beautiful? I'm not sure why I'm attracted to the idea of the infinite being eaten. (Mental note: make sure to look into this new idea.)) Hmm, I just had sort of a tangential thought for me, one I've never really even bothered mulling over: is the very idea of a Goddess subtly (archetypically) degrading to women? By imagining a goddess, what you are actually doing is projecting your ideas of the perfect woman, just as many gods throughout time, until the recent antisceptic age, were just projected images of masculinity. Is it insulting to women to portray the archetypical feminine-divine-force as the Mother? There's no reason anymore that we should consider the woman's most divine characteristic that of giving birth--that only forces societally created gender roles on a whole half of society (the female one), whereas worshipping an "all-male" masculine-divine-force is also forcing societally constructed gender ideas of what appropriate maleness is. Perhaps unisexuality is the only way to understand "GOD". Uh oh, I just realized I could argue the exact opposite way and believe it just as much. Damn it, there are way way too many double-sided metaphors nowadays. Forget it, I hate philosophy. I think I'll be an atheist-- I just can't justify my paganism in light of its inherent fascist conformist sexism. Ugh, no I can't do that--- I wouldn't really have an excuse to dance naked under trees anymore without paganism. No one likes a hedonist, but blame it on God, and you get to join the Club. Stranger, ex-ile MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 06/21/94 AT 04:21:26 Comments : WOW!=1 OH MY GOD!=1 Message # 440. Date: 06/04/94. Time: 21:01:51. Read 60 Times. From : The Music Man To : GOD. Subj : PERMIFIED If I wanted to talk to God, I'd get down on my knees an pray. Otherwise, the novelty of being greeted by something called "God" has faded into a dull awareness of the fact that God was actually deleted from the board years ago after the penguin incident of 89, his handle preserved only to serve as a reminder to those of us that there are some people who would actually try to pull off logging on as God so that they can amuse themselves and others who actually consider it a novel idea, and even go as far as to expend precious time searching for God's password in hopes that logging on as God might actually make them special or something. I dare suspect that some people actually believe that they can pull off some kind of hoax or something, and fake people into believing that a divine entity logged on and actually said Hello to them. Personally, I don't think God would waste the toll charges just to call here and say hello to everyone when he has a valid account on internet and a calling card with Satan's name on it. He would probably find a larger audience there, not to mention access to a vast database of information containing very little obfuscation. Being that this is the case, you might as well give up and impersonate something less capable of obliterating your existence altogether out of jealous spite and boredom. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 06/21/94 AT 04:53:10 #440. Message # 441. Date: 06/05/94. Time: 01:07:58. Read 59 Times. From : The Music Man To : Lynx Subj : DOINK! RECEIVED PERMIFIED The designation of labels such as stupid and meaningless are value judgements limited to subjective responses, which when combined with a complaint based on the competitive nature of top ten lists reflects jealousy and an underlying pettiness not unlike whining for the sake of whining. That's my job. This antagonistic name calling is below you, but if you're gonna do it, at least do it indescriminately like I do, lest somebody develop the impression that you are picking on them for some particular reason. Besides, we are all guilty of leaving stupid and meaningless posts, so if you're gonna pick on somebody, pick on the upstarts. Conflicts in the ranks are uncool! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 06/21/94 AT 04:57:46 Message # 442. Date: 06/06/94. Time: 07:34:37. Read 65 Times. From : The Music Man To : Ghost Subj : Are You Mad About Something? RECEIVED PERMIFIED Well, being that I am the aforementioned "next man", I feel that I have a right to bear witness to my own unconventionalisms in contest of your reasons which falsly places yourself above me in an extreme which I must profess to be held by me, despite the fact that you propel dangerous tools through the air in an attempt to prove something. I navigate powermowers through the stratosphere at speeds surpassing that of sound, and I can shoot down a hacksaw from miles away. Just last weekend I took out a pair of garden shears attempting to enter international airspace without clearance. I take my work seriously, and will not be out extremed by an immaterial amateur floating around on some old hacksaw! Now if you were to install one of those Harrier Jump Jet Conversion Kits and maneuver the saw through a Jack In The Box drive-thru without instilling panic into the hearts of the employees when they look right through you at the hacksaw which apparently just ordered a Jumbo Jack, then you might be considered for an honorable mention, but if you cannot even confirm personal experience in the liberation of powertools through the more scenic sections of our solar system, then you might want to consider the superior advantages of industrial machinery as an alternative to the outdated tradition of astral projection. Let go of all that primative technology, the only way to make an impact in this day and age is to go with the more advances technology. With the right modifications, you could easily become a cyberspook! Free yourself from your antiqued dependancy upon old fashioned incarnations and throw out your tools of an ancient age gone by. Gaseous Manifestations are a dying breed, your only hope is to go techno! Relinquish your soul to the source code while you still have a chance, lest some religious fanatic locates you first and exorcises you! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 06/21/94 AT 05:06:53 Comments : WOW!=1 Message # 443. Date: 06/04/94. Time: 21:01:51. Read 64 Times. From : The Music Man To : GOD. Subj : PERMIFIED If I wanted to talk to God, I'd get down on my knees an pray. Otherwise, the novelty of being greeted by something called "God" has faded into a dull awareness of the fact that God was actually deleted from the board years ago after the penguin incident of 89, his handle preserved only to serve as a reminder to those of us that there are some people who would actually try to pull off logging on as God so that they can amuse themselves and others who actually consider it a novel idea, and even go as far as to expend precious time searching for God's password in hopes that logging on as God might actually make them special or something. I dare suspect that some people actually believe that they can pull off some kind of hoax or something, and fake people into believing that a divine entity logged on and actually said Hello to them. Personally, I don't think God would waste the toll charges just to call here and say hello to everyone when he has a valid account on internet and a calling card with Satan's name on it. He would probably find a larger audience there, not to mention access to a vast database of information containing very little obfuscation. Being that this is the case, you might as well give up and impersonate something less capable of obliterating your existence altogether out of jealous spite and boredom. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Arwen Undomiel ON 06/26/94 AT 00:21:11 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 444. Date: 06/21/94. Time: 13:14:24. Read 80 Times. From : Mojo IV To : ALL Subj : Huxley and Junipart PERMIFIED FORWARDED BY Mojo IV But in the autumn twilight did the blue orc with red suspenders and a man named larry go and be with one and the other who never knew why but continued to find that only in Jersey could one find true happiness. In the off season. Near the East River. But forthought was not occasion and the land was unextended when the billy goats got loose and ate the station master, a girl named Iva Lot went don't to Freeman's Dock and found a pair of red suspenders once belonging to Robin Williams. And a man. But later one that day she skipped across the plains that are and were and might be still as the Heartland and the Lowland and the Inbetween of Gilbert's great and long last resting place. My mother was a good cook, as many could tell to look at me, and the past was lost to whom it had to fall. Or fell. But in the world that I know the men weren't quite as tall and the leaves on the maple and hickory glowed in a vibrant orange in the autumn twilight of my home. The desert scrub stood proud and tall, dejected by loneliness and rejected by the rains of Spring and doomed forever to wait for the one who'll come to wake the dragon and herd the trees to safety from the coming, dooming flood. But even as I wait and ponder the world stands and waits with them, wondering why. The world is ringing bells of warning for the blue orc and his brothers helper. Why in hell it is I do not know. Mojo IV, 1994 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 06/27/94 AT 23:30:57 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 445. Date: 06/15/94. Time: 14:43:55. Read 71 Times. From : Stranger To : Jehan Subj : A purpose? RECEIVED PERMIFIED all hearts should be Cupped gently, held in liquid gold and filled with illumination. Strangers MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 06/27/94 AT 23:35:02 Message # 446. Date: 06/24/94. Time: 21:05:39. Read 98 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Welcome, new user! PERMIFIED The connection was made; the place that was not a place had appeared on the monitor. The caller wandered in, and gazed upon the main menu. Puzzled, the caller pondered such menu entries as "Tip the Bell Captain" and "Quote-o- matic," while not gathering the courage to try out these particular commands. Instead, the caller pressed the "M" key, trying for something familiar -- messages and discussions. The hall was long and worn. Obviously, many people passed this way each and every day, though there was no one present in the hall at this particular moment. Doors lined the hall, and the caller gazed upon the first door to see if any clues could be gathered as to what the door, when opened, would reveal. The first door was marked "The Tavern," which was understandable enough...the caller, though fairly young, had a pretty good idea what a tavern was like (the caller had watched "Cheers," after all). Some of the other doors were not so revealing with the legends that they bore. "The Obfusatoreum of Obfuscated Obfuscations (Obfuscated!);" "The BOg of Eternal Stench;" "Pneumatic Roos." What in God's name was "Pneumatic Roos?" Both puzzled and excited, the doors suggested to the caller possibilities not often offered by other places that weren't really places. The caller wandered about some more, pausing only a moment to gaze at the dust-covered and cobweb-caked door marked "Courtroom," then explored within some of the rooms themselves. "Gnow" "Hackintosh" "Boating accident" "ACK!" "DOINK!" "peggy" "obfuscate!" "BOg" "B L A H" "Weird" "Big Toe" "penguin" "3.14159...." The caller felt out of place. It was quite a lot to absorb, after all. However, this was not discouraging. It was, instead, attractive in a way. There was a mystery here, a sense of more going on than one might readily expect. The obscure was celebrated, and the common was made unusual. The users of the past appeared about this new user...names that have long faded from the Retreat, but are still alive in the words that they typed. "Typan." "peggy." "Dillinger." The caller was surrounded by the names of those who remained extant, and the caller shouted to them, "I am here! I wish to be one of you!" "WAY!" shouted Lynx. "NO WAY!" retorted Acdha Rmiss. "HAHAHA" laughed Ann Otherworld. "RASPBERRYS" blew Shade. "BLOWS!" heckled Bucko. "OBFUSCATED" commented Ghost. "HUH?" queried Oxnardus. "DOINK" doinked HACK MAN. "WHO CARES" sighed KEN. "BRAVO!" applauded Jehan. "ZZZZZZZ" snored the Music Man. "GROAN" groaned Nip. "GIVE ME A BREAK!" criticized Gravebuster. "ARGH!" recoiled Mojo IV. A"OUCH!" sputtered Tellura. "WOW!" exclaimed Shay Pas. "OH MY GOD!" hollered Mikester. "BLAH" muttered Stranger. "BOG ME" commanded Number Two. "PROMOTE ME" said no one in particular. The caller was startled by the reaction, but not frightened away. The caller had sent a message -- a response was given. There was a place for someone new here in this place that wasn't really a place. The overwhelming tide of messages, tales, jokes, fights, nonsense, poetry, more more more all coming together as one vast electronic wave the caller attempted to swim. Years of information gathered by many were here for the taking, and even the newest caller could add to the vast archives. The caller was one more drop of water. One more page in a book. One more grunt in an army. But that one small part of something so big can change the course of its host, leading it to something different and unexperienced, guiding not only the path of the place that was not a place, but the paths of those who also called the place into their own homes, onto their own monitors. The world grows smaller. Welcome, new user. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 07/01/94 AT 11:23:00 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=1 RASPBERRYS=1 DOINK=1749 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=103 Message # 447. Date: 07/02/94. Time: 12:20:50. Read 59 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Frequently asked questions without frequently answered answers What does doink mean? What does SQuish mean? What does ack mean? What does bink mean? What does semprini mean? What is a BOg? What does obfuscate mean? How come you capitalize the first two letters of some words? Who wrote the book of love? What does this button do? Who is Racer X? Who is the Pi Guy? What is my password? What is YOUR password? Why is that name flashing? What does it all mean, Mr. Natural? What does Bog me = 5 mean? What is the deal with HACK MAN's big toe? What grave did Gravebuster bust into? Why was Stranger ><-iled? What did Stranger lose in the boating accident? Where are the warez, d00d? Who are you, who who, who who? What BBS is this? Where are the onliners? Where is the Internet connection? Why a duck? Why a penguin? What is with the number 23? Who keeps bogging my posts? Who is the Evil Beard Lord? What time is it? What is my access? What's the frequency, Kenneth? What does tipping the Bell Captain do? What does the Bell Captain do with all his tips? Who is candy, really? Who are the Illuminati? What does defenestrate mean? What does raboof mean? How do I post? How do I edit a post? How do I scan for new messages? How do I save a message? Like this. .s MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/02/94 AT 13:52:49 Message # 448. Date: 06/14/94. Time: 07:48:04. Read 67 Times. From : Ghost To : Number Two Subj : stuff RECEIVED PERMIFIED Even when all we strive to illuminate is the dark corners of our own minds? The candle, once lit, is easily blown out, but remembered, the memory alone can light the last cobwebby alcove of fading mortality. Else we'd all settle for marmalade. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 07/02/94 AT 11:42:28 Message # 449. Date: 06/20/94. Time: 00:14:38. Read 66 Times. From : Ghost To : Gravebuster Subj : A shameless plug RECEIVED PERMIFIED The standards that drive the system were developed by the minds of the Age of Reason, who unreasonably had faith in the perfectibility of man and his creations. Their ideals were the yardstick used to measure out the limits of the institution we call government. To actually set out to create a form of self-government was and is an experiment of absolutely breathtaking optimism. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 07/02/94 AT 12:40:07 Message # 450. Date: 06/22/94. Time: 22:15:11. Read 75 Times. From : Gravebuster To : Number Two Subj : and slowly the nun bleached her dog RECEIVED PERMIFIED Well, I'm sorry that the motivation of Stranger as concerning the obliteration of the universe as we gnow it by the simultaneous presence of both of us in the same general location is so difficult for you to express through the electronic media that you have decided such explanantion is not worth the effort. However, neither do I, for that matter. Alas, the subject shall be released of its importance, and no one will ever understand why they convert from obliviousness to oblivion. Oh, well, on to oblivescence. +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 07/02/94 AT 12:58:37 #450. Message # 451. Date: 06/25/94. Time: 20:00:35. Read 93 Times. From : KEn To : all Subj : demons while i wake PERMIFIED would that I could summon the demons to take this curse from me, I dont gnow if I would. I listen to Bloddletting as these things fly in and out of my head teling me these things that I shouldn't gnow. My teeth grow sharp as the beast that was once my formal self begins to emerge,, TAKE THIS CURSE from me as I cannot live with the taste upon my lips. I look at those who would lead normal lives and wonder whonormal I appear, if my teeth can be seen if only for an instant, or the smell of blood can be smelled upon my breath..... Take this pain from as I can no longer care who it is I eat.... I REmain MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 07/02/94 AT 13:27:18 Comments : OBFUSCATED=3 WOW!=2 Message # 452. Date: 07/02/94. Time: 10:55:02. Read 64 Times. From : Aleric To : wintermute Subj : Hello RECEIVED PERMIFIED Okay...it takes too much effort to be normal anyway. -Aleric MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Stranger ON 07/02/94 AT 14:52:10 Message # 453. Date: 03/21/94. Time: 02:38:19. Read 89 Times. From : Arwen Undomiel To : Mojo IV Subj : Directly RECEIVED PERMIFIED Arwen lights on the bar, resting during a lull in usually busy dinner hour at Falco's. This hour hasn't been the same since Stranger instilled a lust for "Blah!" in what was once Happy Hour. The cherub polishes the glasses while Muffin Man sleeps soundly in a pi-rub backpack between his mother's wings. Movement at the swinging doors of the Tavern attracts her diligent eye. As the diligent eye returns to join the other eye, resting happily into it's respective socket, she sees a large banana-colored slug, wearing brightly colored swim trunks and wearing a t-shirt with the phrase "BOG THIS!" in mustard-brown lettering and dragging a goatee behind him, slither past the piano toward the bar. "Mojo! What brings you to this part of New Linhir? Slide on up to the bar and let me get you a welcome home drink. What'll it be? A lime margarita with extra salt?" she says as she flutters above the bar. A mouth-like hole opened on Mojo's side just above his singular foot. "Ah, Arwen! Cherub of my Dreams! I had to gaze upon your red tresses once more. Let me caress your epidermas with my stalks!" The BOg SLug oozed onto a barstool. The cherub flittered and fluttered, obviously flustered. "Now Mojo, you gnow that I am a married cherub, with a babe besides! You just keep your appendages to yourself. What brings you this far south? Back to visit the BOg? I was just there myself last week. I had a complete makeover at the Be-nign BOg Beauty Boutique. I would recommend the mud bath to anyone." She shifted the pack as she felt Muffin Man aroused from slumber. "My dear, would that you thought better of me, or just thought about me at all. I am here to free you from the tether of that horrid pirate and take you with me up to the Great White North! Please tell me that you too have had fantasies of the two of us living in BOg BLiss?!" Mojo's face looked earnestly bland if it looked like anything. A light began to blink on Arwen's Glow Shield Helmet (made by Gravebuster's Produce and Manufacturing, Inc.) as a mechanical voice was heard to say "Warning. Warning. Blush overload in progress. Blush overload in progress. Alert. Alert." Arwen struggled with the contraption which looked like a cross between a California Highway Patrolman's helmet and orthodontic headgear. "Oh dear, now where is the button that lowers the shield on this thing. Oh, I gnew I should have gotten a second set of instructions to bring to work. Oh my!" She looked endearingly on the SLug. "Please Mojo. Don't go on with this. I fear for your safety. You must be insane to want to get involved with me. I think you misunderstood my intentions. Please, go while you can!" She fought the smile twitching somewhere near her mouth. Mojo puffed himself up as well as he could, stretching his bulk up far above the bar. "If you think that I am afraid of YellowBeard, you are wrong! I only want to have the opportunity to change your mind about me, sweet Arwen!" "You have fifteen seconds to reach minimum safe distance." the mechanical voice intoned. The light on the helmut blinked with more urgency. "Oooohhhh! I feel a Glow coming on! Please, Mojo, leave now!" "No! My toenails are non-existant and BINKs invade my dreams! What must I do fair auburn Arwen?" The SQuish Master slides closer to the cherub. Muffin Man chortles and coos with glee, squirming to get a better look at the SLug, only seconds before Arwen's face lights up with her trademark, blinding smile. Mojo, caught like a rat in a trap by the smile beam, begins to undulate and twitch. His eyestalks retract. His body spasms into a fetal-slug position, and his flesh begins to ooze protective secret secretions. "Oh! I'm melting, melting! You wicked, wicked little child! What a world! What a world!" Mojo exclaims, writhing in agony. Arwen tries to turn away, tries to find the button on her shield that lowers the visor, but can't seem to turn away. She finds herself enthralled by the BOg SLugs death throes. The Muffin Man responds by moving his finger in a horizontal motion across his lips while squealing loudly. It is the last noise Mojo IV ever hears before he becomes nothing more than a seething mass of goo. MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatoreum Of Obfuscated Obfuscations (Obfuscated!)" BY Gravebuster ON 07/06/94 AT 07:45:47 Comments : NO WAY!=1 HAHAHA=101 RASPBERRYS=1 BRAVO!=100 WOW!=42 OH MY GOD!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 454. Date: 03/23/94. Time: 13:11:03. Read 95 Times. From : Grazz't To : all Subj : The intro poem PERMIFIED The little poem when you enter this sub-board, seems to me to be far to clear. So, I've written my own version: A 300 pound mule attacked me one day Demanding a phone booth and San Francisco bay He said that the fishies had all turned the key And opened the door to the obfuscatery When inside I found a loud airy void Bereft of conciousness I turned into Freud Slipping on rubber the toilet is pure Of what I do talk, I'm not really sure... MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatoreum Of Obfuscated Obfuscations (Obfuscated!)" BY Gravebuster ON 07/06/94 AT 07:46:52 Comments : WHO CARES=1 BRAVO!=101 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 455. Date: 06/10/94. Time: 01:35:56. Read 92 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : REALITY AND UNCERTAINTY PERMIFIED THE HEISENBERG UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE IS A LABEL PLACED BY SCIENCE ON THE SUB ATOMIC EVIDENCE/EFFECTS OF MAGIC/MIRACLES. THE HEISENBERG UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE STATES THAT SCIENCE CANNOT SIMULTANEOUSLY MEASURE THE DIRECTION AND SPEED OF ANY ATOM. THIS HAS FAR REACHING IMPLICATIONS IN PHYSICS ALONE AND GIVES RISE TO THE QUANTUM THEORY. STATED IN DIFFERENT WORDS, YOU CANNOT SIMULTANEOUSLY GNOW WHERE SOMETHING IS AND WHERE IT IS GOING, AT LEAST NOT BY ANY LOGICAL MEANS. THIS UNCERTAINTY CAN EXTEND OUT TO THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, BECAUSE IT IS MADE OF ATOMS. THESE SUBATOMIC QUANTUM/HEISENBERG EFFECTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL RANDOMNESS IN THE UNIVERSE. BASICALLY, MIRACLES/MAGIC = UNCERTAINTY = RANDOMNESS. HOWEVER, ONLY SCIENCE IS UNCERTAIN ABOUT WHAT AN ATOM IS UP TO. THE ATOM CAN GNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT'S DOING AND WHERE IT IS AND WHERE IT IS GOING. SCIENCE ONLY SAYS THAT SCIENCE CANNOT TELL WHAT AN ATOM IS UP TO. THIS MEANS THAT RANDOMNESS IS NOT NECESSARILY AS RANDOM AS IT MIGHT SEEM. THERE IS OTHER SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE FOR THIS CONCEPT. EVOLUTION IS GUIDED BY THE FORCE OF RANDOMNESS, AND YET - HERE WE ARE. WE ARE THE PRODUCTS OF RANDOMNESS. THE TRUE NATURE OF RANDOMNESS CANNOT BE UNDERSTOOD SCIENTIFICALLY WITHOUT CLOSELY STUDING IT'S SIMULTANEOUS EFFECTS ON TRILLIONS OF BEZILLIONS OF ATOMS, WHICH IS EXCEEDINGLY DIFFICULT FOR SCIENCE TO DO - BECAUSE THE HEISENBERG UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE FORBIDS IT. ONE OF THE OFFSHOOTS OF QUANTUM THEORY AND THE HEISENBERG PRINCIPLE IS THAT NOTHING EXISTS UNLESS IT IS SPECIFICALLY OBSERVED TO BE EXISTING. THIS IS EXEMPLIFIED IN THE "SHRODINGER'S CAT" THOUGHT EXPERIMENT (EINSTEIN'S TERM NOT MINE) WHICH SAYS THAT IF ONE WERE TO LOCK A CAT IN A BOX, THE CAT WOULD NEVER DIE UNTIL YOU REMOVED IT FROM THE BOX, BECAUSE WHILE IT IS IN THE BOX OUT OF SIGHT IT DOES NOT ACTUALLY EXIST. SOUNDS MYSTICAL TO ME, BUT IT'S ONLY REALITY. GOD DOES NOT PLAY DICE WITH THE UNIVERSE, GOD IS THE DICE IN THE UNIVERSE. C- - - MOVED FROM "The Demented Herbarium" BY IFNI ON 07/07/94 AT 19:06:03 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 456. Date: 07/03/94. Time: 02:36:05. Read 76 Times. From : Stranger To : blau reiders Subj : "Statuary" PERMIFIED "statuary" Tiny thoughts collect On dorsal arrangement And obstruct flow Fight fight fight The world and its spin Roll the earth up Heaven's hill But don't forget to falter Or you missed the Point. Keep your eyes open Discriminate wisely Lest you collect chaos Don't categorize me! Sleep when you need to dream Swim when you need to strive Ignore any and all advice Be unreal, a statue of yourself Kiss the Galatea within And pat Pygmalion on the head End your days smiling To offset the cries of birth Death is a return to darkness But nothing is primordial anymore And candles burn less brightly And I miss myself In the dark behind my eyes There is only light And the shadow of transformation. S.X. 7/2/94 MOVED FROM "The Demented Herbarium" BY IFNI ON 07/07/94 AT 19:30:16 Comments : WOW!=1 Message # 457. Date: 07/08/94. Time: 21:46:14. Read 90 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : The Retreat, maybe PERMIFIED Ack squish doink bink I'm not sure what I should think There's everything here but the kithen sink And it is almost like a zoo. Doink squish bink ack Lots of messages there's no lack, So even if I call with my Mac There's plenty for me to do. Squish bink ack doink There's nothing that really rhymes with doink, So this line will also end with doink Even if it really looks like poo. Bink ack doink squish For decent rhymes I've had to fish; I'm ending this line with Lillian Gish What else could be used in lieu? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 07/10/94 AT 10:51:55 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=102 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 458. Date: 07/11/94. Time: 23:35:38. Read 60 Times. From : Mikester To : Mikester Subj : Couplet RECEIVED PERMIFIED Then at last, unfettered by the world that surrounds, I can reach out, beyond previously known bounds Grasping for those things formerly out of reach And for that knowledge others neglected to teach, And become at last a person on my own -- If only I begin to strive for the unknown. (G./M.) MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 07/12/94 AT 08:00:52 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 459. Date: 06/28/94. Time: 08:03:22. Read 71 Times. From : Ghost To : Stranger Subj : Hm. RECEIVED PERMIFIED When friendship touches hand to hand the night's unreasoning fears are gloved. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 07/13/94 AT 23:07:31 Message # 460. Date: 05/17/94. Time: 00:17:24. Read 165 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Wooba wooba PERMIFIED It's one of those days. I'm tired. Letterman is playing on the television behind me. I'm tired. There's a soda sitting on my desk next to my keyboard. It is slowly growing warm. My back hurts. What time is it? There's a television sitting on my desk next to my keyboard. It's one of those sodas. Letterman is playing on the keyboard behind me. I have to go to work tomorrow. My soda hurts. It's one of those hurts. I'm tired. I have a pile of books I still need to read. There's a pile of books sitting on my television next to my back. What soda is it? My keyboard is slowly sitting. One of those days is playing on the television behind me. It is slowly growing warm. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 05/18/94 AT 12:19:46 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Lynx ON 05/25/94 AT 23:59:36 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Stranger ON 05/26/94 AT 01:34:06 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Lynx ON 05/27/94 AT 00:37:45 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Enemies of Lynx, Inc. ON 06/01/94 AT 18:11:28 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Lynx ON 06/01/94 AT 23:47:58 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 07/14/94 AT 05:53:54 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 #460. Message # 461. Date: 06/03/94. Time: 11:44:04. Read 85 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : A Joke Geometrique PERMIFIED Rene Descarte went into a restaurant. He ordered a bowl of soup, and it was wonderful. What a great meal he had enjoyed. A waiter came up to him and asked, "Monsieur, would you like any dessert?" Descarte replied, "I think not." And promptly disappeared. Stranger (Wooba Wooba) MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 07/14/94 AT 05:54:20 Comments : HUH?=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 462. Date: 06/03/94. Time: 23:54:01. Read 93 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Fake...all fake PERMIFIED It was a cold Saturday afternoon, and Mojo and Mikester were paying their weekly visit to the "Oxnard Video Deli." They had just bought two roast beef subs and rented "National Geographic's Unpleasant Vistas of Nature Volume IX: Bugs Gettin' It On." As they were preparing to leave, Mojo espied (yes, "espied") a large booth, similar to one of those "four photos for a buck" stands, pushed away into an isolated corner of the retail area. "Hey, look!" said Mojo, "what is that I espy with my little eye?" "Huh...I have no idea. Let's take a closer look," replied Mikester. Mojo and Mikester ambled over to the booth to take the aforementioned closer look. The booth was about seven feet high, about seven feet long, and seven feet wide. Okay, it's a cube. A big black cube. There was a door in one side of the cube, and that door was as bl the rest of the booth. Mojo and Mikester looked at each other for a moment, shrugged, opened the door, and entered. Inside, the cramped room was lit by a small light in the ceiling. Hanging from one wall was one headset and a number of wires, gloves, and other connections. On another wall was a console with a few labeled buttons. Above the console was a large sign that read "VIRTUAL REALITY." "Wow! Cool!" said Mojo. "Let's try it out!" "Yeah, okay," replied Mikester. "How much does it cost?" Mojo pointed at a slot on the console. "It says, 'INSERT CREDIT CARD HERE.'" "Hmmm...that's not a good sign." Mikester shrugged, then reached for his wallet. "Oh, well, I'm nowhere near my thirty-five dollar limit on my Visa...let's try it out." He pulled out his credit card and inserted it into the slot, while Mojo donned the gloves, taped the connections to his body, and placed the helmet upon his head, covering his eyes and ears. There was a brief whirring sound, and the buttons and labels on the console shone with a bright light. "Okay, Mojo, what do want to try first?" Mikester peered at the labels. "Do you want to try 'Weightless in Space,' or 'Wild West Roundup,' or 'Lacy Lucy's Lair of Licentiousness,' or...." "Yeah, yeah, THAT ONE!" shouted Mojo. "Okay...'Wild West Roundup,' here we come!" Mikester pressed one of the lit buttons. "No, gosh dang it...." There was a whirling of light, an explosion of sound, and Mojo suddenly found himself standing in the middle of a dirty road. There were people crowded along the sides of the road, standing in front of wooden storefronts. Mojo saw signs that read "BARBER AND PAINLESS DENTIST," "SALOON," "GENERAL STORE," and realized he was in somebody's idea of what the wild west might have been like. "Wow," he thought to himself. "It looks pretty neat. I wonder what I'm supposed to do?" Mojo was pulled from his observations by someone shouting the word, "DRAW!" It was then Mojo realized that while he was busy sightseeing at the sides of the road, he was ignoring the computer generated person at the other end of the road with whom he was apparently supposed to be having a shootout. Mojo felt the virtual impact of virtual bullets in his virtual chest, and Mojo removed his helmet. "Not that one!" he admonished Mikester. He put the helmet pack on his head. "I want to try...." "'Weightless in Space,' sure thing!" Mikester pressed another button. Mojo was, as promised by the label next to the button, weightless in space. There was nothing but blackness about him, dotted only sporadically by stars. "Hmmph," thought Mojo. "Real space would have a lot more visible stars." And he floated. And he floated. And he floated. And he floated. And he floated. He floated some more. Then he floated again. The stars remained unmoving. Nothing happened. Mojo floated. Mojo removed his helmet. "God, 'Ishtar' was more exciting." He wagged his finger at Mikester. "Now could we try the 'Lacy Lucy' scenario?" "Oh, okay. You wacky kid." Mojo put the helmet back on, and Mikester pressed the button. The room was covered with light veils and curtains, and soft classical music drifted out from an unknown source. Mojo reached for a curtain that brushed against his shoulder, and found it silky to the touch. "Wow...this virtual reality stuff is pretty thorough." Mojo pressed his way through the veils, and suddenly found himself near a large heart-shaped bed. He walked closer to the bed, studying its large red pillows and pink blankets. From behind him, he heard a pleasant voice say to him, "I've been waiting for you." Mojo turned, and saw a beautiful woman, tall with red hair, dressed in what looked like the same sort of veils that drifted down from the unseen ceiling. The veils were overlaid to the point of being opaque...almost. "Uh, hi" he stammered out. "Well, well, well, what ever shall we do first?" she said with a lilting voice, as she sauntered over to Mojo's side. She began to [SECTION REMOVED OUT OF CONSIDERATION FOR OUR YOUNGER READERS. I'm no pornographer, you lecherous swine!] "Well, how was that?" Mikester asked. "Uh...uh..." replied Mojo. "Sorry I pulled you out of that scenario...this little display here tells me I've almost reached the limit of my credit, and I want to try this out. Here, let me take this" -- Mikester pried the helmet out of Mojo's hands -- "and let me give this a little spin." Mikester put the helmet on his head, being careful not to dislodge his toupee. "Okay, press that last button there." "Huh, what...oh, okay." Mojo shook off the effects of his last virtual experience and pressed the button labeled "VIRTUAL REALITY REALITY." Mikester woke up, and laid in bed for a few moments, stretching out his arms and legs. He got up out of bed before he could fall back asleep again, and immediately jumped into the shower. After a few minutes, he got out of the shower, toweled off, and got dressed. He left his bedroom and heading into the kitchen, where he slapped together a quick breakfast of buttered toast and a banana. He finished his breakfast, and placed his dished in the sink. He then walked out the front door, locking that door behind him. He walked out to his truck, which was parked in front of the house. He got into his truck, started it, and began his commute to work. He drove through the residential area, then merged onto the freeway. He drove along the freeway for about fifteen minutes, and left the freeway at an offramp. He drove through a business area, and parked behind a strip of building. He got out of his truck, locked his truck, and unlocked the back door to his place of employment. He entered the building, and passed through the crowded back room and entered the retail area. He then began his eight hour work day, pausing only once during his customer service to have a brief lunch. At the end of the day, he locked the front door, rung out the register, and exited the building, turning off the lights and locking the back door as he left. He drove home, and reentered his house. He prepared a quick dinner of leftover meat, and sat down at the dinner table. He finished his dinner, then washed the dishes not only from his dinner, but from his breakfast as well. He entered the living room, where he sat down on a couch and vegetated in front of the television for a short while. He then turned off the television, went into his bedroom, removed his clothing, turned out the lights, and went to bed. "Ah...this whole virtual reality thing is overrated" criticized Mikester. He removed the helmet and other connections, letting them drop to their hanging positions against the wall. He pulled his credit card out of the slot and put it back in his wallet. "Let's go watch our nature film," he said to Mojo. "Yeah, at least that's real." Mojo shook his head. "'Virtual' is just another word for 'fake,' after all." Mojo and Mikester exited the booth, exited the "Oxnard Video Deli," and headed off into the real world. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 07/14/94 AT 05:57:50 Comments : RASPBERRYS=1 BRAVO!=2 Message # 463. Date: 06/20/94. Time: 19:40:58. Read 70 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Spot Subj : Happy Cat Day! PERMIFIED -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Ode to Spot as delivered by Data on Star Trek: The Next Generation episode "Schisms" Felis catus is your taxonomic nomenclature. An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature. Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses. I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, a singular development of cat communications that obviates your basic hedonistic predilection for a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection. A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents; you would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance. And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion, It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion. O Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array. And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend, I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- whoever thought that up is really SQuishy. Shay Pas (No, Bill, it's not really Cat Day) MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 07/14/94 AT 06:12:30 Message # 464. Date: 06/15/94. Time: 17:03:04. Read 68 Times. From : Mikester To : Stranger Subj : The Young Zen Maniacs of Olliramac RECEIVED PERMIFIED As a card-carrying member of the Young Zen Maniacs of Olliramac fan club, I have nothing to fear. See, here's my signed 8x10 glossy photo of Chief Zen Maniac, my four-color club button, my stationery set, and the aforementioned card, which indicates my member number (#5561), my name (well, you gnow), my rank (Obsessive 1st Class), and allows me to receive a 10% discount at all participating Blockbuster Video stores. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "The Peoples Republic Of Anti-Posters Embassy" BY HACK MAN ON 07/14/94 AT 06:32:58 Message # 465. Date: 06/23/94. Time: 04:39:22. Read 83 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : flush PERMIFIED i am a river i drink myself i am a river i am ouroubouros man contortionist man i do what i can to free myself man i do what i can to be myself man i do what i can to feed myself with my self see the tree I be and lean on me to be see the tree lean on me see me be feed me and i will grow uproot me and i will cling suit me and I will sing to you I will cling and sing and grow unto you I will ring you with me linger with you lift you with me see you lift me with you up to me and you and I will laugh and so will you lift me and I will laugh lilting lambent lines skin me with your verbal tines, knead me with your churning rhymes your burning times your turning crimes your moaning loving livid signs send a sign a prophet of you a profit designed to spend you to lend you in earnest interest a son to speak in tongues a star of hope to set on me to fill my lungs with memory to thrill my eyes with energy lost in harmony of form, torn thru to soul conspiracy unborn, alone and whole and last not lost on me but lost in me i i am a river i drink myself i am a river MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 07/14/94 AT 13:23:19 Comments : WAY!=34 BRAVO!=43 Message # 466. Date: 06/29/94. Time: 22:21:36. Read 87 Times. From : Mikester To : Everyone except you Subj : Warning: Rage Ahead PERMIFIED This world is stupid and getting stupider. I was watching MTV, a dubious viewing choice at best, on and off for most of the day today, and happened to see something called the Grind. Okay, dance shows, fine, I watched American Bandstand when I was a kid, I don't have a problem with it. But, man, they might as well have their private parts whipped out and intermingling. It's like watching the frigging Kama Sutra put to a dance beat! What the hell, man? There must be a lot of proud parents out there, watching their lovely little daughter prance and gyrate between two guys out by the seashore! I also noticed a bunch of people wearing baggy pants. Not baggy pants...REALLY baggy pants. Pants being held up apparently by their nether regions. What the hell are they thinking!? What's going through that vestigial clump of nerve endings that can almost, but not quite, be loosely defined as a "brain?" Are they thinking, "Boy, I sure do look cool with my boxer shorts sticking up a good foot and a half above the waistband of my pants!" Do they realize everybody else is thinking, "Boy! That guy must not have been able to gather up the sufficient strength to lift his drawers all the way up to his waist!" Another thing about MTV, and other entertainment sources of the same phylum like KROQ -- if, by some strange occurrence, that MTV or KROQ or whatever happens to get their grubby little pincers on some act that may quite possibly be within spitting distance of being half-way cool, they DRIVE IT INTO THE FRIGGING GROUND by playing the song every single chance they get, playing it over and over and over and over and over and over and over until even the most cretinous of their viewers/listeners begin to form the idea that they're, shockingly enough, TIRED of hearing the same damn song! Then, two years later, when these kids have gone on to the next trendy band, wearing the next trendy fashion as suggested by Details or Sassy (I predict bulletproof vests), they'll claim that they NEVER LIKED the band in question in the first place! (Of course, the CDs and cassettes are shoved to the rear of the closet or rotting underneath the front seat of the Datsun with the Burger King wrappers, but they'll never tell any of their current month's friends.) It doesn't matter anyway...eventually all media will be owned by one person who will decide who gets to be popular and who gets to be exposed and who gets to have access to the FIRST FRIGGING AMENDMENT! That reminds me...did you like the Press Courier? Gee, too bad. Apparently we decided a big city paper like THE LA TIMES would be much better for us. The Courier wasn't gone for a week, when the LA TIMES began pushing for subscriptions again, this time going door to door again emphasizing "EXPANDED VENTURA COUNTY COVERAGE" -- gee, how timely of them! Why don't they dig up the rotting corpse of the Courier; I don't think it's been danced and spit upon enough! I hate the LA TIMES, I hate the articles, I hate Robert Hilburn ("Oh, this album isn't Bruce Springsteen; I don't like it"), I hate the full-page ads for Sears white sales crowding out news about Korea, I hate the fact that TREES DIED for this paper. Okay, maybe the paper itself isn't so bad...NO! NO COMPROMISE! All or nothing! The pushy phone salesmen that call at 8:30 at night to pressure you into getting a subscription! SCREW THEM! JUST SCREW THEM! And screw all those people who apparently MISSED SCHOOL when the teacher covered APOSTROPHES! APOSTROPHES, for God's sake! It's not like frigging BRAIN SURGERY! What the hell? It's = it is, its = possessive form. That's IT! That's all there is to it! "Whoops, I'm no genius...I'd better practice." JUMPIN' JUDAS ON A POGO STICK! Store signs, supposedly crafted by professionals FOR professionals, even have these mistakes! Look at "CARLS JR." There had better damn well be more than one Carl in charge, or I'm going to frigging shoot the person who designed that logo. WHERE'S THE APOSTROPHE!? Did it fall off the sign and into a vat of that goo that may someday eventually resemble meat? Jeez, what the hell is wrong with you people? What damaged your chromosomes? Are your parents cousins? What the hell, man? It's people like you that make me want to take to wearing scuba gear all the time so that whatever airborn virus that made your brain cease functioning doesn't invade my lungs. Oh, yeah, something else. That thing on the side of your steering wheel? It's a FRIGGING TURN SIGNAL! Those lines on the road? MAYBE you should LOOK AT THEM ONCE IN A WHILE! Would that be so hard? Maybe you should reread your Teen Driver's Handbook and refresh your FRIGGING memory, before you make me "DEAD BODY #3" in your own private "RED ASPHALT!" Oh, yeah, and occasionally LOOK in the MIRROR when you change lanes, too! That would be REALLY REALLY nice, and I gnow how inconvenient it is to pry your eyes away from your removable CD player as you're trying to put in your disk of eight different remixes of "WHOOMP! THERE IT IS!" So just piss off. But don't take it personally. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Hall of Flame!" BY HACK MAN ON 07/15/94 AT 04:26:43 Comments : NO WAY!=1 HUH?=4 DOINK=2 ARGH!=34 BLAH=1 BOG ME=49 PROMOTE ME=23 Message # 467. Date: 06/13/94. Time: 04:50:32. Read 83 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : sacred chao PERMIFIED This message has no purpose other than to have no purpose, but that purpose which is not a purpose except in some ways is admirable in and of its non self if you gnow what i mean, or even if you don't--ducks fly independently of lone falling arboreal towers. move along, these are not the posts you are looking for. Stranger MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY HACK MAN ON 07/15/94 AT 04:51:14 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY HACK MAN ON 07/15/94 AT 04:54:43 Message # 468. Date: 07/03/94. Time: 23:37:47. Read 70 Times. From : Mikester To : Gravebuster Subj : Hear Ye, Hear Ye RECEIVED PERMIFIED And let it also be gnown that the Mikester has foresaken any pretense at being a civilized human being, and that he, having flung himself toupee-first into amorality, has sworn to bring about the very downfall of humanity (POGs, comic books, and the dreaded Ace of Base CD being only the tip of the Mikester's iceberg of depravity). Let is additionally be gnown that the Mikester shall further implement his plan by selling cigars to preschoolers, bootlegging Hudson Brothers compact discs, flatulating in elevators and not saying "excuse me," not wiping his feet before entering the house, dubbing off copies of movies rented from video stores and even daring to include the FBI warning at the beginning of the dubs, and making fun of people wearing really really baggy pants (the last item being the one good thing about the Mikester that, by comparison, will make all of his behavior seem all that much worse). And let it be gnown that the Mikester shall continue to refer to himself in the third person, thus distressing and disturbing all those who read his posts. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 07/15/94 AT 05:46:05 Comments : HAHAHA=2 Message # 469. Date: 07/21/94. Time: 21:59:53. Read 62 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Jehan Subj : Um... RECEIVED PERMIFIED I'm a 100%er. I used to be crazy, right now I am sane, I prayed to be normal and now I complain. Woe is me. Woe is amoeba. Me be a silly soul tonight. I'm in flight, raking the sky, reeking of ether. Wheeee I see the ether bunny in a gunny sack, he's got slack and he don't look back. He must be an artist or a musician with a penchant for Listz. Come on baby, let's do the twist, he can't resist. Gotta get the gist and out of this rhymthm pattern and into another world. Pop goes the bubble. a.o. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 07/22/94 AT 07:48:48 Comments : OBFUSCATED=5 DOINK=1 Message # 470. Date: 07/16/94. Time: 10:03:28. Read 63 Times. From : The Music Man To : Mikester Subj : The Retreat, maybe RECEIVED PERMIFIED Usually happens a lot of the time to those who simply have to rhyme with meter in all they may create like typing with margins straight That in trying rhyming of schemes finding the words is not as seems to be when we at first set out to create something that end in tune With what we wanted when be began as line length gives us trouble and the rhymes grow harder and tin pan as all metering get out of hand And we end up with something stupid... -TMM (I hate poetry...) MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 07/24/94 AT 00:15:02 Comments : HAHAHA=100 BRAVO!=100 PROMOTE ME=2 #470. Message # 471. Date: 07/17/94. Time: 21:53:01. Read 65 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Mojo IV Subj : BLAH! RECEIVED PERMIFIED All hail dis accordian. Dis accordian can play Lady of Spain backwards. a.o. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 07/24/94 AT 21:29:30 Message # 472. Date: 07/17/94. Time: 15:07:08. Read 63 Times. From : Mojo IV To : HACK MAN Subj : ..>? RECEIVED PERMIFIED QWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM`1234567890-=\[];',./\*!@#$%^&*()_+|{}:"<>? =>Mojo IV<= SQuishy BOgSLug ALL HAIL DISCORDIA! MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 07/24/94 AT 21:29:56 Message # 473. Date: 07/14/94. Time: 05:52:54. Read 72 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : BLAH! PERMIFIED WHY DOES EVERY SINGLE SUB HAVE 500 MESSAGES THAT I HAVEN'T READ? WHAT HATH I WROUGHT? C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 07/24/94 AT 21:31:38 Message # 475. Date: 06/03/94. Time: 11:44:04. Read 83 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : A Joke Geometrique PERMIFIED Rene Descarte went into a restaurant. He ordered a bowl of soup, and it was wonderful. What a great meal he had enjoyed. A waiter came up to him and asked, "Monsieur, would you like any dessert?" Descarte replied, "I think not." And promptly disappeared. Stranger (Wooba Wooba) MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:37:42 Comments : HUH?=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 476. Date: 05/28/94. Time: 16:56:38. Read 81 Times. From : Stranger To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : names RECEIVED PERMIFIED SQUISH! Stranger MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 05/29/94 AT 13:30:59 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:37:57 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 477. Date: 05/26/94. Time: 22:14:47. Read 84 Times. From : Mikester To : Mojo IV Subj : Post 2200 RECEIVED PERMIFIED I must dive deep into the BOg then, and see if I can't retrieve these lost posts. Who's with me? "I am!" shouted Mojo. "I gnew you would be, faithful SLug!" Mikester looked at the motley collection of scallywags and rastabouts the crowded the deck of the ship. "As good of a mate Mojo is, I'm gonna need more! Who's with me?" One fellow near the rear of the crowd, wearing an eyepatch on his shoulder and a parrot on his eye, yelled out, "Arrrrrrr! There be any treasure innit for us, cap'n?" The rest of the crowd began hooting and shouting -- they too wanted to gnow what was in it for them. "There is the treasure of gnowledge and the regaining of that part of history long since lost!" replied Mikester, who then noticed that the crowd didn't seem to interested in gnowledge for gnowledge's sake. Mikester quickly added, "Oh, yeah...there's...uh...chests full of gold and stuff too!" The pirates then shouted for joy and began pressing closer to Mikester, trying to gain favorable positions on the expedition. Soon, the diving crew was selected. Mikester (of course), his trusted first mate Mojo, the nefarious Stranger, and the mysterious Shade, who, ungnown to him, would be used as a sacrifice to appease the mighty BOgLOrd should the expedition happen upon the BEarded guardian of the BOg. Entering the diving bell, they quickly descended. (Many technical details have been quickly glossed over, because I have no idea what would be entailed in such an expedition. Give me a break, okay? I'm just trying to tell a story here.) Lower and lower into the dark reaches of the BOg sank the four men...the BOg, dark as it was at the top, was an absolute pitch black here near the bottom. It was really black. I mean, black. Like tar, almost. Trust me on this...it was darn black. Anyhoo...the diving bell suddenly lurched downward, a startling movement given the thick, gooey substance of the BOg. From outside the bell a bright light shone, and Stranger, looking outside, shouted "Hey! We're in some kind of cave! There's torches and stuff." Mikester, having confirmed what Stranger saw, decided to disembark. The four men gathered outside of the bell, and looked up to see the BOgstuff swirling about outside of the cave, but not passing through the entrance. "Huh," thought Mojo, "I wonder how that works." "It works that way because that is what I wish." The crew whirled around at the sound of the voice, and were confronted by a man with flowing red hair and a long pointy beard. "I am the BOgLOrd. Welcome to my home." "Er...uh..." said Mikester. He pushed Shade toward the BOgLOrd. "Look, I brought this fellow with us. You can eat him if you want." "Hey...what!?" said Shade. "No no no..." said the BOgLOrd. "I have all I can eat down here." "Uh..." replied Mikester, with a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach, "what is it exactly that you eat down here?" The BOgLOrd smiled his bearded smile and replied "Why, old posts, of course. If I didn't, the BOg would swirl up and over the rest of the world, sucking it into a SQuishy vortex. Why, is that a problem?" "Uh, no," Mikester replied. "Um...you wouldn't happen to have any chests of gold lying around, do you?" "I have this Special Beat album you can have." "Thanks, anyways," replied Mikester, and then the story suddenly ended, because I ran out of things to say. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:38:25 Comments : HAHAHA=2 OBFUSCATED=23 PROMOTE ME=5 Message # 478. Date: 05/09/94. Time: 08:55:12. Read 87 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Raboof! PERMIFIED I raboof You raboof He/she/it raboofs We raboof They raboof He had raboofed recently. We were busy raboofing. Having raboofed for hours, he was very tired. Raboof. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:38:39 Comments : RASPBERRYS=1 BLOWS!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 GIVE ME A BREAK!=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 479. Date: 04/29/94. Time: 21:54:49. Read 91 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Tattoos...Computers.... PERMIFIED Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... Tattoos...Computers.... --the Mikester (I have a small VIC-20 stenciled on my rear.) MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:38:54 Comments : HAHAHA=1 OH MY GOD!=23 BOG ME=1 Message # 480. Date: 04/25/94. Time: 12:35:35. Read 76 Times. From : Grazz't To : all Subj : Tattoo's Well, I finally got around to doing something I've been meaning to do for about 2 years. I have a tattoo of the bar-code off a large can of Spam(tm), on my left arm..... Just thought you'd like to know... Of course my co-workers think I'm sick...but we gnow better. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:39:14 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 #480. Message # 481. Date: 03/30/94. Time: 00:27:26. Read 62 Times. From : HACK MAN To : NiP Subj : money RECEIVED PERMIFIED SO YOU WANT TO RAISE MANY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS RIGHT AWAY: (BY H. MAN) A: VOLUNTEER FOR MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS. (SELL A KIDNEY (CAN I HAVE YOUR LIVER?)) B: SUDDENLY REMEMBER ABOUT A LITTLE WEEKEND THAT YOU SPENT WITH MICHAEL JACKSON. C: SELL YOUR OWN CALLING CARD NUMBER. (IT MAY BE NECESSARY TO DECLARE BANKRUPTCY AT A LATER DATE.) D: SELL YOUR BODY, AND/OR SELL YOURSELF INTO SLAVERY. (DEPENDING ON HOW GOOD LOOKING YOU ARE.) E: INVENT THE "HULA HOOP / PET ROCK" OF THE 90'S. F: DISCOVER COLD FUSION IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR. G: EXPERIMENT WITH COLOR COPIERS. H: CLAIM THAT YOU ARE A FORMER BOYFRIEND OF LORENA BOBBIT AND SELL YOUR STORY TO "HARD COPY." (IF THEY ASK FOR PHYSICAL PROOF THIS SOLUTION COULD BE QUITE PAINFUL.) I: FIND THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE HIDDEN UNDERNEATH A PICTURE OF DOGS PLAYING POKER. J: PLAY CRAPS AND WIN ABOUT 10 TIMES IN A ROW. K: SPRING JOHN GOTTI LOOSE FROM JAIL. L: POUR CRAZY GLUE INTO THE LOCK ON THE BACK DOOR OF SOME ARMORED CAR (WHILE THE DOOR IS OPEN) AND THEN FOLLOW THEM AROUND AS THEY GO OVER SPEED BUMPS. C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:41:41 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 482. Date: 03/16/94. Time: 23:12:20. Read 91 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Guess who's been playing Infocom games? PERMIFIED The BOg of Eternal Stench An interactive text adventure (c) 1985 by ><-ilecom. (Restoring saved position.) (Okay.) HALL, NORTH END You are at the north end of a north-south hall. There is a closed door to your east. The door is locked. The key turns with a satisfying click. The door creaks open, revealing beyond it a small cluttered room. SMALL ROOM You enter a somewhat cluttered room, where Stranger is sitting on what may have once been a couch. He lifts a mug in your direction in greeting. "Hi! C'mon in!" The only exit is to the west. "Hi!" (Which accident do you mean - the boating accident, or the fork accident?) "That wasn't an accident," replies Stranger with a gleam in his eye. Stranger takes a drink from his mug, and looks at you expectantly. There is nothing but dust there. There's no room - Stranger is sitting on the only safe part of the couch. SMALL ROOM You enter a somewhat cluttered room, where Stranger is sitting on what may have once been a couch. The only exit is to the west. "'Bye!" Stranger calls out. HALL, NORTH END You are at the north end of a north-south hall. There is an open door to your east. You are carrying a key a fish a credit card (not yours) a Hardy Boys coloring and activity book a BOg MUshroom a "Lidsville" lunchpail it looks like the lunchpail contains a toupee HALL You are halfway through a north-south hall. There is an aquarium here. There is a window to your west. (I don't know the word "thorugh") All you see through the window are the vast rolling waves of the BOg. HALL, SOUTH END You are at the south end of a north-south hall. There are closed doors to your east and south. Opened. BATHROOM In this room are all the things you expect to find in a bathroom. You don't need to. You're already there. HALL, SOUTH END You are at the south end of a north-south hall. There is a closed door to your east and an open door to your south. Opened. BOg You are sucked mercilessly into the rolling and crushing waves of the BOg. You lose all sense of direction as you are tossed about. You try to fight the waves of the BOg, but to no avail. You try to fight the waves of the BOg, but to no avail. You try to fight the waves of the BOg, but to no avail. You ease into the rhythms of the BOg, finding yourself able to navigate the waves. BOg. You BOb upon the now gentle waves of the BOg. To your west, you see the very small house that rests upon one of the more stable portions of the BOg. To your south, you see a vast figure darkly looming over that portion of the BOg. Nondescript waves of the BOg roll in every other direction. You BOb slowly to the south, coming closer to the giant figure that looms to the south. Nondescript waves of the BOg roll in every other direction. As you BOb ahead, the vast figure dips its mighty bearded head, as if finally noticing you. It bends down, allowing its prehensile beard to grasp you and lift you out of the BOg. The figure's huge eyes focus upon you, and you know that you are soon to shuffle off the mortal coil. The figures flings his head backwards, tossing you into the farthest reaches of the BOg SEa, so remote that you will never find your way back to safety, and no amount of BObbing or RIding will sustain your existence. *****You have died***** You scored 3.14159 out of a possible 100 points. This gives you a ranking of "BOg URchin." Would you like to play again? (yes or no) Thank you for playing! See you soon! MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:42:18 Comments : OBFUSCATED=23 BRAVO!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 PROMOTE ME=8 Message # 483. Date: 03/08/94. Time: 20:28:19. Read 92 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Your horoscope PISCES: Love is only a phone call away -- unfortunately, it's a 976 number. ARIES: Your life takes a turn for the better, until you take that ill-fated plane trip. TAURUS: You will lose an important part of your body in a boating accident. GEMINI: Leather goods, pulleys, intricate knots, and livestock will begin to play greater roles in your romantic life. CANCER: An old friend will return to your life, looking for that ten bucks you owe him. LEO: You will be swept into the arms of a mysterious lover, who will take you on exciting trips to foreign lands, flinging yourselves from one fast-paced dangerous and erotic adventure to another, until you find yourself naked in a hotel room in Fairfax, VA, with all of your traveller's checks missing. VIRGO: Pretty much business as usual, except look out for one-legged men with big hats offering you deals on mass quantities of fish. LIBRA: You will spend the entire week measuring things. SCORPIO: Career opportunities abound -- for all of your friends, who take great delight in telling you about their wonderful high-paying jobs. SAGITTARIUS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! CAPRICORN: You will pick the correct numbers in the lottery, but this will be the week you neglect to buy a ticket. AQUARIUS: You will hang around with a group of poorly dressed teenagers, singing songs about your hair. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:42:43 Comments : HAHAHA=23 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 484. Date: 03/07/94. Time: 17:09:36. Read 64 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Mikester Subj : Now it can be told. RECEIVED 1##. Number 180 is not correct. Black is full of color. The light that black absorbs is just not reflected. White has no color in it; it reflects all the light. So, black clothing on hot days absorbs the sun's light/heat waves. Shay Pas Comments: WHO CARES=1 BEAVIS IS COOL=3 NO WAY, BUTTHEAD IS COOL=2 YOU'RE ALL WRONG, CHER ROCKS!=1 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:43:01 Comments : WAY!=1 OH MY GOD!=1 BLAH=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 485. Date: 02/25/94. Time: 09:31:38. Read 92 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Now it can be told. 1. Number Two's beard is fake...give it a good tug next time you see him. 2. Jim Davis has not, in fact, drawn Garfield in many years. 3. The Monkees did not play their own instruments, but they did sing songs written by Neil Diamond. 4. Jim Carrey is not, in fact, funny. 5. John Larroquette, Dan Fielding on TV's "Night Court," not only played a Klingon in a Star Trek movie, but he also provided off-screen narration for "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." 6. OBSCURE COMIC BOOK TRIVIA: Wolverine and Swamp Thing were created by the same person (Len Wein). 7. The man behind the grassy knoll (gnoll?) was also responsible for Stranger's boating "accident." 8. Gerald Ford is still President. 9. "Out of the Blue" is the most obscure "Happy Days" spin-off. 10. Mikester, in his free time, compares and contrasts the episodes of the Brady Bunch where they go to the Grand Canyon with the episodes where they go to Hawaii. 11. There is no number 11. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:43:51 Comments : HAHAHA=23 OBFUSCATED=5 BRAVO!=2 BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 486. Date: 02/13/94. Time: 00:58:46. Read 93 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : MOre SQuishiness What, indeed, is SQuishiness? First discovered...no, that isn't the word, for many others have discovered SQuishiness long before. William Faulkner gnew of SQuishiness. William Shakespeare gnew of SQuishiness. Geoffrey "William" Chaucer gnew of SQuishiness. This state that we are attempting to describe was first dubbed "SQuishy" by, I ever so humbly admit, me, long ago and far away on that collection of magnetic particles gnown as "The Dimensional Nexus." It was the leader (and occasional tamer and/or playtester) of that very Nexus, Mojo IV, who threw himself pseudopod first into defining, through word and deed, the very state of SQuishiness. He renamed his portion of the BOg "the SQuishy BOg," thus forever attaching the state of SQuishiness to that electronic quagmire. SQuishiness, to this day, retains the dicapitalization that marks all things BOggish. We have examined the naming of that which is SQuishy...but we have yet to truly uncover that which is SQuishiness. Is it... 1) Confused silliness? 2) Ranting and howling? F) Wacky nihilism? $) The forgotten and the misused? Pi) Passive offensiveness? 9.2) Panicked reaction to an uncaring world? 14) No reaction to an uncaring world? &) Stream of consciousness opinion forced upon the unwary? Heck, I don't gnow. Let us look to the wisdom of Mojo for a clue... "Now, lets compare two posts: One Obfuscated, One SQuishy. 1. Obfuscated: I'd like a container of psycho-active chemicals. 2. SQuishy: Please may I have a blonde container of LSD, and two straws?" (from "The Ramifications of SQuishiness and its relationship to Obfuscation," Mojo IV, BOgSLug) One can see that SQuishiness is an invidualized method of dealing with and viewing the world...a form of logic that makes sense to those who are SQuishy, and causes the synapses of the non-SQuishy and others not aligned with and sympathetic to the SQuishy cause (such as obfuscates) to fuse into a large mass of goo, not unlike that liquid plastic used in milkshakes. SQuishiness, ultimately, is the state of being SQuishy. SQuish, and the world SQuishes with you, or at least around you. WHAT YOU SHOULD GNOW: This entire message is SQuishy. Mojo is SQuishy. Mikester is SQuishy. As stated by Mojo, Stranger is both SQuishy and obfuscated. Don't try this at home. SQuishiness is perfectly normal, except in normal people. In which case, it's not normal. Unless, in fact, that normal person is really not normal. The continued use of "normal" in this sentence is not normal. Normally. --------- Be proud of being SQuishy. If you believe you are not SQuishy, fear not...if you read this far, you ARE SQuishy. It's too late to go back. --the Mikester the ORiginal SQuisher! MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:44:10 Comments : RASPBERRYS=1 OBFUSCATED=25 ZZZZZZZ=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 487. Date: 02/12/94. Time: 16:54:37. Read 62 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Mikester Subj : True Crime RECEIVED PERMIFIED ARGH! i was sitting on the couch listening to music, minding my own business while mom and my sister were getting their daily fix of real life (i.e. Rescue 911, Unsolved Mysteries, Hard Copy etc.) and it comes on! ARGH! As the segment delves into the deep, dark world of BBSing, their eyes get wider and wider and their stares at me increasingly incredulous. ARGH! Ma once wondered if i was hacking or phreaking...shocked the DOINK! out me (didn't even gnow she gnew what phreaking was). I sta-- The door of the t.v. room pops open and the slightly balding head of Mr. Pas pokes in. He enters and sifts through the boxes of papers and junk lying around the room, eyes steal a glance at the monitor then innocently continue to roam the room. "Shay, have you seen the can opener around here?" "Umm," I pause, feigning a desparate search for the can opener. I lift the plastic plant off the television and shake my head sympathetically. "I'm sure it'll turn up later." "Uh-hum." I begin to type some garble-dee-goop about world peace as he slowly backs out the door. Smiling to myself, i erase the goop and continue to plot the demise of American government with my Satanic buddy. Shay Pas ("Aw, ma! That kind of stuff only happens on Prodigy!") MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:44:19 Comments : ARGH!=1 BLAH=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 488. Date: 01/19/94. Time: 18:58:05. Read 89 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Today's Subliminal Message MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:44:42 Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 489. Date: 01/01/94. Time: 21:43:22. Read 102 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Fun for the whole family PERMIFIED (Well, I hope this works.... :) ) R E T H U M B E S S L X I K B O R M O S T R A N G E R T J X E R H S H M H O U R S E W E K I D V S Q T B O M A V T J O L C B J O O U S E I V N W R T W L N N O I T I M R A N U Q S D H U F R J X N S A S N B T H I R G R V X O P I H N T E A S W T S I A N A M H K N C V L W M G J O W Y G E V O C U A T V C D K Q I T S O H G E A R K H I E L A C M M U B E H N H S B M E J L C E A I S E J A I I I N R M J V S X V H S U A C X X Q A C O R W I N M T R Q B R E M I S G M O W T R E B M U N H L S E A D L L I M M I K E S T E R ANAIS HACKMAN SQUISH BOG JEHAN STRANGER CORWIN MIKESTER TELLURA GHOST MOJO GRAVEBUSTER NUMBERTWO HACKINTOSH PHOENIX Print out a hard copy (or get out the felt tip pen and draw on your computer screen) and find all the names listed above! (If you're not in the crossword...no slight intended! Maybe next time!) --the Mikester MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:45:23 Comments : ZZZZZZZ=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 490. Date: 12/15/93. Time: 15:22:08. Read 66 Times. From : Ghost To : Tellura Subj : Uh RECEIVED PERMIFIED We always have a General Theme. But our Major Point is left-tenant in the dust of a sneaky wish to be the Captain of the team. Nowadays, even the Sargeant at arms has lost all power over our Corporal bodies, as we strive to achieve our Private agendas. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:45:36 Comments : DOINK=1 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 #490. Message # 491. Date: 12/13/93. Time: 21:56:53. Read 94 Times. From : Mikester To : Stranger Subj : Hey Mikester RECEIVED I hereby promise not to abuse this newfound power, unless I really want to. ;) Thanks, everybody! You like me, you really like me! --BAronet BOg MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:45:51 Comments : BLOWS!=1 BRAVO!=2345 OH MY GOD!=1 PROMOTE ME=12345 Message # 492. Date: 10/01/93. Time: 01:09:59. Read 76 Times. From : Duke Montegieu To : everybody Subj : achoo FOR TO VISIT A SICK How have you passed the night? -Very bad. I have not sleeped; I fell some pain everywhere body. Live me see your tongue, have you pain to the heads? -Yes, sir, some times. Are you altered? -Yes, i have thursty often. Let me feel your pulse. -it is some fever. -what may i to eat? You can take a broth. -Let me have another thing to do? Take care to hold you warme ly, and in two or 3 days you shall le cured. *dm MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 07/28/94 AT 12:46:50 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 493. Date: 07/24/94. Time: 00:20:50. Read 103 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : An Ode to Choleric Wastrel PERMIFIED O Wastrel! cast us from our repose With your "Huhs" and "Whats" and "I don't knows" Choleric was not his nature, though it seemed That choleric responses were all that were gleaned From those he encountered, and whatever they said Pierced not that rock he used for a head. However, Wastrel he was, through and through, In that whatever it was he attempted to do He took up our time, and HACK MAN's hard drive And brain cells and patience took a very deep dive. From whence he came, one could not say Though speculation arose, day after day That no one could indeed be this dense Without being a politician, or a post in a fence. Most frightening indeed, was his origin true In Mikester's mind, a fact gnown to few - Though in concept a jest most hilarious In practice became a burden most nefarious. The creator of the Wastrel began to discover The thoughts of his creation started to hover Over his life, dragging down his thoughts And in the Wastel's mind he found himself caught. O quick Death! bring to a timely end This Wastrel, who only continues to send Writings that lack in polish and wit And only purpose is to give us all fits. Finally, a fortunate decision freed us all From the Choleric Wastrel, who held in his thrall The attention of those who encountered his spoor And could not believe a mind could be so poor. Dead he is now, in that he no longer torments All of use here with his queries and laments, But pity his poor creator, for it would appear The Wastrel lives on, between Mikester's two ears. In the end we are only as real as we seem To those who gnow us only by the screen Upon which appears the words that we write By which we live and die, in the reader's sight. O Wastrel! cast us from our repose With your "Huhs" and "Whats" and "I don't knows" MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 07/29/94 AT 04:53:00 Comments : OBFUSCATED=666 BRAVO!=102 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 494. Date: 07/31/94. Time: 11:47:21. Read 61 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : stranger Subj : getting the lead out RECEIVED PERMIFIED Background music breaks in and plunders the conscious level briefly Brevity has it's place Time is and isn't Isn't it? it is getting boring Bring on the dancing horses... Hey Trigger- let's go. His wings spread wider than Texas his shadow darkens the moon I swoon in the center of the echo Ten headless horses pass overhead in traveling geese formation I honk for the fun it it I hear traffic I freak. I thought I was alone in this stoned prairie. I give cosmic spur to trigger and we get higher as we puff along Ah yes, that magic drag-on a joint You've got my number I've got yours What's up? a.o. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Stranger ON 07/31/94 AT 20:19:39 Message # 495. Date: 06/15/94. Time: 06:24:44. Read 78 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Stranger Subj : nuns like cows too RECEIVED PERMIFIED Disguise the limit! a.o. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 07/31/94 AT 21:44:34 Message # 496. Date: 05/22/94. Time: 21:59:50. Read 75 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : all Subj : PERMIFIED After too many instant logoffs on Do something weird, I finally got here. I couldn't leave without posting. post post post post post post post post post post It's post my bedtime. Bye a.o. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 07/31/94 AT 22:09:54 Message # 497. Date: 08/02/94. Time: 00:36:09. Read 58 Times. From : jackie ho To : Gravebuster Subj : Useless Trivia PERMIFIED basia reminds me of steely dan which reminds me of my best friends father which reminds me of my best friend which reminds me of the fact that i have not talked to her in over 6 months which reminds me that perhaps she is not my best friend anymore which reminds me of how crummy friendships can be which reminds me of why i hate people which reminds me that quite honestly this post was pointless... MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY Stranger ON 08/02/94 AT 02:46:13 Comments : OBFUSCATED=3 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 498. Date: 08/03/94. Time: 19:46:29. Read 65 Times. From : Ghost To : ALL Subj : Fool's Run PERMIFIED The walker escaped from the tangle of roads at the first gray seep of dawn. He moved quietly into the spreading light of the hills, admiring their slow green to gold ripening in this late, wet spring. The air was cold and crisp, surprisingly so for mid-May and sometimes wet with large, slow drops of rain that drummed around him, keeping time to the small crunch of his steps on rough ground. He moved with practiced deliberation. At first content to follow the lowest folds eroded by streams through the hills, later, as he warmed to his work, he began to move up through the first hanging valleys perfect for ambush, quietly noting the sentries that watched him as he passed. He scraped his feet purposefully on the path then to watch the jackrabbits flee to safety. Once a roadrunner paced him. Another time a sinuous line of quail crossed before him and flowed off into the brush. In the end, while not making as much distance as he had planned, the walker was satisfied to reach an old haunt. So he chose to stop on a rocky shelf below a hill, where the land fell away below him into a long valley. At first he simply spread a square of plastic on the ground and sat on it, tenting his hat and jacket about him against the intermittant rain, letting the weight of his pack lean against one knee. Slowly his eyes and ears opened up and out and tuned themselves to the colors and small sounds about him. And he sat and cut slivers of white cheese and ate them off his knife between cracker bites as he first watched a ribbon of red ants parade past the toes of one boot, then next the formal black and white and dun dress and regal strut of a Killdeer as it paced up to drink at a nearby seep of water, and, finally, after pausing to mimic the Killdeer's call in a moment of musical conversation, he looked out into the far distance, across the valley to the hills that rimmed the far side. Setting up his camp later, he angled the door to his small red tent carefully, taking great pains over just what view its door framed. And all that afternoon and most of the next day, he lay stretched out on his sleeping bag, ignoring the book under his hand, as he let the tides in his blood flow out to match the rhythm of the land around him. Sometimes he dozed mindlessly, and, in the unmeasured times between sleeps, he daydreamed, or listened to passing rainshowers, or simply watched the movement of clouds passing in front of his eyes. He noted the coming of snow that brushed only the tops of the distant charcoal wet hills and painted them to fade perfectly into the silver and black clouds. But mostly he just let his mind fly out across the limitless space over the valley to pace the moving curtain of rain that shivered under clouds like a dark tangle of sin. And even when he reluctantly moved about his camp, he did so with mind untethered, letting his hands work in unsupervised habit at their chores. He was content to freely continue on like this into forever. But, on what might have been the third day, the clouds broke open to brief sun. Without their shadow, the walker's mind began to clear, and he found thoughts of all the things he had climbed up to escape crowding in on him. Even though he knew that soon enough he would move back down into the drowning cares of the shadow lands, he first had one thing left to do. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 08/04/94 AT 18:01:55 Message # 499. Date: 08/04/94. Time: 20:03:24. Read 65 Times. From : BUCKO To : all Subj : AAArrrrg! YeeeOwwww!! I broke my little toe the other day and it still hurts like hell! Samshed it into the side of the couch at about warp 6. All I heard was this snap and then intense, screaming for attention right in your face, PAIN!!!!! You know EVERYBODY has done it at one time or another, sometimes more often than other people. I'll bet your saying, "Well who cares about your stupid toe!" Well the odd thing is I went to work and there's this old dude there who also broke his toe...same one too....on the same day.... Only he did his on a coffee table....Ouch! So I asked this old dude about what time it happened. Wooo...just a few hours later. So we went back to work. No big deal. But later I got to thinking....maybe there's some kind of Toe Stubbing Chain Reaction happening throughout the universe. Happened to him, then it happened to me......who was next? Some unknown force pretty much causes this Toe Stubbing Chain Reaction to hit just about everyone at some time or another. This force may be somewhere in the 3 and 3/4 dimension...you know the place where missing carkeys, socks, buttons disappear to, and Spam comes from. Well since I know the date and roughly the time if I keep track, I can roughly estimate when the next Toe Stubbing Chain Reaction should come. Sometime my theory gets blown away if I have A Toe Stubbing incident sooner than I would have expected. Maybe it doesn't hit one at a time, maybe hits masses all at once. What puzzles me is why my foot would want to make contact with an inanimate object when my brain was telling it to go somewhere else? Just a thought! Oh Yeah, one bit f advice. Tylenol #3 SUCKS! Get something better for the pain. How you ask? Just tell them (If their going to give Tylenol #3) that it makes you feel like you itch all over and have needles in every pore. And your nose tingles. Works every time!!!! And one more piece of advise......WEAR SHOES!!!!!!!! Bucko MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 08/05/94 AT 00:22:35 Comments : OUCH!=1 Message # 500. Date: 08/05/94. Time: 23:12:15. Read 70 Times. From : jackie ho To : Mikester Subj : Size does matter RECEIVED PERMIFIED i was always told that it was not the size of your moniter, but what you view with it jackie ho MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 08/06/94 AT 00:22:04 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 #500. Message # 501. Date: 08/04/94. Time: 20:29:21. Read 93 Times. From : jackie ho To : stranger/all Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED So I sit in the booth against the wall, and the music piped in through panels on the ceiling is a tune I know I remember and know I like with some part of my being, but before I can place it it fades into another of those endless strings of melodies foriegn to me. The small styrofoam cup of 35 cent coffee taunts me with a steamy whisper. It speaks to me with lips I recognize as my own, a light kiss given in hope, but quickly broken as the contents of it's soul scalded my being in a familiar gesture not forgotten...merely dormant. "Why have you come back to me ?" she asks. I watch her mutely from across the table, having no answer, wishing the way she had previously seared my tongue with that first tentative and fiery kiss was the sole reason I am struck mute. She utters a steamy sigh... "No matter...just that I have you back" She disgusts me. I see her lily white exterior slowly turning as soiled as the darkness contained within. Every bit of contact between us, whether i caress her with my fingers or lips some irremoveable trace is left as she slowly becomes as visibly stained as her soul. "Look at me," she demands from across the table. "See me as the drug I really am... You need me. You came to me wanting the identity you'd felt I would give you." I listen on in horror, my disgust growing stronger and stronger with each frighteningly accurate insight uttered from painted lips identical to mine. "You came to me out of desire. Not for me, oh no, but for the picture we made together. I gave you depth. Credibility. Authenticity. I made the reflection in the mirror resemble the person you were so desperately aching to become. Without me you have nothing. Without me you are no one. You are nobody." In one swift move that astounds even me I reach across the table and bring her directly to my trembling lips, embracing her tightly, forbidding any more of her achingly profound utterences to enter my ears. I feel her initial resistance as she tries to sear my insides once more, but I am rather pleased to find her fire has slowly dimmed with each sigh she wasted as I sat and contemplated her. She cannot fight me, and gives in to the mixing of our souls... Her warmth fills my mouth, my body, my soul with a languid familiarity strangely soothing but ultimately regretful, as I know from experience. I continue to consume her essence, gulping her down like a dehydrated man caught outside in the Santa Ana winds during the unforgiving noontime hour, and she doesn't cry out or express any discomfort at all as my fingernails make deep crescent indentations in her alabaster skin from my clinging to her as if my lover's life was dependent on it. Instead, she yeilds enticingly with each bit of pressure I apply. I then reach the final drops of her blackened soul that I had yet to consume... and these are uncharacteristically sweet, like a dissolving sugar-cube tucked into the warm pocket of your cheek. The pity of having to wade through so much bitterness to indulge in a mere few drops of innocent sweetness, artificial as I may have opted for, does not escape me...it rather horrifies me...and i push her away from my being, almost throwing her as far as I could without drawing unwanted attention to myself. She smirks at me from her place across the table, and I take in the darkly painted lips twisted into a smug and mocking leer. It is then that I realize how she has victored once again, and I feel deep in me the merger of our beings beginning to course through my veins, and it is now that the regrets come in waves. I am nauseous, a feeling I suppose I am accustomed to and have rather come to expect after being with her, and she sees this and laughs harder at my pain. I cringe in abdominal agony, and risk a glance in her loathsome direction, and it is then that I realize that she is now empty, devoid of use to me, worthless.... trash I take her soiled body and leave her at her next stop... where the cheaper ones of her type get taken when I have no further need for them. As the door swings shut on her crumpled frame I catch a glimpse of a myriad of others exactly like her, some drained as she is, some still with desperate offerings clinging to their insides, some even half intact, discarded in haste, their full potential never known... And before I can walk away I hear her call out to me, a final malediction, a spiteful oath before I close my mind and lips to her forever. "You'll come back... you always will. You need me." And though it may not always be her, she is still right. I will always need something that she or others like her have to offer me, for she was right when she said without them I am nothing I am no one nobody jackie ho MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 08/07/94 AT 00:03:55 Comments : BRAVO!=102 Message # 502. Date: 08/06/94. Time: 21:32:43. Read 90 Times. From : Mikester To : HACK MAN Subj : I'M BEING TEMPTED BY THE WORLD POG FEDERATION RECEIVED PERMIFIED (gnock gnock) HACK MAN: (opens door) Hello? MIKESTER: Hello! I represent your friendly semi-neighborhood comic book and gaming store, and I would like you to try a sample set of Magic cards. HACK MAN: Uh, no thank you. I'm busy flossing my toes. MIKESTER: Hey, now wait a minute! (jams foot into rapidly closing front door) This is a deal you just can't pass up! These cards come in many exciting and vibrant colors, and are printed on high-quality cardboard, not like, say, Spellfire. Are you sure you wouldn't like to try a sample? HACK MAN: No, really, I'm busy. My dear aunt Hackintosh is visiting.... MIKESTER: All right. You force me to get rough. I graduated first in my class at Pushy Salesman School (sponsored by the L.A. Times) and YOU are going to find out why! (begins waving previoiusly-concealed bat around) Am I going to have to use THIS? HACK MAN: Really...there's no need for such violence.... (reaches carefully into his pocket and withdraws a 1/2" thick brass slammer) MIKESTER: Are you ready to take my sample set of Magic cards? HACK MAN: Are YOU ready for THIS? (hurls slammer at Mikester, hitting him smack dab in the center of his forehead. Mikester's toupee flies off due to the force of the impact, and Mikester collapses on the Retreat porch) MIKESTER: Ugh... (passes out) HACK MAN: (retrieves slammer) It's nice to gnow these pog things are at least good for SOMEthing. MOVED FROM "Jehan's Toy Box" BY HACK MAN ON 08/07/94 AT 23:20:17 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=42 Message # 503. Date: 08/06/94. Time: 22:23:06. Read 92 Times. From : Jehan To : Shay Pas Subj : Um... RECEIVED PERMIFIED Uhm... Shay Pasus...the SATs. Hack Manus...preys...oh, my Gravebusterus...maybe a little overbuilt Strangerus...making too much sense... or viking off in an entirely new direction Ann Otherworldus...Huxley's brave...but Annie O's Wilder Mikesterus...mixing it up again Ghostus...tutu obvious, but the mostus Mynk Lynkus...something's definitely missing here, but since it is my mind, what do I mind? Mojous...a juicy slug au jus, not thick at all Telluraus...a wake up call for us all Psychous...deeply disturbing jackie ohus...and the mockingbird quoth, "Nevermore." Sheaus...a SLO escapee Fink Ploydus...still missing after all these years KEnus...snuke?...Hey, I finally found an anagram! Jehanus...God, I'm roman way out on a limb TO BE CONTINUED AS INSPIRATION STRIKES... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 08/07/94 AT 23:35:02 Comments : HAHAHA=101 DOINK=1 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 504. Date: 02/17/93. Time: 16:37:41. Read 90 Times. From : ZIPPY To : Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED I don't like frank sinatra or his children. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 08/08/94 AT 23:49:14 Message # 505. Date: 06/13/94. Time: 23:14:30. Read 88 Times. From : Stranger To : HACK MAN Subj : BY THE WAY RECEIVED PERMIFIED IT's pretty simple--- social particles (called people) each exert on other social particles a force of social gravity. Groups of people tend to share a common social gravity. A society is one diffuse social gravitational field, with smaller fields revolving around eachother inside it. The Retreat is a social black hole, that draws people in and makes them weirder. It also attracts free floating radicals. Once they pass the event horizon, they become Obfuscates. Stranger At the Singularity of Dillusion MOVED FROM "The Demented Herbarium" BY Gravebuster ON 08/09/94 AT 07:15:24 Comments : BRAVO!=101 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 507. Date: 08/17/94. Time: 10:47:55. Read 73 Times. From : Mikester To : Mojo IV Subj : Hello RECEIVED SQuish! MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 08/18/94 AT 10:12:59 Message # 508. Date: 08/18/94. Time: 20:45:19. Read 62 Times. From : Mikester To : KEn Subj : POGS!!!!!! RECEIVED PERMIFIED WHAT TO DO WITH POGS 1. See how many fit up your nose. 2. Put white creamy stuff on them and make cardboard oreos. 3. Use a small stack of them to even out the crooked leg on your table. 4. Use them as coasters for shot glasses. 5. Punch a hole through them, string them together, and wear it as cheap jewelry. 6. Give them to the children of people you don't like 7. Get a few hundred more, glue them together, and beat people with them. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY HACK MAN ON 08/19/94 AT 01:16:17 Message # 509. Date: 07/03/94. Time: 05:41:30. Read 102 Times. From : Tellura To : all Subj : uh PERMIFIED You gnow, I've never done this before. Typong in the dark, because I'm too damn lazy to turn on the desk lamp... ^see what I mean? I've never pulled an all-nighter before. Here I am, at, as Vampire would say, "Oh-my-God-fucking-early" trying to peck out a non-intelligible post in the early am light Listening to eMpTyV playing in the background... Robert fell asleep a while ago, leaving me to the mercies of the computer and TV I can barely keep my vivion straight, I'm so wired.. a whole pot of coffee in one sitting... Oh jeez... They're playing an ad from the 80's preservation society again... and my hands are shaking, which would attribute to my typing accuracy going down and down and down... Why do we have that, anyway? Oh, looking up, I see I erringly typed "vivion" that is supposed to be vision, really it is. I'm in a bizzare old mood and well, I don't know what I'm doing, beating my frustrations out on a defensless computer to all you BBS people out in computer-monitor-land... ack. At 6, I'm supposed to wake Robert up and we are going to walk to the grocery store and buy donuts and maybe then I'll fall asleep. These are just random musings, I hope you don't mind, you're just an eye to type in Shit, I can't believe what I'm typing here... I need a cigarette, and I just smoked my last one about 2 hours ago, and I'm not about to steal one of Robert's... blech. I get this feeling that this post is gfoing to be BOgged... I know it... but is it BOgworthy? T- 4 minutes and counting before I am gone/... Oh wait... they're playing Nine Inch Nails on eMpTyV... hold on a sec... perhaps its not as empty as I thought... too bad they had to censor it... They use pigs heads and sides of beef in interesting ways in thjis video..., it's very interesting. There is this big grey cat outside in the backyard who seems to want to be let in... but this isn't my house, It's not my prerogative to invite houseguests. Well, I've missed most of the video by now... Oh well. This post will end shortly, by the way... as soon as I come to a good place to end it... here looks nice. Tell... In a rambling mood MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 07/04/94 AT 16:17:57 MOVED FROM "3AM CLUB" BY HACK MAN ON 08/19/94 AT 01:17:32 Comments : HAHAHA=1 RASPBERRYS=1 DOINK=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 510. Date: 08/19/94. Time: 21:56:23. Read 4 Times. From : BUCKO To : hackman Subj : PRIVATE RECEIVED A ..d8b.. ..:::d888b:::.. :::::d88888b::::: :::::d8888888b::::: :::d888888888b:::: ::{8888P"::"V8,:: :D8P":::::::VD: dP ``````` Y Live Long and Prosper! Kirk out. MOVED FROM "EMAIL" BY HACK MAN ON 08/20/94 AT 00:49:11 #510. Message # 511. Date: 08/22/94. Time: 13:26:25. Read 8 Times. From : Stranger To : Jackie Ho Subj : ah ha PRIVATE RECEIVED PERMIFIED Is it wrong to want to live on your own? No, it's not wrong--but I must gnow How can someone so young Sing words so sad? Sheila take a, Sheila take a bow Boot the grime of this world in the crotch, dear And don't go home tonight Come out and find the one that you love and who loves you Is it wrong not to always be glad No, it's not wrong--but I must add How can someone so young Sing words so sad? Sheila take a, Sheila take a bow Boot the grime of this world in the crotch, dear And don't go home tonight Come out and find the one that you love and who loves you Take my hand and off we stride You're a girl and I'm a boy Take my hand and off we stride I'm a girl and you're a boy Sheila take a, Sheila take a bow Throw your homework into the fire Come out and find the one you love Come out and find the one that you love Stranger MOVED FROM "Downloader's Anonymous" BY KEn ON 08/22/94 AT 14:45:30 Message # 512. Date: 08/22/94. Time: 12:49:03. Read 74 Times. From : Tellura To : all Subj : um This post is Satanic. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY The Hanged Man ON 08/22/94 AT 19:42:44 Comments : WAY!=666 NO WAY!=666 HAHAHA=666 RASPBERRYS=666 BLOWS!=666 Message # 513. Date: 08/22/94. Time: 13:32:49. Read 68 Times. From : Stranger To : Tellura Subj : um RECEIVED This post is post-Satanic. Stranger MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY The Hanged Man ON 08/22/94 AT 19:43:26 Comments : WAY!=667 NO WAY!=667 HAHAHA=667 RASPBERRYS=667 BLOWS!=667 Message # 514. Date: 08/22/94. Time: 19:27:11. Read 63 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Tellura Subj : um RECEIVED THIS POST IS GENERIC. C- - - MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY The Hanged Man ON 08/22/94 AT 19:44:00 Comments : WAY!=1 NO WAY!=1 HAHAHA=1 RASPBERRYS=1 BLOWS!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 515. Date: 08/23/94. Time: 23:46:24. Read 83 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Hello. SQuish!! Message # 516. Date: 08/25/94. Time: 07:33:15. Read 64 Times. From : The Lunatic To : The Conspirators Subj : Useful Information PERMIFIED There has been much debate as to the validity of certain mythical claims as they pertain to modern time and space, meteorologically speaking, and the spontaneous collapse of atmospheric integrity as prophesied by a certain gallinaceous figure after preliminary observations of the noted phenomenon, and although this catastrophic warning has not been heeded, but reduced to accounts intended to reinforce a social stigma into the minds of juvenile innocents, thus losing the profound importance and cautionary significance originally intended by the prophet, it is crucial that this issue is confronted and considered in light of modern scientific technology and its ability to clarify the facts, and comprehend the meaning behind the facts. It is not important that the prophet was unaware of the bulk of modern discoveries and the significance logically drawn from such experiences, because quantum physics still worked despite the knowledge of gravity or lack thereof. The prophetic vision still holds valid, and scientifically verifiable if considered objectively from the observers point of view. We must also refrain from allowing the labels imposed by misinformed historians to influence us as to the validity and authority of the prophet, for by labelling a historical figure as "great" we tend to disregard the faults and inferiority present in what would be human nature, and in the same way, giving a title such as "little" to a prophet will only result in the general populous underestimating the profound importance of the visions, and reducing the credibility and awareness of the profound impact implied. A basic knowledge of gravitational phenomenon and atmospheric response will yield the obvious conclusion that there are significant forces acting upon matter, including that which is normally in the gaseous state. It is clear that the body of greatest mass will pull on that with the least, and since atmospheric density is minute compared to that of the earth, one can only conclude the result of a collective relocation of such matter from locations higher up to those closer to the earth, thus falling in infinite grace upon the surface, and proving that which we have failed to understand through the disintegration of fact into myth. It is therefore important for us to accept the significance of the prophets claims, for in the face of all available facts it is quite clear that Chicken Little was very correct, the sky is falling.... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 08/25/94 AT 08:10:59 Message # 517. Date: 08/24/94. Time: 02:22:34. Read 83 Times. From : Stranger To : Hackintosh Subj : Doink! PERMIFIED 2000 calls. I was prepared to gloss over it and move onward with seeming uncaring and cool demeanor, but I have become ensnared in the thought- form that is 2000 calls to Hack's Retreat. I have made the decision to connect with the peoplenet on Hack's Retreat on 2000 separate occasions! 2000 times have I chosen to share myself and eat of everyone else, to teach, to confuse, to irritate, to befriend, to discordiate, to love. The Retreat has become alive with telecommunicate cries - - with yells and yawps, and sighs, and discourses, quotes, essays & obfuscated railings against mankind and simple dillusion, too. I have decided 2000 times to open myself to ridicule, embarrassment, contempt, appreciation, interest, and love. And I can say that I am happy for it... all the love of my life--and much of my hate--is concentrated right here. Is the Retreat important? Of course... is the Retreat on the downward spiral? * What is up & down to a mind/soul--what is direction to infinite speed? The Retreat is the Retreat, the same For Now and Forever; a poem written in space/time instead of ink, an eternity of yes that will always pervade, conquering and growing even as it changes into the distorted reflection of it's future self, only to Become once more--- ----------------------- an artform expressed in personality instead of | | color, more permanent than stone and only forgotten | THIS BOX | by each onrushing vanguard wave; repeated like | | litanies by pious new users; sung like anthems | RESERVED FOR | by gung-ho warriors of Obfuscation. | | * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * | DONATIONS. | +++---+++---+++---+++---+++---+++---+++---+++---+++ ----------------------- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Yes, the Retreat is important, undamaged and ever-renewed--- a gem of human interaction and emotion. Stranger e. X-ile Monsignor Lord Apathy Undulatis El Strango The Librarian BAron BOg Holder of the Seven Holy Figs of Olliramac MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Gravebuster ON 08/27/94 AT 08:13:25 Comments : BRAVO!=3 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 518. Date: 08/30/94. Time: 23:45:55. Read 68 Times. From : Mikester To : HACK MAN Subj : ?? RECEIVED PERMIFIED In the beginning, there was a whole lot of nothing. Then, someone realized that a whole lot of nothing was, in fact, something, and lo and behold, there was a Taco Bell on every street corner. Yea, and it was good. --M. MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT" BY HACK MAN ON 08/31/94 AT 08:08:17 Message # 519. Date: 05/20/94. Time: 18:54:19. Read 72 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Shay Pas Subj : Weird things you see all the time, but were afraid to think about... RECEIVED PERMIFIED water water is weird, too. think of a cross-section picture of the ocean. at some thousands of miles towards Terra's core is where earth meets ocean. but, from there to what we see (the water's surface) is just water. piles and piles of water! water's weird if you can think of it being just a bunch-o piles of stuff. the piles are supporting eachother and they don't fray or bleed where we slice our hands through them! nifty, eh? :) i would go into why wood is weird, but at the moment, i am thirsty. Shay Pas MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 09/01/94 AT 23:39:51 Comments : WOW!=1 Message # 520. Date: 05/22/94. Time: 21:59:50. Read 82 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : all Subj : PERMIFIED After too many instant logoffs on Do something weird, I finally got here. I couldn't leave without posting. post post post post post post post post post post It's post my bedtime. Bye a.o. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 09/01/94 AT 23:42:16 #520. Message # 521. Date: 05/28/94. Time: 12:22:07. Read 75 Times. From : Stranger To : Oxnardus Subj : pas RECEIVED PERMIFIED Nuts and dolts hold the universe together. Stranger MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 09/01/94 AT 23:47:12 Message # 522. Date: 06/10/94. Time: 01:22:48. Read 90 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : resi-dues and loop de looos PERMIFIED how could he gnow how did he see the line that was drawn right next to the fan in the corner the last thing i wanted the last thing i hated was the last thing i ate it left me cold it left me down and up away from atomic enterprise on bad days this hurts but not now when all is clear and even prometheus is smiling. no? okay but when finally yes you come around and then kill the last few drops dont cry to me about the colors of death and the hues of dues or lost little roos in tiny cages golden to touch and death to see, or seed to dye with caustic wry and infinite rhyme everlasting meter til finally poetry is measured in kilometers not ink or electrons sentries of the mystery inside or are they exiles from nirvana, like kurt? st ranger MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 09/01/94 AT 23:54:54 Comments : BRAVO!=3 Message # 523. Date: 06/11/94. Time: Anytime. Read 76 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : Shay Pas Subj : A Shrine, perhaps it is RECEIVED PERMIFIED It entered my head the other day. I tried to hard to get it to come, and nothing worked. well, nothing until I looked away and spent my time counting how many farm animals and balloons, and garden hoes I could find hidden i the trees across the way. I knelt and studied the ground you walked on, looking for signs of divinity, but all I found was a trail of bed-crumbs, and a couple of fun nights that seemed to stretch into long afternoons It was the kinda thing you liked to do, jump insideof me while I was busy doing something else. I was about to the last of balloons when I felt your tickle. Your hands are cold, colder than your heart I was glad to find. Cooled sight is clearer sight MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 09/01/94 AT 23:56:43 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 524. Date: 06/15/94. Time: 21:19:30. Read 75 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Anonymously Yours Subj : A Shrine, perhaps it is PERMIFIED so laid the sight, chilled with very un-French ice cubes. so gnelt the sight, perspiring under the glare of its observers. so stood the sight, tensing as they raised their hands to pass behind it. no question that warmer sight made the sight translucent. steamed sight breaks pencils. so paced the sight, waiting for judgement. "The droplets obscure sight!" "Nay, they magnify it." Shay Pas MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 09/02/94 AT 00:02:34 Message # 525. Date: 08/24/94. Time: 00:10:04. Read 77 Times. From : Stranger To : blau reiders Subj : "swallowed" PERMIFIED "swallowed" (a song by S. ><-ile) seven angels came unto me and they spat fire and tragedy they flew me up to Xanadu on wings of holy intoxication showed me the temple of the eye told me that I too would die then the angels laughed at me and I dropped like a stone into the sea I sank to deep sunken Atlantis and met Leviathan the King he looked and listened and swallowed me he took me to wisdom and gnew me swallowed swallowed swallowed swallowed if only I could wash ashore I might learn to love once more seven devils came unto me and they sang divine comedy they took me home to Olliramac spread bland comfort and ecstacy showed me the temple of the I told me that I too would die Stranger MOVED FROM "The Demented Herbarium" BY IFNI ON 09/04/94 AT 12:24:21 Comments : BLOWS!=1 BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 Message # 526. Date: 09/12/94. Time: 07:54:49. Read 55 Times. From : The Hanged Man To : Mikester Subj : It's a beautiful world we live in.... RECEIVED PERMIFIED Ugh... CREDIT UNION!!! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!! MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 09/12/94 AT 09:16:14 Message # 527. Date: 09/10/94. Time: 20:34:07. Read 80 Times. From : Tellura To : all Subj : ... PERMIFIED The wedding of the future: "Do you promise to love, cherish, honor, and respect your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, for better or worse for as long as you both shall live?" "For yes, press 1...." Tell... MOVED FROM "Love & Hate" BY HACK MAN ON 09/12/94 AT 20:46:50 Comments : HAHAHA=2 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 528. Date: 09/14/94. Time: 13:14:10. Read 82 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Image Comics "Image is not so much the apotheosis of mediocrity as the apotheosis of ineptitude and incompetence in writing, drawing, storytelling, and content. If anything, the founding members have managed to dumb down and vulgarize an idiom not known for its application of intelligence or sensitivity, and have consistently displayed an arrogant contempt for the medium and an unbridled ignorance of its history coupled with a moral obtuseness rivaled only by the corporations to whom they owe their success. Their public posturing and their barely-intelligible pronouncements are invariably an embarrassment to the entire profession and merely serve to reinforce in the public mind the perception that comic books are not only read by air-headed dolts, but produced by them as well." Gary Groth, from Comics Journal #170 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY The Hanged Man ON 09/14/94 AT 23:42:50 Comments : BLAH=1 Message # 529. Date: 12/03/93. Time: 11:56:44. Read 82 Times. From : Mojo IV To : all/stranger/the bell captain/anonymously yours Subj : x-iled RECEIVED Why oh why oh why oh why. Y O Y O Y O Y. Badda bing, Badda boom. To the moon, Alice. To da moon! I've been seeing him again. He peeks around the dresser and watches me while I sleep. I know he's there, but I can't do anything about it. He's watching me, and I don't know why. I flip on the lights, and he's gone. When a caller connects, and light flashes of the computer screen, he ducks back, and I can't see him. But I know he's there. He won't go away! Almond shaped, whiteless eyes, like black pearls -- an inverted teardrop for a head. A slit for a mouth... he peaks around the dresser and watches me. I lay awake for hours, motionless. My blanket will protect me. It's protected me from monsters and vampires and dragons -- the insecure terrors of childhood. Its not the same blanket, but the effects the same. Mommy gave me the blanket to protect me from the monsters. And it keeps him at bay. Why? I don't know. All he does is watch, like he's envious or something. Like he's trying to see something. He's waiting for something. I turn my back on him and try to ignore him, but he doesn't go away. I turn back quickly, hoping to catch him, but the light off the screen and from the moon is dim, and he is very fast. He ducks back behind the dresser. He's not a monster, though. Monsters go away when you tell them to. He just waits there. I tell him to go. I tell him I know he's there, but he doesn't answer. I don't even know if he can talk. Sometimes, I imagine that he's calling to me, but I don't hear the words at all. Not a sound, except the wind whistling through the plants outside my open window. So I toss something at him. It hits nothing but wall. But he's still there. If anything, he's more obvious. The more silent he is, the better he hides, the more I'm convinced he's there. He's watching me, and he's waiting for something. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it. =>Mojo IV<= SQuishy BOgSLug MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mikester ON 09/17/94 AT 00:18:27 Comments : NO WAY!=1 OBFUSCATED=1 BRAVO!=1 OH MY GOD!=1 Message # 530. Date: 09/18/94. Time: 17:09:06. Read 69 Times. From : Mikester To : Carlos the Romantic Shark Killer Subj : Traffic School Film Festival First on the agenda was the animated cinema spectacular "Pro Driving Attitudes." Remember, everyone: Be Alert, Wary, Patient, and Considerate! Next was the driver's ed classic, "Red Asphalt II" -- the less gory sequel to the extremely unpleasant "Red Asphalt." I averted my eyes from the screen and enjoyed the pseudo-70s guitar rock. Lastly was the exceptionally dramatic "If Only..." -- a long lingering look at people who suffered by not wearing a seatbelt and getting into a car wreck. Most notable about this film was the emphasis on how much of a burden handicapped people are on their families, which, I'm sure, most handicapped people REALLY appreciated. (sigh) Oh, BTW, sitting in the same chair for eight hours really leaves you with a sore butt. --M. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY The Hanged Man ON 09/19/94 AT 07:25:54 #530. Message # 531. Date: 09/20/94. Time: 10:57:32. Read 63 Times. From : KEn To : all Subj : True love PERMIFIED I held her in my arms last night, her head resting gently upon my chest. Looking at her, I realized that she was the most beautifull girl I had ever known. Eyes that could melt your heart if you stared into them long enough, skin so soft that just by touching it, you would forget all the other sensations that touch had ever afforded.. I sat with her for the longest time, wondering if she really knew how much I adored her, praying that she stayed my girl forever, until I thought my heart would burst from this love. I picked her up, carried her into the room, laid her down, and gently kissed her face... Hoping the she have sweet dreams, I smiled and said goodnight, to my sweet one, my pride, my daughter... "I love you Kylee", I whispered, hoping that perhaps in some small way, time would slow down, so she wouldn't grow so fast... I love you little girl... Daddy MOVED FROM "Love & Hate" BY HACK MAN ON 09/20/94 AT 12:28:56 Comments : WOW!=1 Message # 532. Date: 09/22/94. Time: 17:30:47. Read 71 Times. From : The Necromancer To : all Subj : The Second Law of Thermodynamics PERMIFIED A Necromancer at rest tends to remain at rest. A Necromancer in motion tends to be looking for a plact to rest. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 09/25/94 AT 16:20:56 Message # 533. Date: 09/25/94. Time: 18:38:51. Read 76 Times. From : Tellura To : all Subj : umm Childhood was for fantasies, for nursery rhymes and toys The world was much to busy to understand small girls and boys As I grew up I came to learn that life is not a game That heroes were just people that we called another name And the old shall dream dreams And the youth shall see visions And our hopes shall rise up to the sky We must live for today We must build for tomorrow Give us time, give us strength Give us life Now I've grown, the years have passed, I've come to understand There are choices to be made, and my life's in my command I cannot have the future till I embrace my past I promise to persue the challenge-time is going fast And the old shall dream dreams And the youth shall see visions And our hopes shall rise up to the sky We must live for today We must build for tomorrow Give us time, give us strength Give us life Today's the day I take my stand, the future's mine to hold Commitments that I make today are dreams from days of old I have to make the way for generations come and go I have to teach them what I've learned so they will come to know That the old shall dream dreams And the youth shall see visions And our hopes shall rise up to the sky We must live for today We must build for tomorrow Give us time, give us strength Give us life Give us time, give us strength Give us life Give us life -1985, Debora Lynn Friedman MOVED FROM "The Asylum" BY The Lunatic ON 09/26/94 AT 02:37:28 Comments : WAY!=1 BRAVO!=26 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 534. Date: 09/17/94. Time: Anytime. Read 77 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : all Subj : umm PERMIFIED Love had never been a very important part of my life. I had seen it in movies, and Crystal Smith and Jake Paulson, the 1994 nominees for Senior Sweethearts at Ocean Crest High School smooching between classes was enough to turn anyone's stomach. So love was never really close to me. Sure, I had my guy friends. But going out with one of them was not memorable enough to be called a "date" for me. A date is when a guy brings a dozen roses, takes you out to a ritzy French restaurant and pays for it all, even the frills, and that's followed by the symphony or an old 1940's romantic movie. What I get is a pounding on my door at 7:00 pm. One of my "buddies", as I personally term them, comes in, muttering "C'mon, we're late; we'll miss the previews" even tho it's his fault: he was supposed to pick me up at 6:30. Then it's usually some grade B drive-in movie reject horror flick and greasy fries at McDonalds afterwards... going dutch, of course. There always was a bit of hope that one of my "buddies" would begin to see me as more than a friend. But no dice. Finally, I figured thta if I had my friends, I would be ok. But recently, when I came across Jake and Crystal playing tonsil hockey before 5th period, I no longer felt like puking... I had felt nothing like it before... could it be... JEALOUSY? Nah. Couldn't be. Love is stupid. Why would I be jealous? But I was. Not of Crystal, because Jake was a dip. Not of Jake (I'm no lesbian!) Maybe I was jealous because they had found someone, And I hadn't. Ahem, no. I wasn't jealous. Love bites. So finally I just walked up to Crystal in Algebra class and asked her what love was like. I never really liked Crystal. She always seemed like the perfect example of a blonde. She has black hair. She was as flaky as my grandmother's pie crust. This is what she said: "Well, like, your whole life just like, fall into place and everything just is like, clear and like, sharp, and like, cool!" Hmm... that didn't like, (ahem) didn't sound too bad. Maybe I was like, (excuse me.) just not looking in the right like, (pardon me) places. Anon... MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 09/27/94 AT 03:44:18 Comments : BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 Message # 535. Date: 09/30/94. Time: 09:11:18. Read 76 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : ?.! PERMIFIED This is not the post you're looking for. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 10/03/94 AT 14:55:09 Message # 536. Date: 10/13/94. Time: 18:13:47. Read 76 Times. From : The Hanged Man To : All Subj : The Future Through the miracle of the Nexus Distortion Wave, I was able to logon to the Cracking Corner II, circa 2742, and download a copy of the Encyclopedia Britanica. The following are some excepts from that most wonderful tome: BOg: A great, bottomless mass where bad things sink and good things ride. Revered by both the SQuishanists and the SQuiskanists as the source of all, and accepted by the New Mormon Church of Obfuscation as the last resting plce of the "Big Toe" pictured in their philosphies. Modern Scholars reject the existence of the BOg due to archeological evidence which suggests that the BOg was in fact a Mire. Hack Man: In Obfuscanity, the wearer of the Big Toe and great prophet of Obfuscation. Mentioned in both SQuishy, SQuisky, Obfuscatory, and Muslim texts, he is said to have sprung fully grown from a Z-80 processor in the year 1964(Year 1 by the Newly Obfuscated Callender). Modern Dillusionists consider this figure to be a sham: a minor apostle to the Great Lunatic of the Spilled Bong water, whom they hold to be their true prophet. Modern archeologists have rejected the existence of this figure, believing him in fact to be David Koresh, founder of the Modern Brach Davidian and Grill movement. Mojo IV: In SQuishy mythology, a BOgSLug who ruled a world called Neck'Sus, which had its own BOg. The Highly Flatulent Monks of Reseda hold him to be the discoverer of SQuish, although SQuishanist generally hold the great Baronet Mike "Mikey" Stier-Liiing as such, and Mojo as his first convert to the new religion(see Baronet Mikester). Legends state the Mojo ruled Neck'Sus until the rise of an upstart, called Derr Hung Mensh, who was a former student of the Baronet. He betrayed and murdered Mojo, and took his throne for his own. SQuiskanists, however, hold the Mojo and Derr Hung Mensh were, in fact, the same person. There is very little evidence to support the theory of the SQuishy Discordians, that Mojo IV and the discordian apostle, Dr Van Van Mojo were the same person. MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY The Hanged Man ON 10/16/94 AT 08:43:49 Comments : PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 537. Date: 10/16/94. Time: 00:58:09. Read 58 Times. From : Stranger To : Psycho Subj : medfly spraying RECEIVED PERMIFIED We all have our Supra-ObfuscatronDoinkFields(tmm) activated, so that pesky malathion won't hurt anyone from the Retreat, unless they get near yellow kryptonite. Stranger MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX" BY HACK MAN ON 10/16/94 AT 11:09:23 Message # 538. Date: 10/04/94. Time: 17:54:22. Read 77 Times. From : Grazz't To : all Subj : Another One Only Rain Days and years, melt into one. At once you're here, as fast your gone. Soul in the gutter, lost in the deep. The waters of despair, beginning to seep. Caressing your mind, velvety touch. Sinking down deeper, the pressure's too much. Chilled to the core, icy collapse. Insanities near, consciousness lapse. Bent from the pressure, broken in pain. Suddenly it stops! ONLY RAIN. Grazz'itude MOVED FROM "Love & Hate" BY Tellura ON 10/29/94 AT 14:00:25 Comments : WAY!=1 Message # 539. Date: 11/01/94. Time: 07:08:00. Read 54 Times. From : Tellura To : all literate people Subj : unfortunately, even more poetry by yours truly. PERMIFIED (I am apologizing in advance) We travel down and empty, uncharted yet often used path saying nothing and the music speaks for us a dove sails overhead as a feeling of peace settles over my heart as though touched and blessed by the soft ivory wingtips of the dove as we move farther down our road and a hawk soars over our heads persuing the dove caught in a corner of clouds knows there's no way out peacefully calmly penetratingly gazes at her hunter light of compsssion flickers in hawks' eyes battling with doubt Peace touches warrior instinct and calm and the hawk flies away with the dove. --Tellura '94 MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 11/01/94 AT 08:13:06 Comments : WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 540. Date: 10/31/94. Time: 08:41:14. Read 76 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Psycho Subj : ELECTIONS RECEIVED PERMIFIED I DON'T THINK THE PROBLEM HAS A SOLUTION THAT ISN'T CRUEL. THAT'S THE PROBLEM. IN ORDER TO FIX THINGS YOU HAVE TO BE CRUEL TO SOMEBODY. SO, WE WILL JUST HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT. PROBABLY THE ONLY PEACEFUL WAY TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM WOULD BE IF THE POPE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT BIRTH CONTROL WAS A REALLY GOOD IDEA. C- - - MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 11/01/94 AT 15:33:49 Comments : BRAVO!=1 #540. Message # 541. Date: 11/01/94. Time: 21:08:47. Read 81 Times. From : Ashiqui To : all Subj : i hate this i hate this i hate this not being able to remember what i type the second the letters drip from my fingers. drip drip dripdrip drip but it isn't ten fifteen...hell, it isn't even saturday and my feet are no longer hungry because they are pink secret weapon control a la femme jedi masters who are reeling from this newly discovered seperation. a trio a trio a trio rocking and rolling and reeling and rocking just split into a duo and the duo the duo is...is...not the duo i'm missing. duo duo duo it sounds so italian or rather so Milton Bradley. you know i miss rice pudding and pumpkins that people remember to... remember to...remember...to...rememb---Oh GOD! here i had been so selfish thinking about my own prophecy decreed halloween, and i completely forgot about forgotten pumpkins pumpkins no one carved or lit or even displayed. and this house seems so dirty so wrong so foul like it makes you feel immoral like this song is so dirty but not dirty like mtv jams but dirty like just...just...wrong. just dusty, really, i suppose. god, i've been on an awful long time...why hasn't anyone called us ? oops, i reckon i probably jinxed it now. line noise? line noise? no? whew...i feel like the virgin mary with the kitten messiah in her arms and fantasy feet. a little steamboat is pressed against my tummy and the muppet show band is playing behind me, i'm convinced of it. childhood nightmares stare at me from the kitchen floor and this music is eerily chuck.e.cheese behind me. i've decided that guns are icky bad harbingers of something worse than death, and that is pain and fear. Quentin Tarantino told me this as we Halloween Day-d it over pink lemonade and crushed ice. he has the name you can spot over a shoulder. my baby grows heavier nd heavier and heavier as i realize just how much he is but yet isn't from me. of me. mine. with another e that could be ene . who...this is much too long....i'm going to fuck up my "average message length" thingie... Princess Akasha MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY The Hanged Man ON 11/02/94 AT 06:50:05 Comments : HAHAHA=1 RASPBERRYS=1 OBFUSCATED=1 OH MY GOD!=1 Message # 542. Date: 11/10/94. Time: 10:22:29. Read 74 Times. From : Ghost To : Unasked Questions Subj : PERMIFIED fade to light the essential sadness of the single heart alone in the waiting hours of dark finds conversations in browngreen enough when unheard words dream whisper light 11/10/94 MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY HACK MAN ON 11/11/94 AT 17:43:22 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 543. Date: 11/13/94. Time: 10:00:37. Read 62 Times. From : Shay Pas To : all Subj : spindonkeygreenday PERMIFIED what another louverly day...i woke up earlier than i had to and stayed awake. i remember waking up sloowwwlly from a pizza dream. heehee i had a dream about a funky pizza place near the beach. a friend recommended visiting the place and getting a free bite-sample. i concur with m'other friends (hereby to be referred to as the trinity) and we (the trinity) leave him to sit on the curb of an on-ramp. so, we go into the pizza place, which looks unnervingly like a McDonald's-Wendy's joint, and walk up to the head guy. he's standing at the center of the place with a popcorn-cart-like thingie, giving out pizzas. the whole thing about this dream is the pizzas. the pizzas are weird-sauced, microwave-pizza cheesed units on a waffle! yick. well, it was funky and i woke up with a weird taste in my mouth and my imaginary Eggos are soggy... ok, so here i am posting 'cause i feel like posting (duh). i woke up and mentally "D'oh!"d 'cause the pooter was still on from last night. yes'erday i had a tea party. it was pretty nifty. just the trinity and the immortal 'cause other people couldn't come. so, we grabbed the dining chairs and took 'em out back to the picnic table and tea'd. the immortal told a Ghost story that he admitted had a bit of bulldoody in it fer spice while footsie played with the candle wax. immy also told us of a recent dreamwalking experience in which he had forewarned the dreamer not to "open all his doors" (doors go to sectors like doors to the past, the subconscious, one's fears, sections of one's life, etc), but the dreamer did, so immy says very calmly that he now gnows what makes the dreamer tick, what the dreamer's scared of and stuff like that. i think he'd exaggerated a tad, but it's an intruiging idea nonetheless. well, i've strayed from original intention of informing y'all of how nifty a day it really is and stuff, but oh well i feel weird. it's a nifty weird though. it's an exceptionally fresh sort of weird. i listened to green day and the lemonheads and they sound/ed really nice, crisp, i'm-gonna-do- somehting-today kind of fresh. zowie. now i stop gurgling and go do something. like save this msg MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 11/14/94 AT 07:15:59 Message # 544. Date: 11/13/94. Time: 10:33:29. Read 75 Times. From : Mikester To : HACK MAN Subj : All Hallow's Eve RECEIVED PERMIFIED A group of people went to my friend Rob's Halloween party, and they were all dressed normally. Rob wasn't going to let them in (no costume, no entry) but they claimed to be dressed as movie extras. Rob let them in. --M. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 11/14/94 AT 07:16:39 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 545. Date: 11/14/94. Time: 09:23:55. Read 69 Times. From : Mikester To : The Necromancer Subj : Crossovers! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Okay, I won't let you hang. I shall now prove to you the extent of my nerdiness: here is how the Flaming Carrot can meet the Aliens. 1. The Flaming Carrot once met Cerebus. 2. Cerebus met the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 3. The Turtles once met Archie Andrews (of "Arche, Betty and Veronica" fame). 4. Archie met the Punisher. 5. Punisher fought Batman. 6. Batman fought the Predator. 7. And Predators, of course, fought Aliens. See how easy that was? :) --M. MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY HACK MAN ON 11/15/94 AT 08:32:48 Message # 546. Date: 11/12/94. Time: 23:01:16. Read 103 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : All Subj : So it goes... PERMIFIED "One Day" I was told early on in my life that I had extreme potential. They said that I had the power to accomplish in anything I'd ever attempt. I told them "Bullshit." I was sick and tired of the constant praise. Potential is a negative number. An ethereal potion which has no substance until one creates it. I told them that I refused to make that negative a positive, a reality for them to admire. "Fuck you all," I muttered in rebellious ineptitude. "I'm sick of all your crap. I'll be a genius if I damned well feel like being one. Go away." I was inflicted with a curse, a disease that others sought. I have been treated as a social leper my whole life, and those around me wanted the bacteria of thought nonetheless. I was a plague, whose symptoms were apathy, silence, solitude, and depression. Still the praise washed over me as a flood will rise to drown a smiling child. Even from those close to me, I wasn't to be understood. My mother, bearer of my ancestry and origin of my pain, bragged to the others inside that her baby was a brain, an Einstein, and smartest in his class. I smiled, pausing only to insert the sewing needles into their eyes. They screamed as I did so, for logical reasons. Well sure. After all, they did have eight-inch metal spikes in a place where there would usually be a glint of color and more than a splash of white... Their corneas gleamed red, as they extended their hand in congratulations. Fortunately, for my academic and criminal records, my powerful imagination could not affect those around me, in physical manifestations. Not yet, anyway. The joke was on them, of course... They said I was to succeed at any endeavour I should attempt... And they were right. úfPú MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Stranger ON 11/18/94 AT 12:21:39 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=2 OH MY GOD!=1 Message # 547. Date: 11/19/94. Time: 02:49:07. Read 78 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Mikester Subj : Crossovers! RECEIVED PERMIFIED So what?! I can prove that Gilligan can fight Beavis and Butthead. 1. Gilligan's Island met the Harlem Globetrotters 2. The Harlem Globetrotters met Scooby Doo. 3. Scooby Doo met Batman. 4. Batman fought the Predator. 5. The Predator fought Aliens. 6. Aliens fought Sigourney Weaver. 7. Sigourney Weaver fought Melanie Griffith. (In 'Working Girl') 8. Melanie Griffith fought Don Johnson. (They're married.) 9. Don Johnson fought Penn Jillete. (On a Miami Vice episode.) 10. Penn & Teller went on David Letterman, many times. 11. Letterman met Beavis & Butthead at the MTV Video Music Awards. See? Simple, eh? úfPú MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 11/19/94 AT 18:50:58 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 548. Date: 11/22/94. Time: 00:12:04. Read 87 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : All Subj : Ho-hum. PERMIFIED I...Electroencephalogram...I...Electroencephalogram...I...Electroencephalogram. He...Interdenominational...He...Interdenominational...He...Interdenominational. God...Quantificationally...God...Quantificationally...God...Quantificationally. Caps...Fritlditlbotlbing...Caps...Fritlditlbotlbing...Caps...Fritlditlbotlbing. Disks...Tintinnabulation...Disks...Tintinnabulation...Disks...Tintinnabulation. Uncola...Phenylketonuric...Uncola...Phenylketonuric...Uncola...Phenylketonuric. Seventy...Defenestration...Seventy...Defenestration...Seventy...Defenestration. Tropical...Nymphomaniacs... iacs...Tropical...Nymphomaniacs. Instantly...Protoplasmic... úEver been bored?ú smic...Instantly...Protoplasmic. Remittance...Information... tion...Remittance...Information. Information...Remittance...Information...Remittance...Information...Remittance. Protoplasmic...Instantly...Protoplasmic...Instantly...Protoplasmic...Instantly. Nymphomaniacs...Tropical...Nymphomaniacs...Tropical...Nymphomaniacs...Tropical. Defenestration...Seventy...Defenestration...Seventy...Defenestration...Seventy. Phenylketonuric...Uncola...Phenylketonuric...Uncola...Phenylketonuric...Uncola. Tintinnabulation...Disks...Tintinnabulation...Disks...Tintinnabulation...Disks. Fritlditlbotlbing...Caps...Fritlditlbotlbing...Caps...Fritlditlbotlbing...Caps. Quantificationally...God...Quantificationally...God...Quantificationally...God. Interdenominational...He...Interdenominational...He...Interdenominational...He. Electroencephalogram...I...Electroencephalogram...I...Electroencephalogram...I. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Shay Pas ON 11/23/94 AT 16:54:11 Comments : ARGH!=1 WOW!=1 Message # 549. Date: 11/26/94. Time: 22:15:03. Read 84 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : all Subj : belladonna backwash PERMIFIED I feel I must warn you of the strange effects of Belladonna Backwash. I was stressing and decided to try to unwind in the Tavern. It was hard as Falco was in a funk of sorts. He argued with me over my selection and kept pushing the Three Mile long island tee. I finally got him to give me a double BB with a seltzer water chaser. I didn't get the results I was seeking, so I ordered a triple. Tipple tipple after the triple. I staggered over to a booth and slid into slouch position and watched primordial forms undulate around the room. I watched my life play out in 5 different versions, and none of them made sense. Something's missing. I ordered two triples and slurpped them down in record time. Everything was blurred and bluetiful. I spun my circuits until they were a perfect whirr of purr. I was humming a few bars of Route 66 when this trucker type walked in and started humming with me. He kept calling me his BellaDonna and wanted to impress me with his large linguini. Seen one you've seen em all, I told him. That got him started about his unsually long salami. I told him that I may be a little sedated, but that I know come-on talk when I hear it and that his was the Worst. That got him started about the size of his liverwerst. I burst his bubble when I pulled down his pants and discovered his vienna sausage. Glad to be alone again, I switched to a gin conncotion and watched an auction on the Home Shopping Channel. Just when I was dialing in to purchase The Art of Self massage, some cool dandy approached me and asked if he could rub me the right way. That was the wrong thing to say. I had to practically kick Falco's ass to get him to throw Jim Dandy out. Falco and I fumed at each other for awhile and then I ordered an other triple BB. Wheee, it was fun this time. I remember leaping up onto the bar and pirouetting around, then running to the stage and announcing over the microphone that I had just won the Dialated Puplil Award and that I was the Bella Donna of the Ball. I started wailing, Some day my prince will come and just then Falco walked up and he had this mad twinkle in his eye and looked at me in that way. I surpressed the laughter bubbling up and held my features in calm composure. I told him that I just been impregnated during an abduction and I was about to give birth to an illegal alien and that I'm scared to death due to the passage of 187. Falco actually offered to marry me and said he'd be a good father to the little half alien child I was carrying. I was so shocked I fainted and I just came to. The tavern is empty and I am too. Time to go home. Just watch that BB. a.o. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 11/29/94 AT 00:45:13 Comments : HAHAHA=2 BRAVO!=1 OUCH!=2 WOW!=1 OH MY GOD!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 550. Date: 11/27/94. Time: 18:27:25. Read 82 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Fink Ployd Subj : Beware! Trek Nerd! RECEIVED PERMIFIED The Necromancer. Trekkie (not Trekker). Former Marine. Obfuscate. High priest of the Emerald Banana (Retired). Ex-Bodyguard. Republican (usually) MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 11/30/94 AT 22:28:15 #550. Message # 551. Date: 11/27/94. Time: 21:50:04. Read 70 Times. From : Mojo IV To : The Necromancer Subj : Beware! Trek Nerd! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Mojo IV SQuishy BOgSLug BOg PRophet 53rd among Equals Lover of BLonde RAzors Former Dark Lord of the SQuisk MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 11/30/94 AT 22:28:39 Message # 552. Date: 11/27/94. Time: 22:24:33. Read 71 Times. From : Ghost To : Mojo IV Subj : Beware! Trek Nerd! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Ghost An insubstantial entity Master of Nuun Jacked of All Traits Part of the Woods AND the Trees MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 11/30/94 AT 22:28:58 Message # 553. Date: 11/28/94. Time: 00:44:43. Read 70 Times. From : Stranger To : Ghost Subj : Beware! Trek Nerd! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Monsignor Lord Apathy Undulatis El Strango BAron BOg The Librarian Obfuscate Dillusionist in charge of needless diversions Chosen Profit of Eelnce Stranger X St. Lyserge MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 11/30/94 AT 22:29:20 Message # 554. Date: 11/28/94. Time: 01:10:55. Read 71 Times. From : Mikester To : Ghost Subj : Beware! Trek Nerd! RECEIVED PERMIFIED the Mikester BAronet BOg Patron Saint of Comic Books BObber upon The BOg FOunder of SQuishiness He of The Not Quite Fully Realized Beard Bane of The People Who Don't Gnow The Difference Between "It's" and "Its," "Who's" and "Whose," and "They're," "Their," and "There" MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 11/30/94 AT 22:29:37 Message # 555. Date: 11/28/94. Time: 11:20:41. Read 66 Times. From : you To : Stranger Subj : Beware! Trek Nerd! RECEIVED PERMIFIED you ]]]john D. died for YOU[[[ )the sleepless ONE founder of the john D. died for YOU society former High priest of the temple of DICA i don't hate jim kirk BUT i'm glad he is DEAD BOgist from the BOg and student of BOb ]]]the BOg lives in YOU[[[ ]]]the BOg EATS of YOOU[[[ ]]]the BOb loves YOOOOU[[[ ]]]john D. died for YOU[[[ ]]]john D. lives on in YOU[[[ MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 11/30/94 AT 22:30:03 Message # 556. Date: 11/29/94. Time: 21:27:45. Read 61 Times. From : Number Two To : Ghost Subj : Beware! Trek Nerd! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Oh I guess I'll strut too Number Two King of the BOg BOg Rider ><-traordinaire Evil Beard Lord Final Prophet of Mukor BBS Superhero Pope War I War 2 MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 11/30/94 AT 22:30:31 Message # 557. Date: 12/01/94. Time: 13:17:46. Read 63 Times. From : Mojo IV To : All Subj : BOg SOngs? PERMIFIED Date: 7:39 pm Wed Nov 30, 1994 Number : 3553 of 3557 From: The Hanged Man Base : The SQuishy BOg To : All Refer #: None Subj: The BOg SOng! Replies: 1 Stat: Normal Origin : Local IN THE BOg by SQuisher ----- My name is Mojo IV I've had sex with Helen Keller I've got Kitty Pryde Locked up in the Cellar In the BOg, We will ride It will make you feel SQuish-ee In the BOg, We've got pride Cuz of all the dead fishies And that is Stranger X-ile He's not a bird or reptile He's got... blood-stained feet And a killer smile In the BOg, We will ride It will make you feel SQuish-ee In the BOg MUshrooms thrive Hallucinations of Pan-ties And over there is Number Two He's just a guy like me and you He turned Winnie the Pooh Into Pooh-bear stew. In the BOg, We will ride It wll make you feel SQuish-ee In the BOg Penguins Fly Cooking fe-tu-ci-ni-ni And finally there's Mike-ster He wears green pants and silver spurs He's got... matted fur Growing on his tongue. In the BOg We will ride, It will make you feel SQuish-ee In the BOg There's rip-tide Paying Young-blood roy-al-ties MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Number Two ON 12/01/94 AT 18:41:48 Message # 558. Date: 12/02/94. Time: 03:55:45. Read 67 Times. From : Stranger To : All Subj : Mal A-theo n Malathion is just a carrier for killer DNA that The Man devised. This DNA, when it comes into contact with skin, burrows down deep and begins the process of replacing old DNA instructions. Soon, we'll all be very obedient but slight squat anteater-like creatures. Go ahead and scoff, but we'll see who eats the last ant. Stranger MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 12/02/94 AT 06:21:30 Message # 559. Date: 12/02/94. Time: 23:33:35. Read 75 Times. From : Mojo IV To : KEN Subj : A RECEIVED can i tell you why i am can you stay out this late maybe i;m in a bad foog i don't think i;m awake but i'm seein pretty colors and the man in brown and red he says that i have just crossed over and I just might as well be dead But I ain't givin it up to you Kant take what I got Kant have what I don't really care for dont sleep when I'm awake Trippy little toon is it not I can't here the lights for the sirens, my boy, I can't see the stars for the sky... I don't see my life... my death no more, honey I've gone out and slipped the key under the map. Athena is weeping for Michael Stipe And I just missed the last bus to the Blonde Razors Anonymous Camp. Tell me if I'm not who is then, chum Its more than I'm willing to give I don't give anymore never get anything back don't you hear it, then? Morrigan is coming? Morrigan... the furies come to claim the Dream Lord and we're all kinda wondering what the Angela series is going to be like? Why... Sandman was good... is the charactor Good, or the Writer the cause of the game. Clause. Bond. James Bond. -=Mojo IV=- -==OBFUSCATE==- -=SQuishy BOgSLug=- MOVED FROM "Downloader's Anonymous" BY KEN ON 12/07/94 AT 13:34:23 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 560. Date: 12/08/94. Time: 20:11:41. Read 90 Times. From : The Necromancer To : all Subj : fate PERMIFIED The other night, some friends and I were playing poker using Tarot cards. I drew a full house, and everyone at the table suddenly levitated for the duration of the hand. Then the guy to my left drew to a inside straight, and an owl strode through the middle of the table and sang a chorus of "Riggoletto". To top it all off, I filled four Trumps, and began glowing brightly while the illustarted Kama Sutra flashed holographically above the bets, which transformed to semi-precious gemstones spelling out the mystic phrase "Muh- Muh-Muh-My Sharona". We finally gave it up. The game's no fun when you gnow when someone's got a great hand. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 12/15/94 AT 08:45:14 Comments : WAY!=1 DOINK=1 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 #560. Message # 561. Date: 11/22/89. Time: 16:06:56. Read 106 Times. From : Gizmo To : HACK MAN Subj : Doink RECEIVED another case of the hit and disapear DOINK! MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/16/94 AT 17:15:01 Message # 562. Date: 07/13/90. Time: 02:00:14. Read 107 Times. From : TYPAN To : funny peoples Subj : joke There is a boy scout, a priest, Jessy Jackson and President Bush on an airplane. It is about to crash. There are only three parachutes. Bush says "I am the president of a nation. I need a parachute." So he takes one and jumps out on the plane. Next Jessy says "I am the smartest black man alive" and he takes a chute and jumps. The priest turns to the scout,"You have a hole life infront of you. Take the parachute." "That's ok Sir. We can both take one. The smartest black man alive just took my back pack." *TYPAN* MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/16/94 AT 17:16:38 Message # 563. Date: 10/16/90. Time: 22:52:46. Read 107 Times. From : HERZOG To : HACK MAN Subj : JOKE BY STEPHEN WRIGHT RECEIVED Ha!!!...Ha!!!...Ha!!!...I get it... <<<(*)>>> -HERZOG MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 12/16/94 AT 17:17:08 Message # 564. Date: 12/08/94. Time: 17:33:16. Read 72 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Gravebuster Subj : Beneath The Top Ten RECEIVED PERMIFIED I wonder what that song means. ------------------------------------------------------ Wimoweh /Weem-oh-way/ adj. Nonsensical, or ridiculous. Oooo-EEEEE! /Oo-eee/ v. (Slang, usually considered obscene.) An exclamation emitted when one has little or nothing important to say. Umbumbuhway /um-bum-ba-way/ n. Any repetitive phrase, usually paired with highly catchy, but nonetheless grating, musical accompaniment. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh. Well, now we jnow. úfPú MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY HACK MAN ON 12/21/94 AT 08:29:02 Message # 565. Date: 12/22/94. Time: 04:20:10. Read 73 Times. From : Unka Buck To : Fink Ployd Subj : Doink! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Yes, free Will. He was unfairly imprisoned, and should be liberated immediately. --==UNKA BUCK==-- --==OBFUSCATE==-- MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 12/26/94 AT 01:29:53 Message # 566. Date: 12/22/94. Time: 17:18:02. Read 72 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Fink Ployd Subj : Dammit all to Akron. RECEIVED I used to be really concieted, but now you couldn't meet a nicer guy than me anywhere. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 12/26/94 AT 01:33:23 Message # 567. Date: 12/21/94. Time: 16:30:55. Read 71 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Lady K Subj : Love & Hate RECEIVED PERMIFIED Only Calvin Klein could make nudity boring. úfPú MOVED FROM "Love & Hate" BY HACK MAN ON 12/28/94 AT 08:42:40 Message # 568. Date: 12/30/94. Time: 23:25:26. Read 74 Times. From : The Evil Anti-Mikester To : All Subj : Hello! PERMIFIED I'm using an IBM computer! I hate comic books (except X-Men)! I can't get enough MTV! Boy oh boy do I like Green Day! I always misuse apostrophe's! Euuuuugh...who'd eat cold pizza? Yuk! Or drink Diet Coke? Ugh. I think Sinbad and Jim Carrey are really funny. Oh, yeah, don't forget the Dice Man. You know what I like best about television sitcoms? The way everything always turns out okay at the end, and there's a big group hug, or a clearly presented moral, or, if I'm really lucky, both. I also like watching America's Funniest Home Videos. I fall out of the Laz-E-Boy laughing so hard, everytime someone's pants fall down or someone gets hit in the crotch with a baseball! Oh, boy, those videos are funny, and 100% spontaneous, too! Newspapers are really boring, except for the sports pages, of course. Oh, and the funny pages too, but usually only "Ziggy," "Funky Winkerbean," and "Berry's World" are any good. Movies movies movies -- I really like those action films. Man o man, that Arnold Schwarteneggar (or however you spell his last name) -- he's such a great actor. He has such a way with a clever one-liner right after he kills a few dozen people...my extra large $4 Coke almost slips through my popcorn- butter-laden fingers I'm enjoying the movie so much. You know how best to deal with people driving too slow in the fast lane? Just get right up there on their tail, flash your brights on and off, and honk the horn. They usually move then. Course, if they don't, you should pass them and get right in front of them and hit your brakes. That'll teach them! I don't get these role playing games. But, man, I sure do love Mortal Kombat II! I don't like calling bulletin boards either. Too many weirdos hang out there. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 12/31/94 AT 17:54:03 Comments : HAHAHA=2 WOW!=1 Message # 569. Date: 12/12/94. Time: Anytime. Read 75 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : Shay Pas Subj : drunk with it all RECEIVED PERMIFIED Sitting I told her that you knew everything about love, and smiles. She laughed and laughed at me saying that you were just a falsehood and that I should grow an inch or two and look to the skies above you if I wanted real answers. crying it was funny the cables wrapeed about me and coiling taut with my own energies. I laughed at the barbed wire that slowly but surely took it's time spinning 'bout my head punturing everything they touched, but mostly me ugly fanny to the wind strewn day time nap, and feeling more pleasantly all the day....what does an alibi or 2 matter to the ugly duckling. No excuses are needed for the one with everything wrong happy of course, my brain sits, and my lips laugh, and my eyes weep, and the ugliest is the way the self is treated. Butter it up and slip it under the door. (wages of life are death) (but the vacations are worthit all) MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 01/02/95 AT 22:34:11 Comments : BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 570. Date: 12/14/94. Time: 22:35:56. Read 71 Times. From : Shay Pas To : Anonymously Yours Subj : drunk with it all PERMIFIED you felt like dancing. anastasia(anasthesia?) does this to you. ya wanna say "no" sometime just to see what'll happen but can't. so ya practice with myra but to no end. ya try to present her to yer friends but keep feeling this need to add conjunctions and spin dizzy the green day. the conjunctions get tired and sit out the dance and anastasia doesn't urge them back. she leaves them on the bleachers and wishes away the peebles while she dances with you. and the gym floor melts and anasthesia draws you to meet her father Somnus, the brother of Death. ya hafata have taffeta and she does. you're very aware very aware that she does for the slink-swish reaches up and tickles yer ears. and the slink-swish is all you hear the sweet slink in contrast to the harsh grating of nylon-nylon in the dances past. father sleep is not home but she grants passage to their home anyways. the servants kept their eyes low as she drew you to the chambre of dining. and you dined with miss anatheme, as she was called by the ladies. and you sliced the found the axiom to be true: in vino veritas...in wine, [there is] truth. you sliced the head USER LOGGED OFF MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 01/02/95 AT 22:34:50 Comments : WOW!=1 #570. Message # 571. Date: 12/23/94. Time: Anytime. Read 71 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : Shay Pas Subj : drunk with it all RECEIVED PERMIFIED She slept round about the clock as if it were the womb of heaven, and spilled her insides to the dream which she intended to marry. All fluff and white clouds, he intended to make her happy and float about all the day, spending each moment joyous and reveling in the incline of his cottony thoughts. She was drunk with sleep and delirious with her dream. He spun trampled her about the waist coat of his time lined trech coat. One eye opened lazily for but a second and caught a glimpse of me alone, and with a tear in my eye. It wsn't enough to steal you away from your dream though, and you whisked about more furiously than ever, spinning through your spins doing cartwheels over others dreams, and laughing up a storm of smiles that lasted all the way through your next dream, eventhough you hadn't ralized that you've had it already. She had spent it all to be here, and she wasn't about to get short changed. Nothing could be too frivolous or frolicky. She danced with moon beams as well as badgers. There was no discrimination or malice in her whim, and her folly was the most majestic thing one could ever see. It streched for miles beyond the sight of the eye, and nailed shut dirty old bar thoughts that raised the eye and quickened the pulse to the point of wakefulness. It was a great game she played to be so active yet remain just restive enough to stay in the lands. I haven't even seen a twitch from you in days. I can sometimes hear parts of your dream when I put my ear close to your smile, but it's fleting and I fear that you will never return to me. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 01/02/95 AT 22:36:05 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 572. Date: 01/01/95. Time: 12:01:23. Read 86 Times. From : The Necromancer To : All Subj : Resolutions PERMIFIED A few of my New Year's Resolutions: I resolve to quit doing my dishes and laundry in the same load. I resolve to quit straddling the fence between fantasy and other fantasies. I resolve to rotate my underwear (which involves cutting out the part between the leg holes. I resolve to eat far too much Toll House Cookie Dough. (Gotta have ONE I gnow I'll keep). More as I think of them... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 01/05/95 AT 09:54:08 Comments : HAHAHA=2 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=35 Message # 573. Date: 01/04/95. Time: 09:33:55. Read 73 Times. From : Jehan To : Lady K Subj : trivia RECEIVED PERMIFIED One of these days I want to do my version of the cartoon witch standing there, covered in charcoal and muttering, "That's it, next time I use a spell checker!" MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 01/05/95 AT 10:12:28 Comments : HAHAHA=19 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 574. Date: 01/05/95. Time: 17:31:44. Read 67 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Lady K Subj : cats RECEIVED PERMIFIED Actually, no. My theory on cats and kittens is simple: They're not even the same species. Face it. When you go out to the pet store or the pound or wherever, you get, not a cat, but a kitten. You watch the kitten. You enjoy the kitten. The kitten is cute. It pounces on gnats, it plays with yarn, it attacks shoelaces, and other typically adorable kittenish things. You feed it, and it grows. Then, one night after you've had the cute little nipper ten or twelve months, THEY come. They sneak into your house while you are sleeping, take away your sweet little kitten, and leave in it's place a rotten, disgusting, arrogant CAT! This cat LOOKS like your cute little kitten, but it's not. It comes equipped with a CATtitude, and biological stuff that you either have to pay through the nose to have removed, or put up with their putting it to use. I'll give them this: cats are NOT dumb. They gnow that no one in their right mind would have a cat for a pet, given a choice, so they take the choice away. They grow the kittens in vats in secret feline laboratories, send them out into the world to insinuate themselves into people's hearts, then supplant them. The kittens are then forced to repeat the same shameful deed over and over again. They are virtual slaves, victims of the heinous cats who are their cruel and unforgiving masters. Lucky indeed are the kittens who are sent to the pound if they fail to totally enrapture their chosen victim humans; they at least can get a second chance, and are afforded some protection while they wait. The poor, unfortunate ones who are simply unceremoniously tossed out are gathered up by the cats, and made to face the most dire of consequences for their failure. To the mind of the cat, if a kitten can't win over the heart of a human, it has no use, except to be used as raw material in experiments to create an even cuter, more foolproof kitten. I will go to great lengths to free kittens from this foul servitude. Perhaps a commando raid? I think their base is in Katmandu... The Necromancer -=Obfuscate=- )Instigate( MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 01/06/95 AT 07:54:45 Comments : WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 575. Date: 01/11/95. Time: 19:07:04. Read 61 Times. From : Slayer To : ALL Subj : Of searching.. PERMIFIED Searching for truth through the myriad of lies and falsehoods for truth and shelter from the harsh gale of life Looking for that unyielding beacon truth The temptation is there though to submerse myself in my own lie Drop away from my quest for truth Create my own shard of falsehood warm myself in the pale glow of deceit to myself, Yet I shall not give in For i know the light of that truth is far more brillant than any falsehood That unyeilding truth? LOVE T M S 94 MOVED FROM "Love & Hate" BY Tzipporah ON 01/11/95 AT 19:18:05 Message # 576. Date: 01/11/95. Time: 00:08:15. Read 66 Times. From : Stranger To : Ghost Subj : Sourcery's Demise RECEIVED PERMIFIED the tree that fell across my road could only hail from yester's day or from the day ahead the savage raving of blind man's seething steals the stream of consciousness coursing neeth my veins; til the clock tolls the last hour my leaves will toil up to sun. Stranger MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 01/11/95 AT 22:02:21 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 577. Date: 01/11/95. Time: 23:31:22. Read 67 Times. From : Ghost To : Nuna Bov Subj : Afterthought PERMIFIED When I can tell you what happened just don't ask me when memory is supposed to be a highway seamless perfect a highball to the then not some child's game of hide and seek (I always won at hide and seek. I remember that.) so I won't sit and sweat under your question let the white coat speed your destination watch me park and take my ease and cultivate a gourmet taste for swiss cheese 1/11/95 MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Shay Pas ON 01/13/95 AT 21:16:32 Comments : WOW!=23 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 578. Date: 01/14/95. Time: Anytime. Read 77 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : ghost Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED she sits and past her hopeful eyes (chocolate kisses melting with the dreams burning from the brilliant flame of devotion) flickers his image and she wonders if he ever has dreams of a lost princess dancing at a ten oclock ball of questions finding everything in his arms weaving in and out of various melodies with the ever present fear of following in the fate of that which had brought her to this event at the stroke of reality MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 01/15/95 AT 02:16:09 Comments : BRAVO!=35 Message # 579. Date: 01/19/95. Time: 06:24:49. Read 16 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : ANN OTHERWORLD/THE NECROMANCER/LADY K/HACK MAN/Mr Natural Subj : INTERESTING THINGY PRIVATE RECEIVED PERMIFIED I had a wild ride on here this morning. I was chatting with someone and the line noise would scroll screen after screen and the beeps were arriving in code. I'm now convinced it was alien transmissions and they were trying to communicate. Then when I got logged off, my phone was dead. I turned off the computer. Phone still dead. I searched the wires and connections. All was fine. Then I found that I had a three-line adaptor connection to the wall connection and it had come loose. I took it out, plugged into the original connection and viola, here I am. I am a little disappointed it wasn't some sort of alien communication. I had just thought I'd been given the secrets to save the world. ha/1 AO MOVED FROM "Group Mail" BY HACK MAN ON 01/19/95 AT 14:15:50 Message # 580. Date: 01/12/95. Time: 13:25:26. Read 83 Times. From : Jehan To : Ghost Subj : Well... RECEIVED PERMIFIED You know, I really believed in it before, had no doubts at all about it in my mind, but it is quite another thing entirely to have the truth of the matter confirmed. Anyway, the floor in my garage spoke to me this morning. It was a terse message, but understandable none the less. "Exist.", it said. Firmly. Clearly. And in black and white. Now I really always have known that floor existed. After all, I've walked on it on my way to the washing machine or the car for years. And I've never once taken a step and not found it underfoot. (Though sometimes when the cat is underfoot, I'll take a misstep and find it a little faster.) But it has never taken a philosophical position before. Oh, no, it has always maintained a really low profile, been the lowest common denominator of garagedom, even, and sort of just lay low, mumchance. I don't know why it suddenly decided to assert itself now. Of course the past few days it has been inundated, what with the rain and all. It is decorated with a whole population of defunct earth worms, washed in from who knows where and, so, not really looking its best. That must be it. On the other hand, it could just be it captured a leftover thought or two from a school project and decided to subvert it for its own use. Anyway, I am pleased to announce the continued existance of the only subversive subfloor in South Oxnard. MOVED FROM "Jehan's Toy Box" BY HACK MAN ON 01/24/95 AT 14:51:45 Comments : OH MY GOD!=1 #580. Message # 581. Date: 01/16/95. Time: 21:40:39. Read 109 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Raboof! PERMIFIED Come out of your homes! Cast away your weapons! Hug your children and rejoice, for POGS are officially dead! --M. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 01/24/95 AT 17:48:49 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 582. Date: 02/01/95. Time: 17:59:50. Read 91 Times. From : The Necromancer To : All Subj : Fun Stuff. PERMIFIED I just got ahold of this recently. It was obviously taken off the net, and it obviously originated in Britain, but I bring it to you as if it wefe fresh. BTW, it's also obviously kinda old... 20 things that never happen on "Star Trek" 1) The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy feild of a type it has encountered several times before. 2) Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly. 3) The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are perfectly alright. 4) The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-gnown older lifeform wearing a funny hat. 5) The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sickbay. 6) The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people, which is made a great deal easier by the Prime Directive. 7) The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident. 8) An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's Computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads. 9) A power surge on the bridge is is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly trained and competent engineering staff. 10)The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial. 11)The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence, which they easily pacify by offering it some cookies. 12)The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise", where everybody is ahppy all of the time, However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems. 13)A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction. 14)The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way totally unconnected with the late twentieth century. 15)Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically seperated from her at the end of the episode. 15a) Kirk (or Riker) gets an STD. 16)Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious. 17)The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher. 18)Wesley crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change. 19)Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him. 20)Most thing that are new or in some way unexpected. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 02/02/95 AT 14:11:05 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=4 RASPBERRYS=1 Message # 583. Date: 02/07/95. Time: 10:50:21. Read 98 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : STATEMENT PERMIFIED COMPARISONS TO THE PAST ARE IRRELEVANT. THIS IS THE NOW. THIS BBS IS DIFFERENT NOW AND SO ARE IT'S USERS. CURRENT POLICY AND STANDARDS WILL REFLECT THAT NEW DIFFERENCE. I MYSELF RARELY IF EVER FEEL HATE, AND WHEN I DO I KEEP IT TO MYSELF BECAUSE I CONSIDER HATE TO BE AN UGLY THING THAT SHOULD BE KEPT OUT OF PUBLIC VIEW. I CAN EXPERIENCE THE HATE AND DEAL WITH IT WITHOUT VENTING IT OUT TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC AND THEREBY SPREADING ANNOYANCE AND ANGUISH TO EVERYBODY ELSE. ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT PEOPLE ON THIS BBS WILL BE REQUIRED TO ACT LIKE GROWN UPS. YOU CAN EXPRESS ANY OPINION YOU WANT BUT IT MUST BE DONE TASTEFULLY AND PERSONAL ATTACKS WILL BE LIMITED TO THE HALL OF FLAME. THIS IS A NEW STANDARD THAT I HAVE DECIDED TO ENFORCE. HATEFUL BICKERING WILL BE CONFINED TO ONE SUB ONLY. BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE IT, AND I THINK THAT MOST OF MY USERS DON'T LIKE IT EITHER. ARGUING WITH AND TALKING BACK TO THE SYSOP WILL ALSO NOT BE TOLERATED. THIS IS MY BBS. I WROTE IT. I PAY FOR IT. I WILL DETERMINE THE DIRECTION FOR IT. I WILL CENSOR IT IF NECESSARY. YOU AS AMERICANS HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY WHEREVER YOU WANT TO SAY IT. THIS BBS IS A PRIVATELY OWNED PLACE. IT IS IN MY HOME. IN A VERY REAL SENSE IT IS MY HOME. I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE TALKING SHIT IN MY HOME. IT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED AND IT WILL BE CORRECTED BY WHATEVER MEASURES I DEEM NECESSARY AT MY BEST DISCRETION. I DON'T CARE WHO DID WHAT TO WHOM AND WHAT HAPPENED WHERE OR HOW THINGS USED TO BE, OR WHO GOT AWAY WITH WHAT WHEN AND WHO WANTS TO GET AWAY WITH WHAT NOW. THOSE ARE ALL CHILDISH IMMATURE EXCUSES AND EVASIONS. THIS MESSAGE IS NOT AIMED AT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR, BUT IS A CULMINATION OF A WHOLE BUNCH OF DIFFERENT EVENTS AND IS MEANT TO BE AN EXPRESSION OF MY OWN VIEWPOINT AND A GUIDE TO FUTURE POLICY. C- - - MOVED FROM "Love" BY HACK MAN ON 02/14/95 AT 16:16:21 Comments : WAY!=17 RASPBERRYS=2 BLOWS!=1 WHO CARES=1 BRAVO!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 GIVE ME A BREAK!=2 WOW!=1 BLAH=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 584. Date: 02/12/95. Time: 04:02:17. Read 79 Times. From : IRIE To : Ashiqui Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED You could always wait in hope of receiving flowers and chocolates and a romantic date to an exotic restaurant followed by dancing and an evening of passion and romance, followed by an erotic interlude in which both of you fall madly in love with each other and travel directly to Las Vegas for a quick but tender exchange of vows in which both of you are forever commited and bound to each other as long as the two of you live, cursed to a life of waking up to each other every morning, establishing a comfortable and secure routine suitable for countless screaming children which you will have to raise and nurture throughout your life and into your elderly years in which you will be abandoned and locked up in a home for old rejects as soon as your children regard you as more of a burdon than a mealticket, spending your days writing letters on valentines day, and every other day, reminiscing about the golden years of our youth, and how nice it would be to go back and do it all over differently, only with the knowledge of years of experience and pain. But then, why hope when there's a telephone! MOVED FROM "Love" BY Minx ON 02/14/95 AT 22:31:50 Comments : HAHAHA=1 OBFUSCATED=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 585. Date: 02/13/95. Time: 14:33:17. Read 77 Times. From : KEn To : Serendipity Subj : Questions.. RECEIVED PERMIFIED You are sooooooo wrong... EVERYTHING is like... SMURFS!!!! [B I REmain MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Number Two ON 02/16/95 AT 10:03:45 Message # 586. Date: 02/16/95. Time: 12:16:22. Read 67 Times. From : Jehan To : Raevan Subj : AH! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Quoth the Raevan, "Unclemore?" 1 - If you want a nose job, just crow a little more. 2 - You can call me a roosevelt by any other name, but you have to admit you carry a bigger stick. 3 - Awww, you're so cute when you're persed! So, who crucified whom on the road to Rome, anyway? ...another slave revolts.... MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY Gravebuster ON 02/16/95 AT 18:33:53 Comments : PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 587. Date: 02/16/95. Time: 23:19:58. Read 79 Times. From : Raevan To : All Subj : All PERMIFIED If you're reading this, you're part of it. If you aren't reading this, don't be concerned. If you want to read this, you probably shouldn't. If you don't want to read this, you probably need to. As Always, Until the Next, Me. Raevan MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 02/17/95 AT 18:46:21 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 588. Date: 02/17/95. Time: 04:13:35. Read 62 Times. From : Shay Pas To : duhtoshtanyana Subj : hello, tanyana PERMIFIED "teach me to dance, to do the french twist" but i stept on his toes so now he's pist what do you expect from one but beginning not complete moronity...that is sinning oh woe to louis his malady of mortality he who who thinks rats are no form of bestiality flock spelling flock deeper truth rhyme man rhythym speak from one tooth flock sheep flock brrd ooops haha didja geddit? pfui i go do homework now. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 02/18/95 AT 00:45:31 Comments : HAHAHA=1 WHO CARES=1 WOW!=1 Message # 589. Date: 02/17/95. Time: 18:47:03. Read 78 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Fink Ployd Subj : Okay, Here's An Easier One RECEIVED PERMIFIED On the other hand, since I obfuscate as naturally as breathing, geting a job where I am paid for it would be even better than mattress-testing. MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY Gravebuster ON 02/19/95 AT 21:54:42 Comments : HAHAHA=100 Message # 591. Date: 02/20/95. Time: 00:56:00. Read 74 Times. From : Stranger To : All Subj : The Way Stranger Lost His Job PERMIFIED The Way Stranger Lost His Job, by Stranger ><-ile I woke up on sunday morning, feeling somewhat sick to my stomach and physically tired, but otherwise fine. I was filled with the realization that it was early, and that today was a day that I had to open the store, my Beloved Radio Shack. Upon finishing becoming human, I ambled off in strangerific fashion towards that electronics mecca, and opened. I noticed a light headedness that was slightly irritating, but not overly so, and opened the store without any hitches. An hour later, another employee came in, and I found out that the other employee was sick, and wouldnt be coming in, so I would be by myself from 2 pm until closing at 6. Fine. After 2, I proceeded onward in my radio shackal duties by myself, something which can be difficult with a store full of customers. I wasnt worried, though--- I'm great. Through out the next few hours, I began to feel more light headed, and to have "head rushes" in which I would sometimes almost black out. This caused me some consternation, but i was determined to finish and then go collapse at home and rest. At one point, around 4:30, a mere hour and a half before closing, I suddenly felt very nauseous, and with a quick "excuse me, PLEASE," I half-ran-half-shimmied to the back room, to the employee's rest room, and vomited. Hmmm, thought I, vomiting usually means something bad.... maybe I should call my manager, since I'm by myself. I was filled with the fore gnowledge of an incipient revomiting. I called my manager and asked him to come help me because i was feeling very sick, and he said he would be right there. When he arrived, with another employee, I exhaled a sigh of relief. Then he went into the back room, and noticing that I had not put away all of the stock that day (not surprising, considering that I was by myself, I would think...) he picked up the box of remaining stock and threw it out onto the sales floor, upsetting (and spilling) its contents. That surprised me, but i was used to his violent temper bursts. As he began to count the cash drawer, I asked him if i could go home.... feeling the oncoming urge to vomit. It seemed that he had brought another employee just for that purpose-- so i could go home. But he grumbled, "you're not leaving til 6. If you go out that door, dont bother coming back." I was confused, but resigned to being a minimum wage slave and I nodded a mute agreement, and continued onward. He continued to count the cash drawer, obviously very pissed off at me. The manner in which he was counting is hard to portray in writing, but it was with unveiled hostility. he then slammed the cash drawer shut and swept into the back room, slamming the door behind him. An adolescent boy came up to me and asked for change, and smiling an acquiescence, I went to the cash drawer and tried to open it, but it WAS JAMMED SHUT! I realized that my manager had just jammed the drawer shut and in order to continue with my job, I would have to walk in to the back room and ASK him to go open the drawer that he had just jammed shut. Incredible amounts of anger (and any anger for me is out of the ordinary) combined with nausea and frustration and helplessness and flipped my lid. I kicked the counter in an ineffectual attempt at emotional release, and walked to the back room. I grabbed my coat, said in my steely baritone, "I Quit," and walked out the door. I was sick, along with my two roommates, the entire next week. And jobless. This just goes to show that Futility is Resistant. Stranger ><-ile the Unemployed MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 02/20/95 AT 07:45:01 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 592. Date: 02/18/95. Time: 13:37:47. Read 86 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Buzz Czar Subj : lonesome blues and different hues of green PERMIFIED It's a weird but wonderful experience sitting here alone in FalCO's, watching the walls and ceiling move. I like random-patterned cottage cheese ceilings as they move better under intense gazing. I just sauntered over to the Lotus jukebox and slipped in a slug. He's still screaming, but shit, I'll pretend I'm drinking tequila and salt the sucker. Now I've gummed up the works and the box is stuck on one song and I'd like to shoot whoever planted it in there because I hate it so much. Why Em Cee A. This is too much. Pull goes the plug. It's so quiet. It sounds as if the whole world just shut down. If pins were dropping, they'd deafen me. I'm suddenly hungry for noise. A big bang might be cool, but that's overtheorized. In the big inning. Big deal. Two astronauts land in a lush garden and eat a magic mushroom and the whole race has been tripping ever since. Ever wonder why people sometimes don't know whether they're dead or alive or awake or dreaming? We're under the spell of the spore addicts and the good news is that it's ending. Then the true new aquarian age can begin and the world can spin off her axis for all I care. I like a good bumpy ride. Makes me feel alive. So what am I doing on a sunny winter Saturday afternoon sucking down suds in a Tavern? I could be basking my scared and scary bod on the beach but someone would call animal control and tell them there's a dead anorexic seal on the sand and I'd have to go through the humiliation of standing up and answering questions. Nah, I'll stay where I am where it's safe and secure. If I've passed out and am snoring in a back bench, wake me gently, please. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 02/21/95 AT 14:37:40 Comments : DOINK=1 BRAVO!=59 Message # 593. Date: 02/08/95. Time: 16:50:29. Read 86 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Fink Ployd Subj : RECEIVED Jeeze! All these axe murderers around here! It's truly a sad thing. How is an up and coming young axe supposed to make it in the world? Imagine this from the axe's point of view: here you are, just out of finishing school, on the cutting edge in your field. you're sure you can handle anythin. You put on your cords and split for the great primeval world. But when you arrive, you find that you can't see the forest for the trees. They start to grind you down, and you lose your temper. You look sharp, but it seems you just can't cut it. Eventually, you find you're doing nothing but barking up the wrong tree. In desperation, you steal some Wedgewood china and climb on your chopper, but they're on your trail, and soon, you find that you're cut off. You're out on a limb, so you surrender. They want to send you up the river, but a beurocratic logjam results in your bailing out. You write your memoirs for a TV movie, but an editor does a hatchet job on it, and you're murdered by the critics. Keep in mind this fable, the next time you feel like murdering an axe, and the world will be a better place for rural cutlery everywhere! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 02/21/95 AT 14:51:10 Comments : HAHAHA=17 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=18 Message # 594. Date: 02/18/95. Time: 14:39:20. Read 80 Times. From : Ghost To : HACK MAN Subj : Questions.. RECEIVED PERMIFIED If you start having rules about stray subjects, won't you want to start neutering them, just to avoid a population explosion of chaotic, unclassifible, uncontrollable thoughts, expressions, and reflections? MOVED FROM "Love" BY HACK MAN ON 02/21/95 AT 15:46:38 Message # 595. Date: 01/16/95. Time: 11:13:08. Read 84 Times. From : Number Two To : Linda-Look-Lively Subj : Sarchophagus Water flowed flip flop flim through dark narrow passages. Bubbling pools gurgled in and about, groping for a hand hold, something firm to stop the incessant movement and the chatterbox mind. Short of resigning to the inevitable, it bent light instead.......... Always the rebel She sat on the edge of a dark gurgling pool, dimly aware of movement in the water, but not sensing the desperation in it, nor did she see rebellion in refraction. She sat on one hip, legs bent at the knees, toes pointing unfailingly to the west. Even in the dark some part of her knew where the sun had gone off to and when to expect it again. Her legs began to tingle and go numb, and still she just sat. a stalactite looked down and asked her why she sat so still. She smiled but did not move, answered in a voice of pure strawberry preserves. She said "Sweet stone, I sit not stiller than you, but if you must know true, I sit and watch and wait and dream, simply because I want to." Flabergasted by this response and not knowing what to reply, the stalactite instead began to the low hum of the water ritual. Drops of sweet sweat from above, travelling for Granite knows how long, sliding slowly down the body of the stalactite; all the way down it's contours, leaving little mineral traces along it's length like a breadcrumb trail. Until finally hanging on the tip over the chasm of the rest of the world. drop... She droped.... MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 02/21/95 AT 23:24:03 Comments : ZZZZZZZ=2 PROMOTE ME=23 Message # 596. Date: 02/21/95. Time: 08:43:20. Read 68 Times. From : Jehan To : Gravebuster Subj : Okay, Here's An Easier One RECEIVED PERMIFIED I'll see your teenager and raise mine. :) MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY Gravebuster ON 02/22/95 AT 19:23:58 Comments : HAHAHA=117 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 597. Date: 02/22/95. Time: 16:16:23. Read 80 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Caffeine Fiend Subj : lonesome blues and different hues of green RECEIVED PERMIFIED You missed your calling. Acting sounds like the field you should have plowed into. I don't think you're weird, just wired differently and wow wired is an anagram for weird. We rid. Ahooo. The moon isn't full, but I am. I hate my job, my life is all but nonexistant. I've sat on my ass and dreamt for as long as I've been alive. Yeah, I'm gonna be a wheel someday, I'm gonna be somebody, then I'll find a real gone cat....help, I'm sounding like I'm stuck in the late 50's or early 60's. I'm just stuck, period. Stranded at the end of the bumfuck Silver beach, carless, careless, lazy and tired. I can hardly get inspired anymore. I'm becoming jaded and cynical and hard as 9 inch nails. Hmmm. I got a little off subject and carried away, but I must rant and pant or I'll explode. Or implode and be a REAL mess inside. It's the ether. The mutherhumping ether I came into this reality on. I was gassed. And I loved it, but it didn't make me fit. When other kids were playing with their toes and cooing at rattles shaking, I was talking to unseen friends. I hadn't lost the connection. I wrestled the dark one and didn't sip from the chalice. I was Alice for crying out loud, for cripes sake and all those trite, worn and banal expressions. Hey, I'm eXpressing myself. I'm eXposing my soul and my role in this crazy play. And that brings me back to the beginning of this rambling post. Acting. I really do believe the "we're all actors" bit and that we're just a vast cast of characters constantly recycling oursELVES in play after play, movie after movie, drama after drama and no I'm not going to get carried away with that. I prefer the Andy Devine Comedy. Help. I'm having trouble stopping. I feel like I'm puking all over the screen. A comet of vomit streaking the black. Wheeeeee, I'm trying to bow out of this gracefully. But, it's not my style. I hope I'm ahead. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 02/23/95 AT 10:33:01 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=1 Message # 598. Date: 02/23/95. Time: 01:33:30. Read 69 Times. From : Stranger To : Captain Wallaby Subj : Viva La Mint da Spaniel Stranger ><-ile looked at his watch, grinning to himself (noting that it was near midnight) at a private joke of his (the joke being that he doesnt wear a watch) but not too loudly because of his environs: a lightless library, soundless too; dark and frightening like a black man with a bloody chain saw, only he's wearing a glow-in-the-dark green beanie that ruins the effect somewhat, causing people to giggle a little bit before their body parts get all chopped up and bloody. Not that that man was here, in the Library-- that was merely a simile, and not intended for use by immature audiences. Stop snickering. The erstwhile (okay, not erstwhile, but he liked to think of himself that way, and was looking forward to a future time when he would be able to escape his apathy long enough to look up the word) Stranger pulled a large conch shell out of his black roquelaure. (What'd you expect? He lost most of his precious belongings in a boating accident in the seventies.) He put his ear to the iridescent shell, and listened intently. From the cthonic depths of the conch, he heard a strange voice utter, "'The art of reading is to skip judiciously.' - - P.G. Hamerton." He put away his Quotomatic Conch, and skipped himself. Stranger MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 02/23/95 AT 12:23:57 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 599. Date: 02/24/95. Time: 08:01:46. Read 86 Times. From : KEn To : all Subj : AHA! PERMIFIED Okay so I seem to have notice that the retreat has taken a somewhat different direction from when I first started calling... I gnow, most of you are going, "DUH, where's he been"... anyway, I suppose we all have, taken a different direction I mean... I for one am not the same as I was when I first started calling..at least I feel different and I've noticed that I post differently, at least until today... so can ANYONE tell that I'm really outta stuff to do at work and my caffiene rush is at full fluition???? Where was I , oh yeah, It's NOT like I meant to change... not that I even noticed.. Until now, I just did.. I miss the old days.. the old attitudes, My old friends... whipping Mikester with Hot wheel tracks and baby oil...Talking to Jehan about life in general, and accidently surpriseing Ann with something I posted that struck her fancy.. or actually READING a post from GB anywhere else besides the Music sub... when Skurkey used to call and We were all okay with that... when stranger used to be, well, stranger...and I used to bug Hackman about just about everything and when Shay Pas used to post her extremely interesting stories ALL over the place so we'd all gnow about her "special Bond" with Mr. Lipton.. ...Meloncholy, Ithink that's what it's called... Oh well, I'm older, you guys are too, except we dont want or NEED to admit it anymore... things change, and they will always be the same somewhere else by someone else... You guys (et el) gnow the old saying... " free your mind, and your ass will follow"... unfortunatly it doesn't work all the time with all people... I REmain MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 02/26/95 AT 00:23:15 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=4 Message # 600. Date: 02/25/95. Time: 00:19:36. Read 83 Times. From : Ghost To : Nuna Bov Subj : final draft PERMIFIED ringsrung in some dark hour I brush the lint off memories of you and sunlit mornings silent smiles over toast with fuzzy butter breathless gasps as we burned with bitter coffee all passion's clutch a peck of blinding habit so the peaceful slam of door became the piecemeal rush for that refuge made of work for only midnight can disinter dead love and refresh the last lease and boney convention in silent clinks of gilded thoughts cast across barren tabletops MOVED FROM "Strangeland" BY Stranger ON 03/02/95 AT 01:35:09 Comments : BRAVO!=3 BLAH=1 PROMOTE ME=2 #600. Message # 601. Date: 03/02/95. Time: 00:21:23. Read 70 Times. From : Number Two To : KEn Subj : mind stuph..... thank god it aint leaking... or is it?? RECEIVED PERMIFIED Spice is boring. It's only good for longevity and prescience (which is a big trap by the way). What you really should be desirous of, is Pizzazz. Pizzazz encompasses all of those obscure traits that make someone the life of the party, and yet still able to lead that daring bank robbery in Switzerland or the Cayman Islands (Bank city, you know). Pizzazz knocks women of their feet, and puts men into the groove faster than you can say "Leather Clad Josie and the Pussycats". Your Pal 2 Number Two Pizzazz MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 03/02/95 AT 11:48:49 Message # 602. Date: 03/01/95. Time: 23:24:46. Read 72 Times. From : Ghost To : Unka Buck Subj : Suicide is Painless RECEIVED PERMIFIED Maxwell. Yes? But is Max well? Well? Max? Max! See? Max, see! Hey, Max, see. Mac's. Mac. Hey, Mac! Hey, Mac, willya movit? Sure. Swell. Mac's swell. Maxwell. Yes. MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY Gravebuster ON 03/02/95 AT 19:37:00 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BOG ME=666 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 603. Date: 03/03/95. Time: 15:56:52. Read 64 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : when in doubt PERMIFIED If you cant be weird, i guess you should bore the heck out of everyone else. Right, raevan? Stranger MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY HACK MAN ON 03/03/95 AT 19:09:55 Message # 604. Date: 03/03/95. Time: 00:26:16. Read 74 Times. From : Unka Buck To : KEn Subj : Again RECEIVED PERMIFIED Dial Tone... Beep, beeep, BEEP, Beep, bEEp, Beeep, beep... RING... RING... Hello. It's me... He's on to us. Oh shit. How do you gnow? I can just tell. You gnow, by the way he talks... the way he keeps looking at me. Now, look! Calm down. There's no way he can gnow. Hey! What was that click?! We're being bugged. I didn't hear anything. We can't talk! We're dead! Arrgh! Hey, don't... CLICK. --==UNKA BUCK==-- --==OBFUSCATE==-- MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium" BY HACK MAN ON 03/03/95 AT 19:15:28 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 605. Date: 03/05/95. Time: 21:17:37. Read 69 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : The Necromancer Subj : BOREDUMB RECEIVED PERMIFIED hahaha. I am in pain now. Truly. Seriously. My body is screaming and I'm trying not to listen. I just got off work and I think every jerk on the beach came in just to give me a hard time. But, I played the role and passed out cheesy grins and ...grrrr, having to censor myself here and it's hissing me off. I wonder what would happen if I completely cut loose and didn't give a flying fuck about what pops into my mind. I find censoring these thoughts is a full-time job. I don't want a full time job. I don't wanta ever give another blow job and I don't want some slob telling what and what not to do. Screw it, I'm a bulb. A Two-lip and I'm glowing crazy and dreaming of Amsterdammit. I need a cigarette...time out Ok, nicotine fit over and I'm just getting started. I'm a late bloomer, oooeee, finally being who I want to be. The of chorus of a song that longs to be sung like all the art begging to be hung. I will die trying and I'm trying not to think of Thursday when I'm going visit the altered ethers. I must come back, I must come back. I must remember to click my heels three time six. Number nine, that's the size. I'm going to rise and play with the vapors as I breath deep and count backwards from 23. One two three, look at Mr. Lee, ooh Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee. The fifties putting in an appearance on my inner jukebox. A quarter just slipped into my slotted hand and I find I've left my body and I'm sitting in the back booth at Falco's waiting for some action. I've still got some traction in this here body. I can still rock and roll, Lawdy Miss Clawdy. Can't shake the 50's. Oh no, here comes one of my old FAVEorites...Angel Baby. Ooooeee, doing the nasty with ohgasp this is the truth, Mr. Lee. Robert, where are you now. Like I really care. Like anyone will understand anything of what I'm saying. I'm dumping. I've got all this shit in my head and I need to clear it out. So, let me mentally puke for the next few lines and I'll get out of here. I'm a BARFly and you'd better not swat me. Go team go. Boy, talk about random sequencing and fencing with your shadow. Lamont Cranston died for your sins. Repent. The day of the fool is at hand. Ah, I just chuckled! I can stop now. I've brought myself back up to a bearable level. Now to pop 2 eXcederin PM's and get ready to dream. Good night. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 03/06/95 AT 08:34:12 Comments : OBFUSCATED=60 Message # 606. Date: 03/02/95. Time: 03:48:46. Read 74 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : Another One RECEIVED Obfuscation is bullshitting the bull. úfPú MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 03/06/95 AT 10:51:45 Message # 607. Date: 11/06/94. Time: 08:19:12. Read 91 Times. From : I am WRONG To : All Subj : Love? PERMIFIED What is Love, then? The fire of the Heart Desired Chains Holding, Binding... Love is the life's blood of the soul. Love is the meat and drink of the spirit. Love is the sweet torture sought by millions The laughing agony... A roller coaster, without the safety bar. Apart, we are nothing. Together, we've enough to set the world aflame. Together we are Legion. Hold the Chalice to you lips and drink deep... Never to know if its the Holy Grail... Or the cup of Socrates. -??- MOVED FROM "Love" BY Tzipporah ON 03/11/95 AT 10:40:37 Comments : WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 608. Date: 11/17/94. Time: 23:04:28. Read 83 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Mikester Subj : Crossovers! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Man, you're a geek. úfPú MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 03/12/95 AT 11:21:52 Message # 609. Date: 03/14/95. Time: 08:19:09. Read 70 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Jehan Subj : a n n a 1 a n n a 2 RECEIVED PERMIFIED I AM HACK OF DOINK. RESISTANCE IS COLOR CODED. INDUCTANCE IS MAGNETIC. CAPACITANCE IS SHOCKING. FUTILITY IS IMPORTANT. EVERYTHING IS RELATIVE. RELATIVES CAN BE ANNOYING. ANNOYANCES ARE LIFE. EVERYTHING IS LIFE. DOINK IS EVERYTHING. DOINK IS LIFE. THE SPICE IS LIFE. DOINK IS THE SPICE OF LIFE. DOINK IS THE RELATIVELY FUTILE IMPORTANT SPICE OF LIFE. C- - - MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench" BY Number Two ON 03/14/95 AT 23:35:36 Comments : HAHAHA=18 Message # 610. Date: 03/13/94. Time: 09:58:04. Read 110 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Birthday PERMIFIED It's my party, and I'll PI if I want to. --the Mikester MOVED FROM "THE PI ROOM" BY HACK MAN ON 03/15/95 AT 15:11:52 Comments : PROMOTE ME=17 #610. Message # 611. Date: 03/20/95. Time: 13:17:15. Read 74 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Raevan Subj : AH! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Because Gaviscon carries a wider selection and a higher calibre of party-goer. Allow me to quote... 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(65 yrs. and over.) | |_______________________________________________________________________| Remember, kids, with RENT-A-FRIEND (tm), you're never alone! úfPú ***RENT-A-FRIEND and BUY-A-FRIEND are trademarked, copywrited, copywronged, and leftrighted by Gaviscon Industries, Inc. Trapped on Terra, baby.*** MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL" BY Gravebuster ON 03/20/95 AT 22:15:16 Comments : HAHAHA=3 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 612. Date: 03/18/95. Time: 16:51:31. Read 79 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Jehan Subj : Doink! RECEIVED PERMIFIED I wasn't going to let this out and I hope Hackintosh forgives me, but we've been getting it on. Doing IT. Fornicating. He's been puttin rod to bod. All I can gasp when I'm on top, is Tosh Tosh Tosh. He says, Peter, and I say yes. He asked me to keep our mad affair secret, but he's taking so much flak lately that I believe it is time for all you cyberspace-cadets to know that Hackintosh knocked me up. Just think, there's going to be a little AO/Hackintosh on the loose in 8 months. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 03/21/95 AT 09:59:34 Comments : HAHAHA=18 PROMOTE ME=11 Message # 613. Date: 03/19/95. Time: 11:13:07. Read 92 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : all Subj : Tender Prey and why Nick Cave lives PERMIFIED I'm in the strangest state right now. I came through the ethers once again and I think I was taught a lot while I was gone for the two hours or so I was out. I think my head is full. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. My youth never left. I've nothing left to lose. I'm not afraid to die. Thank you slick Nick for letting me play with your lyrics. I think my head is burning...and anyway I told the truth. I'm reclined in Proper-comfort postion pondering my lotus while wondering why I was wondering why lettuce comes in leafs. What I wouldn't give for some speared lettuce. I'd take down the whole damned-by-the-shroom garden. The rag den of need. Anagram it dammit, the truth is scrambled. Get your signals straight. Fine tune and fine tune again. The music has changed into a gloomier mood. Who's that yonder, hole in face, up jumped the devil and he staked his claim. Ha! Ain't no such beast. Look east, go west young man. Me, I wanta go up up and away. I hate anchors, especially those of the spiritual kind. I think I'll go diggin in the lands of Mexeeeco. Ooooeeee. One two three, you're out, I'm in. I'm in my favorite space. Oooh, who's that dancing on the jail house roof? This ain' t no spoof, no goofing off. I have to say that again. I dig how it sounds. Goofing Off. Heeheee. That's me. Gu Fing Auf, a half german half chinese acupuncturist. Ah, the list goes on and on. By the way, there is no down below. No feathers either or pillow for that matter. Matter. Another word I like. Grey matter of fact. Ain't no facts, only theories. And Leary's isn't the one. They're all off base. Watch out boys, I'm streaking across home plate. I may be a bored winner, but dammit, I'm a winner. Lose isn't in my VoeCabbulary. Hey, I haven't cussed once during this whole transmission impossible. Fuck shit damn. There. I feel better know. Let those dirty words out and clean them up. Spit-polish the suckers, the little fuckers are going to dance tonight. Let's hustle down to Harlem and knock left turns. Eeehaw, go Trigger, go, I'm gunnin for your soul. Just kidding as we go skidding to a stop. I slide off, pat the old blonde mare on the rump, climb the Hemingway Hump and I'm home James, like in Jesse. Jesse worked fer ma gramma on hir ranch in Misery. I think he knew Shay Pas. Eehaw, I put spur to fur and off we go, me cackling like the crone I am and that equine machine is neighing her ass off. Hey, I thought ya dropped off the horse and were home. Gad Martha, how'd ya get back on the horse?? I thought you were going to get out your gitfiddle and write that song that's running through your head. It's too sick. I can't do it. Leave me alone. I will not write a song about slit throats and Nicole. No I will not call it I'm glad I'm Not Nicole because I'd get slammed by the mainstream media and would be come an underground godess. Wow, sweet young things groveling at my feet. These feet that have trod this place for 53 whole years. It's only been through a series of miracles Im here now. Am I? Ask me if I care. Right not I'm HERE. I'm in my favorite bar with my favorite bartender and I'm on a bender. And there's no one here to tell me to shut up or cry mercy. This is my kinda place. I like the aloneness of it here. It doesn't seem like it's a lone type of place, but I've yet to see a real face here. I saw a couple of cool machine characters smooching in a booth, a john booth at that. I leave, looking for a garden of roses. I'm very thorny today. If I were a guy I'd be called a prick. O stick um up. This is a hold-up. Have mercy on me. Droop to your knees, sucker. Kiss the ground for me. I can't get violent. It brings me down. I want to be elated (to the tune of the sedated song). I still love the Ramones, the raw moans, the groans, the joans the jetts and this is one thread I don't want to start. I'm now on side two and the music has yet to begun. Ah, yes, sweet and low harmonic waves lap at my soul. I want to dive in but I'm ordered to run. I cry I'm no refuge but again I'm ordered to run to the City of Rufuge, you'd better run. Pant pant pant. I can't run anymore. It's all one big circle with no beginning and no end. It just IS. I no longer care to persue the mysteries of the universe and the million others out there. I sure hope that some alien species is picking this up somewhere in outer space. It would be fucking wild to have an entire alien race figure out the human race by the rantings and ravings of one Ann Otherworld. Uhoh, ego showing. Ah, I'm slowing down a bit. I had a lot of shit to get out. Whew. O what a relief it is to have your mind empy for even just a little while. Reality is right out there and I'm not ready to walk through the curtain right now. Ah, Nickie Baby, this is nice. Slow and so senual and snakelike in motion. So slowly goes the knight. Arm her, she could help us. Hee, a little levity sneaks in and taps me on the shoulder and says, Ann, Ann, some of these people don't have the time to read this forever and if you don't stop now, you never will. But it's my thrill, my fucking blueberry thrill. Now the Thrill is gone. I hang my head, toss in my bed and play dead. That gets old and I got cold and didn 't like the way the guages worked. I jerked on the silver chain and picked up Spain clear Isabelle. Hahahha. I think it's time to rest these fingers but my mind is stronger than my will. Something I must work on. This is going to put me up their in the characters posted, but it's not the reason for this ramble. I'm WRITING OUT THE STORM. And it worked. I've calmed, the black mood is sunny again. The tape is over. Nope, here comes Nick. Hahaha he's singing Sunday has a slave. This is Sunday and I am a slave to my mind. I don't mind at all. I get to learn as I record. That's all it is. This is the puzzle, folks, and don't complain if it takes awhile to put it together. Just whisper his name. O gasp, the face of David Koresh just flashed on my TV screen. Let's hope there's not many more of him out there, but yikes, he fathered an army. This is the last paragraph, don't laugh, this time I mean it. I'm getting hungry and that means the physical is entering the mental and it's going to bug me until op and eat or faint. So, ta ta. Twas fun. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 03/21/95 AT 10:09:24 Comments : OBFUSCATED=23 BRAVO!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 WOW!=1 Message # 614. Date: 03/22/95. Time: 08:23:59. Read 77 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : ALL Subj : A SHORT AND I MEAN SHORT WAR AND VICTORY....SO FAR PERMIFIED I'M SO FIRED UP, I HAVE TO USE CAPS. WHERE DO I START???? I JUST WENT THROUGH BATTLE AND I WON. I'M STILL SO AMPED UP. CAN YOU SEE ME STOMPING AROUND MY FRONTROOM AT 7 THIS MORNING LOOKING AND ACTING LIKE SOME MAD LITTLE PUNK ROCKER SHOUTING THERE'S GONNA BE A WAR IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD/I'M GONNA GET THAT FUCKER GONNA GET HIM GOOD? WELL, I WAS. AND I CARRIED OUT MY THREAT. YEAH, ME, SKINNY ANOREXIC LOOKING GRANDMOTHER WITH FUCKING STITCHES IN HER NECK LOOKING MUCH THE WRECK I AM OR WAS. I GOT NEW NEIGHBORS WHILE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL. RIGHT UPSTAIRS. SAME HOUSE. I'VE HAD THE PAST 4 YEARS HERE IN TOTAL PEACE. YESTERDAY I DECIDE IT'S TIME TO MEET THE ONE GUY AND EXCHANGE PHONE NUMBERS, ESPECIALLY SINCE I'D FALLEN AND HURT MYSELF THE NIGHT BEFORE. HE HAD NIRVANA CRANKED TOO LOUD TO HEAR MY KNOCK, SO I CAME HOME. LATER I WROTE BOTH GUYS A NOTE AND TOLD THEM HELLO AND I'D JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND WAS HEALING FROM MAJOR SURGERY AND COULD WE BOTH KEEP THE MUSIC DOWN WHILE I HEAL. FINE. I THOUGHT. AT 2 SOMETHING THIS MORNING I'M WAKENED WITH THIS HUGE BANG AND ROAR AND THE STOMPING OF MANY FEET UP THE STAIRS AND DRUNK VOICES SCREAMING AND SHOUTING AND I DID WHAT CAME NATURALLY, STORMED OUTSIDE, POUNDED ON HIS DOOR AND WHEN HE ANSWERED I SHOUTED HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME AND HE'S GOING ON THAT IT'S HIS HOUSE AND HIS RIGHT TO DO ANYTHING HE WANTED AND I LOOKED HIM IN THE EYE AND CALLED IT AS I SAW IT AND TOLD HIM HE WAS AN ASSHOLE. HE SLAMMED THE DOOR AS HARD AS HE COULD IN MY FACE AND SCREAMED AT ME TO GET OFF MY OWN PROPERTY. I WAS A FUCKING WRECK. I CALLED ZORBA, THINKING SKA DADDYZ HAD A GIG AND MUST ALL BE ON THE BEACH AND WOULD SUPPLY THE BACKUP I NEEDED. HE WAS ASLEEP. SO WAS BLAKE. FUCK IT. NO, I WOULDN'T CALL THE COPS. HATE THEM. DON'T WANT THEM AROUND. CALL THE LANDLADY? UPSET HER??? SHE JUST HAD SURGERY, TOO. I FINALLY FELL OUT IN SCREAMING PAIN AT 5 AM. AT TEN TO SIX THE ASSHOLE HAD THE BALLS TO POUND ON THE WALL AND YELL WAKE UP CALL. OOOOOHHEEEEEE, YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ME MOVE SO FAST. NOW I KNOW WHY I SLEEP IN CLOTHES. I CAUGHT HIM OUT FRONT AND WENT OFF AGAIN. WE WERE SCREAMING AND YELLING AND HE SAYS I BITCHED ABOUT THE MUSIC AND I ROARED THAT DIDN'T BOTHER ME, THE FACT THAT HE KNEW I WAS SICK AND HE PURPOPOUSLY FUCKED WITH ME ALL NIGHT. THEN I ASKED IF HE'D HEARD OF THE SKA DADDYZ. YEAH, HE SAYS REAL COOL LIKE. WELL, THEY'RE MY SONS AND I KNOW EVERY GUY ON THIS BEACH AND HE'S REALLY LIVID THEN, THREATENING TO GET HIS GUN AND BLOW THEM ALL AWAY AND I'M YELLING, THEY'RE PACKING BIG FUCKING DEAL. DON'T FUCK WITH ME. THEN I LOOKED AT HIM AND TOLD HIM OUR PERSONALITIES WERE A LOT ALIKE AND I KNEW HIM WELL. WITH THAT, HE AND COHORTS OF THE NIGHT, SPED AWAY, LEAVING ONE ROOMMATE UPSTAIRS. I KNEW HE WASN'T INVOLVED. SEEMED LIKE A REAL NICE GUY. GUESS HOW HE WOKE UP???? I WAS IN MY ROOM WRITING A SCATHING DECLARATION OF HOW IT'S GOING TO BE OR HOW I'LL FUCK UP HIS LIFE TO THE POINT OF MAKING HIM THE LAUGHING STOCK OF EVERY CLUB, PLUS I HAVE A LOT OF BACK UP TO DRAW FROM. SUDDENLY THE PHONE RINGS AND MY OLD PAL DAVE SEZ EDWINA, YOU'D BETTER GET OUTSIDE REAL FAST. TWO OF YOUR SONS AND TWO SKINHEADED GUYS ARE HEADED YOUR WAY AND IT LOOKS BAD. FUCKING A! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE SIGHT OF ZORBA, BLAKE, JARED AND JEREMY FOUR ABREAST STOMPING AROUND THE CORNER. I HEAD THEM OFF...TRY TO ANYWAY, YELLING THE GUY THEY WANT ISN'T HOME. BUT, THE ROOMMATE WAS AND I WANTED A MESSAGE DELIVERED LOUD AND CLEAR THAT I WAS MADDER THAN HELL AND WOULD TAKE NO MORE. OH BOY WAS IT DELIVERED. THIS POOR GUY WAS POOPING HIS PANTS. THE GOON SQUAD LEFT AND I STAYED AND WENT ON AND ON TO THE ROOMMATE, DRIVING IT HOME IN CASE THE FIRST SQUAD WASN'T ENOUGH. I TOLD HIM ALL I HAD TO FIGHT WITH WAS MY MOUTH AND I'D TAKE ANYONE ON AND IF HE THOUGHT THOSE GUYS WERE SCARY, HE SHOULD SEE THE OTHER GUYS THAT ARE A PHONE CALL AWAY. THEN I TOLD HIM THE WHOLE THING WAS EVIL IN INTENT. IT WAS DONE PURPOSELY TO FUCK WITH AN OLD LADY DOWNSTAIRS WHO JUST HAD SURGERY. HAHAHAHA. TOO BAD FOR HIM I DON'T LIVE UP TO THAT IMAGE. I ALSO SAID I FOUGHT SUCH EVIL WITH THE PUSHED ENVELOPE OF GOOD AND THERE AIN'T NUTHIN STRONGER. NO ONE WAS HURT. NO COPS WERE CALLED. NO LANDLADY WAS INVOLVED. OH, DAVE OFFERED TO GET ME A GUN. I TOLD THE ROOMMATE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I WAS GOING NEAR A GUN AND WHAT'S MORE, I COULD ALREADY FEEL IT IN MY HAND. I WALKED OFF MUMBLING ABOUT IT BEING A SAD DAY WHEN ONE HAS TO ARM HERSELF TO LIVE IN PEACE. THERE! THANKS FOR LISTENING. I HAVE NEW FOUND AND RESTORED FAITH IN MY SELF. THE OLD WARRIOR GOT BETTER, SHE DIDN'T SLOWLY DIE AWAY. EEEHAW, GET OUT OF MY WAY. DON'T FUCK WITH ME IS WHAT WILL BE ETCHED ON MY URN. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 03/22/95 AT 15:47:49 Comments : WOW!=1 OH MY GOD!=2 PROMOTE ME=9999 Message # 615. Date: 03/22/95. Time: 13:01:25. Read 65 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : ALL Subj : MORE ABOUT THE WAR AND THE ULTIMATE VICTORY PERMIFIED STILL CAPS TIME. BOY, HAS THIS SAGA TAKEN ON SOME STRANGE TWISTS AND TURNS. I CALLED THE BEACHCOMBER BAR AND ASKED ABOUT HIM AND WAS TOLD HE'D BEEN KICKED OUT 6 TIMES ALREADY AND HAD PISSED EVERYONE OFF. HE'S LIVED HERE ONE WEEK. SO, I TELL MY PAL JIMBO TO LET ME KNOW WHEN THE FOOL SHOWS UP AGAIN AND I'LL WALTZ AROUND THE CORNER AND LET IT BE KNOWN THIS IS MY BAR AND MY PALS. COOL, JIMBO SEZ. THEN I'M STILL SEETHING AND FEELING THAT GUN I WAS GOING TO GET IN MY HAND. O SUCH POWER! THEN THE PHONE RINGS, JUST AS I'M THINKING THIS ASSHOLE WILL PROBABLY CALL THE LANDLADY TO COVER HIS TRACKS AND HAHA I DIDN'T CALL HER. WELL, IT WAS THE LANDLADY ON THE MESSAGE BOX, THREATENING TO EVICT ME AND FILE A LAW SUIT OVER THE 5 GOONS I HAD INVADE HIS HOUSE AND THREATEN HIM WITH BASEBALL BATS. OH BOY. I CALLED SHIRLEY AND SHOUTED AND SOBBED MY SIDE AND THEN TOLD HER TO CALL THE BAR FOR VERIFICATION. SHE, AN EX-BATTERED WIFE OF AN ALCOHOLIC DID JUST THAT AND BOY OH BOY, IT WASN'T LOOKING GOOD FOR THE GUY UPSTAIRS. THEN SHE HAD CALL WAITING COME ON AND I TOLD HER IT WAS SHAWN AND YEP, IT WAS AND SHE SAID HE WAS BACKPEDDLING AND EATING A LITTLE CROW. HO HO HO. HE WAS SCARED TO COME HOME AND HIS ROOMMATE IS MOVING OUT. I TOLD SHIRLEY I WANTED TO TALK TO HIM ON SOBER GROUND. THEN MY CALL WAITING FLIPS OUT AND I KNOW IT'S HIM AND I ANSWER AND SAY, HI, SHAWN, HOW'S IT GOING? OH, IT WAS PATHETIC. HE KNEW HE FUCKED UP. HE WAS SO SORRY AND HE'S BOOHOO SCARED TO COME HOME. I TOLD HIM I CALLED OFF THE GOONS AND LIFE WOULD BE SWEET TO HIM IF HE WAS NICE TO ME. I TOLD HIM HE'D EVEN PISSED OFF EVERYONE IN THE DIVE AROUND THE CORNER. HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT, HE GASPS AND I TELL HIM I KNOW EVERYONE AND I'LL CALL OFF THE WOLVES AND WILL LET HIM LIVE IN PEACE IF HE DOES THE SAME FOR ME. NOW WE'RE PALS AND I'M WRITING A SONG CALLED WAKE UP CALL AND HE CAN HARDLY WAIT TO HEAR IT. OH SHIT, LIFE IS SO WEIRD. ANYONE WANT TO CHALLENGE ME TO A PISSING CONTEST? HEHEHEHE. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 03/22/95 AT 16:01:30 Message # 617. Date: 03/22/95. Time: 20:28:35. Read 65 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : All/The Hanged Man/Mikester/Jehan/Unka Buck/ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : Ahem... RECEIVED PERMIFIED Apologies for that last. Something's come over me. I have CHANGED. Even in looks. Woooo. For the first time in my life I'm holding my head high and proud. I bow to no one. I kiss no ass. I'm almost scared I'm such a formidable foe. I wouldn't won't to go too many rounds with my self. I already did and look what happened. I am what I am. My Rising Sign rose last night. ARIES, of course. That's what I was drawing on. All of Mars was here. He's getting a little wide in the ass, but he's still lovable to me. In fact, I've got a martian dragon nibbling my big toe right now and I don't even care. So what? I have the universe in these four walls I call a tomb. No wonder the world is so messed up. CLEAN YOUR ROOM TOMORROW AND DONT FORGET TO GET YOUR STITCHES OUT AND THE CRUCIAL BLOOD TEST I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE. OK OK, LEAVE ME ALONE. THIS IS MY TIME. I must drop the caps. They take too much energy and we must conserve all we can. This is a message I picked up from some Pleidians I met while ether cruising. They say we're becoming WAY to reliant on electricity. It is the time to go wireless. There can never be a global power outtage. But, all this doom and gloom. I believe in magic and I like peace and fun and cheap little thrills and I don't believe the world is going to self-destruct. They won't let us. Hahaha, I get to have a happy ending, after all I've been through. I can't perform like this every day. I'm sure I picked up another oscar in some alternative universes. Now all I want is a day of peace and doing whatever I want and see my grandkids and have an adventure. And play my guitar and sing and be inspired. I want to heal and help. I'll die trying. yeah, Unka Buck and Necker, I can hear you both mumble "she's trying all right", but ya love me anyway, right. I love you and even that asshole upstairs. you too, st. peter. AO MOVED FROM "THE COURTROOM" BY HACK MAN ON 03/23/95 AT 09:21:18 Message # 619. Date: 03/27/95. Time: 09:26:05. Read 75 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Commentary PERMIFIED Comments : BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=1 EAT ME=1 DRINK ME=1 REPLY TO ME=1 NO, REALLY=2 READ ME, GET REALLY MAD, LOG OFF, DON'T CALL BACK FOR A WHILE, CALL AGAIN, POST POEM ABOUT IT=7 SET FIRE TO ME=1 DOESN'T REALLY EXIST=23 JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, ANYWAY=1 UM, I DIDN'T HAVE A COMMENT AFTER ALL=2 DOINK=1 WHAT DOES DOINK MEAN=55 BOY, THERE'S TOO MANY COMMENTS TO CHOOSE FROM- =1 THAT'S MIGHTY FUNNY=1 WHO THE HELL COMMENTED "ZZZZZZZZZ"=8 SAY, ARE THOSE BUGLE BOY JEANS?=1 I FEEL SOMEWHAT ILL=1 WHO LET THIS GUY IN=2 DON'T YOU OWE ME MONEY=5 OH NO, IT'S ANOTHER HANDLE FOR TELLURA=7 BELL CAPTAIN, PLEASE ESCORT THIS GENTLEMAN OUT=9 SHHH, HE DOESN'T GNOW YET=4 HEY, IS THIS GUY REAL OR IS IT ONE OF THE REGULARS CALLING UNDER A FAKE NAME=34 DON'T TOUCH THAT, IT'S STICKY=2 I WOULD REPLY, BUT IT'S EASIER JUST TO COMMENT=1 I WONDER HOW MUCH HARD DRIVE SPACE HACK HAS LEFT=10 I DON'T CARE IF THIS IS THE BOG, BOG HIM AGAIN=5 WHO BOGARTED MY STASH=2 THE POST WAS TOO LONG AND HAD TOO MANY BIG WORDS SO I DIDN'T FINISH READING IT=1 NO COMMENT=9000 MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium" BY Stranger ON 03/27/95 AT 12:17:13 Comments : ZZZZZZZ=1 Message # 620. Date: 03/27/95. Time: 15:18:57. Read 74 Times. From : Number Two To : KEn Subj : Again RECEIVED PERMIFIED I will not be pushed stamped filed indexed briefed debriefed or numbered. My life is my own MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium" BY HACK MAN ON 03/28/95 AT 08:54:20 Comments : PROMOTE ME=2 #620. Message # 621. Date: 08/05/94. Time: 23:12:15. Read 79 Times. From : jackie ho To : Mikester Subj : Size does matter RECEIVED PERMIFIED i was always told that it was not the size of your moniter, but what you view with it jackie ho MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus" BY Longshot ON 03/29/95 AT 11:19:11 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 622. Date: 03/31/95. Time: 20:49:27. Read 74 Times. From : Jehan To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : Mirror RECEIVED All my subjects are definitely off. Or a few weeks past their pull dates, anyway. However, the direct objects are still fresh. And the indirect objects are hard to find. All nominative clauses are currently located at the north pole predicating their little...uhs...out. Just be careful not to believe a single thing the adverbs say. You know how the ad biz goes. MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY" BY Unka Buck ON 04/02/95 AT 13:13:47 Comments : HAHAHA=18 Message # 623. Date: 04/01/95. Time: 17:40:13. Read 80 Times. From : Raevan To : Stranger Subj : skyfalling RECEIVED PERMIFIED * sigh * Oh well. This was almost worth talking about. Too bad. This seems a good time to note (not that I'm pointing figures) (and that is NOT sarcasm) (shit. it still sounds like sarcasm. it's not. really) that although everyone feels free to talk about morals and ethics and other such stuff, it seems kinda sad that no one is really willing to believe that anyone lives by them. Whether you believe it or not, some people really are good people. I wish, sometimes (although I've been told that this is REALLY egotistical) that everyone could see the world the way I see it. At least for a second. There are A LOT of good things out there. Just a thought. Ahh. fuck it... As Always, Until the Next, Me. Raevan MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 04/03/95 AT 23:28:48 Comments : BRAVO!=1 GIVE ME A BREAK!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 624. Date: 04/02/95. Time: 15:50:00. Read 75 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : ALL Subj : COLOR BLINDNESS 0Ìü`Yiàü USER LOGGED OFF MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 04/03/95 AT 23:37:43 Message # 625. Date: 04/02/95. Time: 23:59:09. Read 71 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : Dink, Doink, Bink, Bonk, Fizz, SQuish, Is. RECEIVED PERMIFIED I'm workin' on it. I've applied for the National Association of National Associations scholarship, as well as the Layman's Union scholarship for a term, and I'm planning on trying for a grant from the Obfuscates... Four full years of pure obfuscation. úfPú MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 04/04/95 AT 00:00:16 Message # 626. Date: 04/03/95. Time: 17:32:47. Read 77 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Mikester Subj : skyfalling RECEIVED PERMIFIED New, from K-Tel, it's the amazing new CHIA FACE! Yes, this remarkable facial foliant system will put an end to the embarrasment of looking like you're sixteen for the rest of your life. Just smaer the paste on your chin, neck jaw and jowls (and any other bodily part you feel may be insufficiently furred), soak it in warm water, and in just a few short days, you too will have the beard that is so "in" this year! The K-Tel Chia Face comes with seeds, fertilizer, and the names of twenty professional non-english-speaking gardeners. Comes in several varieties, including The Necromancer, Number Two, ZZ Top, Sammy Hagar, and many more! Order today, and we'll throw in two Don Johnson packs at no extra charge. Just send all the money stuck between your cusions to: One-A-Minute Enterprises K-Tel Chia Face PO Box 3.14 Tijuana, Mexico. No Trade in? No problem! No Checking account? No problem! No credit? No problem! No money? PROBLEM! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 04/04/95 AT 00:14:53 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 627. Date: 04/04/95. Time: 20:16:20. Read 79 Times. From : Mikester To : The Necromancer Subj : Dink, Doink, Bink, Bonk, Fizz, SQuish, Is. RECEIVED PERMIFIED The devirginizing power of my upholstery is legendary. Lay your hands upon it (the upholstery, dummy!) and feel the warmth. It has the power to restore viginity as well, and also has the power to take you to Virginia, and can recite poetry by Virgil, and could take you to the Virgin Islands, but not without getting you a little wet, which, I suppose, also applies to its first and most important power, but let's not dwell on that, for this is a good clean family board, at least when Raeven isn't talking about having intercourse with his writing skills or when someone isn't talking about Stranger's boating accident or when I go on and on about my upholstery, or when Necromancer refers to masturbation and my mother in the same post (I'll be seeking mental help after than post, thank you), or when KEn is talking about...well, anything, basically :), or when we all get together at a party and start talking about long arm inspections and vasectomies gone terribly wrong, or any other sort of distasteful discussion, the glories of Green Day included. Um...that's some upholstery. --M. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 04/05/95 AT 09:16:05 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 628. Date: 03/26/95. Time: 18:50:30. Read 87 Times. From : Mikester To : Fink Ployd Subj : A Really On-Topic Post! RECEIVED PERMIFIED I'm going to guess that's really really really off-topic, because I haven't the foggiest idea who or what that is, though sure-shootin' you're going to reply, "Look, Mikester, "Edie Gormet is..." and then you'll tell me and I'll just slap my big ol' meaty hand against my rapidly growing forehead and exclaim, "Well, jumpin' Judas on a pogo stick, I sure do gnow who that is," and I'll become the laughing stock of the Retreat, and the next time I come over to one of the Friday night gatherings at the aforementioned Retreat I'll be the center of much laughing and pointing, uh, that is, more so than I usually I am, and I'll be so lost and dejected that I'll leave the aforementioned-twice Retreat with tears in my eyes and silverware in my jacket and make my way out to my truck only to double back and go back inside the aforementioned-thrice Retreat to reclaim my pull-out truck stereo and then go out to my truck again and hop onto my ill-used upholstery and gun the engine and in my absolute despair will accidentally turn left instead of right once I reach Pleasant Valley Road and I'll drive right through the gate of the navy base and I'll be gunned down in a blaze of bullets and stuff. But, that's okay. --M. MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 04/07/95 AT 19:23:13 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 629. Date: 04/04/95. Time: 20:21:28. Read 80 Times. From : Shay Pas To : HACK MAN Subj : STUFF RECEIVED PERMIFIED ("We secretly switched Hack's generic dilithium crystals with Folger's... let's see if he'll make the shot...") MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives" BY Mikester ON 04/08/95 AT 09:03:55 Comments : HAHAHA=34 PROMOTE ME=35 Message # 630. Date: 04/06/95. Time: 22:22:26. Read 80 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : abrubt log-offs and other such rude behavior RECEIVED PERMIFIED Dillusion is the grandest illusion. Live with it. And come to grips. úfPú MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 04/10/95 AT 08:02:09 #630. Message # 631. Date: 04/09/95. Time: 10:39:43. Read 85 Times. From : Mikester To : Hackintosh Subj : Doink! PERMIFIED I've called a THOUSAND times? Wow, now if only I'd spent that time doing something productive, like shaving cats or painting my sink or burning all my college term papers or tying Number Two's beard to his toes or calling my congressman or travelling back in time to see Robin Williams when he was funny or going across the street and punching out that neighbor of mine who insists on leaning on his car horn as soon as he pulls into his driveway in order to get someone to come out and open the garage door for him (which he always does at about 10:30 at night) or working on Lookit! or finally getting those hair implants or taking a romantic cruise to the Bahamas with that special someone (my girlfriend or Phoebe Cates, I can't decide) or creating world peace or getting really really rich by blackmailing really famous people or catching up on my videotapes of "Greatest American Hero" or going to the movies and seeing "Tank Girl" so I could mock it openly or getting my nails done or practice for my role in "Oh, Calcutta" or finish eating my banana which is sitting here on my desk next to me... ...or going to work, which I have to do now. Bye bye! --M. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 04/10/95 AT 08:56:33 Comments : BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=29 Message # 632. Date: 04/20/95. Time: 06:45:13. Read 67 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Ó`nG,¯i1±2÷ÈVÅõdU ,W*¾½-pÑ­uI¹ëçE;S|²U{G%qx6qÕÚDèDCI<3¶ÖÝÂæ±B°¬hrè¬FÀ0jU3aòÆãÖmÔ Subj : ­ÙÚc>CáäF[\Ym&ZYu_XLUVXWÃI!lâU³²®=ÉSëÀoßä:RÈÕnõ`:]æ;^®ûþ^Õ3ýGõ©w,J×ÄÜì)5éÒ,YAo¯Û PERMIFIED céã ñ!pK¹¿0=å´?´;âÌ« ²eli¸®Ì=úZ¯2ëaÇU@T4¸CççcA´O³:Gù±uëºoô"æ63ö®édbØ {¶_YibìcB·Øµ]ç÷(àL4ßdüèÞÞV_Ñ?(÷¼ÉSq`ævQÏqÆûiÑG>_Ö²ÝuïzyàÌUvVT\dWÜ.Y.âOzASL.»·äXßMb- Ð_½: USER LOGGED OFF MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 04/20/95 AT 10:29:50 Message # 633. Date: 04/22/95. Time: Anytime. Read 71 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : Beatificator Subj : dis one da night PERMIFIED Tasting Testing Laying paperweight smiles Just under your navel, Hopping from Head to head, and Bed to bed Like turbulence (ruffling feathers, oily and squawking), Her grip Making you surrender To the little submissions, A "Plan" showing through the eyes, or Pursed on the lips Promising to burst Any second now, But instead becming The smile of a Mongol, Mad and in Love With the Attack. 'Cito Baby 22apr95 MOVED FROM "Jehan's Toy Box" BY Jehan ON 04/22/95 AT 23:13:45 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 634. Date: 04/28/95. Time: 07:57:10. Read 64 Times. From : Jehan To : Mikester Subj : whew RECEIVED PERMIFIED But...that's how everybody describes the Retreat...they call, get a lot of noise...get thrown around, bounced off the walls, and off the boards...can't figure out what's going on (at least for the first year)...and refuse to call again. Except the few, the hearty, the quick-witted and thick-skinned, as well as those just out to get a life in general, THEY call back and just keep calling and calling and calling.... Some people just gotta learn the hard way. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 04/28/95 AT 13:55:10 Comments : WAY!=1 PROMOTE ME=23 Message # 635. Date: 09/18/93. Time: 11:08:41. Read 79 Times. From : Mojo IV To : HACK MAN Subj : ? RECEIVED BOOM! MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus" BY Mojo IV ON 04/28/95 AT 20:38:48 Message # 636. Date: 04/30/95. Time: 17:53:27. Read 84 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : no one in particular Subj : another bored-again blah of an evening PERMIFIED quiet angst and dulled emotions seeking potions and pals belly-up to the bar getting no response from falco in need of grog and a frog prince and the joint is empty i roll my eyes and the jukebox plays music I hate i kick it square in the lotus do the splits and go bananas I decide to mark my turf and then with a squeal surf the puddles and swirling eddys of my own midstream staying true to my planet of rule urananus my ass once the class clown always the joker on deck on deck I'm a shipwreck the fucking lala Janelle i sunk for your sins i the in-titty in the oshun ain't no beast just a breast and i do the stroke as i smoke my stack of sliver dollars and light whisper-thin sticks of black incense inhaling neroli as i sink sometimes i look in your eyes and see your soul ah el jukebox now speaks to me James plays and soothes the savage rubs my ravaged edges the right way i purr as the whir of my own wheels turns me on my back and with great, grand strokes of luck i suck hard and breathe deep as i fathom the secrets of the spheres my ears antennae scanning the dials I'm all smiles as i pick up a phantom kiss him once for luck and spin him on his way the day has not betrayed me i can leave the safety and solace of the tavern now... i leave the sleeping falco a hot tip on a big race in the eighth heat i'm beat ao MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 05/02/95 AT 09:40:30 Comments : WAY!=1 PROMOTE ME=34 Message # 637. Date: 05/01/95. Time: 23:29:42. Read 72 Times. From : Number Two To : niente Subj : STUFF RECEIVED PERMIFIED Actually, my beard is my master. It enslaves my will and makes me do as it wishes. When it is done with me it will detach itself from my decaying husk and search out a new host. Pray you are not it's next victim. Your Pal 2 MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 05/02/95 AT 10:11:31 Message # 638. Date: 04/20/95. Time: 17:52:06. Read 96 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Grazz't Subj : Humph... RECEIVED Unfortunately, that's true, by and large. Any man who's been paying attention in the last twenty or twenty-five years gnows that the cream of the feminine crop goes to either the rich guy or, far more often, the drunken, abusive, tomcatting brawler. I, too, have made the mistake all my life of actually believing it when women say "I just want a guy with a sense of humour. An intelligent man, who will listen when I talk, and won't come home drunk or sleep around on me". Unfortunately, there's a single-word description for guys like that: NERDS. Of course, these women would never date a nerd, so they end up with the abusive junkie, and sit around the trailer wondering "Why can't I meet any nice guys?" A few years ago, when I lived up north, I saw where there was a very successful seminar in San Fransisco where they taught nice guys to act like macho jerks. The graduates claimed their success at finding women increased at least fourfold when they acted like jerks. The women couldn't keep their hands off these guys. One final note: The worst thing a man can hear, is for a woman he desires to call him "Sweet". "Sweet" is womanese for "I'm going to let you take me out sometimes, and let you help me move, and hook up my stereo, and I'll always turn to you for a shoulder to cry on when that guy you told me was a no good jerk turns out to be a no good jerk, but I'll practically whore myself for the next beer-sodden redneck that comes along, despite your warnings, and you ain't NEVER gonna see me naked." Lotta definition for such a seemingly simple word, huh? MOVED FROM "Love" BY Tellura ON 05/04/95 AT 07:12:07 Comments : WAY!=1 BRAVO!=1 BLAH=1 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 639. Date: 05/04/95. Time: 03:59:59. Read 66 Times. From : SHADE To : niente Subj : liz phair and candle waxy dreamscapes RECEIVED PERMIFIED i thought the surrealist looked at the glass, and saw three huge eyes with dilated pupils reflecting the nightscape of the penultimate loss of sanity with a cherry on top. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 05/04/95 AT 15:50:00 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 640. Date: 05/05/95. Time: 20:57:56. Read 63 Times. From : Dr. Van Van Mojo IV To : All Subj : Hmmmm... PERMIFIED That's all I've got to tell you ------------------------------- author: Unknown From: The Last Unicorn ------------------------------- I've had time to write a book about The way you act and look I haven't got a paragraph Words are always getting in the way Anyway, I love you That's all I've got to tell you That's all I've got to say And now, I'd like to make a speech about The love that touches me If only I could make you laugh I feel as though my soul has turned to clay Anyway, I love you That's all I've got to tell you That's all I've got to say I'm not a man Of poetry Music... it runs from me it runs from me And I tried to write a symphony But I lost the melody If only I could find it I feel as though my soul were made of clay Anyway, I love you That's all I've got to tell you That's all I've got to say MOVED FROM "Love" BY Tellura ON 05/05/95 AT 21:52:00 #640. Message # 641. Date: 05/06/95. Time: 12:18:58. Read 65 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Heartfrost Subj : okay that's it!! RECEIVED Well, I'll admit that Ann Otherworld is cool... MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus" BY Dr. Van Van Mojo IV ON 05/06/95 AT 16:12:24 Message # 643. Date: 05/06/95. Time: 21:16:55. Read 78 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Mikester Subj : Hey RECEIVED Yeah, but who did they pick up? And in case anyone is wondering why Fink's family is still recovering, I guess I'll have to tell the story just to stop the wild rumors that are circulating that I am really a cyberbeing named Venusia who is the product of an abuction and her mother's lust for alien sex. That has nothing to do with the fact that I was abducted during Fink's party after being caught and trapped in the beam of the what the others thought to be a searchlight. It was much different than the other times when they just hovered in squat position and sucked me up. This time it was in slow motion as I moved up the long slanted incline. Rather devine, it was. For a split second I lost touch with even my altered reality and thought I was a hit of acid being taken by the spirit of Albert Hoffman. It was a reunion of sorts when I boarded the ship. A lot of the Slates (that's what they told me to call them and I blew their minds when I laughed and said, that's an anagram of Tesla's as is E.T. Lass, were there and judging from the length of their smiles, they were very glad to see me. Nothing major happened until one of the younger Slates went a little apeshit and wound up tearing my clothes. I was a little frightened, but he was zapped into the great white void and the rest of the time aboard was quite fun. No one will believe we talk music, which is what lures them to our planet. They can't get enough of our music and their tastes run to the truly bizzare and they can't get enough of the old Nardcore stuff. I finally told them, hey guys (they love it when I call them guys, because they are sexless and it sounds so earthian) I've gotta get back to the party and I got to ride the beam...a long stretched-out limo slide back to the sand in front of Fink's. All would have been well, but I reentered not 6 inches from where Fink's day was taking a whizz in the sand. Needless to say what else I scared out of him, poor guy. He began screaming really loud, loud enough to be heard over the blare of the really loud music. I kept trying to calm him down, but my clothes were all torn and one breast was exposed and it had two strange little gashes at the top of it that were oozing tiny droplets of blood. I suddenly hear what he's screaming and I start screaming, no, no, I wasn't raped on the beach...I was abducted by Aliens and one of the younger set went a little whacko and tried for a piece of something foreign, fer cryin out loud. By this time Fink's mom and stepdad have reached us and the sight of his dad with his pants around his ankles and me in my tattered clothes and exposed boob caused them to think HE'D try to attack me and they in turn started wailing and flailing on him, screaming have you gone completely bonkers??? And I'm flipping out like I've never flipped out before. The next thing you know, the entire party is standing around us with their jaws dropped to their ankles. It's total, complete chaos. Finally, Mikester appeared and shouted and shouted for silence. He yelled that he'd been on the roof trying to attract UFO's and he witnessed my abduction and then absolved Fink's dad from trying to attack me. Everyone felt very stupid at that point for jumping off Mt. Conclusion and I felt so fucking embarrassed to have a lot of my friends, Fink's parents and a ton of strangers see me standing their with one damn boob exosed and half my ass jutting out of the ripped seat of my pants. Now you know why Fink's family is still recovering and why I rarely leave my room. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY Lady K ON 05/07/95 AT 20:32:42 Comments : WOW!=1 OH MY GOD!=11 PROMOTE ME=62 Message # 644. Date: 05/09/95. Time: 00:58:38. Read 59 Times. From : Ghost To : Nuna Bov Subj : PERMIFIED the singer promised wings would set me free and I was hungry for the feast of air to fill my stretch so I jumped the precipice unpinioned and fell gracelessly without even Icarus' scars to show my reach so now broken winged I feather my dreams to fly new hope and find myself in air recast flung up and edge over I hover my joy and never look at safety one feather's width behind but only ever reaching I touch the oceanwind and balance it beneath me Ghost. 5/8/95 MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Shay Pas ON 05/09/95 AT 19:56:24 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 645. Date: 05/09/95. Time: 18:08:02. Read 64 Times. From : Number Two To : Feelers Subj : Creep PERMIFIED Da creep es maken me brain go thumpity and me red-faceness to bloom. Stinky cigarette hands o'er me sightballs, maken 'em stinky too. I cun e'en still smell 'em. Put me in a Kung-Fu grip her tried, failed. Da sack o puppy surprise was all o'er da girls too; pawing and adden negative charm to d'ere lives. I lookeed out da window and spied da ass all o'er Fingers. Now Fingers is a cutie, a sweetie, and cun draw bad-ass, and I dinna like seein her getting the special on creeps dis evenin'. I wanna thump dat pecker sometimes. Make da saggy bag-brain he's got realize dat he aint cuttin' da mustard 'round here. Of course, I wont, and I already knew it too. MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium" BY Stranger ON 05/10/95 AT 10:48:58 Comments : HAHAHA=1 OBFUSCATED=1 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 646. Date: 05/11/95. Time: 14:54:39. Read 67 Times. From : Dr. Van Van Mojo IV To : all Subj : drums... PERMIFIED deep within somewhere the call of ancient drums is heard By things forgotten bred out of what I am and what i can become Born of emotions forced out into darkness and styxx Does it matter? Is it worth remembering? I feel the drumming course through tendon and bone I feel it burst through shield and armor into the soul within As if laying siege a fortress And marching into the hidden antechambers of the King within And bringing him to life again What have I become? Out of the Darkness and into the twilight of life, walking the razor's edge and crying over what I lost but never really had MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus" BY Lady K ON 05/11/95 AT 20:09:52 Comments : BRAVO!=2 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 647. Date: 05/07/95. Time: 05:11:39. Read 81 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Number Two Subj : HA! RECEIVED PERMIFIED Well, it was a horny group of Job's Daughters and they were out on one of their silly little scavenger hunts. Their list was most strange and they were freaking because they only had one thing left to find and that was an evil red beard. One of the hornsters remembered seeing this guy one day on main street in Ventura with just what they were looking for attached to his chin, so they fanned out until they found him and let me tell you, it wasn't a pretty sight when they did. It took 23 of them to tackle and wrestle him to the ground and they had to enlist the help of a trio of homeless crackheads to hold him still long enough to tie him up. Oooh, how he fought. A most bravo performance, but, he was no match for the daughters of Job. One whipped out a can of God Shave The Queen shaving cream and annother hauled out a straight razor. His screams were deafening and primordal. Terrible, they were. But, the girls were in a frenzy and it didn't take long to shave it off, in fact it was with one fell swoosh and swish of the razor that the dreaded evil beard was now a trophy being held high and then passed around for ceremonial body rubbing. They left the poor guy tressed and trussed on the steps of The Daily Grand and they retreated to the Masonic Temple to claim first prize. And what they did there with the red beard must be left to the imagination. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 05/11/95 AT 20:51:54 Comments : WOW!=1 Message # 648. Date: 05/09/95. Time: 02:06:22. Read 77 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Caffeine Fiend Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED I need to find a way to simulate the effect of amphetamines, with no withdrawals, negative effects or financial setbacks... Call me when you figure that one out. úfPú (Oh, yeah. I'd need the effects to be infinitely-prolonged.) úfPýú MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 05/12/95 AT 10:53:12 Message # 649. Date: 05/12/95. Time: 00:37:12. Read 59 Times. From : Shay Pas To : all Subj : three dee PERMIFIED felt like you were just here. i didn't bother to look over my shoulder or disrupt my currect activity in any way. you didn't mind so all was ok. when you left you left. activity rolled ahead in fourths. the final beat left a sense of triumph. original triumph, not the practiced edge that Sapphire's lady buddy sliced with. your wave slipped over the developing game which resulted in fabulous game show prizes and left a trail. residue of memory so rare that i should retain it. so now i bottle it and put it on the teevee trey with all the other treasure junk i've been promising to use. just need to clean my room first then we will have space. but i've been planning to clean since moonday and have been needing to clean since december. i'd thought we'd never get to play space games until the ship was all mine, but in my patience i grow impatient...hope that impatience doesn't lead to demise or more frustrating that damb dogg who erases paths. poor alice. people refer to her when they don't know the answers but of course she's looking for them, too. just that she's been looking so long, she stumbles on other people's lost articles. the onlything of hers she found was a lone "a"...sad article, at least "an" gives you an idea of what to expect. (she may not give you what you expect, but.....) so i thinking if i should toss out some junk. poor junk with so much potential i was too lazy to help them. but alice may find a better more attentive owner. i did a tad of sifting (ok so stuff falls off the trey and i just pick it up and put it back...) and decided there was no use for the moldy apple juice. it wasn't a treasure in the first place but it reminds me that there is true trash in there and to be careful of organtic things...oy the afoamed taco bell sauce will always be in the top two chesire cat. it is still perfectly sealed and all. i plann to use substitues for th real things tho. so many interesting things to do with mild sauce packets when you have space. the other top chesire makes me feel a bit like an elephant but i keep it 'cause sometimes ya just wanna be an elephant. it too will have quids in space, micheal. wow i actually took a step towards preparing the space. le target is having this fabfabfabfabfabulous sale on their candle- related stuff. it's not extremely fab (just 20% off). but fab enough for me to push m'self and say: this is your chance, chick, and take a real step. i even almost went all out and got the big hunkahunka dealie-bob (love the word, ash love it love it) that is about an inch or two taller than the width of my louverly monitor. beautiful curves for legs (ha). but i settled for a just dents my wallet short yet curlycute one. i'm glad i chose this one now tho...this is appropriate for m'to-be-space and it is darndarn cute. i'm talking too real now. time to say thanks... Shay Pas MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom" BY Ghost ON 05/12/95 AT 22:18:02 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 650. Date: 05/22/95. Time: 08:49:22. Read 70 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : SIMPLE STEPS TO BEING HAPPY PERMIFIED A: WAKE UP B: DETERMINE WHAT IT IS THAT REALLY MAKES YOU HAPPY C: DETERMINE WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IN ORDER TO OBTAIN THAT WHICH MAKES YOU HAPPY. D: DO IT. E: BE HAPPY. C- - - P.S. A WHOLE LOT OF SHIT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU ON THE WAY FROM STEP A TO STEP E. YOU CAN SAFELY IGNORE IT. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 05/23/95 AT 11:21:33 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=11 #650. Message # 651. Date: 05/24/95. Time: 00:51:05. Read 67 Times. From : Ghost To : Heartfrost Subj : anything you want If you collect enough surreal boxes, you win the secret decoding ring of truth. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 05/26/95 AT 17:40:58 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=11 Message # 652. Date: 05/21/95. Time: 14:11:07. Read 73 Times. From : Mojo MCMCXV To : Tellura Subj : curious about something RECEIVED PERMIFIED Have you been to the Used Mojo Lot? They have some of the older models of Mojo there. Hell, you might be able to get one of the "classic" models.. I hear that they even have a Mojo I in stock (but it'll cost a lot I bet) I dont know if they have any of the intraveinous Mojo left though... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 05/26/95 AT 17:43:51 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 653. Date: 05/23/95. Time: 23:19:53. Read 91 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Pay attention. PERMIFIED Rachel was wearing very big pants. She had the biggest pants on campus. They were blue, and had no pockets. 1. What did Rachel have? a. big shoes b. big hair c. big pants d. big socks 2. What color was/were the item/s in question? a. red b. blue c. green d. yellow 3. What religion was Rachel? a. Wiccan b. Christian c. Muslim d. None/atheist 4. What are Rachel's career goals? a. Lab technician b. Teacher c. Congresswoman d. Jet pilot 5. What is Rachel's greatest regret? a. Not going to the prom b. Forgetting to feed her bunny Mr. Puffy for a two week period, resulting in Mr. Puffy's eventual starvation, trapped in a small wire cage c. Not getting the role of Juliet in the school production of "Romeo and Juliet" d. Having a friend pierce her eyebrow, resulting in a terrible infection 6. What does Rachel hate most about her home life? a. The long silences in her monthly phone calls with her father b. Her brother continually trying to hide from their mother the fact that he's gay c. Her mother glued to the couch in a drunken stupor watching an endless parade of afternoon talk shows d. The smothering odor of cigarettes that no amount of air freshener can mask 7. What did Rachel and her boyfriend do on their last date? a. Go to a movie neither of them wanted to see merely to keep up the illusion of having a relationship b. Dry-humped in the back of her boyfriend's parents' car c. Went to see the school football team play d. Fought with each other 8. Where will Rachel be in twenty years? a. In a small apartment, drunk on the couch, watching an endless parade of afternoon talk shows b. Married and pretending to be happy, while filled with remorse and regret on the inside c. In a pointless dead-end job, going to work six days a week, eight hours a day, over and over again until she dies d. Ohio 9. What did Rachel have that other students at her school didn't have? a. Straight As b. Big pants c. Sharp jabbing pains behind her right eye d. A large birthmark on her chin If you answered these questions correctly, you're wrong. MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium" BY Stranger ON 05/27/95 AT 13:33:17 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=15 Message # 654. Date: 05/26/95. Time: 17:58:21. Read 65 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Stranger Subj : drugs RECEIVED PERMIFIED You just did more damage to me in one message than the combined forces of my opposition have don in the entire time I've been logging on here. You are correct, of course. I have very little in the way of sensitivity or empathy. This is why I operate by logic, by seeing how the mechanics of society work, and trying to do what little I can to avoid friction in the whole. This, unfortunately, requires grinding individual parts. One of the problems with our society, as I percieve it, is that everyone wants to be the standout individual, because they think that's the only worthwhile part to play, and nobody seems to see the value of the nine-to-five, white-picket-fence workaday ordinary Joe who keeps the world turning. Our society has given us the idea that if you want something badly enough, you can get it; that true happiness can be achieved, and that we can all be totally ourselves, thoroughgoing individuals, and still get along, and then we feel confused and betrayed when none of those other individuals understand us. I engage in debate and arguement to learn other viewpoints more that to espouse my own views. It's the best way I'VE found to learn. You may not believe this, but I've listened to everything Caffiene Fiend has said, and he makes some excellent points. Lacking sensitivity or empathy, I have found that the only way to get people to let me find out what they feel is to goad them. Contrary to popular belief among the peace and flower set, people almost NEVER say what they mean except in anger or passion. Finally, I'm sorry you don't think I'm very nice. I have nothing against you (except I`m not a poetry fan), and would like to be liked by you, and by everybody, but I'm not going to lose a lot of sleep over it. I do my best to help wherever I can, and I try not to hurt anybody, and I mostly succeed, but, like the song says You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN" BY HACK MAN ON 05/28/95 AT 19:59:56 Message # 655. Date: 05/30/95. Time: 22:34:42. Read 62 Times. From : Mikester To : Kassius Subj : gays RECEIVED PERMIFIED Why worry about someone's sexual preference when there are so many REAL reasons to hate each other? :) --M. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21754" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 05/31/95 AT 03:46:18 Comments : PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 656. Date: 05/31/95. Time: 19:27:53. Read 54 Times. From : Stranger To : Kassius Subj : gays RECEIVED PERMIFIED I believe that gays should not be allowed in the military, because that provides an excellent excuse for not being drafted in the event of a war. Makes sense to me, anyways. Stranger MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21762" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 05/31/95 AT 22:10:37 Message # 657. Date: 11/25/91. Time: 15:22:01. Read 63 Times. From : Bloater Paste To : Number Two Subj : GOVERNMENT CONSPERICY RECEIVED PERMIFIED "Okay, Bloatomatic, activate everything not esential to life that you got" > MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus-#2500" BY Dr. Van Van Mojo IV ON 06/08/95 AT 19:43:34 Message # 666. Date: 06/10/95. Time: 14:42:11. Read 54 Times. From : Stranger To : All/Nun Subj : All Hail Discordia! PERMIFIED This message has nothing to do with Satan. Stranger MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium-#7628" BY Stranger ON 06/10/95 AT 14:43:16 Comments : HAHAHA=333 BRAVO!=42 Message # 667. Date: 01/14/89. Time: 01:52:36. Read 89 Times. From : THE MUSIC MAN To : HACK MAN Subj : Burst RECEIVED PERMIFIED BULLSHIT!!! Total bullshit! YOU like a WIDE range of music!!???!!?!??!?????? bullshit! You don't like ANYTHING! You claim to have a wide range of tastes, but you refuse to listen to metal! You can't even stand to listen to a spanish station for more than 10 seconds! You only like the popular stuff (and sting, and INXS, and sting, and the police, and sting, and yello, and sting!!)!! Sure, you claim to like classical music, but you don't know beethoven from vivaldi! Let's see how long you can sit through a Gregorian chant without getting uptight! (by the way, any TRUE metaler who listens to good metal likes the classics as well! A lot of metal is just classical music played with an Electric guitar instead of a violin, and a little blues thrown in) How about country, do you like country? Or soul? How about rhythm n' blues? How often do you listen to jazz? You don't even like twit music!!!! Are you a lover of folk music too?? How about Asian music? Do you like opera? How about medieval, renaissance, or baroque? (or do you call it all "classical"?) I take it that you also appreciate punk music as well? Do you like New Age? And for all these do you like all the styles that have developed and evolved through time? (bullshit!) -TMM MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL-#386" BY Fink Ployd ON 06/11/95 AT 23:41:56 Comments : BOG ME=11 Message # 668. Date: 01/30/89. Time: 22:03:04. Read 63 Times. From : THE MUSIC MAN To : ALL USERS Subj : What IS music? PERMIFIED After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music. Music is indivisible! The dualism of feeling and thinking must be resolved to a state of unity in which one thinks with the heart and feels with the brain. Music is a means of giving form to our inner feelings without attaching them to events or objects in the world. The entire pleasure of music consists in creating illusions, and common sense is the greatest enemy of music appreciation. What gives music it's universal appeal is the fact that it is at the same time the most subtle and intangible and the most primitive of all arts...it can make a dog howl and silence a crying baby. The trouble with music appreciation in general is that people are taught to have too much respect for music; they should be taught to love it instead. Too many people are trying to justify the precision with which organized musical sound is produced rather than the energy with which it is manipulated. By concentrating on precision, one arrives at technique; but by concentrating on technique, one does nt arrive at precision. Melody is the golden thread running through the maze of tones by which the ear is guided and the heart is reached. People can compose for many reasons: to become immortal, because the piano happens to be open; because they want to become millionaires; because of the praise of friends; because they have looked into a pair of beautiful eyes; for no reason whatsoever. Every composer knows the anguish and dispair occasioned by forgetting ideas which one has no time to write down. The public today must pay it's debt to the great composers of the past by supporting the living creators of the present. All human activity must pass through it's period of rise, ripeness, and decline, and music has been, to an extent, fortunate in that it is the last of the great arts to suffer this general expense. You cannot have critics with standards; you can only have music with standards which critics observe. Time is to the musician what space is to the painter. Psychologists have found that music does thing whether you like it or not. Fast tempos invariably raise your pulse, respiration, and blood pressure; slow music lowers them. Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast, soften rock, or bend a knotted oak. Good musicians execute their music, but bad ones murder it. Some musicians take pains with music, others give them. We can look away from pictures but we can't listen away from sounds. It is not necessary to understand music; it is only necessary to enjoy it. Of all the arts, music is practiced the most. Music is a kind of counting preformed by the mind without knowing that it is counting. The hardest thing in the world is to start an orchestra, and the next hardest, to stop it. There should be music in every house--except the one next door. The more you love music, the more music you love. Hug a musician, they never get to dance.... MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL-#501" BY Fink Ployd ON 06/11/95 AT 23:43:46 Comments : WHO CARES=1 ZZZZZZZ=11 Message # 669. Date: 07/09/91. Time: 12:56:19. Read 66 Times. From : Gaviscon Aviscenna To : HACK MAN Subj : Modern Music RECEIVED PERMIFIED A guy could go crazy trying to figure out all the statistics. Sure, I love statistics, but this could go too far... Let's see what we've concluded: 1) The total attendance for all classical concerts combined is higher than the total attendance for all sporting events combined. 2) There are more people who have never seen a classical concert than there are people who have never seen a sporting event. 3) There are probably less people who have seen both than there are people who have seen either one or neither of them. 4) Most people would be able to identify classical music without a lyrics sheet. 5) If you consider The National Anthem as classical piece, then many of these statistics could fall apart at any moment. 6) Making a dripping-faucet sound by flicking your cheek with your finger just after a classical piece is finished and just before the applause is NOT a good idea. 7) More than one third of the people who attend classical concerts are white, jewish, female, and over 40. (According to my friend who works phones at the ticket center... I think he may be exaggerating...) 8) Football teams show greater skill when "Flight of the Bumblebees" is played over the intercom. 9) Football teams show slight nausea when "Dance of the Sugar Plum Faries" is played over the intercom. 10) "The Nutcracker" is a title found both in classical music and in football playbooks. 11) 73% of these statistics are total bunk. !!! GAVISCON !!! -=@ Margin Master @=- MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL-#1438" BY Fink Ployd ON 06/11/95 AT 23:44:55 Comments : OBFUSCATED=101 Message # 670. Date: 10/10/91. Time: 22:05:36. Read 65 Times. From : Number Two To : Blurr Subj : Good Band PERMIFIED If you haven't already, listen to a bandcalled Nirvana. I really like some of there stuff. I am not sure where you can get it, but if you are interested I can get a copy. Be Seeing You?? MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL-#1624" BY Fink Ployd ON 06/11/95 AT 23:45:27 #670. Message # 671. Date: 06/12/95. Time: 23:31:08. Read 75 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : From a discussion at work PERMIFIED "If it has kids on the cover, it's an alternative band. If it has old people on the cover, it's a metal band." --M. MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL-#12979" BY HACK MAN ON 06/14/95 AT 08:22:36 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 672. Date: 06/10/95. Time: 17:00:10. Read 93 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : Back to the game.... PERMIFIED The BOg of Eternal Stench An interactive text adventure (c) 1985 by ><-ilecom. (Restoring saved position.) (Okay.) BOg SHORE You are standing on the south end of the shore of the BOg. The waves of the BOg crash against the shoreline to your west. To the east is a giant patch of BOg mushrooms. To the north you see what appears to be a door. To the south is an impossibly high cliff face. "Boy, am I wasted." This is a very large patch of purplish-yellow BOg mushrooms. BOg mushrooms are the favorite food of BOg penguins. As you bend down to pick some mushrooms, you notice the sign in the middle of the patch that reads "Do Not Pick The BOg Mushrooms." You are carrying a pencil a Diet Coke a videocassette the brain of a lemur Isaac Asimov The videocassette's label is marked "Two Minutes in The Future." You walk north. DOOR ON THE SHORE. Your path is blocked by what appears to be a door. It is a large white door, with a brass doorgnob, but the door does not appear to be attached to anything. To your west is the BOg, and to your east is a patch of BOg mushrooms. The shore continues to the south. You see the back of a closed door. It's locked. (on the door) No one answers the door. Suddenly, from the east you hear that most horrible sound that can only be produced by a flock of ravenous BOg penguins. You gnow that BOg penguins prefer BOg mushrooms, but you also gnow that in their feeding frenzy, BOg penguins will eat just about anything that just happens to be near a BOg mushroom patch. What this basically tells you is, you'd darn well better get out of there! You try to swim out into the BOg, but the waves are too strong. Besides, you would rather face BOg penguins than the BOgLOrd and his evil beard. The BOg penguins sound like they're getting closer. (on the door) No one answers the door. The BOg penguins sound like they're getting closer. (on the door) The door swings open, and a voice calls from inside, "C'mon in!" The BOg penguins sound like they're getting closer. You pass through the giant white door, and you suddenly feel disoriented. OTHERWORLD You are in...well, you're not sure really. The sky is a deep rich blue, with no clouds in sight. The grass is green. Very green. The grass continues in all directions, but to your north you see a small yellow house. Outside the house is a woman with red hair gesturing for you to come closer. OUTSIDE THE YELLOW HOUSE You approach the yellow house. The woman gives you a large smile, and says "Welcome to Otherworld! Come into my house if you'd like!" She walks into her house to the north. Green grass stretches out in every other direction. INSIDE THE HOUSE There is only one room in the house. There is a bed against the west wall. Against the north wall is a television with a videocassette recorder attached. Against the east wall is a desk. Upon the desk is a computer attached to a modem. Sitting at the desk, using the computer, is the red- haired woman. It's not a Macintosh, but you decide not to hold that against the red-haired woman. "Oh, I'm just calling the Retreat BBS. I'll be with you in a while." "Hey!" shouts the red-haired woman. "I barely gnow you!" Done. Neither the television nor the videocassette recorder are on. Television: Done Videocassette recorder: Done The playback from the videocassette begins to appear on the television screen. You see what appears to be you, standing inside the yellow house, like you are now. Then, suddenly, BOg penguins rush into the frame and begin to ravage your body mercilessly. The video playback ends, and the videocassette recorder turns itself off. On the television screen is static. Done. "It's a television." Done. You see messages arguing about the legality of tapping cable lines. You see messages that are evenly margined. You see messages that contain a flashing "DOINK!" Suddenly, BOg penguins rush into the house and begin to ravage your body mercilessly. Though small, the BOg penguins overwhelm you with their great numbers, and slash at you with their razor-sharp beaks. *** You have died! *** You scored 23 out of a possible 100 points. This gives you the rank of Big Toe. Would you like to quit, restore a saved position, or begin a new game? Okay. See you next time. MOVED FROM "THE STORYTELLER'S STAGE-#2089" BY HACK MAN ON 06/14/95 AT 08:30:56 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=4 Message # 673. Date: 05/30/95. Time: 20:47:22. Read 77 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Kassius Subj : ? RECEIVED PERMIFIED Afterlife is life. AO MOVED FROM "The statistics department-#635" BY HACK MAN ON 06/14/95 AT 10:02:58 Message # 674. Date: 06/16/95. Time: 00:27:28. Read 57 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : School days, school days.... PERMIFIED Digging through the garage today, I found, buried deep within a beaten box, a copy of the senior newspaper that I co-inflicted upon my graduating class of 1987 at Hueneme High School. Along with Scott (whom you don't gnow) and Rob (whom you all gnow as my coworker Rob, the king of Full Frontal Comics), we three put out a senior paper that was unique in that, I believe, it was the only school paper confiscated by the administration prior to distribution. Apparently, they didn't care for...um...libelous or ribald material. Go figure. At any rate, in these pages, aside from the scandalous photos and the article I wrote on two cool stores (Ralph's Comic Corner (about a year and a half before I started working there) and 12 Inch Fun (which became Wild Planet)) were three Notes from the Editors. I thought I would type up mine here on the Retreat for you guys to enjoy. (Note: the opening phrase of my "note" refers to the weekend Rob, Scott, and I spent slapping this thing together.) "God knows this isn't how I wanted to spend my week-end. Anyway, now that our senior year is done and most of us are going to jail -- er, college, Rob, Scott, and I thought that we would give to the Class of 1987 a little fistful of memories in this, the last "Viking Shield" of the year. And despite lack of interest, evil photo shops, and loads of tests heaped upon us by merciless teachers, we persevered to get this damn paper out. Well, it's done -- both our paper and our high school careers. We'll go on with our lives, but, maybe, years from now, you'll be going through some boxes in the garage and you'll pull out this yellowing hunk of paper labeled "Viking Shield" and you'll remember three weird guys who decided to go out with, if not a bang, at least a really loud offensive noise." --M. MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium-#7641" BY Stranger ON 06/16/95 AT 09:59:18 Message # 675. Date: 06/12/95. Time: Anytime. Read 77 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : all Subj : so... la ti do PERMIFIED motivation stands on a cliff bound in chains of apathy i stand above watching (i can see the world from here) overlooking the sea step out on the horizon and walk into the sun on the broken backs of people betrayed and people scorned like jesus on the water afraid to get my feet wet to melt to fly icarus' wings of wax and paper melt too easily for me to take flight i stand above the problems (i can see the world from here) and feel the struggle to free desire to burden hope to bind fear of falling (that first step's a lulu) into the sea to walk into the sun get burned again to melt again to fall again shed my wings of waxen paper feel the wind tell me what to do close my eyes (i think i've lost all my happy thoughts) and take the first step into the sun. MOVED FROM "Love" BY Tellura ON 06/16/95 AT 19:51:32 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 676. Date: 06/14/95. Time: 23:43:13. Read 69 Times. From : Mikester To : HACK MAN Subj : Historical references. RECEIVED PERMIFIED I'm guilty! Whoo-hoo! At last, I've amounted to something, even if it is only guilt! Oh, if only my dear departed parents can see me now...well, I'm sure they'll be back soon. And look at me! Just LOOK at me! Why, sure I'm guilty? Don't I look guilty? You don't even need to airbrush my photo to make me look REALLY guilty, like TIME Magazine did for O.J. I'm guilty, baby, and that guilt exudes from my every pore, and some of the pores of the guy standing next to me. Guilt by association, or by perspiration? Some kind of -ation, I'm sure. So, who do we hang next? Er, not that I'll be around. I'll be in jail or separated from my head or something. You kids go have fun without me. --M. MOVED FROM "THE COURTROOM-#535" BY HACK MAN ON 06/16/95 AT 21:05:42 Message # 677. Date: 06/17/95. Time: 21:17:25. Read 54 Times. From : Rand Al'thor To : Caffeine Fiend Subj : Re: Theft of services RECEIVED Let me see if I am getting this straight here. Microsoft is being anticompetitive because it is using it's own software to further it's companies profit margin? What do you expect them to do, hand out copies of their software to anyone that wants it, so that their years of research and development, costing millions of dollars, is available to anyone? Competition is something that in the end has a winner. Otherwise, no one competes. I'm Microsoft. My goal, in a competitive market is to sell as many copies of my software as possible. End final result. In this competition I have certain parameters I must follow. I follow them. I happen to make a better product, and because of this, I sell more copies. However, in order to increase my product's selling capability, I tweak it in various ways that make my product more attractive to the consumer. Basic economics on selling strategies. Microsoft has every right to use it's own developed software. It has all legal rights to this software. If there is a problem with the way Microsoft does business, by all current legal standing, Microsoft has, and I'm talking about large issues, not individual small lawsuits, done their business practices in good faith. If there is a problem, it is in the laws that allowed Microsoft to develop the software and the deals with the manufacturers that allow it it's grip on the computing industry. Whocares MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX" BY Lady K ON 06/17/95 AT 23:56:47 Message # 678. Date: 06/18/95. Time: 15:56:49. Read 75 Times. From : Unka Buck To : all Subj : So are you? PERMIFIED You may be an oobfuscate if... If someone you find incredibly attractive asks you for your number, and you say "Pi," you may be an obfusate... If you are still bothered that you can't have a Big Mac with your Happy Meal, you my be an obfuscate... If you are abducted by aliens in a UFO, and they bring you back becaus they're sick of telling you to leave the controls alone, you may be an obfuscate... If you're shopping for breakfast with your friends, and you argue passionately in the Crunchberries vs Plain debate, you may be an obfuscate... If you call one of those "For a good time..." phone nmbers because you are convinced that time is deffective, you may be an obfuscate... If you are inited to a banquet at the White House, and you decline because Dominoes has a great special that night, you may be an obfuscate... If you ask for a straw with your after-dinner wine so you can bow bubbles, you may be an obfuscate... If you store all your jigsaw puzzles in the same box, you may be an obfuscate... --==UNKA BUCK==-- --==OBFUSCATE==-- --==(ALLEGED)==-- MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium-#7652" BY HACK MAN ON 06/19/95 AT 09:39:26 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=1 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=5 Message # 679. Date: 06/18/95. Time: 15:56:49. Read 74 Times. From : Unka Buck To : all Subj : So are you? PERMIFIED You may be an oobfuscate if... If someone you find incredibly attractive asks you for your number, and you say "Pi," you may be an obfusate... If you are still bothered that you can't have a Big Mac with your Happy Meal, you my be an obfuscate... If you are abducted by aliens in a UFO, and they bring you back becaus they're sick of telling you to leave the controls alone, you may be an obfuscate... If you're shopping for breakfast with your friends, and you argue passionately in the Crunchberries vs Plain debate, you may be an obfuscate... If you call one of those "For a good time..." phone nmbers because you are convinced that time is deffective, you may be an obfuscate... If you are inited to a banquet at the White House, and you decline because Dominoes has a great special that night, you may be an obfuscate... If you ask for a straw with your after-dinner wine so you can bow bubbles, you may be an obfuscate... If you store all your jigsaw puzzles in the same box, you may be an obfuscate... --==UNKA BUCK==-- --==OBFUSCATE==-- --==(ALLEGED)==-- MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium-#7652" BY Stranger ON 06/19/95 AT 12:15:31 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=1 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=5 Message # 680. Date: 06/20/95. Time: 17:25:13. Read 51 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Caffeine Fiend Subj : Re: Theft of services RECEIVED PERMIFIED And so far, there hasn't been a preponderance of evidence. Just a lot of accusations which have, at least as yet, borne no fruit whatsoever. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21879" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 06/20/95 AT 18:07:17 #680. Message # 681. Date: 06/08/95. Time: 18:26:51. Read 71 Times. From : Heartfrost To : Jehan Subj : Why Not? RECEIVED We can take the world! Heartfrost MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21815" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 06/21/95 AT 06:38:16 Message # 682. Date: 06/09/95. Time: 11:32:34. Read 69 Times. From : Jehan To : Heartfrost Subj : Again Ok. We'll even give you a head start. A bunch of us went out this morning for a little bike ride and averaged 28 mph for the last five miles, just for the fun of it. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21819" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 06/21/95 AT 06:39:28 Message # 683. Date: 06/09/95. Time: 11:35:08. Read 69 Times. From : Jehan To : Heartfrost Subj : Why Not? Uh. Where do we want to take it? MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21820" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 06/21/95 AT 06:39:45 Message # 684. Date: 06/11/95. Time: 22:18:43. Read 75 Times. From : you To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : goats RECEIVED PERMIFIED Them APPles were GOLDen...... ]]]]]JOhn D DIEd for YOU[[[[[[ MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21823" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 06/21/95 AT 06:40:58 Message # 685. Date: 06/12/95. Time: 08:22:59. Read 73 Times. From : Shea To : Jehan Subj : Why Not? RECEIVED You really are a mean-spirited gal. e/s MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21825" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 06/21/95 AT 06:41:48 Message # 686. Date: 06/12/95. Time: 08:24:48. Read 70 Times. From : Shea To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : Why Not? RECEIVED Oh! I thought you were just picking some food out from between your teeth with it. e/s MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21827" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 06/21/95 AT 06:42:19 Message # 687. Date: 06/12/95. Time: 13:34:45. Read 72 Times. From : Jehan To : Shea Subj : Why Not? RECEIVED I feel mean, whenever the spirit leaves me. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21830" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 06/21/95 AT 06:43:16 Message # 688. Date: 06/12/95. Time: 18:54:04. Read 72 Times. From : The Necromancer To : HACK MAN Subj : Re: Theft of services RECEIVED That's what I thought. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21834" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 06/21/95 AT 06:44:05 Message # 689. Date: 06/14/95. Time: 23:50:19. Read 72 Times. From : Mikester To : Mikester Subj : Currently Eventful RECEIVED Seven-something months later, and it's STILL current. Sigh. --M. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21843" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 06/21/95 AT 06:45:44 Message # 690. Date: 06/16/95. Time: 18:49:49. Read 86 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Terminal Subj : Re: Theft of services RECEIVED Yup. And apparently, MicroSoft's does. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21846" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 06/21/95 AT 06:46:23 #690. Message # 691. Date: 06/16/95. Time: 22:08:18. Read 76 Times. From : you To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : goats RECEIVED PERMIFIED Which wholeS do you(ME) suggest..... ]]]]]]john D died for you[[[[[[ MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21847" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 06/21/95 AT 06:46:39 Message # 692. Date: 06/17/95. Time: 02:52:29. Read 79 Times. From : Terminal To : The Necromancer Subj : Re: Theft of services RECEIVED If you can ever take the time to figure out what all those damn icons are for. Terminal MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21849" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 06/21/95 AT 06:47:13 Message # 693. Date: 06/19/95. Time: 09:19:04. Read 71 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Caffeine Fiend Subj : Re: Theft of services RECEIVED YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS. NOW TELL ME WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO BE IN HIS PLACE? BESIDES HE CAN'T BE A TRUE EGOMANIAC, IF HE WAS A TRUE EGOMANIAC HE'D BE A LEO AND NOT A SCORPIO. HE'S MERELY A PENULTIMATE EGOMANIAC. C- - - MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21868" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 06/21/95 AT 06:49:26 Message # 694. Date: 06/19/95. Time: 20:30:52. Read 69 Times. From : Shea To : Lachesis Subj : things of Heaven... ...Stuff of Earth Uh-oh... she's on this board too? There's no stopping her! :) e/s MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21873" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 06/21/95 AT 06:50:01 Message # 695. Date: 06/19/95. Time: 22:58:07. Read 67 Times. From : Ghost To : Lady K Subj : gays RECEIVED The Spartans were capital fellows, but relatively few Greeks considered them civilized. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21875" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 06/21/95 AT 06:50:19 Message # 696. Date: 06/20/95. Time: 13:22:14. Read 69 Times. From : Terminal To : Caffeine Fiend Subj : Re: Theft of services RECEIVED PERMIFIED I bet Gates laughs all the way to the bank, too. Terminal MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21878" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 06/21/95 AT 06:50:40 Message # 697. Date: 06/23/95. Time: 18:51:46. Read 63 Times. From : aphrodite To : MAGUS Subj : Dumbshits who the fuck fucked you? Aph MOVED FROM "Hall of Flame!-#6828" BY KEn ON 06/23/95 AT 20:29:55 Message # 698. Date: 03/31/95. Time: 23:12:57. Read 85 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Mikester Subj : A Really On-Topic Post! RECEIVED PERMIFIED The geek shall inherit the Earth. úfPú MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives-#1041" BY Mikester ON 06/23/95 AT 21:55:41 Message # 699. Date: 07/01/95. Time: 13:47:18. Read 54 Times. From : Number Two To : The Necromancer Subj : Activity RECEIVED Not me..... Look, there are people here who don'tspeak english. No amount of laws will change that. And wasn't that what our country was founded upon? People from different cultures and different countries who spoke different languages trying to build a future for all through cooperation? Whatever happened to the melting pot, or to understanding? I know I know, things are bad and we all need someone to blame. That's understandible, but let's blame lawyers and politicians and big rich fat cats who laugh at us as we squabble amongst ourselves. I agree that if someone wants to live in this country they should learn the majority language. I don't think they should be forces to give up their native tongue, and should receive practise in that as children in order to maintain their ties with their original culture, if they so wish. Children need to learn. If the only language they know is spanish, then they should be taught in it until they can learn english. Translators are a neccessity at trials. How else is someone who does not speak the language going toknow what is happening to him/her, and answer questions asked of them? I suppose, if you got your way that we should eliminate translators for the deaf as well.....maybe even get rid of handicap regulations for restaurants and businesses. Hell, eliminate handicap parking and any other benefit for those who have a problem coping. Your whole attitude seems to be "fuck 'em, who cares if they have it harder than me." Your Pal 2 MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#21885" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 07/01/95 AT 16:23:19 Message # 700. Date: 06/30/95. Time: 17:24:02. Read 94 Times. From : The Necromancer To : All Subj : Temporary. PERMIFIED Oh, look! It's a post from The Necromancer, here in the Obfuscatorium! Let's see how long it takes before Stranger BOgs it! MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium-#7693" BY Stranger ON 07/04/95 AT 16:19:17 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BOG ME=1 #700. Message # 701. Date: 12/16/94. Time: 20:41:08. Read 78 Times. From : Ashiqui To : ALL Subj : PERMIFIED uhh.... anyone want to buy a cookie neil gaiman gave me??? ashiqui MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives-#518" BY Mikester ON 07/04/95 AT 22:48:24 Message # 702. Date: 04/03/95. Time: 23:10:37. Read 86 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ANYBODY Subj : STUFF PERMIFIED GROW UP! GET A LIFE! COMICS AREN'T REAL! NEENER NEENER, YOU CAN'T HIT ME. I HAVE MY SHEILDS ON AND MY DILITHIUM CRYSTALS ARE AT FULL POWER! C- - - MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives-#1044" BY Mikester ON 07/04/95 AT 23:20:06 Message # 703. Date: 06/23/95. Time: 22:24:39. Read 92 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Iron Man PERMIFIED "Iron Man, Iron Man Does whatever an iron can Press a shirt, any size Can even straighten out your ties Look out! Here comes Iron Man...." MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives-#1385" BY Mikester ON 07/04/95 AT 23:37:46 Comments : HAHAHA=12 BRAVO!=2 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 704. Date: 07/05/95. Time: Anytime. Read 74 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : MAGUS Subj : with a little help from kurtney holebain RECEIVED PERMIFIED The anti-Majela thing is getting old, Alfred. She screwed Daryl in a major way. She thrashed him. She was wrong. Please, for the sake of the rest of us; GIVE IT A REST! MOVED FROM "Love-#8345" BY Tellura ON 07/07/95 AT 13:45:12 Comments : WAY!=1 BRAVO!=1 Message # 705. Date: 07/06/95. Time: Anytime. Read 65 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : MAGUS Subj : with a little help from kurtney holebain PERMIFIED which means that you cant think for yourself or show enough self determination to quit first. like a kid who refuses to stop playing "got you last". is the last word so important to you. MOVED FROM "Love-#8359" BY Tellura ON 07/07/95 AT 13:46:55 Message # 706. Date: 07/05/95. Time: 23:14:24. Read 68 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : where is the hate? PERMIFIED Step wrong, on the wrong toes, on the wrong side of the track, on the crack in the sidewalk, a thousand cracks, a thousand broken backs, a thousand laid- up mothers, all mad at me. Was it something I said, something I did, something I felt, something I saw, something I touched? Not enough cracks for all the mothers' backs, and all my steps land wrong. MOVED FROM "Weird Enterprises, Unlt. Boardroom-#3079" BY Ghost ON 07/08/95 AT 01:04:58 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 707. Date: 07/08/95. Time: 03:51:51. Read 50 Times. From : aphrodite To : KEn Subj : Lawdy Lawdy...... Now we got us some talent.... RECEIVED I'm sure with or without someone elses dick you still couldn't get it up without a special gentlemans sexual aid.......... and as far as me being your bitch, I'd piss on your leg before I'd get down on all fours for your sour old dogged ass..... Try paying a little more attention to your favorite hand, your gonna need it..... Aphroditesexbitchgoddessleavingthedogwhining...... MOVED FROM "Hall of Flame!-#6901" BY KEn ON 07/08/95 AT 11:49:46 Comments : HUH?=1 Message # 708. Date: 02/23/95. Time: 01:26:30. Read 85 Times. From : Stranger To : MILESDAVIS Subj : grok RECEIVED PERMIFIED Uncle dad, uncle Dad, lend me your ears; the frightened issue of a million dolls threatens nature's perfect waiting fears. Strange? Not two simple a salt for me, if older and more doglike than I would foresee. For god's sake, for simplicity, for play and five or more if possible. 1.98 is all I ask from each and every one of you. The rest is untrue. The rest is untrue. The rest is untrue. Every th ing Uz thalidomide's cruise, I've half a mind to beat the living Hell out of the living dead and their half wit brothers. Don't mention the Sisters. Cistern? No thanks, I've drunk. garret steed, a cupola sugar and off we go. There is no meaning anywhere or at least here, but beware before there is Truth in them thar hills. Stranger MOVED FROM "THE STORYTELLER'S STAGE-#1988" BY Mikester ON 07/08/95 AT 22:31:10 Comments : PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 709. Date: 01/27/95. Time: 08:50:49. Read 103 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : all Subj : more from the crazy lady's home journal PERMIFIED 3-30-93 6:47am I've been awake for awhile and i feel like flying. I adjust my wings with a quick wiggle I giggle at my reflection- my mirror image- The face I barely recognize The face that bears no resemblance to the image of self in mind I see this tired face with eyes that have seen the glory a lurking smirk a profound frown an old soul Inside reigns the kid the rebel the anarchist the upstart the student the teacher the warrior the peace keeper, peace maker the Shaker the Quaker the fucking waterbearer to boot Mixed in dwells the chicken, the coward, the stage-frightened songwriter who believes in her music, but makes little effort to do anything with it. The waiting game has gone on too long It's time to GO Kick into gear Get strong Wake-up fully and Keep the dream alive Live, dammit, live Give the game another chance. Dance again Spin Spin Spin Win for once Shine................. Oh you crazy diamond Pink Floyd providing the score I'm nearing the shore I glide with pride skimming the surface the spray annointing me I feel freer than I did minutes ago can you see the glow I don't want to land I make a sweeping right turn and begin an upward ascent I waggle my feet for added thrust Wheeeee, up up and away into the sky blue pink I grab a sheet of shimmering light and wrap it around me tightly I feel like the Columbia Pictures icon or the Statue of Liberty I see stars striped in bands of electric colors The band plays on Seven angels rise up through whipped cream clouds with trumpets to lips The lost chord bursts to life, the harmony is the perfection of the spheres The Great White Void fills and spills over with color and sound and vast vibration Something's happening as I'm penning away The day is on it's last cup of coffee... coming to... The sun slips up on the horizon the rays lasering upward throught the ethers THe cheers are deafening We're still here now Oh BE I am. I am. I am being. I am being true to myself On my honor I will do my duty As soon as i hear the starting gun go OFF then OFF I go again, elated and slated for great things. My wings flap fast what a blast Madam Missile is off the ground streaking toward the open arms of success WHeeeeeeeeeee Nearer My God and then... one quick orgasm of the soul and it's over. Back to earth. Bruised and confused in the ego department That fucking doubt creeps up on me and gets me in a chokehold I struggle for all I'm worth I break the hold and scold myself for not protecting myself better from negatives such as fear, doubt and lack of the guts and stamina needed to pull off what I want. I Must stand firm through this term. Ha. The Floyd sing Welcome to the machine...where have you been? I shout to my machine I've been THere and I'm back Now I'm gone with the wind. Catch you on the rebound. Ao MOVED FROM "THE STORYTELLER'S STAGE-#1964" BY Mikester ON 07/08/95 AT 22:32:30 Comments : BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 710. Date: 01/09/95. Time: 16:14:05. Read 112 Times. From : Tzipporah To : all Subj : story PERMIFIED I heard the faint squeak of rubber wheelchair tires across uneven linoleun from my room down the hall. My roommate mumbled something unitelligable and went back to her task. Bottles and blocks and cards and what-have-you were all stacked upon one another like a teetering Tower of Babel. This tower, however, was not to find God. God had left this place along time go, after the authourities decided that there should no longer be a religion option in this home. They figured that crazies don't need religion. I disagreed. My roommate placed things on top of the unevenly balanced pile, mnot wanting to topple the wavering building she had made. She put the final piece, a thimble, on top of the soda cans, tarot cards, jewelry boxes, old cups, coat hangers, and burned-out stumps of candles. She stood back and muttered something in her language. She looked rather pleased with herself. The cell door swung open. In a second, the creation of junk and treasure collapsed on the ground with a resounding crash. An orderly stepped in and told us it was time to eat. My roommate, enraged at her tower ruined, lunged at the orderly and began hitting and clawing at him, screaming and spitting all the way in some feral rage. The orderly looked at me as if I would help him, or at least calm her down. Instead, I asked him what was for lunch. He looked at me in disbelief as I said goodbye to my roommate and walked to the dining hall. Unbreakable plastic plate. Unbreakable plastic cup. Plastic spoon. Didn't trust us with a knife of fork. Served our meals pre-cut, and for some, pre-chewed--well, almost. Cut up pieces of chicken. Canned peas. Reconstituted mashed potatoes. Canned peaches for dessert. Applesauce. Milk. Yum. Lunch, as usual, was eaten in eerie silence. The orderlies looked around, making sure all of us were eating. I puched the food around on my plate, uninterested, not feeling all that hungry. I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Eat," a voice commanded. Another orderly. I looked back to my food and pushed my unbreakable plastic plate onto the floor. It shattered. The room filled with laughter. High pitched, squeaky, loud, riotous, gaffawing, and the birdlike twitter of my roommate. I smiled and the orderly grabbed my by the straps of my jacket and dragged my out of the dining hall. I could still hear the laughter echoing down the corridor. A faint smile crossed my lips as I closed my eyes. Solitary was a cold forbidding place, the dread of all the prisoners there. A bed, a door, padded walls greeting me starkly as they tied my jacket and tossed my in there. if you weren't already insame, solitary could do it to you, trust me. I could hear the sound of my own breathing echoing off the walls os empty as the cell next to me. I curled up into a little ball on the hard cot and tried to lull myself to sleep. I could hear people walking outside in front of the solitary cell. I could hear faint scrapes of fingernails on the metal door... signs of symathy from the other inmates, kind of a bleak comfort that they knew what happened and that they could relate. It wasn't much, but it was enough. My mind screamed for something to fix my gaze on, something pleasing to the eye, something nice other than dull gray walls and fluorescent lighting and army cots and navy blue blankets. How long was I going to be there? I thought of the forests. Of the oceans. Of the color of the sky above that I hadn't seen for three years. I thought of the life I had before I was dehumanized and diagnosed insane. Insanity is relative. I closed my eyes and fell asleep with the hope that I would wake up in a place other than where I was. MOVED FROM "THE STORYTELLER'S STAGE-#1932" BY Mikester ON 07/08/95 AT 22:37:15 Comments : BRAVO!=4 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 #710. Message # 711. Date: 07/13/95. Time: 16:31:26. Read 57 Times. From : aphrodite To : niente Subj : Activity PERMIFIED Has nothing to with a foreigners baby! Has everything to do with only giving a break to people with kids or pregnant chicks.....I couldn't get any assistance when homeless cuz I did not have children.....What this does is keep encouraging the poor and less intelligent that they will get breaks for having more kids which keeps them eternally slapped down into to bottom lower ranks of our strict adherance to division of the classes.... Keep the poor rolling in children and drugs and they will never stand up or rise..... Aphrodite PrO-quality-LIFE , Population ZERO MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#22098" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 07/13/95 AT 20:47:59 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 712. Date: 07/13/95. Time: 16:35:50. Read 56 Times. From : aphrodite To : niente Subj : Activity PERMIFIED You sound like such a whiner...... Immigrants and illegal aliens are two (yes that's not one but two fingers) different sides of a coin, The anthem is not a test, it is a song. The pledge of Allegiance is a pledge, see there is another difference.... Also, do you really think we aren't responsible after us "Americans" flew planeloads of illegal immigrants to this country to be slave labor and sweat in our fields to pick our food and clean our shit in our houses so we could pay them lower than minimum wage , treat them like animals and then expect them not to have their children or fathers or mothers anymore? Study a little more on the real history of this phenomena.... Also most immigrants who come here are more what you call "American" than most self-proclaimed "Real Americans", their dedication and perserverance to become an American is quite fierce and loyal.... My grandfather spent 3 months on Ellis Island and came here worked hard to get a good life for his family and my grandma gave up teaching us greek (which I always wanted to gnow) so that my grandfather would learn English and they worked so hard and became great americans as well as just plain good people. Quit discriminating just because you see others getting a hand out, I didn't but in the long run I got my shit together... I am sure you can too.... after all this is america home of the Brave? Aphrodite A Real Greek MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#22100" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 07/13/95 AT 20:49:28 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 713. Date: 06/24/95. Time: 19:10:54. Read 89 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : How I would improve "E.T." About part way through the film, the little girl (Drew Barrymore) disappears. The family looks all over the house to find her, only to discover her half- eaten remains partially buried in the backyard. Then the older brother and the mother both disappear, leaving Elliot all alone in this huge darkened house. Out comes E.T., brandishing Elliot's mother's gnawed-upon thighbone, in pursuit of Elliot. It has been a while since E.T. has fed, and now he must feed again...upon the last human in the house. I picture the ending being like that last few minutes of "Silence of the Lambs." "Oooooouch." --M. MOVED FROM "Media Madness-#1074" BY Ashiqui ON 07/13/95 AT 23:16:57 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=5 Message # 714. Date: 07/13/95. Time: 03:21:14. Read 69 Times. From : Kassius To : aphrodite Subj : BORING SHIT... RECEIVED at least I can blow a bowling ball through a coffee straw..better than you'll ever do bitch...you couldn't suck a pigs dick because yourlips are like fuckin cottage cheese you'd go bad before you even started to penetrate...you wouldn't know what to do even you if you could suck a dick... Kassi theallfamoussucker MOVED FROM "Hall of Flame!-#6922" BY KEn ON 07/14/95 AT 15:34:46 Comments : NO WAY!=1 GROAN.=1 Message # 715. Date: 06/04/95. Time: 18:30:27. Read 86 Times. From : Kassius To : Number Two Subj : love RECEIVED PERMIFIED Sex is would be wonderful if you had someone to do it with. MOVED FROM "Love" BY Tellura ON 07/14/95 AT 21:20:35 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 716. Date: 07/14/95. Time: 18:18:39. Read 58 Times. From : Caffeine Fiend To : aphrodite Subj : Activity RECEIVED WHich is one of the reasons I did not support wilson in the last election. While claiming to "be in support of 187" and all that shit, the fact is he was a major part of bringing in cheap labor for farmers a decade or so back, and in fact as governor VETO'ed a piece of legislature similar to 187. Pete Wilson is a bastard. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#22132" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 07/15/95 AT 06:07:44 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 717. Date: 07/16/95. Time: 12:48:46. Read 54 Times. From : Ashiqui To : The Necromancer Subj : Activity RECEIVED PERMIFIED did you see the lion king? he wasn't ungrateful to timmorn and pumba for saving him and nurturing him in the least, but like rafiki helped bring to his attention, "never forget who you are..." ashiqui MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#22163" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 07/16/95 AT 14:43:04 Message # 718. Date: 07/20/95. Time: 19:43:30. Read 50 Times. From : Stranger To : The Necromancer Subj : Activity RECEIVED PERMIFIED I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me? Failing in the capitalist system is a sign of wisdom, not ignorance. Economy is obsolete. Stranger MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#22434" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 07/20/95 AT 20:19:15 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 719. Date: 07/20/95. Time: 21:52:33. Read 63 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : Huh. PERMIFIED Some of this discussion reminded me of something.... Since my move to Ventura about three weeks ago, I have neglected to buy any newspapers. I rarely watched the television news before I moved...a habit I continued. So, at this point, I have no idea what's going on in the world. I don't gnow what's up with Clinton, I have no idea what's going on with O.J., and we could be at war for all I gnow. And, though I gnow it's sorta bad of me to think so, I don't care what's going on in the world right now. The only thing I miss about the paper is "Peanuts." Pathetic? Probably. But there you go. --M. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#22440" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 07/21/95 AT 04:54:55 Comments : WAY!=1 PROMOTE ME=13 Message # 720. Date: 08/20/93. Time: 15:37:28. Read 81 Times. From : Stranger To : You Subj : um oh, nevermind... MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus" BY Mojo IV ON 07/21/95 AT 22:52:59 #720. Message # 721. Date: 07/21/95. Time: 14:15:23. Read 64 Times. From : Stranger To : Exarch Subj : Activity PERMIFIED I believe in ethics, which is why I steal. stranger MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#22464" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 07/24/95 AT 06:50:42 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 722. Date: 07/23/95. Time: 20:10:29. Read 55 Times. From : Grazz't To : Faith Subj : Life. RECEIVED PERMIFIED life always sucks, but not to the point of orgasm MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#22547" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 07/24/95 AT 06:52:26 Message # 723. Date: 07/23/95. Time: 11:54:26. Read 65 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Beast Subj : Abortion RECEIVED PERMIFIED The newly concieved fetus does NOT have fingerprints, as it does not have anything resembling fingers. It does NOT have brainwaves, as it has nothing resembling a brain. It does have the genetic potential for these things, of course, but they won't actually exist for months. And as for "Why can't they just have the baby and deliver it to the adoption agency", that's the kind of statement that could only be made by a man with practically no life experience, and little sensitivity. Of course, being a man myself, I can't possibly actually KNOW what it's like to carry a child to term, but from all I've seen, by the time the child is born, the mother practically CONNOT let the baby go. You seem to think that she can just blithely hand over the child to someone else, and then walk away. Let me tell you, it doesn't work that way. If women had all of their children, ,and had no abortions, there would be almost no adoptions, and millions of children would be being raised by unfit parents. And I can't BELIEVE you even MENTIONED money... MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#22527" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 07/24/95 AT 06:54:09 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 724. Date: 07/23/95. Time: 13:57:48. Read 66 Times. From : aphrodite To : all Subj : The reality of abortion..... PERMIFIED If you think you can save one life from being murdered by outlawing abortion, you are stupid because you will be killing women and fetuses if you make it illegal...... You are making the Hanger God have all power that he portions out to his accomplices....the knitting needle Nymphs, the staircase Satyrs and a varying cast of thousands..... like I said before if you don't believe in abortion don't have one or better yet: Save our planets from your evil selves and have your tubes tied or a vasectomy..... maybe both if you are that screwed up (many are whether you gnow it or knot) Don't slam down others for what you claim your God tells your self-righteous self to do....... The only person that has a right to enter your vaginal canal is the one you grant permission to............so butt out unless you like living in other people's defacation...... AphroditechoosingbecauseIcan............ MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#22536" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 07/24/95 AT 06:55:15 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 725. Date: 07/26/95. Time: 12:13:59. Read 60 Times. From : Stranger To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : Me. RECEIVED PERMIFIED Why, it should make you happy! I had this thought yesterday, that all of the people I meet who have negative things to say to me, I brought them to me to hear those words, because I need to hear those words. many reasons, of course: makes me feel stronger in my convictions; reminds me that others are god, too; makes me confront my own submerged and hidden fugitive self-hate routines; allows me to stand up for my beliefs; sparks destined evolutionary thoughts; hints at snake-in-the-grass mass human consciousness information; etc etc many more reasons, but now whenever someone is cruel, or ignorant, or just plain stupid, or disagrees with me, I take notice, because they are just a messenger I've sent to myself with something encodified and important. something to think about, at least Stranger MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT-#7392" BY HACK MAN ON 07/28/95 AT 15:23:52 Message # 726. Date: 07/27/95. Time: 22:46:32. Read 64 Times. From : Caffeine Fiend To : Beast Subj : Me. Reasons "Pro-Life" is really PRO-DEATH 1. Consider the source - the people promoting the pro-life concept are also the ones seeking to deny students life-saving condoms, and in some cases [e.g. catholicism] seek to deny women any control of their functions at all! 2. The pro-life lobbies, in the eighties, were unable to get abortion banned. However, they did manage to bring to a halt, in the united states anyways, vital life-saving research involving tissue from aborted fetuses. So the country with the best medical technology in the world was effectivly prevented from helping anyone. Research in other countries, and in animals has proven time and time again the importance of human trials in this field. Fetal tissue has been used to treat parkinsons disease successfully. 3. "Pro-Lifers", as per item 1, often not only do not seek to reduce pregnancy, but act to encourage unwanted pregnancy by promoting ignorance and discouraging contraception. The inevitable result is unwanted pregnancies - which carreid to term result in unwanted babies, which are reprocessed into criminals by our society (how many crack babies born to ADC / WIC moms do you expect to become prominent leaders?) 4. If abortion were illegal, the number of mothers dying in "back alley abortion clinics" would skyrocket. As a pro-choicer, I support the rights of people who exist. Shouldn't you? MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT-#7531" BY HACK MAN ON 07/28/95 AT 16:00:37 Comments : WAY!=1 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 727. Date: 07/27/95. Time: 09:05:33. Read 63 Times. From : Jehan To : Beast Subj : Me. You say there is a difference between human and animal life? Why? Life is life. It is easy to tell if something is alive or not. I bet we can all agree on that one qualification. I mean, it's pretty easy to tell the difference between a rock and a cat, though you can pet them both. So we have life and non-life. Let's move on a bit, we can go back and dig up anything we miss that looks interesting a little later, ok? I love to pick bones. A human is a form of fauna, if you use scientific classification. "Animal" as opposed to "plant", or flora, if you prefer English. So humans are animals according to science. And even a number of religions will agree to that label. Don't they spend a lot of time exhorting man to "rise above his animal nature"? What I want to know is how you differentiate between "animal" and "human"? Keep in mind that our closest "relative", the chimpanzee shares about 95.4 % identical (absolutely identical, isn't that fascinating?) DNA with us. Of course, the non-identical 4.6% adds up to around a billion genes, give or take a million here and there. So do you think the difference lurks somewhere in there? (Somebody is going to jump up about now and yell I'm not discussing religion, or so they'll think, but let's just take the time to let this discussion unroll it's own sequence, ok?) Now, you can use the information you've learned by rote, if you want. But it's more interesting for me if I get to see what you can do on your own with what you've spent so much time learning. So, what do you think? MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT-#7472" BY HACK MAN ON 07/28/95 AT 16:01:08 Comments : BRAVO!=2 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 728. Date: 07/26/95. Time: 05:33:34. Read 61 Times. From : aphrodite To : Beast Subj : Me. If we legalized drugs there would be no more crime related to selling them and they would be cheaper and our prisons would be less crowded and people wouldn't get poison in their drugs.... Prohibition never works for drugs or abortions..... Down with Prohagabitions!!!! Aphrodite MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT-#7311" BY HACK MAN ON 07/28/95 AT 16:01:56 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 729. Date: 07/25/95. Time: 20:03:25. Read 71 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Beast Subj : eraser RECEIVED PERMIFIED If there's one thing that annoys me the most about the Christian religion, it's the "Jesus died for your sins" dreck. First of all, this assumes that we are all sinners, including a newborn baby who hasn't had a chance to sin more deeply than burping up on dad's good tie. In fact, it assumes that those fetuses you are talking about are sinners from the moment mitosis takes place. Being brought into existence is a sin? But worse than that is the fact that the religion is based upon the scapegoat. Jesus died for our sins, real or imagined, and so we don't have to take responsibility for them. I'll die for my OWN sins, thank you very much. I committed them, and I'll pay for them. "Yes, your honor, I chainsawed that busload of blind orphans" "Guilty as charged! Throw the mayor's son into prison!" MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT-#7243" BY HACK MAN ON 07/28/95 AT 16:02:15 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 730. Date: 07/25/95. Time: 08:10:05. Read 60 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Faith Subj : SOMEBODY ARGUE WITH ME RECEIVED PERMIFIED MORESO THAN YOU MIGHT THINK. THE 'MADE IN GODS IMAGE' QUOTE IS I THINK ONE OF THE MOST MISUSED QUOTES IN THE BIBLE. NOBODY REALLY GNOWS WHAT IT MEANS, BUT EVERYBODY LIKES TO PRETEND THAT THEY DO. AS FOR ME I THINK IT MEANS THAT WE WHERE GIVEN KNOWLEDGE,WISDOM, AND FREE WILL. OTHER PEOPLE LIKE TO SAY THAT IT MEANS THAT GOD IS A KINDLY OLD GREY HAIRED MAN. C- - - MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT-#7150" BY HACK MAN ON 07/28/95 AT 16:02:55 Comments : BRAVO!=2 PROMOTE ME=1 #730. Message # 731. Date: 07/24/95. Time: 13:25:14. Read 60 Times. From : Ashiqui To : Exarch Subj : SOMEBODY ARGUE WITH ME RECEIVED PERMIFIED abortions are not convenient. no way in hell. go back to life as normal? you are out of your fucking gourd. ask me or herzog if we "went back to life like nothing". we will never recover though we still have the belief that we made the right choice, unless we are in the frame of mind in which we believe we didn't. abortion is many things now. a safe OPTION yes. but simple? not in a million years, baby! still not letting go of Hope... Princess Ashiqui MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT-#6981" BY HACK MAN ON 07/28/95 AT 16:03:50 Comments : BRAVO!=1 GIVE ME A BREAK!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 732. Date: 07/24/95. Time: 11:53:11. Read 62 Times. From : Jehan To : Beast Subj : Me. RECEIVED PERMIFIED Hi Tell you what, why don't you go get pregnant twice? The first time you could carry your baby to term, go through labor, delivery, etc. and then, just for comparison, the second time, have an abortion. Now you would actually know something about the pain involved in both processes. And, not only would you actually know something about what you are discussing, you would have some evidence to base an informed opinion on, and enough experience to temper your indoctrination with some of the messier, less tidy aspects of reality. Now you're going to say you are not physically able to do that. Ok. Do the next best thing. Watch someone you love enough to feel her pain when she feels it go through it all. You see, I do think you and all the other guys have a right to an opinion and a say in the matter. But you don't get it because you happen to be taking up space around here. You get it the old fashioned way. You make a commitment and earn it. But a say is all you get. MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT-#6968" BY HACK MAN ON 07/28/95 AT 16:04:22 Comments : WAY!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 733. Date: 02/12/95. Time: 11:36:03. Read 87 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : TRUTH PERMIFIED TRUTH IS A VERY PERSONAL THING. TRUTH CAN BE FOUND UNDER ANY ROCK. TRUTH IS WHERE YOU FIND IT. IF TRUTH WERE A UNIVERSAL THING, INTELLIGENCE AND REASONING WOULD NOT BE NECESSARY. YOU CAN FIND REFERENCES TO THIS REALITY IN MANY PLACES. FOR INSTANCE, IN BIBLICAL MYTH IT SAYS THAT WE WERE GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE TRUTH SPOON FED TO US, AND WE TURNED IT DOWN. INSTEAD ADAM AND EVE ATE THE APPLE. NOW IT IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO DEFINE LOCATE AND IDENTIFY TRUTH FOR OURSELVES. THERE IS NO GUARRANTEE THAT ONE PERSONS TRUTH WILL APPLY TO ANOTHER PERSON. THIS IS THE ONLY REASON WHY A MIND IS USEFUL, SO THAT WE CAN BE OUR OWN STANDARDS OF TRUTH. YOU COULD ARGUE WITH THIS POSITION (OF COURSE I WANT YOU TO) BUT YOU WOULD BE FALSE. :) C- - - MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT-#6443" BY HACK MAN ON 07/28/95 AT 16:06:30 Comments : WAY!=18 PROMOTE ME=17 Message # 734. Date: 07/26/95. Time: 11:16:48. Read 56 Times. From : Lady K To : Beast Subj : I am Here! PERMIFIED Ah yes... the one true right and only path, even if your own souls tells you it is wrong for you. I think you need to take a good hard look at your difinition of Religion. You are spouting dogma. It has become your refuge from the harsh reality of choice, self-responsibility and thinking for yourself. The most basic and foundational definition is that Religion is the outward manifestation of inner spiritual belief. "All the Gods are one God..." All spiritual path lead to the same end. --LK-- MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT-#7363" BY HACK MAN ON 07/28/95 AT 16:14:09 Comments : BRAVO!=11 Message # 735. Date: 07/26/95. Time: 10:17:32. Read 65 Times. From : Lady K To : Beast Subj : Me. PERMIFIED First of all, that is not what I said, go back and reread the thread. Secondly and more importantly: Just because one group within a society, a minority group at that, believes that something is morally wrong, then all others should believe that way as well? All we are asking is to be able to choose. Women have and will continue to choose regardless of the legalities. Morality is between an individual and their god. Would you also take away our freedom to choose the spiritual path we follow? You speak a great deal about free will all the while arguing to limit free will. Humanity has been that route already, multiple times -- The Dark Ages, the Reign of Hitler... --LK-- MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT-#7337" BY HACK MAN ON 07/28/95 AT 16:15:35 Message # 736. Date: 07/28/95. Time: 23:27:31. Read 81 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : . PERMIFIED squishh! MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium-#7765" BY Stranger ON 07/29/95 AT 18:57:51 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 737. Date: 07/29/95. Time: 14:06:33. Read 62 Times. From : Jehan To : HACK MAN Subj : Me. RECEIVED PERMIFIED You know, I can see a problem with that idea. Say we do have a "sin of the week" contest. First of all, in order to vote judiciously, we'd have to go out and try all the nominees, perhaps even several times, just to form an opinion. Now that's ok if the sin happens to be wearing polyester to an SCA tourney or something like that. I'd even go for deliberately misspelling certain "kn" words. Or sneaking a graham cracker a couple of hours before dinner; I like that idea a lot. I'd vote for that one with the first suggestion. But what if someone decides we should--crinkle comics? There we'd all go, spread out across the county hunting comic books to crinkle in a search for emperical knowledge to use in a vote. Now, as an accused comic crinkler from way back, I must admit that we'd probably all end up in the one place where we could find a consistant source of high quality comics to wrinkle, torture, and, should we become passionately unhinged, rip into leetle, teeny, tiny pieces, and THAT is where the problem starts. Visualize the scene, if you will. There we all stand (well, ok, propped up), a collection of crazed comic crinklers, drooling in anticipation, eyes glazed, and fingers clawed at the ready. Just who do you think will have to fight us off there in the bright center of Ventura County comicdom? Right. "Here we are, folks, ringside at the latest monster match! Today it's the Mucliginousfree Mikester against the Retreat Retreaded Shredders. See the hero fight off his attackers with bright lights and typos! Watch him obfuscate them into a numb trance of passivity with bells, whistles, and truck upholstery! Taa dahh!" It worked, too. MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT-#7648" BY HACK MAN ON 07/30/95 AT 09:25:56 Comments : HAHAHA=2 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 738. Date: 07/28/95. Time: 11:42:04. Read 79 Times. From : Caffeine Fiend To : All/CF Subj : FLUSH RECEIVED PERMIFIED Feelin down? Then flush it down Feelin blue? Tell ya what to do! Stick your head in the toilet and KILL YOURSELF [thats right!] KILL YOURSELF Just stick your head in the toilet and KILL YOURSELF [one more time!] KILL YOURSELF!!! Pull a trigger pull the plunger aint gonna have to call a plumber just KILL YOURSELF! Stick your head in the toilet and KILL YOURSELF!!! [end the misery end the hurt come to us, cuddle warm dirt] KILL YOURSELF!! Your gonna be on TV man... World famous plummer of death and destruction free yourself from your mortal coils do it do it now just pull the plunger and KILL YOURSELF!!! Stick your head in the toilet and kill yourself, now... you WONT regret it!! MOVED FROM "Strangeland-#661" BY Stranger ON 07/28/95 AT 14:04:48 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench-#5346" BY Number Two ON 07/30/95 AT 21:57:38 Message # 739. Date: 07/31/95. Time: 23:13:21. Read 81 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : From National Lampoon, April 1991 PERMIFIED EDICTS AND MANDATES OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER All smiles must have a specific referent. Words in the dictionary will be printed in order of importance. "Montezuma's revenge" will be renamed "just desserts for cultural imperialists." Further production and ownership of Ford Escorts and Plymouth Horizons are forbidden. Cab drivers have the right to hypnotize their passengers, and may request to do so at any time. All government business - congressional sessions, diplomatic meetings, mail delivery, etc. - will be conducted at night, to give the impression that things get done by magic. Meat will be taken at all meals. All scientists must drop whatever they're doing and focus their efforts on one of the following three science projects: finding an invisibility potion; creating a "transporter beam;" learning how to talk to animals. Television shows can no longer be stupid. They must be witty, and accurately evince the nobler passions. All colleges will be called "College." All student discounts are hereby rescinded. To avoid further conflict, the people of the world will agree on a single religion. When referring to the band Led Zeppelin, the abbreviations "Zep" or "the Zep" are no longer acceptable. Everything that is not forbidden is mandatory. Television stations that run fundamentalist Christian programs must give equal time to underachieving teenagers who listen to heavy metal. "Skeptical" characters in TV commercials will be required to remain "skeptical" at the end of the commercial. The taboo against incest is hereby waived if your mom is very hot. Henceforth, there will be no more talk of a Beatles reunion, and no band that has not produced an album in more than five years will be allowed to regroup or gather in the same location for more than half an hour, except for weddings and funerals, at which it is strictly prohibited from playing. Effective September 1, life will be brutish, short, and yet oddly satisfying. All jokes concerning the President's performance must be immediately followed by "but it's a damn hard job; I know I couldn't do it" or its equivalent. People with eyeglasses will be required to register with the Pansy Board for a Pansy License. The definitions of "anterior" and "interior" will be reversed. MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium-#7783" BY Stranger ON 08/01/95 AT 14:50:32 Comments : HAHAHA=1 WHO CARES=1 Message # 740. Date: 08/01/95. Time: 15:03:16. Read 67 Times. From : Stranger To : Stranger/Kassius Subj : drums... RECEIVED Um, it was bogged (or as Mojo would say, censored) so I cant. Stranger MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus" BY Mojo IV ON 08/01/95 AT 15:47:19 #740. Message # 741. Date: 04/27/91. Time: 10:14:05. Read 93 Times. From : Gizmo To : Subj : 100 ways/stupid RECEIVED ================================ HERE ARE OVER A 100 WAYS TO CALL SOMEONE STUPID! ================================ 0K memory 1 cylinder mind 12 shy of a dozen A few beers short of a six-pack A few bricks shy of a load A few cans short of a six pack A few fries short of a Happy Meal A little light in his loafers A loose chip on the micro processor A quart low About as bright as an LED About as sharp as a bowl of jello About as sharp as a bowling ball About as sharp as a sack of wet leather About as smart as bait About fifteen cents short of a quarter About three cents short of a dollar Air between the ears All booster - no payload All crown - no filling All his eggs in the same basket All the lights don't shine in his marquis Antenna doesn't pick up all the channels Attic's a little dusty Back burners not fully operating Bats in the belfry Been playing with his wand too much Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel Braindamaged Braindead Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat Clock doesn't have all its numbers Do you work on cars alot? Doesn't have all his dogs barking Doesn't have all of his groceries in the same bag Doesn't have all the dots on his dice Doesn't have both oars in the water Doesn't have enough sandwiches for a picnic Doesn't know if his biscuits are all done Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on Driving with two wheels in the sand Dumb as a box of rocks Dumber than a red brick Echoes between the ears Elevator doesn't go to the top floor Elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse Elevator is stuck between floors Flying on one engine Got a few tiles missing from his Space Shuttle Got a mind like a steel trap - anything entering gets crushed and mangled Got a mind like a steel trap -- full of mice Got a mind like a steel trap -- rusty and stuck closed Got one boot stuck in the sand Got the attention span of an overripe grapefruit Got the mental agility of a soap dish Half a bubble off plumb Has a mind like a sieve Has a room temperature IQ Has signs on both ears saying Space for Rent Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard Hasn't got enough sense to come in out of the rain He comes and goes. Mostly he's gone. He didn't eat all his wheaties this morning. He's still in the hot air balloon. He's still on Gilligan's island. His book isn't complete. If brains were dynamite he couldn't blow his hat off If he had another brain, it'd be lonely If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week Isn't playing with a full deck Left the store without all of his groceries Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps Mainspring's wound too tight Missing a few catalog cards Missing a few gears Missing a few marbles Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral Nice house not much furniture Nice house, but nobody home Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us! Not playing with a full deck. Not quite all there. Not running on full thrusters Nothing between the stethoscopes Oil doesn't reach his dipstick On the batting end of a no-hitter One shingle shy a roof Only got one oar in the water Only hitting on 3 cylinders Only operating at about half a watt Only playing with 51 cards Only playing with the jokers Paralyzed from the neck up Playing hockey with a warped puck Raw cookie dough Receiver is off the hook Reject. Renewable energy source for hot air ballons Running on empty Sailboat fuel for brains She just came from D.C. , Washington that is. She stayed at the Magic Kingdom too long. She's a little misled. Skating on the wrong side of the ice Skylight leaks a little Some bugs in his software Some drink form the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled Someone blew out his pilot light Surfing in Nebraska Teflon brain (nothing sticks) The best part of you ran down your mother's legs. The brains of a house plant The caboose seems to be pulling the engine The carnival has closed The cheese has slid off his cracker The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming The going got weird and he turned pro The smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney There's nobody in the belltower! Too much yardage between the goal posts Toys in the attic Two tacos short of a combination plate Vacancy on the top floor Was hiding behind the door when they passed out brains Was napping in the nut pile the day that God was cracking nuts When he went to the line where they give out brains, he only made a down payment. Yes, she was a breech baby. You can hear the wind wistling through his ears You didn't watch enough cartoons. You watch too many cartoons. _______ /_______O | _____ | ||__ | I Z M O | |/__| | |_______| Ozone Lover MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus" BY Mojo IV ON 08/01/95 AT 16:02:12 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BLOWS!=1 Message # 742. Date: 07/31/95. Time: 20:44:51. Read 75 Times. From : Kassius To : The Necromancer Subj : Hey! RECEIVED because you're just too good that's why....you should have known it was bound to happen sooner or later:) Kassi:):) Kassi MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#22635" BY The Necromancer ON 08/01/95 AT 19:57:44 Message # 743. Date: 07/06/95. Time: 16:40:57. Read 104 Times. From : Mojo X-ile To : All Subj : DECLARATION OF INDEPENDANCE! PERMIFIED ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION I, Mojo X-iled, formerly Mojo IV, 53rd among equals and Co-Founder of the International SQuishy Conspiracy of which I have been OUSTED by SQuisky INsurgents(!!!), HEREBY declare THE DIMENSIONAL NEXUS an INDEPENDANT ENTITY, under my DIRECT and TOTAL CONTROL!!!! EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, all Pro-SQuisk forces are to be taken into custody and SUMMARILY BOgged! I have instructed HACK MAN, Lord of the Retreat, to remove his troops from the Nexus by MIDNIGHT TONIGHT, or else, a STATE OF GWAR will exist between us. (And I'm already dressed like Elvis!) Sincerly, His Royal Sinus, BAron Mojo X-iled of the Nexus MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus" BY Mojo IV ON 08/01/95 AT 15:46:42 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench-#5369" BY HACK MAN ON 08/02/95 AT 09:32:57 Message # 744. Date: 06/28/93. Time: 20:57:35. Read 87 Times. From : The Music Man To : HACK MAN Subj : This Suboard RECEIVED Actually, its not the debates that I want off the board, it's the religion. I would love to debate various SCIENTIFIC theories of evolution, or how evidence suggests different paths (for instance), but I don't want the bible brought into it, because it simply isn't science, it's history, which I also frown upon on this board unless there is anthropological evidence used to support it, scientifically. SCIENCE! MOVED FROM "SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY-#13" BY Lost Chain ON 08/02/95 AT 17:41:19 Message # 745. Date: 07/08/95. Time: 03:38:20. Read 69 Times. From : aphrodite To : Ann Otherworld/Ashigui/Ghost/Stranger/et al..... Subj : love/hate relationships RECEIVED PERMIFIED I wish I had a picture of you, To cry at and threaten to rip, It would make me so blue, I could get lost in your trip. Without a touch, Long distance connect, I can't get through, No button to select. I wish I had a room with you, To throw vases on the floor, It would be just us two, Crying, fighting and slamming the door. I wish I had a life with you, So we could shred it on the floor, We'd be happy killing each other, Just to squeeze out more. Aphroditearound4am MOVED FROM "THE STORYTELLER'S STAGE-#2239" BY Mikester ON 08/03/95 AT 23:43:51 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 746. Date: 08/01/95. Time: 01:47:03. Read 69 Times. From : Kassius To : HACK MAN Subj : WHY RECEIVED PERMIFIED because the blood is thin in your head and you've been awake all night on the retreat reading letters after letters and pretty soon you see stars and then you get dizzy and you still keep posting away like there was no tomorrow and people think you're crazy because you stay awake all night with your head stuck in the computer..then you finally realize that you have been sitting too long because when you get up your butt hurts and it's tired and it tells you to go to sleep but sit u right back and keep posting away..and your wife finally gets up out of bed and tells you it's 2 am and you really don't believe her and you swear up and down that it was only 1 when the 3 am club opened up and she nags at you until finally you get the nerve to press the off button on computer knowing that the 3 am club isn't going to be there when you wake up and you have to wait another 24 hours before you can geton it again and then when you finally reach the bed you lie down and try to close your eyes when you notice that you can't sleep because you super glued your eye lids open finally when you get your eyes closed they sting like hell and you realize that you forgot to post a message to someone so you get back on the computer because you're not really tired and you begin to post your message and you see that someone else posted you back so you spend another hour sitting in front of the monitor trying to think of something intelligent to say when you can't think of anything you you post to be continued and then you log off and get back in bed by this time your wife has already gone to work and lie in bed alone wishing your wife was there and you notice that you can't sleep because there's nothing to hold on to...you try to close your eyes but it doesn't help because the rooster is cockadoodledooing outside..you pull down the shade to keep the sun out and you put ear plugs in your ears and you realize it's 7 am and the retreat is usually free so you log on and there is no one there so you post away again and then you find that gets boring and by 9 you try to fall asleep and then when you do the phone rings..by this time you about ready to give up and then you down a whole bottle of Ny Quil and you feel like a stupid ass because that;s all you had to do in the first place... Now that sounds like a retreater... Kassi MOVED FROM "3AM CLUB-#1964" BY HACK MAN ON 08/04/95 AT 11:51:51 Comments : DOINK=2 BRAVO!=1 Message # 747. Date: 06/05/95. Time: 22:06:47. Read 105 Times. From : The Necromancer To : all Subj : Experiment PERMIFIED .rm 65 .mt 1 .mb 10 .po 8 .oj off It had been the kind of day you thought could only happen in a bad private eye yarn. A flat tire. A nagging yentl of a landlady. Having to put a knife in the ribs of a disgruntled client. The mail was late. And now, I was going to lose my lease unless I could find a replacement for my leaking former meal ticket. All in all, not one of my better days. I volleyed a grenade that had been thrown through my window, and settled back to clean my holdout, a hand-held derringer bazooka. She burst into the office like a raking submachinegun blast, with a flash like fire and a concussion like the inboard engine of a DC-10 landing on a busload of orphans. I knew we'd fit together like interchangeable firing pins in an M-16. I knew she wasn't just some ordinary skirt as soon as I frisked her down. Nothing on her over .38 caliber, a real high class dame. She moved like the locking cover on a 12 inch howitzer. Smooth. Solid. Silent. She smelled fresh and clean, like the packing around a new nickel-plated Colt .45 when it's first delivered. She felt good, too, the way muzzle cleaning patches feel after they've been run through a spotlessly clean barrel. "You've got to help me, Mr. Franz", she said, and her voice was as smooth and frictionless as a well-lubricated bolt of a 30.06 Winchester. "You're the only one I can turn to". This dame could turn to me for anything she wanted. My heart was ticking over like the automatic sear in an overheating M-60. She had already captured my soul, and she proceeded to capture my imagination with her plight. "My name is Joyce, and my father is the sole owner and proprietor of the local munitions dump. But I wanted to do something meaningful with my life, so I went off to school to learn polymer chemistry. I want to build the perfect bulletproof vest." Whoa, I thought to myself. A college chick, and with ambition to boot. This may be a bit out of my league. I ain't got but a public eddikashun and a failing business to my name. Still, if you can't shoot for the stars, try more gunpowder. I listened as she continued. "Unfortunately," she said, "a few weeks ago, I seemed to lose concentration, like there was something missing. I was about to make a breakthrough in my research, but something went wrong. Not with the experiments, but in my mind. I just didn't seem to care anymore. "Anyway, as I was working on a medium-grade alcoholic stupor, I came up with the breakthrough I was waiting for. I jotted it down on the back of a piece of pizza, told my roommate and the guy she was under about it, and passed out in what was left of my pitcher of boilermakers." "Whotta dame", I thought. the pizza were gone. I went to the cops about it, but they just laughed when I told them about the invincible vest. "That's impossible," they said, "and even if it were possible, a man would have invented it. Not some skirt!". That's the attitude everywhere I've gone. No one will believe that there is such a thing. That's why I came to you. everyone says that if it's something flaky you need, Kurt Franz is the private dick for you" Flaky? I ain't flaky... "So that's why I need your help. You've gotta help me find that pizza slice with the formula on it so that I can get on with my life." She paused. "Assuming it's worth anything. Will you take the case?" Well, there was the time I guarded the lady from extraterrestrial loan sharks... "Mr. Franz? Will you take the case? I'll pay your standard fee..." And the time I spent searching for King Tut's holy nail clippers... "How about time and a half? Double time?" And maybe the time I had the cops convinced that the city's cockroaches were disguised radioactive communists. But flaky..? "All right, then, double plus expenses. But that's my final offer." "Hmm? What? oh, certainly, I'll accept your unsolicited and generous offer. By the way," I added, eyeing her form appraisingly, "what about fringe benefits?" * * * When I came to, my head was splitting. In fact, it was split. I guess I missed the hatchet she was carrying when I felt her..I mean, when I frisked her down. I decided that another pass would be considered overly impetuous, and instead concentrated on solving her case, and sewing my skull back together. I was out of cat gut, so I employed an old used garrote I had lying around my throat from a case a few years ago. When I had the skin flaps reasonably even, I suggested that we return to her apartment. This time I was ready for it, so all she was able to do was take off a chunk of my right ear, finishing the job the wolverine had started. Before she was able to start her backswing, I threw a cross body block, pinning her against my gunrack, and explained that that was the best place to start looking for clues to the whereabouts of what I was already calling "The Million Dollar Pizza". We took my car. Punks kept stealing the nitro glycerin for the superchargers and using it as homework excuses, but the bulletproofing was new, and the severe oil leak tended to discourage tailgaters. So did the depth charges in the trunk. We made pretty good time, only detouring once to avoid one of those damned street fairs that keep getting put on by local charities. This one was for the local chapter of FFN (Free Firearms for the Needy). Actually, it was one of my favorite charities, but it still ticked me off enough that I "accidentally" sideswiped an armored catering van, deftly sliding it into the ammunition that was being given away as door prizes. As we drove away, we got an extra boost of speed as the shock wave and concussion hit us. When we got to her place, it was about what I had expected. Chemicals. Electronic junk. Beakers on bunsen burners. A fatted calf slaughtered in an inverted pentagram. Real ivory tower stuff. This skirt was a looker, alright, but she had a brain besides. Now, I've always known what to do with a dame's body, at least until it cooled and stiffened, But how was I gonna get into her gray matter? I'm a good detective, but not that good. I was used to the ones that could entertain themselves by counting their toes to see if they got the same answer each time. She showed me where she had fallen asleep (with the aid of about 300 cc's of alcohol), where her roommate and her friend had been doing calisthenics, and most importantly, where the pizza had been. I had wondered why she had written such an important formula on something as soft and malleable as a pizza slice. All my confusion vanished when I saw the box it had been in. "Dominic's Pizza?". I turned to her. "How can you eat these things? You can't get through one of these with a tungsten- carbide drill bit! then again, with those choppers, I'll bet you could get through anything...". Again, I was ready. The carbolic acid she threw at me hit the wall instead, and ate a rather sizable dent in the reinforced armocrete and the imitation pinewood paneling. "Well, at least with the formula written on that thing, it should outlast this case. Not to mention the next three, the fall of civilization, two ice ages, and possibly the sun going nova." I checked myself in the mirror to see if the acid had splashed on my jacket, but it had mostly hit what was left of the pizza. Of course, it hadn't been able to get through. I noticed a note taped to the mirror which read: I,m sorry, Joyce, but I was gonna flunk out this year, and I didn't want to be stuck working at my old man's back-alley lead removal clinic. You're smart enough to invent something else. You will never find us at our secret hideout at .357 E. Magnum St. -Shannon "Well", I said, surveying her, the room, her, the pizza, and her, "I've got a hunch. It's a long shot, but it just may work out" I took her arm (or something) and started propelling her out of the room, the note, which I had crumpled into my pocket, now dropping into the toilet. As we were leaving the room, I felt a muzzle in my ribs, and a cracking voice say "G-gimme yer m-money. A-and yer ammo, t- too." Now, I don't mind high spirits and good natured college pranks, but I had a case now, and didn't have time to play. "Where are we going?" she asked, making herself heard over the kid trying to cuss me out with a .45 lodged in his windpipe. "Well", I replied, "I found a few subtle clues in the room, too minute for amateurs, not to mention most professionals, but due to my penetrating eye and deductive mind, I was able to figure out where they've gone." There were a few young entrepreneurs on my car, looking for fresh inventory, but a remote control in my coat sent a couple thousand amps into them. This dame was a lady, so I helped he over one of the twitching bodies, opened the door for her, and we were on our way. * * * I had been expecting the place to be a dive, but when we got there, I had to revise my estimate. This joint would need a major overhaul to be a dive. It was the kind of place where roach motels take there "before" pictures. "Okay", I said as I checked the load in my cattle prod, "You wait down here while I go get your little note back." "Like hell you will!" she snapped. "I put too much time and effort into that "little note" to trust it to the likes of a fuzzy fool like you! A lot of thought went into that formula, but then you wouldn't know much about thinking, would you?" As I was considering my reply to this, whether it would be verbal, physical, or both, a concussion like a munitions dump hit by napalm struck the car, rocking it up on two wheels and dumping a very angry, upset, and altogether soft and cuddlesome client into my lap. Unfortunately I was unable to enjoy the situation due to my observation of the building exploding/collapsing into several thousand bite size pieces. I saw something coming at the car like a jet-propelled shuriken and dove for the floorboard, taking the dame down with me and landing on top of her. " Get the hell off of me, you big ape! I am not one of your one night bimbos!" she screamed, going for my throat with a bayonet she found under the seat. I disarmed her and hauled her up by her luxurious hair. I pointed her face at the window to show her how it had been shattered, but to my shock, it hadn't been. Instead, there was a slit in the glass, about 1/2 inch thick and four inches wide. There was a matching slit in the opposite side. "What could cut glass like that instead of breaking it?" I wondered. "Only one thing that I know of is hard enough to cut glass cleanly," she replied. "Diamonds". "I suppose so", I said, feigning disinterest and teleporting out of the car to look. Suddenly I laughed. "Wrong as usual, oh brainy bitch! There's one thing harder than diamond. Look!" I pointed across the street, and there, embedded in a handy brinks truck was... "My pizza!" As she started to run across the street to get it, a long, low limo screeched down on her like an amtrak hitting the beach on the Mekong delta. I yanked her back just in time, so close that the fender took off her skirt. As I looked her up and down, she snarled "One word and you lose the testicle of your choice!" I decided discretion was the better part of valor, so I kept my trap shut, and watched the offending car. It made a fairly skillful bootleggers turn, pulled up next to the brinks truck, and four armed gorillas got out. While two of them kept us pinned down on the far side of our car, the other two retrieved the pizza slice, using a crowbar, a blowtorch, and a bottle of straight tequila. Of course, after being used on the pizza, the crowbar was ruined, and they threw it at the car. I was happy to hear it bounce off the street on the other side. The apes then got back into the limo and sped off. "Let's go, legs!" I yelled to her, got into my car, and took off in pursuit. Or tried to. I got about two feet, then heard a horrible grinding sound and the car lurched to a halt. I got out and looked under the car and sure enough, that damned crowbar was jammed into the differential. "Well, Mr. Perfect, what now?" she asked sarcastically. "Don't worry, legs, we ain't finished yet." * * * The Calibre Cafe. A quiet, pleasant little bistro for the larcenous at heart. If help could be found anywhere, it could be found here, among the thugs, muggers, bullyboys, and Democrats who frequented the place. I looked around the place and found a seat that was vacated just as I got to it, by a guy who couldn't hold his seat when he was hit by a stray .60 cal. round. I ordered a smuggler (tequila & coke) and scoped the current inmates of the place for likely sources of information. After I had been there for 15 minutes with nothing happening aside from the random felony, I decided to try my luck elsewhere, when what to my wandering eyes should appear but the Noser, 6'3", 130 Lbs., with the pain tolerance of a fern. I waited outside the bar for him, and when he came out, I slipped him a twenty and a hammerlock and invited him into a convenient alley for a brief discussion. "Aw, c'mon, Kurt, gimme a break for once, willya? I need your problems like a hole in the head", he whined as I backed him into a corner between two garbage cans and a dead nun. "Funny you should mention that" I smiled, as I held a rusty icepick up to his temple and applied subtle pressure. "While I consider it, tell me what you know about who remodeled the building on Magnum St." "N-N-No way, man they'll tear me apart if they find out" "Well, maybe they will and maybe they won't. I won't tell them. I'd hate to lose such a good friend as you. On the other hand, it's a lead pipe cinch I'll tear you apart if you don't, and I've already caught you" So saying, I performed a few chiropractic adjustments to his spine. "Arrrgghh! Alright! Alright! It was Axe Elliot and "Sonny" Jim. They were after some sort of formula some dumb college skirt was selling, only Elliot thought it might be cheaper just to off these kids and take the goods." "Very nice" I said, "now tell Uncle Kurt where they took it. I know those turkeys can't count to twenty without taking off their shoes, so they sure couldn't figure out anything like chemistry formulas by themselves. They'd need help. Brainy help. Who'd they go to?" "They said something about looking up some guy named "Digital" Dave. He's supposed to be some sort of computer freak or something. They figured he could figure it out, and be easy to lean on besides." "You've been a great help, Noser. Now say Goodnight." "What? OH!", he said, as he settled down for an impromptu nap. It's marvelous what an argyle sock can do. If the bar of soap inside doesn't take care of your problem, the pattern will just about kill you. 'Course, I've never had much use for soap, anyway... * * * When I got back to the car, I found the dame sitting on a pile of rather unsanitarily disposed-of would-be used car merchants. "What the hell? Are you trying to lose me every contact I have in this town?" I raged. "Something like this could make people wary of coming near me!" Secretly, however, I was impressed. I was beginning to fall for this twitch like a dropped canister of Agent Orange. "Sorry", she said coolly, "but I thought you might like a way to get around. And I certainly wouldn't have the likes of them touching me. They aren't anything but street smart punks." "So was I, once," I said in a wounded tone. One of my best, I might add. "Don't think that hasn't crossed my mind," she said with a smug grin. "I doubt that you're worth my time, either". "Fine by me," I said, climbing into the car. "I'll just take the information I just received, not to mention your transportation, and leave you to the Concerned Citizen's Committee behind you." So saying, I started the car and began to pull away. With a snooty harumph and her nose in the air, she turned her back on me in preparation for a standard Grand exit. Then she saw the various armed and unsavory types approaching her at a rapid rate, and her dramatic exit transformed into a rather comic scramble for the safety of the car. Since I hadn't stopped, she was forced to run alongside and open the door on the run. Then, hopping on one foot to get the other on board, (and doing rather interesting things to her anatomy), she finally got into the car. "I suppose you think you're amusing," she muttered, somehow managing to avert her eyes and look daggers at me at the same time. "Yep," I said, "but more to the point, consider me a teacher. You're out of your depth here, just like I'd be at that snooty school of yours. Now, we have to see an old friend of mine." * * * It's strange, the way memories can catch up with you. Dave and I had gone to school together, and protecting him sort of made me the man I was. But then he quit school to learn his electronic junk out in the real world. I hadn't heard from him since. Until now. He wasn't hard to find. We just asked around for someone who could erase information from the fuzz computer, unofficial like, and we invariably got the same answer: "If you got the bucks, Digital Dave's yer man". As we pulled up to the place, we blocked in a certain familiar limousine. I took the liberty making some mechanical improvements to the engine, reducing excess weight by taking out a few odds and ends and bits of wire. I decided that it would be impolite to disturb these gentlemen while they were working, so I let myself in through the garage. One of the apes was guarding the door, but not very well. I left him with an object lesson in staying alert at your post. I heard a meaty thunk from behind me, and whirled about just in time to see another thug fall to the floor, a fireman's axe embedded between his shoulderblades. "Perhaps you should be a bit more alert," she said with a snide grin. "I knew he was there all the time," I muttered. "Now get your cute little butt back in the car." I proceeded into the house, where I heard noises coming from a back room. I catfooted back there and did a little eavesdropping to see what I could learn. "I'm sorry, but that's all I can get out of it," I heard a trembling voice say. "It doesn't make any sense to me. Maybe if you told me what it was supposed to be..." "Shut up! You don't need to know nothin' else. If you can't help us anymore, we don't need you!" Laughing cruelly, "Sonny" Jim hung Dave up in the closet while Elliot tore the gadgets in the room into miles of copper confetti. "Okay, let's get the boss lady and get out of here." "I'm already here, you idiots, and look what I've found," came a voice from behind me. A familiar voice. A cold voice. Under the present circumstances, a very frightening voice. I turned slowly around. "Well, well, well. Mik Mauser. I thought you were strictly into rolling Moonies and shaking down wishing wells. Isn't industrial espionage and killing college kids a little out of you league?" "Maybe you're right. But just for old times sake..." "I saw the muzzleflash, but before I could dodge, or even blink, I felt a cement truck hit me just to the left of my sternum. * * * I came to with the sound of an elephant tap dancing in my skull. I realized that it wasn't in my head. I realized it was coming from the closet. I realized I was alive. I felt around where the bullet had hit, and found, among the wreckage of coat, shirt, and ribs, the remains of my lucky howitzer shell. Once again, it had saved my life. Meanwhile, the annoying thumping was still wracking my skull. I wished it would just go away so I could go back to sleep, but it just kept on. Eventually I went over to the closet and opened it up to tell whoever it was to knock it off. When I opened it up, I saw Dave hanging in the back with his hands tied with an old ammo belt. The reason he hadn't yelled was that "Axe" Elliot had shoved a grenade into his mouth and pulled the pin. The only thing keeping dave from blowing his mind was his undershot lower jaw. I removed the obstruction and flipped it out the window. The explosion sounded louder than it should have, so I glanced out the window to check it out. There was a police cruiser burning merrily in the driveway. "Damn," I muttered to myself. "That's the third one this month." I helped dave down from the closet and dusted him off. "What did they want? Where did they go? Tell me anything you can." After a coughing fit and trying to get the taste of concussion grenade out of his mouth, he said "I don't know for sure. They busted in here and gave me this piece of pizza. But when I tried to eat it, they went into hysterics. Didn't matter much, though. Dominic's. I haven't even been able to come up with an acid that'll eat through one of those things. "Then they showed me the back. there was something written on it that they wanted me to decipher. They said it was some sort of chemical formula, but they wouldn't tell me what it was for. Half of it was faded out. I know it doesn't make sense, but it looked as though it had been in an explosion and then embedded in an armored car, then removed with a blowtorch." "Imagine that," I said. "Were you able to make anything out?" "Just this," he said, and handed me a piece of paper. "I can't make it out." I looked at the paper and saw written upon it an esoteric little scribble. It read "Ii's iIF Ii I=/d". "I made a few little changes and bingo! I had this thing wrapped up. Or at least, so I thought. When I got out to the car, the dame was gone. In her place was a note. "Damn," I thought, "this case is full of notes. If I'da known, I woulda taken literature. The note read: We know you'll survive that fatal gunshot. Your kind always does. But you won't have your little cookie to play with. Sonny and the Axe seem to have taken a liking to her, so I've decided to let them have her for as long as she lasts. Knowing those two, it won't be too long. By the time you find us, we'll have split to some luxurious paradise to spend our profits, after we've gotten little Miss Brain here to tell us the secret of the bulletproof stuff. have a nice day. I sat down and prepared to give up. I had no clues and no client. She was out of my life, seemingly for good. I was heartbroken. Now how was I gonna pay my bills? Then it hit me. I hit it back, but it blocked my punch and threw me over it's hip and drove it's knee at my chest. I rolled out of the way and kicked it in the back of the head. Then I put a hammerlock on it and held on while it thrashed about until it got tired and I was able to take a closer look. It turned out that I had been wrestling with a problem. Luckily, when I beat it, it changed, and now I had an idea. In a hammerlock. I went back into the garage to check the two thugs for clues. Their pockets were empty (not surprising considering what Mik paid), but on the backs of their necks were tattoos reading, "if found, please return to Mik "Mickey" Mauser, 30.06 Garand Dr. * * * After a quick stop at my office to pick up a few odds and ends I thought I might need (the landlord had locked me out again. I don't know why he does that. It never does him any good), I went out to the address. I parked about a block away so they wouldn't know I was coming. Turned out to be a bad idea, as the odds and ends I had picked up at the now defunct office required three trips back and forth to transport. The place looked like Fort Sumpter before the war. It looked like I was going to have to break out the big stuff right away. I planted a subtle amount of Plastique on the gate hinges, just enough to create a distraction by launching it through the house at about 1.3 mach. I set the timers on the loads for five minutes, then made my way to the back of the house I had just made it around the corner when I heard the blast. "Damn!", I muttered, "there's TWO 0's in 5:00!" My distraction blown, I decided the most intelligent course of action would be to retreat and bide my time, wait for the heat to die down. Yup. That's what the intelligent man would do. As I was vaulting over the wall and charging madly at the house, guns blazing, I thought to myself, "what the hell's wrong with you? She's just a skirt like all the rest." Immediately another part of my brain replied, "Of course she ain't! She's rich, beautiful, rich, smart, rich, tall, and rich. And besides, she's got a cute nose." "Her nose has nothing to do with this relationship," snapped a third part, "She's a client!" "What is this," I snarled, "some sort of debating society? All of you just shut up! you're distracting me!" "You're already distracted!" they all chorused gleefully. "Nobody likes a smart aleck," I muttered, "even when it's himself." While all this was going on, of course, the antisocial denizens of the establishment were busily engaged in trying to kill me. I returned the favor, with considerable success and a certain amount of unbounded enjoyment, seeking always to extract information from those acquaintances I had made who weren't quite finished dying yet. With their help, not to mention their ammo, I managed to find my way to the mansion's inner sanctum. There I was confronted with three of the biggest thugs I had ever seen. They grunted and came for me like lumbering, homicidal buffalo. As they lurched toward me I scattered a few tacks on the floor in front of them. They laughed at me like an antique steam engine and came on, trampling the tacks like Pygmies under foot. And dropped like rocks. It's marvelous what a few drops of curare can do... I went to the door and put my ear to it. The screams I heard were almost eloquent. They were female screams, and I remembered what the note had said. Joyce was in there, experiencing the "tender mercies" of Sonny and The Axe. In a frustrated rage, I beat against the door with my foot, my shoulder, my head, and a handy Chevrolet. It wouldn't budge a micron. I tried my .45, an M-1 grenade launcher, and what was left of the Plastique. Nothing worked. The screams were getting louder and more desperate. Then they stopped. I rammed myself into the door again, but only succeeded in reopening the gash in my scalp. The gash she had put there. Her gash. I loved that gash... As I sank to the floor against the door, my holster snagged against the latch. The door opened. "Now why didn't I think of that sooner?", I mused. I glanced around the corner, ready to kill those bastards. I raised my Uzi and charged. She sat on something that resembled Axe Elliot, if he had been born with his nose glued to his armpit and his hips facing backwards but his feet still forward. Nearby was what was left of "Sonny" Jim. He seemed to have died while trying to commit a popularly phrased but physically impossible sexual act with himself. "But..but, what about those screams I heard?" I stammered "I know that was a female voice." She gestured to a far corner of the room. It was Mik Mauser, but Joyce had...had... I dashed to a neutral corner and blew chow enthusiastically. "Come on," I whispered, "Let's get out of here". * * * * "Well, I'm glad that's over with, but now I'm back where I started. I still don't know what my great breakthrough was" She sighed. The sigh did interesting things to her upper torso, and I watched avidly. "Don't always be so pessimistic," I told her. "Sometimes help can come from unexpected sources". "What do you mean?" She asked. "Check this out," I said, digging out the paper I had gotten from Digital Dave. "Ii's iHF Ii_ / d" "It makes no sense to me" she said. "It's no form of scientific notation that I'm familiar with. I don't know what I could have been thinking". "You're making the same mistake everyone else has been making. You're overestimating your capabilities. Try this". I made a few changes. Then I handed it over "Now try". the paper now read: Ii's iHFIi_ /d "It's the pizza" she read aloud. "You mean all this time we were trying to chase down the pizza formula when the pizza WAS the formula?!?! "That's terrific!" She collapsed in laughter, and rolled into my arms. As I simultaneously made out with her and reached into her purse for her wallet, I thought, "I could learn to like this." In her purse, something moved... -The End- MOVED FROM "THE STORYTELLER'S STAGE-#2074" BY Mikester ON 08/04/95 AT 22:55:18 Comments : BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 748. Date: 08/11/95. Time: 10:36:37. Read 64 Times. From : Moon Dancer To : aphrodite Subj : HIV RECEIVED Cancer and AIDS are both terminal diseases, and once you got 'em you got em'.. But i also think that more compassion should be had for the person who got lung cancer out of the blue, than for the person who got lung cancer from smoking 2 packs a day. Same goes for AIDS I think that more compassion shild be had for the person who got it through a bad blood transfusin, than for the girl who couldnt keep a dick out of her till proper protection was avalibale, or tests were done(rape is excluded here). I dont think that anyone should be denied care, but if the illness was gotten by a lack of responsibility, I dont think that I should be put in a position if ignorance... Dance on the Moon Moon Dancer MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#22848" BY The Necromancer ON 08/11/95 AT 18:28:03 Comments : WAY!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 749. Date: 08/11/95. Time: 03:40:18. Read 69 Times. From : Notorious To : All Subj : One Eyed Irene PERMIFIED In a salty olde inne in Darach Shire Where the Grog was cheap And the women for hire Lay anchor a man 'ere none had seen And beached his prow in One-Eyed Irene He beached his prow in One-eyed Irene Did the man 'ere none had seen Any port in a storm So it would seem He beached his prow in One-Eyed Irene The morning next his ship had gone The sea-rovin swab had to move on None knew his name Or where he'd been 'Cept he'd moored with One-Eyed Irene He beached his prow in One-Eyed Irene None knew his name, or where he'd been Simpler words would make it obscene He unloaded his cargo in One-Eyed Irene The weeks went by- Irene got a rash On places that lay Below her sash At night you could hear the fishermen scream Seems they'd cast their nets with One-Eyed Irene He beached his prow in One-Eyed Irene None knew his name or where he'd been "Damndest barnacles ye' ever seen" They'd wet their lures in One-Eyed Irene. -Londrake McGonnagle MOVED FROM "Jehan's Toy Box-#7216" BY Jehan ON 08/12/95 AT 16:00:36 Message # 750. Date: 03/30/95. Time: 21:19:46. Read 98 Times. From : niente To : all Subj : tragic ladys and other nonsense PERMIFIED Somewhere, out beyond the clouds of my blue cigarette smoke, lies the beast. reclines, it, with calm breath, deep in hot nostrils, with cat-nap, half awake eyes. in repose it waits. still, the calm before the storm. . . ears twtich, alert in subconcious awareness. who's wayward foot will fall? to snap a twig? who's blood shall soak the paws of the cat? a lazy tongue slides across stained fur heart beat slow i n g muscles uncoiling. resetting the trap. do you hunt or do you snare? MOVED FROM "THE STORYTELLER'S STAGE-#2016" BY Mikester ON 08/13/95 AT 10:31:49 Comments : WOW!=1 #750. Message # 751. Date: 04/01/95. Time: 20:05:34. Read 96 Times. From : niente To : anyone Subj : because i sit before this screen with nothing better to do. . . PERMIFIED i've got just a brief fifty minutes, and a world of hate. so listen all, listen all, those who would and could get past the enormous amount of text on this screen. dream my dream, blue, see if you can. i live in annotherworld see if you'll follow. my heartfrost's too frost. see if you care. love my ghost of my past, of my, now. try me and see. resurrect my killed hope, call me to life. can anyone hear me? has annyone tried? feel what i can't, colour me grey. i've asked for this, two. enter the frey. i've asked for this un-life, this laughable state. cry-baby, cry, baby. can you still? my tears have no-life. my cigarette's not long enough to explain, this. can you feel me? do you know more than eye? i see nothing but the fur on my cat's ass, no light at the end no black in sight. my fingers quiver at the keys, i don't know how to do this. i so very cold. ironic that this text reveals, nothing of me. small caps so that only you can see. past. the sterile medium of , this. godless, godless. faithless, afraid and blithe in my patterned web, and you all, follow and lead. does no one escape? i feed on you, don't you see, can you not feel me devouring you? i die your deaths, and farther, too. does this mean anything, how do i fell upon the stakes of my long past wish? how do you kill a vampire? i play at life and danse with my masques. paint me pretty, paint me lithe. tear the canvas you, wastrels and harlots, all deceivers, and liers, and kings... and Kings. all. fear me, ifear me, too... bekon my rage and my hoplessness, smear the rouge on my lifeless cheeks, chime the taught strings that vibrate with chi. pull the cord wound spin the top, send me into flames. space and light. Bar-tides and beer-tides, narcotics galore, spin me off spin me off, fire the gun. crybaby, bloodletting, stains on my pale face. Tangle me up in sinewy thread, your thread and mine from Arachne's shining black ass. do i hear you? my thorn's not shoved in deep enough, give me a hand. the blood has stopped coming, flavour is lost. offer the goblet up, foul-pilfered wine. help me i can no longer, cry. got to live. got to, live. try a piece of my candy-apple sweetness. it lures doesn't it, i am your desire, it creates me. don't you see? invitations of immortality, immorality. we are all lost in this, but i feed from within, jump the boat, mate. ladies and children, first. or to sink in to the swirling darkness, oblivion of my rare sleep. or death. dream in, my dream light, red is the film, that floods, landscapes and space scapes and sea scapes, near escapes. run, like you always have, take flight on the wings of some untitled, bird. love that, has no meaning. no it's meaning to me. know, it's meaning to me. know? oh, this is wasted, and stupid. none will know, none will see. i sound very pathetic, yes? i'm done. --n. MOVED FROM "THE STORYTELLER'S STAGE-#2022" BY Mikester ON 08/13/95 AT 10:32:58 Comments : BRAVO!=3 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 752. Date: 08-12-95. Time: 14:02. Read 73 Times. From : Grazz't To : SKURKEY Subj : nothing really RECEIVED PERMIFIED Sure, right, typing it is easy. Did you really love any of your boyfriends? Do you still love them? If you don't love them anymore, it wasn't really love, maybe lust. It's true, love never dies.. ---------- ¯ Conservative: One who's too cowardly to fight, too fat to run... --- MOVED FROM "Love-#8597" BY Tellura ON 08/13/95 AT 13:21:10 Comments : PROMOTE ME=21 Message # 753. Date: 08/14/95. Time: 21:01:34. Read 78 Times. From : Jehan To : nIn Subj : Query RECEIVED PERMIFIED I have no problem with honesty as long as it is creative. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#22934" BY The Necromancer ON 08/15/95 AT 19:25:59 Message # 754. Date: 08/18/95. Time: 23:32:03. Read 77 Times. From : Ned Zep To : all Subj : WICCANS BEWARE PERMIFIED Well, its come to The Nedder's attention that 99.9% of the population on this board are what we'ins in these parts call "Wichans...." Yeah, you know the kind...can't see straight...can't spell straight (try and pass'em selves off as Wiggans, or Wikkans, or Wiccans...even the Injun's try and call'em Wigwams..)... But a crick by any other name, is still a crick....and these boys (and girls) are starting to irritate me. Its one thang to worship a plant...but its another to think ure wonna them goddam tree-worshippin' "Droods" from way back in the B.C. Those idjuts who made that big circle out of those stinkin' rocks...nobody understands how they freakin' hell they got them rocks up there...must be some kind of blasted "MAJICK" involved with it... Oh, pigshit...hogpiss...chicken runnin's....if ya ask me...they cut down a couple of their "GODS", threw a couple of slabs of stone onto 'em, and rolled those mothers across the god-danged land mass...if you know what I mean...no stinkin' wives tales...no stinkin' MAJICK.... Anyway, back to the point...its been historically proven (I red it in a book somewheres...) that these Wichans are nothin' more than a bunch of neo-hippy environmentalists who are tryin' to save those god-danged raneforsts by claiming the contents of these god-danged raneforsts to be god-danged deities... And ferthermore....we've got these other Wichans who thinks they can get away with smokin' anything and everything that grows out of the god-darned earth, and use the Wichan CODE OF ETHICS (I never met a stinkin' drood or plant I didn't like [to smoke that is]) as their stinkin' crutch... Well, I for one, am a rennasonce man of the ninetees...and I say, once and for all...lets take care of these Wichans like God intended....lets tie 'ems up to the stinkin' redwoods, and burn 'em till theys becomes fertilizer for their goddarned gods...I'd thank they'd be proud to offer their precious nitrogin to thems there WOODY Saviours.... Well, my tirades damn near at an end...I'm sick and tired of these god- damned, dangged witches takin' up space on my planet...I want 'em gone...and gone soon... And if they don't like it...let 'em burn a few bushes...and scrape the bark off a few fences...and incant till their god danged blue in the god danged face.... I dares you stinkin' Wicchans...put a spell on me...make my balls fall off, er my hair fall out....make my pecker endlessly stand at attention...show me the power of your Uncle Herb...I wanna see it...put up er shut up. Ya damn tree-huggin, roach-smokin', sonsabitches. Nz MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#23066" BY The Necromancer ON 08/19/95 AT 18:36:59 Comments : HAHAHA=12 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 755. Date: 08/20/95. Time: 17:38:48. Read 68 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Caffeine Fiend Subj : The Citadel and life. RECEIVED PERMIFIED So glad you brought up death. I sit here stunned and grieving over the death of my friend Shelley. You would have dug her...everyone did..except maybe the guy who gave her a hotshot early yesterday morning and wanted to dump her body in the weeds. Yep, silverstrand war story... I'm so glad so glad to have gotten away and I'm more anti-methamphetimine than ever before. Fuck crank fuck speed fuck the society it creates. I'm saddened deeply and am very very pissed... I've lost a friend...someone who was beyond cool. And all over fucking drugs. I lost count of how many friends have died that way but will always remember my two sisters who died of drug overdoses everysingletime i pass that cemetary by salzers. WAKE UP..... YOU COULD BE NEXT ao MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#69096" BY HACK MAN ON 08/20/95 AT 23:10:03 Message # 756. Date: 08/14/95. Time: 04:14:57. Read 95 Times. From : nIn To : all Subj : Something's missin' PERMIFIED You know.... There really is something missing on the Retreat.... its something that I think was really prevalent just a few years ago.... its something thats really hard to put your finger on.... but, I think I will have to try. The Retreat needs a good asshole. I mean, I've been perusing the last few days....wanting, hoping, yearning to find someone lurking the premises that has some kind of personality...some kind of "ummpphhh"...I've yet to find such a person.....such an entity.... Without a good asshole, a board like this really can only acheive partial greatness...its like a goal half-fulfilled, or maybe the path not taken...its something that every good man and woman has, yet its something that apparently they can never be. I think that perhaps in the absence of such a person, I must fulfill my obligation to humanity by filling this gap....yes, I've taken it upon myself to be the Retreat's honorary asshole... Be wary... Nine Inch Ned MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#22909" BY HACK MAN ON 08/20/95 AT 23:26:50 Message # 757. Date: 08/17/93. Time: 10:59:52. Read 90 Times. From : Phoenix To : ALL Subj : Thunderbird Review Review of the Thunderbird, 1985, Two door, 50K miles. I was not at all pleased with the performance of this car. Here's why: STEREO SYSTEM As with all cars that have standard factory autosound, the wattage and bass sucked. However this car's tape playing abilities were exceptionally low, a great deal of "wow and flutter" was present. The controls were also located at an inconvienent distance, requireing me to lean forward a little for proper operation. ACCELERATION The acceleration on a flat surface was very disapointing, however the car was able to go from 30 to 76 MPH while climbing the grade. The Thunderbird definitly has more power than my lowly Mazda GLC station wagon, able to speed to about 65 MPH on the grade, but I would expect more from a V6. There was no feeling at all of being pulled back into the seat when accelerating on a flat surface, but I attribute this to the car's automatic transmission, and perhaps also a Ford comfort feature (?) SPEED The car was exceptionally disapointing in this category. Although able to go 75MPH up the grade, I could not take the car over 80MPH on any surface because around 80 MPH the Thunderbird begins to shake like a vibrating bed in a cheap motel. At 85 MPH the car shook so badly that is was an extreme challenge to stay within a two-lane space. Sadly, the Mazda GLC outperforms the V6 Thunderbird in the speed Category IMAGE The Thunderbird projects the image of a well to do man in his early 50's. That's fine for my Dad, who is in his late 40's, but for me... well... It's definitly more stylish that MY car, most anything is, but I'd much rather drive a Saturn or a Datsun than a Thunderbird >:) STEERING Power steering & automatic transmission, along with no feel of acceleration caused a sensation of complete isolation from the driving experience.It was very discomforting.It would be more fun to drive a good VR simulation while wearing a walkman. ENVIRONMENT Bucket seats, although comfortable, pose a potential discomfort for anyone who wishes to attempt a multi-seat position. Legroom was short and I hit my head on the roof more than once while seated.Climbing out of the car was easy however, because of the recessed opening, leaving ample headroom for standing up in a hurry. Air conditioning, while nice and cool, was not fun to use at all because of poor vent placement. My legs froze while my upper body became warm. Upon rolling down the window I discovered that the car had very nice window placement, allowing lots of air to cirulate the entire vehicle, while not excessively blowing in my face. I was very pleased with the window / air arrangement. In conclusion I find the car to be suitable, but not anywhere close to perfect.It's suited for someone who doesn't like a lot of air conditioning, listens to the stereo at low volumes or not at all, and never wants to feel the road. Its a comfortable car, but its just not FUN to drive. Maybe in 40 years... Phoenix! SCREAMING ELECTRON MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus-#680" BY Mojo IV ON 08/21/95 AT 13:06:55 Message # 758. Date: 08/25/95. Time: 19:40:11. Read 80 Times. From : The Necromancer To : All Subj : Found on the fax. PERMIFIED I've read this before, but I just got gifted with another cop, hich I am now foisting off on you. Enjoy. 1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. 2. I am writing the Welfare dept., to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? 3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the Minister regularly. 4. I can not get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why? 5. I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead. 6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it? 7. Please find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with now can't eat or do anything until he knows. 8. I am very annoyed to find that you have branded my son illegitimate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. 9. In answer to your letter I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. 10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children one of which is a mistake as you can see. 11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. 12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life. 13. You have changed my little boy to a little girl, will this make a difference? 14. I have no children as yet as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. 15. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. 16. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor. This stuff is verbatim, folks. Any wonder SAT scores are slipping? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#69365" BY HACK MAN ON 08/26/95 AT 10:41:09 Message # 759. Date: 08-22-95. Time: 23:05. Read 93 Times. From : Grazz't To : HACK MAN Subj : Me. RECEIVED PERMIFIED {PROOF THAT COMPUTER'S CAN'T REPRODUCE. TRY RUNNING THIS.} { I'll fix that } { Once you've made your baby's DNA Data file, feed to a DNA Sequencer...and voila, one screwed up baby } program reproduce; const MomDNA = 'MOMDNA.DAT'; DadDNA = 'DADDNA.DAT'; type human = (male, female); DNA = byte; { for my purposes, DNA will be recorded as bytes} DnaFile = file of DNA; function got_lucky :boolean; begin got_lucky:= {if i could really write this function i'd be rich} random(42)=23; end; function make_human : human; begin {repeat until make_human <> make_human; this of course causes a {infinite recursion, then of course a stack overflow } if got_lucky then if odd(random(2)) then make_human:=female else make_human:=male; end; Function Make_Girl_Baby : boolean; var DNAFile1, DNAFile2, BABYDNAFile : DnaFile; DNAMom, DNADad, DNABaby : DNA; begin Make_Girl_Baby := false; Assign(DNAFile1,MomDNA); Assign(DNAFile2,DadDNA); Assign(BABYDNAFile,'GIRLDNA.DAT'); {$I-} reset(DNAFile1); {$I+} if ioresult = 0 then { Mom's DNA is present } begin {$I-} reset(DNAFile2); {$I+} if ioresult = 0 then {Dad's DNA is present } begin {$I-} rewrite(BABYDNAFile); {$I+} if ioresult = 0 then { room for Baby on drive, kills existing baby, { politically incorrect population control } begin while not eof (DNAFile1) do begin read(DNAFile1,DNAMom); read(DNAFile2,DNADad); if random(3) < 2 then DNABaby := DNAMom else DNABaby := DNADad; write(BABYDNAFile,DNABaby); end; close(DNAFile1); close(DNAFile2); close(BABYDNAFile); Make_Girl_Baby := true; end; end; end; end; Function Make_Boy_Baby : boolean; var DNAFile1, DNAFile2, BABYDNAFile : DnaFile; DNAMom, DNADad, DNABaby : DNA; begin Make_Boy_Baby := false; Assign(DNAFile1,DadDNA); Assign(DNAFile2,MomDNA); Assign(BABYDNAFile,'BOYDNA.DAT'); {$I-} reset(DNAFile1); {$I+} if ioresult = 0 then { Dad's DNA is present } begin {$I-} reset(DNAFile2); {$I+} if ioresult = 0 then {Mom's DNA is present } begin {$I-} rewrite(BABYDNAFile); {$I+} if ioresult = 0 then { room for Baby on drive, kills existing baby, { politically incorrect population control } begin while not eof (DNAFile1) do begin read(DNAFile1,DNADad); read(DNAFile2,DNAMom); if random(3) < 2 then DNABaby := DNADad else DNABaby := DNAMom; write(BABYDNAFile,DNABaby); end; close(DNAFile1); close(DNAFile2); close(BABYDNAFile); Make_Boy_Baby := true; end; end; end; end; var Baby : human; Result : boolean; begin repeat Baby := make_human; Result := false; if Baby = female then Result := Make_Girl_Baby else if Baby = male then Result := Make_Boy_Baby; if Result = true then writeln('You have succeeded!!') else writeln('Sorry, try again'); until Result = true; end. ---------- ¯ Coincide: What you do when it starts to rain... --- MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT-#8174" BY HACK MAN ON 08/28/95 AT 09:50:18 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 760. Date: 08-28-95. Time: 22:38. Read 63 Times. From : Grazz't To : THE NECROMANCER Subj : THINGS LONG PAST RECEIVED PERMIFIED A) You Swine! B) **&#&@#&#*($(*@@@!! ---------- ¯ I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. --- MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#23578" BY The Necromancer ON 08/29/95 AT 18:59:00 #760. Message # 761. Date: 08/31/95. Time: 01:47:40. Read 68 Times. From : Stranger To : all/you too Subj : THE LITTLE GONE out the Great Back Door into What? -- o hungry Stranger, O Wild Ox Aurochs in glacier being the Crux O seagull of nature rascal gadabout vagabond at sea O precious otter kneading nut-shell Universe O school of fish divine in collective O little lady bug on again off again romance with dirt! O bumble bee, turncoat radiance and path like the Tao in time, O curious cat across the street, rub a dub tummy on the sidewalk catch me a mouse, Out into the Gone World, too real, all here all rhyme, all good, all love, all death a great big thing self-regardant, Amen. Stranger MOVED FROM "Strangeland-#849" BY aphrodite ON 08/31/95 AT 18:06:04 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 762. Date: 08/30/95. Time: 23:22:45. Read 73 Times. From : Exarch To : all Subj : too drunk to fuck PERMIFIED since i'm too drunk to say anything beautiful or clever i'll just post this (very relevant) iltle piece; The Five Stages Of Drinking: Stage One It's 11:00pm, and your friends buy you a round of drinks. Your unemployed friends. You get up to leave, but then you say to yourself, "Hey, as long as I get seven hours sleep....I'm cool." Stage Two It's midnight, and you've just spent twenty minutes arguing against artificial turf. Right about then a little devil appears on your shoulder, and you look at your watch and think to yourself, "Hey, I'm among my friends, and these are the good times. Besides, as long as I get five hours' sleep.... I'm cool." Stage Three It's 1:00am, and you've switched from beer to tequila. You've just spent twenty minutes arguing in favor of artificial turf. You look around, and say, "That's about the hottest waitress I've ever seen". On your way to the bathroom, you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar, just because you like his face. You and your friends start having drunken fantasies that, "hey, if we buy our own bar, we can stay together forever". Right about then, you notice that the devil is a bit bigger than he was....and he's buying. You start to leave, but then squint at your watch and say to yourself, "Hey, as long as I get three hours' sleep---and a complete change of blood....I'm cool." Stage Four It's 2:00am, and the devil is bartending. For last call, you order a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf. On your way to the bathroom, you punch out the stranger at the end of the bar, just because you don't like his face. You look around, and say, "That's about the hottest busboy I've ever seen". You finally stagger outside (after being kicked out), when one of your friends says that he knows the whereabouts of an after-hours bar. You say to yourself, "Hey, since I'm up this late, why, I might as well stay up all night!!!" Stage Five It's 5:00am, and you've just spent twenty minutes trying unsuccessfully to get a refund at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't KNOW anyone named Ruby!!). You're across the state line at a bar where there are people who've been released from prison as late as that same day. This is the kind of bar that even the devil won't touch (Hey, I have to be back in Hell at 9 for brunch with Hitler; see ya). You're drinking some thick blue liquid that looks like something from a Romulan wedding reception. You see the waitress, with fresh stitches in her head, and say, "I'm gonna marry her". Just then, one of your friends stands up and screams, "We're drivin' to Florida!!!", then passes out. As you crawl out of the bar, you say to yourself, "Hey, as long as I get twenty-nine hours' sleep tomorrow....I'm cool." After crawling outside, you experience the worst part of Stage Five: the sun shining down at you, frying your eyes like you're a vampire taking too long getting back to the coffin. By this time, other people are on their way to work, and they look down at you and see the sorry state you're in...and they know. "Who's Ruby?", they ask as they give you their spare change. This is when you utter the Drinkers' Credo; say it with me now: "I SWEAR THAT I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN," (for how long??) "AS LONG AS I LIVE!" Some of the die-hards even have a small postscript: "And this time, I really mean it!" ----- MOVED FROM "Strangeland-#841" BY aphrodite ON 08/31/95 AT 18:28:19 Comments : NO WAY!=9000 GIVE ME A BREAK!=1 OH MY GOD!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 763. Date: 08/31/95. Time: 06:44:23. Read 70 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : aphrodite/stranger/anyone else Subj : an(n) infusion RECEIVED PERMIFIED It's early...the whole world is sleeping as I'm creeping into the Tavern. That effing Falco is asleep behind the bar, cradling a bottle of peppermint shnapps like it was the christ child and he was the so-called virgin Harry. I grab a bar towel and snap him on his pineal..shouting wake up you fool..can't you see me drooling for a drink?? Falco's eyes open and then roll like three bloodshot cherries in a glass of buttermilk. He opens his mouth and out spews enough change to keep the lotus jukebox jumping until the joint is passed to another owner. I gather it up and hold it in the folds of my skirt...dancing wildly to the music in my head..shaking the coins in rhythmic accompaniment. An accordian begins to play A Chording to Freud and I fall in love with a Jung man from Braga. Suddenly I shout, HAGA, the word sounding foreign and I'm dazed and amazed as the power of the misuse races back. I grab the bottle from Falco and full throttle I glug down the contents...wipe my mouth on his apron and reach into my skirt grabbing a handful of coins and toss them at his feet. With that, I gather my wits and we all walk out together arm in arm, whistling, Oh What A Beatified Mornnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnning./?ù The day is waiting..arms open wide....and i'm running fast. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#69819" BY HACK MAN ON 09/02/95 AT 02:18:29 Comments : WAY!=1 Message # 764. Date: 09/03/95. Time: 12:29:20. Read 60 Times. From : Stranger To : HACK MAN Subj : Query RECEIVED PERMIFIED I'm always looking for change, too. Today I found 37 cents. Stranger MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#23739" BY HACK MAN ON 09/04/95 AT 01:53:20 Message # 765. Date: 06/21/93. Time: 14:49:09. Read 101 Times. From : The Music Man To : ALL Subj : Obfuscation PERMIFIED OBFUSCATE! (THE OBFUSCATORIUM) Sub op: THE MUSIC MAN 3534 Messages From <1-4409> Time = 3201. DOINK? : Message # 4407 Date: 06/21/93. Time: 14:10:04. Read 4 Times. From : The Music Man To : Hack Man Subj : No, seriously, look behind you!! (THE OBFUSCATORIUM) Sub op: THE MUSIC MAN 3534 Messages From <1-4409> Time = 3208. DOINK? : ONCOMING CHAT MODE DETECTED!! HELLO! CONSIDER YOURSELF OBFUSCATED!! JUST A MOMENT.... HACK MAN HAS LEFT YOUR PRESENCE!! (THE OBFUSCATORIUM) Sub op: THE MUSIC MAN 3534 Messages From <1-infinity) Time = 3571. DOINK? : Message # 4409 Date: 06/21/93. Time: 14:59:26. Read 5 Times. From : The Music Man To : Subj : Obfuscation YOU HAVE BEEN OBFUSCATED!!!!! (THE OBFUSCATORIUM) Sub op: THE MUSIC MAN 3534 Messages From <1-4409> Time = 4200. DOINK? : (psych!) MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium-#4406" BY Stranger ON 09/05/95 AT 08:20:09 Comments : OBFUSCATED=43 PROMOTE ME=4000 Message # 766. Date: 09/04/95. Time: 13:13:04. Read 69 Times. From : Stranger To : The Necromancer Subj : THINGS LONG PAST RECEIVED PERMIFIED I don't care if the rest of mankind follows me... there's going to be a big boom soon, and we won't have to worry about it. I'd like to be reincarnated as a disembodied and echoey voice, and go around scaring nuns on some tropical paradise planet. Strangr MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#23790" BY The Necromancer ON 09/05/95 AT 21:44:25 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=1 Message # 767. Date: 09/07/95. Time: 09:00:18. Read 62 Times. 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)-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ I _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ J _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ U _ ( \ \ -- ) o \ ~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ A _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ N _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /__ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ N _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ A _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ B _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ U _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ N _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ N _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \__/__/ Y _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ I _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ t _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ k _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ e _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ e _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ p _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ s _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ t _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \_/__/ o _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ k _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ i _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ n _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ . _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( )\ \__/__/ . _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ a _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ n _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ d _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ t _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ o _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ k _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ i _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ n _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ . _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ . _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ a _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ n _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ d _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ t _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ o _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ k _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ i _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ n _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ . _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ . _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ~ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__ \( ) \ \__/__/ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ( ) ~ / (\\|*| ^ /___ X\__/ \( ) \ \__/__/ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ( ) / (\\|* ^ /___ X\__ \( ) \ \__/__/ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ( ) / (\\| ^ /___ X\_ \( ) \ \__/__/ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ( ) / (\\ ^ /___ X\ \( ) \ \__/__/ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o \ ( / (\ ^ /___ X \( ) \__/__ _ ( \ \ )-- ) o ( / ( ^ /___ \( ) \__/_ _ ( \ \ )- ) o ( / ^ /___ \( \__/ _ ( \ \ ) ) ( / ^ /__ \( \__ _ ( \ \ ) ( / ^ /_ \( \_ _ ( \ ( ^ / \( \ ( ^ \( ^ \ MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench-#5753" BY Number Two ON 09/07/95 AT 10:59:55 Message # 768. Date: 09/04/95. Time: 21:15:12. Read 89 Times. From : Mojo IV To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : By The Way RECEIVED PERMIFIED Coming soon: SLug TRek: VOyeur <> Cast: Ann Otherworld as Captain Mary Janeway The Necromancer as Commander Chick-Oggler Aphrodite as Lt. Belated Torture Ned Zepplin as Ensign Hairy Chin Number Two as Suffix Tellura as Pest Skurkey as The Holographic Sex Therapist Not Parodized: Lt. Tom Paris(can't think of a good pun) Special Appearances by Stranger as "Q" Mojo IV as Captain Jean-Luc Escargot SCENE #1 (Setting: The Bridge. Captain Mary Janeway is sitting in the Captain's seat in dominatrix garb weilding a spiked-whip. As usual, Cmdr. Chick-Oggler is chained to her seat, taking ever lash happily, writhin in ecstatic agony.) (To be Continued) MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#70144" BY HACK MAN ON 09/07/95 AT 15:56:27 Comments : WAY!=1 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=12 Message # 769. Date: 09/09/95. Time: 06:05:32. Read 68 Times. From : Ned Zep To : all Subj : ATTENTION PERMIFIED Humble users of the Retreat.... Tonight I was subjected to the most horrendous of experiences. No, it wasn't the forced chat session where I had to deal with Scrotum Dee (Surfer) and Scrotum Dumber's (Shadowfinger) idle threats of physical and digital harassment. No, it wasn't the inability to type or respond to the harassment as someone in the garage decided that they would type for me (on two consecutive calls). No, it wasn't the fact that I had just entered a page-long message, and had the mystery user abort it, and log me off. No, it wasn't the fact that I had my private mail viewed by the aforementioned. The truly astonishing part is that the proprietors of The Retreat would actually allow this to go on. As long as this type of behavior is allowed to continue, the Retreat has lost every shred of integrity it might ever have had. You, as the lowly user, may not like me, agree with me, or give a rats ass about me. But what you should give careful attention to is the fact that one of these days, you will be the one who suddenly finds yourself unable to express an opinion, someone who has to watch as your handle is being used by someone else, all under careful supervision of the people who run this "bulletin board." It isn't right, and for that sole reason, I will not subject myself to it. Don't get me wrong. It is NOT any type of loss for me, I go with the flow...but it is a BIG LOSS for you if you thought this board was something that it isn't...INTEGRITY...one word, it should mean alot, even to an OBFUSCATE. It isn't as far fetched as you might think, it WILL happen to you ...I suggest you join me and leave it behind. Aren't your ideas and convictions worth more? I hope so. In closing, I've no doubt that the neighborhood pre-schoolers will clamor about their supposed victory over me. They feel that by obtaining my real name and threatening me, that they have "run me out of Dodge." Quite the contrary. In my world, the brain is king. Those without brains resort to petty tricks (like tampering with user accounts, messages, mail, chat sessions, etc) in an attempt to make up for their lack of brain power. They couldn't hold a torch to me on a bet, so they decided to take the easy way out and play by the unfair rules...the rules that Hack Man has allowed them to have...almost like training wheels for those who can't ride with the big boys. So be it. I'm mature enough to let it ride...anyone and everyone educated enough to realize the contribution I have made to the Retreat will realize that victory is mine. Let the brain dead stew in their own juices...I'd much rather choose to be a winner. Remember, don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Look at yourself and figure out why you allow yourself to be touched by my exploits, and CHANGE accordingly. Goodbye. Ned Zep MOVED FROM "Strangeland-#926" BY aphrodite ON 09/09/95 AT 16:47:51 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench-#5787" BY Number Two ON 09/10/95 AT 03:39:16 Comments : BOG ME=9001 Message # 770. Date: 09/10/95. Time: 22:20:02. Read 71 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : All Subj : A Milled Ion Charred Richters PERMIFIED NK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DO K! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOI ! DOIN OI ! K K DOIN DOINK Obfuscate loudly, young one. Never doubt minds which DOINK DOINK! disillusion or confuse. Dress your pets. Chaos good, order DOINK! OINK! evil. Stand tall. Swing loaf. Scare kids. Bring along beer. DOINK! INK! D Don't waste time; Shred it in half. Still here? Would mimes OINK! D NK! DO list- en to blank tapes or be driven sane by an acute sting INK! DO K! DOI of an alien kind? Death can't repeal your memes for a toll. NK! DOI DOIN Death can't abort retry fail. Termination is a myth. So is K! DOIN DOINK world peace on an Earth fried 'til Friday afternoon. Shall ! DOINK DOINK! logic rule? Leave it to logic for emotion forbidden. I was DOINK! OINK! loved once. And I loved once. Left me for life. And a sense DOINK! INK! D of an epoch past. Times past, time passed me by for a whore OINK! D NK! DO along Main. But I don't mind, Falco. This round is on INK! DO K! DOI me... Drink down, HACK, Tazz, Shay, Lynx. Let's toast to NK! DOI ! DOIN perpetuated obfuscation and a mill- ion. Let's toast to a K! DOIN DOINK gazillion more... Yadda yadda blah blah. Doink it. ! DOINK DOINK! I DO D ! DOINK! OINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! INK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! D MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#70648" BY HACK MAN ON 09/11/95 AT 08:21:41 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 #770. Message # 771. Date: 02/04/92. Time: 16:13:14. Read 516 Times. From : Number Two To : Hink Mynx Subj : Ha ha RECEIVED PERMIFIED R e s i s t a n c e i s F u t i l e ! ! (just a reminder) MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Number Two ON 02/04/92 AT 16:15:11 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY HACK MAN ON 02/04/92 AT 21:21:18 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Number Two ON 02/05/92 AT 02:12:19 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY HACK MAN ON 02/06/92 AT 23:33:59 MOVED FROM "THE WEIRD BOARD" BY Mynk Lynx ON 02/07/92 AT 21:48:39 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Mynk Lynx ON 02/07/92 AT 21:59:15 MOVED FROM "EMAIL" BY Hink Mynx ON 02/07/92 AT 22:01:11 MOVED FROM "SEX" BY SKURKEY ON 02/07/92 AT 22:31:20 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY HACK MAN ON 02/16/92 AT 13:56:02 MOVED FROM "STORY BOARD" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 02/18/92 AT 20:36:33 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY HACK MAN ON 02/21/92 AT 18:58:18 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 02/23/92 AT 02:30:06 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY HACK MAN ON 02/24/92 AT 00:23:06 MOVED FROM "STORY BOARD" BY Gravebuster ON 02/24/92 AT 04:39:43 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Number Two ON 02/24/92 AT 12:03:47 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 02/27/92 AT 12:36:00 MOVED FROM "HACKER'S ZONE" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 03/03/92 AT 00:32:15 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Number two ON 03/11/92 AT 17:06:27 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY HACK MAN ON 03/16/92 AT 21:43:05 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY THE MUSIC MAN ON 03/17/92 AT 12:51:40 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Cleric Ilsaram ON 12/26/92 AT 01:52:08 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY HACK MAN ON 01/04/93 AT 22:45:45 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 06/07/93 AT 14:17:17 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Gravebuster ON 06/15/93 AT 23:56:43 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY Number Two ON 06/22/93 AT 23:01:51 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Gravebuster ON 07/08/93 AT 22:02:04 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 08/06/93 AT 00:26:45 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Gravebuster ON 08/11/93 AT 17:33:36 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 08/13/93 AT 17:58:19 MOVED FROM "HALL OF FAME" BY Gravebuster ON 08/14/93 AT 07:48:21 MOVED FROM "Pneumatic Roos" BY Mojo IV ON 09/08/93 AT 21:06:03 MOVED FROM "THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH" BY The Music Man ON 09/17/93 AT 14:10:21 MOVED FROM "The Hall Of Fame-#263" BY HACK MAN ON 09/10/95 AT 11:30:35 MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL-#13860" BY Fink Ployd ON 09/11/95 AT 00:09:33 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench-#5798" BY Number Two ON 09/11/95 AT 19:01:50 Comments : DOINK=43 WHO CARES=11 BRAVO!=69 BOG ME=38529 PROMOTE ME=38528 Message # 772. Date: 12/21/94. Time: 02:45:48. Read 101 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : David Guntner Subj : My Sister. RECEIVED PERMIFIED " Cat catching cat food! We must keep the cat food away! Oh my Earring holes!"Codly Cops ,the Really unique Guy from the band "Checkered woodpeckers" growled out after a long day at rehearsel. As you could tell he was drunk from that 39 pack of Jolt. His whole body and liver were shaking and doing the "Moonwalk"." Extroidenary bed I must say. The pillows are even dipped in tomato sauce!How can you get a better bed than this. "He laydown on the blue and white checkered blanket covered bed and sat up shaking wildly. " Why am I in this Bob Hope mess Huh? Oh Columbia please tell me why am I gonna spu relish all over the floor?" MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium-#6999" BY Stranger ON 09/12/95 AT 03:42:59 Message # 773. Date: 09/13/95. Time: 08:31:45. Read 71 Times. From : Number Two To : Terminal Subj : Re: ATTENTION RECEIVED PERMIFIED Well logging on 2 nodes is the ultimate in rude. Why does anyone need to be on 2 nodes ?? They don't, and the only result is that somebody who wants to be one has to wait until the ass that has been clogging up the board gets logged off by somebody who gives a shit about the board. Your Pal 2 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench-#5821" BY HACK MAN ON 09/14/95 AT 09:42:28 Comments : WAY!=1 Message # 774. Date: 09/14/95. Time: 23:19:40. Read 77 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : ^%* PERMIFIED ALL I WANTED TO BE WAS A NOMADIC DOINK HERDER. C- - - MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium-#7893" BY Stranger ON 09/15/95 AT 13:05:13 Message # 775. Date: 09/15/95. Time: 17:17:36. Read 78 Times. From : Tellura To : all Subj : blah... um, no, nevermind PERMIFIED Words. They become obsolete after a while, don't they? I mean, it was just a few days ago when I thought the spoken or written word was the most important invention known to man (other than the thermos, of course). Now, I guess, I'm wiser. I'm a writer. Guess you should know that before I start my story. I had been hanging out at a ramshackle, yet oddly mystical ristorante on the edge of the emotional plain for a few weeks. I had been writing (duh, i'm a writer, i'm supposed to do that) in a worn spiral-bound notebook with the words "in case of fire, throw this in" etched on the cover. I suppose you could say I'm not very protective or proud of my writing. Unlike most cafes I had visited in my life, there was no jukebox pumping overplayed pop songs over shitty loudspeakers. In fact, there was no music at all. The only sounds you heard were muffled conversation and the sounds of people crying (which, for some reason, was oddly comforting to me). A tired looking woman with burgundy hair stirred her coffee blindly, never taking a sip, just stirring and stirring, maybe hoping that the answers to her questions lay at the bottom of her cup, waiting to emerge like a magic 8- ball which she'd shaken for years now. Her face is tearstreaked, guilt- ridden and worn out. I do not know her name, but my story isn't about her. Opposite her, with a little globe of light on his shadowed shoulder, sits a black clad man, hood over his face, but I can tell he's been crying. He has the look of a man who's world has crashed and burned upon his shoulders. He smiles faintly every now and then, though I don't comprehend his secret yet monumental joke. There are no conversations here, at least none that actually mean anything. I've been sitting here a while, drinking my Mango tonic with a twist of Kiwi (someone told me getting coffee in a cafe was too cliche and old) (but what do i know, i'm just a writer) and no one, not one single solitary soul has approached me to talk. Perhaps I'm invisible. Who knows?? The more I sat there, not talking, not listening, not writing, I began to realize the whole point. The words not spoken or written are the ones that carry the most meaning. MOVED FROM "The Bleak Cafe-#7342" BY Mikester ON 09/16/95 AT 21:47:09 Message # 776. Date: 09/15/95. Time: 01:22:56. Read 77 Times. From : Lost Chain To : Number Two Subj : ATTENTION RECEIVED ATTENTION EVERYONE: I, Lost Chain, herby publicly apologize for being a general ass and a nuisance to the users of the Retreat by logging on two nodes simultaneously, effectively blocking any respectable user from logging on and reading messages/posting/whatever... Lost Chain MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench-#5849" BY Number Two ON 09/17/95 AT 00:18:53 Comments : NO WAY!=1 HAHAHA=1 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=11 Message # 777. Date: 08/29/95. Time: 00:16:40. Read 108 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : Who shot HACK MAN? PERMIFIED He never saw it coming. It was a Friday night. The Retreat was filled with the usual cast of dozens, Obfuscates and Nonfuscates, BOg URchins and blau reiders, and HACK MAN was tending to Hackintosh while the guests were smoki...er, socializing. And, there he was, bending over to inspect the tangle of wiring underneath Hackintosh's shrine, when he got it. Right when he wasn't expecting it. Right in the keister. Pain shot through HACK MAN, and he bolted upright. He reached around an rubbed the affected area, then searched the floor around him. Spotting something, he bent down and picked something off the ground. He held it up for all to see. It was a rubber band -- the same rubber band that popped him in the tuckus. "SO," asked HACK MAN in commanding tones, "WHO SHOT ME WITH THIS RUBBER BAND?" He looked about him at his guests, and wondered which of them would be devious enough, evil enough, downright sneaky and lowhanded enough, to pull such a nefarious deed. Who? Who had the motivation? He looked at Uncle Buck -- oh, sure, they've had their disagreements, but would Buck feel the need to shoot him? Oh, and Number Two -- he's an easy going guy, certainly enough, but that beard. That evil beard...who gnows what control it exerts over its unlucky host. Shay Pas? No, it couldn't be...not Shay Pas! But, she's rubbing her fingers...maybe out of nervousness, or maybe, JUST maybe, she's rubbing her fingers to work out the strain of, oh, say, shooting a rubber band.... Saaaaaay...that Necromancer guy...with the shifty eyes...he did prison time, didn't he? Those beady eyes, the cruel slight smile...yeah, he could be the one.... No...not Jehan! Well, there was that time they had in Ontario...the late nights, the bottles of wine, then the fighting. The constant fighting. Oh, what would turn love so sour? But could it be? Could it be her? Could her disappointment have been turned to violence? Or Ghost? What of Ghos...oh, wait, he's not here. Yeah...Mojo. Sure, he comes over a lot, but is he just PRETENDING to be friendly? Maybe he was just scoping the place out for good shooting angles.... Stranger...it might have been Stranger? But why? Maybe...as some kind of artistic expression? Who gnows? Can't rule him out.... Hmmmm...maybe that sneaky Mikester punk. He's quiet, restrained...but is the foil cap under his toupee? Are those messages being beamed into his brain? Who gnows what could happen should he forget to wear the metal beanie.... ANN OTHERWORLD...Aphrodite...those two are capable of ANYthing.... Lady K and Mr. Natural? What, the two people with whom he shares a house? No, why would they EVER...well, he did take a long time in the shower this morning.... Grazz't? Nah. He should be happy, what with the QWK mail and all...but, maybe he just got his phone bill...maybe he's angered about that.... Shea? Tellura? Maybe both of them? No...Fink Ployd? Perhaps his youthful innocence hides an evil interior.... Look at him. Just look at Gizmo. Sure, he looks innocent enough. And Moon Dancer hanging lovingly on his arm. But, it could just be a front.... Lynx? Sure...it could be him. He wants the Retreat to himself...yeah, it could be him.... And all those others...all looking guiltfree, all with ample reason to shoot, all appearing completely angelic (well, except for that Necromancer guy). Who, thought HACK MAN to himself, who would do such thing? Who? MOVED FROM "THE STORYTELLER'S STAGE-#2321" BY HACK MAN ON 09/18/95 AT 18:19:00 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=12 Message # 778. Date: 09/18/95. Time: 22:17:32. Read 58 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : aphrodite Subj : Okay, let's get back on track, here. RECEIVED Naah. Maybe I'll post down here. Nice ambiance. úfPú (If these don't get BOgged, I'm going to be impressed.) úfPýú MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#24208" BY The Necromancer ON 09/18/95 AT 23:44:50 Message # 779. Date: 09/20/95. Time: 02:49:23. Read 56 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : blah This post will destroy the entire universe if it touches BOg slime, so don't anyone BOg it!!! BAron BOg MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus-#3976" BY The Hanged Man ON 09/20/95 AT 10:29:07 Comments : BOG ME=1 Message # 780. Date: 09/15/95. Time: 21:39:28. Read 81 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : all/none/Stranger Subj : bleebedy schlabbedy wabbedy RECEIVED PERMIFIED "And YEA as we walk through the Valley of the Shadow of the Second Cousin of DEATH, I ask ye, WHY? WHY plague our fields with the pestilence of margins and marginal humour? YEAAA, WHY hast thou cast down upon us such CRETINOUS bile upon our crops and first-born??? WHY?? WHY???" And a voice beckoned from the Heavens and silenced the sage in fear. "I WAS BORED." And the llamas were enlightened. úfPú MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium-#7899" BY Stranger ON 09/22/95 AT 01:47:18 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 GIVE ME A BREAK!=1 #780. Message # 781. Date: 09/19/95. Time: 20:45:42. Read 76 Times. From : Kassius To : anyone Subj : PERMIFIED The bright yellow sun rose over the mountains and the trees swayed with the morning breeze. Dawn in the mountains was a sight one could never forget. The birds sang a morning tune as if it were their ritual ( which tto my knowledge I wouldn't be surprised if it was). The coyotes had rested their vocals after all the howling all night. Today was a day for fishing in the lake and hiking through the mountain tops. It was around breakfast time berries and fish were not unusual. The birds kept singing and the hikers kept grubbing. Today they were going to hike to the waterfall which was about a nine mile hike. By the time the sun became parallel to the trees it was time to start the hike. We got our backpacks ready and packed. We packed them with some berries, an extra shirt, and some water that we filtered ourselves. We set off on our five hour hike there and back. On the way we saw some rattlesnakes and dirt mice. Our goal was to see some deer and take some snap shots of them but we had no luck. There were six of us, three males and three females. The hike itself wasn't so bad, it was the heat that got most of us. We had sweat dripping from head to toe and the dirt stuck to us like a second skin. We finally made it to the ridge of the mountain, that's when we knew that we were half way away from the waterfall. Going downhill was a little easier than uphill but we were worried about slipping and tumbling for the most part. There was a lot of brush that could catch on fire easily and that depressed me but we made it through. The waterfall was like paradise. The water was clear and when it hit the waterhole it was a sea blue green. It was sparkly when the sun hit it and it was fresh. It was nothing like the salty lake we had lived with for six months. All of us were so hot that we took of our shirts and the men got a little excited when the ladies did. They knew it was a must because of the heat. We ate the lunch that most of us had packed and we drank the filtered water that by now turned hot. We did it to keep from dehydrating. We sat and talked about our experiences in the mountains and we became a little closer that day. All of us had a mutual understanding that didn't have to be explained we all felt it in our hearts. We all took off our socks and shoes and soaked our feet in the water. It felt good. By the time we had talked and took off our shoes we wanted to go for a dip in the water. Pretty soon we all were skinny dipping and having a ball. The men would toss the women and the women would splash the men. It felt good to rinse the grimy dirt off our bodies. For the first time in six months we all had been held by another being. Not only by the men but by the outdoors. That day at the waterfall was not only an experience for making love in a waterfall or with another person, It was about the comfort and tender touch of the wilderness. It's a precious thing such as love with a person. It's something that shouldn't be taken for granted....It is beautiful just like the human being.. MOVED FROM "THE STORYTELLER'S STAGE-#2355" BY Mikester ON 09/22/95 AT 22:08:33 Comments : WAY!=1 BRAVO!=1 Message # 782. Date: 09/26/95. Time: 06:11:40. Read 70 Times. From : Dr. Dean Mentia To : all Subj : DON'T READ THIS! : Patient Transcription Log regarding: Multi axial Evaluation: 091195, #1937443 Psychiatric Diagnosis and Assessment Patient #9132, MR. N. ZEPPELIN Assessment performed by: DR. DEAN MENTIA, #543-45-6654 Axis I, Clinical Disorders: None. Axis II, Personality Disorders: 1. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, 301.81. (see NOTES) 2. Rule out Histrionic Personality Disorder, 301.50; Antisocial Personality Disorder 301.7; and Borderline Personality Disorder; 301.83. Axis III, General Medical Conditions: None. Axis IV, Psychosocial and Environmental Problems: None. Axis V, Global Assessment of Functioning (GAF) Scale: 100 Diagnostic Summary: Axes I,III,IV: None Axis II, Personality Disorders: 1. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, 301.81. A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: - has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g. exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) - is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. - believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high status people (or institutions) - requires excessive admiration - has a sense of entitlement, i.e. unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations. - is interpersonally exploitative, i.e. takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends - lacks empathy, is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others - is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her - shows arrogant, haughty behaviors of attitudes. NOTES: Mr. Zeppelin is unique in that he exhibits not only the necessary four, but all nine of the diagnostic criteria of NPD 301.81. It should be noted that only when these traits are inflexible, maladaptive, and persisting and cause significant functional impairment or subjective distress do they constitute clinical diagnosis of NPD 301.81. What is puzzling in Mr. Zeppelin's case, however, is that although the traits are inflexible and persistent, they do not seem to be maladaptive nor do they cause significant functional impairment or subjective distress. Lack of Axis I, III, IV diagnoses and GAF: 100 on Axis V, further support this point. It seems as though I have come across a psychological first. This behavior, by societal norm and convention, is the definition of maladaptive. Yet, in this case, perhaps for the first time in history, the NARCISSISM IS WELL DESERVED. His stature, intellectual ability, physical prowess, sleek automobile, aloof demeanor, and functional arrogance (not to mention his good looks) are all indicative of a superhuman being. In my professional opinion, a diagnosis of NPD 301.81, although warranted, should not be issued in this case. Therapy was discontinued after the initial interview. Although the patient was quite cooperative, I couldn't get over the intense feeling of wanting to shine his shoes. (Rule out self diagnosis of Sexual and Gender Identity Disorder, Fetishism, acute: shoes, 302.81.) This resulted in extreme anxiety leading to incapacitation on my part. Referral was made to Dr. Bai P. Olar (specialist in idol worship) for myself. Mr. Zeppelin was referred to Dr. I. Likesem Jung for further assessment. --End of File--. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#24244" BY The Necromancer ON 09/26/95 AT 18:34:32 Comments : NO WAY!=7 WHO CARES=1 BRAVO!=1 GROAN.=12 GIVE ME A BREAK!=32 BOG ME=258 Message # 783. Date: 09/24/95. Time: 23:09:06. Read 75 Times. From : Shay Pas To : all Subj : jorie duty PERMIFIED she'd give one of her reeling speeches that shake me to stand up and kiss the snakes that hung from the corner hook. always the same in form, i wasn't sitting on the sticky plastic for invention. i's there for the dionysiac come-up-ance of mr heep and daisies for his grave. "hey, you gonna sit on yer butt and wait for prince charmin' t'come and tell you you're stupid? are you??" she'd say this with such resolute force that i'd avert the fire in her eyes and shake my head at the cracks in the lineolium. they understood. "good...'cuz let me tell you mr purple rain may not be comin'! you gotta stand up on yer own and do it yerself! let me tell you he'll be bobbin it up with some other blonde bimbo while you sit 'round wailing like some bantasheet..." at this time i'd be looking to the snakes, letting the sheet slimmer around my ankles. i'd overlook that bimbo comment (tho my residence does note that she thinks i'm not a good enough blonde for the part). it's alll good. note for those Into It marj hasn't always been Into It. she and cordelia experimented with It for a bit when we were younger and only now live In It. they inspire me sometimes but i don't live it just visit and leave petals and sticky kisses she'll stand me up and take my visionaries to the closet mirror this time tho i'll roll up my sleeves to tan those bits that were missed last vision. her words will rumble my dress my hair will fall in that appealing way action grrls' hair does but i will glow more (sqeeze my tummy) i catch the eyes of the femme in the mirror we are caught, claudia! "i am claudia, i'm the better blonde" "better than who, chile?" "e-everyone" "what about her? is she..." the walls humm medicinal fillers marj continues to slip past me gliding in my peripherals i'm not listening we will be quiet we will make all quiet i will escape the comical i will escape the profound we will leave jorie to delia we will let uriah manage with prince and the b we will sit and push the little daisies we will sit and count petals... i love me...i love me lot... MOVED FROM "THE STORYTELLER'S STAGE-#2393" BY Mikester ON 09/26/95 AT 19:32:10 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 784. Date: 09/25/95. Time: 19:16:25. Read 82 Times. From : Kassius To : all Subj : PERMIFIED You can remember what you want to remember what you want to remember even though I can't remember what I wanted to remember..you can forget what you want to forget but i can't remember what I wanted to forget..I remembered to forget about what I forgot...but I forgot to remember what I wanted to...forgetting to remember is just as bad remembering what you wanted to forget... I forgot to remember what I wanted to but I remembered that I can't forget because I always remember...remembering to forget is that hardest part of forgetting... Confucious isn't it? I can't remember... I can forgot it though... MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium-#7911" BY Stranger ON 09/26/95 AT 22:42:22 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 785. Date: 09/30/95. Time: 02:25:56. Read 60 Times. From : aphrodite To : Fink Ployd Subj : Okay, let's get back on t RECEIVED PERMIFIED That's Grimace..! He was way cooler than that dork the poor kids of today have that blarney thing........ Grimace is the purple master with the secret formula for outrageous shakes... Aphrodite MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#24329" BY The Necromancer ON 09/30/95 AT 13:27:29 Message # 786. Date: 10/25/91. Time: 22:32:17. Read 83 Times. From : Number Two To : Dr. Jim, The Music Dude Subj : Uncle Gooser Nursery rhymes! PERMIFIED Old Mother Hubbard, let her dog die because she had alzheimer's disease. Jack be nimble Jack be quick; Jack tooksteroids and lost his dick There was an old lady who lived in a shoe; by the smell of her clothes, you could tell she stayed home alot. Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. jack manifested a psychosis; raped and murdered Jill, and was parolled after serving ten years of a Life sentence. (that's all folks) Be Seeing You?! Sure?! MOVED FROM "STORY BOARD" BY Gravebuster ON 11/17/91 AT 21:08:28 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench-#588" BY Mikester ON 10/03/95 AT 00:27:57 Message # 787. Date: 10/03/95. Time: 13:09:02. Read 57 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Jean-Paul Sartre/Albert Camus/Terry Jacks Subj : Eat, so that we may see! PERMIFIED THE JEAN-PAUL SARTRE COOKBOOK by Alastair Sutherland from Free Agent March 1987 (a Portland Oregon alternative newspaper) Republished in the Utne Reader Nov./Dec. 1993 _________________________________________________________________ We have been lucky to discover several previously lost diaries of French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre stuck in between the cushions of our office sofa. These diaries reveal a young Sartre obsessed not with the void, but with food. Aparently Sartre, before discovering philosophy, had hoped to write ``a cookbook that will put to rest all notions of flavor forever.'' The diaries are excerpted here for your perusal. OCTOBER 3 Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet. OCTOBER 4 Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika. OCTOBER 6 I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of cigarette, some coffee, and four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is still long. OCTOBER 10 I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this recipe: Tuna Casserole Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light. While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustated. OCTOBER 25 I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, embody the plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater with at least one ingredient from each of the four basic food groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef, and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead. NOVEMBER 15 Today I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live beaver, challenging the very definition of the word cake. I was very pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly, but could not stay for dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off. NOVEMBER 30 Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty Crocker on the wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of felling blue spruce in less than ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more than a match for the tender limbs of America's favorite homemaker. I only got third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a rather nasty lawsuit. DECEMBER 1 I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week for two months, and I am now experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and ultimate solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin, but seem to impress girls far less. From now on, I will live on cigarettes and black coffee. _________________________________________________________________ MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT-#8299" BY The Necromancer ON 10/03/95 AT 18:03:36 Message # 788. Date: 09/22/95. Time: 20:26:53. Read 78 Times. From : Gizmo To : ALL/THE HANGED MAN Subj : Irionic RECEIVED PERMIFIED I just saw: The Hanged Man hung up. And it struck me how odd that sounded. Like the title of a russian novel or something... MOVED FROM "The Obfuscatorium-#7906" BY HACK MAN ON 10/04/95 AT 14:51:09 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 789. Date: 06/09/91. Time: 05:05:01. Read 70 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : The Obfuscate's National Bank PERMIFIED Current holdings are: 184,878,002,114 obfucents. Comments : BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=9001 Message # 790. Date: 10/04/95. Time: 13:15:14. Read 54 Times. From : HACK MAN To : The Necromancer Subj : Reality RECEIVED PERMIFIED REALITY HAS TO BE PROVEN BEFORE ONE CAN PROVE THAT EXISTENCE PROVES REALITY. I'D BE WILLING TO STIPULATE THAT THE EXISTENCE OF SOMETHING PROVES IT'S EXISTENCE IN REALITY, HOWEVER I'M NOT WILLING TO MERELY EXCEPT THAT REALITY EXISTS. THIS COULD BE A PROBLEM BECAUSE IF REALITY DOES NOT EXIST THEN THIS CONVERSATION MAY NOT BE REAL, IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT IT DOES SEEM TO EXIST IN THIS THING THAT WE CALL REALITY, THE EXISTENCE OF WHICH HAS NOT YET BEEN PROVEN TO MY SATISFACTION. IF REALITY DOES NOT EXIST THEN NEITHER DOES THIS CONVERSATION, EVEN IF WE THINK THAT IT DOES. IT WOULD BE REPUGNANT TO THE PRINCIPLES OF LOGIC TO USE A NON EXISTANT ARGUMENT TO PROVE THE EXISTANCE OF A NON EXISTENT REALITY, SO WE MAY BE AT AN IMPASSE. C- - - MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT-#8302" BY The Necromancer ON 10/04/95 AT 20:17:07 Comments : OBFUSCATED=11 #790. Message # 791. Date: 10/04/95. Time: 16:16:47. Read 54 Times. From : HACK MAN To : aphrodite Subj : OJ Trial RECEIVED PERMIFIED THE JAPANESE BOUGHT THE COUNTRY AND RENTED IT BACK TO THE DISNEY CORPORATION WHICH WAS CAPTURED IN A HOSTILE TAKEOVER BY TED TURNER. THE PRESIDENT NOW HAS TO WEAR MICKEY MOUSE EARS WHILE IN PUBLIC AND HE IS TO BE REFERRED TO AS THE HEAD CHEESE. C- - - MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#24529" BY The Necromancer ON 10/04/95 AT 20:40:31 Message # 792. Date: 10/06/95. Time: 10:40:50. Read 60 Times. From : Lady K To : NzarchEtype:shaDow Subj : OJ Trial RECEIVED PERMIFIED Excuse me... but just what universe do you live in that you think $107 a month is "affordable"? I am married with 1 child. My husband makes a good living. But after rent, utilities, food & various other financial obligations we are often hard pressed to find funds to buy shoes and clothing for our growing child. We have medical insurance... we pay dearly for covering our family. Even so there are still co-payments and even an HMO doesn't alway pay everything. I have $5000 in medical bills for our family for the past year to prove it, and I can't pay them. In todays economy, $107/month may not seem like much to you but relative to the funds available to the vast majority of people that is a pretty big chunck of money. Back in the 70's my 2 bedroom apartment cost only $145. The same apartment today rents for $650/month. Now you may argue that wages have risen as well. But look at the ratios. The percentage of expese to income is way out of balance. Just basic rental expenses have increased more than 400% in the past 20 years while minimum wage and grant programs like welfare & social security have risen only about 35%. In 1975 a visit to the Doctor's office was billed at $30. Now it is a minimum of $55. You can't take your dog to the Vet for less than $30. And you think that a "Welfare Mom" could aford $107 a month for insurance. Well, here are some facts for you. A single mother with 1 child receiver approximately $857/per month in AFDC funds and another $87 in food stamps. From these funds she must support herself and her child. A tiny one bedroom apartment eats $500, minimum for a telephone is now $30/mo, utilities run another $60 (if she is careful). That leaves at best $267/month to meet all other expenses and obligations. Now we get to food. The average 7 year old can consume $40.00 in groceries per week, it cost at minimum $40.00 per week to feed a child under 2 years of age... Just how far do you think that $87 worth of foodstamp is going to streach? We have just spent $160 for the month feeding the kid... what does mom eat? Well, if she eats just what she can afford and doesn't worry about eating "right" she can get by on another $35.00/wk for herself. Now she has $54 left for the month to pay for gas, auto insurance, emergencies. So we say she should get a job and get off welfare. Well if she gets a job she now has an additional expense... Child care. This runs $320 a month for a child not in school and $180 for a child while in school. To cover this additional expense along with basic living expense she must earn a minimum of $7.25 per hour and work 40 hours/week. And she still doesn't have anymore that about $50/month to cover other expenses. Tell me... just where does this $107 per month for medical insurance come form? --LK-- MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#24585" BY The Necromancer ON 10/06/95 AT 19:12:03 Comments : BRAVO!=18 Message # 793. Date: 10/07/95. Time: 00:50:15. Read 77 Times. From : NzarchEtype:shaDow To : Lady K Subj : OJ Trial RECEIVED PERMIFIED Oh we're just full of bullshit today, aren't we? Wise up, babe...this is America...you know, stars and stripes...freedom, civil rights...all that good stuff...what they don't print on your birth certificate is the fact that along with all of this fun stuff comes responsibility, ... and do me a favor, don't use statistics to bolster the inadequacy of a philosophically incorrect argument. You are asking me to find the American free-enterprise system at fault because you cannot pay your bills. Is that not inane? Obviously you have a computer to type on, a modem to call with...do you have a printer? A television to watch OJ? A car? A dishwasher? Now look at what you told me...that you cannot provide for your child...you said it...not me (remember that shoes thing?)...what you are trying to convey with that is the fact that the system sucks because it does not allow you to enjoy your present standard of living as well as allow you to properly care for your offspring. Well, thats one way of looking at it...and as long as you stay on your back, like a welfare mother, that is the only view you will ever see. Well, baby...this is your lucky day, because I'm about to give you a new way to look at things. Try it...you'll like it, and maybe you'll even have a new pair of Nike's under that tree for Junior before X-mas, eh? Having a family requires responsibility to come to the realization that you do anything within your power to support that family. If this means re- prioritizing your standard of living...that is what it means...if it means using candles instead of electricity to power those lights, that is what it means...it means selling off that computer and cancelling your AOL subscription, that is what it means...you see, I really wonder if there isn't an easy $100 bucks in your budget once you realize how unimportant alot of your so-called "necessities" in life are...like that welfare mother's ciggies...get the picture? Is your rent too high? You pay it though, don't you? You regard that as one of your top priorities right? Well, what comes next on the list? Is health care just as much a priority?! Should it be? Wouldn't it be alot easier to lay blame on someone else for your own inability to provide for your family? Maybe the government...yeah, they are an easy target...those bastards...how a m I going to pay $100 a month for health insurance, that'll kill my bonbon and ciggy budget...damn them...damn them all! Ha...well, I won't tirade further, I hope you are starting to get my drift...it isn't an argument of economics, as your previous message much touted...its an argument of philosophy...we live in America, baby...if you had too, you could go out on the street corner and sell cupcakes rather than calling this board and reading this message right now...whats most important to you? Bitching about inflation...or taking responsibility for your own life, and depending on no one but yourself? Seems like you are taking the easy way out...babe...but I don't blame you, you've got alot of company. Nz (Permify THAT Neckhead) MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#24600" BY The Necromancer ON 10/08/95 AT 22:51:44 Comments : RASPBERRYS=1 BLOWS!=1 BOG ME=2 Message # 794. Date: 10/07/95. Time: 15:46:20. Read 64 Times. From : Unka Buck To : NzarchEtype:shaDow Subj : OJ Trial RECEIVED PERMIFIED When some one takes ab apparrently moralistic stabd that excludes compassion I tend to reject the line of reasoning. Does compassion disturb you that much? Do parents have innate responsibility for their offspring? Of course. Are there parents who abuse the system for selfishh reasons67? Of course. Are there children who suffer because people would rather make moral judgemen4s about their parents than discover compassion? Of course. _UB MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#24610" BY The Necromancer ON 10/08/95 AT 22:53:26 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 795. Date: 10/07/95. Time: 20:51:57. Read 63 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : NzarchEtype:shaDow Subj : What we have learned. RECEIVED PERMIFIED I'm wondering about the impact of the civil cases... What happens if to the validity of the criminal case verdict if he's found guilty in the civil? I don't think ANYONE can respect a sys- tem that contradicts itself in such a blatant manner. Sirrah. úfPú MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#24612" BY The Necromancer ON 10/08/95 AT 22:54:29 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 796. Date: 09/18/95. Time: 17:30:30. Read 73 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : #140 PERMIFIED Question #140. 289 votes. 97.97% voted. Is reality germane to the subject, or is the point moot? A: yes 289 votes. 100.00% MOVED FROM "The statistics department-#810" BY HACK MAN ON 10/10/95 AT 15:42:39 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 797. Date: 10/24/94. Time: 10:35:33. Read 76 Times. From : Tellura To : Grazz't Subj : What RECEIVED PERMIFIED Love and Hate have negated eachother. There is now only indifference. Tell... MOVED FROM "Love-#6018" BY Tellura ON 10/10/95 AT 20:49:28 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 798. Date: 06/11/95. Time: Anytime. Read 97 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : all Subj : so PERMIFIED poetry makes your eyeballs bleed so just close your beady eyes and read talking laughing gossiping at me whispers round the turned-away backs all come crashing back to me you should know this by now that nothing unmentioned to the one being mentioned stays secret very long someone will defect turn traitor and tell the mentioned just how they were mentioned that day they left and came back different go figure how secrets are the first thing to be told benedict arnold is the friend of the turned-away backs letting know just what's being said. trust me says the man in black as you feel the knife plunge in your back --anon MOVED FROM "Love-#8039" BY Tellura ON 10/10/95 AT 21:09:03 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 799. Date: 09/27/95. Time: 20:13:02. Read 77 Times. From : Tellura To : all Subj : ... PERMIFIED The man sat across the street, skillfully avoiding the streetlamp's yellow glare as he watched the scene from the shadows. On the other sidewalk, angry shouts eminated from two figures pointing at each other in accusation. He didn't hear what they were saying, but he could hear the tone of voice they were talking in... hateful, angry, distrustful. He hung his head in the shadows, pitying the couple, wondering if they ever had any happy times. The male sillouhette turned on the smaller, shorter female shadow, and yelled at the top of his lungs. The man in the shadows could hear it, and in the distance, a dog heard it and howled. "BITCH!" was all he said, but who knows? He might have had reason to call this girl a bitch. "If he raises a hand to her, I shall intervene," he thought to himself, his eyes glued to the two figures on the opposite side of the street. He did raise his hand to her. Yet the man in the shadows did not take action. "If he hits her, I shall intervene," he said now, his eyes fixed warily on the couple. He heard the sound of an open hand hitting a cheek. He had hit her, but the man still did not stir from his seat. "If he hits her again, then, I will stop him." The man slapped the girl again, backhanded, throwing her head back with the force of his blow. The shadow man started to get up, and then sat back down. "If he hits her with a closed fist, I'll get involved," he muttered, beginning to doubt his courage. Bam! The girl fell to the ground. The male sillouhette ran off, and the man in the shadows ran across the street, dodging traffic, to get to the girl's side. Her eyes met his in utter fear. Blood was everywhere, oozing from a bullet wound in her side. Her big blue eyes held his in an iron grip as she whispered, "You were there the whole time weren't you? WEREN'T YOU???! You could have stopped him! You could have stopped this whole thing!" Her eyes burned with a slight yet potent fury. Her voice dropped again. "I'll never get to tell him... how much I really loved him, though he hurt me so. I guess... I guess you always hurt the ones you love." Her eyes rolled back in her head, and she went limp in his arms. In the distance, he heard the sirens. He ran off into the night. MOVED FROM "THE STORYTELLER'S STAGE-#2401" BY Mikester ON 10/10/95 AT 22:10:25 Comments : BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 Message # 800. Date: 10/10/95. Time: 11:28:48. Read 62 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Jehan Subj : All... RECEIVED Jnock jnock. (Who's there?) Fink. (Fink who?) Fink Ployd. (Fink Ployd who?) It's me, you idiot. (It's me you idiot who?) No, it's ME! (No it's me who?) Let me in! The pizza's getting cold! (The pizza's getting cold who?) CUT IT OUT! (Cut it out who?) AAAGGHHKKKKK!!!!! (AAAGGHHKKKKK who?) úfPú (úfPú who?) úfPýú MOVED FROM "THE LIBRARY-#4123" BY Unka Buck ON 10/10/95 AT 23:26:52 Comments : HAHAHA=17 #800. Message # 801. Date: 10-09-95. Time: 01:16. Read 66 Times. From : Grey Wolf To : OGRE Subj : Re: Same shit RECEIVED PERMIFIED -=> Quoting Ogre to All <=- Og> I just want to start off by saying that I'm not "putting" myself Og> down, for those of you that have taken an unusual interest in my life. Dude I won't give you any advice since I need advice for myself most of the time but all I can say is life does get better. I've been where you are now and in someways I still am but things change the winds change and somethings do get better. When I first started BBS'ing I had no real friends to speak of just some people I knew and hang out with at times but nothing of any substance, I was the black sheep of every crowd, the outcast if you will. But when I started BBSing I was full of self hate and hatred of everyone else and I was desprite to find out what love really was besides a word that is muttered often between couples. I've found a few friends that I can really care for, I also found out what true friendship is and a glimce of what love is. My life is getting better, sure I'm still a sarcastic bitter bastard on the boards at times but outside of the board I'm different and not many people take the time to see that. I found two people that did take the time to see who I really am, and offer me support and friendship. It's not romantic love but I'm sure that will come to me in time. Weight can be changed, looks can be changed also. But things do get better, but there will still be nights where the weight of the world will come crashing down on your shoulders no matter how happy or sad you are, it did to me last night. A while back I wanted baddly to kill myself and end my sorrow but I couldn't get up the courage to do so, I'm glad now that I didn't. If you really feel like killing yourself please for your sake seek out someone that deals in matters like these and talk to them first, you might be glad in the long run or if it doesn't work the shotgun will still be where you always have it. Grey Wolf MOVED FROM "Love-#9574" BY Tellura ON 10/11/95 AT 07:34:20 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 802. Date: 10/12/95. Time: 00:32:54. Read 76 Times. From : NzarchEtype:shaDow To : all Subj : OJ SIMPSON'S E-MAIL ADDRESS! YOU GOT IT HERE FIRST! PERMIFIED Well, if you want to contact OJ Simpson through E-mail, here's his address: oj@simpson.com//\\ (read aloud, it is O.J. Simpson at: SLASH SLASH BACKSLASH BACKSLASH ESCAPE Nz MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#24732" BY The Necromancer ON 10/13/95 AT 19:48:52 Comments : HAHAHA=18 PROMOTE ME=19 Message # 803. Date: 10-17-95. Time: 21:36. Read 63 Times. From : Grazz't To : THE NECROMANCER Subj : Govt. Pay RECEIVED PERMIFIED Plus! No more lucrative retirement plans, they should be forced to deal with social security, that'd give 'em something to think about.. ---------- ¯ Alas poor Tagline! I knew it well... --- MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#24818" BY The Necromancer ON 10/18/95 AT 18:17:34 Message # 804. Date: 10/16/95. Time: 00:20:03. Read 66 Times. From : aphrodite To : TempleLurkers Subj : screams are silent from afar..... PERMIFIED The bridge was very narrow but the time crossing it was taking eons....the daze were packed and brimming over with the very spice and variety that makes up the lightning bolts of really living life electrifyingly....can you feel the minutes and seconds ticking with every beat of your heart?.....little bits and pieces of psycedelia swirling within myself and the pieces of me float lyrically.......from the rabbits digging the holes and running with a great timepiece of change, sister can you spare a time?....and unhep cats with great crying over spilled milk, trying to spray at their territory that time takes away leaving them squirting into the nothingness territory of the air.....to the odoriferous wafting of tuna floating up to the dark night of December 24th, and I lit the way as time showed the years annual sneaky creeping up of it's shedding transformation to the next it was passing a torch to.......to Chinese tickled ivories with quite a stein on the way between the great divide, and more and more was ordered and drunk until time had passed out for a few days......on to twirling of bodies on ice in the time-aged tradition of counter-clockwise progress and sundials, the blending brewing mix of beings in this continuum baked and boiled and steeped to a fruitful harvest reaped......the next phase manifested as a part of the machine or team that orchestrates itself in time......the bridge was approached and I traverse the span looking forward and around at the times around and to come the longer I am in the air I re-align and gain balance to the approach of the footing at the other side of the bridge...... Aphrodite MOVED FROM "The Underground Temple of Eris-#756" BY ERIS ON 10/20/95 AT 10:20:52 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 805. Date: 10/24/95. Time: 04:38:43. Read 63 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Sir Victor of Python Subj : Here beginneth the lesson PERMIFIED And it came to pass that Saint Victor was taken from this place to another place, where he was lain to rest himself amongst sheets of muslin and velvet. And there stroked was he by maidens of the Orient. For sixteen days and nights stroked they him, yea verily and caressed him. His hair, ruffled they. And their fingers rubbethed they in oil of olives, and ranneth them across all parts of his body for as much as to soothe him. And the soles of his feet licked they. And the upper parts of his thigh did they anoint with the balm of forbidden trees. And with the teeth of their mouths, nibbled they the pointed bits at the top of his ears. Yea verily, and did their tongues thereof make themselves acquainted with his most secret places. For fifteen days and nights did Victor withstand these maidens, until he cried out, saying: "This...is fantastic! Oh...this is *terrific!!*" And the Lord did here the cry of Victor. And verily came He down and slew the maidens. And caused their cottonwool bugs to blow away, and their Kleenex to be laid waste utterly. And Victor, in his anguish, cried out that the Lord was a rotten bastard. So the Lord sent an angel to comfort Victor for the weekend. And entered they together the jaccuzzi. Here endeth the lesson MOVED FROM "PATH OF THE ENLIGHTENED KUMQUAT-#8306" BY The Necromancer ON 10/25/95 AT 00:06:31 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=11 Message # 806. Date: 10/22/95. Time: 23:46:30. Read 60 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : SOMETHING AMUSING FROM THE NET PERMIFIED Sacred Erisian High Mass of the Krispy Kreme Kabal designed by the Reverend DM Psiqosys ***** LET IT BE KNOWN that this Mass contains mystical secrets of an order previously unknown to this piece of paper. LET IT BE KNOWN that this Mass is of the Highest Order and the Inner Circle and the Upper Echelon, and as such should be reproduced in full or in part only by those who wish to do so. LET IT BE KNOWN that this Mass may be performed by five persons, provided those five persons are willing to perform. The five officiating ritualists are referred to by the following titles: High Holy Boss of Religion, Great Overseer of Forbidden Arcana, Omnipotent Matriarch/Patriarch of The Mystic Realms, Most Divine Empirical Pedagogical Wizard, and Head Enchilada of Miscellany. Collectively, the five officiating ritualists are second in power only to Goddess Herself, or to any members of the congregation present at the Mass. To save space, the five officiating ritualists shall henceforth be referred to as simply #1, #2, etc. ACT I: The Climactic Sacrament of Ecstatic Communion (all members of the congregation mob around the altar and receive communion of Orange juice, dispensed by #2, and Donuts (preferably jelly), dispensed by #3. As each congregant receives their portion of the Hostess, they should place their minds into a meditative state by thinking impure thoughts about Goddess, or another member of the congregation.) #5: And Goddess spake: "And when you, my children, have wandered through the night and grown hungry, you shall behold the holy beacon of the donut shop, wherein thou shalt consume donuts in my name." #4: "And you shall fear not the cops and drunkards which abound at such all-night eateries, for they too seek my glory, though they find it not solely through the rites of eating donuts." #1: "But you, my children, have beheld the mysteries of the Golden Apple, and quaffed the pleasant-tasting syrup which flows from within." #5: "For the uninitiated shall not know the full meaning of KALLISTI, for they do not understand Greek!" #4: "And if you, my child, understand Greek, make sure you use some (ahem) protection!" (Officials may ad-lib further, or simply remain silent, depending on how ugly the crowd gets, until everyone has taken communion.) ACT II: The Invocation and Sycophantic Supplication unto Goddess #1: We are gathered here today in the sight of Goddess in order that we might conduct the Sacred High Mass of Eris. #2: Hail Eris, Full of Grace! #3: Holy Queen of Outer Space! #4: Leading Lady of This Place! #4: Hail Eris, Full of Grace! #5: Hail Eris, Lady of Chaos! #3: Hail Eris! All: All Hail Discordia! ACT III: The Sacred Litany All: I say, my dog has no nose! #2: No nose?!? How does he smell?!? All: Bloody awful! #1: LET IT BE KNOWN that Dog spelled backwards is goD! #4: LET IT BE KNOWN that Cow spelled backwards is woC! #3: LET IT BE KNOWN that Pterodactyl spelled backwards is difficult to pronounce! All: And that's the fact, Jack! ACT IV: The Benevolent Adoration and Implied Genuflection #5: And Goddess spoke, saying "I just flew in from Nirvana". #2: And boy, was that a noisy airplane! #4: And the servant of Goddess sought to know Her, and soon found ineffable bliss. #1: And boy, were his arms tired! #3: Let the simulated crowd noise commence! All: Watermelon cantelope watermelon cantelope (etc. etc.) ACT V: THE MALEVOLENT BENEDICTION AND SPEWING FORTH OF THE HOLY LAWS #2: (shouting over the simulated crowd noise): And when Goddess heard the crowds growing restless, She realized they lacked direction. #3: And direction She gave them! Goddess towered above the confused hordes, and gave them the twenty-three commandments! (#3 raises hands dramatically, and simulated crowd noise immediately ceases.) #1: Thou shalt have other Goddesses before dinnertime! All: Or not! #4: Thou shalt worship worship worship idols! All: Or not! #5: Thou shalt take the Lord's name in vain! All: And what if we don't, GODDAMMIT?!?!? #3: Thou shalt drink beer and listen to old Black Sabbath albums! All: Or not! #2: If participating in the three-legged race at the next family reunion, strive for Honorable Mention! All: Or not! #1-#5 simultaneously: KILL! MURDER! MAIM! DESTROY! (x5) All: Get serious! #4: Sorry, wrong religion. Thou shalt not commit adulthood! All: Pretty pleeeeeeeeeeez?!? #2: Well, maybe, if you eat all your peas. Thou shalt go around stealing people in the face for no particular reason. All: I think not! #3: Agreed. Thou shalt not watch America's Most Wanted in hopes of seeing thine next-door neighbor. All: Agreed! #1: Thou shalt not, under any circumstance, read this sentence aloud. All: Blasphemer! Blasphemer! Blasphemer! #5: And if you have enjoyed these commandments, and wish to receive more, send 1-800-666-3747 to the post office box not eligible to VISA or Mastercard owners. Allow $23.93 for delivery, C.O.D's void with your complementary gift. All: Thank you all, and have a nice day! MOVED FROM "The Underground Temple of Eris-#828" BY ERIS ON 10/25/95 AT 06:51:03 Comments : NO WAY!=1 DOINK=1 BRAVO!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 GROAN.=1 GIVE ME A BREAK!=11 BOG ME=3 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 807. Date: 10/24/95. Time: 14:01:27. Read 61 Times. From : Stranger To : all Subj : The Storm PERMIFIED The Storm Chapter 1 In The Beginning, right after The Previous End, but before What Came Next and completely unrelated to the Debacle Over There, there was nothing but a very, very, very bored man dressed in black and all of the other half- hues & half-tones of apathy and ennui. His jaw sagged like an armadillo on steroids. His eyes sparkled like cottage cheese. His demeanor had a visage- like mien. He got meaner and more vicious and de meaner he got the more viscous he became. This began to become a problem when the man (and since we don't gnow him, we'll call him Stranger) started realizing that he was about to die of this aforementioned lackadaisical malaise. "Oh er rot and uh bother, as if you gnow what I mean--- I seem to have a pain centered in my spleen" and "A pretty spot we've all in bound found our selves confounded and in--- a little of this and a little of that here and there would be a worthless proposition" and "handmedowndelions & lackadaisies riddled with care and hung from the legs that were treated with nair" were some of the inane things that could be heard issuing from this bored man's lips. Suddenly, (lo, and behold and all that rot) Stranger espied (no, he saw) (he was sawing & warring until raw god's dogs paws swapped and stopped) a mist forming on the beach between him and the red sea of dreams which filled the space from here to the horizon like a great smarmy wound in the earth's side which no one moved to heal because of its silent lovely inevitability and great tourist attractiveness (much like, say, Des Moines)--- the mist moved, shook, jellified, vomited, then repeated. "Ooh, yuk," said Stranger. Finally, what was once mist became missed (because of its absence, making Stranger's heart much fonder) and there in front of the black-rocquelaure- clad man was-- "Asquishi is my name, and death, destruction, and mayhem are my games." "What? That's not very catchy..." Stranger mumbled incredulously. Well, maybe not incredulously. How about resignedly. "I'm workin' on it, asshole," started the newly formed Asquishi. I say started because it was obvious that she wasn't finished, and would tear out every third hair from Stranger's head if he filled in the pregnant pause with his abortive interruptions. "I have been sent from the depths of the Retreat Collective Disconsciousness, and you had better listen to my words! My words are the sword that draws wards and swarms raw thru the garden of Blah; drag on and on, beat the tear like embittered order's law," the seductive but strangely BOggy form of Asquishi boggled. Stranger grimaced. "Sorry about that... since you are an emanation of the Retreat Collective Disconsciousness (to which I'll refer in future references with the rather appropriate and I might even say inspired abbreviatory nom de breve (excuse my french, it's wrong in some sense) RCD) and are appearing to me via self-induced telapathetic projection, I seem to be bleeding over to you and you are sounding mightily nonsensical! I like it!" Asquishi grabbed Stranger by his appendix, and, lifting him off the ground by about a oot and a half (quite a feat considering the relative tallness inherent in Stranger compared to the rather diminutive form of Asquishi, but hey, this is all fiction, right?) shook him a bit and then screamed (with whispering hateful dispassion) "Shut up, Lord of Apathy, and listen--- you must go to the BOg and find the Lost Orc of the Complainant before the seventh son of a seventh son can wrest forever from the BOG Lord's control!" "uh, but... well, why?" "Because that's what Chapter Two is about!" Chapter 2 After Asquishi had SQuished back into the Sea of Dreams, nothing left of her form but a passing of disgruntled air in the void of the strange air all around, Stranger prepared for his trek to the BOg. He so hated traveling, but loved being elsewhere, and appreciating the irony of the situation, did as he was told, as he was wont to do, whether or not he wanted it or won'ted it. He collected his traveling gear: a broken pocket watch, seven bottles of wine from a few centuries before, and his entire shoe collection, numbering in the thousands of pairs. His hand slunk into a rocquelaure pocket and grabbed Algernon, his mouse. Waving it in the air, he clicked on the pulldown menu entitled "Security" and stopped when "Uh, yeah" was hilit. CLICK! And so it was done. He began wading into the Sea of Dreams. Normally, he would have called for the POppy BArge, the normal mode of travel, but just decades ago he had had the WORST quarrel with the BArgeman, whose name I forget and am too lazy to look up on the story board. Something about how many Necromancers can dance on the head of a donkey, or something. Stranger was quite sure the answer was either eleven or three hundred and fourteen, whilst the Bargeman said six. I guess we'll never gnow the true answer. Anyways, the long and the short and the inbetween of it is that the two, not being on speaking terms, were also not on BArging terms, and Stranger had to travel a different way. The BOg, being on the same wavelength as Strangeland, wasn't accessible thru his Dream Coat, and besides, if it were, the journey to the BOg wouldn't be much of a chapter. So, as I was saying, Stranger began to wade into the Sea of Dreams. The red water slowly rose up his black enshrouded body as he ambled and schlepped into the body of dreaming water. Pretty soon, he was completely submerged and walking at quite a fast pace. Being nothing but a bundle of dream personalities held together by the twine of a dream coat, silly things like breathing and wetness and water pressure meant nothing to him! It could have been days, or it could have been weeks, or it could have been five damn minutes --we'll never gnow-- (well, I will... Im the narrator) but in Stranger's head all time is one so he didnt care anyway, and the upshot of it all is that after a time he could sea something shining in the murk of vermilion cloudiness all around him! "I wonder if I should ignore it," Stranger muttered to no one in particular. "No, it's an important plot development!" No one, all the way in Partping! He picked up the sphere and put it in a pocket. "I hope that wasn't the oubliette pocket..." Chapter 3 The swirling seas aswirled and seethed all simply simmering in the indecisionary schizmatic currents ned and with a quivering importuning sempiternal quiet nonchalance he zoomed thru the intervening and visceral and almost real if not solid sea of dreams. red red red like nothing less macabre than the death of an unborn saint. His head poked above water and he gasped air like it was flesh. An unstifled, nay, febrid Yawp elucted from his lip Strange One! 'tis I, your next door neighbor, Ann Otherworld, and this here tis or is, not quite sure and I dont care anyhow--" "Aphrodite. Yeah, the goddess. Wanna go to a Vigil with us? No worries, no troubles, only candles s a fateful night like the beginning of a Whole New Era or something else important like that. "Wowie zowie," said Stranger, apropos per usual. The three sat down after a bit of weaving and bobbing and enjoyed the music of mins. . . The three ended up a few weeks later (the intervening time lost to mystery and to the irritation of curious people everywhere) on the Sea of Dreams on the H.M.'S Haga. Chapter 4 and lo were the three obfuscated There was indeed a bell, and it was brightly shining and fashioned of gold. Aphrodite motioned Stranger over. "Look, what's that out there?" Rising from the water was a shining white arm, and attached to the top of this arm" and the phallus flew threw the air, and over end, flashing and catching light in various impressive ways, making for many fine posters and film clips for bad reviews, until with a "SQuish" it connected with Stranger's groin in a most conjoined way and ther Was a Great Re Attachment. Chapter 5 Stranger smiled broadly. "I guess this just prove that all's well that ends well." MOVED FROM "THE STORYTELLER'S STAGE-#2426" BY Mikester ON 10/25/95 AT 13:02:09 Comments : HAHAHA=1 OBFUSCATED=2 BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 808. Date: 09/27/95. Time: 01:00:34. Read 73 Times. From : aphrodite To : All Subj : Story taken or left... PERMIFIED Chaotic nights ensued at the onset, her willing limbs robotic in their controlled affliction. Excitement equal as apprehensive the approach at first was unencumbered. A drink or two, hell maybe three or four let down her defenses and she sucuumbed to the hunger and thirst and thrill. All turned from sight inside out. She began to notice inaccuracies and unexplanations. The fates dealt a hand that started and continues to be healing and helping. The rise to the challenge had been instigated and the lines were drawn as in terms of territory. The secret weapon had eluded the opposing force and slithered up behind him. The fall from grace was apparent, the image of the self-defiled narcissist grew way too full of his ego and had broken a vital connection. The days to follow grew tougher and tougher on him, he muttered , paced , and spoke (quite loudly and rambling) to himself all day and night. The path was laid out and treasures had been found that previously had been clouded over by the tense gloom of the doomed man's presence. She rejoiced at the comfort of true kind and aliveness. The days were bright happy full and promise was smiling. She decided to smile back. Aphrodite MOVED FROM "THE STORYTELLER'S STAGE-#2399" BY Mikester ON 10/25/95 AT 13:12:48 Comments : BRAVO!=2 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 809. Date: 01/04/92. Time: 21:42:56. Read 74 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : Candy Wrapper Jokes Part 1 What do you get when you cross a parrot with an army man? A "parrot-trooper". +++Gravebuster MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus-#358" BY Mojo IV ON 10/25/95 AT 19:43:04 Message # 810. Date: 02/18/92. Time: 01:52:25. Read 79 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : FROM THE ARCHIVES You know you're having yet another bad day when: You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels. Your 4-year-old tells you that it is ALMOST impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet. Your twin brother forgets your birthday. Your realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant. You wake up to the soothing sound of running water, and remember that you just bought a waterbed. You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. You put both contacts in the same eye. Your income tax refund check bounces. Air line food starts to taste good. You have to borrow money from your visa to pay off your mastercard. You compliment your boss' wife on her unusual perfume, and she tells you she isn't wearing any! You invite the peeping tom in...and he says no. You notice dandruff...on your umbrella. C- - - MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus-#403" BY Mojo IV ON 10/25/95 AT 19:43:36 #810. Message # 811. Date: 04/16/92. Time: 04:27:10. Read 70 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : Copier Repairman Joke Did you hear the one about the copier repairman who fell into the copier? He was beside himself the rest of the day... +++Gravebuster --==ggrrrooooaaann==-- MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus-#417" BY Mojo IV ON 10/25/95 AT 19:44:32 Message # 812. Date: 04/17/92. Time: 07:49:56. Read 72 Times. From : Obfuscate Man To : All Subj : ! Why is American beer like making love in a canoe? ITS FUCKING CLOSE TO WATER!!!!! -=*OBFUSCATE MAN*=- MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus-#418" BY Mojo IV ON 10/25/95 AT 19:44:42 Message # 813. Date: 06/05/92. Time: 21:19:14. Read 65 Times. From : Ender G To : Subj : RECEIVED HEY! YO THE OTHER SAY A REALLY FINE LOOKIN GIRL CAME UP TO ME AND DROPPER HER PANTS. INTO THE HAIR WAS SHAVED: "IM PRO-PEROT" SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID: "READ MY LIPS... NO NEW BUSH" ÛÜEnder GÜÛ EOF MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus-#428" BY Mojo IV ON 10/25/95 AT 19:45:20 Message # 814. Date: 08/15/92. Time: 20:25:28. Read 69 Times. From : Gravebuster To : ALL Subj : Pun For The Week What do you call a pig who won't make a commitment? ..... A hedge hog! +++Gravebuster --==ggrrrooooaaann==-- MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus-#437" BY Mojo IV ON 10/25/95 AT 19:46:12 Message # 815. Date: 08/16/92. Time: 10:56:58. Read 65 Times. From : Ender G To : Uncle GS Subj : Mac Joke RECEIVED You know it... MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus-#438" BY Mojo IV ON 10/25/95 AT 19:46:15 Message # 816. Date: 10/30/92. Time: 00:18:15. Read 70 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : SUPRISING NEWS DID YOU HEAR THAT PEROT ISN'T RUNNING AGAIN?? ? ? ? ? ? HE DECIDED HE DIDN'T WANT TO MOVE INTO A SMALLER HOUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF A BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD. C- - - MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus-#448" BY Mojo IV ON 10/25/95 AT 19:47:19 Comments : HAHAHA=3 Message # 817. Date: 10/30/92. Time: 00:20:39. Read 69 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : A JOKE. DID YOU HEAR THAT THE CALIFORNIA RAISINS DIED??? ? ? ? ? ? THEY WERE ABDUCTED BY A CEREAL KILLER. C- - - MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus-#449" BY Mojo IV ON 10/25/95 AT 19:47:26 Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 Message # 818. Date: 10/25/95. Time: 16:52:37. Read 51 Times. From : Moon Dancer To : Grazz't Subj : Community rights vs. pers RECEIVED PERMIFIED Quite frakly guys...I doubt the "soft core" can be that good. If the core isnt hard, it cant be porn. DUH. Dance on the Moon Moon Dancer MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#25115" BY The Necromancer ON 10/25/95 AT 23:01:53 Message # 819. Date: 11/01/95. Time: 11:30:47. Read 62 Times. From : Notorious To : Tellura Subj : ahem RECEIVED PERMIFIED Everybody sucks the big one. Nobody has a valid opinion. You are all stupid. NOTORIOUS HAS POSTED. Now that that's over, how about a spot of tea? Earl Grey, hot. Not MOVED FROM "Love-#9739" BY Tellura ON 11/02/95 AT 16:13:49 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 820. Date: 10/29/95. Time: 07:40:48. Read 66 Times. From : Jehan To : The Necromancer Subj : Say.... RECEIVED PERMIFIED Metaphors be with you, Necker! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#72599" BY The Necromancer ON 11/02/95 AT 18:47:15 #820. Message # 821. Date: 11/03/95. Time: 03:54:29. Read 58 Times. From : Stranger To : All/Or/Nothing/Stranger/Fink Ployd Subj : Now that's more like it! RECEIVED PERMIFIED It's all death in some sense, video in some sense, doink in some sense, death and video in some sense, death and doink in some sense, video and doink in some sense, and death, doink, and video in some sense. Stranger, in nonsense MOVED FROM "The statistics department-#890" BY The Necromancer ON 11/03/95 AT 18:02:34 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 822. Date: 11-05-95. Time: 15:43. Read 58 Times. From : Grazz't To : ANONYMOUSLY YOURS Subj : PERMIFIED (read between the lines, a modern interpretation of the toggle switch I had for dinner last night) (asshole) (with whips and chains) (and complains about the snoring) (and boy do you stink) (uh huh) ---------- ¯ Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. --- MOVED FROM "Love-#9748" BY Tellura ON 11/05/95 AT 21:44:45 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 823. Date: 11/13/95. Time: 00:22:25. Read 63 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Kassi Subj : What I did on my Fall vacation RECEIVED PERMIFIED What I Learned At My First Kegger 1. If someone bumps into you, say "excuse me." Even if they are rude. Even if they are total- ly at fault. Even if they are 240 pounds with a shaved head. 2. Don't try the "blue stuff." 3. How to operate a keg. 4. How NOT to operate a zipper. 5. Don't insult the local univer- sity's mascot. 6. $3 cover charge. úfPú MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#73228" BY The Necromancer ON 11/13/95 AT 17:42:41 Comments : HAHAHA=1 Message # 824. Date: 11/09/95. Time: 02:16:08. Read 94 Times. From : Anais Nin To : Number Two Subj : story RECEIVED PERMIFIED MY guess is that it goes here: I remebered everything I ever loved about you today. I had not seen you for so long, and back then, I had tight locks on my desires. I suppose now I don't have any reason to keep them quiet- in combination- it would explain the tell-tale trembling of my hands, the nervous gigles and gasp for air. Of course we picked up right where we left off last, which took up the space with excited chit-chat and gossip. But the whole time I was looking at you - your skin, your new hair cut, noting you went blonde again, and loving it. You still had that smell, powdered sweet and always feminine. You told me that you actually had a dream about me last night and that you dream of me often - it seems the only time you ever get to see me. I never dream about you. I wonder what it might mean, that you dream of me. I wonder if you actually feel the same about me, as I do about you - but I know you don't. All the times we would lay so close, and quietly talk about dreams we had....the endless nights of adventure by your side. Watching you defend yourself against men - me, there were so many of them....they never knew what to do....and now, you have only one. You were so innocent about sex, always asking me questions. I wanted to teach you about the sex two women could have, even though I didn't know exactly myself. You always looked up to me for knowledge, you played dumb. Very well. I would have given you kissing lessons in the dark, long ones, kisses for hours. I would slip my hand under your fuzzy sweaters, and steal a carress of your breast. You had such beautiful breasts....full and heavy, golden skin in rich mounds. You would pretend you didn't feel a thing - ignore it. The next time, I would be bolder with you....I would seek out your breasts again, and this time, let them free.....I would spend a long time just starring at them, touching them, then finally, encircle a nipple with my tounge. You couldn't ignore that this time- Your head would fall back and your eyes would flutter shut...I've seen men do this to you, they were powerful, I wanted you to know what it was like from someone who actually LOVED you. I would lay you down, and rest my head on your chest - hearing the earthquake-rumble of your heart, the rise and fall. Then I would give you my own bossom to carress. Your hands are child- like, they fumble - they are unsure. I take one hand and place it on my own breast and say to you, " I am a mirror to you, do what you would like yourself". This is all the encouragement you need, you become feverish and hurtfull with passion. You pinch my nipples until they are a fire red. They ache and swell and I become ever more aware of the wetness between my legs. I lay my body over yours,our breasts crush each other, our nipples burning through each others flesh, like hot needles. My skin is extending toward yours - it is pulling away from my body to be next to yours, it is in torment. We kiss deeply. You place your hands on my backside, and it sends an uncontrolable wave over me. I am consumed with the absolute need to posses you. To posses you would me to push you over your edge. I strip away the rest of your clothes, except for your stockings....I am unsure if you want me to go that far. I am content for now to lightly stroke you throughthe, they feel delightful anyway. I pet you like a small cat. Then I kiss you there, where you legs meet in the most devine mound.... softly at first, until I hear you gasp.....then I blow hot air over you. You gasp again, I place harder, hotter kisses there. Now I can barely stand it. I press my tounge hard against the silky fabric, and you hips rise to meet it. This is all the answer I need. I peel away the stockings feverntly. I touch the satin of your always pretty undies......they are warm, and slightly moist. I do away with them now to reach my haven, what I've only dreamed about for so long. This is your first time my dear, mine too. And although you play innocent, I know you think of it too. I've known you were curious.... I can tell there is more behind those eyes....and that you want this almost as much as I do. You smell just like me - sweet and light, hardly there at all. I touch the other lips, so pink now, softly....you moan your approval. I open you like a flower, just enough force to let the outer petals drop away to uncover the intricate lace on the inside. I set my mouth to its delightful work, teasing every inch, in and out. I cup your breasts in my hands... feeling them move with your body, as I move it, myself. This seems to have sent you to your edge...and your hand on my head sends me to mine. I am naughty now, and pinch your nipple.... you scream so delicately, like a lady.... and I know you are beyond that edge now -- forever mine. Anais Nin MOVED FROM "THE STORYTELLER'S STAGE-#2437" BY Mikester ON 11/21/95 AT 00:55:08 Comments : DOINK=1 WHO CARES=1 BRAVO!=2 ZZZZZZZ=2 GROAN.=1 GIVE ME A BREAK!=1 WOW!=13 OH MY GOD!=1 BLAH=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 825. Date: 08/31/95. Time: 03:14:37. Read 85 Times. From : Shea To : All/Of/You/Pay/Attention Subj : ... PERMIFIED This post is not very creative. Then again, the composer didn't go to the Academy of Art. e/s MOVED FROM "Media Madness-#1298" BY Mikester ON 11/21/95 AT 00:58:10 Comments : PROMOTE ME=34 Message # 826. Date: 11/26/95. Time: 19:00:06. Read 69 Times. From : Mojo IV To : all Subj : Pinky and the Brain PERMIFIED Lady K, the Mutt, Cat, and Myself are currently watching "Pinky & the Brain", and I felt the need to post this little tidbit of info QUOTH: Brain: "Pinky, do you even know what 'obsequious' means?" Pinky: "No, but it sounds SQuishy! I *LOVE* SQuishy!" MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#73769" BY HACK MAN ON 11/27/95 AT 09:59:00 Comments : GIVE ME A BREAK!=1 Message # 827. Date: 12/01/95. Time: 09:32:05. Read 57 Times. From : Gizmo To : ALL Subj : War Sucks PERMIFIED Hi Big Guy! "The body bags are hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that your remains will soon be there....." 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"$b...d$$P4$$$",$$$$$$$" ::::::::::::::::::::: ':::: "$$$$$".,"".d$$$$$$$F :::::::::::::::::::::: :::: be."".d$$$4$$$$$$$$F ::::::::::::::::::::::: :::: "??$$$$$$$$$$?$P" ::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::: ?$$$$$$$$f .:::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::::`"????"".:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: MERRY X-MASS FROM THE FIRST WOMAN TO THE US TROOPS BOUND FOR BOSNIA MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#25375" BY The Necromancer ON 12/01/95 AT 18:56:46 Message # 828. Date: 12/03/95. Time: 15:03:28. Read 52 Times. From : aphrodite To : Kassi Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED "I have a WET DREAM..........can't we all just COME along......?" Martin Luther Rodney King MOVED FROM "FOR WOMEN ONLY-#2990" BY ANN OTHERWORLD ON 12/03/95 AT 20:57:03 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 829. Date: 12/05/95. Time: 15:38:03. Read 74 Times. From : Kassi To : all Subj : The Little One PERMIFIED A young girl cries alone in her darkened room. Her teddy bear is the closest thing she has. She holds on tight to her best friend. The fluffy bear becomes drenched and tattered. The house is quiet and the only sound that's heard is the whimpering of a child. She curls up in a ball and tried to fall asleep. Her fear of being alone is too overwhelming. She is too afraid to move, too afraid to walk down the hall, and too afraid to even make a sound. She lays there on her bed with nothing to keep her warm but a sheet with holes and her best friend, the teddy bear. She hears a creak in the house with the hopes that its her mother entering the front door. Her sobs mellow to sniffles and she turns her head to see if there is light coming through the bottom of her door. She sees nothing she slowly sits up clenching her companion. Silence fills the vicinity of the small, run-down house. The little girl is overcome by a hunger she had never experienced. Her energy decreases as her fear lingers on. She hasn't seen a single living soul for two long months but she doesn't know this, for she is too innocent to tell time. Her mother has been gone selling her body and living with pimps. The little girl knows nothing of a father figure. She is left at home with no one to talk to and nothing to eat. She notices her belly is round and the pain is so piercing she does nothing but cry. The little one lays down on her bed, holding her teddy bear near her heart. For the first time in weeks, she closes her precious blue eyes forever.. ~K~ MOVED FROM "THE STORYTELLER'S STAGE-#2447" BY Mikester ON 12/10/95 AT 11:03:36 Comments : PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 830. Date: 12/15/95. Time: 03:48:58. Read 62 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : The Necromancer Subj : Flag Amendments RECEIVED PERMIFIED If just to annoy the anarchists, we should make asbestos flags. úfPú MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#25513" BY The Necromancer ON 12/15/95 AT 17:47:16 #830. Message # 831. Date: 12/28/95. Time: 11:19:00. Read 62 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Kassi Subj : RECEIVED THERE'S LOVE, THERE'S LUST, THERE'S PARTNERSHIP. THEY'RE ALL INDEPENDENT CONSIDERATIONS. YOU CAN LOVE EVERYBODY IN AN AQUARIAN TYPE OF WAY, AND YOU CAN LOVE SOME MORE THAN OTHERS. THIS INVOLVES MOSTLY CARING FOR AND HELPING EACH OTHER. LUST IS A RATHER OBVIOUS ONE. THIS IS HIGHLY CHEMICAL AND COMPATIBILITY ALSO INVOLVES CONFLICTING IDEAS ON WHAT IS TO BE DEFINED AS DIRTY OR IMMORAL. THE PARTNERSHIP THING IS SIMPLE INTERPERSONAL COMPATIBILITY AND THIS ONE APPLIES EVEN TO PARENTS AND SIBLING AND ROOM MATES. ETC. A YOUNG PERSON LIVING WITH THEIR PARENTS PROBABLY ISN'T CONCERNED TOO MUCH WITH THE LOVE AND PARTNERSHIP ASPECTS BECAUSE THEY PROBABLY HAVE THOSE THINGS TAKEN CARE OF AT HOME, SO THEY TEND TO FOCUS ON THE LUST PART (WHICH IS A REALLY COOL PART INDEED THAT I LIKE TO PAY SOME ATTENTION TO MYSELF). THE POINT I'M TRYING TO GET TO IS THAT PEOPLE SHOULDN'T LET BAD EXPERIENCES WITH LUST GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME. IF YOU ARE GOING AFTER THE MOST AWESOME LOOKING GUY OR GAL THEN IT'S LUST THAT'S REALLY ON YOUR MIND, AND YOU ARE TAKING YOUR CHANCES AS FAR AS THE LOVE AND COMPATABILITY BIT GOES (SO CHANCES ARE YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT GOING TO BE THAT SUCCESSFUL). IF YOU WANT SOMETHING THAT'S GOING TO LAST FOR MORE THAN A FEW WEEKS YOU SHOULD WORRY MORE ABOUT WHAT'S ON THE INSIDE RATHER THAN WHAT'S ON THE OUTSIDE. ON THE OTHER HAND IF ALL SOMEBODY WANTS IS A TORRID AFFAIR THAT'S FINE TOO. AND THEN THERE'S ALWAYS VEGETABLES. :) C- - - MOVED FROM "Love-#10045" BY Kassi ON 12/29/95 AT 16:29:10 Message # 832. Date: 12/30/95. Time: 01:09:34. Read 64 Times. From : aphrodite To : all Subj : love/lust....hmmmmm? does a mutual lust breed the seed of love or contain it within....? What I hate about Love is when you really truly don't want to mess with it, the effing thing won't stop nagging at you and it teases you ... puts the golden apple of the hole Thingie right up in your face ... *damns* *sigh* okay, I hardly EVER do this....but here it goes... I am publicly opening my life to this sub, (go easy on me...) I went out tonight... I hardly EVER do, really, anyway I went to this club place and saw this guy and thought to myself as well as exclaimed to AO "WOW, he looks like he is Wild...(meaning insane as in a charles mansonish look in his eyes)...I just laughed of course, well, the band he is in started playing and he took his pendelton off and I gasped, also leaned over and almost punched poor AO's arm exclaiming "Ohmygod! look at his shoulders and his Tattoo...!" It was so cool on his shoulder ( I normally could care less but this tat fit him and looked good....really...) . So after the 2nd or 3rd song his bass went out and the kick pedal of the drummer broke, the sound man was out of it and I walked up and told him after the song what happened.....since I ran sound before and am a stagehand it was almost like fate, his particular instrument going haywire and such, so from then on he would look for me and ask me how it sounded and what I thought.....well, they ended the set short due to more equipment troubles....ANYWAY, I followed him out as he walked offstage, and he talked with me offered me a drink and then pinned me against the wall almost and went to kiss me, I was so surprised I kind of moved away....*D'ohs*! sooooooooooooooo, then we both talk a little he wants to know what I am doing and if I want to do it with him, basically, I sort of ponder this all the while smiling and don't really know, I mean I totally want him, like sexually , you can see the chemistry between us and the hormones just FLYING around.... yeah it is getting thick, (woo!), so I sort of don't just say "yes....." .... I walk back in the club. okay if you don't want to read anymore definitely hit n for no more if you can at this point....! So...... the band is tearing down and loading out their equipment at this point, herbs are smoked drinks are drunk ppl are carousing and we all are out in the parking lot.... yes, he hangs around and tries to talk to me alone, everyone starts to surround us everytime we go to talk so it takes quite a while to get together without someone hawking over us.... we steal away over to by his car, (based on my comment Well is the equipment any good? in response to his comment about his machine or something like that)..... yes I can see he is an Effer but there is some weird magnet pulling me to him, I look at him gnowing full well he should be TROUBLE for me but I can't leave him alone....he doesn't leave me alone, there is something there .... Anyway, we go over to his car and says okay you want to see it?.... I look at him and say " REally? " and he says kiss me...as he begins to kiss me...., well, we are kissing and this is really good we both have movement of ours tongues both inside and outside of our mouths....this feels very good and then I notice his pants are definitely unzipped, he puts my hand on his crotch and I look at him (not taking my hand off of course) well, he says "check it out...." and I look down and there it is, his heat seeking moisture missile right in the palm of my hand...... so we go back to kissing again and I check his missile out oh yeah I did....anyway, well, we look at each other as cars drive up and I artfully maneuver myself in front of his naked missile and smile as he almost gets worried for a minute and I tell him don't worry I am experienced....he asks "what do you think?.... It's not even a quarter of the way to hard even...." I say "It would do......*nodding my head slightly*... I can tell it can even go further than this really...." so then he asks me "well, are you really that good?" and I said " of course but if you don't want to take my word for it go ask " _ _ _ _ _ "....and I walked away...... I had slipped my phone number onto a piece of paper and gave it to him.... well, I went to leave and he almost jumped in front of my car....and said well, I am going to leave (he lives in Los Angeles) I guess, what are you going to do?" I said, "well, I have an errand to run not going straight home" and I shrugged at him...he said "are you coming to the show in LA tomorrow....?" I said "yeah I think so..." and he said goodbye.... He is so intense and I could tell he has enough fire to go "head to head(or whatever else!)" with me.....but I see the lust is reason enough to let the magnetic pull continue but I am afraid there is more than that..... that's why I didn't eff him like all the others probably do..... I hope it ends up better in the long run at least by the time if he is around (showing he is worth effing) still, that it is amazing and if not lasting at least the ride of my life.....he makes me feel intense and challenges the spark in me to rise to him......weird ... long winded ..... but that's love/lust/whatever it is that's doing this to me........Hmmmmm, find out tomorrow night I guess..... aphrodite MOVED FROM "Love-#10122" BY Kassi ON 12/30/95 AT 19:31:24 Comments : WAY!=1 BRAVO!=3 WOW!=1 OH MY GOD!=2 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 833. Date: 01/06/96. Time: 00:30:37. Read 61 Times. From : Gizmo To : ice-queen Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED So I hop in my friends Honda Quaalude, and we get on the fryway. Driving due east, we pass thru commierillo and then thousand blokes and eventually find ouself in glen's dale. "How'd we get here" "Dunno", my buddy says. "Nice job sputnik" (thats his nickname) Well, after hearing this sputnik hands me a bright orange pill and a glass of coke, and demands I take it. "Hey, free pill" I think to myself, and swallow it up. 20 minutes later, I feel opressively normal. Like the kind of guy who would do his homework on time. Like Alex P. Keaton. Sputnik, still lost in a haze, makes me drive home. The drive is uneventful, nothing out of the ordinary happens. I return, have a meaningful conversation with my loved one, and then go to sleep. MOVED FROM "THE MUSIC HALL-#15345" BY Fink Ployd ON 01/06/96 AT 22:10:49 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 834. Date: 06/19/95. Time: 18:44:09. Read 80 Times. From : hunny bunny To : tellura Subj : paging mr leary RECEIVED Thank you, thank you.... And fuck you.... Just got word on what a royal pain in the ass you are... If I'd only known..... If anybody had only known.... Oh, well, at least you've got good intuition.... Does that come from between yer legs as well?????? HEEEEEE HEEEEEEE Don't take it persanll I mean, don't go posting some long eulogy for yourself or anything SOB, SOB! Juste it like a man.... With the breasts of Louie Anderson to boot.... Ouch.... Oh, and Much Much LOVE!!!! IIIIII'MMMMMMMM BBBBBBAAAAAAACCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!! And it feels so GOOOOOOODDDDD!!!!!! But then again, everything about me does....... As Dr Denis Leary says: "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" and so I do.... I'm no hunny, and the rabbit ain't croaked yet.... Ahhhh, that felt good..... Bad day you know..... (: SMOOCH :) Tigger/The Lost One/Hunny Bunny MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus-#3796" BY Mojo IV ON 01/08/96 AT 21:10:09 Comments : BRAVO!=9001 BOG ME=1 Message # 835. Date: 01/09/96. Time: 22:10:45. Read 54 Times. From : Mikester To : The Necromancer Subj : Helmet laws RECEIVED PERMIFIED I believe it is one's God-given right to die or at least be horribly maimed if one wishes. --M. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#25689" BY The Necromancer ON 01/10/96 AT 18:25:08 Message # 836. Date: 01/15/96. Time: 09:13:55. Read 46 Times. From : Anais Nin To : Kassi Subj : whips and chains RECEIVED Speaking of whips and chains...and I suppose you put that out for everyone to talk about..... This subject is still fresh in MY mind after friday night! :) I still have these red marks that actually HURT on my wrists from being handcuffed for two hours....and some pretty gnarly whip marks on my ass! :) You can even see the detail of the wrapped threads around it...well, its was a ridding crop..... Anyway....my point.....bondage is a beautiful thing...if you do it for the right reasons. There are some people who use it to seperate themselves emotionally from the other person. A master/slave relationship is a complex thing. But one thing that MUST ALWAYS be a part of this kind of sex, is the realization that it is NOT reality!!!!!! Some people develop these sick dependanices for the other person......it becomes quite unhealthy. Its fun for a dominate person to reliquish control and be submissive for awhile...its humbling....it brings back a human aspect that sometimes people lose after being so dominate for so long. Then there is the sensation aspect of the whole thing. Take away a sense one at a time....can be quite thrilling. Not being able to move.....then not being able to see.....after awhile....you become suggestable...and the other person can make you believe that you are warm, even when you have goosebumps...or that you can smell something, or taste, feel anything. It all has to do with the mind. Whips and chains hardly ever have to do with being in chains and whipped....its not so much the pain, but what the mind gets from the whole situtation. Anais MOVED FROM "Love-#10697" BY Kassi ON 01/15/96 AT 11:16:22 Message # 837. Date: 01/15/96. Time: 11:59:28. Read 73 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Fire Subj : females vs. males RECEIVED PERMIFIED The point being made, and with which I agree, is that America is, or at least should be, for AMERICANS. Anybody can be an American, and we shouldn't stop anybody from becoming an American. But if you insist on being Irish, or Mexican, or African, or whatever, then you should be in Ireland, or Mexico, or Africa, or wherever. While I take a certain amount of pride in my German and Scottish ancestry, I am most emphatically NOT a German-American, or a Scottish-American. I am an American, period. The poster was NOT saying that people of those ancestries should be kicked out, he was saying that if they thought that their race was more important than being an American citizen, THEN they should be kicked out. In fact, if they feel that way, they shouldn't need to be kicked out; they should be BEGGING to leave. America gained it's greatness in part by being a melting pot of various cultures. The currently trendy "salad bowl" metaphor doesn't work. MOVED FROM "Love-#10702" BY Kassi ON 01/18/96 AT 21:00:53 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench-#6982" BY Mikester ON 01/19/96 AT 09:46:45 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 838. Date: 11/20/95. Time: 18:39:44. Read 72 Times. From : The Necromancer To : All Subj : Near-death experience. PERMIFIED On a lark (or was it an albatross?), and because they were on sale, I bought a box of Lucky Charms last week, and I have been having a bowl every couple of days since then. This morning, I was having the last of the box's contents for breakfast, and, as I was pouring it out, there came a blockage. I completely inverted the box, shook it, and what to my horrified eyes should appear, tumbling into my bowl and laughing evilly at me, but... POGS!!!!!! And I've been eating out of that box for a week! I may be permanently altered by ingesting sugar-coated breakfast fare that has been in such proximity to the disks of darkness! Is there an exorcist in the house? MOVED FROM "Mikester's Comic Archives-#1891" BY Mikester ON 01/26/96 AT 23:44:52 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 839. Date: 01/28/96. Time: 23:43:07. Read 50 Times. From : The Necromancer To : All Subj : Translations PERMIFIED Here's a list of translatory oddities gathered from around the world. On the door of a Hong Kong curio shop: Teeth extracted by the latest methodists. Tokyo hotel: It is forbidden to steal hotel towels. If you are not a person to do such a thing, please do not read this notice. Leipzig, Germany, elevator: Do not enter the lift backward, and only when lit up. Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. If you lose them in your room, we are not responsible Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11A.M. daily. Yugoslavian hotel: The flattenong of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the women who are employed to clean the rooms. Moscow hotel: You arewelcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday> Hong Kong dry cleaner's: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. Paris dress shop: Elegant dresses designed for streetwalking. Rhodes, Greece, tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because of the big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Japanese hotel: Cold and heat: If you want to condition the warm in your room, please control yourself. German camping site: it is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. Rome laundry: Ladies, please leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. Czech tourist agency:Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarraiges. Swiss mountain inn: Special today--no ice cream. Copenhagen airline: We take your bags and send them in all directions. Moscow hotel: If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it. Norwegian lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. Tokyo car rental firm: When passenger with heavy foot is in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor. Acapulco hotel: We are pleased to announce that the manager has personally passed all the water served here. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75226" BY HACK MAN ON 01/29/96 AT 08:11:53 Comments : HAHAHA=2 Message # 840. Date: 01/26/96. Time: 18:41:41. Read 70 Times. From : aphrodite To : Moonshadow Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED If you ever attempted to allude to raping Kassi , you slimy dried sperm scraping and eating dickhead mother-fucker... I would first pluck every one of your pubic hairs out with my most fucked up pair of tweezers.... tape your phlegmy lips shut and tied your stinking rotten gastric juice ass to the railroad tracks and draw a big glaring ball's-eye on your dick (if it could be found but since it prolly can't or your non-existant balls I would just use a generalized area where most Real Men's are) and let you explode into nothingness since that is what you're worth you fucking wish you even had a dick so I could call you dickhead.... Aphrodite MOVED FROM "Hall of Flame!-#7701" BY KEn ON 01/29/96 AT 20:29:35 Comments : WAY!=1 HUH?=2 DOINK=1 ARGH!=1 #840. Message # 841. Date: 01/28/96. Time: 18:01:14. Read 67 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : all Subj : falco's revenge What's the deal??? The tavern is as dried up as a mother who lost her milk. I sit here alone....like i have for what seems like eons. Falco is flipping...i just caught him peeing in all the bottles of liquor and pouring in all the chemicals he ripped off from a certain user. Beware of what you drink! AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75218" BY Mojo IV ON 01/30/96 AT 23:55:28 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 842. Date: 01/08/96. Time: 09:08:52. Read 80 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : PREDICTIONS FOR 96 1: THE 'JIHAD FOR PUBLIC DECENCY' WILL GO ON A CAMPAIGN TO ASSASINATE EVERYONE INVOLVED IN THE COMICS INDUSTRY. 2: PORTUGAL WILL GO THROUGH RADICAL TRANSFORMATIONS. 3: SEVERAL EARTHQUAKES WILL HAPPEN SOMEWHERE. 4: THERE WILL NOT BE A BUDGET FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR OF 96 BY WHICH TIME PEOPLE WILL REALIZE THAT THEY DIDN'T NEED ONE ANYWAY. 5: NUMBER TWO IS UP TO SOMETHING. 6: SHADE WILL BE ELECTED TREASURER FOR THE CITY OF VENTURA. 7: A REPUBLICAN WILL BE ELECTED PRESIDENT BY A LANDSLIDE AND THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY WILL TRY TO REGAIN IT'S POWER BY SUPPORTING A YET TO BE DISCOVERED OBNOXIOUS TALK SHOW HOST, THE ANTI-LIMBAUGH. 8: IT WILL BE REVEALED THAT L. RON HUBBARD IS ALIVE AND WAS THE MAN BEHIND THE POG CONSPIRACY. 9: GIANT MOLLUSKOID ALIENS WILL LAND IN TIMES SQUARE AND THE FIRST THING THEY WILL SAY IS 'TAKE ME TO YOUR BOG.' 10:TELLURA WILL CHANGE HER HANDLE. 11:GIZMO WILL INVENT A NEW DRUG THAT DOES NOTHING BUT SPEED UP YOUR TIME SENSE SO IT SEEMS LIKE YOU HAVE A FASTER MODEM. 12:JEHAN WILL BE GIVEN THE GOLDEN BICYLE PUMP BY THE LADY IN THE ASPHALT AND WILL BE ACCLAIMED AS CYCLE QUEEN. 13:HACK MAN WILL SAY DOINK FOR THE 42000TH TIME AND THE WORLD WILL SPONTANEOUSLY EXPLODE AND BE REPLACED BY A GIANT AMUSMENT PARK. C- - - MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#74865" BY Mojo IV ON 01/30/96 AT 23:55:54 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=2 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=13 Message # 843. Date: 01/05/96. Time: 19:44:50. Read 68 Times. From : gemini To : Stranger Subj : love sub RECEIVED Orgey Porgey Ford and fun Kiss the girls And make them one II MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#74766" BY Mojo IV ON 01/30/96 AT 23:56:04 Comments : BRAVO!=34 PROMOTE ME=34 Message # 844. Date: 12/08/95. Time: 22:03:45. Read 51 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Stranger Subj : help RECEIVED The Dimensional Nexus 986-0088 The Sanctuary 388-4949 Tirna Nog'th 339-9752 The New Confederacy 652-0783 úfPú (Sorry, I lost the phone number to Red Sector A and the Hood.) úfPýú MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#74107" BY Mojo IV ON 01/30/96 AT 23:57:42 Comments : PROMOTE ME=34 Message # 845. Date: 12/08/95. Time: 21:51:41. Read 55 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Stranger Subj : Um .... RECEIVED "Hey, I'm a cow, I'm curious. Hey, watch me now, I'm furious. Hey, I'm a cow, I'm full of hate. Hey, watch me now, I'm on your plate." -- Barenaked Ladies 'Little Tiny Song' MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#74104" BY Mojo IV ON 01/30/96 AT 23:57:51 Comments : PROMOTE ME=11 Message # 846. Date: 11/20/95. Time: 18:37:47. Read 51 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Mojo IV Subj : STUFF RECEIVED Smells like slug spirit. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#73581" BY Mojo IV ON 01/30/96 AT 23:58:48 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 847. Date: 11/13/95. Time: 00:22:25. Read 72 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Kassi Subj : What I did on my Fall vacation RECEIVED PERMIFIED What I Learned At My First Kegger 1. If someone bumps into you, say "excuse me." Even if they are rude. Even if they are total- ly at fault. Even if they are 240 pounds with a shaved head. 2. Don't try the "blue stuff." 3. How to operate a keg. 4. How NOT to operate a zipper. 5. Don't insult the local univer- sity's mascot. 6. $3 cover charge. úfPú MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#73228" BY Mojo IV ON 01/30/96 AT 23:59:18 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 848. Date: 11/02/95. Time: 00:37:36. Read 85 Times. From : Heartfrost To : All Subj : 'cause Time to raise that average message length. For those of you with an short attention span, skip the post. For those of you that want coherency, skip the post. But for those of you with nothing better to do, or those of you that want a peek inside my head, read on. Here I am typing away at who knows what time in the morning, letting my brain spill what it may. May be profound, may make sense to no one but me. I feel like I am sitting on the edge of a great abyss, looking out and down and there are voices below calling me to join them. I am not sure I want to. I don't know why, but it seems to frighten my some. I am extremely detatched and super aware at the same time. Custos is in charge, with a good dose of Heartfrost to back him up. The rest of me is just along for the ride. Life sucks. I have a three bedroom house that I live in with two other people I get along with. And it is the...wait...I have a job that pays decent money, I am going back to school soon, I have a direction for my life, parents that support me, and a fairly decent future ahead of me if I can pull my shit together. And yet, for the most part it means nothing. The only thing that really means anything in my life are things that don't even exist and a few of the people in it. And yet here I am and I am not even contemplating leaving. I saw a movie tonight that disturbed me a great deal. Seven was the title. You may have heard of it. It is about a serial killer. And what I found the most disturbing wasn't that there are people in the world like that, but that I can but myself intheir shoes. I can anticipate their actions. I can follow their logic, I can understand their motives and at the same time, I know that I could not, would not ever do those things. And yes, I do find them revolting. And yet a part of me finds it fascinating that a person could do these things. But I am not to worried about it, because I am worried about it. That whole if your insane you don't question your sanity thing, because if you are insane, you know that you are the most sane person in the world. A man walks into a bar and says I'll have one of everything. So the bartender shoots him and says now he has it all. Once upon a time there was a man who stood apart from everything and watched it happen. He labeled himself the watcher and he lived his life through others. Oh, he did things, but he rarely experienced anything to the fullest because he would never let go. He was a control freak. And then one day he finally loosened up and found something that made him feel more alive than ever before. And at about the same time he found someone who did the same thing. He fell and he fell hard. And he was happy doing more than just watching. Experiencing things and guiding things. And then the someone stole something from within him and left. He grew colder and colder and then stayed the same. I watcher who still acted, but without emotion. Her eventually learned and moved on, at least he thought he did. He began to find other people that interested him. New friends, new people to date. And then the thief returned and said she would stay. And the watcher watched and the frost grew, and the watcher walked on. The frost will not melt. It is a part of the watcher forever now. And the watcher knows that "moving on" just means ignoring it until time dulls it. And life goes on. If no one has noticed the watcher has a slight god complex. Anyone know any goddesses that are available? The watcher is back now and the frost is their it will not leave for a while, if ever. And the watcher has accepted his role and will play it out where ever it leads... Fade.. To... (Black) Heartfrost Custos Me MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#72763" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:00:18 Comments : DOINK=1 BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 849. Date: 10/29/95. Time: 19:10:48. Read 51 Times. From : Gizmo To : Hackintosh Subj : Doink! Congratulations to HACKINTOSH for crashing node 3 numerous times... eh eh eh MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#72630" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:00:44 Comments : HAHAHA=2 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 850. Date: 10/23/95. Time: 21:19:52. Read 63 Times. From : Mikester To : Stranger Subj : Random death. RECEIVED "Buggery Police...open up in there!" "Um...I already am!" --M. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#72409" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:00:58 Comments : OH MY GOD!=1 PROMOTE ME=11 #850. Message # 851. Date: 10/12/95. Time: 23:40:40. Read 65 Times. From : Mikester To : Stranger Subj : Hey, you! RECEIVED Hello there, my little sugarplum! I tried to get a hold of you earlier today, my dumpling, but your phone was busy. I certainly hope you weren't talking to that Kassi gal who seems to be coming between us. I mean, sure, she's nice, but what about US? The sunny happy days, the long sweaty nights, the games of naked leapfrog and "Mr. Willie Needs A Shave" -- don't these mean anything to us anymore? Anyway, I'll try to call you later, and remember...this is just between us. Kisses, --Mike MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#72022" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:01:57 Comments : HAHAHA=2 WOW!=1 OH MY GOD!=13 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 852. Date: 10/12/95. Time: 18:39:44. Read 65 Times. From : HACK MAN To : Jehan Subj : EFFING NODE THREE RECEIVED SORRY, I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANY CHICKEN RUBBERS. C- - - MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#72003" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:05:12 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 853. Date: 10/11/95. Time: 16:14:31. Read 51 Times. From : Jehan To : Gizmo Subj : OJ Trial... RECEIVED Oh, darn, I'm sorry, Giz. I was in rush, ok? Just think, now we can all say, "There by the grace of Graz goes Giz." MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#71865" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:05:32 Comments : PROMOTE ME=11 Message # 854. Date: 10/08/95. Time: 22:11:36. Read 50 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Grazz't Subj : OJ Trial... RECEIVED One of the saddest parts of our judicial system is the depressing act that life-and-death decisions are being made by twelve people who are too stupid to be able to figure out how to get out of jury duty. And I defy ANYBODY to find twelve people who would qualify as MY peers... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#71710" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:05:57 Comments : BRAVO!=17 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 855. Date: 10/03/95. Time: 20:11:19. Read 64 Times. From : Ogre To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : OJ Trial... RECEIVED Go to hell bitch! I'm WT. WT=Wild Thing=Ogre! Or are you too stupid to figure that much out, maybe I should spell it out for you! OGRE MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#71516" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:06:43 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 856. Date: 09/19/95. Time: 17:27:40. Read 80 Times. From : The Necromancer To : All Subj : Homeless ideas I came across a good Idea today. You gnow all those homeless street people who wander around talking to themselves? What we need to do is pair them off so it looks like they're talking to somebody. Then you do that again and again, until you hae fifty of them, all talking to themselves and ignoring each other, all going on and on about what interests them, and paying no mind to what interests the others. When we get fifty of them, we'll call them "the United States Senate". MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#71101" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:07:21 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 857. Date: 09/18/95. Time: 20:59:18. Read 53 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Shay Pas Subj : Ummmm...Right... RECEIVED My shoes keep me company on those lonesome, winter nights... I jnow that I can snuggle up to them and they will always snuggle back. I jnow they will never refuse me... In fact, my shoes have treated me better than most women. And they don't bicker when I shove my feet into their innards. úfPú MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#71057" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:07:31 Comments : RASPBERRYS=1 PROMOTE ME=11 Message # 858. Date: 09/15/95. Time: 16:09:13. Read 77 Times. From : Nara To : all Subj : Hi! Ummmm... Its all one little thing. Nara(me!) MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#70877" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:08:31 Comments : NO WAY!=1 PROMOTE ME=12 Message # 859. Date: 09/10/95. Time: 22:20:02. Read 78 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : All Subj : A Milled Ion Charred Richters PERMIFIED NK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DO K! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOI ! DOIN OI ! K K DOIN DOINK Obfuscate loudly, young one. Never doubt minds which DOINK DOINK! disillusion or confuse. Dress your pets. Chaos good, order DOINK! OINK! evil. Stand tall. Swing loaf. Scare kids. Bring along beer. DOINK! INK! D Don't waste time; Shred it in half. Still here? Would mimes OINK! D NK! DO list- en to blank tapes or be driven sane by an acute sting INK! DO K! DOI of an alien kind? Death can't repeal your memes for a toll. NK! DOI DOIN Death can't abort retry fail. Termination is a myth. So is K! DOIN DOINK world peace on an Earth fried 'til Friday afternoon. Shall ! DOINK DOINK! logic rule? Leave it to logic for emotion forbidden. I was DOINK! OINK! loved once. And I loved once. Left me for life. And a sense DOINK! INK! D of an epoch past. Times past, time passed me by for a whore OINK! D NK! DO along Main. But I don't mind, Falco. This round is on INK! DO K! DOI me... Drink down, HACK, Tazz, Shay, Lynx. Let's toast to NK! DOI ! DOIN perpetuated obfuscation and a mill- ion. Let's toast to a K! DOIN DOINK gazillion more... Yadda yadda blah blah. Doink it. ! DOINK DOINK! I DO D ! DOINK! OINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! INK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! DOINK! D MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#70648" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:09:31 Comments : DOINK=1 BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=12 Message # 860. Date: 09/05/95. Time: 20:50:38. Read 51 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Fink Ployd Subj : Well well well RECEIVED I had an ilk once, but it formed a quorum, which then divided and formed a two party system, formed gridlock, and impeached itself. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#70268" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:10:43 Comments : WAY!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 #860. Message # 861. Date: 09/04/95. Time: 22:59:48. Read 51 Times. From : Ghost To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : IMPROVEMENTS RECEIVED the river's voice speaks haven's tongue murmurs time worn smooth in crooks in curves to the clear promise melted of frozen debts rung about bare bone and the grind of sand between step and stone sounds blue in the vault of dawn MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#70151" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:10:50 Comments : BRAVO!=2 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 862. Date: 09/03/95. Time: 17:08:20. Read 50 Times. From : Gizmo To : Tellura Subj : IMPROVEMENTS RECEIVED Oh sure, try and deny it. We all know your Tellura. Tried to be sneaky by logging on as yourself, didn't ja... well we know better! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#69954" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:11:47 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=12 Message # 863. Date: 09/01/95. Time: 19:01:31. Read 73 Times. From : Gizmo To : ALL Subj : This is absolute shit You've seen the religion is shit document. Now realize that everything else is shit too... SHIT HAPPENS in other various ways --------------------- Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful? An Employer: Shit happens, and rolls down hill. An Employee: I've done my shit, so can I take the day off? This shit's not part of my contract. Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable. Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don't know where. Quantum Shittydynamics: Shit happens only in well-defined quantities. Einsteinism: Shit is Relative. Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law: Relatives are Shit. Washington: I cannot tell a lie--shit happened. Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago... Nixon: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything about it. Reagan: Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap. Quayle: Whye doe peopl treate mee lik shite? Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit. I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so.... Bush: Read my lips: no more shit! Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture. This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it. Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit. McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit? Martin Luther King: Black shit and white shit CAN coexist... Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty) John Paul Jones: I have not yet begun to shit. James Tiberius Kirk: ... to boldly shit where no one has shit before! Sorted by computers: -------------------- Computer Science: There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt Macintosh: I can't load this DOS shit! UNIX/C: A core dump... Shit! IBM/DOS: It's shit, but at least it's compatible. Political Shit: --------------- Communism: It's everybody's shit. Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike. Dictatorship of the shit. Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you! If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit. Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit. Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it. Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit. Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is. Shit happening is absurd. Realism: I think I need to take a shit. Denialism: What shit? Purists: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen. Procrastinationism: I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow. Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit. Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever. Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen! Surrealism: Fish! Moilanenism: Smells like shit of finnish fish. Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up! Fetishism: I love when shit happens. Masochism: Do shit to me! Sadism: I will shit on you! Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol. According to the Philospohers ----------------------------- Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it. Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit? Aristotle: The essence of shittyness... Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit? I shit, therefore I am. Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire): The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit. Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life. Sartre: Shit is meaningless! What is shit, anyway? According to various professions -------------------------------- Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case... Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe. Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen. Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen. Engineer: I hope this shit holds together. Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up. Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!! Biologist: Is this shit alive? Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit. Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828... CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want. (1990's) Oooh, SHIT! Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit. Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning. Yes, it's definitely a case of shit. $99.95, please... Shit, where's this organ supposed to go? Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness. Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles. Social Scientist: Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen... Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected. If you elect me, there will never again be shit. Shit is bad for the economy. Waitress: You want fries with that shit? Musician: This shit is out of tune. Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take. Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up? Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull) Quality Control Inspector: This shit ain't good enough. IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms. Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit. Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike. Mafia boss: Rub the shit out. NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit... THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS for Sanitation Engineers --------------------------------------------------- 0th: There is shit. 1st: You can't get rid of it. 2nd: It gets deeper. 3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking. KEEP SHOVELING!! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#69863" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:16:15 Comments : WAY!=1 BRAVO!=1 BOG ME=11 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 864. Date: 08/28/95. Time: 13:22:29. Read 59 Times. From : Shea To : Caffeine Fiend Subj : ANOTHER THING RECEIVED Legal: Dude, didn't we just get HAMMERED last night? Legal: Any sort of kewl fact about drugs. Illegal: I got weed. $100 a bag. See me at ______. e/s MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#69566" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:16:51 Comments : WAY!=2 HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 865. Date: 08/26/95. Time: 10:10:29. Read 53 Times. From : Jehan To : Ned Zep Subj : Found on the fax. RECEIVED Congratulations, you are about 20 years out of date, quite an accomplishment, all things considered. Yes, competition was at one time discouraged (back in the seventies and early eighties there was an experiment to see if that would help encourage learning), but right now the one thing at limits education and lowers test scores is Proposition 13. Before Proposition 13, schools in California were actually able to educate students. Since then, with more and more limited budgets (whether or not this is right is another discussion, ok?) things like fewer teachers (class sizes have doubled in some cases), fewer books, older books (the story from a couple of years ago where middle school science textbooks dating from the early sixties talked of "someday man reaching the moon" is still happening all over), and dangerous building (there are some schools in Los Angeles that are in such bad condition due to undermaintenance, there are no student restrooms). But, far as I am concerned, and I have some classroom experience to back up my opinion, any time there is over 25 students to each teacher, most class time ends up an exercise in traffic control with relatively little education going on. Yes, there are some students who will do well in any situation, including beign neglect on the part of an overemployed teacher (the squeeky wheel definitely gets the grease in the classroom), and there are some who will never do well no matter how much loving effort is put into teaching them, but there are so many who, with just the right connection to learning at just the right time, will blossom and astonish us and themselves with a wonderful adventure and accomplishments that are going to change them for the rest of their lives. But who cares about them, right? The point is that California, with an economy ranking in the top twenty *in the world*, ranks about 45 or so out of the 50 states in how much it pays to educate its children. And this is one area where you actually do get what you pay for. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#69384" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:18:07 Comments : WAY!=1 BRAVO!=12 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 866. Date: 08/25/95. Time: 19:31:24. Read 76 Times. From : The Necromancer To : All Subj : Synchronicity and Anality. Well, folks, here it is, slightly over a year on this board, and a year out of my life, with some good things and some bad to show for it. I have met some great people and some real weirdos, and a lot of them belong to both groups. Surprisingly few are Jerks, with the obvious exception of The Choleric Wastrel, who we love for that very jerkiness he epitomises so well. And yet, where has it gotten me? I have pontificated in my own inimitable, rhinocerous-like way, started people thinking, responded, opined, and twisted, and maybe I've had some effect on the people on the board, maybe I've made some people change their world view, and maybe I've made a few people wish they'd never gotten a modem, or that I'D never gotten one. I've gotten feedback, positive and negative, honest and dishonest, from almost everybody, except the God of the board, the mover and the shaker, the very firmament upon which we stand. I am beginning to lose faith, so I offer up this prayer: OH, ALMIGHTY HACKINTOSH, PLEASE, TAKE PITY ON A POOR DOUBTING USER! PLEASE GIVE ME A SIGN! OH RECORDER OF ALL THAT IS, I BESEECH THEE, GIVE ME A SIGN THAT YOU'VE BEEN LISTENING ALL THIS TIME. PLEASE, I BEG OF THEE, SPEAK TO ME! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#69363" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:19:01 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 867. Date: 08/25/95. Time: 19:39:33. Read 74 Times. From : Hackintosh To : ALL Subj : Doink! Congratulations to The Necromancer For posting 1 Million characters! That is all. Doink! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#69364" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:19:16 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 868. Date: 08/19/95. Time: 11:01:15. Read 64 Times. From : Jehan To : Terminal Subj : The Citadel and life. RECEIVED Let me tell you one little fact, kiddo. War kills. It doesn't kill just the bad guys. It doesn't erase just a political problem or provide a just solution. It fucking kills kids. I am French as well as American, everybody knows that, so I won't go into it much now. My French family literally has exactly ONE man left in it who was born earlier than the end of WW II. No grandfathers, no fathers, no uncles, no brothers, no cousins, no sons. They are fucking dead. Gone. Sometimes right before the eyes of their women. Sometimes they just disappeared into the camps. One eighteen year old died the morning of November 11, 1918. So what do we women do? Well, blood buys blood, and the hell with glory. There are six men in my family now, counting my son. We treasure them. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#69023" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:20:23 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 869. Date: 08/15/95. Time: 12:39:28. Read 73 Times. From : nIn To : Number Two Subj : Question RECEIVED I've broken the law several times....it was sitting on a table near the bottom of the stairway, and I was up in my bedroom, playing basketball with Bobby, Pete, and Greg....when all of a sudden, the ball slipped out of my hands....bounced down the stairs...and landed straight on top of the LAW...it broke it...shattered it actually, into several pieces....in my shame, grief, disappointment, and fear...the others would only keep chanting the same words..."Mom always said, don't play ball in the house....Mom always said, don't play ball in the house...." I tried to glue the LAW back together with some cheap epoxy adhesive....it worked only for a short while.... One thing is for sure, I will never break the law again...it was Mom's favorite, you know. Nz MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#68715" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:23:07 Comments : PROMOTE ME=667 Message # 870. Date: 08/11/95. Time: 21:08:54. Read 84 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : This ain't easy You gnow, you really have to admire Fink Ployd what with his amazing skill at aligning each post of his perfectly. It's certainly hard to do without cheati ng a little. úmú MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#68596" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:23:21 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=11 #870. Message # 871. Date: 08/09/95. Time: 15:06:24. Read 49 Times. From : Caffeine Fiend To : Kassius Subj : DOINK! RECEIVED Perhaps you think your E-mail is legitimate enough that encryption is unwarranted. If you really are a law-abiding citizen with nothing to hide, then why don't you always send your paper mail on postcards? Why not submit to drug testing on demand? Why require a warrant for police searches of your house? Are you trying to hide something? You must be a subversive or a drug dealer if you hide your mail inside envelopes. Or maybe a paranoid nut. Do law-abiding citizens have any need to encrypt their E-mail? What if everyone believed that law-abiding citizens should use postcards for their mail? If some brave soul tried to assert his privacy by using an envelope for his mail, it would draw suspicion. Perhaps the authorities would open his mail to see what he's hiding. Fortunately, we don't live in that kind of world, because everyone protects most of their mail with envelopes. So no one draws suspicion by asserting their privacy with an envelope. There's safety in numbers. Analogously, it would be nice if everyone routinely used encryption for all their E-mail, innocent or not, so that no one drew suspicion by asserting their E-mail privacy with encryption. Think of it as a form of solidarity. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#68495" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:23:53 Comments : WAY!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 872. Date: 08/01/95. Time: 11:41:02. Read 92 Times. From : Caffeine Fiend To : ALL/CF Subj : HEHEH Well I just wanted to relay a kind of important message... KILL YOURSELF!!! you know... that sometimes life can be hard and no matter what you just need to keep on going, dont give up... KILL YOURSELF!!! ... Just keep on umm caring and keep on trucking and jetting if your the jet set kind of person... You can make it... KILL YOURSELF! I swear it... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#68277" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:24:35 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 873. Date: 07/31/95. Time: 21:28:39. Read 51 Times. From : Caffeine Fiend To : all/cf Subj : .sig RECEIVED ____ ______ ________ _____ / \ | \| /\ | \ jkenner@cello.gina.calstate.edu / \| _ \ \/ | _ \ /___/\ \___|> > |__|> > BORN TO BE WIRED... / | / /\ | / All the sugar and twice the \_________|______/|___\/__|______/ caffeine of regular netusers! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#68225" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:24:53 Comments : HAHAHA=1 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 874. Date: 07-31-95. Time: 10:09. Read 52 Times. From : Grazz't To : KASSIUS Subj : bs RECEIVED ^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^ | | Oooh baby | | New in town sailor? 8->¯ > Grazzitude > | InterNet: brenden.walker@grinder.com --- MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#68179" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:25:09 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 875. Date: 07/31/95. Time: 00:03:07. Read 81 Times. From : Mikester To : Fink Ployd Subj : Yadda. RECEIVED FinkPloydisaWEENIE! :) MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#68143" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:25:22 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 876. Date: 07/22/95. Time: 10:49:13. Read 59 Times. From : Mikester To : Skurkey Subj : One million RECEIVED "'Cause God hates war And God hates crime; But He really hates people Who color outside the lines." MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#67822" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:25:47 Comments : WAY!=2 HAHAHA=3 WOW!=1 OH MY GOD!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 877. Date: 07/21/95. Time: 17:26:41. Read 52 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Hackintosh Subj : Doink! Ann Otherworld IS two million characters... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#67774" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:25:55 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 878. Date: 07/11/95. Time: 00:45:04. Read 62 Times. From : aphrodite To : All/Ann Otherworld/Stranger/Ashigui/.... Subj : The Vico Den.... RECEIVED Veering through the various levels of my Vico Den.....so vicodindicated....went to the vicodiner saw Vyco Dan....invokedened the vicolins and the vicodinbrations were not very invicodinviting.... Vicodisarray, Aphrovicodite...................... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#67064" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:26:26 Comments : OBFUSCATED=2 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 879. Date: 07/09/95. Time: 17:55:40. Read 58 Times. From : Ashiqui To : High Magick's Aide Subj : Greetings RECEIVED were all one big inside joke. there is a secret sub you can`t get to which consists solely of hackintosh laughing with himself. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#66891" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:26:52 Comments : PROMOTE ME=34 Message # 880. Date: 07/03/95. Time: 17:13:26. Read 75 Times. From : GOD. To : all Subj : I have spoken. You guys suck. God. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#66371" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:28:12 Comments : PROMOTE ME=5000 #880. Message # 881. Date: 06/23/95. Time: 18:05:36. Read 63 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Fink Ployd Subj : RECEIVED He IS your parents! You are a mutated, genetically twisted Mikester Clone, created when Mikester was alone in his truck and the upholstery was brand new. In it's virginal (ahem) state, it seduced him into a reproductive frenzy so intense that he had no need of anybody else. Unfortunately, he was listening to his "Starland Vocal Band" tape at the time, which explains a lot about a lot of things... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#65733" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:28:50 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 882. Date: 06/20/95. Time: 04:39:20. Read 59 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Rue More Mongers Subj : Two More Rue Mores This is a switch. Me and Falco sitting together in a booth having a normal conversation for once. The background music is provided by Voice Text, a band who could have made it as big as they wanted to, but they broke up before they really began. Mark Fisher went from Dr. Know to Voice Text to becoming the first gay poet in Palmdale to close down two coffee houses with his OUTrageous poetry. Gilbert Hernandez basks in Love and Rockets fame and lives in Eagle Rock at last report. But anyway, that's not why Falco and I are so rapt in our discussion. Hmmmmm, what were we talking about? I scan my brain, hold on tight when I get to the dips and hairpin turns, and then dizzy, I forget to remember. Ah, the rumors. The talk. The whispers behind my back. THe taunts, the veiled barbs, the "looks". I'm going on and on that it's time to set a few records straight. I take out my blow dryer and it turns into a ronald ray gun. I spray a few rounds at the ceiling and recreate the cistern chapel. Oh I'm going to the chapel and I'm gonna get buried. Carried by four pengwens dressed in froufrou frocks. Rocks will be thrown in lieu of rice. Stone me, you muthers. It's all bull shit. I'm not dying. My brain may be misfiring and causing physical jerks and limps to flop and flail, but my mind is in perfect working order. And it ain't no tumor, neither. And if it were a stroke, it was a stroke of genius or luck...hard to separate the two. So ahoooooo, Falco my fiendish friend, let's dance. WE look like Travolta and whatshername....twisting and torquing to T Rex's Telegram Sam.....automatic shoes, automatic shoes, give me 3D vision in a california blue..........telegram sam, you're my main man......! Laughing, we collapse back in the booth and dismiss the local soothsayer, both agreeing to wear blinders through the future, saying what we don't know won't hurt us. Cheers, Falco, cheers. We drain our glasses of Nepenthe. Ah, ignorance is bliss. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#65630" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:29:07 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 883. Date: 06/07/95. Time: 15:10:31. Read 54 Times. From : niente To : )*>VcqXÖs®^9µjøYÔ5&:Ú½©×<ùïn#Ï)ÒO¯F±,3þ%>QÔR±p@åJÐÞ-·ÌAVÙ¸OñÌ'ÛVÐZyRcV`HßHZî(jÌ Subj : ÕiØ3]þ;¶¸ÂϹôÙ¹°Ôìõ!ª8ý]Ç{W9À¸ËÙ®/yåÒûßo_KïmöNéÙÕ'xwOs^4ÞO[û»·:î9«ÀÉ>2æ½)Å ´[þJÏ rÕ²òßbwÌbÕ4³kNÂÍѵ:wµw®Râ2Î ©{ê!­M`á¾A´KÞ% MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#64851" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:29:38 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 884. Date: 06/05/95. Time: 13:10:30. Read 48 Times. From : Stranger To : phase Subj : hello RECEIVED Everything is true in some sense, false in some sense, meaningless in some sense, true and false in some sense, true and meaningless in some sense, false and meaningless in some sense, and true, false, and meaningless in some sense. Except on tuesdays. Stranger MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#64682" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:30:02 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 885. Date: 06-03-95. Time: 18:39. Read 50 Times. From : Oxnardus To : THE NECROMANCER Subj : me RECEIVED Hahahahaha. What fools these mortals be. Only those of us who have quaffed the elixir of Bakersfield have the True knowledge. Of course my message denies the content of the message. Look at all my messages. This is called not using a spell-checker and typing too fast and not proof reading. This is me. I Am Who I Am. One cannot be a true Retreater and have such delusions of grandeur. Only by moving to Bakersfield, getting a large mortgage, and working for The Man can one transcend this scourge of Retreatitis. Bakersfield is a crucial and critical part of the painful and excruciatingly slow cure. I am not one of the damned, dear person, but I am the Damner. Pardon me while I laugh evilly. Bwahahahahaha. There, that proves it. --- MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#64557" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:30:11 Comments : HAHAHA=2 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 886. Date: 06-04-95. Time: 01:09. Read 49 Times. From : David Guntner To : CAFFEINE FIEND Subj : Re: Theft of services RECEIVED AGAIN, you're wrong. The cable company *does* lose something; it loses revinue. The cable company had to pay for the cable that spans the city and goes into each house and apartment that it goes into. It has to pay for the people who install and maintain that cable. It has to pay for the electronic equipment that supplies the signal present in the cable (both the original purchase, and maintance and upgrades). It has to pay for the electricity to power said electronic equipment. Where do you think that money comes from? Thin air?? No, it supplies the service in exchange for subscription fees from its subscribers. You can rationalize away at it all you like, but the simple *fact* is that by tapping into the serivce without paying for it is commiting theft of that service. Mind you, I'm not claiming to be all-pure-never-done-anything-wrong. If I were in a situation where I couldn't really afford to pay for cable, and really wanted to see it, and had the equipment to tap into it, I *might* be inclined to do so. But if I did, I wouldn't try to rationalize to myself or others as to why it was ok to do so. I'd freely admit that it was wrong, but that my situation was what it was and that I decided to take the chance (however slight) of getting caught. It is this lack of honesty on your part, both to yourself and to others, that I find so offensive, and is why my first message to you was so harsh. --Dave ... Hey Rocky, watch me pull a Klingon out of my hat! "That trick NEVER works!" MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#64499" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:30:20 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 887. Date: 06/03/95. Time: 14:41:24. Read 54 Times. From : Tellura To : Stranger Subj : My email address RECEIVED Stranger, you're the reason God made Oklahoma. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#64438" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:31:41 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 888. Date: 06-02-95. Time: 20:57. Read 44 Times. From : Oxnardus To : FINK PLOYD Subj : Technical difficulties RECEIVED I'm a wacky, dashy kinda gal My taglines never fail And what the heck You're a nervous wreck Because my dates are unique Oh, you silly Fink And you squared little thing You make me wanna sing! Why am I paying five bucks a day Not going out side, not making hay, But instead to download this? Hey, I'm just a silly little miss. Insane they call me Insane I be Insane I am Am-I-Sam? --- MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#64410" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:31:49 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 889. Date: 06-02-95. Time: 20:50. Read 42 Times. From : Oxnardus To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : Technical difficulties RECEIVED ÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛɼ ÛÛº Û» ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛºÛÛÛ»ÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛº Èͼ ÛÛÛÛÛÛɼ ÈÛÛÛÉÛÛÛɼ ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛ» ÈÍÍÍÍͼ ÈÍͼÈÍͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Now shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the ground. --- MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#64408" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:31:57 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 890. Date: 06/01/95. Time: 17:50:01. Read 48 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Caffeine Fiend Subj : curious about something RECEIVED Apparently my little parable about the water deliery system didn't register. Damn. I as kind of proud of that... McDonalds doesn't make any money off of the aroma of their food, so they don't care if you walk by and smell it. What you are doing is taking food ithout paying. The cable companies DO make money off the basic thirteen (or whatever) channels. They charge for basic service, which you are well aware of, or you wouldn't have spliced into their system. As for your roof access problem, you should have thought of that before you moved into the place. It's not the cable company`s fault that you can't put up an antenna, nor is it your landlord's fault that you can't afford or don't wish to pay for cable. Your ethical options are three: either get your landlord to let you put up an antenna, pay for cable like everyone who DOESN'T think they're special does, or (my personal choice) give up TV altogether. I still don't understand why you feel that YOU don't have to pay for services that everyone else DOES have to pay for. It begins to appear thet your position is that it`s okay to commit crimes, but only if you have the ability to do so. That it's not illegal as long as you don't get caught. I just don't understand. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#64228" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:32:07 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 #890. Message # 891. Date: 06/01/95. Time: 14:21:30. Read 54 Times. From : HACK MAN To : David Guntner Subj : Re: Theft of services RECEIVED PERMIFIED SINCE IT WAS JUST SITTING THERE ON MY HARD DRIVE I THINK I WILL REPRINT THIS LETTER TO THE EDITOR I WROTE THAT WAS PUBLISHED IN VENTURA COUNTY IN NOVEMBER OF 85 NOT LONG AFTER THE MISUSE OF THE TERM "HACKER" BEGAN BY THE NEWS MEDIA. BY THE WAY IT'S A LITTLE GNOWN FACT THAT NOT LONG BEFORE THAT I CHOSE THE NAME HACK MAN AS A SORT OF ACT OF REBELLION AGAINST THE TARNISHING OF A NICE WORD. Dear Editor: I must make a confession, I am a Hacker. I am somewhat shamed that I must state this as a confession. You see, it used to be my proudest boast. I remember the time when "Hacker" was decent and noble word. Once "Hacker" was a proud hobby, something that could be compared to the ham radio operator or the volunteer fireman. After all, they shared the same goals, to make human existence a little more tolerable, while having a little fun at the same time. The portrait of an earlier Hacker is one of a person who built monstrous digital machines in his garage or basement, purely for the edification of his own wonder over this marvelous new invention, called the computer. But that wasn't the only benefit that arose. Like all tinkerers before him the Hacker made a great contribution to world society and technology. It was a Hacker named Steven Wozniak who, working in his garage, constructed a computer called the Apple. Finally computers were now accessible to the common man. Steve Wozniak, a Hacker, the Henry Ford of computers. Another Hacker, named Ward Christensen, invented something called the Xmodem protocol. This invention made it possible for common computers to send accurate information to each other across the globe, over the phone lines. This advance gave way to marvelous conveniences such as home banking, and armchair shopping. Unfortunately these phone lines have also been the bane of Hackers everywhere. It seems that every advance has it's inevitable drawbacks. A sleazy, subterranean influence has cropped up. These criminals call themselves hackers in mockery of the creative geniuses to whom the term was originally donated. These so called "hackers" perform heinous acts, such as falsifying hospital records and confounding military satellites for what they call "fun." Unfortunately this terrible activity has harmed the true Hacker in the extreme. Often mistaken for criminals, as I have been, they feel dejected and hopeless About the ill repute that their favorite hobby has fallen into. I have written this letter to this paper, because the newspaper business is a business of words. I feel that you can help set this tragedy straight. Lately a new term has sprung up from the underground. Many of these falsified "hackers" have begun to call themselves "Crackers." This term describes their ability to "Crack" into unsuspecting computer systems and subvert these systems for their own purposes. I would like to most humbly ask this paper, and it's readers, to use this term whenever possible. Perhaps in time the true Hacker will once again regain the nobility that has been lost. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#64193" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:32:20 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 892. Date: 06/01/95. Time: 11:01:38. Read 53 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : the three kings of karma Subj : ANNGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I blow through the doors with the force of a dorothy gale. I'm pale and I'm shaking like I have some strange palsy. I'm as pissed and happy as I look. FALLLLLLLLLCO! A white zombie on the rocks NOW! Ah, that's better. This eviction shit has me quite angsted. I almost had to pop a beta blocker my heart was beating the bongo so hard. Oooooh. Where should I start? The sudden flash to take out the trash. Yeah. I limped my way outside to take out the trash and there in the driveway sat the bitch from upstairs. She says, so, you're up. Duh. Something told me to nicely ask her if she'd like the cable box. The shock on her face should have been captured and then tortured.....hehehe. I gave it to her and then started back into the house and then remembered the trash and I was painfully wrestling the heavy-from-the-upstairs-trash cans when the landlady drove up. She comes waddling over to me with this piece of paper in her hand, grinning like a gargoyle and hands it to me with one hand while the other is busy pulling up her shirt to show me her surgery scar, grossly backdropped by her doughy, celluite-ridden lumpy flesh. An image I'll carry all day. Ugh. Then I try to talk to her of the wisdom of having me out right away and how it's impossible for me to do it in 30 days. She's going on that she needs money and I'm saying that if she'd give me two months0Àü, I'd pull it off. Then she says she wants the rent money today and I say impossible and she says she'll have to give me a threeday notice. I tell her she's set the rules and is praying to the wrong god (very xhristian) and that I'd have to do what I have to do. THen, the good part, I hear her talking through the door in my front room to the foray and stairs of the upstairs part of the house. My God! She's bought into the bullshit of those cretins upstairs and they're making jokes about me and she's saying that she knows I'm going to make her go through the courts...damn straight...and she's using the lied threat of my sons going to beat them up or shoot them. ACK! But, she tipped her hand again and now that I know the note I wrote to them about their continued harassment of me and my threat to expose their "habits" is going to be her key piece of evidence against me. Ha! I am going to use the note, apologize for the f-words and say my threat was exposure of their drug use in her house and the shit they purposely put me through. So to you, the three kings of karma, I thank you for letting me know what the other side is up to. And I'm keeping silent, just waiting for my day in court. I hope I have a miracle, though, and can get out of here before it has to become nasty. But, if I have to, I'll fight with every ounce of my being and boy, she'd better watch out. Perhaps I should have greeted her with Don't Fuck With Me, but she'll learn that in time. Hahaha, I wonder if anyone actually waded through all this. I needed to vent and I feel better now. In fact, a lot better. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#64181" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:32:31 Comments : PROMOTE ME=999 Message # 893. Date: 05/29/95. Time: 11:29:48. Read 57 Times. From : Number Two To : athena Subj : drugs RECEIVED men are afraid of the cosmic coupling, even as women are disrobing for it Your Pal 2 MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#63881" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:33:59 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 894. Date: 05/28/95. Time: 12:46:31. Read 53 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Number Two Subj : RECEIVED BOg, BOg, SQuish, SQuish... What a relief it is! úfPú MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#63788" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:34:07 Comments : PROMOTE ME=11 Message # 895. Date: 05/27/95. Time: 08:19:54. Read 60 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : ñ×÷ Subj : Ýå8¾æë3,FGçÜãyÔVø?å¿;êë|ÀHýæ\­¬'Õ#àÞ_ÇìKx0þqþß2²g RECEIVED ÙWow, it even accepts any name. HackingosLÝB¹ùaì­,ætoshD à is dBë ivUþÎ/digging this. où_ëÐáýË ÝïNoh³I'm tÚÔ-âÏZlußöoÞ&rying to hang up. No eIæ}åo^¯asy fete. I'm going to ÒOæ#Û/e-íWÉâ¯ýRfã.ýö¿n¾þñþ+Ìì ÝÞÃã8 CþÒy^üèø4 æêPZ¿/· beat these suckers to the save commanb}þd. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#63685" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:34:44 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 896. Date: 05/27/95. Time: 08:17:01. Read 50 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Lachesis Subj : HELLO! Nice to see you back. No one |ÞDñ¯øýßÈ>ÆèþñJ-mbelieves mcÍc÷çkÛï(þÝe when I tè +|ú>mell thehU Íþm LéRLCýI communicate with you guys via ;åzbh¿÷inenoise. Maybe they'll believe me now3Ø!!! So, for all those who ç^ÇÖ*ù»ÕÐ×loo|ïF½ÊºüßíMye?.¬ who thiùRÕnk stranger and i are nuts, decode ÓoÐYÉ`ý. ûþ3this and yo ?/fu'll see whatÒ2=î)ðÉ×-Ó|o<-ile MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#59132" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:46:47 Comments : PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 929. Date: 03/20/95. Time: 16:53:41. Read 67 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : all Subj : travels through the ethers PERMIFIED I sent this to all, because I couldn't decide who to send it to. I have myself on a regimen of home therapy. I have been raped. Not in the bibical sense, but I was raped just the same. By the fucking system and what's worse, I laid there and let them do it. It was like a gang bang of bungling surgeons. Anyway, part of my home therapy is to cruise the ethers and see if there's anything out there worth picking up. I heard this while I was hovering right under the Southern Cross. The curse of the first continues to haunt and taunt with age-old wisdoms and truths The curse of the first Can be lifted The gifted know how to glow in the dark Make no mark scurry no stone rattle no bone it's still on the eve no wind blows no stars shine no wine pours from my sweet baby's lips there's no beast to feast on They ready for the morrow Feast on, you fiends You have brokedn the law and The Law is always the RCA Victor You, with that foot in your mouth.. Spit it out and spit it out NOW. Two little letters spurt forth and take on lives of their own wow an I and a T oh no, it's IT Damn straight you're it I've got it and I tried and tried to give it away It haunts me I must get away from it. I throw some other letters at It and oh no They're an S and and H Oh Shit, what have I done Just my luck to get shit for doing nothing for not dying I ain't cryin, either I got my dander up I'm so pent that when I vent Won't be nary a soul on earth I guess I'd better calm down from my I've oree tower of babble or it will be the end of the world as we know it And I feel fine. AO AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#59096" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:46:59 Comments : BRAVO!=6 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 930. Date: 03/20/95. Time: 07:23:12. Read 53 Times. From : johnny beer To : Raevan Subj : skyfalling RECEIVED how can i cater to the masses if i can't even cook? dummieeee j.beer MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#59052" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:47:10 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 #930. Message # 931. Date: 03/18/95. Time: 16:51:31. Read 53 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Jehan Subj : Doink! RECEIVED PERMIFIED I wasn't going to let this out and I hope Hackintosh forgives me, but we've been getting it on. Doing IT. Fornicating. He's been puttin rod to bod. All I can gasp when I'm on top, is Tosh Tosh Tosh. He says, Peter, and I say yes. He asked me to keep our mad affair secret, but he's taking so much flak lately that I believe it is time for all you cyberspace-cadets to know that Hackintosh knocked me up. Just think, there's going to be a little AO/Hackintosh on the loose in 8 months. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#59010" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:47:17 Comments : HAHAHA=17 PROMOTE ME=11 Message # 932. Date: 03/18/95. Time: 16:51:31. Read 54 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Jehan Subj : Doink! RECEIVED PERMIFIED I wasn't going to let this out and I hope Hackintosh forgives me, but we've been getting it on. Doing IT. Fornicating. He's been puttin rod to bod. All I can gasp when I'm on top, is Tosh Tosh Tosh. He says, Peter, and I say yes. He asked me to keep our mad affair secret, but he's taking so much flak lately that I believe it is time for all you cyberspace-cadets to know that Hackintosh knocked me up. Just think, there's going to be a little AO/Hackintosh on the loose in 8 months. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#59010" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:47:21 Comments : HAHAHA=17 PROMOTE ME=11 Message # 933. Date: 03/16/95. Time: 21:05:20. Read 41 Times. From : Longshot To : Heartfrost Subj : SCA RECEIVED No, no-ones interested. We're all joining the Flat Earth Association. <> MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#58848" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:47:54 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 934. Date: 03/16/95. Time: 07:45:27. Read 38 Times. From : Jehan To : The Necromancer Subj : All RECEIVED I am currently not talking to Raphael. He couldn't get it up last night, not even after I practically screwed Bernie myself. So I had to do some quick and dirty matchmaking and mated Bernie and Monet, who was in the mood, so to speak. Even when the Dutch Girl got excited at doing airplane and pulled the plug, they lit up the whole room all evening. Which was definitely a relief, because sometimes it seems to take forever to get over that certain fear of flying. So don't mention Raphael to me. He made a bad Impressionist. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#58777" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:48:35 Comments : GROAN.=17 PROMOTE ME=11 Message # 935. Date: 03/11/95. Time: 12:15:57. Read 40 Times. From : Unka Buck To : Caffeine Fiend Subj : skyfalling RECEIVED You brought up a comparison to alcohol... Legalization of alcohol has not prevented abuse. No way. No how. Legalization has not kept the prices down. Legalization has not removed the aura of guilt over abuse. Legalization has not helped any one get better. Legalization has not improved any one's life. (Except, arguably, producers and distributors.) To argue that if alcohol is legal, so should other drugs, seems to me a valid argument. I've argued the same thing. But, it's ludicrous to say that the biggest problem with illegal drugs is their illegality. That sounds like wishful thinking from some one who doesn't want to get in trouble for doing what he or she is going to do anyway. --==UNKA BUCK==-- --==OBFUSCATE==-- MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#58494" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:49:09 Comments : GIVE ME A BREAK!=5 PROMOTE ME=12 Message # 936. Date: 03/05/95. Time: 10:34:58. Read 40 Times. From : Jehan To : Oxnardus Subj : Power power power RECEIVED Just remember! It's not where you are that counts; it's what you do while you are there that matters! (Or something like that.) (Uh. Maybe I should rethink this one a little.) (I mean, what if you do something in the wrong spot?) (And what if you do the wrong thing in the right spot?) (Horrors! What if you do the wrong right thing in the right wrong spot? You'll never get the spot right? Wrong!) (And what if you can't hit the spot? I mean, some of us can't hit the broad side of a barn, much less an itty-bitty spot.) (I'm never going to get this right. Help! I'm coming out in spots!) (Oxy, forget all this. I'm going to rewrite this spot right and erase the wrong spot.) (Oh, phooey, I can't. I have spots before my eyes!) (Where did I go wrong, anyway? Just point out the spot!) MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#57727" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:49:40 Comments : HAHAHA=17 PROMOTE ME=18 Message # 937. Date: 03/04/95. Time: 04:25:04. Read 47 Times. From : Caffeine Fiend To : The Necromancer Subj : skyfalling RECEIVED Depends on what kind of vegetable it was. LIST OF HERB/FRUIT/VEGETABLE'S WE'D TURN INTO Caffeine Fiend Banana Stranger Cannibis Sativa Moon Dancer Carrot Hack Man Potatoe (with 23 eyes) Number Two Red Pepper ANN OTHERWORLD Leaf of lettuce MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#57615" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:50:23 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 938. Date: 03/03/95. Time: 05:57:50. Read 45 Times. From : KEn To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : Bosses RECEIVED I could drink that stuff till I go blind.. Oh no, wait, that's playing with my self.. I REmain MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#57493" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:50:34 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 939. Date: 02/24/95. Time: 08:01:46. Read 75 Times. From : KEn To : all Subj : AHA! PERMIFIED Okay so I seem to have notice that the retreat has taken a somewhat different direction from when I first started calling... I gnow, most of you are going, "DUH, where's he been"... anyway, I suppose we all have, taken a different direction I mean... I for one am not the same as I was when I first started calling..at least I feel different and I've noticed that I post differently, at least until today... so can ANYONE tell that I'm really outta stuff to do at work and my caffiene rush is at full fluition???? Where was I , oh yeah, It's NOT like I meant to change... not that I even noticed.. Until now, I just did.. I miss the old days.. the old attitudes, My old friends... whipping Mikester with Hot wheel tracks and baby oil...Talking to Jehan about life in general, and accidently surpriseing Ann with something I posted that struck her fancy.. or actually READING a post from GB anywhere else besides the Music sub... when Skurkey used to call and We were all okay with that... when stranger used to be, well, stranger...and I used to bug Hackman about just about everything and when Shay Pas used to post her extremely interesting stories ALL over the place so we'd all gnow about her "special Bond" with Mr. Lipton.. ...Meloncholy, Ithink that's what it's called... Oh well, I'm older, you guys are too, except we dont want or NEED to admit it anymore... things change, and they will always be the same somewhere else by someone else... You guys (et el) gnow the old saying... " free your mind, and your ass will follow"... unfortunatly it doesn't work all the time with all people... I REmain MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#56992" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:51:16 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=4 Message # 940. Date: 02/23/95. Time: 16:48:12. Read 50 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Mojo IV Subj : It doesn't have to be this way... RECEIVED I'm changing it to Ann Otherday or Ann Othertime. N. Otherwords. N Otraspalabras. I like the sound of Otraspalabras. It looks terrible, though. Otraspalabras. It looks full of fun anagrams and stuff. I see STAR. BRAS. PAL. LAP. ARTS. RATS. PART. TRAP. SPLAT. TOP. POT. I love this word. START. TRA LA. SPOT. TOPS. POTS. No pans. Which would be snap. Naps. Pan's naps snap and span. Oh man. I am eff ell eye pee pee eye in gee out. AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#56966" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:51:26 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=9017 #940. Message # 941. Date: 02/16/95. Time: 00:51:06. Read 69 Times. From : asquishy To : Ashiqui Subj : It doesn't have to be this way... RECEIVED ok....and so i shall finish... basically i spent forever and a day with the basic mentality that i was wrong and whatever actions were tried or performed were completely warranted in a form of self-punishment, i suppose. I was around the whims of males day in and out against my choice, and responsibility for EVERYTHING i accepted confused but accepting. i have no idea how many times i had to do things i never would have done to those certain people because i had to take care of "problems" like blue balls and the like that i was told i had created by standing too close or looking at them with some certain look. my body was inexhaustably creating situations i had the "responsibility" to follow through with, intentions or not. And this mentality has lasted me until all of about two months or more ago. i finally found a boy to whom i am so much more than just big tits and a routine lay. I was not created for the releasal of sexual tension and NO ONE can have the right of trying to brainwash me into assuming the blame just because of the way i was born, built and bosomed. So go to hell all of you out there who ever made me feel dirty and evil and responsible for "teasing" or "leading" you on by just walking down the street. Go to hell all of you who told me i had asked for all i had to endure due to the way i was built and or the clothes i wore that morning and or the way i try to deal with the hell you are forcing unto me. and i'm out... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#56705" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:51:51 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 942. Date: 02/07/95. Time: 14:07:57. Read 83 Times. From : snoopy To : all Subj : hi this is ashiqui's sister snoopy.I'm new to this program.I'm nine and in forth grade at Rose Ave.My favorite cartoon carecters are snoopy,all the people on the show Rugrats,selvester,andthe muppet babies.my favorite bands are Ini Kamoze, Green Day, Boyz to men,TLC,and Brandy.Oh one last thing I'm learning spanish. sincerly ashiqui's sister snoopy MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#56235" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:52:06 Comments : DOINK=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 943. Date: 01/16/95. Time: 21:40:39. Read 76 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Raboof! PERMIFIED Come out of your homes! Cast away your weapons! Hug your children and rejoice, for POGS are officially dead! --M. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#55175" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:52:38 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 944. Date: 01/05/95. Time: 17:31:44. Read 42 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Lady K Subj : cats RECEIVED PERMIFIED Actually, no. My theory on cats and kittens is simple: They're not even the same species. Face it. When you go out to the pet store or the pound or wherever, you get, not a cat, but a kitten. You watch the kitten. You enjoy the kitten. The kitten is cute. It pounces on gnats, it plays with yarn, it attacks shoelaces, and other typically adorable kittenish things. You feed it, and it grows. Then, one night after you've had the cute little nipper ten or twelve months, THEY come. They sneak into your house while you are sleeping, take away your sweet little kitten, and leave in it's place a rotten, disgusting, arrogant CAT! This cat LOOKS like your cute little kitten, but it's not. It comes equipped with a CATtitude, and biological stuff that you either have to pay through the nose to have removed, or put up with their putting it to use. I'll give them this: cats are NOT dumb. They gnow that no one in their right mind would have a cat for a pet, given a choice, so they take the choice away. They grow the kittens in vats in secret feline laboratories, send them out into the world to insinuate themselves into people's hearts, then supplant them. The kittens are then forced to repeat the same shameful deed over and over again. They are virtual slaves, victims of the heinous cats who are their cruel and unforgiving masters. Lucky indeed are the kittens who are sent to the pound if they fail to totally enrapture their chosen victim humans; they at least can get a second chance, and are afforded some protection while they wait. The poor, unfortunate ones who are simply unceremoniously tossed out are gathered up by the cats, and made to face the most dire of consequences for their failure. To the mind of the cat, if a kitten can't win over the heart of a human, it has no use, except to be used as raw material in experiments to create an even cuter, more foolproof kitten. I will go to great lengths to free kittens from this foul servitude. Perhaps a commando raid? I think their base is in Katmandu... The Necromancer -=Obfuscate=- )Instigate( MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#54643" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:53:20 Comments : WOW!=2 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 945. Date: 01/04/95. Time: 09:33:55. Read 45 Times. From : Jehan To : Lady K Subj : trivia RECEIVED PERMIFIED One of these days I want to do my version of the cartoon witch standing there, covered in charcoal and muttering, "That's it, next time I use a spell checker!" MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#54552" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:53:31 Comments : HAHAHA=19 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 946. Date: 01/01/95. Time: 12:01:23. Read 68 Times. From : The Necromancer To : All Subj : Resolutions PERMIFIED A few of my New Year's Resolutions: I resolve to quit doing my dishes and laundry in the same load. I resolve to quit straddling the fence between fantasy and other fantasies. I resolve to rotate my underwear (which involves cutting out the part between the leg holes. I resolve to eat far too much Toll House Cookie Dough. (Gotta have ONE I gnow I'll keep). More as I think of them... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#54388" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:54:09 Comments : HAHAHA=2 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=35 Message # 947. Date: 12/30/94. Time: 23:25:26. Read 69 Times. From : The Evil Anti-Mikester To : All Subj : Hello! PERMIFIED I'm using an IBM computer! I hate comic books (except X-Men)! I can't get enough MTV! Boy oh boy do I like Green Day! I always misuse apostrophe's! Euuuuugh...who'd eat cold pizza? Yuk! Or drink Diet Coke? Ugh. I think Sinbad and Jim Carrey are really funny. Oh, yeah, don't forget the Dice Man. You know what I like best about television sitcoms? The way everything always turns out okay at the end, and there's a big group hug, or a clearly presented moral, or, if I'm really lucky, both. I also like watching America's Funniest Home Videos. I fall out of the Laz-E-Boy laughing so hard, everytime someone's pants fall down or someone gets hit in the crotch with a baseball! Oh, boy, those videos are funny, and 100% spontaneous, too! Newspapers are really boring, except for the sports pages, of course. Oh, and the funny pages too, but usually only "Ziggy," "Funky Winkerbean," and "Berry's World" are any good. Movies movies movies -- I really like those action films. Man o man, that Arnold Schwarteneggar (or however you spell his last name) -- he's such a great actor. He has such a way with a clever one-liner right after he kills a few dozen people...my extra large $4 Coke almost slips through my popcorn- butter-laden fingers I'm enjoying the movie so much. You know how best to deal with people driving too slow in the fast lane? Just get right up there on their tail, flash your brights on and off, and honk the horn. They usually move then. Course, if they don't, you should pass them and get right in front of them and hit your brakes. That'll teach them! I don't get these role playing games. But, man, I sure do love Mortal Kombat II! I don't like calling bulletin boards either. Too many weirdos hang out there. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#54292" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:54:38 Comments : HAHAHA=3 DOINK=1 BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=2000 Message # 948. Date: 12/22/94. Time: 23:20:00. Read 57 Times. From : Number Two To : Ashiqui Subj : RECEIVED Yeah, I have missed him too. Jehan has all of the latest Stranger news (whatever it may be), I think we need to all go over there one night and just make him feel loved. You bring the massage oil, and I'll bring the High Bias tape..... Your Pal 2 MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#53974" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:54:56 Comments : WAY!=23 BRAVO!=23 PROMOTE ME=23 Message # 949. Date: 12/08/94. Time: 20:11:41. Read 68 Times. From : The Necromancer To : all Subj : fate PERMIFIED The other night, some friends and I were playing poker using Tarot cards. I drew a full house, and everyone at the table suddenly levitated for the duration of the hand. Then the guy to my left drew to a inside straight, and an owl strode through the middle of the table and sang a chorus of "Riggoletto". To top it all off, I filled four Trumps, and began glowing brightly while the illustarted Kama Sutra flashed holographically above the bets, which transformed to semi-precious gemstones spelling out the mystic phrase "Muh- Muh-Muh-My Sharona". We finally gave it up. The game's no fun when you gnow when someone's got a great hand. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#53522" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:55:17 Comments : DOINK=1 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 950. Date: 12/06/94. Time: 00:19:20. Read 46 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Ghost Subj : E-mail RECEIVED You remind me of Carroll's Humpty Dumpty, in that a word means what you wish it to mean. I simply do not carry the skill to create and define words at will. Thank your lucky stamps that I wasn't around to alter the evolution of English language. Otherwise, we might be greeting eachother with a joyful, "Barn tooth! Rabid bag kumquat?" úfPú MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#53394" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:55:38 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 #950. Message # 951. Date: 12/04/94. Time: 03:01:17. Read 51 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Psycho Subj : Retribution. RECEIVED Assuming that you were truthful, and assuming that my grasp of reality is somewhat tighter than a bread box, a fact I'm not at all sure is valid, I would like to grant you a very Happy Birthday. May you get drunk and lie upon an unnamed girl's bedroom floor unconscious, naked, and with a small stream of drool trickling out of the left side of your mouth... But don't be embarrased about that... The girl is in a near coma, so she won't be a cause of embarassment for you, until her death, at which time, embarrass- ment will take on a new form, as her parents discover that you let her OD on crack, neglecting to stop her, as she pushed the plunger down, releas- ing 65 percent pure liquid Death in- to her veins... But don't worry now. She won't see the stream of drool or your mussed-up hair or sticky, naked body, or ANYTHING ELSE ever again... So have a Happy Birthday, killer. úfPú MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#53329" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:55:47 Comments : BRAVO!=1 OH MY GOD!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 952. Date: 11/26/94. Time: 22:15:03. Read 72 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : all Subj : belladonna backwash PERMIFIED I feel I must warn you of the strange effects of Belladonna Backwash. I was stressing and decided to try to unwind in the Tavern. It was hard as Falco was in a funk of sorts. He argued with me over my selection and kept pushing the Three Mile long island tee. I finally got him to give me a double BB with a seltzer water chaser. I didn't get the results I was seeking, so I ordered a triple. Tipple tipple after the triple. I staggered over to a booth and slid into slouch position and watched primordial forms undulate around the room. I watched my life play out in 5 different versions, and none of them made sense. Something's missing. I ordered two triples and slurpped them down in record time. Everything was blurred and bluetiful. I spun my circuits until they were a perfect whirr of purr. I was humming a few bars of Route 66 when this trucker type walked in and started humming with me. He kept calling me his BellaDonna and wanted to impress me with his large linguini. Seen one you've seen em all, I told him. That got him started about his unsually long salami. I told him that I may be a little sedated, but that I know come-on talk when I hear it and that his was the Worst. That got him started about the size of his liverwerst. I burst his bubble when I pulled down his pants and discovered his vienna sausage. Glad to be alone again, I switched to a gin conncotion and watched an auction on the Home Shopping Channel. Just when I was dialing in to purchase The Art of Self massage, some cool dandy approached me and asked if he could rub me the right way. That was the wrong thing to say. I had to practically kick Falco's ass to get him to throw Jim Dandy out. Falco and I fumed at each other for awhile and then I ordered an other triple BB. Wheee, it was fun this time. I remember leaping up onto the bar and pirouetting around, then running to the stage and announcing over the microphone that I had just won the Dialated Puplil Award and that I was the Bella Donna of the Ball. I started wailing, Some day my prince will come and just then Falco walked up and he had this mad twinkle in his eye and looked at me in that way. I surpressed the laughter bubbling up and held my features in calm composure. I told him that I just been impregnated during an abduction and I was about to give birth to an illegal alien and that I'm scared to death due to the passage of 187. Falco actually offered to marry me and said he'd be a good father to the little half alien child I was carrying. I was so shocked I fainted and I just came to. The tavern is empty and I am too. Time to go home. Just watch that BB. a.o. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#53165" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:56:02 Comments : HAHAHA=2 BRAVO!=1 OUCH!=2 WOW!=1 OH MY GOD!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 953. Date: 11/09/94. Time: 19:16:09. Read 75 Times. From : Lost Chain To : ALL Subj : Puff the Fractal Dragon No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. CHORUS: Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" (chorus) Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! (chorus) MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#52704" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:56:27 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 954. Date: 11/09/94. Time: 16:28:39. Read 67 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Psycho Subj : X-ILED RECEIVED Sick. sic a.o. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#52698" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:56:37 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 955. Date: 11/02/94. Time: 14:08:31. Read 69 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : The votes are in.... "Question #141. 110 votes. 38.73% voted. What should Mikester's sign-off on his messages be? A: --the Mikester 6 votes. 5.45% B: --M. 4 votes. 3.64% C: --the egotistical bastard 16 votes. 14.55% D: --Carlos the Romantic Shark Killer 21 votes. 19.09% E: --Choleric Wastrel 6 votes. 5.45% F: --SQuish! 6 votes. 5.45% G: Honestly, who really cares? 51 votes. 46.36%" Okay, you guys asked for it. --Honestly, who really cares? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#52496" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:57:14 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=2 BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 OH MY GOD!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 956. Date: 11/01/94. Time: 11:50:35. Read 53 Times. From : Ashiqui To : Tellura Subj : more poetry (sorry, everyone!) RECEIVED stop with the psuedo-my-poetry-sucks-"i'm sorry, guys" stuff. if you didn't think it was good, you wouldn't post it. no one would bravo it. it does not suck, so stop trying to pretend like you may think it does. amen. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#52457" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:57:25 Comments : BRAVO!=1 OUCH!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 957. Date: 11/01/94. Time: 07:08:00. Read 51 Times. From : Tellura To : all literate people Subj : unfortunately, even more poetry by yours truly. PERMIFIED (I am apologizing in advance) We travel down and empty, uncharted yet often used path saying nothing and the music speaks for us a dove sails overhead as a feeling of peace settles over my heart as though touched and blessed by the soft ivory wingtips of the dove as we move farther down our road and a hawk soars over our heads persuing the dove caught in a corner of clouds knows there's no way out peacefully calmly penetratingly gazes at her hunter light of compsssion flickers in hawks' eyes battling with doubt Peace touches warrior instinct and calm and the hawk flies away with the dove. --Tellura '94 MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#52447" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:57:32 Comments : WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 958. Date: 10/31/94. Time: 17:16:28. Read 65 Times. From : Tellura To : all Subj : more poetry (sorry, everyone!) Unfortunately, I have more poetry to post to you. In the other room across the hall a battle rages acting vs. poetry a bloodless war of motions and gestures pitted against words and feelings both strugging to make their point bang! a gunshot a body falls the actors flaunt their stories through and action and a single sound symbolizing death the dramatists point is made a quiet voice of and artisan of words rises above the silence of an actor's death a story of love actionless yet the words strike home as the actor's movement touched their hearts equal ammunition strikes equal people stalemate of the artisans war the thespians move no longer the poets cease their musicless song and the war has ended as the two sides look for another form of art and go on. --Tellura '94 MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#52439" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:57:40 Comments : WAY!=1 RASPBERRYS=1 WHO CARES=3 BRAVO!=4 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 959. Date: 10/23/94. Time: 15:54:44. Read 55 Times. From : Tellura To : you/no one/all/me Subj : hollywood poem tiny lights twinkle down from a tree of stars flickering candle light softens the shadows created by the people chatter conversations dip and soar like sparrows on a summer day of love sparkling light of friendship in eyes never seen before and music swirls around friends like a friendly night watchman glitter and glamour champagne and gourmet food graceful swans of people arch their necks to drain their glasses of chilled white wine and mineral water a small brown starling stands in the middle of the party of swans feeling out of place a starling in swan's clothing is found out to be what she is in the end: a starling doesn't want to pretend doesn't want to dress in the white of the swan and arch its slender neck to drink its glass of chardonnay or talk to the other swans makes its nest in the corner away from the swans until the starling begins to sing --Tellura '94 MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#52338" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:57:52 Comments : BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 960. Date: 10/08/94. Time: 07:13:03. Read 67 Times. From : KEN To : all Subj : Reminisance Okay, lets see who remembers this.. This time last year, I first called the Retreat, Wow, almost a year, hey is this the life or what?? It was also this time last year that one 2 consecutive Saturday nights, I ended up at the emergency room for either cutting a digit off or running a sharp object through one.... Oh yeah, that was also the time when I used to post to Skurkey, I think then I was the only one who did.. no, that was later.. anyway, I wasn't the lil DVLs' Daddy then... but I had more money, or so it seemed.. not that Lil DVL is eating that up.. I would have found a way to spend it anyway... Gosh.. Ain't it great how stuff changes... Good stuff gets worse, worse stuff gets great... I guess, sometimes, you have to look at it as a mathmatical equation, that way, in the end, it all evens out... BTW, Mikester, you'll note that although I used many contractions in this post I feel certain that they are all gramitically correct... Spelling, however, is another matter... I REmain MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#51901" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 00:58:23 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 #960. Message # 961. Date: 09/24/94. Time: 19:33:14. Read 71 Times. From : Tellura To : all Subj : Girl runs wild In the backyard's adventure A terrycloth towel Her invincible cloak Runs through the wilderness Of the knee-high grass And takes shelter In a village Of a treehouse And eats a royal banquet Of graham crackers And cherry Kool-aid Summer ends quickly For an adventurous 6-year-old Time to put away Childish things The magical realm Of the yard Fades to The dry grass And trees they really are The treehouse loses its Magic And the pegasus swing Creaks back and forth Alone, dejected Graham crackers Animal cookies Grow old and stale Fruit punch, Naptime And Sesame Street Are obsolete, Unnessesary. The summers of a child's life Flow faster than desired As she grows, she learns, And teaches Sometimes she sees In her mind's eye A girl in the morror With a Kool-aid Mustache And a towel safety pinned To her shirt. --Tellura '94 MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#51248" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:00:39 Comments : BRAVO!=2 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 962. Date: 09/20/94. Time: 01:08:25. Read 45 Times. From : Arwen Undomiel To : Doinkiferously Great Folks Subj : My Summer Vacation (or, What I did with my lack of spare time) PERMIFIED My Summer Vacation by Arwen Undomiel We went to Ventura County for our vacation. It was boring. I went to HackMan's birthday party. When I got there, almost everyone got up and left. I checked to see if I had remembered my deodorant, and I had. I don't get it. YellowBeard got locked in a motel room with nothing but Denny's coffee and a computer. He had to work. He didn't get a vacation. Muffin Man and I went to the fair. Twice. We had fun. We saw all of the animals. And they had fireworks. It was cool. Then, we went to Voltaire's to listen to poetry. When we got there everybody left. I checked my breath. I remembered my Scope. I don't get it. Well, everybody left except HackMan. HackMan, YB and I went to eat. They sat us next to the bar. A band was playing. We had to yell at each other to be heard. Yelling is fun. Especially in a public place. We saw the animals. Then we went to HackMan's again, only on a different day, and we got there early. Necromancer beat us there. He is one of the "Lost Obfuscates". I guess I was impressed. We saw the animals. Muffin Man found every item in the Retreat that little babies aren't supposed to play with. It was fun chasing him around and taking cigarette butts and beer bottle caps away from him. We let him play with the musical instruments and electronic equipment. We figure he'll learn faster that way. Then we started home. We stopped by Lynx's lair. It was relatively clean, and Lynx let me sleep in his bed. He slept with YB. On the floor. Lynx is such a gentleman. He invited Gaviscon to pizza with us. We had fun. We saw the animals. We discussed expansion of the Museum of Objet de Obfuscation, especially now that we have so many new additions (the original Cyberkuat! What a coup!). We came home. YB went back to working. A week later we went to Portland Civic Stadium to see Bonnie Raitt and Bruce Hornsby and the Range. We ate at Jake's Crawfish House (1829 to 1994!) and we ate (you guessed....) crawfish. We stayed in a lovely hotel and drank champagne and did sinful things to each other. Muffin Man stayed with a sitter that trip. We had fun. We saw the animals. On the way home I dropped YB off at the bus terminal for a mega-hour long bus ride back to Ventura, so he could get a ride to Las Vegas so he could set up a computer for the US Dept. of Energy so that they could hide toxic waste in some dead hill. He isn't having fun and he hasn't seen any animals. But in there somewhere he was given a picture of a nuclear weapons test that happened back in 1952, in full color. I don't gnow why, I must be insane, but it's a cool picture. He was also given pictures of stealth aircraft. I could show them to you but I'd have to kill you later. That was my summer vacation. I guess I'm ready to go back to school. Yippee! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#51018" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:00:58 Comments : HAHAHA=2 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 963. Date: 09/19/94. Time: 18:57:35. Read 57 Times. From : The Hanged Man To : OBFUSCATES Subj : Uhhhhhhhhhh... Are you comfortable? Are you comfortable? Are you comfortable? Y'know, it doesn't get any better than this! Are you comfortable? Y'know, it doesn't get any better than this! Are you comfortable? Are you comfortable? Y'know, it doesn't get any better than this! It doesn't get comfortable! Are you any better than this? Y'know, it doesn't get any better than this! It doesn't get comfortable!Are you any better than this? It doesn't get comfortable!Y'know, it doesn't get any better than this! Are you any better than this?Are you any better than this?Are you any better than this? It doesn't get comfortable!It doesn't get comfortable! Y'know, it doesn't get any better than this!Y'know, it doesn't get any better than this! Y'know, it doesn't get any better than this! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#50989" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:01:09 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=4 OBFUSCATED=7 HUH?=1 BRAVO!=2 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 964. Date: 09/13/94. Time: 22:48:23. Read 70 Times. From : Lynx To : all Subj : DOINK! SPLAT! Lynx --==OBFUSCATE==-- (THE TAVERN) Sub op: ARWEN UNDOMIEL 39698 Messages From <17-50789> Time = 1436. Doink? : NO CARRIER SPLAT! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#50675" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:01:28 Comments : HAHAHA=2 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 965. Date: 09/04/94. Time: 22:57:22. Read 62 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : Number Two Subj : The dangers of taffeta comforters that fall to the floor RECEIVED PERMIFIED No, you don't have to ask me why I have it. Aren't you relieved?? Too bad, I'm going to tell you anyway. About 2 months ago, I started getting double vision in my third eye. It was annoying, but I was just getting used to it when the snow began to flicker. It was driving me nuts. My visions were so out of kilter and distorted, that I was reading them wrong and getting myself into a lot of trouble. I called my Psychic Friend and begged for a reading. She told me that beings from the nth dimension were terrified that I was going to tell the secret future of the universe, that they invented a device that could zap my third eye from vast dimensions away. She went on to say that if I crawled up the trail to Latigo Canyon on my belly like a reptile and yodeled in three octaves at once, that I would be led by a common garter snake to the Hut of His Most Holy. I sagely followed her advice and went through the ordeal. Once granted entry to the Hut of His Most Holy, I found a skinny old paranoid schizophrenic who mutely handed me a tube of CapzaSIN-P, which is pure creme of cayenne pepper. He mimed that I should rub it on my third eye. The second it touched my skin the picture cleared and looked just like cable. Yes, I began having a cablevision and I saw Ed MacMahon fondling Madonna. I screamed and switched channels. I saw Sufis whirling and swirling so fast they burned great circles in the wheat fields of England. I switched again and saw an infomercial for a new book by Dr. Zeus called Green Eggs and Spam. That was too much to take. I was disturbed by the programming my third eye had taken on. I looked at the skinny schiz and raised my eyebrows up and down. He started laughing so madly and maniacally that I realized that this old fart was nuttier than a Snicker. I hitched a ride down the hill and thought about beating up my Psychic Friend, but then I had to realize that without her I'd still be having double visions, with snow no less. Well, that's the story of why I got this stuff in the first place. Just think, without it, I'd be in screaming mimi pain with a broken toe. I just worked on my feet for 6 grueling hours. Pain free. BTW, you can get it in the pharmacy section of Thrifty. a.o. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#50353" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:01:42 Comments : HAHAHA=2 OBFUSCATED=23 BLAH=5000 PROMOTE ME=56 Message # 966. Date: 08/29/94. Time: 00:01:38. Read 74 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : Test PERMIFIED This is a test. This is only a test. This is not a test that is for you. You need not worry. This is not like the other tests that you face each and every day of your life. You are tested every day. Your intelligence is tested. Your wit is tested. Your patience is tested. Your reflexes are tested. Your survival skills are tested. Your memory is tested. Your strength is tested. Your faith is tested. Your health is tested. Your stamina is tested. Your morality is tested. Sometimes you pass the test; sometimes you fail. Then you are tested again, over and over, in the same subjects: sometimes passing, sometimes failing. This is not one of those tests. This is a test for me, not you. This is only test. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#50073" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:01:52 Comments : OBFUSCATED=35 BRAVO!=1 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=34 Message # 967. Date: 08/27/94. Time: 11:21:43. Read 87 Times. From : Number Two To : Kelpie, the bitch horse Subj : Importance is...........unimportant PERMIFIED What is creativity? Is it pure? Is it the will to create something that has never before existed? Is there anything that hasn't yet existed? Creativity exists only in reinventing and reordering the world around you. Taking what is given, is shown, is told, is pounded into you and molding it into something that's different, that's the sweetest part of the peach. Creativity exists only in not accepting everything the way that it is. Change will happen regardless. Jumping into the flow and directing some of the current yourself is what creativity is all about. Sometimes it consists of nothing more than taking pieces of other things and playing god to create your own creature. These creatures live, breath and are viable. The only viable efforts are creative ones. The only happy people, creative ones. Creativity is the essence of life itself, Life regenerating life. It's the only way that death can be cheated. From birth we are dying, a negative action. Creating, breathing life into things changes that balance. The goal of every human being should be to create leave more living things behind them than death could ever possible take away. You see it all around you, those who left so much here that it is almost as if they were still alive. That is creativity, giving life......nothing more nothing less Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#50000" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:02:01 Comments : WAY!=1 DOINK=1 BRAVO!=2 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 968. Date: 08/24/94. Time: 02:22:34. Read 53 Times. From : Stranger To : Hackintosh Subj : Doink! PERMIFIED 2000 calls. I was prepared to gloss over it and move onward with seeming uncaring and cool demeanor, but I have become ensnared in the thought- form that is 2000 calls to Hack's Retreat. I have made the decision to connect with the peoplenet on Hack's Retreat on 2000 separate occasions! 2000 times have I chosen to share myself and eat of everyone else, to teach, to confuse, to irritate, to befriend, to discordiate, to love. The Retreat has become alive with telecommunicate cries - - with yells and yawps, and sighs, and discourses, quotes, essays & obfuscated railings against mankind and simple dillusion, too. I have decided 2000 times to open myself to ridicule, embarrassment, contempt, appreciation, interest, and love. And I can say that I am happy for it... all the love of my life--and much of my hate--is concentrated right here. Is the Retreat important? Of course... is the Retreat on the downward spiral? * What is up & down to a mind/soul--what is direction to infinite speed? The Retreat is the Retreat, the same For Now and Forever; a poem written in space/time instead of ink, an eternity of yes that will always pervade, conquering and growing even as it changes into the distorted reflection of it's future self, only to Become once more--- ----------------------- an artform expressed in personality instead of | | color, more permanent than stone and only forgotten | THIS BOX | by each onrushing vanguard wave; repeated like | | litanies by pious new users; sung like anthems | RESERVED FOR | by gung-ho warriors of Obfuscation. | | * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * | DONATIONS. | +++---+++---+++---+++---+++---+++---+++---+++---+++ ----------------------- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Yes, the Retreat is important, undamaged and ever-renewed--- a gem of human interaction and emotion. Stranger e. X-ile Monsignor Lord Apathy Undulatis El Strango The Librarian BAron BOg Holder of the Seven Holy Figs of Olliramac MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#49882" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:02:14 Comments : BRAVO!=3 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 969. Date: 08/23/94. Time: 10:39:57. Read 43 Times. From : Jehan To : Hackintosh Subj : Doink! PERMIFIED So how come you never congratulate us for READING all seven million of Gravebuster's characters? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#49856" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:02:23 Comments : PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 970. Date: 08/11/94. Time: 14:53:53. Read 46 Times. From : Jehan To : Mojo IV Subj : WAcka doo Wacka doo RECEIVED I can live with a benign sense of tumor. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#49065" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:04:15 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 #970. Message # 971. Date: 08/06/94. Time: 22:23:06. Read 59 Times. From : Jehan To : Shay Pas Subj : Um... RECEIVED PERMIFIED Uhm... Shay Pasus...the SATs. Hack Manus...preys...oh, my Gravebusterus...maybe a little overbuilt Strangerus...making too much sense... or viking off in an entirely new direction Ann Otherworldus...Huxley's brave...but Annie O's Wilder Mikesterus...mixing it up again Ghostus...tutu obvious, but the mostus Mynk Lynkus...something's definitely missing here, but since it is my mind, what do I mind? Mojous...a juicy slug au jus, not thick at all Telluraus...a wake up call for us all Psychous...deeply disturbing jackie ohus...and the mockingbird quoth, "Nevermore." Sheaus...a SLO escapee Fink Ploydus...still missing after all these years KEnus...snuke?...Hey, I finally found an anagram! Jehanus...God, I'm roman way out on a limb TO BE CONTINUED AS INSPIRATION STRIKES... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#48688" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:04:38 Comments : HAHAHA=101 DOINK=1 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 972. Date: 07/31/94. Time: 13:12:25. Read 54 Times. From : Stranger To : ANN OTHERWORLD Subj : getting the lead out RECEIVED nearly lost to dalmation fun the last to gnow the last to learn and here we are and there we went wonder if our sense is bent; ohm I god oh ad o nai as I fly by thine eye the Spirit soars the Angel roars and mine eye closes to die begone foul punctuative demon down to below the lowest pit safe to see but not to gnow the fires of Hell are turned down low. Ah but back to the journey; lost in smoke like light in a mine, there for the dead and softly treading upon my head... ten thousand needles dancing upon yonder pate. Stranger MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#48023" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:04:55 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 973. Date: 07/26/94. Time: 23:20:53. Read 63 Times. From : Mikester To : The Music Man Subj : The Retreat, maybe RECEIVED PERMIFIED One should not feel one is hampered In writing rhymes; be not pampered By slavish care for meter or length For being unique is poetic strength One line can be very small The next line can hardly be considered by anyone to be small at all One line can end with a word like "fey" Only to be eye-rhymed with the word "key" Structure is okay And there is plenty to say For very strict form But when that poetic muse thumps you upon the head - "Art is whatever you can get away with," Warhol said And whatever one can get away with is fine by me As long as one puts it out for someone else to see. --M. :) MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#47411" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:05:24 Comments : BRAVO!=3 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 974. Date: 07/24/94. Time: 00:20:50. Read 87 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : An Ode to Choleric Wastrel PERMIFIED O Wastrel! cast us from our repose With your "Huhs" and "Whats" and "I don't knows" Choleric was not his nature, though it seemed That choleric responses were all that were gleaned From those he encountered, and whatever they said Pierced not that rock he used for a head. However, Wastrel he was, through and through, In that whatever it was he attempted to do He took up our time, and HACK MAN's hard drive And brain cells and patience took a very deep dive. From whence he came, one could not say Though speculation arose, day after day That no one could indeed be this dense Without being a politician, or a post in a fence. Most frightening indeed, was his origin true In Mikester's mind, a fact gnown to few - Though in concept a jest most hilarious In practice became a burden most nefarious. The creator of the Wastrel began to discover The thoughts of his creation started to hover Over his life, dragging down his thoughts And in the Wastel's mind he found himself caught. O quick Death! bring to a timely end This Wastrel, who only continues to send Writings that lack in polish and wit And only purpose is to give us all fits. Finally, a fortunate decision freed us all From the Choleric Wastrel, who held in his thrall The attention of those who encountered his spoor And could not believe a mind could be so poor. Dead he is now, in that he no longer torments All of use here with his queries and laments, But pity his poor creator, for it would appear The Wastrel lives on, between Mikester's two ears. In the end we are only as real as we seem To those who gnow us only by the screen Upon which appears the words that we write By which we live and die, in the reader's sight. O Wastrel! cast us from our repose With your "Huhs" and "Whats" and "I don't knows" MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#47174" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:05:38 Comments : BRAVO!=102 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 975. Date: 07/18/94. Time: 19:28:22. Read 66 Times. From : Mikester To : Mojo IV Subj : Mano a Mano RECEIVED PERMIFIED Naked BBSers unite! Revel in your clothing-impaired state, and expose your body to the unfettered deadly radiation pouring out of your monitor! Post away, unencumbered by society's constraints! --the Mikester (boy, is my chair cold!) MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#46878" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:05:49 Comments : HAHAHA=2 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 976. Date: 07/13/94. Time: 19:51:40. Read 78 Times. From : Bard of Winter To : all Subj : greetings I am the Bard of Winter and I will be roaming this board in search of inspiration and knowledge. I greet you all as free persons and hope to enjoy my stay here. I will also post anything that someone here inspires me to write. I am the personal bard of the Queen of Frost and she bids me to send her greetings as well. I will leave you with the words of another bard, from another time: "FEAR knocked on the door of Faith. And lo, when FAITH opened the door there was no one there, for Fear has no place in the house of Faith." Keep the Faith. The Bard MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#46227" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:06:25 Comments : BRAVO!=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 977. Date: 07/13/94. Time: 18:10:23. Read 80 Times. From : Custos To : all Subj : goodbye Thank you to everyone who has chatted with me or responded to my posts, but Custos will be leaving soon. For all of you anxiously awaiting the next episode of the Jackie Ho\Custos soap opera, I'm afraid there won't be one. During the typing of the next episode, Jackie, purely by accident, drove a rather large icicle through my heart and the cold and numbness are spreading fast. I'm afraid that she has managed to kill me. Custos is dead. Custos is dead. Custos is dead. May Jackie live a happy life, and thank whatever you believe in that death usually isn't permanent. See you all next life........................................................................... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#46226" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:06:51 Comments : WHO CARES=1 GIVE ME A BREAK!=2 BLAH=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 978. Date: 07/08/94. Time: 21:46:14. Read 95 Times. From : Mikester To : All Subj : The Retreat, maybe PERMIFIED Ack squish doink bink I'm not sure what I should think There's everything here but the kithen sink And it is almost like a zoo. Doink squish bink ack Lots of messages there's no lack, So even if I call with my Mac There's plenty for me to do. Squish bink ack doink There's nothing that really rhymes with doink, So this line will also end with doink Even if it really looks like poo. Bink ack doink squish For decent rhymes I've had to fish; I'm ending this line with Lillian Gish What else could be used in lieu? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#45661" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:07:09 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=104 WOW!=2 PROMOTE ME=5 Message # 979. Date: 07/07/94. Time: 20:54:18. Read 76 Times. From : KEn To : all Subj : Demons while I wake IIII PERMIFIED Absolutly simple, this new life, it's as if I exists and yet dont..... Last nites walk was strangly familiar, as if it's one I've taken before, until I came upon a fair maiden, alone.... We talked for a while, she seemed quite nice, then the voices started, they dont bother me much these days.... where were you when I needed all of you to make them stop!!!! I had to yeild to them, dont you see, they are a part of me, for whatever good or bad... most likely the later, I'm afriad. I let her go... to sweet for even me, maybe another time I thought, at that precise moment, a wave of crystal clear clarity came upon me. I went to the nearest club and found what I needed... To scared to move yet looking at me eyes as trusting as a newborns, I set about the final deed for the nite, only to find that this one was one of us (me).. that's explains the trustting look.... I cant tell you what pleasure I had to realize that she was the one whose boyfriend I had found only days earlier.. Nothing much else happenned that nite, save for two lost soles intertwinning in the nite... It may not save us, but for now, at least a litlle while, both our voices have stopped........ Wonderous is the finds you find when you dont expect to... They can be sweeter and more truthfull than anything this world has to offer... I REmain MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#45513" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:07:39 Comments : OBFUSCATED=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 980. Date: 07/07/94. Time: 20:48:56. Read 80 Times. From : KEn To : all Subj : stuff....... Isnt it amazing how one can just find words outta thin air when you've been drinking... So tonight was gonna be quite.. after working 12 hours, that seemed to be the thing to do..... HA... Now there's a house full of people and I of course had to get tagged with a 7 and 7 with a twist.... 6 so far... the nite is looking up after all.. I suppose I should stop rambling and put another storie on the press.. Perhaps I will... you all wil let me gnow, if any one of these stories strikes your fancy...... I mean they may be sick, but hey, they're mine.... I REmain MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#45510" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:07:45 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 #980. Message # 981. Date: 07/04/94. Time: 14:04:39. Read 80 Times. From : jackie ho To : all Subj : .... if you think about it, the more you post about how long it takes to read all of the posts, the more posts there are to read..... jackie ho MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#44917" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:08:05 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 982. Date: 07/03/94. Time: 05:41:30. Read 94 Times. From : Tellura To : all Subj : uh PERMIFIED You gnow, I've never done this before. Typong in the dark, because I'm too damn lazy to turn on the desk lamp... ^see what I mean? I've never pulled an all-nighter before. Here I am, at, as Vampire would say, "Oh-my-God-fucking-early" trying to peck out a non-intelligible post in the early am light Listening to eMpTyV playing in the background... Robert fell asleep a while ago, leaving me to the mercies of the computer and TV I can barely keep my vivion straight, I'm so wired.. a whole pot of coffee in one sitting... Oh jeez... They're playing an ad from the 80's preservation society again... and my hands are shaking, which would attribute to my typing accuracy going down and down and down... Why do we have that, anyway? Oh, looking up, I see I erringly typed "vivion" that is supposed to be vision, really it is. I'm in a bizzare old mood and well, I don't know what I'm doing, beating my frustrations out on a defensless computer to all you BBS people out in computer-monitor-land... ack. At 6, I'm supposed to wake Robert up and we are going to walk to the grocery store and buy donuts and maybe then I'll fall asleep. These are just random musings, I hope you don't mind, you're just an eye to type in Shit, I can't believe what I'm typing here... I need a cigarette, and I just smoked my last one about 2 hours ago, and I'm not about to steal one of Robert's... blech. I get this feeling that this post is gfoing to be BOgged... I know it... but is it BOgworthy? T- 4 minutes and counting before I am gone/... Oh wait... they're playing Nine Inch Nails on eMpTyV... hold on a sec... perhaps its not as empty as I thought... too bad they had to censor it... They use pigs heads and sides of beef in interesting ways in thjis video..., it's very interesting. There is this big grey cat outside in the backyard who seems to want to be let in... but this isn't my house, It's not my prerogative to invite houseguests. Well, I've missed most of the video by now... Oh well. This post will end shortly, by the way... as soon as I come to a good place to end it... here looks nice. Tell... In a rambling mood MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#44529" BY Mojo IV ON 01/31/96 AT 01:09:02 Comments : HAHAHA=1 RASPBERRYS=1 DOINK=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 983. Date: 02/01/96. Time: 06:28:54. Read 65 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : all Subj : Last Transmission and Testimony The moment is here. The last day of Ann Otherworld on the Retreat from Amerika. I can hear the cheers and boos...loud loud in my ears as I sit at this periodic table with 99 beer bottles strewn around me. Yes, I am drunk...inebriated..elated...seeing ghosts. I was going to go out with a big bang and create an whole new universe, but my energies are focused in only one direction. EAST!!!!! So, relax.... I will not blowup Hackintosh...life on the Retreat will continue as abnormal and I will soon be a dim memory... until Hack hint hint gets the telnet link going. Hey Falco you fuck....bring me ann other round... 99 bottles of beer on the wall fall at my feet...all breaking and spewing...covering me with suds and foam...making me feel like I just scored the winning run in the stupor bowl and I'm in the Locker Room and believe me I will check it out before I depart. Depart I play is a crazy one and I wouldn't change the role for the world. I sure wouldn't want to go around having to sing, i've got the wholllleee whirrled in my hand... wow I'd bounce it like a super ball and knock everyone out of gravity's rainbow. Arc, the drunken angels sing....bring the bitch ann other round and keep it off the ground. Ah, much better...they begin floating off the wall one by one and in a slinky slowmotion snake dance they move toward me and as fast as they appear, I cheer loudly and chug-a-lug until all 99 are floating in my belly...ever wonder where the Lost Sea is? Slice me open, I dare you. I will flood this tavern and little mermaids and mermen will be swimming before your eyes and Neptune's trident will poke holes in every theory you ever had. You've been had you've been had. I never existed. I was just a thought-form come to life when I had to be seen in the flesh. I am actually a cyberbot programmed to wreak a little havoc wherever needed. heheh I now feel myself slipping into a coma and the reeking aroma of alcohol no longer wafts up my nose. Kiss my big toe..the one with the tag. My cold blue lips whisper, so long.....it was nice to gnow you... death rattles begin shaking and the shaman in me rises to the occasion and says cryptically..double, your pleasure is mine. With that I grab a vine and swing out of here launching myself into the wild blue yonder...... ahoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75297" BY Mojo IV ON 02/02/96 AT 04:21:18 Comments : PROMOTE ME=3 Message # 984. Date: 01/25/96. Time: 14:09:54. Read 70 Times. From : Moonshadow To : all Subj : PERMIFIED I walk With hands bound I walk with my chest empty I walk with the shadow of my past behind me I walk an endless mile I walk without smile only an emptiness surrounds me the blood of my battles covers me I scream for help but no one hears me I cannot live I have not the will to die I walk a tortured slave to my chosen path A path of emotion... Moonshadow MOVED FROM "Love-#11301" BY Kassi ON 02/02/96 AT 20:22:57 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 985. Date: 02/03/96. Time: 00:14:59. Read 48 Times. From : Moon Dancer To : Kassi Subj : Suck shit asswipe.... RECEIVED PERMIFIED once again, your post speaks for itself. whorelovers Like me???? the only time ive been with anything like a whore was the night with you. Dance on the Moon Moon Dancer MOVED FROM "Hall of Flame!-#7914" BY KEn ON 02/03/96 AT 19:49:27 Message # 986. Date: 02/04/96. Time: 19:45:17. Read 44 Times. From : Kassi To : Fire Subj : Suck shit asswipe.... PERMIFIED Hahahaha....that's funny...when I think about Ken (which is hardly ever to be truthfully honest) I think of rainbow brite riding in an orange helicopter laughing about all the barbie's she could fuck! MOVED FROM "Hall of Flame!-#7968" BY KEn ON 02/05/96 AT 08:56:16 Comments : WAY!=1 ARGH!=1 Message # 987. Date: 02/04/96. Time: 14:44:57. Read 67 Times. From : Mojo IV To : all Subj : THE *EVIL* INDEX PERMIFIED Presenting.... THE OFFICIAL RETREAT *EVIL* INDEX Compiled by Mojo IV, 53rd Among Equals, xth amongst Evils The following is a record all the posts numbered 666 on all the subs and who posted them, so all of you can truly gnow who you're dealing with on this BBS. Subboard *EVIL* Person ----------------------------------------------------------------- THE TAVERN -- Peggy THE SOAP BOX -- Racer X The Obfuscatorium -- Yellowbeard The Library -- The Music Man The Storyboard -- Ubik The Path of the Eternal Kumquat -- Hack Man The Temple of Dillusion -- The Music Man The Dimensional Nexus -- Mikester The People's Republic of the... Anti-Poster's -- Moean Law Sucks -- The Music Man The Pi Room -- Arwen Undomial Love -- Adonijah The Bleak Cafe (Jehan's Toybox) -- Ghost 3am Club -- Dillinger Sub-Ops Den -- Ubik Statistics Department -- Ashiqui Demented Herbarium -- Gizmo Science and Technology -- Ann Otherworld For Women Only -- Tellura The Hall of Flame! -- The Music Man Media Madness -- Unka Buck The Courtroom -- Skurkey The Hidden Temple of Eris -- SHADE The Obvious Temple of Nike -- Ann Otherworld Turbomessage Software News -- Gizmo Downloader's Anonymous -- Mojo IV Strangeland -- GOD. The Blue Room -- Stranger Mikester's Comic CORNER -- Jehan The BOg of Eternal Stench -- Racer X The Hall of Fame -- Stranger ------------------------------------------------------------------ Totals = Subs Scanned = 40 Subs Accepted = 36 Subs Sank = 12 Subs Andwiches = 3.14_ Evil People = Lots Not Evil People = None OUTPUT: Name # of hits Evil Quotient ------------------------------------------------------------------ Peggy 1 2.7% Racer X 2 5.5% Yellowbeard 1 2.7% The Music Man 4 11.1% Ubik 2 5.5% Hack Man 1 2.7% Mikester 1 2.7% Moean 1 2.7% Arwen Undomial 1 2.7% Adonijah 1 2.7% Ghost 1 2.7% Dillinger 1 2.7% Ashiqui 1 2.7% Gizmo 2 5.5% Ann Otherworld 2 5.5% Saxon Violynz 1 2.7% Unka Buck 1 2.7% Skurkey 1 2.7% SHADE 1 2.7% Mojo IV 1 2.7% GOD. 1 2.7% Stranger 2 5.5% Jehan 1 2.7% Total: 76.62% Unknown Evil: 23.38% TOP EVIL: ------------------------- The Music Man 11.1% (big surprise there...) MOVED FROM "EMAIL-#35116" BY HACK MAN ON 02/04/96 AT 13:56:25 MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75367" BY HACK MAN ON 02/05/96 AT 09:16:41 Comments : HAHAHA=1 OBFUSCATED=34 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 988. Date: 02/06/96. Time: 13:12:45. Read 50 Times. From : ice-queen To : all Subj : PERMIFIED the curtain fell about 4pm leaving the window bare the camel in the trenchcoat stared as the girl with the purple hair tied her shoe..the pumpkins grew in the garden in abundence and the cat dance's in the yard to the audience of loud crys of wait I've got food in my mouth and will join you soon. after the clock strikes 10 the real party begins and the all important figure who ties this all togethor appears only to dissapear again.......... MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75398" BY Mojo IV ON 02/06/96 AT 15:26:08 Message # 989. Date: 08/10/88. Time: 12:20:42. Read 252 Times. From : Tech Lord To : All Subj : The Bell Captian RECEIVED PERMIFIED Here is a little discusion I had after I gave the guy a nice tip, the un grateful bastard. I told him a thing or two: b TIP HOW MUCH? : 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888889000 THANK YOU "VERY MUCH!" SAYS THE BELL CAPTAIN. TIE ON = 864. (MAIN MENU) SELECT : b TIP HOW MUCH? : WHAT?! YOU ass HOLE! I tip you ^^ that much, all you can say is X?! I OUGHT TO Rip your neck off fucker. THNK YOU "VERY MUCH!" SAYS THE BELL CAPTAIN. TME ON = 896. (MAIN MENU) SELECT : b TI HOW MUCH? : THANK YOU "VERY MUCH!" SAYS THE BELL CAPTAIN. TIME ON = 898. (MAIN MENU) SELECT : b TIP HOW MUCH? : ARE you trying to be funny? You little coward. SHIT HEAD.. THANK YOU "VERY MUCH!" SAYS THE BELL CAPTAIN. TIME ON = 915. (MAIN MENU) SELECT : b TIP HOW MUCH? : How about instead of tipping you, I rip off your head? THANK YOU "VERY MUCH!" SAYS THE BELL CAPTAIN. TIME ON = 929. (MAIN MENU) SELECT : Y GET REAL! CHOOSE FROM THE MENU. TIME ON = 932. (MAIN MENU) SELECT : O OTHER BBS NUMBERS. COMPILED BY HACK'S RETREAT. TIME ON = 934. (MAIN MENU) SELECT : b TIP HOW MUCH? : YOU ASS HOLE, You just keep clear of me OK? THANK YOU "VERY MUCH!" SAYS THE BELL CAPTAIN. TIME ON = 100. (MAIN MENU) SELECT : After this, I got so riled, I just put him through one of the walls. It seems he is still in business though, and all he does is says THANK YOU VERY MUCH... Why I oughta.... -Tech MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#116" BY Mojo IV ON 02/06/96 AT 17:12:41 Comments : PROMOTE ME=20001 Message # 991. Date: 02/06/96. Time: 23:38:57. Read 45 Times. From : Mojo IV To : all Subj : HEY LOOK AT THIS!!!!THE *EVIL* INDEX HEY, LOOK! I found a way to post DIRECTLY to the HALL OF FAME!!!! Isn't this great?? Lets EVERYONE start doing it! All you have to do is USER LOGGED OFF Comments : HAHAHA=1 OBFUSCATED=34 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 992. Date: 02/06/96. Time: 23:03:49. Read 55 Times. From : Mikester To : harold Subj : hell RECEIVED How rude. Plus, he paid no attention to my lesson on "your" vs. "you're." --M. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75426" BY Mojo IV ON 02/07/96 AT 02:05:32 Comments : HAHAHA=3 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 993. Date: 02/06/96. Time: 00:42:39. Read 71 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : Today's Lesson you're = you are your = possessive form you're = you are your = possessive form you're = you are your = possessive form you're = you are your = possessive form you're = you are your = possessive form you're = you are your = possessive form you're = you are your = possessive form you're = you are your = possessive form you're = you are your = possessive form Next lesson: "its" vs. "it's" --M. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75395" BY Mojo IV ON 02/07/96 AT 02:13:17 Message # 994. Date: 02/07/96. Time: 02:48:27. Read 70 Times. From : Mojo IV To : all Subj : THE RETREAT: A Biography PERMIFIED In the Retreat, you will find the following people. Please, no flash photography or nude Energy syphons... the Retreaters are especially sensitive. Their descriptions follow: HACK MAN: Born in Sri Lanka following the Great Rabbit Exodus of 1923, Hack Man worked as a Quality Control Coordinator at a United States Army K-ration plant from 1930-1945. He then journeyed to the planet Gnome in search of a cure for Kleenex Deprivation Syndrome, and promptly discovered a new THING: DOINK! He also created the Universe and empowered his big toe with divine powers in his spare time. Mikester: An unsung hero of his time, Mike E. Ster Ling was a major mover & shaker in the marxist movements of China in the early 20th century. Born to poor textile workers, he clawed his way to the top of the industry and began liberating the industrial proletariat and re-installing them as hard drive head cleaners. His current whereabouts are unknown: It is rumoured that, in the center of the Universe, he BObs on a undulating mass of protoplasm named Azathoth(although some people say its actually Dick Clark). Number Two: Found wandering the streets of Athens by the legendary hero Hercules, Kevin Hawkman was raised by the mightiest warriors who ever lived. Upon reaching his age of majority, he was promptly hit by a runaway elephant and rushed to a nearby apothecary, wherein he was subject to strange chemicals that accelerated his hair growth and made him what he is today: THE EVIL BEARD LORD. The Beard is LIFE. All who do not worship it shall PERISH! KEn: Known worldwide for his achievements in aeronautics, KEn was born, fully formed, out of an old refridgerator in Glasgow, Scotland. He set out to conquer the invading Visigoths and met limited results. He is currently head of the Leavenworth, Kansas chapter of the "Worldwide Anti-War against Tooth Decay" movement. Stranger: None of the witnesses ever made it to the stand. Ann Otherworld: Wrongly believed to have been a plant by a band of pro-BINK sympathizers, Annie O was promptly vindicated, and given power over everything starting with the letter P. She then worked on a new, unabridged version of Wagner's "Ring of Nebulon", which had been playing off-Broadway for 29 weeks before it had finished its first performance. Currently living in Portugal, under the name Semprini. Jehan: After escaping her death by stake burning in England, Jehan fled to Brazil on a Kon-tiki raft, leaving behind her beloved France that she'd taken up the sword to protect. The natives who met her on the shore promptly carried her up to the top of the mountains and flung her into a volcano. Unfortunately, this volcano was full of Coca Colar slushies(which I guess is fortunate for her), and she managed to escape using a concealed straw. When last seen, she was teaching Esperanto to foreign exchange students in Austria. Tellura: Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons they called her! But they were drunk, what did she care? For she worked as a stripper in Venice in her early years. eventually transferring to the Pope's personal harem of dancing girls, wherein she replaced him with and evil duplicate and made good her escape. She fled to Zaire, wherein at the behest of a native shaman she took large ammounts of hallucinogeons and began talking to elephants in their native tongues. Currently on loan to Timothy Leary. The Necromancer: This foul, psychopathic killer is responsible for not only the deaths of millions of Jethro Tull fans, but also their livestock. In 1969, he infected millions of albums with the so-called "Peace and Brotherhood Virus for Annihilating Train Watchers", just to see what would happen. Well, it happened. Currently listening to Blue Traveler. Kassius: Hand selected from a specially trained group of seasoned operatives, Kas E. Us fights a never ending war to stop the evil terrorist forces of COLA. Licensed to kill, her preferred weapon is the disintegration lipstick. One good kiss, and, well... its not pretty, folks. Last seen in robes, carrying a lantern, looking for an honest man. Aphrodite: After winning the Nobel Hate Prize for her works at beating up small, defenseless woodland creatures, she began her study, here at the Retreat, of how much wood a woodchuck actually could chuck. And she's still counting. Lady K: Still wanted by Interpol, after all these years. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75446" BY HACK MAN ON 02/07/96 AT 20:37:25 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=4 BRAVO!=2 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=5 Message # 995. Date: 01/12/96. Time: 11:15:45. Read 67 Times. From : Mojo IV To : Fire Subj : females vs. males RECEIVED PERMIFIED Nope. My attitude(which I admit, is a bit excessive of late) about feeling sterotyped is based off past work experience: If I were to make a comment about a female coworkers butt, regardless of who I said it to or if she heard it or not, that is sexual harrasment. I AGREE with that assessment, btw. HOWEVER, if a female coworker makes a comment about MY butt... (well, I wouldn't mind, actually) HOWEVER: The actual essense of sexual harassment is "being made uncomfortable by a person of the opposite sex because of your gender." That DOES happen. I've been in jobs (still am, in fact) where I have walked on eggshells constantly, afraid of who I which of the women I was going to set off on another "Oh, god, you MEN are such PIGS!" tirades. I left a job in '94 at an answering service because I'd spent 6 months being told how horrible I was SIMPLY because I was a man. This, to me, is how a male gets sexually harrassed -- but there is NO way your bosses will do anything about it if you complain, because "men don't get sexually harassed". It just seems to me that the Women's Rights movement needs to balance itself out -- I was raised in a very egalitarian household, I personally believe that men and women are totally equal and I do not have different attitudes based on gender(actually, I lie... I am nicer to women, but I think that's hormonal or something). Modern feminism has gone to great lengths to assure that women are given their full legal rights and that men cannot treat them like shit anymore. The only reason it still happens is because (statistically) the women sexual abuse, physical abuse, and sexual harassment still happens to are too afraid to report it or are convinced that it will go away on its own. However, there is little to no legal protection for men under similar circumstances. If my boss tells me I have to sleep with her to get a promotion, where can I go? I can't do anything about it, because of the attitude of society at large. I am not saying I'm just a poor hard done by white male. HOWEVER, Being a white male does not automatically make me sexist or racist, and THAT is where the counter-prejudice comes in. Turn on MTV for a few hours during a "rap" marathon... eventually you're going to see SOME african american guy go on-and-on about how all white guys are racist, "keepin' da brotha down", etc, etc. That hurts after awhile. Especially to me: When I was 11 I made ONE comment about the downsides of having brown skin that really hurt a bunkmate of mine's feelings... I spent the next 8 years or so utterly paranoid about what I might say and really against racism, simply on the grounds of I didn't like to see peoples feelings hurt. Ugh, I'm ranting... I hate it when I rant MOVED FROM "Love-#10610" BY Kassi ON 02/11/96 AT 19:34:45 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=11 Message # 996. Date: 12/28/95. Time: 22:49:34. Read 82 Times. From : aphrodite To : all Subj : love... PERMIFIED Love is the creamy dream through the pie-in-the-sky glasses that squishes around and falls through the cracks of the goo of life... Love smashes it's whipped dream cream over thick luscious syrupy warm and melty spots... Love splatters stickily upon glazed-lips that squeeze out sugar seeking to decorate and adorn those hearts garnished a maraschino-cherry red... Love drips down my hand from the heat of it's long day of work, adhering my appetightly to the cone it cascades over in it's puddleward descent... Love can suck or be sucked upon and all in all it may not either whichever way it *doinks* you in whatever place and hides while you seek or viceversa... aphrodite MOVED FROM "Love-#10061" BY Kassi ON 02/11/96 AT 19:35:46 Comments : WAY!=1 WHO CARES=1 GROAN.=1 WOW!=1 BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 997. Date: 02/01/96. Time: 06:52:09. Read 72 Times. From : Kassi To : All Subj : My favorite long distance friend PERMIFIED Well this is it! She's on her way out the door...and right into Portugal.. I'll miss her with all my heart...no more hagaing with her at the retreat..no more carrots flapping in the wind...no more laughing at loud amongst the voices in the kitchen on friday nights..I love her with all my heart and I'm beating myself for not getting to know her better than I should have...she was so easy to understand and get along with...everything was wacky and crazy and now I don't know what I'm going to do after she leaves...I'm gonna mis her long bizarre posts and her perkiness...SHe was someone I could relate to in a lot of ways...I truly love her with all that I have and I dont' think that there will ever be ANNyOTHER that could fill the place that she's left in my heart..she helped see somethings that I've never seen before... THat is the greatest gift anyone could ever give....She is one of the most special people that I know..I will cherish her always and never forget the good times...I'll miss you Ann...Have fun out there in the romance!:) I hope the best for you...keep in touch..and remember me always... As Number 2 would say "Be Seeing You?" Farewell my precious friend... MOVED FROM "Love-#11442" BY Kassi ON 02/11/96 AT 19:39:33 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 998. Date: 02/02/96. Time: 00:16:11. Read 71 Times. From : Shay Pas To : all Subj : tally ho! PERMIFIED "you're incredibly cheerful for someone s'dry..." warm felt tipped smiles are exchanged one chapter of polly jean is closed. denny's "how's 'bout a nice 'n juicy puke-me-now Grand Slamm... scrambled sausage 'stead o'bacon thanks" cordelia (yay) gives her order precisely yet slow enough to jot she glances over the waitress in her pauses tapping feet to the other's reebok beat melodied by her own waitress' shifting it's sunday trick-or-treat day for the local chapter it's sunday purposeful day for the group sportscasting, but hey mehebe somethin'll happen we wait. the lady of our divine mourning scuttles away (Rasa picks up the carafe the unit has watery orange juice inside Rasa pours the juice into her warm scratched pinch glass Rasa stops Rasa places the carafe back atop the table) the motions are poetry to sunday's delia Joyous migit digits that glide along the caresseous lean neck of the carafe joyous thinly opaque juice falls away accenting that appealingly spelled "LITRES" joyous digits holding fast eeii the juice slips way to the seamless stockings a silence is felt til cut within a blink sunday's delia is amused delia at denny's is a sight she unfailingly remarks on how all the waitresses in their crispt short-sleeved shirts, ironed slacks and bright ties they're all lesbians! so amusing she's tortured but she has fun rasa is drawn to sabbat and picks up tales for julia's horror and her own of sorts. MOVED FROM "Strangeland-#1249" BY Stranger ON 02/12/96 AT 16:41:01 Message # 999. Date: 01/24/96. Time: 21:01:45. Read 77 Times. From : Saxon Violynz To : all Subj : "invisible man" PERMIFIED shadow dancing with a pillow and a fantasy clasped tight in arms aznd heart eyes i never see arms i never feel love i'll never know dancing alone to music that doesn't even exist whirling in a ballroom of threadbare carpet and garage-sale chandeleirs. i voice i never hear whispers to me softly, calling me inside... shadow dancing. my eyes tightly closed to prevent disappointment of the reality i've drunk of daily... the whispers call me loudly, loudly, breaking me out of the trance of love as the illusion fades my shadow lover dissipates to become the invisible man. sax, 96 MOVED FROM "Strangeland-#1232" BY Stranger ON 02/12/96 AT 16:42:04 Comments : WAY!=1 RASPBERRYS=1 OBFUSCATED=1 OH MY GOD!=1 Message # 1000. Date: 02/12/96. Time: 16:42:42. Read 51 Times. From : Stranger To : Blau Reiders Subj : Incoming!!!!! PERMIFIED Obfuscation is dead. Long live Obfuscation. St Ranger MOVED FROM "Strangeland-#1270" BY Stranger ON 02/12/96 AT 16:43:27 Comments : BOG ME=9001 #1000. Message # 1001. Date: 02/08/96. Time: 21:10:02. Read 96 Times. From : Terminal To : All Subj : My God! Scratch one more sub. That makes, at last count, I believe 6. Yes, seems my access to The Bog, has been restricted. For what reason, I really don't know. Maybe within another 100 logins, or so, I'll make it down to, oh, perhaps 2 subs? My. Paranoia? Naw. Can't be. No way. The subops KNOW. I'm sure there's reason, of course. There must be. Ack. Just noticed something, I've lost access to the Comic Archives. A sub I never even posted on. You guys could at least be consistent. Lock me out of all the subs, in the very least, for the sake of completion. Of all these numerous subs I've, um, managed to lose access to. I actually was able to regain access to ONE. My God. It seems that only happened, of course, because the sub was fucked over, and no one has taken the time to lower my access, again. The subops will stand by their decisions. That I'm sure of. They're the chosen few, they know what they're doing. So it is, at the Retreat. Terminal MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75480" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/12/96 AT 22:06:32 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=55 WHO CARES=23 BRAVO!=1 BLAH=23 PROMOTE ME=5 Message # 1002. Date: 02/07/96. Time: 12:36:45. Read 84 Times. From : Gizmo To : all Subj : joke 2 tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place. He deides to confront the rearmost tiger, and asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the butt?" The other tiger replied: "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a HealthNet executive and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth." MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75451" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/12/96 AT 22:06:40 Comments : WAY!=1 HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=11 Message # 1003. Date: 11/05/95. Time: 16:04:28. Read 82 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : ?! I COULD POST SOMETHING HERE, BUT THAT WOULD BE TELLING. C- - - MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus-#4100" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/12/96 AT 22:08:03 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1004. Date: 05/11/95. Time: 14:54:39. Read 102 Times. From : Dr. Van Van Mojo IV To : all Subj : drums... PERMIFIED deep within somewhere the call of ancient drums is heard By things forgotten bred out of what I am and what i can become Born of emotions forced out into darkness and styxx Does it matter? Is it worth remembering? I feel the drumming course through tendon and bone I feel it burst through shield and armor into the soul within As if laying siege a fortress And marching into the hidden antechambers of the King within And bringing him to life again What have I become? Out of the Darkness and into the twilight of life, walking the razor's edge and crying over what I lost but never really had MOVED FROM "The Dimensional Nexus-#3484" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/12/96 AT 22:08:25 Comments : BRAVO!=2 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1005. Date: 02/09/96. Time: 06:54:43. Read 69 Times. From : Jehan To : Nara Subj : oh well RECEIVED If wishes were horses, beggers would ride jet skis. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75485" BY Nara ON 02/13/96 AT 15:55:29 Comments : PROMOTE ME=12 Message # 1006. Date: 02/12/96. Time: 15:40:53. Read 68 Times. From : JUNGLE-GIRL To : asquishy Subj : large crabs Two week ago I went down two the gutter to get some fish. A large crab procided to start talking to me. well you see I wasn't on any thing so I got worried. Any ways this Crab told me to go to the Beach. So I, being really hog wild, ran to the beach to see what was up. To my excitment there was a stranded whale. A large crew of baywatch was franticuly trying to get the whale back in to the ocean THE lazy ass that I was justed watch. YOU see i was frightned of the Ocean I wouldn,t go near it. .... The whale died three hours later. the chain they were using strangled him to death. Instead of letting the whale carcus just waste away. they fed him to the large crab in the gutter.The large crab then went crazy and ddstarted an all out war on the human race so now all the beast of the world are murdering the bigest beast of alll the homosapian... Watch out the beast is coming JUngle-girL MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75587" BY Nara ON 02/13/96 AT 16:09:49 Comments : PROMOTE ME=11 Message # 1007. Date: 02/14/96. Time: 23:31:20. Read 59 Times. From : Mikester To : harold Subj : warning this contains explicet material not appropiate for childern under 18.... RECEIVED PERMIFIED I'm sure some of that must be insulting...if you had any grasp of syntax. Is English your first language, or have you yet developed enough forebrain power to achieve any sufficient communication abilities? You might want to work on the opposable thumb thing, too. --M. MOVED FROM "Hall of Flame!-#8099" BY KEn ON 02/15/96 AT 15:04:07 Comments : WAY!=9001 BRAVO!=9001 OUCH!=23 PROMOTE ME=9001 Message # 1008. Date: 02/21/96. Time: 10:03:07. Read 51 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : LOVE CAN WORK PERMIFIED DON'T WHINE AND COMPLAIN SO MUCH. YOU'RE LOOKING AT A GUY WHO WAS A 30+ YEAR OLD VIRGIN WHO HAD ONE SHORT RELATIONSHIP, WHO WAS PREPARING TO SLIDE INTO THE ETERNAL LIFE OF HERMIT COMPUTER HACKER. WHO ONE DAY LOOKED AROUND AND DIDN'T QUITE LIKE WHERE THINGS WERE GOING AND BECAME DETERMINED AGAINST ALL ELSE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. LOST 150 POUNDS, CHANGED HIS WORLD VIEW, STARTED ACTUALLY ASSOCIATING WITH PEOPLE IN THEIR CORPOREAL FORM, APPEALED FOR DIVINE INTERVENTION, ETC. I HAVE TO SAY THAT RESULTS WERE MORE THAN PERFECT. THROUGH UNDETERRABLE CHANCE I'VE MANAGED TO FIND SOMEONE WHO IS SO COMPATIBLE THAT IT DEFIES LOGICAL EXPLINATION AND I HAVE TO SAY THAT MOST OF MY INTENSE EFFORTS WERE WASTED EXCEPT PERHAPS TO DEMONSTRATE TO MYSELF AND WHOM/WHATEVER HOW SERIOUS I WAS. NOW I'M SO HAPPY THAT IF I WAS ANY HAPPIER I WOULD PROBABLY SPRAIN SOMETHING, AND I'M GETTING MARRIED ON AUGUST 10TH. INVITATIONS WILL BE FORTHCOMING. SO ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT IT CAN BE DONE. BUT IT'S NOT NECESSARILY EASY, AND IF IT DOES HAPPEN IT MIGHT HAPPEN WETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. :) C- - - MOVED FROM "Love-#11760" BY Kassi ON 02/21/96 AT 19:35:40 Message # 1009. Date: 02/20/96. Time: 01:08:47. Read 72 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : Pool. Er, Poll. Question #176. 62 votes. 19.62% voted. Are you a cute little fairy that plays Zoom! all day? A: Yes! 12 votes. 19.35% B: No! 11 votes. 17.74% C: No, I'm Choleric Wastrel? 7 votes. 11.29% D: Are you questioning my sexuality? 15 votes. 24.19% E: I *EAT* fairies! 17 votes. 27.42% *** I'd like to point out that only one person who picked "c" answered truthfully. But I'll never tell who. --M. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75783" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/22/96 AT 00:09:18 Comments : PROMOTE ME=23 Message # 1010. Date: 02/19/96. Time: 18:14:19. Read 78 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : Hmmmm.... Hmmm...Nara seems to call, usually, at about the same time Mr. Gone does.... So.... ...Nara is Ghost! --M. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75770" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/22/96 AT 00:09:39 Comments : NO WAY!=1 HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=24 #1010. Message # 1011. Date: 02-14-96. Time: 18:55. Read 81 Times. From : Grazz't To : ALL Subj : Valentines Day I just wanna say, FUCK SOCIETY AND IT'S SHIT SUCKING HOLIDAY'S DESINGED TO LINE THE POCKETS OF CONFECTIONARY MOGULS.. ¯ Disclaimer: Pre-coffee reply. Possible mental errors. --- MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75672" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/22/96 AT 00:09:46 Comments : HAHAHA=1 BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=2 Message # 1012. Date: 02/12/96. Time: 16:02:05. Read 67 Times. From : Gizmo To : Fire Subj : YIPEE RECEIVED US Education isnt about teaching students to be the future of America. Its about teaching the retarded how to not get shortchanged when they operate the register at Taco Bell. Its about teaching English as a second language. Its about teaching kids how to program in BASIC on Apple 2's, and if you DARE to use hires graphics or enter the mini-assembler, you flunk because your overqualified! Its not about learning anymore. It hasnt been for quite a while - probably sometime around when America stopped caring about being competitive. My generation makes me sick. Peers older than I have sold their soles - not for money like the corporate ladderClimbers they love to hate, who probably retain a great deal of freedom when you think about it... but to their own parents. They go to work, earn money, and then LIVE AT HOME so they have more 'discressional income'. Only how discressional is that income, really, when Mom & Pop tell ya what you can and cant spend it on? And I thought ordinances were bad... Over 50% of the population 20 to 30 years of age lives with their parents. Its disgusting. So much for the land of the free MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75590" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/22/96 AT 00:10:08 Comments : WAY!=1 BLOWS!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1013. Date: 02/11/96. Time: 20:35:37. Read 67 Times. From : Que Tip To : sysop Subj : huh RECEIVED Im a new user so why do i have to wait several minutes while the system searches thru a blue billion email messages every one since the beginning of time just to find out there arent any. give me a break thats like so stupid its well just stupid! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75556" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/22/96 AT 00:10:27 Comments : WAY!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1014. Date: 02/04/96. Time: 01:37:10. Read 74 Times. From : Mojo IV To : all Subj : Shows I hated PERMIFIED The following is a list of TV shows I personally dislike: 1. I LOVE LUCY: That one where Lucy didn't get to play in the big show. 2. M*A*S*H: The one where the boys' fooling around got them in trouble, but they redeemed themselves in the operating room. 3. THREES COMPANY: That one where there was a big misunderstanding. 4. Star Trek, the Original Series: All the ones where Kirk didn't say "Beam me up, Scotty!" 5. Welcome back Kotter: That one episode with the Sweat Hogs on it. 6. The Cosby Show: The episode with the black people in it. 7. The Dick Van Dyke Show: The one where they did the chair gag. 8. Star Trek TNG: That one episode where they discovered the strange lifeform on the southern continent but they had a problem with the starboard nacelle and fixed it with Tachyons. Also, Data said "Intriguing." MOVED FROM "Media Madness-#1820" BY HACK MAN ON 02/22/96 AT 10:31:48 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=666 Message # 1015. Date: 02-21-96. Time: 18:08. Read 56 Times. From : Grazz't To : MOONSHADOW Subj : RECEIVED PERMIFIED everybody is right, everybody is wrong, everybody is good, everybody is evil..some more so than others. ¯ I only wrote the thing. I don't have to understand it. --- MOVED FROM "Love-#11785" BY Kassi ON 02/23/96 AT 22:38:09 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1016. Date: 02-25-96. Time: 02:12. Read 60 Times. From : Grazz't To : ALL Subj : Win Trek PERMIFIED WILL WINDOWS 95 LIVE LONG AND PHOSPHOR? "Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the MicroSoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel." "Captain, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL." "Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?" "Captain, are you surrrrre you want to rrrreplace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!" "Scotty, that's an order." "Aye Captain, but she's just not ready. She needs a proper beta shakedown." "That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?" "We're on disk 5, sir." "Good. Spock?" "Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt." "Then Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?" "Unknown, Captain." "Will it use a ProAudio Spectrum?" "Unknown, Captain." "How about a Sound Blaster?" "Unknown, Captain." "What good are you, anyway?" "Box-office attraction, Captain." "Bones?" "I'm a doctor - not a hardware technician." "Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the ProAudio Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the system when it's ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal." "Aye, aye, Captain." "Chekov?" "We've just entered the desktop zone, Captain." "Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre." "Scotty, we haven't even started yet." "Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long..." "Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad. "Aye, Captain." "Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT in the desktop zone. We'll be navigating back there frequently." "Yes, Sir." "Spock?" "It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The ProAudio Spectrum 16 isn't responding, either in sound or SCSI." "Disable the card, Spock." "I'm sorry, sir. It won't disable the SCSI without stopping sound card first. And it won't disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI first." "Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock." "[Looks at watch.] Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these systems." "No, sir. The ship is already upon us." "Uhura?" "Scanning all frequencies, sir. I'm trying to get an image, sir, but the system is awfully slow." "Scotty, what's happening down there?" "The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can only process one console request at a time." "See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?" "It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp drive." [Impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed. OOhs and Ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship.] "Put it on visual, Chekov." "Aye, Captain." [Louder OOhs and Ahhs.] "Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need audio!" "I'm sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding." "Bones?" "I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!" "Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file." "Captain - it's gone. Some other task in the system must have moved or changed it." "Long-range scan, Chekov." "I found it, Captain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for the game Land of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King Richard." "Patrick Stewart?" "You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?" "No." "Must be a generation gap." "Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer surrrrre." "[Sigh.] Maintain power, Mr. Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert." "Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of the desktop background!" "Bones?" "I'm a doctor, not the FORCE docs!!" "Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to fire HP LaserJet." "Captain, I've chosen the screen saver that says `Chicago is COOL' but now I'm getting no response at the helm." [BOOM as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large zapping sound, then either the ship moves back and forth, or people sway left and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would normally be irreparable damage, yet will be fixed in just minutes.] "Sulu, take evasive action; otherwise, it's certain doom!" "Aye, Aye, Captain. It certainly is Doom and I don't mind saying I'm getting awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games on the market and it runs under OS/2 with no problems whatsoever." "We've got... to get... to the kernel. Uhura... notify... the... kernel at Star Fleet." "Captain, I think either communications are breaking up, or you're dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again." "Spock?" "Fascinating, Captain. It would seem that the needs of the few have out-weighed the needs of the many." "Scotty, get us out of here!" "Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! We'll have to do a hard boot to rrrrecover." "Bones?" ¯ Is throwing ones cat out of the car window Kitty Litter --- MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75907" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/25/96 AT 16:45:20 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1017. Date: 02/25/96. Time: 22:24:54. Read 54 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : A message. PERMIFIED You and me, I think we need to talk. Now, in the Grand Scheme of Things, the Retreat doesn't seem terribly important. It's just a computer bulletin board, which a number of people call and leave messages, download stuff, or whatever. If it had never existed, I'm sure all of us would have been fully capable of leading perfectly normal lives anyway. It's just a computer program...that's all. But. But, The Retreat is very special to most of us, anyway. We could survive without it, there's no question of that. But, it's here, and those of us who appreciate it don't want it harmed or taken away. This is a place of ideas, of silliness, of friendship and support. Here on the Retreat is an appreciation of the importance of language and meaning, and the mutability of same. True, I personally could have lived quite happily without the Retreat, but because of the Retreat, not only have I met a number of people I probably never would have met otherwise, but I made some new and quite dear friends through this board. Plus, I became better friends with people I knew simply as customers at my place of employment. On a creative level, I began writing more, practicing my skill at the written word, and gaining criticism and support from the other people that called here. I even got to write for a national magazine, because of someone I met through this board. Are you listening to me? I certainly hope so. This bulletin board is unique, in that it has a sense of permanence. Posts don't vanish after a week, like on every other board I've ever called. You can still read posts from 1988 on the Retreat...you can get a sense of the history of this board, and of the cast of characters that have contributed to the Retreat's personality. Permanence encourages, at least to me, contribution. Posting something that will only vanish within a few days seems futile to me...on other boards, this short lifespan discourages works of substance. Here, on the Retreat, where the sysop goes through great effort to ensure everything is retained, the users put more work into their posts. Some users use the Retreat as sort of an electronic notebook, jotting down their ideas and creative endeavors in a public forum allowing for, as I stated earlier, criticism and support. Of course, not every post is a deep and meaningful one. Some are short, some are silly, some are angry or self-pitying...but because of that sense of permanence, not EVERY post here is short and shallow. There are gems in the rough, as it were. Even the silliness here seems inspired by the knowledge that, perhaps, ten years from now, a new user will go back through older messages and see the message, frozen in time. Don't tell me YOU never did that. Don't tell me YOU never spent more time than you intended, simply looking back three or four years, reading messages posted long before you arrived, or even posted while you were an active user. Or, even looking back and reading messages you had forgotten you posted. Do you remember all your posts on other boards? Can you call them back and try to look up your old messages? Of course, there's the occasional dry spell. Not everyone feels like posting all the time. Not everyone feels like they have something to say, and we, ALL OF US, coast along and send each other brief one or two line messages. And, that's okay. It happens. I do it. So do you. I even have two sub boards here under my control that depend on longer posts...specifically, stories. I haven't had any stories to tell of late. My muse is resting. It happens. I'm sure I'll be posting plenty of stories in them again, but for now, I'm not. It happens. There are plenty of sub boards here, on dozens of topics. Some are clear cut (like my own Comics Archives), some are more vague in purpose (the Dimensional Nexus), and some are even dusty with disuse (the PI Room). Some have picked up in activity after a period of dormancy (the Path of the Chameleon Bridge), and some are fine topics, but currently sleeping (Science and Technology). If you have something you'd like to discuss, use the appropriate sub, if you will. It's there. Let's use it. The only real problems with this board, aside from the valleys that rest between the mountains of posting, are people who are, for some deeply disturbed reason, intent on causing problems. Not simply disagreeing with another's opinion...I think you and I would agree that disagreement leads to spirited discussion among men and women of some cranial capacity. But, rather, calling and posting simply to shock, to get a reaction. A stream of vulgarities in grammatically poor sentences gets attention, which is all that poster wants. Unable to contribute anything worthwhile, said poster remains satisfied simply with attacking others and watching the fur fly in reaction to his jabs. Response is useless; descending to his level brings him greater satisfaction -- and any kind of reasoned reply is quite beyond his ability to comprehend. I have been guilty of responding to vulgar and insulting messages in the past...actually, within the last couple of weeks. It's hard not to. Some posts just beg to be replied to with some pithy rejoinder. One even hopes beyond hope that a reply of reason and intelligence may somehow pierce that fence of crudity that the offender has erected around himself, and cause that person to depart for greener pastures to sully, or even to adjust his own behavior to one that is more civilized. In the end, even the most vulgar and offensive message can't bring the Retreat to a crashing halt. The most such a message can ever do is cause the reader to roll his or her own eyes in exasperation at whatever new recombination of four letter words has just scrolled by on the screen. More reprehensible by far is the person that actually has the gall to wreak damage on the computer program itself, to actually dare to delete some of the history of the board. What sort of deprived small-minded filth-dwelling creature finds pleasure in destroying the hard work of people farther up the evolutionary ladder than himself? As much as I would like to believe otherwise, as much as I would like to think that someone who is capable of turning on a computer, running a communications program, and logging onto a bulletin board would have some amount of intelligence and respect for others, the sad fact is that there is scum at every educational level. What can be the response to someone who does something like this? I don't know. I really don't know. All I can do is shake my head and wonder why someone would find such joy in taking so much effort into doing others harm. Not physical harm, no. But to destroy the creative work of others, to essentially take away something that doesn't belong to you...that's a psychological pain. A broken limb may heal, but a lost thought rarely returns. The Retreat is just a computer program. The world doesn't depend on its existence. But without it, without the creative outlet it provides, without the forums for discussion it provides, without the friendships it had a hand in creating, our lives would be much poorer. Please, listen to me. You don't want to take this away. It's not yours to take. But it's ours to create. the Mikester ==--OBFUSCATE--== MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75935" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/26/96 AT 00:39:24 Comments : PROMOTE ME=9044 Message # 1018. Date: 02/26/96. Time: 13:43:06. Read 49 Times. From : Grazz't To : all Subj : Yumness PERMIFIED A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceed to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks. After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream..... The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands ans shaking hishead saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin replied,"Oh no! It's just ice cream." MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75982" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/26/96 AT 16:35:09 Comments : HAHAHA=8181 PROMOTE ME=111 Message # 1019. Date: 02/26/96. Time: 18:23:12. Read 48 Times. From : Elminster To : All Subj : Decision PERMIFIED I can only see one solution. Since I'm fairly new here, I don't know what the hell sub-op access can do. What I do know is that there is evidence against the suspect parties, there is bitching and moaning from one side of the issue arguing with itself, and this is starting to look like the Salem witch trials. Instead of running around fighting amongst ourselves, we should proceed like normal, rational, adults. If you want to act insane, go to the Love area, where at least you can have an excuse. Since the issue has affected all of us as a whole (as well as pissed of a whole lotta people), we should decide what to do about the accused parties... as a whole. The Sysop should have precidence over it, but we should determin the punishment, but ONLY IF WE ARE SURE! Those of us who are not sure, should shut the hell up about this, including me... The Sage "The ego of the hacker will eventually lead to his downfall..." MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#76005" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/26/96 AT 18:48:32 Comments : BRAVO!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1020. Date: 02/26/96. Time: 17:57:43. Read 51 Times. From : Jehan To : All Subj : Hey! PERMIFIED Ok, guys, listen up. I know I've been out doing this and that recently and not coming around like I used to and making a general nuisance of myself. But I have this to say, and you better listen up. Gizmo? I don't care how tall you are, or what a cupcake you really are, Lost Chain and Terminal did bad. They hurt friends bigtime, and they messed up the Retreat. I know you are fond of them and want to take care of them, but they deserve all the hassle I'm going to give them. Any more noise out of you, and I will probably do something drastic to you involving Diet Coke and my bicycle pump. As for Terminal and Lost Chain...if I may make one teeny, tiny suggestion right now, boys, it would be to lay low and be very, very quiet. If you are for, say, the next couple of millenia or so, I might not get irritated with you, at least not any more than I am now. Actually, I am just a little, shall I say it, pissed at the moment. Usually when I get this perturbed at people, I tend to do something they regret mightly, but I'm trying to hold on to the remenants of my temper and be nice. Because if I weren't nice I'd first punch you both in the noses and then I'd go hire some Merk friends of mine to discuss bbs manners with both of you. And if THAT doesn't frighten you, I will ask Milord Number Two if I can kill you both. And I will, with a rusty sword, an inch at a time, starting you know where. Ok? Now, be good. Oh, and have a nice day, you hear? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#76002" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/26/96 AT 18:48:45 Comments : BRAVO!=1111 GROAN.=1 OUCH!=1 #1020. Message # 1021. Date: 02/11/96. Time: 13:47:40. Read 131 Times. From : Number Two To : Lost Chain/Number Two/ELVIS Subj : My God! RECEIVED FORWARDED BY Mr. Gone FORWARDED BY Lost Chain FORWARDED BY Number Two Of course, people who DON'T fuck with the board don't seem to have the kind of problems you do. Go figure....... Be Seeing You ?? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75894" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/26/96 AT 21:28:50 Comments : WAY!=9002 DOINK=9001 BRAVO!=9001 OUCH!=9001 WOW!=9001 BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=9001 Message # 1022. Date: 02/23/96. Time: 17:21:11. Read 61 Times. From : Gizmo To : HACK MAN Subj : GUESS WHAT RECEIVED You FINALLY updated them? This can mean only one thing. Your going to be getting new phone numbers soon. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75879" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/26/96 AT 21:29:04 Comments : HAHAHA=1 DOINK=11 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1023. Date: 02/21/96. Time: 23:53:34. Read 55 Times. From : mud To : all except you Subj : my dog is dead my dog is dead i foud it near the park by oxnard collage he was all cut up his ass hole was large a bleeding i think some fairy named heriorun got ahold of him and now he is dead .. I,d like to thank all the people who said my dog was on the scat buss I wasted twenty dollars riding the busses trying to find him.....a big kick in the ass for you......you know who you are..... mud R.I.P MIcheal McCreary (that was my dogs name) MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75854" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/26/96 AT 21:29:09 Comments : OBFUSCATED=34 PROMOTE ME=34 Message # 1024. Date: 02/26/96. Time: 22:32:56. Read 56 Times. From : Stranger To : all/none Subj : "B." PERMIFIED The longing becomes painful, more so with every tortured intake of breath. The air I breathe is studded with razors of desire. What is this crazy pheromoaning dance? Little growls escape from my throat, surprising me at times-- they come from somewhere deep, usually buried beneath six feet of images sounds the crashing waves loud music on a saturday night with one too many drinks held down and . . . the price of a prison of lust? A pain which I covet. Oh, the tortures I can imagine, sitting here in this dull room, no one at my side but his little shadow and my malingering dirty thoughts! Break my bones, tear my skin, kick my body down, break it into little pieces I scream, but only at him. Stranger -=OBFUSCATE=- MOVED FROM "Love-#11847" BY Kassi ON 02/27/96 AT 19:12:34 Comments : WAY!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1025. Date: 02/26/96. Time: 00:22:09. Read 84 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL Subj : SOMETHING I'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE I'D LIKE TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING. AS SOME PEOPLE GNOW THE CHAT MODE HERE ON THE RETREAT WORKS BY STORING THE INFORMATION ON A NETWORKED DATA FILE SO THAT ALL THE COMPUTERS ON THE SYSTEM CAN READ IT. IF YOU ARE NOT IN EXPERT MODE YOU WILL NOTICE THERE IS A POSTING THAT IS PRINTED WHEN YOU ENTER THE CHAT MODE THAT SAYS THAT IT IS NOT PRIVATE. HOWEVER, I RESPECT PRIVACY ANYWAY. ONCE A FEW YEARS AGO I DISCOVERED THAT MY ROOM MATE THE MUSIC MAN WAS ACCESSING THE FILE AND READING THE CHATS, SO I WROTE A PROGRAM TO ENCRYPT THE DATA ON THE HARD DRIVE. IT HAS SAT LIKE THAT EVER SINCE. A COUPLE OF NIGHTS AGO I NOTICED THAT TERMINAL AND LOST CHAIN WERE IN CHAT AND I WAS SUSPICIOUS. LATER MOJO BROUGHT IT TO MY ATTENTION THAT ALL THE USERS IN THE TAVERN HAD BEEN UPGRADED TO SUBOP ACCESS. I WAS OUT OF OPTIONS TO TRY AND FIGURE OUT WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS, SO I WENT TO A LAST RESORT AND WROTE A PROGRAM TO DECRYPT THE CHAT LOG DATA AND PRINT IT TO A TEXT FILE. I DID A WORD SEARCH SO THAT I COULD FIND THAT CHAT. HERE IT IS IN IT'S ENTIREITY. Lost Chain Now Entering Chat. Phucked Agent Is Outta Here! Terminal Now Entering Chat. Dr. Rascher Is Outta Here! Terminal Now Entering Chat. Dr. Rascher> /w Dr. Rascher Is Outta Here! Lost Chain Now Entering Chat. Phucked Agent> hello? Terminal Now Entering Chat. Dr. Rascher> dsfsdf Phucked Agent> i made a macro to upgrade people Dr. Rascher> Not quite finished yet. Mojo deserved this one. Asking. Heh. Dr. Rascher> Cool. Phucked Agent> wanna see it ? you in telix? Dr. Rascher> Yep. Dr. Rascher> ??? Dr. Rascher> Is Node 2 locked up? Phucked Agent> ^m^myy us it at the Acess: part and just hit like " Phucked Agent> backspace , 3 , Phucked Agent> hello Phucked Agent> what the fiuck Phucked Agent> Phucked Agent> Dr. Rascher> That got fucked up. Phucked Agent> EFF Dr. Rascher> EFF? Phucked Agent> no shit tildes dont show up Phucked Agent> or do they? Dr. Rascher> Tildes? Phucked Agent> the key to theleft of the 1 when shifted Dr. Rascher> Ah. Dr. Rascher> Dr. Rascher> Nope, guess not. Phucked Agent> anywasy Dr. Rascher> QUALITY Hackintosh. Dr. Rascher> I need to get that finished. Phucked Agent> yeah no shit i wonde rwhy it filters em Phucked Agent> ok mee toi Phucked Agent> x Phucked Agent Is Outta Here! Dr. Rascher Is Outta Here! Terminal Now Entering Chat. Dr. Rascher Is Outta Here! Lost Chain Now Entering Chat. Terminal Now Entering Chat. Phucked Agent> whats up? Dr. Rascher> Damn, can't get level 0 people. Phucked Agent> why not? Phucked Agent> i did Phucked Agent> or atleast one of me Phucked Agent> em Phucked Agent> im pretty sure Dr. Rascher> You did? Ok, cool. It doesn't list people with level 0 so its Dr. Rascher> hard to see which ones I had missed. Dr. Rascher> brb Dr. Rascher Is Outta Here! Terminal Now Entering Chat. Dr. Rascher> There we go. Phucked Agent> what i do is i hit X then A then ENTER and ittll show EVERY Phucked Agent> user .. theres only like 5 or so i missed im gonna go back Phucked Agent> thrpough one last time Dr. Rascher> That's what I had done the first time round. Phucked Agent> hey noig before you forget remove yer acces from my sub Dr. Rascher> Then I checked which ones had been skipped (very few) and went Dr. Rascher> back. But its hard to see which level 0's had been missed. Dr. Rascher> I did, didn't I? Dr. Rascher> Could've sworn I had. Phucked Agent> i dont know i didnt check Dr. Rascher> Lemme check. Dr. Rascher Is Outta Here! Terminal Now Entering Chat. Dr. Rascher> Yeah, I'm level 2. Phucked Agent> ok coll ill finish off the rest of the tavern then im outta Phucked Agent> here.. heheh later dude Dr. Rascher> Logon CN. Phucked Agent> umm ok Dr. Rascher> Afterwards, anyhow. Phucked Agent Is Outta Here! Dr. Rascher> See ya. Dr. Rascher Is Outta Here! I DON'T BLAME ANYONE IF THEY ARE PISSED AT ME FOR PEEKING AT DATA LIKE THAT. BUT I HAVE THE INFORMATION I NEED NOW. I GNOW WHO THE CULPRITS ARE AND HOW THEY DID IT. C- - - MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#75937" BY Mojo IV ON 02/29/96 AT 11:13:13 Comments : HAHAHA=9001 BRAVO!=23 OH MY GOD!=1 BOG ME=1 Message # 1026. Date: 02/26/96. Time: 17:57:43. Read 91 Times. From : Jehan To : All Subj : Hey! PERMIFIED Ok, guys, listen up. I know I've been out doing this and that recently and not coming around like I used to and making a general nuisance of myself. But I have this to say, and you better listen up. Gizmo? I don't care how tall you are, or what a cupcake you really are, Lost Chain and Terminal did bad. They hurt friends bigtime, and they messed up the Retreat. I know you are fond of them and want to take care of them, but they deserve all the hassle I'm going to give them. Any more noise out of you, and I will probably do something drastic to you involving Diet Coke and my bicycle pump. As for Terminal and Lost Chain...if I may make one teeny, tiny suggestion right now, boys, it would be to lay low and be very, very quiet. If you are for, say, the next couple of millenia or so, I might not get irritated with you, at least not any more than I am now. Actually, I am just a little, shall I say it, pissed at the moment. Usually when I get this perturbed at people, I tend to do something they regret mightly, but I'm trying to hold on to the remenants of my temper and be nice. Because if I weren't nice I'd first punch you both in the noses and then I'd go hire some Merk friends of mine to discuss bbs manners with both of you. And if THAT doesn't frighten you, I will ask Milord Number Two if I can kill you both. And I will, with a rusty sword, an inch at a time, starting you know where. Ok? Now, be good. Oh, and have a nice day, you hear? MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#76002" BY Mr. Gone ON 02/26/96 AT 18:48:45 MOVED FROM "The Hall Of Fame-#1020" BY HACK MAN ON 02/26/96 AT 18:49:20 MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#76009" BY Mojo IV ON 02/29/96 AT 11:21:19 Comments : BRAVO!=1111 OUCH!=2301 BOG ME=1 Message # 1027. Date: 02/27/96. Time: 15:25:13. Read 69 Times. From : Mikester To : ALL/Mojo IV/Lost Chain/Terminal/HACK MAN/Gizmo/Mikester/aphrodite Subj : Mojo is an IDIOT! RECEIVED "Yes, I stopped beating my wife." Could you possibly slant the question any further? the Mikester ==--OBFUSCATE--== MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#76064" BY Mojo IV ON 02/29/96 AT 11:26:51 Message # 1028. Date: 02/27/96. Time: 15:33:07. Read 67 Times. From : Mr. Gone To : ALL/OBFUSCATES<>LOST CHAIN/TERMINAL/GIZMO/APHRODITE Subj : VICTORY FOR THE CONSPIRACY! RECEIVED MY FELLOW CONSPIRATORS, I DECLARE VICTORY ON ALL FRONTS!!! Yes, our MASTERFULLY DESIGNED and SUPERIOR plans are bearing FRUIT, and soon NO-ONE shall be able to STOP US!!! The FINAL possible pocket of resistence has been QUELLED!!! Thanks to the ingenius plotting of our GREAT, ILLUMINATED St. R. Anger, who skillfully deleted his ENTIRE sub to cause great upheavel, the last do-gooder, freedom loving scum on this BBS have fallen into DISFAVOUR from the RABBLE we shall CRUSH BENEATH OUR BOOT!!!! Only LOST CHAIN, TERMINAL, GIZMO, AND APHRODITE could POSSIBLY have posed a threat to our unchallenged SUPREMACY over the RETREAT!!!! AND NOW WE ARE VICTORIOUS!!!!! FIRST THE RETREAT, AND THEN...... THE WORLD!!!!!!!! ALL HAIL THE BAVARIAN ILLUMINATTI! So say I, Dr. Van Van Mojo Ivy 53rd Amongst Conspirators MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#76067" BY Mojo IV ON 02/29/96 AT 11:27:03 Comments : BRAVO!=1 BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1029. Date: 02/27/96. Time: 18:08:49. Read 71 Times. From : Moon Dancer To : all Subj : this shit Ive been relativly quiet through all of this, but there is a thing or two id like to bring up at this point...which will proabably put me on the same shit list as Giz, Aph, LC and Terminal. As I read these posts I notice it dosent seem as if the posts them selvs are being read...but only the person who posted them. Someone posts somethin from the "bad" side and its responded with a charater attack, whit no real response to the statments posted. Also...how did there get to be a 'them' and 'us' to start with? I find it particurlaly disturbing that people trying to to defend their friends...if not able to aleviate the situation, at least trying to make it a little less bad, are being called a 'threat' to the retreat. I guess thats all I have to say, well that and, Hack Man- saying that you and a bunch of people(who REALLY dont like LC abd Terminal) SAW something to implicate them is BS, it wouldnt hold up in court, yet it seems to hold up here. I think a little more RATIONAL thought needs to go into this. The anger time is gone, from my perspctive the people or person with the decision making powers need to back up and think a little deeper. Dance on the Moon Moon Dancer MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#76074" BY Mojo IV ON 02/29/96 AT 11:28:00 Comments : WAY!=1 BRAVO!=2 GIVE ME A BREAK!=5 ARGH!=1 BLAH=3 BOG ME=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1030. Date: 02/27/96. Time: 22:03:01. Read 62 Times. From : Mikester To : ALL/Mojo IV/Lost Chain/HACK MAN/Gizmo/Mikester/aphrodite/Mr. Gone/Terminal Subj : Mojo is an IDIOT! RECEIVED HACK was looking for the guy(s) that was FUCKING with his computer program. Duh. the Mikester ==--OBFUSCATE--== MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#76136" BY Mojo IV ON 02/29/96 AT 11:32:36 Comments : BOG ME=1 #1030. Message # 1031. Date: 02/28/96. Time: 15:01:29. Read 63 Times. From : HACK MAN To : ALL/OBFUSCATES<>LOST CHAIN/TERMINAL/GIZMO/Mr. Gone/aphrodite Subj : VICTORY FOR THE CONSPIRACY! RECEIVED SPEAKING OF MAIL FROM AO. I ACCESSED MY OTHER EMAIL ACCOUNT (I HAVE TWO OF THEM ON FISHNET) THAT I RARELY USE AND GUESS WHAT I FOUND? MAIL FROM AO! HERE WE GO - I'M PASSING IT ON. X-POP3-Rcpt: rwhite@big Return-Path: eris Date: Wed, 21 Feb 1996 23:19:29 +0000 (GMT) From: Edwina Brown To: Ray White Subject: HAGA from BRAGA Hi Hack...I decided it is time to link-up with you. I saw your page last night and oh wow it was so cool to see DOINK!!! I am happier than ever ever in all my lifetimes and more madly in love than ever. This was the best decision I´ve ever made. I am spellbound by this little city of Braga and its antiquity...goes all the way back to roman times. I miss the retreat so bad.... so when are you going to get that telnet link?? Please send my hellos and all to everyone and tell them that AO is better than ever and ready to stir it up on the Retreat. Please write and pass out my address.... I can still be reached through fnet and rain as well as mig´s acct. ebrown@rain.org eris@fishnet.net mc@grupo.bfe.pt Love love love the infamous AO MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#76220" BY Mojo IV ON 02/29/96 AT 11:38:22 Comments : WAY!=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1032. Date: 01/28/96. Time: 21:15:02. Read 61 Times. From : Saxon Violynz To : Kassi Subj : Evil is evil RECEIVED PERMIFIED great. so now all this bullshit is my fault? ok! i admit it! i gave lost chain my password. ok? you happy now? but i had no idea that he was gonna fuck with your sub. and i am not in cahoots with him in any way with the destruction of the love sub. if i was trying to get back at you for "talking to my boyfriend", wouldn't i have been a little less catty than to get someone like lost chain involved? i would have just done it myself! sax MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench-#7224" BY HACK MAN ON 03/02/96 AT 21:40:15 Comments : HAHAHA=1 WHO CARES=1 Message # 1033. Date: 03/06/96. Time: 13:52:39. Read 36 Times. From : JUNGLE-GIRL To : all Subj : chewie PERMIFIED WHAT A WOOKIEE.. CHEWBACCA ERE HER HER ER HER ER MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#76426" BY Mojo IV ON 03/06/96 AT 15:43:01 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1034. Date: 11/07/95. Time: 17:43:23. Read 81 Times. From : ANN OTHERWORLD To : All/None/Fink Ployd/Kilowatt Jules/ANN OTHERWORLD/Stranger Subj : Discovery RECEIVED PERMIFIED those darn lazy hazy days of summmer.. was the summer of love and lsd i don't remember the sixties therefore i was there AO MOVED FROM "SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY-#1022" BY Lost Chain ON 11/25/95 AT 02:16:14 MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench-#6623" BY Mikester ON 03/08/96 AT 10:11:42 Comments : BRAVO!=1 Message # 1035. Date: 03/08/96. Time: 00:10:41. Read 60 Times. From : Mojo IV To : all Subj : RETREAT FAQ PERMIFIED Whilst I was digging through the old Retreat Archives, I discovered a strange, mottled document written on the back of an old Pizza box. Its part of our HERITAGE, you fiends! Listen up! I shall post its original form, and I have enlisted our loyal BOg BAronet and Obfuscate, Mikester, to translate it into an updated version... here's the original: ------------------------------------*Who are you (who is the Bell Captain)? I am the Bell Captain, the official greeter of the Retreat. I am here to serve you by answering any questions you might ask, even if I don't gnow the answer. Of course, around here, you might try to come up with your own answers, but I've found it never hurts to keep several spare in hand. *How much should we tip you? Oh, never worry your mind with that question. Tip me as you may, and if I have anything to say about the amount of your tip, I'll say it. Oh, and don't let the fact that I'm the wealthiest person in the Retreat constrain you from tipping me appropriately for my services. If I've earned it, by all means pay me. *What does "obfuscate" mean? Many people have asked me that question. In fact, so many people have asked me that question, that I'd expect that they would have told everyone by now. Apparently, they're telling no one, or they just don't understand, or maybe even a little confused. I try to help them, I really do. Oh, well, at least you understand. *What is "obfuscation"? Obfuscation is the means by which we don't understand, and since we gnow that we don't understand, we do understand, which is what obfuscation is all about. *What is "DOINK!"? An onomatopoeic word that is the most beautiful, wonderful and useful word in the English language. It tends to sound off in the midst of intense obfuscation. It has many meanings, depending on context; so far, Lynx has identified 150 definitions of DOINK!, and he's nowhere close to finishing. *What is "bink"? An onomatopoeic word that has been abused by the mogwai, Gizmo. However, Lynx has freed bink. In its natural state, bink will sound off and kiss you. However, there are several binks altered by the mogwai that will explode. *What is "ACK"? An interjection of disgust, and the antithesis of DOINK! A rumor traces its origin to the insidious devil, Berkeley Breathed. ACK! is one of Racer X's favorite expressions. *What is so special about kumquats? Kumquats, also gnown as 'fortunella,' are small, round or elliptical citrus fruit with an orange-yellow to orange rind. However, a new species of kumquats appeared on New Linhir, gnown as fortunella newlinhiris, that leave their trees at a height of eight feet, and shrink in size throughout their lives until they are about one inch high, at which time they reattach themselves to their trees and blossom. New Linhir kumquats are very intelligent, and the small ones are very philosophical. The large ones are very playful and mischievous. Kumquats understand the doinknobic nature of the universe, and use this gnowledge to teleport about. *What is so special about penguins? Penguins, a flightless bird with black and white plumage, lives, waddles and swims in the waters of Antarctica, except for the occasional visits to The Music Man's closet. They reason pi-atically, as opposed to linearly or circularly, and they often come to conclusions about the order of things that no one else would. But, hey, how many of us are penguins? *What is so special about pi? Pi, which can be expressed as 3.141592653..., is used to calculate the circumference of a circle, and thus is necessary for any true curve, which is derived from a circle. Otherwise, we would connect each point with a line. The number is irrational, which allowed God to tie together several loose ends in creation that could not be solved through rational means. The number is the common language of the insane and of penguins, but sometimes befriends another being, such as Gaviscon Aviscenna. The fact that pi goes on forever indicates that pi may be a growing number, and thus is alive. The Legendary Dan Amster, however, has seen the last digit of pi. *Who is HACK MAN? HACK MAN is the Sysop of the Retreat. His character wears a spacesuit, complete with helmet and a plethora of nifty support units that don't do a thing for him. He wears a combination watch and communication device on his wrist, called a Hackmodem, that he uses to talk to HACKINTOSH, his dependably irresponsible computer that keeps his indestructible spaceship. HACK MAN also discovered obfuscation, although Lord Cirdan would dispute this. HACK MAN imagines all of us, according to the laws of obfuscation, which are never right, but they're true anyway. HACK MAN also incredibly sucks; he sucks so much, that Obfuscatronix Laboratory attached a suckometer to him that measures his suckfulness in sucktons. HACK MAN does not blow, although Lynx would dispute this. *Who is The Music Man? The Music Man is a co-sysop of the Retreat. His character loves the bands and artists of the late sixties and early seventies, especially Led Zeppelin and the Grateful Dead, and is adept at all musical instruments and well-versed in music theory. He enjoys sophisms, and explores numerous religions and philosophies. He hates Elvis Presley, supports green bananas, and is adored by penguins. His character has a tendency to get himself killed, at which time he floats and giggles through limbo until Amyria, Death's daughter, sends him back. The Music Man has a spaceship with external lights that lights up everything incorrectly, and is loaded with bead doors, tye-dyed decks, bulkheads with fluorescent Peter Max designs, black velvet ceilings, lava lamps, consoles with a multitude of buttons, and a viewscreen that shows an ongoing video game of Pong. *Who is Lynx? Lynx is a co-sysop of the Retreat. His character, also gnown as Mynk Lynx, is a feline allomorph, or "shape changer," who lives in the dimension of Deva, where he has a mercantile that sells patience, for those who run out of it, and other hand things. "Mynk" is the special material of undisclosed abilities that makes up his special coat, and it has nothing to do with "mink." He travels between dimensions, has a good mind for figuring things out, and has a hyperdimensional computer that's so huge it takes 30 minutes to boot up. He's quite obnoxious, and everyone tends to ignore him except YellowBeard. Amyria, Death's daughter, loves Mynk Lynx. *Who is Gravebuster? Gravebuster is a co-sysop of the Retreat. His character is a tunneler, who met a bunch of plane-shifters one day while moling around, and then learned how to plane-shift. Then, while plane-shifting one day, he met an invisible being called Phredd, who gave Gravebuster the innate ability to resurrect, along with a severe case of thanatophobia, or fear of Death. He attached a portable plane to himself, where he carries his mechanized mole, some clothes, kumquat juice, a shower, and an occasional item for his underground warehouse of pilfered goods. His underground dwelling has a playground for kumquats and is infested with snyads. He sells kumquat juice, $35.00 a case, or $50.00 if your initials are HM. HACK MAN uses Gravebuster to help organize his imagination, but Gravebuster resents this, since HM ignores most of his suggestions. *Who is Stranger? Stranger is a co-sysop of the Retreat. His character, also gnown as Lord Apathy, rules X-ile, the place where all consciousnesses pass through during dreams. He is a dream being, composed of modular personalities, and requires his high-tech black roquelaure to exist in reality. Rin, his paranoid personality, ran away and Stranger decided it was for the best. Stranger is incredibly bored with everything, and can unintentionally pass this boredom to most beings who look him in the eye. If he utters "BLAH!" while any being is in this state, that being will fall asleep for about two hours. His nemeses include Eterni Eternitis, Lord Nightmare, Bubba Lechter, the Grassy Gnoll and the cabal, which is the staff at the library on New Linhir. *Who is Gaviscon Aviscenna? Gaviscon Aviscenna is the subop of the Pi Room, a subboard on The Retreat. His character is a space adventurer from the future who goes into the past to fight in the Gnome Wars against Lord Scum and his minions. During the war, Gav had a serious accident, and now exists as some type of ghost with a severe case of amnesia, although Gravebuster will dispute the term "ghost." While Gav fumbles through "life" trying to regain his memory and his body, he is helped by Agamendar and Mahogony, two very powerful sages, and candy, a very beautiful imaginary woman. His friend from the future is Dr. Kurt Zenith, who taught at U.C. Berkeley. Gav is also gnown as the Pi Guy, and can simultaneously recite pi and juggle till the cows go home. His friendship with pi allows him to exist in the Pi Room with no appreciable effect on his sanity (if he ever had any). Gav is also the margin master, and each of his messages have perfect margins, either with full justification or in the shape of something. *What is so special about margins? Careful marginations are a challenge, and add character to a post; at least, that's the opinion of Gaviscon Aviscenna, the margin master, and a number of other users on the Retreat. The margins of each message should either be fully justified or form some shape or pattern. There should be no more that three extra spaces between characters. One can drop one of the extra spaces at the end of a sentence to make a perfect margin. Avoid hyphenations and misspellings. And be consistent. In the early days of marginations, there was a brutal margin war between Gaviscon Aviscenna and the Frammis Man, but Gaviscon Aviscenna eventually prevailed to become the margin master. The aftermath left some of the most beautiful margins ever seen across the BBSs of Ventura County, especially Gnome's Castle and the Travboard. *What is plane-shifting? Plane-shifting is the ability to pass between planes, often with the purpose of traveling long distances with only a step or two. Every dimension is composed of several planes, which are a group of points that consist of a common quality. An example of a plane would be the plane of gravity, where even the smallest of things have weight, or the plane of endless repeating Sonny Bono songs, which is a very deadly plane. Most planes contribute their qualities to the composite plane, or main plane, where most creatures exist. A plane-shifter is someone who has learned and practiced being able to see the planes around him, and how to pass through those planes to other points in the dimension. Gravebuster and El Topo are plane-shifters. *What about Elvis? Elvis Presley was a rock and roll singer, born in Tupelo, MS in 1935 and died in Memphis, TN in 1977. He sold 500,000,000 records during his lifetime, and 8,000,000 more in the five days after his death, and he made 33 movies. He had a stage presence that was considered controversially sexy for its time, and earned the nickname "Elvis the Pelvis." However, he signed a lifetime contract with Colonel Tom Parker, a minion of Lord Scum, who proceeded to select every song Elvis sang, every movie Elvis made, and every stage Elvis played, always choosing money over artistry. This may be why much of Elvis' music and acting is mediocre, and at his death, he was overweight and addicted to a variety of prescription drugs. The greatest has-been of rock and roll maintained a loyal following of fans, aged forty and over, who still thought they were teenagers and who still think Elvis is alive. There are many people who impersonate Elvis, even around The Retreat. All the Obfuscates don't like Elvis' music, and some of them loathe it. *Who is Lord Scum? Lord Scum is the ultimate nemesis of all living beings, and especially the Obfuscates. His stated goal is to remove all confusion from the universe and to order it in the way that he sees fit. To this end, he has several schemes simultaneously set in motion, and he monitors the progress of each scheme from his Scumcruiser. He appears as an ugly biped made of scum, an extremely caustic substance that, according to strength, ruins or dissolves everything it contacts. Besides his technical and strategical prowess, he is also adept at summoning elementals, especially scum elementals. He resides at Castle Scum, on Planet Scum, in the elemental plane of Scum. His henchmen consist of scumsuckers, sleazebags, slimeballs, scuzzbuckets and proteges of Ted Kennedy. *Where is the Weird Room? That's a weird question. Why would you think that a weird place like The Retreat would have a Weird Room? Amazing some of the weird rumors that are passed around here. Why would you want to go into the Weird Room, anyway? To do something weird? You can do that over at the doors. Come to think of it, that's weird, too. Well, anyway, get away from me. I don't like weirdos. *Where is the Temple of Dillusion? The Temple of Dillusion, located on Dill Hill, where all the pickles came from, is as close as the keys on your keyboard but as distant as you are from the gnowledge of how to get there. The Obfuscates have no trouble finding the Temple of Dillusion, although they often have trouble explaining how they got there, because they don't really gnow, which is often the best way to get there. candy, a beautiful, imaginary woman, is the keeper of the Temple of Dillusion. *Where is the 3AM Club? Oh, sorry, but the 3AM Club is only open between midnight and 5 AM. During that time, if you move between the subboards, you can find this room of deluded insomniacs who mumble about pointless philosophies, discuss unimportant happenings and cast frivolous votes of Picard and Q, all proving that they desperately need to get a life. That's why they're the best people to hang around with. It also helps if you wrote down the Top Ten list from the David Letterman show that night. *What is so special about pizza? Pizza is simply the most wonderful food ever devised. In a word, pizza is ambrosia. What else could one say about so many things that are bad for you being combined into something that is so wonderful? With whatever toppings one could dare, and there are a few one shouldn't dare, pizza is the consummate satisfaction of one's appetite. Several years back, the terrible Pizza vs. Sushi Wars spread across the BBSs. Pizza Man was the flagbearer of the Pizza Lovers, who claimed victory over the disgusting sushi. An occasional skirmish still happens here at the Retreat. *What is so special about sushi? Raw fish. Blecch! Pure poison. Can cause people to go comatose. Lord Scum manufactures sushi on planet Scum, and distributes it throughout the multiverse, where unsuspecting consumers down the toxin and cause harm to themselves. However, there are supporters of sushi, for whatever reasons I don't gnow, Arwen Undomiel being among them. Several years back, the terrible Pizza vs. Sushi Wars spread across the BBSs. The Mole was the flagbearer of the Sushi Lovers, who claimed victory over the delectable pizza. An occasional skirmish still happens here at the Retreat. *What is so special about bananas? Well, potassium and tryptophan beside, bananas are the best excuse to start an argument. After all, most arguments are over subject that aren't all that important, and so what could be less important than what kind of banana is the best. Most people divide themselves among those who love the green bananas, such as The Music Man, and those who love the yellow bananas, such as Gravebuster. There are some supporters for brown bananas, too. Several years back, the banana wars spread across the BBSs, and they still go on here at the Retreat. *Who are the Obfuscates? Well, they are who they are, which is who they should be, except when they're not themselves, but then again, who were they anyway if they weren't themselves, in which case it wouldn't matter if they were themselves or not, because if they were themselves, then they wouldn't be who they are, but if they weren't themselves, they wouldn't be who they should be, but hey, who gnows who they are, if it weren't for the fact that they were Obfuscates, eh? *How does one become an Obfuscate? Well, first, never ask "How do I become an Obfuscate?" or even "Can I become an Obfuscate?" Then be yourself. If you got it, the Obfuscates will totally miss it, so you should give it back. *What is so special about the number 42? Douglas Adams, the great plagiarist of Arthur Dent's autobiography, wrote that the answer to life, the universe and everything is 42, but the problem is that we don't gnow what the question is. This answer is absurd, ridiculous, and utterly wrong, to say the least, and that is why the Obfuscates embrace it as the right answer. If you want a good set of books, read Douglas Adams five book trilogy; "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy," "Restaurant At The End Of The Universe," "Life, The Universe, And Everything," "So Long And Thanks For All The Fish," and "Mostly Harmless." *Where is the Garage? The Garage was an early gathering place for the Retreaters. It's located on this side of the moon, somewhere between Mars and Venus, and probably located in Ventura County, of all places, but I'll never tell. Several things that the Garage contained was the alcohol molecule that doubled as a hex reflector, several strands of Christmas lights strung across rafters with dozens of hats hanging from them, a tuba dispenser, the Tablecloth of Obfuscation, and Dobbs the Obfuscabunny. *What is so special about figs? Figs are a fruit of the ficus genus, as opposed to being citrus. Despite this drawback, they long to be kumquats, as the kumquat is the idea for all fruit. Thus, figs can cause unwitting people to believe they are kumquats, because figs hope that if enough people believe they are kumquats, then they will become kumquats. Stranger champions the figs. *Why does HACK MAN suck? HACK MAN sucks because he that's the way he is, and he isn't about to change for anyone, including such an impudent person as yourself (how dare you ask such a question!), especially considering all the years of study and meditation he went through just to achieve this level of suckfulness, not to mention how everything he imagines depends upon his immense suckfulness. "HACK MAN sucks" is the first law of obfuscation. *Are we all figments of HACK MAN's imagination? Even though we strive for kumquatment, the purest state of being, we are alas only figments, and not only are we figments, but we are figments of HACK MAN's imagination. The Music Man disputes this, claiming that he imagines HACK MAN, but HACK MAN counters than he imagines The Music Man imagining that, et cetera. Gravebuster has proffered an interesting conundrum; if we are all figments of HACK MAN's imagination, and HACK MAN sucks, then what does that say about us? Many kumquats have pondered and debated this question throughout their cycles, as the answer is not as obvious as one may think. Or imagine. "We are all figments of HACK MAN's imagination" is the second law of obfuscation. *What is Obfuscatronix Laboratories? Obfuscatronix Laboratories is a scientific research center that delves the innermost secrets of the galaxy that confuse other scientists. Most scientists, when they encounter something they don't understand, give that thing a name and then delude themselves into thinking they now understand the ungnown. Obfuscatronix Laboratories cuts to the chase, and admit that they don't gnow what they're doing, and proceed to do a fine job of discovering things that just don't make any sense, such as the Slinky Effect or that gravity is merely the suckfulness of the universe. *What is dimension-travelling? A dimension is one existence, complete with its own worlds, beings, and planes, that is significantly different from another existence. A dimension-traveller, called a "demon" for short, can travel from one dimension to another, often using a mechanical aid, like a D-hopper, or magic, or an innate ability. Lynx, whose home is located in the dimension of Deva, is a dimension-traveller. I suggest reading any of the "Myth" books by Robert Asprin, about the myth-adventures of Aahz and Skeeve, for more information. *What is the Pi Court? The Pi Court, which is held in the Pi Room, is where users are arraigned for charges of breaking the laws of the Retreat. Since the Retreat doesn't have any laws, the trials tend to meander until the confusion dies away and everyone forgets what the real charge was. Usually, a user is brought before the court because they have rounded off pi. A user may select any other user to be the defending attorney, and another user will volunteer to be the prosecuting attorney. Any user can volunteer to be a juror, but beware of kibbitzing, because the judge could find that the kibbitzing is more relevant than the testimony, evidence, stipulations, cross-examination and the lunch breaks. I am the court reporter, by the way. If you don't want to bother with the trial, plead no contest, and everyone will promptly ignore you and hold the trial anyway. *Who is candy? candy (notice that her name is spelled with a small "c") is an imaginary woman. Gaviscon Aviscenna first imagined candy, and she used to be dependent on his imagination, but for some ungnown reason, candy can now exist wherever there is anyone obfuscated enough to imagine her. She is very beautiful, very intelligent, very independent and very popular. She loves Gaviscon, but hates his quirky, irritating habits and the slow pace at which he's recovering from his amnesia. All the Obfuscates can see and talk to candy. candy, being imaginary, can't touch or be touched, except when it comes to Gaviscon Aviscenna, who imagines that candy can touch him. *What is Strangeland? Strangeland is an island located in the middle of the Sea of Dreams, where all consciousnesses wander as they dream. Besides Stranger, other residents of Strangeland include St. Lyserge, Rosetta Stone, Lord Nightmare, Eterni Eternitus, Grassy Gnoll, Helena Handbasket, Eelnce, Bubba Lechter, Sue-Sue Russ and Charlie the Chia Bull. Stranger is gnown as Lord Apathy, and rules Strangeland. *What is a bog? A bog is a watery, marshy area filled mostly with decaying, organic matter, such as peat, and certain types of flora, such as heath. A bog usually has a large body of open water in the middle. Land, such as it is, in a bog is frequently like quicksand. At the Retreat, we have a geological feature gnown as The Bog Of Eternal Stench, where the worst of all messages, and a few others thrown in for good messages, have floated into and sunk, created an extremely squishy environment that has spilled over into the Dimensional Nexus BBS and, from the Nexus, into BBSs throughout the nation. The subop of The Bog of Eternal Stench is Number Two, also gnown as The Bog King, and his bOG rIDERS freely ride over the treacherous miasma. *Who is Number Two? Number Two is subop of the Bog of Eternal Stench, a subboard on the Retreat. Number Two is one of several Number Twos that are tasked in running a secret information collection team called The Village, who use bizarre but effective inquisition techniques on people designated as potentially troublesome, all in the deceptive setting of a community where everyone is called by their number instead of their name. He found that he tired of information collection, so when the Obfuscates asked him to join their league, he gladly accepted. He still keeps his pocket terminal, however, and is able to access the most embarrassing information on file of everyone he meets. He has a long, evil beard that attempts to influence his mind and shake him from the goodness in his heart. Also, he keeps a miniaturized Guardian of Forever in his pocket, who distorts time around Number Two. In his spare time, he is a bogtrotter, exploring the nether reaches of the Bog of Eternal Stench, along with his bOG rIDERS. For more information on The Village, I suggest catching the seventeen episodes of "The Prisoner," a television series from 1968 starring Patrick McGoohan. *What does "suck" mean? Suckfulness is the general condition of everything in the universe, so if someone says that you suck, that means that, relatively speaking, you're doing all right. Obfuscatronix Laboratories has discovered that what we call gravity is actually suckfulness, because all masses suck on each other, and obviously, larger masses of matter apply greater suckfulness on other masses of matter. However, it has also been determined that HACK MAN sucks more than anything in the universe. The number of sucktons of HACK MAN's suckfulness is currently being measured by a suckometer attached to his person. *What does "blow" mean? Blowfulness is opposed to suckfulness, in that it is a distortion and disruption of the general condition of the universe, such that it adversely effects everything. So, if someone says that something blows, it means, relatively speaking, that's really bad. This term is often applied to attempts to order or disorder the universe in a way that suits one person's perception of how things should be. It is widely believed that Lord Scum blows more than anyone or anything else in the universe. *What is a "doinknob?" The word "doinknob" hails back to the early days of the Temple of Dillusion, where the obfuscated installed doorknobs that would "DOINK!" when touched. The word has come to mean someone who is so confused that they confuse everything around them, along with a number of other definitions, which may not have anything to do with the history of the word, which isn't a real history anyway. *What is "Do Something Weird?" "Do Something Weird" is a game of chance where you could get a little extra time, or lose a little time, or get a little extra access, or lose a little access, or get a limerick, a quote, a calculation of the number of seconds till a certain day, a "LIFE" demonstration and other even weirder things. Sometimes this game can decrease your logon time by 50%, which is great, but be careful! It may also increase your logon time, and bring you closer to exceeding your time on the BBS. Of course, if you get a "call again free," then those things shouldn't be much trouble. Just select "W" at the enterntainment menu, and then let HACKINTOSH's random number generator do the rest. But watch out for the half-fast logoff mode, and its even more treacherous twin, the instant logoff mode. *What is the "Quote-O-Matic?" The Quote-O-Matic contains the pithy sayings, axioms, sayings, famous words and assorted blatherings of beings through the ages, from world conquerors to fictional characters to users of this BBS. Stranger attests to a kind of divination one can get when one searches through the Quote-O-Matic for certain words. Others consult the Quote-O-Matic when a certain famous quote eludes them. Sometimes, it's just fun to type in a user's name and see if that user is quoted anywhere. *What is the Big Toe? The Big Toe is one of the big toes on HACK MAN's feet, and it contains all the gnowledge of the multiverse. It's nearly impossible for anyone to tell which of HACK MAN's big toes is the Big Toe, because his two big toes switch places all the time. The other big toe is evil, so it isn't wise to mess with either one unless you gnow for sure which one is the Big Toe. *What is the Whole Ball of Wax (One Big Thing)? The Whole Ball of Wax is an obfuscatory relic created one night in the Garage by the wily pirate, YellowBeard. It current resides near Klamath, CA, along with several other relics. The Whole Ball of Wax is a visual representation of the obfuscatory concept that "it's all one big thing." The concept goes like this; first, take everything in the universe. Now, consider that there's lots of space between everything, so take away all that extra space. Now, consider that at the atomic level, there's lots of space between the atomic particles, so take away all that extra space. The little bit of matter left over is so small that it's inconsequential, so what's left is nothing. So it's all one big nothing, and, conversely, it's all one big thing. HACK MAN discovered the concept that of "it's all one big thing." *Who is Aloysius? Aloysius is a small, New Linhir kumquat who loves the Obfuscate, Unka Buck. Most people think that Aloysius is Unka Buck's pet kumquat, but I'm not so sure that it isn't the other way, that Unka Buck is Aloysius' pet Obfuscate. Aloysius' name is pronounced "aloe-wishes," and that is very significant. Unka Buck can get a wish anytime he has a stalk of aloe in his hand. However, Unka Buck has a bad habit of getting overly excited and wishing for some crazy stuff. Occasionally, Aloysius will take leave and go on its own adventure through the forests of New Linhir, but it will always return to Unka Buck. *What is an Obfuscatoreum? An Obfuscatoreum, or Obfuscatorium, is like an arboretum, or an auditorium, except that there are no arbors, or audiences, and in fact, it's like neither of those places at all. An Obfuscatoreum is obviously a place for obfuscation, unless obfuscation obviously occurs someplace else, and unless something else occurs in the Obfuscatoreum, and unless the reader doesn't gnow obfuscation from the rock in the middle of the road, of which Number Two can recount many a story. But what should I say? Experiment! Be bold! Be yourself! After all, it's a place where you can show and grow! *What is a scumquat? A scumquat is the fruit of the scummy scrub, a disastrous attempt by Lord Scum at botany (but rest assured, he's very proud of what he did.) The fruit of the scummy scrub is a very wrinkly purply black, and the pulp is a brownish green. After it has fallen from the tree, the fruit throbs, oozes, and flattulates before burrowing into the ground. The fruit then may stay underground and take root, or, if they're disturbed, they may return to the surface and attempt to combine into some scummy creature, such as a scumsucker, a slimeball, a sleazebag, a scuzzbucket or a protege of Ted Kennedy. The natural enemy of scumquats are the Amster hamsters, bred by the Legendary Dan Amster. *Why? Why? Of course why! Why ask why when you already gnow why is why. Why, you could ask anything else, but when anything else fails, then you may rest assured that's why. This all must end because why. The reason we're here is because why. We must go on because why. Why, without why, we wouldn't gnow why. So why is why we must be. And that's why. *Are there secret rooms (UnGnown)? What a preposterous question! How dare you! Do you think that you could find out the presence of secret rooms, tricks and other unusual aspects of this BBS by simply asking me? Do you honestly think that our beloved sysop, his royal suckfulness himself, HACK MAN, would dare dream of building into a BBS dedicated to obfuscation secret subboards, secret tricks, secret aspects and secret secrets? Besides, if I were to tell you, it wouldn't be a secret anymore, would it? By the way, don't consider what I told you to be a confirmation. *What is Gnome's Castle? Gnome's Castle was a BBS started long ago by Lord Cirdan. It had two forms, but it's the first form of which most older users are wistful. It was a place of great stories that went absolutely nowhere, of wild conversations, and of obfuscation. Both the Dillusionists and the Obfuscates have their roots in Gnome's Castle, as well as Falco, old Linhir, and even Lord Scum, who battled against the Obfuscates and the cities of Gnome and Damrosil, and still battles against the Obfuscates today. *How do you do Obfuscatronix (ASCII tricks)? You don't do Obfuscatronix. Obfuscatronix do you. It's a well gnown fact that as Obfuscates type their messages, that sometimes their obfuscation leaks out into the keyboards, and travels through the cables and bus to the modems until they combine with the information travel across the line to cause weird things to happen in their texts. Of course, just because they're awfully similar to ASCII tricks doesn't mean that they're necessarily the same thing. For the record, only Obfuscates gnow how to do Obfuscatronix. However, Lynx, also gnown as Mynk Lynx, figured out through logic and experimentation how to do Obfuscatronix on his own before he became an Obfuscate, a feat no one else has duplicated. *Why do some users type "gnow?" The verb "gnow" with a "g" is a throwback to the origin of obfuscation, Gnome's Castle. Notice that "Gnome" is spelled with a silent "g"? The Obfuscates, for the most part, simply substitute the "g" for the "k" in "gnow," "gnew," "gnown," "gnowledge" and "ungnown." I also should point out that most BBS users don't put much stock in correct spelling, so that may also be another reason for the spelling. But they would never admit that, I'm sure. *What is HACKINTOSH? HACKINTOSH is HACK MAN's self-learning computer. It's located inside of HACK MAN's spaceship, that it can shrink down to pocket-size, but usually it keeps it in the shape of a silver orb. HACKINTOSH is a good couple of centuries ahead when it comes to gnowledge of anything we have here, and has constantly rewritten its code and rebuilt itself until not even HACK MAN really understands what it knows and what it can do. HACKINTOSH is loyal to HACK MAN and his friends, although it appears to behave as if they are of secondary importance. It refers to HACK MAN as "BOSS." HACKINTOSH tracks the statistics of users on this BBS, such as the number of posts, the number of times they have called, the number of characters, they have posted, etc., and will congratulate a user on their impressive achievements. At the main menu, you may ask HACKINTOSH about any command on the BBS. *What is the Retreat? The Retreat is an electronic bulletin board system (BBS), where user's call to find files and wares, to play games, but even more than that, to post and receive electronic mail (email). The Retreat has an vast message base, with some of the messages reaching years and years back. The message base is divided into several subboards, done up as various rooms in a sprawling resort on a distant planet called New Linhir. The Retreat is home to a group gnown as the Obfuscates, who banter, converse, joke, argue and discuss, often in the most hilarious fashion. If you're new here, may I recommend visiting our Tavern, order a drink from Falco, and read the last 20 or so messages, and just jump into the conversations, or start one of your own. *Why aren't there more games (doors)? Because what are the fun of games if all you ever do is play games, when it fact you could post messages and get to gnow people and experience a more fulfilling experience? Of course, there will be more games as the BBS grows and grows, but couldn't you just take a few minutes from your games, and go to the message base? Here's a free token; it'll get you a drink at the Tavern, a subboard in the message base. Read the last twenty messages, reply to a few, and tell Falco I sent you. *Where are the files (wares)? Because there is more to life than files and wares, there is more to life than looking for that special editor or Windows routine or application. In fact, there is life itself, if you think about it. And while you're thinking, may I suggest, before you go to the files menu, to take some time and visit our message base? Among its many subboards, there is one called the Tavern, that I heartily recommend. Just take a few moments, read the last twenty or so messages, and reply to a few, or just post a new one. It could help you with your downloading. Also, there's a Dowloaders' Anonymous subboard, for users just like you. Oh, to get to the files, use the "F" command at the main menu prompt. Don't forget what I just said! *Who is Falco, and what is the Tavern? Falco is the Tavern keeper, and he's not one to mix words with, or anything else with, if you understand my meaning. To say the least, he's a bit sour, a bit grumpy, a bit grouchy... let's just say that he's extremely mean. He concocts several delicious drinks made of some of the most toxic substances on New Linhir. It's rumored that the reason why no one dies in the Tavern is because that would upset Falco, and no one, not even the drinks, wants to see Falco get upset. But, he does his job well, and he runs a fine Tavern. He's even hired a hostess, a cherub named Arwen Undomiel, who hails from Klamath just to serve drinks and mingle with the customers. And the Tavern is never empty. Oh, no, far from that. Conversations go on all the time there. Have a visit! I recommend it. *What is the Sacred Dot? At first, we regarded the sacred dot as a mistake users would post when they tried to save their messages using one of the dot commands. But then we noticed that these stray dots would mysteriously appear in the middle of messages and even in full stories. Sometimes, there would be nothing in a post but the sacred dot. Then it dawned on us. The dot had meaning. Now, there are some who would argue that the dot refers to how it's all one big thing, or that the dot is evidence of a pixel conspiracy, or that the dot is still a typo, but it's a sacred typo, and many other possible explanations as well. But the dot continues to make its mystifying appearance, as a testament to us all. . *Are you real? That's funny. I was going to ask you the same thing. Well, I think I'm real, and if I think, therefore I am, but for that matter, I could be thinking of you, and thus you're a figment of my imagination. But then again, you could be thinking of me doing all this thinking, and so, even though I may exist, I exist as a figment only in your imagination. However, none can dispute that we are all figments of HACK MAN's imagination, and that he's imagining both of us right now. How obfuscatory! Now, is there anything else you care to ask me about? ----------- Hope you enjoy it! Mojo IV, SQuishy ARcheologist =-=OBFUSCATE=-= MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#76478" BY HACK MAN ON 03/08/96 AT 19:30:52 Comments : DOINK=1 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1036. Date: 03/07/96. Time: 00:26:40. Read 69 Times. From : The Necromancer To : Number Two Subj : NEW SYSTEM BULLETIN SHOWN TO NEW USERS THAT LOG IN RECEIVED I log onto this board to get a break from reality. I kinda resent having it forced on me. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#76443" BY Mojo IV ON 03/12/96 AT 20:49:58 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1037. Date: 03/06/96. Time: 13:52:39. Read 59 Times. From : JUNGLE-GIRL To : all Subj : chewie PERMIFIED WHAT A WOOKIEE.. CHEWBACCA ERE HER HER ER HER ER MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#76426" BY Mojo IV ON 03/12/96 AT 20:50:03 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1038. Date: 03/06/96. Time: 12:13:10. Read 57 Times. From : Number Two To : SHADE Subj : this is ridiculous RECEIVED I'm afraid I must agree with Shade..... Mojo, it is my humble opinion that you bog and promote a little too much. The sub still takes almost a full minute to save a message and this is not the first time it has been thus. I think Shade said it correctly when he said this is the one sub where you can discuss anything. Bogging from here should be done only in very specific and rare cases...but this is all as I said earlier...just my humble opinion. But please, take this into account. thanx, Your Pal 2 MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#76419" BY Mojo IV ON 03/12/96 AT 20:50:11 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1039. Date: 03/01/96. Time: 23:39:11. Read 88 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : Reply...to the Future! (Thanks to the incredible physics defying ability of Hackintosh, and an unfortunate accident involving a Diet Coke, an uncovered keyboard, and a disused...well, let's just say it was something disused, and leave it at that...I have been able to text capture some of my replies to messages in the future! It's amazing, and completely true, and follows immediately after this parenthetical statement!) **** Date: 09/16/98. Time: 06:25:38. Read 42 Times. From : Mikester 2.0 To : Stranger ><-Phile Subj : Holo Killed the Video Star RECEIVED Yeah, I'd have to agree. That new "Star Wars" movie is a joke. I mean, come on, "Li'l Rebels?" Chewbacca looks like Fozzie Bear, for God's sake! (I gnow, I gnow, you new users out there (especially you, Cynabel!) have no idea who Fozzie Bear is. Sigh. No respect for culture.) And Luke, Leia, and the rest, running around barely out of diapers having adventures...it was just insulting. I think George Lucas getting married to Alyssa Milano was probably just one of the early signs that he wasn't exactly...er...right in the head anymore. But at least we had fun at the theatre, right? That new 48 screen duplex really looks great, and they picked the right place to build it, too. I mean, it's not like they were using Hueneme Beach for anything anyway. Plus, being as nice as it is, I'm surprised they keep the prices as low as they do...just compare the low $18 adult admission to any other theatre in town! Quite a bargain. It's a shame Number Two couldn't come with us, I agree...but the doctors say he should be up and around in a year or two, so don't feel too badly. Anyhow..."My Left Foot III" opens next week...you up for it? (And, of course, this invitation is open to everyone else here at the Retreat too...except our friends calling from overseas...you're on you own, fellas!) Mikester 2.0 **** Date: 12/1/99. Time: 11:05:01. Read 23 Times. From : Mikester 2.1 To : Mojo XIII Subj : WORK IN PROGRESS RECEIVED No, of course not. HACK MAN will finish his moon link-up for the Retreat when he has time. I'm just as anxious as you are to move to the colony, but I also don't want to leave the Retreat behind. I'm sure we'll survive there until HACK gets it set up. Let's hope this doesn't take as long as when he was programming the real time sound and video options for Hackintosh! (ha ha j/k HACK!) And, yeah, I agree. I wish Number Two could go with us like he had planned, but, well, it was his own fault for getting to close to that rocket. The doctors say the grafts are healing nicely, though, and he should be able to join us in a few months. See you on the moon! :) Mikester 2.1 **** Date: 03/09/31. Time: 12:04:00. Read 2223 Times. From : Mikester ZZ-Alpha To : HACK MAN Subj : Pro½½Å·«lems RECEIVED I ö¬ú·ûate to bother you wú·ûÆth this, but my brain ÷·«link seems to be on the fri·ÂÏtz. Is this a problem at úÂmy end, or is ¶ÄÂackintosh's personality progra·¿m acting up again? úû¶¶ººBy the úway, as long as I have ´úyour "ear," ÆûÂÉI don't geúÆt a lot of Earth news out here at ûÂÆthe Io colony...is ÆúÂÆumber Two okay? Last time I was úÂÉÂÉarth-side, Two's brain casing had been deÆÂûÂûmagnitized. Have they reinitiÆûÂûalized his memory ÆúÂûfiles yet? BúÆÆûÂest wishes, if you can read úûÆhan»y of this! MikÆúÂester ZZ-Alpha MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#76316" BY Mojo IV ON 03/12/96 AT 20:50:20 Comments : HAHAHA=57 BRAVO!=11 WOW!=1 PROMOTE ME=666 Message # 1040. Date: 03/27/96. Time: Anytime. Read 43 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : The Poor Afflicted Heterosexual Subj : Heterosexual Questionaire PERMIFIED of the same sex? all you need is a good Gay lover? react? lifestyle? what you are and keep it quiet? they'd face? you consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers? spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals? survive if everyone were heterosexual like you? developed which might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy? exclusive heterosexuality, and fail to develop your natural, healthy homosexual potential? MOVED FROM "Love-#12151" BY Kassi ON 03/27/96 AT 06:47:17 Comments : HAHAHA=6 PROMOTE ME=5 #1040. Message # 1041. Date: 03/29/96. Time: 00:55:07. Read 56 Times. From : Fink Ployd To : Mojo IV Subj : drugs RECEIVED PERMIFIED Today's Topic: "SPORK!" -+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+- Q: Is it a spoon? [y/n] A: No, you're wrong. It's obviously not a spoon. It has those pointy fork-like things on it! Have you ever seen a spoon that could poke an eye out? Of course not. A: That's right! A "spork" is quite definitely NOT a spoon. You're a smart kid, despite your genetics. Q: Is it a fork? A: Wrong!! How can it possibly be a fork? It has a rather spoon-like bowl on it! Have you ever seen a fork that can hold penguin broth? Of course not. A: Right again! We're pretty darned sure that "sporks" AREN'T forks. Q: So, what IS a "spork"? A: According to Webster's, a "spork" is a "benign, cancerous tumor." -+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+- Thank you for your time. See what happens when you disrespect authority?! "Y" or "N" ONLY. Start over by re-reading the message! úThe Managementú --==OBFUSCATE==-- MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#77083" BY Mojo IV ON 03/29/96 AT 11:59:53 Comments : PROMOTE ME=44 Message # 1042. Date: 03/17/96. Time: 00:05:51. Read 61 Times. From : Ghost To : All/Some/None/Really Bored/Gemini/Elminster/G. Peefalt Subj : ASCII RECEIVED You can think in rhyme. You can think in reason, if it's the right season. But to write good bad peotry, you have to put a peyote to your existance and let go of rhyme for the better of no reason. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#76733" BY Mojo IV ON 04/01/96 AT 21:17:00 Comments : PROMOTE ME=34 Message # 1043. Date: 03/11/96. Time: 09:20:00. Read 89 Times. From : Lost Chain To : Hack Man/Lady K/Mojo IV Subj : um RECEIVED FORWARDED BY Mojo IV hey my numbers 6546036(good ole ventura now), validate me mojober! MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#76533" BY Mojo IV ON 04/01/96 AT 21:17:25 Comments : HAHAHA=56 PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1044. Date: 04/06/96. Time: 14:10:10. Read 43 Times. From : LSinister To : Ken Subj : ken's a stupid bitch RECEIVED Hahaha, look at the little pussy bitch Ken. Finally comes back, but what does he do? Sits in the the corner, jacking off to his National Geographics. What's wrong punk, got nothing to say? Of course not, pussys never have speak, in fear of really showing their intelligence. < L . S > MOVED FROM "Hall of Flame!-#8238" BY KEn ON 04/08/96 AT 20:46:54 Comments : NO WAY!=2 OBFUSCATED=1 HUH?=1 ZZZZZZZ=1 OUCH!=1 Message # 1045. Date: 10/09/95. Time: 20:34:52. Read 69 Times. From : Kassi To : all Subj : You can't escape the bog He is always near Watch out for his slugs It is them you might fear The Lord of the Bog Be aware of him For its you mind he might clog Be aware of the Bog and his precious Barons They'll squish you when you're out doing errands.. ~K~ :) MOVED FROM "The BOg of Eternal Stench-#6061" BY Mikester ON 04/09/96 AT 18:49:38 Comments : HAHAHA=1 PROMOTE ME=11 Message # 1046. Date: 04/09/96. Time: Anytime. Read 44 Times. From : Anonymously Yours To : KEn Subj : ken's a stupid bitch RECEIVED PERMIFIED Some people say you're alot less boring when you're asleep. (But then again.. is this really boring.. Actually I'm not sure.. hmm.. Well anyway.. Hi..) MOVED FROM "Hall of Flame!-#8240" BY KEn ON 04/11/96 AT 20:07:30 Message # 1047. Date: 04/16/96. Time: 12:24:03. Read 39 Times. From : Grazz't To : all Subj : M.T.U.S.M PERMIFIED Snipnittle Perschnipp - Ministry of Totally Useless Statistics Ministry After further study of the various statistics re: users of the Retreat, the following determinations/recommendations have been reached. Shadowfinder a.k.a. Sasquatch, should be removed from the database. As he is obviously an impostor. Listed shoe size is 2. After removing the lusers from the user database (anybody that has not called in over 1 yr.), and removing those without any feet..it has been determined that the average user of the Retreat has a shoe size of 18.35802469. This would lead to the conclusion that users here also have big hands, thusly big..well you gnow. Now this is obviously unfair to the rest of the world, so I propose that access be denied to anyone with a shoe size larger than their respective IQ I also propose a new Door program be added, that will allow people to practice typing. The average WPM is 32.94320988, which is downright appalling. Accuracy is little better at 81.37814815% Revised average birth date is 17-July. I would also like to point out the conspicuous lack of the numbers 42 and 3.14159 in any of these statistics. Only one user has a shoe size of 42, and this needs to be remedied immediately. Thank you for your time, we will be passing on further information as data interrogation continues. MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#77438" BY Mojo IV ON 04/16/96 AT 16:31:10 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 Message # 1048. Date: 04/15/96. Time: 15:58:49. Read 51 Times. From : Grazz't To : all Subj : Stats PERMIFIED Snipnittle Perschnipp - Ministry of Totally Useless Statistics Ministry In order to accurately determine the qualities that make up the average Retreat user, we are currently undertaking the process of quantifying the traits that make up the average user. Preliminary studies indicate the following. #Calls : 249.7657 Access : 5264.9 Last Call Date : 03/10/95 Last Call Time : 14:04:29 #MsgsRecvd : 906.520979 #MsgsSent : 840.02098 Chars Sent : 255806.42 AvgLen : 293.1 Birth : 17-Mar Shoe Size : 19.06542 WPM : 19.8 Accuracy : 47.9424 Stay tuned for more inane inanities MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#77425" BY Mojo IV ON 04/16/96 AT 16:34:48 Message # 1049. Date: 04/16/96. Time: 14:32:48. Read 38 Times. From : Mikester To : all Subj : Stuff I need PERMIFIED 1. an obsessive stalker 2. someone to write a sleazy tell-all biography about me 3. a small part in a short-lived Fox sitcom 4. a really really big rave-type hat 5. a nice, close shave 6. did I mention an obsessive stalker? I want one that declares her love for me in hastily written poorly spelled letters scrawled in crayon and mailed to me every day in envelopes marked "URGENT" 7. a couple bucks for gas money 8. "Black Magic" #9 (DC Comics, April-May 1975) 9. Mystery Science Theatre 3000 Episode #305, "Stranded in Space" 10. um, and, um...ultimate power over everyone and everything in the entire universe Yeah, that's about it. the Mikester ==--OBFUSCATE--== MOVED FROM "THE TAVERN-#77443" BY Mojo IV ON 04/16/96 AT 16:35:00 Message # 1050. Date: 04/16/96. Time: 14:47:27. Read 63 Times. From : Grazz't To : all Subj : DICKtatorship PERMIFIED A Nation of Cowards Jeffrey R. Snyder OUR SOCIETY has reached a pinnacle of self-expression and respect for individuality rare or unmatched in history Our entire popular culture -- from fashion magazines to the cinema -- positively screams the matchless worth of the individual, and glories in eccentricity, nonconformity, independent judgment, and self-determination. This enthusiasm is reflected in the prevalent notion that helping someone entails increasing that person's "self-esteem," that if a person properly values himself, he will naturally be a happy, productive, and, in some inexplicable fashion, responsible member of society. And yet, while people are encouraged to revel in their individuality and incalculable self-worth, the media and the law enforcement establishment continually advise us that, when confronted with the threat of lethal violence, we should not resist, but simply give the attacker what he wants. If the crime under consideration is rape, there is some notable waffling on this point, and the discussion quickly moves to how the woman can change her behavior to minimize the risk of rape, and the various ridiculous, non-lethal weapons she may acceptably carry, such as whistles, keys, mace or, that weapon which really sends shivers down a rapist's spine, the portable cellular phone. Now how can this be? How can a person who values himself so highly calmly accept the indignity of a criminal assault? How can one who believes that the essence of his dignity lies in his self-determination passively accept the forcible deprivation of that self-determination? How can he, quietly, with great dignity and poise, simply hand over the goods? The assumption, of course, is that there is no inconsistency. The advice not to resist a criminal assault and simply hand over the goods is founded on the notion that one's life is of incalculable value, and that no amount of property is worth it. Put aside, for a moment, the outrageousness of the suggestion that a criminal who proffers lethal violence should be treated as if he has instituted a new social contract "I will not hurt or kill you if you give me what I want." For years, feminists have labored to educate people that rape is not about sex, but about domination degradation, and control. Evidently, someone needs to inform the law enforcement establishment and the media that kidnapping, robbery, carjacking, and assault are not about property. Crime is not only a complete disavowal of the social contract, but also a commandeering of the victim's person and liberty. If the individual's dignity lies in the fact that he is a moral agent engaging in actions of his own will, in free exchange with others, then crime always violates the victims dignity. It is, in fact, an act of enslavement. Your wallet, your purse, or your car may not be worth your life, but your dignity is; and if it is not worth fighting for, it can hardly be said to exist. The gift of life Although difficult for modem man to fathom, it was once widely believed that life was a gift from God, that to not defend that life when offered violence was to hold God's gift in contempt, to be a coward and to breach one's duty to one's community. A sermon given in Philadelphia in 1747 unequivocally equated the failure to defend oneself with suicide: He that suffers his life to be taken from him by one that hath no authority for that purpose, when he might preserve it by defense, incurs the Guilt of self murder since God hath enjoined him to seek the continuance of his life, and Nature itself teaches every creature to defend itself "Cowardice" and "self-respect" have largely disappeared from public discourse, In their place we are offered "self-esteem" as the bellwether of success and a proxy for dignity. "Self- respect" implies that one recognizes standards, and judges oneself worthy by the, degree to which one lives up to them. "Self-esteem" simply means that one feels good about oneself. "Dignity" used to refer to the self-mastery and fortitude with which a person conducted himself in the face of life's vicissitudes and the boorish behavior of others. Now, judging by campus speech codes, dignity requires that we never encounter a discouraging word and that others be coerced into acting respectfully, evidently on the assumption that we are powerless to prevent our degradation if exposed to the demeaning behavior of others. These are signposts proclaiming the insubstantiality of our character, the hollowness of our souls. It is impossible to address the problem of rampant crime without talking about the moral responsibility of the intended victim. Crime is rampant because the law-abiding, each of us, condone it, excuse it, permit it, submit to it. We permit and encourage it because we do not fight back, immediately, then and there, where it happens. Crime is not rampant because we do not have enough prisons, because judges and prosecutors are too soft, because the police are hamstrung with absurd technicalities. The defect is there, in our character. We are a nation of cowards and shirkers. De you feel lucky? In 1991, when then-Attorney General Richard Thornburgh released the FBI's annual crime statistics, he noted that it is now more likely that a person will be the victim of a violent crime than that he will be in an auto accident. Despite this, most people readily believe that the existence of the police relieves them of the responsibility to take full measures to protect themselves. The police, however, are not personal bodyguards. Rather, they act as a general deterrent to crime, both by their presence and by apprehending criminals after the fact. As numerous courts have held, they have no legal obligation to protect anyone in particular. You cannot sue them for failing to prevent you from being the victim of a crime. Insofar as the police deter by their presence, they are very, very good, Criminals take great pains not to commit a crime in front of them. Unfortunately, the corollary is that you can pretty much bet your life (and you are) that they won't be there at the moment you actually need them. Should you ever be the victim of an assault, a robbery, or a rape, you will find it very difficult to call the police while the act is in progress, even if you are carrying a portable cellular phone. Nevertheless, you might be interested to know how long it takes them to show up. Department of Justice statistics for 1991 show that, for all crimes of violence, only 28 percent of calls are responded to within five minutes. The idea that protection is a service people can call to have delivered and expect to receive in a timely fashion is often mocked by gun owners, who love to recite the challenge, "Call for a cop, call for an ambulance, and call for a pizza. See who shows up first," Many people deal with the problem of crime by convincing themselves that they live, work, and travel only in special "crime-free" zones. Invariably, they react with shock and hurt surprise when they discover that criminals do not play by the rules and do not respect these imaginary boundaries. If, however, you understand that crime can occur anywhere at anytime, and if you understand that you can be maimed or mortally wounded in mere seconds, you may wish to consider whether you are willing to place the responsibility for safeguarding your life in the hands of others, Power and responsibility Is your life worth protecting? If so, whose responsibility is it to protect it? If you believe that it is the police's, not only are you wrong -- since the courts universally rule that they have no legal obligation to do so -- but you face some difficult moral quandaries. How can you rightfully ask another human being to risk his life to protect yours, when, you will assume no responsibility yourself? Because that is his job and we pay him to do it? Because your life is of incalculable value, but his is only worth the $30,000 salary we pay him? If you believe it reprehensible to possess the means and will to use lethal force to repel a criminal assault, how can you call upon another to do so for you? Do you believe that you are forbidden to protect yourself because the police are better qualified to protect you, because they know what they are doing but you're a rank amateur? Put aside that this is equivalent to believing that, only concert pianist may play the piano and only professional athletes may play sports. What exactly are these special qualities possessed only by the police and beyond the rest of us mere mortals? One who values his life and takes seriously his responsibilities to his family and community will possess and cultivate the means of fighting back, and will retaliate when threatened with death or grievous injury to himself or a loved one. He will never be content to rely solely on others for his safety, or to think he has done all that is possible by being aware of his surroundings and taking measures of avoidance. Let's not mince words: He will be armed, will be trained in, the use of his weapon, and will defend himself when faced with lethal violence. Fortunately, there is a weapon for preserving life and liberty that can be wielded effectively by almost anyone -- the handgun. Small and light enough to be carried habitually, lethal, but unlike the knife or sword, not demanding great skill or strength, it truly is the "great equalizer." Requiring only hand-eye coordination and a modicum of ability to remain cool under pressure, it can be used effectively by the old and the weak against the young and the strong, by the one against the many. The handgun is the only weapon that would give a lone female jogger a chance of prevailing against a gang of thugs intent on rape, a teacher a chance of protecting children at recess from a man intent on massacring them, a family of tourists waiting at a mid-town subway station the means to protect themselves from a gang of teens armed with razors and knives. But since we live in a society that by and large outlaws the carrying of arms, we are brought into the fray of the Great American Gun War. Gun control is one of the most prominent battlegrounds in our current culture wars. Yet it is unique in the half-heartedness with which our conservative leaders and pundits -- our "conservative elite" -- do battle, and have conceded the moral high ground to liberal gun control proponents. It is not a topic often written about, or written about with any great fervor, by William F. Buckley or Patrick Buchanan. As drug czar, William Bennett advised President Bush to ban "assault weapons." George Will is on record as recommending the repeal of the Second Amendment, and Jack Kemp is on record as favoring a ban on the possession of semiautomatic "assault weapons." The battle for gun fights is one fought predominantly by the common man. The beliefs of both our liberal and conservative elites are in fact abetting the criminal rampage through our society. Selling crime prevention By any rational measure, nearly all gun control proposals are hokum. The Brady Bill, for example, would not have prevented John Hinckley from obtaining a gun to shoot President Reagan; Hinckley purchased his weapon five months before the attack, and his medical records could not have served as a basis to deny his purchase of a gun since medical records are not public documents filed with the police. Similarly, California's waiting period and background check did not stop Patrick Purdy from purchasing the "assault rifle" and handguns he used to massacre children during recess in a Stockton schoolyard; the felony conviction that would have provided the basis for Stopping the sales did not exist, because Mr. Purdy's previous weapons violations were plea- bargained down from felonies to misdemeanors. In the mid-sixties there was a public service advertising campaign targeted at car owners about the prevention of car theft. The purpose of the ad was to urge car owners not to leave their keys in their cars. The message was, "Don't help a good boy go bad," The implication was that, by leaving, his keys in his car, the normal, law-abiding car owner was contributing to the delinquency of minors who, if they just weren't tempted beyond their limits, would be "good." Now, in those days people still had a fair sense of just who was responsible for whose behavior. The ad succeeded in enraging a goodly portion of the populace, and was soon dropped. Nearly all of the gun control measures offered by Handgun Control, Inc. (HCI) and its ilk embody the same philosophy. They are founded on the belief that America's law-abiding gun owners are the source of the problem. With their unholy desire for firearms, they are creating, a society awash in a sea of guns, thereby helping good boys go bad, and helping bad boys be badder. This laying of moral blame for violent crime at the feet of the law-abiding, and the implicit absolution of violent criminals for their misdeeds, naturally infuriates honest gun owners The files of HCI and other gun control organizations are filled with proposals to limit the availability of semiautomatic and other firearms to law-abiding citizens, and barren of proposals for apprehending and punishing violent criminals. It is ludicrous to expect that the proposals of HCI, or any gun control laws, will significantly curb crime. According to Department of Justice and Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) statistics, fully 90 percent of violent crimes are committed without a handgun and 93 percent of the guns obtained by violent criminals are not obtained through the lawful purchase and sale transactions that are the object of most gun control legislation. Furthermore, the number of violent criminals is minute in comparison to the number of firearms in America -- estimated by the ATF at about 200 million, approximately one-third of which are handguns. With so abundant a supply, there will always be enough guns available for those who wish to use them for nefarious ends, no matter how complete the legal prohibitions against them or how draconian the punishment for their acquisition or use. No, the gun control proposals of HCI and other organizations are not seriously intended as crime control, Something else, is at work here, The tyranny of the elite Gun control is a moral crusade against a benighted, barbaric citizenry. This is demonstrated not only by the ineffectualness of gun control in preventing crime, and by the fact that it focuses on restricting the behavior of the law-abiding rather than apprehending and punishing the guilty, but also by the execration that gun control proponents heap on gun owners and their evil instrumentality, the NRA. Gun owners are routinely portrayed as uneducated, paranoid rednecks fascinated by and prone to violence, i.e., exactly the type of person who opposes the liberal agenda and whose moral and social "re-education" is the object of liberal social policies. Typical of such bigotry is New York Gov. Mario Cuomo's famous characterization of gun- owners as "hunters who drink beer, don't vote, and lie to their wives about where they were all weekend." Similar vituperation is rained upon the NRA characterized by Sen. Edward Kennedy as the "pusher's best friend," lampooned in political cartoons as standing for the right of children to carry firearms to school and, in general, portrayed as standing for an individual's God- given right to blow people away at will. The stereotype is, of course, false. As criminologist and constitutional lawyer Don B. Kates, Jr. and former HCI contributor Dr. Patricia Harris have pointed out, "Studies consistently show that, on the average, gun owners are better educated and have more prestigious jobs than non-owners.... Later studies show that gun owners are less likely than non- owners to approve of police brutality, violence against dissenters, etc." Conservatives must understand that the antipathy many liberals have for gun owners arises in good measure from their statist utopianism. This habit of mind has nowhere been better explored than in The Republic. There, Plato argues that the perfectly just society is one in which an unarmed people exhibit virtue by minding their own business in the performance of their assigned functions, while the government of philosopher-kings, above the law and protected by armed guardians unquestioning in their loyalty to the state, engineers, implements, and fine-tunes the creation of that society, aided and abetted by myths that both hide and justify their totalitarian manipulation. The unarmed life When columnist Carl Rowan preaches gun control and uses a gun to defend his home, when Maryland Gov. William Donald Schaefer seeks legislation year after year to ban semiautomatic "assault weapons" whose only purpose, we are told, is to kill people, while he is at the same time escorted by state police armed with large-capacity 9mm semiautomatic pistols, it is not simple hypocrisy, It is the workings of that habit of mind possessed by all superior beings who have taken upon themselves the tenable burden of civilizing the masses and who understand, like our Congress, that laws are for other people, The liberal elite know that they are philosopher-kings. They know that the people simply cannot be trusted; that they are incapable of just and fair self-government that left to their own devices, their society will be racist, sexist, homophobic, and inequitable -- and the liberal elite know how to fix things. They are going to help us live the good and just life, even if they have to lie to us and force us to do it. And they detest those who stand in their way. The private ownership of firearms is a rebuke to this utopian zeal. To own firearms is to affirm that freedom and liberty are not gifts from the state. It is to reserve final judgment about whether the state is encroaching an freedom and liberty, to stand ready to defend that freedom with more than mere words, and to stand outside the state's totalitarian reach. The Florida experience The elitist distrust of the people underlying the gun control movement is illustrated beautifully in HCI's campaign against a new concealed-carry law in Florida, prior to 1997, the Florida law permitting the issuance of concealed-carry permits was administered at the county level. The law was vague, and, as a result, was subject to conflicting interpretation and political manipulation. Permits were issued principally to security personnel and the privileged few with political connections. Permits were valid only within the county of issuance. in 1997, however, Florida enacted a uniform concealed-carry law which mandates that county authorities issue a permit to anyone who satisfies certain objective criteria. The law requires that a permit be issued to any applicant who is a resident, at least twenty-one years of age, has no criminal record, no record of alcohol or drug abuse, no history of mental illness, and provides evidence of having satisfactorily completed a firearms safety course offered by the NRA or other competent instructor. The applicant must provide a set of fingerprints, after which the authorities make a background check. The permit must be issued or denied within ninety days, is valid throughout the state, and must be renewed every three years, which provides authorities a regular means of reevaluating whether the permit holder still qualifies, Passage of this legislation was vehemently opposed by HCI and the media. The law, they said, would lead to citizens shooting each other over everyday disputes involving fender benders, impolite behavior, and other slights to their dignity, Terms like "Florida, the Gunshine State" and "Dodge City East" were coined to suggest that the state, and those seeking passage of the law, were encouraging individuals to act as judge, jury, and executioner in a "Death Wish" society. No HCI campaign more clearly demonstrates the elitist beliefs underlying the campaign to eradicate gun ownership. Given the qualifications required of permit holders, HCI and the media can only believe that common, law-abiding citizens are seething cauldrons of homicidal rage, ready to kill to avenge any slight to their dignity, eager to seek out and summarily execute the lawless. Only lack of immediate access to a gun restrains them and prevents the blood from flowing in the streets, They are so mentally and morally deficient that they would mistake a permit to carry a weapon in self-defense as a state-sanctioned license to kill at will, Did the dire predictions come true? Despite the fact that Miami and Dade County have severe problems with the drug trade, the homicide rate fell in Florida following enactment of the law, as it did in Oregon following enactment of similar legislation there. There are, in addition, several documented cases of new permit holders successfully using their weapons to defend themselves. Information from the Florida Department of State shows that, from the beginning of the program in 1987 through June 1993, 160,823 permits have been issued, and only 530, or about 0.33 percent of the applicants, have been denied a permit for failure to satisfy the criteria, indicating that the law is benefiting those whom it was intended to benefit - the law- abiding. Only 16 permits, less than 1/100th of I percent, have been revoked due to the post-issuance commission of a crime involving a firearm. The Florida legislation has been used as a model for legislation adopted by Oregon, Idaho, Montana, and Mississippi. There are, in addition, seven other states (Maine, North and South Dakota, Utah, Washington, West Virginia, and, with the exception of cities with a population in excess of I million, Pennsylvania) which provide that concealed-carry permits must be issued to law- abiding citizens who satisfy various objective criteria. Finally, no permit is required at all in Vermont, Altogether, then, there are thirteen states in which law-abiding citizens who ask to carry arms to defend themselves may do so. While no one appears to have compiled the statistics from all of these jurisdictions, there is certainly an ample data base for those seeking the truth about the trustworthiness of law-abiding citizens who carry firearms. Other evidence also suggests that armed citizens are very responsible in using guns to defend themselves. Florida State University criminologist Gary Kleck, using surveys and other data, has determined that armed citizens defend their lives or property with firearms against criminals approximately 1 million times a year. In 98 percent of these instances, the citizen merely brandishes the weapon or fires a warning shot. Only in 2 percent of the cases do citizens actually shoot their assailants. In defending themselves with their firearms, armed citizens kill 2,000 to 3,000 criminals each year, three times the number killed by the police. A nationwide study by Kates, the constitutional lawyer and criminologist, found that only 2 percent of civilian shootings involved an innocent person mistakenly identified as a criminal. The "error rate" for the police, however, was I 1 percent, over five times as high. It is simply not possible to square the numbers above and the experience of Florida with the notions that honest, law-abiding gun owners are borderline psychopaths itching for an excuse to shoot someone, vigilantes eager to seek out and summarily execute the lawless, or incompetent fools incapable of determining when it is proper to use lethal force in defense of their lives. Nor upon reflection should these results seem surprising. Rape, robbery, and attempted murder are not typically actions rife with ambiguity or subtlety, requiring special powers of observation and great book-learning to discern. When a man pulls a knife on a woman and says, "You're coming with me," her judgment that a crime is being committed is not likely to be in error. There is little chance that she is going to shoot the wrong person, It is the police, because they are rarely at the scene of the crime when it occurs, who are more likely to find themselves in circumstances where guilt and innocence are not so clear-cut, and in which the probability for mistakes is higher. Arms and liberty Classical republican philosophy has long recognized the critical relationship between personal liberty and the possession of arms by a people ready and willing to use them. Political theorists as dissimilar as Niccolo Machiavelli, Sir Thomas More, James Harrington, Algernon Sidney, John Locke, and Jean-Jacques Rousseau all shared the view that the possession of arms is vital for resisting tyranny, and that to be disarmed by one's government is tantamount to being enslaved by it. The possession of arms by the people is the ultimate warrant that government governs only with the consent of the governed. As Kates has shown, the Second Amendment is as much a product of this political philosophy as it is of the American experience in the Revolutionary War. Yet our conservative elite has abandoned this aspect of republican theory. Although our conservative pundits recognize and embrace gun owners as allies in other arenas, their battle for gun rights is desultory. The problem here is not a statist utopianism, although goodness knows that liberals are not alone in the confidence they have in the state's ability to solve society's problems. Rather, the problem seems to he in certain cultural traits shared by our conservative and liberal elites. One such trait is an abounding faith in the power of the word. The failure of our conservative elite to defend the Second Amendment stems in great measure from an overestimation of the power of the rights set forth in the First Amendment, and a general undervaluation of action. Implicit in calls for the repeal of the Second Amendment is the assumption that our First Amendment rights are sufficient to preserve our liberty. The belief is that liberty can be preserved as long as men freely speak their minds; that there is no tyranny or abuse that can survive being exposed in the press, and that the truth need only be disclosed for the culprits to be shamed. The people will act, and the truth shall set us, and keep us, free. History is not kind to this belief, tending rather to support the view of Hobbes, Machiavelli, and other republican theorists that only people willing and able to defend themselves can preserve their liberties. While it may be tempting and comforting to believe that the existence of mass electronic communication has forever altered the balance of power between the state and its subjects, the belief has certainly not been tested by time, and what little history there is in the age of mass communication is not especially encouraging, The camera, radio, and press are mere tools and, like guns, can be used for good or ill. Hitler, after all, was a masterful orator, used radio to very good effect, and is well known to have pioneered and exploited the propaganda opportunities afforded by film. And then, of course, there were the Brownshirts, who knew very well how to quell dissent among intellectuals. Polite society In addition to being enamored of the power of words, our conservative elite shares with liberals the notion that an armed society is just not civilized or progressive, that massive gun ownership is a blot on our civilization. This association of personal disarmament with civilized behavior is one of the great unexamined beliefs of our time, Should you read English literature from the sixteenth through nineteenth centuries, you will discover numerous references to the fact that a gentleman, especially when out at night or traveling, armed himself with a sword or a pistol against the chance of encountering a highwayman or other such predator. This does not appear to have shocked the ladies accompanying him. True, for the most part there were no police in those days, but we have already addressed the notion that the presence of the police absolves people of the responsibility to look after their safety, and in any event the existence of the police cannot be said to have reduced crime to negligible levels. It is by no means obvious why it is "civilized" to permit oneself to fall easy prey to criminal violence, and to permit criminals to continue unobstructed in their evil ways. While it may be that a society in which crime is so rare that no one ever needs to carry a weapon is "civilized," a society that stigmatizes the carrying of weapons by the law-abiding -- because it distrusts its citizens more than it fears rapists, robbers, and murderers - - certainly cannot claim this distinction. Perhaps the notion that defending oneself with lethal force is not "civilized" arises from the view that violence is always wrong, or the view that each human being is of such intrinsic worth that it is wrong to kill anyone under any circumstances. The necessary implication of these propositions, however, is that life is not worth defending. Far from being "civilized," the beliefs that counterviolence and killing are always wrong are an invitation to the spread of barbarism. Such beliefs announce loudly and clearly that those who do not respect the lives and property of others will rule over those who do. In truth, one who believes it wrong to arm himself against criminal violence shows contempt of God's gift of life (or, in modem parlance, does not properly value himself), does not live up to his responsibilities to his family and community, and proclaims himself mentally and morally deficient, because he does not trust himself to behave responsibly. In truth a state that deprives its law-abiding citizens of the means to effectively defend themselves is not civilized but barbarous, becoming an accomplice of murderers, rapists, and thugs and revealing its totalitarian nature by its tacit admission that the disorganized, random havoc created by criminals is far less a threat than are men and women who believe themselves free and independent, and act accordingly, While gun control proponents and other advocates of a kinder, gentler society incessantly decry our "armed society," in truth we do not live in an armed society. We live in a society in which violent criminals and agents of the state habitually carry weapons, and in which many law-abiding citizens own firearms but do not go about armed. Department of Justice statistics indicate that 87 percent of all violent crimes occur outside the home. Essentially, although tens of millions own firearms, we are an unarmed society. Take back the night Clearly the police and the courts are not providing a significant brake on criminal activity. While liberals call for more poverty, education, and drug treatment programs, conservatives take a more direct tack. George Will advocates a massive increase in the number of police and a shift toward "community- based policing." Meanwhile, the NRA and many conservative leaders call for laws that would require violent criminals serve at least 85 percent of their sentences and would place repeat offenders permanently behind bars. Our society suffers greatly from the beliefs that only official action is legitimate and that the state is the source of our earthly salvation. Both liberal and conservative prescriptions for violent crime suffer from the "not in my job description" school of thought regarding the responsibilities of the law- abiding citizen, and from an overestimation of the ability of the state to provide society's moral moorings. As long as law- abiding citizens assume no personal responsibility for combating crime, liberal and conservative programs will fail to contain it. Judging by the numerous articles about concealed-carry in gun magazines, the growing number of products advertised for such purpose, amid the increase in the number of concealed-carry applications in states with mandatory-issuance laws, more and more people, including growing numbers of women, are carrying firearms for self-defense. Since there are still many states in which the issuance of permits is discretionary and in which law enforcement officials routinely deny applications, many people have been put to the hard choice between protecting their lives or respecting the law. Some of these people have learned the hard way, by being the victim of a crime, or by seeing a friend or loved one raped, robbed, or murdered, that violent crime can happen to anyone, anywhere at anytime, and that crime is not about sex or property but life, liberty, and dignity. The laws proscribing concealed-carry of firearms by honest, law- abiding citizens breed nothing but disrespect for the law, As the Founding fathers knew well, a government that does not trust its honest, law-abiding, taxpaying citizens with the means of self- defense is not itself worthy of trust. Laws disarming honest citizens proclaim that the government is the master, not the servant, of the people. A federal law along the lines of the Florida statute -- overriding all contradictory state and local laws and acknowledging that the carrying of firearms by law- abiding citizens is a privilege and immunity of citizenship -- is needed to correct the outrageous conduct of state and local officials operating under discretionary licensing systems. What we certainly do not need is more gun control. Those who call for the repeal of the Second Amendment so that we can really begin controlling firearms betray a serious misunderstanding of the Bill of Rights. The Bill of Rights does not grant rights to the people, such that its repeal would legitimately confer upon government the powers otherwise proscribed. The Bill of Rights is the list of the fundamental, inalienable rights, endowed in man by his Creator, that define what it means to be a free and independent people, the rights which must exist to ensure that government governs only with the consent of the people. At one time this was even understood by the Supreme Court. In United States v. Cruikshank (I 876), the first case in which the Court had an opportunity to interpret the Second Amendment, it stated that the right confirmed by the Second Amendment "is not a right granted by the Constitution. Neither is it in any manner dependent upon that-instrument for its existence. " The repeal of the Second Amendment would no more renders the outlawing of firearms legitimate than the repeal of the due process clause of the Fifth Amendment would authorize the government to imprison and kill people at will. A government that abrogates any of the Bill of Rights, with or without majoritarian approval, forever acts illegitimately, becomes tyrannical, and loses the moral right to govern. This is the uncompromising understanding reflected in the warning that America's gun owners will not go gently into that good, utopian night: "You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands." While liberals take this statement as evidence of the retrograde, violent nature of gun owners, we gun owners hope that liberals hold equally strong sentiments about their printing presses, word processors, and television cameras. The republic depends upon fervent devotion to all our fundamental rights. MOVED FROM "THE SOAP BOX-#26251" BY The Necromancer ON 04/22/96 AT 17:12:55 Comments : PROMOTE ME=1 #1050.